1 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,469 Previously on Weeds. 2 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:11,849 Don't want to be doing this. 3 00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:13,146 Whole reason I hired you. 4 00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:14,474 Why didn't you just call Demetri? 5 00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:15,648 With his idiot entourage. 6 00:00:15,724 --> 00:00:17,647 Just sell your weed to Kiku. 7 00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:20,821 I'm coaching the twins' derby team. 8 00:00:20,896 --> 00:00:22,193 Take a seat. 9 00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:23,319 You're distant. 10 00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:25,821 I need to know that you are actually in this thing with me. 11 00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:27,403 Go for it. Let it all out. 12 00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,363 Do not follow me. We're done, Andy! 13 00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:31,039 Connoisseur combo pack. 14 00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:32,491 Thanks, Mike. I'll ring him up. 15 00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:33,996 - You work here? - R.J. 16 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,749 Are you having a play date? 17 00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:38,580 - So, is your brother in security? - Police Academy. 18 00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:41,042 Name is Detective Ouellette, 25th Precinct. 19 00:00:41,124 --> 00:00:42,546 Mom, this is Angela. 20 00:00:42,626 --> 00:00:43,878 It's so neat to meet you. 21 00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:06,752 - What was that? - Oh, hey, Nance. Sweet fort, huh? 22 00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:07,836 What was that noise? 23 00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:10,513 The Russians, just moved in two doors down. 24 00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:12,683 The wife's a real sizzling piece of assmeat. 25 00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:15,261 The guy is terrifying, real Eastern Promises shit. 26 00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:19,102 - Each tattoo is someone he killed. - What was the boom? 27 00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:21,149 They're cutting down all the trees on their property. 28 00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:23,477 It's a Soviet thing, mastery over nature. 29 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,813 Hey, Paco, quit bogarting all the fruity pebbles. 30 00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:32,195 Hey, guess how many Glade Pluglns I got yesterday. 31 00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:36,828 Stevie is just staring at the TV. 32 00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:38,625 Seventy-five. And guess how much it cost me. 33 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,247 He's not gonna be some kind of TV zombie. 34 00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:43,547 $14. In your face. 35 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:48,344 Stew Leonard's grocery fat cats. They call it extreme couponing, and it is. 36 00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:49,840 They are right. 37 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,433 Please go back to screwing Andy. 38 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:58,479 I'm couponing because we have no money. 39 00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,851 Doug's cash is all tied up in that fake charity, 40 00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:03,810 and you and Andy don't make dick. I have no skills. 41 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,439 - We're really broke? - Yes. 42 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:09,524 Stevie should be playing soccer, not watching it. 43 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:14,203 I tried to enroll him in that fancy city league at Ashford Park, 44 00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:16,530 but, apparently, I missed the deadline by two weeks. 45 00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:17,990 Those uptight pricks. 46 00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:21,828 Aunt Nancy, someone named Kiku called three times. 47 00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:24,872 - What did she want? - She said it was personal. 48 00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:26,878 She sounded like she'd been drinking. 49 00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:29,335 Who is she? Did the bullet make you a lesbo? 50 00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,340 Lesbo? 51 00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:35,508 Come on, Stevie. Let's get dressed. We're gonna go sign you up for soccer. 52 00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:38,052 - Does she like you? - I think she does. 53 00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:41,764 You'd know, 'cause women release a pheromone. 54 00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:43,394 - Bullshit. - No, it's true. 55 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:46,693 You smell it with your brain, not your nose. But there are detectable signs. 56 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:51,194 Their pupils dilate, their pelvis orients towards you. 57 00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:52,820 They point their cooch at you? 58 00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,993 It's involuntary. It's like a weather vane. 59 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,696 Like a newborn kangaroo crawling to the pouch. 60 00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:58,826 Gross. 61 00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:02,376 We're all just animals, Shane, red in tooth and claw. 62 00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:03,873 Why are you so nervous, anyway? 