1 00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:12,138 Selina: You know how much I love the size of yourjet. 2 00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:15,183 And oh, my god, what? What is this weather? 3 00:00:15,266 --> 00:00:18,853 Why doesn't everybodyjust go to St. Bart's? I miss it already. It was so romantic. 4 00:00:18,936 --> 00:00:20,688 - Just the two of us. - Mmm. 5 00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:23,774 - And Gary. - Gary: So passionate. 6 00:00:24,025 --> 00:00:27,403 It's just what I needed, you know? That ocean air and the crystal blue water. 7 00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,298 Mmm-hmm. Oh, and not to mention the topless beach. 8 00:00:29,322 --> 00:00:30,674 I didn't see anything. 9 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:31,884 Selina: Next time, lwanna stay longer. 10 00:00:31,908 --> 00:00:34,035 Marjorie: Hello, ma'am. Selina: Hello, Marjorie. 11 00:00:34,118 --> 00:00:36,438 Oh, I'm sorry to be so hysterical, but we have a situation. 12 00:00:36,579 --> 00:00:38,265 - What are you talking about? - Catherine's on bed rest. 13 00:00:38,289 --> 00:00:40,249 She's been diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. 14 00:00:40,333 --> 00:00:42,933 Well, why should her cervix be any different than the rest of her? 15 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,462 Hi, mom. Hi, jaffar. 16 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,964 Ma'am, before you even ask, we have taken a break from sex. 17 00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:48,841 Specifically penetrative sex. 18 00:00:48,925 --> 00:00:50,551 - She has a penis? - I don't know. 19 00:00:50,635 --> 00:00:52,178 Honey, what are you doing here? 20 00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:53,341 Well, yeah, I'm on bed rest 21 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:56,015 so that the stitches don't get ripped out of my cervix. 22 00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,308 Oh, my gosh. 23 00:00:57,475 --> 00:01:00,394 Well, this isn't bed rest, this is couch rest. 24 00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:03,147 Did you put a towel or anything underneath her? 25 00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:05,566 Because, girls, this is imported French linen. 26 00:01:05,650 --> 00:01:07,068 Maybe a waterproof tarp. 27 00:01:07,151 --> 00:01:09,946 Yes, actually, or even a garbage bag, you know, in case she leaks. 28 00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:12,198 Special delivery! Advance copies. 29 00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:14,843 - Really? My book, my book, my book. - Mike: Fresh off the presses. 30 00:01:14,867 --> 00:01:17,161 - Finally getting paid. - Well, we'll see. 31 00:01:17,328 --> 00:01:18,955 - No! - Yeah. 32 00:01:19,038 --> 00:01:20,998 - Look how pretty. - Oh, the prettiest. 33 00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:22,917 - "A woman first: First woman." - Yeah. 34 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,312 You could get murdered in my country for saying something like that. 35 00:01:25,336 --> 00:01:26,816 - It's a bit of a pun. - No, it's not. 36 00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:28,381 There's a typo on the first page. 37 00:01:28,464 --> 00:01:29,840 - What? - The first sentence. 38 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:32,009 "From the moment I entered the-the white house." 39 00:01:32,093 --> 00:01:33,612 - Is that a pun? - Selina: Well, that's on you, Amy... 40 00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:34,905 Because you were in charge of the book. 41 00:01:34,929 --> 00:01:37,129 - Amy: That's copyediting. - Congratulations again, Amy. 42 00:01:37,390 --> 00:01:38,951 Richard. So glad to see you. I missed you. 43 00:01:38,975 --> 00:01:40,101 Ah, welcome back, ma'am. 44 00:01:40,184 --> 00:01:42,019 Uh, also, ambassador, ahlan wa sahlan. 45 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:45,940 Now that's a pun. 46 00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:48,943 Ma'am, you are confirmed for tomorrow night for the tonight show 47 00:01:49,026 --> 00:01:50,426 - to kick off the book tour. - Yeah. 48 00:01:50,486 --> 00:01:52,405 Which, again, is tomorrow night, not tonight, 49 00:01:52,488 --> 00:01:53,840 - despite the title. - Selina: Okay. 50 00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,509 And you're doing the today show one week from yesterday. 51 00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:56,973 Wow, that smells good. What is that? 52 00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:58,911 It's Catherine's uterine tea. 53 00:01:58,995 --> 00:02:02,832 Yeah, it's a broth of red raspberry leaf, black haw and false unicorn root. 54 00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:04,292 I hope that's going in your mouth. 