Previously on "Weeds"...
Children with their mothers is a good thing.
Finish out your sentence, and at that time,
I'll see what is and is not possible.
Thank you.
Heylia, people love MILF.
I'll supply you.
I have been selling dime bags all night
for $500 a pop.
Stop by the office next week with a business plan.
We'll take a look at it.
Jolene Waite. I'm with the S.E.C. I don't like her.
Any chance I could buy an eighth?
I'm gonna need to smoke up. You got it.
Who is that?
That's my stepson.
Tell him his dad wants to talk to him.
I have cancer. What?
It's in my pancreas.
You're not old. You're just dying.
I'm an asshole.
I watched a drug bust.
What the hell did mom have to do with it?
She told Ouellette that my big brother
was involved with Pouncy House.
In order to save me, he had to bust them.
Trust me, Botwin.
She's shittin' her Dolce & Gabbanas right now.
You had him arrested?
It's business.
That's bullshit.
Whose side are you on?
From now on, my own.
Consider me...
...the competition?
Fuck him. Let him go. We don't need him.
Fair warning --
Everything is up for grabs.
Paul, how's my favorite customer in all of Tribeca?
Yeah, uh, did, um, Silas call you yet?
Ike, it's Silas.
We got some really killer stuff coming in this week, man.
Nancy? No. She doesn't work here anymore.
Listen -- we're gonna be changing our phone number.
Personnel issues.
Um...
How's the family?
J.C.! How's my number-one delivery guy?
You're still my number-one delivery guy, right?
Uh, yes! I would love to help you pick out new headshots.
Logan Modeling Agency.
Uh, Kiku, it's Nancy. Hey, girl.
Mulcahey here.
Colm Mulcahey, it's Silas Botwin.
We haven't met yet. Who?
My former partner, Nancy,
had apparently been furnishing you with certain items.
Um, listen. We're gonna be doing a little, uh, restructuring,
and we might be able to use your services.
Frankly, Silas has been acting a little weird lately.
I think she's off her meds,
so if she calls, ignore her, okay?
I'll be taking care of you now.
Wrong number. Wrong number.
Hello?
Shit.
That asshole hasn't returned my calls.
You make one comment about what you'd like to do to someone
if you had them naked and tied up,
and suddenly I'm making them uncomfortable?
You're right.
Um, I think I have a proposal for you.
Interesting.
Uh, can I call you back? H-hold on a second.
Vehement capital.
This is dougbot9000. System error.
Doug, it's Silas.
Name does not compute.
Stop fucking around. It's Silas.
Hello?
I thought you were discreet. Leave me alone.
Our ties are severed.
What's shakin', killer?
Okay, ask yourself this.
How many times has Nancy ditched you over the years,
belittled you, made you feel like
you have absolutely no value as a human?
Oh, Silas from the loft! I'm sorry.
I got another guy on six named Silas.
Or is it Simon?
Uh, hold on, Silas from the loft.
Vaginament Crapital.
Doug, hey, it's Nancy.
Oh, Nance! Nance, we miss you down here.
I got this new girl on my desk.
She's a real see ya next cuntsday.
Uh...Uh, listen.
Silas might be calling you
with some, uh, misleading information.
Mmm, yummy.
But the truth is that I'm still furnishing your building.
So spread the word. Um, still my territory.
Doug?
Shit!
Damn it, Doug.
Shirley, I told you I'm not gonna play the fuckin' lotto.
Hey, Botwin.
I didn't know you were coming here today.
Yeah, I wanted to say thanks for Silas.
The bust really scared him. My mom's grateful.
Oh, so that's really good, then.
Yeah. I, uh, wanted to return the favor.
Billy.
Hey.
Holy fuck. Come in.
How you doing?
Okay.
I'm really glad you came.
You look great.
Hey, hey, you want a soda? Root beer, right?
Sure.
Okay, stay right here, and I'll be right back.
Uh...
All right.
What the fuck was that?!
Look, I told you I'd come and see the guy,
not that I'd sing and dance.
Now, where's that eighth you promised me?
Let me ask you something.
Did he ever hit you, huh? Ow!
Did he ever tell you you're shit?
Fondle your balls? Huh? No!
Then quit acting like a moody emo dickhole!
Mitch may be a self-hating alcoholic mess,
but he loves the crap out of you.
Let him back into your life, or, I swear to God,
I will come to one of your faggoty track meets
and take a bat to your kneecap.
Okay! Okay!