63 00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:05,249 I really like this girl. 64 00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:17,303 See you later, man. Good work. 65 00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:20,101 I know. Take her on a double date. 66 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:23,056 That'll alleviate the pressure of having to be... 67 00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:24,936 You know, a normal person. 68 00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:27,894 - Can you come? - Sorry, buddy. 69 00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:30,650 Me and Jill are on the skids, splitsville. 70 00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:33,490 How was she in the sack, Aunt Jill? 71 00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:35,992 You are so broken. 72 00:04:37,486 --> 00:04:40,990 - Did you just have a sleepover? - Shut up. We were working late. 73 00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:42,915 Working on each other's dicks. 74 00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:45,665 Hey, how's your narco girlfriend? 75 00:04:46,077 --> 00:04:48,330 Or did she finally notice the cold, dead marbles 76 00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:49,460 where your eyes should be? 77 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:52,543 We happen to be going on a double date tonight, so fuck yourself. 78 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:53,752 Kiss my ass. 79 00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:55,678 Not with your friend's jizz all over it. 80 00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:58,132 I miss my brother. 81 00:04:58,215 --> 00:05:01,310 Shit. I got to go to the derby track. 82 00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:04,103 Would you tell Jill I'll be... Never mind. 83 00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:06,602 She doesn't care. Neither do you. 84 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,950 Look at these people, moving in, ruining the neighborhood. 85 00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:19,528 I know. It's a goddamn shame. 86 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:24,123 I'm really sorry, but both the Ninjas and the Transformers 87 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:25,997 already have full squads. 88 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,420 Please don't punish my kid for my sister's screw-up. 89 00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:29,587 Screw-up? 90 00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,381 Apparently, she missed the cut-off. 91 00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:33,925 No. No, no, no, no. They just tell people that. 92 00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:37,422 Look, Old Sandwich is a wealthy place. 93 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,256 There's a high demand for slots on our teams, 94 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:44,140 and they usually end up going to families who are able to make sizable donations. 95 00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:46,805 Kickbacks? In youth soccer? 96 00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:50,062 So, unless that's gonna be feasible, then... 97 00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:52,269 There is another league down in Hartford. 98 00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:56,273 No, I got you, Gordon. Understood. 99 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:57,528 Got what? 100 00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:00,110 This is a "whites only" league. 101 00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:04,122 This is not a "whites only" league. 102 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,291 Hey, I don't like Mexicans, either. 103 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,289 I just happened to have gotten knocked up by one. 104 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:11,713 The sperm, though, it is muy macho. 105 00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:14,841 We need to go talk to the local newspaper. 106 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,010 What did you say your last name was, again, Gordon? Gordon what? 107 00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:18,507 Wait, wait. 108 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,807 Hey! How would you like to be a Ninja? 109 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,260 - Yeah. - Yeah. 110 00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:25,969 Come on. Let's go find you a uniform, buddy. 111 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,687 Oh, here. 112 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:37,565 Used to have one just like it. 113 00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,117 How are you? 114 00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:43,654 Cramping, bloated. 115 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,957 I'm sorry. Or congratulations. I don't know. 116 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,128 Clear! 117 00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:54,456 So, I guess that means you can't go out tonight? 118 00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:58,009 Women can accomplish a shocking number of things 119 00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,553 while sloughing endometrial lining, Shane. 120 00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:04,682 Clear! 121 00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:08,228 I was thinking a double date, or double hang. 122 00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:10,055 Not date, whatever you want to call it. 123 00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:16,482 Wait, so, not a date? 124 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:19,777 Cadet Mullen, you're dead. 125 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:21,358 Son of a whore! 