Previously on Weeds.
The fuck?
What's the matter with you, man? Are you on drugs?
My parents have been drugging me since I was 13.
Just give me my plants, man.
Do you have plans tonight?
Are you asking me out while your hand is on my boob?
If you can catch me, you can fuck me.
Yeah, I'll get my skates.
I was having sex with this woman at the derby rink.
You broke up with me.
- Is this real life? - No. You're dreaming.
Now, go harder.
What the fuck?
I guess we're even.
Please go back to screwing Andy.
We have no money.
Doug's cash is all tied up in that fake charity,
and you and Andy don't make dick.
- We're really broke? - Yes.
Maybe it's the bullet? I don't know, this just isn't me anymore.
I'm gonna need you to buy me out.
I can't keep making the same choices.
Something that keeps me busy, maybe with flexible hours.
I have a young son.
But I'm open. I want to work.
You really can't see a mark.
Sorry?
Oh, where you got shot. I just expected something bigger.
I mean not, like, a huge, gaping hole, but I don't know.
A dent, a spider crack.
Oh, my secretary found that article about you in the Old Sandwich Press.
You know, we pre-screen everyone who makes an appointment, so...
I need a job, Mr. Burks.
Listen, we're a high-level executive search firm,
- so we deal with CEOs, CFOs, COOs... - You took this appointment.
Okay. Full disclosure. The article was a doozy.
I mean, I was curious.
It was a mistake. I'm sorry. Mea culpa.
Then make it right. I've worked with CEOs, CFOs.
I've led my own sales team, marketing, re-branding.
I've...
Just tell me who to talk to. Just point me in the right direction.
Shake the trees, put yourself out there and keep your head down.
How long you been standing here?
You always hum Hava nagila when you jerk off?
You can't make me feel any guiltier about screwing Doug.
It was weeks ago.
And if you think it was bad for you, imagine what it was like for me.
I'm pregnant.
Well, I wish you both the best.
I'm sure you and Doug will have a great baby
and a great life together.
Now I'm gonna go lay under a blanket.
It's not Doug's.
Andy?
You're sweating.
There's a very real lack of air flow in this hallway.
There's, like, nothing coming out of these vents. Nothing.
That's a return.
- Well, you've got it all figured out. - I've got nothing figured out.
And when I said it wasn't Doug's, that's just a guess, a hope, really.
But I'm almost for sure pregnant.
At least it feels that way.
Mazel tov?
Got to love organized chaos.
Yeah. They're like molecules all bouncing around.
Or tripping themselves, in the case of my son.
Shake it off, champ!
- Maybe there was a sprinkler head? - If only. But thank you.
- I'm Terry. - Nancy.
- Gonna have to make a citizen's arrest. - Excuse me?
The hand-off? You should have hid it in the magazine.
That's what that looked like?
- Oh, boy. - Oh, no. Relax.
- It's none of my business. - No, no, no. It's...
Frank's got a prostate the size of a VW.
The guy next to him, Rog, he's got a fungus
that I shouldn't speak about in mixed company, but it's not good.
Prostiflo for Frank, Zycopril for Rog.
- Oh, so it's Dr. Terry. - Not exactly.
You're the biggest drug dealer in town.
Yeah. Legal one, anyway.
Care for a juice box?
Thank you.
- Jabberwocky! - 10.78 seconds.
Oh, hey, Silas. Do you like sport stacking?
What the fuck?
Do you want to try a cycle?
Want to try a cycle?
I've been looking for you for three weeks.
- I've been checking in on Foursquare. - Yeah, I got that.
Now, nutballs, you stole my plants.
And that's a total my bad.
But the good news is, I'm back on my meds, so that won't happen again.
Where are they?
They're, like, locked in a cabinet somewhere.
The nurse distributes them twice a day, so...
- My plants. - Oh.
They're in a closet at my parents' house. But they're fine. I left some lights on.
Oh, you left a couple lights. Let's go.
I'm still on psych hold. I can't go anywhere.
Okay. Why don't you tell me where your parents live,
and I'll go get them myself?
No way. My parents freak if one of my drug friends shows up.
I need my plants.
I don't know what to tell you. I'm really sorry, Silas. I wasn't myself.