55 00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:07,295 Whatever happened to half a bottle of red wine and three Virginia slims? 56 00:02:07,378 --> 00:02:09,982 Ma'am, the producer of the tonight show thought it would be fun if... 57 00:02:10,006 --> 00:02:11,924 No, you know what? Nothing's fun on that show. 58 00:02:12,008 --> 00:02:13,718 Uh, I need to go and unpack. 59 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,070 - Good night, ma'am. - Amy: Bye, ma'am. 60 00:02:15,094 --> 00:02:18,389 What? I'm not on bed rest. My cervix is as tight as a snare drum. 61 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:19,473 Jaffar: Oh, yes, it is. 62 00:02:19,557 --> 00:02:21,851 I'm not mentioned in this book until page 134. 63 00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:26,814 I once dry-shaved that woman's legs under her desk during a cabinet meeting. 64 00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:29,483 Yeah, I'm not in there till 213, and lwrote the book. 65 00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:32,653 Ooh, page 93, suckers! 66 00:02:32,737 --> 00:02:35,323 "As Gary poured my tea, 67 00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:37,687 "I realized the hostages..." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 68 00:02:37,742 --> 00:02:39,342 - Oh, yes! - Amy: How about you, Richard? 69 00:02:39,410 --> 00:02:41,410 - Did you make the book? - Ah, just the dedication. 70 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,623 - Congressman, I put up all your flyers. - Ooh, hey... 71 00:02:44,707 --> 00:02:47,585 Oh, god damn it, this office sucks my nard. 72 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,713 A punishment from congressman furlong and the speaker and the president. 73 00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:52,882 An astonishing bipartisan agreement. 74 00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:55,843 - Some interesting reading arrived. - No such thing. 75 00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:58,179 Well, president meyer's book. Take a look. 76 00:02:58,554 --> 00:02:59,994 All right, let's see if I'm in here. 77 00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:02,933 - Jordan, jobs... - Try Ryan. 78 00:03:03,017 --> 00:03:06,479 I know, Kent. I was looking upjobs because they're important to the American people. 79 00:03:06,562 --> 00:03:11,400 - R-y-a... - I know how to spell my last name, Kent. 80 00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:14,111 Are you fucking kidding? I'm not in here. 81 00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:17,636 I ruined her administration, like, four times. You'd think that'd count for something. 82 00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:20,076 - Are you in here? - Twelve mentions. Adequate. 83 00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:21,952 Jonah, I just saw the latest polls. 84 00:03:22,078 --> 00:03:24,663 The shutdown really hurt you in Massachusetts's anus. 85 00:03:24,747 --> 00:03:26,457 Aka New Hampshire. 86 00:03:26,582 --> 00:03:29,877 You're only up by five points in your re-election against selectman di vicentis 87 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,271 when you should be up by 20 points. 88 00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:33,214 Whoa, I'm only up five on skeevy deevy? 89 00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:36,217 I went to summer camp with that dude and he was too afraid to get changed 90 00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:37,361 in front of the other boys. 91 00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:38,469 I thought that was you. 92 00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:41,101 - No, I'm pretty sure it was him. - It was you. 93 00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:43,116 How do you know, Kent? Were you at that summer camp? 94 00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,226 - Sherman: Ah, there he is. - Oh, hello, sir. God! 95 00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:47,228 Jonah, my boy, I've come to say farewell. 96 00:03:47,311 --> 00:03:48,979 I'm pulling all my financial support. 97 00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:51,232 The pacs, the re-election committees, everything. 98 00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:54,193 I suppose I should've hired some goons to kick the shit out of you, 99 00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:56,153 - but you're dating my daughter, so... - Dad. 100 00:03:56,237 --> 00:03:57,464 But, sir, I know I've had some setbacks... 101 00:03:57,488 --> 00:03:58,548 Sherman: No, no, don't take it so hard! 102 00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,408 Come on, shawnee, let's boogie. 103 00:04:00,491 --> 00:04:03,869 No, you don't tell me what to do. I'm not one of your precious inmates. 