126 00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:24,782 I'm confused. Is that a yes? 127 00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:27,284 Yeah. Okay. 128 00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:31,501 Cut it out, rookies. 129 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:36,714 Hello? 130 00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:39,342 Hello? 131 00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:42,337 What the hell? 132 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:54,979 It is a shockingly common occurrence in my life 133 00:07:55,058 --> 00:08:01,156 that women are gifted unto me, seemingly with very little effort on my part. 134 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:04,075 And at a certain point, after the ludicrous bounty, 135 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,573 you have to finally wonder, "Why?" 136 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:07,620 Okay- 137 00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:13,999 Is it because I'm so just baseline physically attractive? 138 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:17,047 Debatable. More likely, it's 'cause of this, 139 00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:19,632 karma. 140 00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:21,547 I motherfucking earned it. 141 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:26,556 I was the fecal molecule of a maggot 50 lives ago, 142 00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:29,225 49 lives ago, a parasite on a sea cucumber, 143 00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:33,680 worked my way up from there, paying my reincarnatory dues, 144 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:37,313 coral, an earwig, a sewer rat, 145 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:41,147 a grackle, guinea fowl, clown fish, ocelot, 146 00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:45,826 eventually vaulting up the evolutionary chain to dog, 147 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:47,493 but like a shitty small dog 148 00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:51,494 felled immediately by parvo or canine SIDS, 149 00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:55,794 monkey, monkey, down to otter, monkey, chimp, 150 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,587 and then finally human! 151 00:08:57,662 --> 00:09:02,668 But... Whoops! Fuck! I'm a child sex slave, and I live in a well. 152 00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:06,505 But in all these incarnations... 153 00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:12,011 I was good and kind and humble and accepted my fate patiently. 154 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:13,595 So, thus. 155 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:19,443 After an endless series of short, oft brutal lives, 156 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:24,402 I was finally, finally, finally born as me, 157 00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:29,369 Andrew Botwin, effortless receiver of tail. 158 00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:31,906 It's just a theory, of course. 159 00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:35,868 But if it's not biology and it's not karma, 160 00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:41,582 then there is a puppet master out there who enjoys watching me get my freak on, 161 00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:44,008 and that would mean God, basically, 162 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:48,965 and I would have to rethink, well...everything. 163 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,468 If you can catch me, you can fuck me. 164 00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:56,305 Yeah, I'll get my skates. 165 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,933 This is my third time around. 166 00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:02,986 It's my first. Best decision I ever made. 167 00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:07,817 Is it a decision? I mean, I guess it is. But even when it is, is it really? 168 00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:11,073 All I know is, I was 100% self-centered before Colby, 169 00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:13,405 and now everything's about him. 170 00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:17,659 Hustle, Colby! Make Daddy proud, buddy. 171 00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:21,288 - Nice orange slicing. - Which one's yours? 172 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:25,251 The slow idiot who just got smoked by that new kid. 173 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,085 Who is that? Some housekeeper's kid? 174 00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:28,590 I don't know, but he's fast. 175 00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:32,465 Somebody cover him! 176 00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:35,553 Go, go, go! Stevie, go, go, go! Go! 177 00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:39,397 Good boy! 178 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,937 Gordon. 179 00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:45,487 You are so good! 180 00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:48,357 How did you get to be so good? Are you having fun? 181 00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:50,191 Come on, new kid. 182 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,278 Hi. 183 00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:55,784 Your son's gonna be in the goal for the rest of the match. 184 00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:56,956 Why? 185 00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:59,284 'Cause he's making our sons look like sacks of shit. 186 00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:00,619 Competition's healthy. 