I mean I was myself. I just wasn't my medicated self.
Do you want to learn how to stack?
Okay. Never mind.
Spanked it. 95%. Statutes are my bitch.
97%. Spanked it, spanked you. Might even spank myself. I'm so good.
Want to show me that tonight?
I can bring over some burgers.
Maybe your cheap ass should take me out to dinner.
Attention, everyone.
Well, except for a couple of you that fell outside the bell curve,
I imagine you're all looking at your grades with disappointment.
You're wondering why you're so stupid. I don't know. It is unfortunate.
So, to help you combat that, I want you to write an essay.
Five hundred words due tomorrow morning "Why do I deserve to be a cop?"
Yeah?
Why you deserve to be a cop or I, like me?
Whatever you think is best, Ronchetta.
Now, I don't want to be here anymore.
Bye, loser.
Mets tickets down the drain. And it's Tejada bobblehead night.
Man, I was gonna take my girl to B-Dubs.
Something about eating hot wings just moves her juices.
I'll write your essays. 100 bucks each.
100 bucks? Fuck off, Botwin.
I'm just trying to help, bobbleheads, juices.
All right.
Austin! Good! You won! Go out again, Ethan!
They all hate me 'cause Stevie's so good.
They hate me 'cause Kyle's so bad.
That's why I give them the free samples, so they'll play him.
He's a born scientist, like his dad.
Yeah, well, we all have our talents.
I used to be in the drug business, too. Sales.
Oh. With whom?
A small company. It's not around anymore, but I'm looking to get back into the field.
Yeah? Did you do well there?
Number one, year after year.
Look at those guys.
Look at that. They could be friends.
Maybe. I also did marketing. Led this huge re-branding effort.
Why don't they do a play-date thing? Like a sleepover or something?
They should do a sleepover.
They're not kittens.
You can't just put them in a box and say, "Play."
Why not? Please. Kyle needs a friend.
My wife and I need Kyle to have a friend.
We haven't had a night to ourselves in three years.
You know that's what nannies and sitters are for.
They all talk.
It's like a secret little club.
Once you get blacklisted, you're screwed.
So he's got a few quirks. He's five.
One sleepover, tonight.
And I will call my colleague in sales, recommend he hire a new sales rep.
Sales rep? Yeah? One sleepover?
- Okay. - Yes. Yes.
My wife, I'm gonna call her right now.
I should hit the liquor store on the way home.
Shit.
All right. Enough of this faggy silent treatment.
Let's get it out in the open.
Yes, I fucked the shit out of Jill.
That was probably not cool.
She might be pregnant.
- Well, that is definitely not cool. - You're definitely not cool.
And what do you care? It's probably not yours.
It could be mine.
It could be mine. Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit.
Want to play to see whose kid it is?
That takes a crystal ball, Doug, not an eight ball.
No, I mean for who takes it all on.
Nice. Real nice.
I suck at pool. Darts'? No. No dartboard.
Fuck! We don't even know if she's pregnant yet.
Yes, we do.
So, does the winner get me and the kid or is that the loser?
Assholes.
I'll rack.
Surprise!
Who the fuck?
Really, Suze? Does every occasion need a stripper?
He was supposed to be a cop.
It's a whole thing that we do.
- Bring in a robber... - Less talking.
- Surprise! - Shit, it's ruined.
Happy birthday, Trace.
Start the music, guys.
Lose the shirt.
Lose the shirt!
This is the best birthday ever!
That castle sucks.
This is where the king and queen live.
My Allosaurus will eat them in a second.
No, no. Play together, boys, or it's bedtime, all right?
Fine. We can build the tower.
And I'll get a bug and I'll put it on the tower and torture it.
No. No torture. Happy kings and queens, okay?
Plant-eating dinosaurs.
Jesus, they're multiplying.
That's Kyle.
- He's a little shit. - Be grateful.
Boys are little shits when it doesn't matter.
Girls wait till they're older,
till they can get piercings and STDs and call their mom a bag of cunts.
On the bright side, I'm getting a job.
It's a real banner-fucking-day.
Allosaurus, crush castle!
No, no, no!
Oh, God.