They didn't have root beer, but, uh,
it's a choice between Nestea iced tea
and Pepsi wild cherry.
Um, iced tea's fine.
Thanks...
Dad.
I really missed you, buddy.
I really missed you a lot.
Hold on, mom.
You know what? Let me call you back.
What? You come to gloat?
Laugh at what a gullible idiot I am?
I am so sorry this happened.
For which part?
The fact that my parents had to bail me out of jail
or that I got kicked out of law school?
They kicked you out?
What the fuck did you think they would do --
offer me a T.A. position?
Why did you do it? I didn't.
Your psycho brother was there. It was my mom.
She begged this detective to bust you
to "save me from getting sucked into the life."
Seriously?
Jesus, Silas.
You come from some bad stock, man.
Your whole clan is mega-fucked.
That's...
Why I'm going out on my own.
So what do you want from me?
Your customers.
Why would I give you my customers?
Because I gave you the best orgasm of your life?
Oh, honey.
Because I like you.
Nice to hear, but also not good enough.
Because you hate my mom right now as much as I do.
Oh, um, slightly bluer green,
more sea-foamy.
These four. Make sure they have drivers' licenses.
Oh, good. You're home. We need a coffee run, urgently.
Ask me why I should have been a musician.
Why should you have been a musician?
Because I'm playing that detective like a fiddle.
I just "thanked" him for helping Silas,
distracted him with a bullshit family reunion.
Told you I could handle him.
Good.
So, what's the game plan?
Brand management, gearing up
for an investor meeting later this week.
Does this mean we're gonna get Stevie back soon?
Havens says when my finances improve,
I have a really, really good chance.
Good. I've missed him. I'm the good big brother.
Stop it. Silas is a great big brother.
We're all finished with our detective friend, right?
Yes, mother.
Don't say it like that. It's creepy.
Yes, mother.
How was that?
It was the best orgasm of my life.
Really? That's --
Oh. Asshole.
Mmm.
You can have my customers for 20%.
I have to pay lawyers now.
You want rent money, too?
I got kicked out of the loft.
Are you sure going up against your mom is the smartest thing?
There's easier ways to get back at her.
You can get me pregnant.
I'm kidding.
It wouldn't even matter.
Nancy only cares about her business and herself.
I'll clear some drawers out.
If you're gonna do this,
you're gonna need people on your side.
No, no. I'm not a taker of sides.
I -- I float in the ambiguous middle ground,
still beloved, my relationships unsullied
once you two idiots get past this little kerfuffle.
I don't get involved.
And look where you are.
Um, I have my own successful bike shop.
All right.
Maybe if Jerns hadn't seen the Times piece
and demanded more money,
or if Pampa hadn't been called the worst example
of fake neighborhood creation since Braht.
That's the "blocks right around the Holland tunnel."
It's a cute area.
I need you.
You're a people person,
and you came so close here.
I think you could be successful with me,
someone with ground-floor equity.
Bill Sussman's all about ground-floor equity.
Kick in some start-up funds, become my right-hand man.
I give you...
25% of net.
Face it. You are a valuable commodity, uncle Andy.
Face it. I'm a valuable commodity.
8% of net.
Silas is offering me 30%!
Alex? You flipped Alex?
Silas never appreciated my talents.
No, he didn't. The big meanie.
I want the computer set up next.
We're set for Thursday.
Oh, great.
Nance, I am offering you
my services at the drug game, for real.
I feel like you're dismissing the magnitude of that.
I don't want to get you involved.
Well, maybe it's time I get involved.
I want to get involved. Involve me, Nance.
I'll involve you 8%.
I thought about it. I'm in.
Great.
15%.
No, you said 25%.
Yeah, that was before you went to Nancy
and tried to shop the deal.
What? That's crazy! Shane told me, you sneak.
Sneaker. Sneakers lose percentage.
She only offered me 8%.
She values 8% of me.
You know that woman will never take you seriously.
But I do.
How about 18%? It's chai. It's a Jew thing.
You gonna write that check now or...
Later. 18%. Okay, okay. Where are we?
I got the number,
and the order's routed into the cloud now.
Pouncy House customers are still spooked,
so I'm having one of my guys make a sales call
to the bigger customers.
Orders rolling in.
Problem is, I -- we're almost out of product.
Where's the MILF?
Heylia's, um...courier's one or two days away.
I got a line on some Jersey Hydro
and this Vermont Sativa, but they're both just okay.
We need MILF.
Did you know Alex and Kiku are working with Nancy?