187 00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:03,581 A fair competition. Your son has an unnatural advantage. 188 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:06,507 They're practically born kicking a soccer ball down there, 189 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,881 whatever they play with. Grapefruit. 190 00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:11,095 Jesus, Jeff. 191 00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:15,426 So, what do you say? Goalie's a fun position. 192 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,728 Sure. Why not? Stevie. 193 00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:28,067 Listen, I'm sorry about Jeff. He's an asshole. 194 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,649 Go, go, go, go! Go! 195 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:33,072 Oh, Jesus Christ. 196 00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:39,165 - Oh, sweet Mary... - Son of a... 197 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,868 Guess it is just in his nature. 198 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,293 So, we'll be getting that donation from you soon? 199 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:48,333 Oh, Gordon, what would the newspaper say? 200 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:49,884 He owns the paper. 201 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,838 I'm on the team now! I'm a Ninja! 202 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,137 Donation. No problem. 203 00:11:57,842 --> 00:12:01,187 So, I was reading about a 420 affiliate program 204 00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:03,682 where your website is linked in cross-promotions 205 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:05,358 with other marijuana-based sites. 206 00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:07,561 - I signed us up. - Are you fucking kidding me? 207 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:11,156 - No. Why'? What? - We're artisans, Silas. 208 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,950 We don't advertise on the Internet. People come to us. 209 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:15,743 All right. 210 00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:17,619 Artisans... 211 00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:19,238 I'm telling you, 212 00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:22,166 as soon as we make a sale, I'm buying my own place. 213 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,539 Why? You have a free grow house. 214 00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:26,121 No, I can't take my fucking brother. He never lays off. 215 00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:28,084 You should have heard him this morning when you left. 216 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,461 - What'd he say? - Oh, idiot shit. 217 00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:31,542 "You guys are fucking faggots," that kind of stuff. 218 00:12:31,626 --> 00:12:34,004 - What a little asshole. - I know, right'? 219 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:37,515 But, you know, it's true, every guy should suck a dick at some point. 220 00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:40,973 - Fuck off. - I'm not kidding. 221 00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:45,561 It's like getting in direct contact with the essential maleness in yourself. 222 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,017 It's really powerful. 223 00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:50,896 Plus, just the sheer volume of tedious shit you have to put up with 224 00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:54,199 just to get a girl to suck your dick, it's, like, forget it. 225 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:57,949 And trust me, afterwards, I'm not gonna be all like, "Oh, let's cuddle!" 226 00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:00,450 I'll be like, "Sweet hummer! High five! 227 00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,328 "Let's get back to work." 228 00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:04,375 Whoa. Look at your face. 229 00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,579 Never mind. I thought maybe, I thought maybe you... 230 00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:09,756 Forget it. 231 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:13,506 Oh, geez. I got to go help Stevie with some homework. 232 00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:15,382 Come on, man. Don't be like that. 233 00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,088 Look, I don't care what you are, all right? 234 00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:18,923 - I just... I'm not. - I'm not, either. 235 00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:20,429 I'm just saying I'll suck a buddy's dick 236 00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:21,805 'cause it's a fucking friendly thing to do. 237 00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:24,353 I'm not all hung up on it, like you obviously are. 238 00:13:24,429 --> 00:13:26,932 No, yeah, it's just I got to go. 239 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,149 Fuck. 240 00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:36,112 I can't speak as to why those other women whip off their clothes for you, 241 00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:37,863 but I can tell you why I did. 242 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:40,741 Why? 243 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:44,161 'Cause you never shut up about the women in your life. 244 00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:47,327 I mean, most guys just talk about themselves. 