It's okay! It's okay! You're okay. Let me see. Let me see. Let me see.
Oh, it's just a bump. It's just an itty-bitty, itty-bitty, little bump.
He hit me. I'm calling my dad.
We get a horse.
- What? - A horse.
We take her riding, make it look like an accident.
You're not acci-borting my baby.
Or mine. Nothing's proven yet.
This is a weird office.
That sitar was George Harrison's.
It's amazing how much you can buy at an auction
with a shitload of charity money.
Not sure where that mattress came from. Pass the bottle.
Used up all my good karma. Damn you, derby sex goddess.
It's my fault, really. I usually make a go for the poop chute.
It was late. I didn't even try.
Or is this good karma?
Depends on me. Me. It was me.
I'm too old to run out on another kid.
Andy Botwin, glue of the Botwin family, uncle, brother, mentor.
Father.
Maybe this is another chance to do it right.
- Raise a good kid. Not gay. - Father, father. Actual father.
Birth through whatever, me and the kid. Ballgames and science projects.
I should have come on her tits.
Report cards and lectures and yelling for no real reason.
Failed expectations. False expectations. Love?
Oh, you'd never know it. I can't do it. Shit.
Right this way.
Hey. guys. What's going on?
Unwanted pregnancy.
You got a horse?
I'm calling my daddy.
What about those Japanese cards with the weird animals?
Do you like those? I think we have some of those.
Pokémon. I hate Pokémon.
Okay-
What about a book? No, a movie.
You want to watch a movie? Let's watch a movie.
I'm telling my dad, and he's going to hate you.
Kyle.
Hey!
Sit down before I microwave your Allosaurus!
Okay?
You're into bugs and dinosaurs and not so into sports,
so I'm thinking you're pretty smart, right?
And inexplicably mature. Do you know what "mature" means?
No?
Grownup, able to handle things, like the truth,
and getting hit with blocks.
Lots of blocks are gonna come your way in life, Kyle.
Lots.
Especially if you go on acting like this.
You're gonna grow up, and people are gonna hate you,
really not like you at all.
Forget girls.
Forget friends.
Sure, some might act like your friends, but really,
they just want something from you, money, sex, drugs.
You're an asshole, and it gets you to the top and guess what?
There's nobody else there. So you double down and keep working.
And before you know it, any family you had is long gone, too.
But
I'm thinking it's not too late for you to do things differently.
Is this 'cause you got shot in the head?
Hey.
Kyle, you're gonna play with Shane for a while, okay?
I owe you one.
Silas? Silas?
Oh, hi, Mom. Just doing a little cleaning up.
I think I pimped out both your brothers tonight.
Oh, well, if you're trying to go for the trifecta, sorry,
'cause I already pimped myself out.
You're drunk and dressed like a ninja.
And what... Where are your plants?
Oh, those? They got stolen weeks ago. But I had a plan.
All I had to do was sneak into the house when nobody was home and get them back.
Is it technically robbery if you're stealing stuff that's already yours?
Whose home?
You know, I don't even know their names. Well, I mean, there's Tracy, of course.
She turned 50 today. But really, they're just strangers.
Never did anything to me. I just let myself right in.
Oh, but wait. I'm not a burglar. I'm a burglar stripper.
Wow. Not a single piece of that made sense. When? What...
You got freaking robbed, and you didn't say anything.
I was handling it.
God, we gotta stop doing this.
No shit.
But what?
We just throw our jobs in the wood chipper and stare at each other all day?
I'm trying, Silas.
Well, good for you.
And what do I do? What about my work?
It just... it isn't worth it anymore.
This is what I'm good at.
- I mean, maybe not. I don't know anymore. - No, yes.
The growing, yes. The growing. It's just the business par-t of it.
Maybe not your forte.
I'm gonna make coffee. Please come inside.
I'm gonna finish cleaning up here.
I think I can get some seeds on consignment, start a new cycle.
I mean, that or practice my dance moves. I'm very hot.
Just ask Tracy and her friends.
Go, stripper. Go, stripper.
Go, stripper. Go, stripper. Go, stripper.
Go, stripper. Go, stripper. Go, stripper. Go, stripper.