She -- she stole Alex and Kiku?
Mm-hmm.
Unbelievable.
No wonder they're ignoring my calls.
I know. She's unbound, that woman.
Fuck it.
Demetri makes me nervous.
He makes me feel short and slight,
and I kind of want to touch his bicep, like, once.
Why is that?
Demetri.
Remember us? Andy. Silas.
We smoked out at the loft, and your sister was all
"Argh, I am scary Russian woman."
I felt we had a vibe.
Me and you, not me and your sister.
I would never do that.
That's not to say she's not...
I would totally fuck your sister, is what I'm saying.
Let me start over.
What are you doing here?
My customers love your stuff.
And I'd hate to have to deny them
just because me and Nancy split.
Yeah.
We'll pay you an extra $150 a pound.
She'll be slow getting up and running anyway.
She's slow doing a lot of things.
I've been waiting eight years for her to thank me
for giving up my life for her, for example.
I don't know, guys. I'd hate to overstep bounds.
Convince me.
If I had to pick a horse in this race,
I'd go with the younger, hungrier one,
not the older, flaky horse
who just spent three years in jail
and recently slept with her boss.
Well, you've given me a lot to think about --
both of you.
I'm feeling weird about the sister stuff.
Was it weird? I think maybe that it got weird.
Wait. Uh, call me.
We're gonna be nailing down other supply lines soon,
and I'd hate to not have room for you,
so, uh, obviously, just, uh, keep this between us.
Okay?
You kidding? I'd hate to piss that woman off.
Yeah, totally.
Oh, shit.
Look at you.
Uh...
Wow.
I know. Damn.
He called you "the old horse."
You gonna stomp him?
I'm done feeling guilty.
Damn right.
You got nothing to feel guilty about.
He... way crossed the line.
He did. Didn't he?
Yeah.
What are you gonna do, mama?
I'm gonna... I'm gonna win.
I'm gonna end this, and he's gonna see how hard it is.
Spank him.
Teach that boy a lesson!
Now let's have angry sex on the kitchen counter.
Timing, Demetri.
Oh, come on, Heylia. We're in New York.
I'm not seeing the goddamn "Lion King."
You promised to respect my needs.
Not if your needs are stupid. Stop. T-turn here.
Where is Silas?
The bike shop's just at the end of this alley.
Look at this guy.
Move it, buddy. Come on!
I'm gonna text Silas,
let him know that we're pulling up.
Can't wait to see his face when he sees we came.
This guy is never gonna get in there.
Your car is too big for that space!
As any idiot could see.
Apparently, a modern education doesn't cultivate
qualitative spatial reasoning anymore,
or a respect for musical theater.
Roll up your window. What?
Oh, my God.
We're getting mugged by Sarah Palin.
We're being jacked.
There's a difference?!
Hands on the wheel.
Okay. Okay.
Open the window!
Fuck you.
Open your fucking window!
How about "hell the fuck no!"?
Aah!
Aah! Heylia!
Dean!
Throw your gun outside the car now!
You have three seconds!
Shit. Three...
Two...One.
Dean!
Damn.
You okay?
Ocean sounds.
Heylia. Your driver in the city yet?
What? W-why? Why was Dean --
I don't -- I don't understand. I don't understand.
No. No. No. I did not tell anyone.
Hello?
Gin.
Hello. Nice to see you all again.
Um, Rick, I think I still owe you $30
for Judy's retirement gift.
Yeah, don't let me forget.
Gentlemen, I am not a secretary.
I sell marijuana.
Pot's illegality is the number-one thing
keeping higher-end customers away.
It's not scarcity or lack of interest.
Illegality, which to me is as unamerican...
As the gratuitous over-regulation
of self-correcting financial systems.
Got that right.
I have a plan to help bridge the gap
between that un-serviced luxury-customer base
and the product.
Dude, dude, princess Ice Cooter's here.
She's not supposed to be in today.
I know. I know. Y-y-you got to go distract her. Go. Go.
Oh! Oh!
What are you doing?
I just wanted to talk to you.
You...are a mean man, Doug Wilson.
You've made rude gestures, written me nasty notes,
desecrated my owls.
You farted in my bag.
That was Whit.
You have done nothing but make my life here thoroughly unpleasant.
Why do you think I do those things?
Because you are a schoolyard bully,
picking on the weakest li--
That's why I do those things.
Feelings.
You're so...
Beautiful?
Yeah.
You have no idea how long I've waited for this to happen to me.