245 00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:48,832 You talk about them. 246 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:52,632 I guess maybe those other women, like me, 247 00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:54,960 maybe they just wanted someone to talk about them 248 00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:57,717 as much as you talk about Jill and Nancy. 249 00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:03,886 Also, my girlfriend's visiting her folks and my TiVo's out of Law & Order. 250 00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:11,442 Maybe it's the bullet? I don't know, this just isn't me anymore. 251 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,144 I'm gonna need you to buy me out. 252 00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:16,401 Turns out going straight costs a lot of money. 253 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,575 Apparently, so does soccer. 254 00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,904 Oh, hey, it's what's-her-name! 255 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,324 All right, let's do everybody. 256 00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:27,954 Oh, honey. 257 00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,832 This is why I've been calling you. 258 00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:32,755 Today would have been my dad's 60th birthday. 259 00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:34,548 I'm very vulnerable today. 260 00:14:34,624 --> 00:14:38,128 And these guys came to deliver. You wouldn't pick up your phone. 261 00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,802 My dad wore glasses, too. 262 00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,429 Happy birthday, Daddy. 263 00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:47,437 That's a pretty flower. 264 00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:50,106 Tiger orchid. Here. 265 00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:53,310 - I need you to get me out of here. - What? 266 00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:56,567 While we were all in there, I suddenly caught myself in the mirror 267 00:14:56,646 --> 00:14:59,900 and realized, "What the hell am I doing with my life?" 268 00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:03,703 I have three semesters of creative writing at Bristol Valley Community. 269 00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:07,703 I'm scared of my brothers. I think they might have brain damage. 270 00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:11,377 So, I'm gonna go. 271 00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:15,002 Just estimate what my half of the business is worth 272 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:18,130 and just bring it over, okay? 273 00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:21,804 Thanks. I'm sorry about your dad. 274 00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:24,807 Use many condoms. 275 00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:28,094 Please take me with you. 276 00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:29,520 Hey, what are you whispering about over there? 277 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:30,562 Nothing. 278 00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:32,106 Mama, look. 279 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:37,520 Yeah, okay. 280 00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:39,697 All right, let's go. 281 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,082 Beatrice wins. 282 00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:52,331 Oh! Bullshit! 283 00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:53,912 It's true. She won. 284 00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:56,248 That was a good game. Let's go get that coffee now. 285 00:15:56,330 --> 00:16:00,585 Fucking women siding with each other. All my goddamn life. 286 00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:03,672 My ex-wife sides with my other ex-wife. 287 00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:08,885 My goddamn lady lieutenant believing Carla from the fucking motor pool 288 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,187 that I sexually harassed her? 289 00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:17,277 I mean, in what Obamacare, iPad, fruit-of-the-month club fucking world 290 00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:22,528 does cupping an ass once constitute fucking sexual harassment? 291 00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:24,738 I mean, come on. 292 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:28,037 You know they got instant replay now for fucking home runs? 293 00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:29,906 Here's your instant replay. 294 00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:34,460 That fucking home run was a home run or not 295 00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:37,459 based upon my fucking judgment. 296 00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:41,543 Tough shit. Fuck you. Next batter. I mean, right? 297 00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:45,054 And you, I mean, you're a... 298 00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:48,724 I don't know what you are, sweetheart, but you got to back off on that Obama shit. 299 00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:51,390 Yeah. 300 00:16:51,469 --> 00:16:56,316 Do you know that 1 PP wanted to fucking switch 301 00:16:56,390 --> 00:17:00,736 all the fucking cars in the fucking fleet to Priuses last year? 302 00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:02,654 Actually, that was a false rumor. 303 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:09,705 Having the whole NYP-fucking-D driving around in oversized golf carts. 304 00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:12,870 "Excuse me, sir. I got to pull you over here." And then, bingo! 305 00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:16,579 That little motherfucker is halfway up the Saw Mill River Parkway. 