- Security! Move! - No, I'm protesting!
- Tear gas! - I'm the 99%!
- 1%!1%! - I'm 99%!
Get a job!Get a job!1%!1%!
1%.1%.1%,1%,1%!
Get a job!Get a job!1%,1%!
All right.
You wanted to see me?
Great essay, Botwin.
- Thanks. I guess the topic just... - Great essay, Botwin.
Great essay, Botwin. I sound like a damn broken record.
How much did Ronchetta and Bondi pay you?
I don't know what you're talking about, sir.
And I thought you were a smart one.
Fork it over, and I'll see fit to forget all about this.
Can't we work something out?
I mean, this isn't the last assignment you're gonna give, is it'?
Well, you're gonna do just fine in the NYPD, aren't you?
Nancy! Come on in.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Last night was amazing. It was like a dam breaking.
- I'd forgotten Amy could even... - Oh, that's great.
You know, we had a great time, too.
Hey, Kyle has this bruise.
- Well, we were playing Twister and... - The kid is a klutz.
- You were gonna make a call for me. - Yes, yes. Already made.
You're all set up. I said you're a perfect fit.
Sociable, attractive, motivated, good with assholes.
Am I right?
On all counts.
So, this is what your company makes.
Complete SJ family, head to toe and everything in between.
- Adia? - Asthma.
- Brialta? - Arthritis.
- Celimax? - Heart.
- Celitrex. - Heart.
- Diotrex. - Bowels.
- Flopene. - Gas.
- Helipram. - Asthma.
- Livatera. - Cholesterol.
- Livatrope. - Cholesterol.
- Livapro. - Cholesterol.
Something for everything. And Maritor.
Maritor's an underperformer.
Frankly, a dud.
- Really? - it's synthetic pot. Like drinking near-beer.
- The marijuana pill. - Yes.
But when Washington flips the switch and it's legal,
my department's gonna be ready.
We've got a whole raft of new products we're working on with real THC.
Very NG.
- NG? - Next generation.
We're gonna kill it. Through the roof.
What's up, King Andy? Ready to hold court? Why, yes, I am. I decree it so.
Decree me a flagon of mead and a wench.
This is my castle, bitches...
What's up? I'm just helping Stevie out here. Stevie'? That kid is so quick.
I have to go to the doctor.
I can see you're in the middle of something very important here,
so I'll let you know how it turns out.
Let's do this. Let's have a baby.
What if it's Doug's?
Doesn't matter. A little bit.
Cross that moat later.
The point is I'm ready. Let's go.
"I'm ready. Let's go?"
What? Should I cross my arms and wink and wiggle my nose
and then, boom, nine months later, "Do you have the stirrups ready?"
Shush, shush!
I did some thinking. I did some soul-searching.
Thank you, Kentucky.
You've perfected bourbon, if nothing else. Okay.
It's been easy, relatively speaking, being "Uncle Andy," "Brother Andy,"
"Amazing-lover Andy."
"Father Andy," horse of a different color.
Scary, not just 'cause it sounds like I joined the priesthood.
Why did it scare me? 'Cause I've been thinking of it all wrong.
"Father Andy" is not Andy's father.
See? Andy's father being Lenny,
with all his bullshit, spiteful Yiddish epithets.
You think he ever built a castle with me?
These things are awesome. There's drawbridges and horses and shit.
We should also get the king's battle chariot set.
Anyway, I can...
No, I want to do these things with him. Lee Marvin Botwin.
Or her. Lynda Carter Botwin.
Too soon for that? I'm flexible.
We'll call him Little Ziggy Stardust for now.
Placeholder, unless you like that one.
Do you know how much these sets cost?
Well, we could get, like, China knockoffs, although that's a total Lenny move.
Get a job.
Or I could do that.
We developed Prazilax right here, this very building.
I don't have to tell you what that did for the enzyme world.
You'll have access to this whole wing if you're hired.
Gotta show me you got the goods.
Can't justify two new hires on sleepovers alone.
Won't be a problem.
Sleepovers? Plural?
Amy went shopping at the Pleasure Palace yesterday.
Holy shit.
I'm getting a company car, right?
Everyone gets their toys.