In catering to this high-end client,
we will focus on simplicity and elegance.
One size, two choices. Head or body high.
What we're really selling here is exclusivity.
We've hired a P.R. firm to create
a mysterious and exclusive social group...
Which is really us.
Shh! Shh!
Phone calls for membership have been flooding in.
We have been turning them all down.
87% call back, even more desperate for membership.
Because nothing makes a rich person want something more
than telling them they can't have it.
Membership costs a fee, naturally,
and after a screening process...
They can start calling in their orders.
This is all fine and good, guys, but, uh,
we need liquid cash now.
Yes, um...
The profits are almost instantaneous
and off the books.
So we can funnel it wherever we need it.
But more importantly,
we just hooked a big fish
for the triple angel investor fund
thanks to Nancy's pot.
Creating a luxury market for marijuana is...clever.
But home delivery's nothing new in Manhattan.
By bike. But not by town car.
And not with our messengers.
Ohh.
Hmm?
Mabuhay! This is Charles Van Der Elst.
Oh, hey! Hey, Charles.
Uh...
How's the cancer and stuff?
If you're receiving this call, that means two things.
One -- I'm dead.
And two -- you're invited to my funeral.
Wednesday.
Edenwald Cemetery. 1:00 P.M.
Wear purple. No tears.
Just bon voyage, fellow traveler. So it goes.
What's wrong?
You're stupid. Nancy's stupid.
Heylia...
...It is great to see you.
Dean, I'm sure nothing's broken.
Just keep the 18%.
I'm...
It's not worth it.
People don't do this shit to Heylia James
and get away with it.
I know they don't.
But still...
I'll hold off.
But you're asking a lot.
You're asking near about everything.
I appreciate that.
Give me some time to try and make it right.
Fine. I'll give you till Wednesday night.
What's Wednesday?
I'm gonna take this fool to see "The Lion King."
All right.
I'm ready.
Military police! Open up! Freeze, scumbag!
Oh.
Holy shit.
It's not what it looks like.
You swore...
to defend your country,
and here you are,
up to your naked...junk...in drugs.
America would be so disappointed.
Please don't tell America.
Wait.
Y-you said the plane wasn't coming in until next week.
It isn't.
This is your MILF shit.
What?
You said you wanted to teach Silas a lesson.
You didn't.
My boys did.
Told you they were getting bored up on that base.
They hacked into Silas' cellphone,
found out when the delivery was,
stopped Heylia's drivers, and relieved them of the pot.
Clean operation.
No. I just wanted him to figure out he couldn't do it alone.
I didn't ask you to do this.
You can't go to war halfway.
Shit, why do you think we're still in Iraq?
You need to send it all back. Now.
Come on! It was a present.
Have another drink.
Silas, there's been a mistake.
My boys aren't gonna be happy.
Better your boys than mine.
We need to end this. I'm gonna text you an address.
You can meet me there in the morning, okay?
Wait.
You need to give it all back.
My mom did this to me.
Mm-hmm.
You know how I s-- said
that the only two things she really cares about
are her business and herself?
Mm-hmm.
There's one other thing.
Hello?
Uh, Ms. Botwin. Judge Franklin in Oakland.
Let me get right to the point.
Your lawyer has presented me with a compelling argument.
So, what was so important
that you needed to come in and talk to me?
Release documents from the halfway house,
notice of venture funding...
...and a letter of commendation from the S.E.C. for some reason.
Um, I've also been talking to your son's guardian, Scott,
off the record.
What airline?
Jetblue.
Why the fuck would we want to reduce the charges?
All of which is to say, Ms. Botwin, I'm impressed.
I'm impressed by your dedication to turning your life around.
I've -- I've worked really hard. I have.
Stop here.
Silas was never involved in Pouncy House,
not even a little.
His mother just wanted the competition gone,
and you did that for her.
Well, nothing's written in stone yet,
but, um, you might want to start shopping for a toddler bed.
Oh, my God.
Congratulations, Nancy.
Thanks.
Thank you.
So, this apartment would just be for you and your son?
Yes.
How old is he?
He's 4.
Your attention, please...
Ohh. I have, like, five white wines and they cut me off.
Let it go, Jill.
I'm glad you called.
Mwah!
You are doing the right thing, by the way.
Driver, why aren't we going?
I have not been back to New York City in so long.
Oh, I cannot wait to take a walk through Central Park.
Or maybe I'll get one of those buggy rides.
Oh, those poor horses.
They make them wear those blinders.
Driver.
Does he even speak English?