306 00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:20,756 I mean, come on! 307 00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:26,046 There are entire continents in fucking Africa that are fucking dying of AIDS. 308 00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:31,643 And the fucking Pope, he's just sitting around on his balcony 309 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:35,347 saying that condoms are evil! That motherfucker! 310 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:41,777 I like Obama. 311 00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:47,779 He reminds me of Harry Belafonte. 312 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,044 This is what I'm talking about here, you know? 313 00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:08,846 You don't need a fucking high-class restaurant 314 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,889 gouging you for fucking money. 315 00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:15,887 This is nice, is all. 316 00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:21,605 Yeah. Life's been hard lately. 317 00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:27,195 I got those Eskimo pies in the freezer. I'll go get them. 318 00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:49,095 I found a loophole in a triple-coupon offer from Waldbaum's, 319 00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:54,263 so they had to pay me five cents for each roll of paper towels. 320 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,723 I bought 200 rolls. 321 00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:59,347 They don't actually pay you, but still... 322 00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:02,023 Congratulations? 323 00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:04,481 But then they wouldn't all fit in the car. 324 00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:07,154 And I had to leave half of them in the parking lot. 325 00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:10,945 I think I've been trying to fill a hole in my heart 326 00:19:11,025 --> 00:19:13,027 with extraordinary savings. 327 00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,196 I miss you. 328 00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:20,869 Yeah. I didn't know where that was going. 329 00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:46,857 - What are those marks? - What? Oh... 330 00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:49,029 This is funny. 331 00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:51,149 I was having sex with this woman at the derby rink, 332 00:19:51,232 --> 00:19:53,610 and she has these piercings, and they scraped. 333 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:54,694 Ouch. 334 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:02,077 - You broke up with me. - A few days ago. 335 00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:03,331 Yeah. 336 00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:06,210 And I waited until today. 337 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,586 Today? You had sex with a roller slut today? 338 00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:17,517 I'm very close to feeling pure, intense, forever love with you. 339 00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:19,138 The past is unimportant. 340 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:22,222 Face it. We both bring baggage to the table. 341 00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:24,060 A few hours ago is not the past. 342 00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:27,019 Well, I mean... Technically. 343 00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:31,731 Wait. You don't understand. It's not my fault. 344 00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:33,782 The things I do, there's a puppet master. 345 00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:36,528 There is no fucking puppet master! 346 00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,747 I wouldn't taunt him, Jill. 347 00:20:39,822 --> 00:20:43,326 You have no idea the things he's capable of making you do. 348 00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:47,413 Puppet master. It's trite, is what it is. He's just so goddamn predictable. 349 00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:49,624 Take responsibility for your actions. 350 00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:50,879 "We were broken up." 351 00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:55,054 Yeah, well, I spent most of my marriage suppressing the overwhelming desire 352 00:20:55,129 --> 00:20:58,554 to sit on the face of the Sparkletts driver. But did I do it'? No. 353 00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:01,055 Because I'm an autonomous human who makes choices 354 00:21:01,135 --> 00:21:04,810 and accepts the consequences, no matter how horrible they may be. 355 00:21:04,889 --> 00:21:07,312 - Is this real life? - No. You're dreaming. 356 00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:08,608 Now, go harder. 357 00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:13,773 Aunt Nancy! Your lover is here! 358 00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:17,201 Oh, good. You brought my money. 359 00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:21,414 Until I met you, my life was perfect. 360 00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:25,084 Sure, I had a minor cocaine addiction, but generally, things were swell. 361 00:21:25,159 --> 00:21:28,914 Look, I'm sorry to leave you hanging, but I'm done. 362 00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:31,419 And plus, I need to keep Stevie in soccer. 363 00:21:31,499 --> 00:21:35,094 You want out? Me too. There. We're both out. 364 00:21:35,211 --> 00:21:36,838 But you also want money? 365 00:21:37,171 --> 00:21:38,297 There is no money. 366 00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:42,055 If Doug and his idiot friend didn't skim it, it went back into the business. 367 00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:44,854 Here's your golden parachute. 368 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,559 I hope I never have to see this boring fucking hippie drug 369 00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:51,144 for as long as I live. 370 00:21:51,393 --> 00:21:52,861 Goodbye, Nancy. 371 00:21:53,687 --> 00:21:55,314 I'll miss your son's cock. 372 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,364 Legendary! 373 00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:04,699 - Yeah! Yeah! - Oh, fuck! Fuck! 374 00:22:04,782 --> 00:22:06,204 - Fuck, fuck, fuck! - Yeah! 375 00:22:06,283 --> 00:22:10,208 This is a disaster. I'm sorry I brought you into this. 376 00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:11,876 Yes! 377 00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:16,294 Yes! 378 00:22:17,545 --> 00:22:19,923 - What are you doing? - Checking your pupils. 379 00:22:20,548 --> 00:22:22,516 You can't tell if I like you or not? 380 00:22:27,555 --> 00:22:31,935 - So, I didn't blow it by bringing you here? - I come from a long line of cops. 381 00:22:32,059 --> 00:22:36,189 They're all miserable, alcoholic hotheads. 382 00:22:36,897 --> 00:22:39,867 So, I know all of this. 383 00:22:42,403 --> 00:22:43,370 Now... 384 00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:45,163 Take those off. 385 00:22:58,586 --> 00:23:00,554 I brought you a towel. 386 00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:03,758 I saw you didn't bring yours today, so... 387 00:23:04,133 --> 00:23:05,350 Hi. 388 00:23:05,426 --> 00:23:07,428 - I should explain. - Oh, no, no. Please. Please. 389 00:23:07,511 --> 00:23:09,513 Someone should get some use out of this pool. 390 00:23:10,639 --> 00:23:13,609 Anyway, it's supposed to be good for rehab, right? 391 00:23:15,853 --> 00:23:19,232 It's a small town. Sometimes I work at the hospital. 392 00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:21,901 It's a great pool. 393 00:23:23,652 --> 00:23:24,869 Thank you. 394 00:23:27,281 --> 00:23:28,908 I used to have a pool. 395 00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:34,130 I'm gonna get out now. 396 00:23:44,465 --> 00:23:48,686 I see you, up there, watching me. 397 00:23:49,678 --> 00:23:53,182 - You are in my backyard. - True. 398 00:23:57,144 --> 00:23:59,192 I'm a rabbi. 399 00:24:00,064 --> 00:24:03,694 - So? - So, here. Sit. 400 00:24:07,613 --> 00:24:09,832 Every time I get out of your pool... 401 00:24:12,159 --> 00:24:14,287 I have this weird thing, 402 00:24:14,620 --> 00:24:19,421 like maybe I'm gonna emerge a different person. 403 00:24:21,335 --> 00:24:22,552 Tevilah. 404 00:24:23,337 --> 00:24:26,466 Tevilah. It's like a Jewish baptism. 405 00:24:26,924 --> 00:24:28,517 The pool is the mikvah. 406 00:24:28,676 --> 00:24:31,429 The water is supposed to be brought in from a natural source, 407 00:24:31,512 --> 00:24:33,856 not pumped in from a hose 408 00:24:33,931 --> 00:24:36,730 and chlorinated once a week by an ex-con from Glastonbury, 409 00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:38,402 but the idea is the same. 410 00:24:38,686 --> 00:24:40,438 And you know what the cool thing is? 411 00:24:40,729 --> 00:24:43,733 Unlike baptism, in tevilah, 412 00:24:44,817 --> 00:24:47,036 you get endless chances to be new. 413 00:24:51,532 --> 00:24:53,876 I thought I was new, but... 414 00:24:54,535 --> 00:24:57,209 Maybe it was just the Vicodin. 415 00:25:00,791 --> 00:25:03,089 I can't keep making the same choices. 416 00:25:05,838 --> 00:25:06,930 Then don't. 417 00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:24,364 The fuck? 418 00:25:27,818 --> 00:25:29,240 What did you do with my plants? 419 00:25:29,319 --> 00:25:30,821 I just got back from my date. 420 00:25:30,904 --> 00:25:32,656 - Bullshit. - Want to smell my fingers? 421 00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:35,493 Something happened to your plants? Why don't you ask your weirdo friend? 422 00:25:40,539 --> 00:25:42,086 What's going on? 423 00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:44,884 What the fuck? 424 00:25:46,170 --> 00:25:48,889 - Code breaker! - I didn't mean to! 425 00:25:48,964 --> 00:25:50,432 I guess we're even. 426 00:25:53,844 --> 00:25:55,437 Not cool! 427 00:25:56,847 --> 00:25:57,894 R.J.! 428 00:25:58,348 --> 00:26:00,521 - Hello? - We're closed. 429 00:26:00,601 --> 00:26:02,069 The fuck are my plants? 430 00:26:03,812 --> 00:26:06,031 - What happened to you? - I realized I could feel things again, 431 00:26:06,106 --> 00:26:08,359 so I asked this dude to punch me in the face a couple times, 432 00:26:08,442 --> 00:26:10,536 and he went a little overboard. 433 00:26:10,611 --> 00:26:12,113 What's the matter with you, man? Are you on drugs? 434 00:26:12,196 --> 00:26:14,039 That's the point. Not anymore. 435 00:26:14,198 --> 00:26:16,826 My parents have been drugging me since I was 13, 436 00:26:16,909 --> 00:26:19,003 but I'm done wearing their blinders. 437 00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:21,038 Just give me my plants, man. 438 00:26:21,121 --> 00:26:25,968 I liked you. I thought you were kindred. But it turns out you're an oaf. 439 00:26:26,043 --> 00:26:28,137 You have no imagination. 440 00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:33,184 You see it as drugs to push, like it's merch. 441 00:26:33,467 --> 00:26:37,188 Like my parents' pills- Crass, dead, merch- 442 00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:44,733 But it's not dead. It's alive. It's ancient. 443 00:26:45,104 --> 00:26:46,822 It knows things. 444 00:26:47,231 --> 00:26:49,825 The plants pick you. 445 00:26:50,317 --> 00:26:54,618 But you have to be ready. It is a battle. 446 00:26:54,822 --> 00:26:58,622 You control them or they control you, and I saw it today. 447 00:26:58,742 --> 00:27:03,339 You don't understand the gift you have, and you don't understand the plants. 448 00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:10,387 They fucking take you down. It would end badly for you. 449 00:27:12,256 --> 00:27:16,932 You couldn't see it, but I could, so now they're all gone. 450 00:27:18,178 --> 00:27:20,556 You can thank me later. Or don't. 451 00:27:21,890 --> 00:27:23,892 I don't need you anymore.