104 00:04:03,953 --> 00:04:05,746 - I'm staying with Jonah. - You are? 105 00:04:05,830 --> 00:04:08,249 - Are you pregnant? - No, I'm not pregnant. 106 00:04:08,332 --> 00:04:11,001 - Oh, thank god. - I thought we'd wait till we bought a house. 107 00:04:11,502 --> 00:04:14,338 - If you stay with him, you're cutoff. - Okay. 108 00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:17,216 If you change your mind before dinner, we're having Peking gourmet. 109 00:04:17,299 --> 00:04:19,927 I'm not coming, but order me some slippery shrimp just in case. 110 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,055 Babe, did you give up your inheritance for me? 111 00:04:23,139 --> 00:04:25,933 Are you out of your fucking mind? I still have my trust. 112 00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,935 - Oh, money. - We're moving the wedding up. 113 00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:30,396 Just as soon as you finish your conversion. 114 00:04:31,063 --> 00:04:32,273 Maze! Tov. 115 00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:35,776 Oh, thanks, Kent. God... motherfucker! 116 00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:38,070 Okay, I'm gonna get you a bike helmet. 117 00:04:38,154 --> 00:04:40,823 I don't need a bike helmet! 118 00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:43,117 God damn it! Ow! 119 00:04:43,242 --> 00:04:44,285 As you may have heard, 120 00:04:45,161 --> 00:04:48,414 today marks my departure from the CBS morning show with Dan egan. 121 00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:52,376 But you'll still be able to find me weekly on our CBS digital platforms. 122 00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:53,878 - Podcast. - What? 123 00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:57,011 Well, most importantly, I hope that you've cherished our time together. 124 00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,382 I'm sorry, Danny. 125 00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:00,968 - Stevie says we've gotta wrap it up. - Brie: Yeah. 126 00:05:02,553 --> 00:05:04,805 Okay, well, then to brie. 127 00:05:04,889 --> 00:05:08,225 Thank you, brie, you know, for everything that we've shared, 128 00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:11,645 - both on and off camera. - Oh. 129 00:05:11,729 --> 00:05:14,940 And to Jane. Incredible. Absolutely incredible. 130 00:05:15,024 --> 00:05:17,651 I mean, you've been with this network for how many decades now? 131 00:05:17,735 --> 00:05:22,323 I mean, Jane, I will always remember Jane covering the moon landing. 132 00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:24,206 I mean, I studied that footage. 133 00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,802 - That beautiful black and white stuff. - Before me. 134 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,536 - It was just... - Danny boy. 135 00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:30,998 - Regardless, Jane, you are historic. - Thank you. 136 00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:36,545 Be sure to join us starting tomorrow for CBS this morning with Jane and brie. 137 00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:38,589 Girl power. 138 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,509 We'll see you in the tomorrow. 139 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,346 And we're clear. Greatjob, everybody. Good job, Jane. 140 00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:47,014 Okay, well, what do you say 141 00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:49,558 we let bygones be bygones and have some goodbye cake? 142 00:05:49,642 --> 00:05:51,101 I told them you didn't want cake. 143 00:05:51,185 --> 00:05:53,646 Selina: Oh, my god, I love this! 144 00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:56,690 They started demo at mee-maw's for the birthplace and library, 145 00:05:56,774 --> 00:05:58,526 and the contractor sent me this video link. 146 00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:00,945 Look at this. I could watch this all day. 147 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,196 - What? - Selina: Nothing. 148 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:05,157 Catherine, I can't repeat myself every five seconds for your amusement. 149 00:06:05,241 --> 00:06:07,701 - Isn't that good? - Gary: Ooh, tonight show dresses. 150 00:06:07,785 --> 00:06:10,371 - Look how pretty. - You think it's too low-cut? 151 00:06:10,788 --> 00:06:11,830 - Yeah. - Yeah. 152 00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:14,250 Ma'am, I'm leaving. Take good care of Catherine. 153 00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:16,144 - Who is she talking to? - I don't know. 154 00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:17,419 - Ma'am. - Selina: Yeah? 155 00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:21,507 The Washington post is running an expose on your term in office. 156 00:06:23,634 --> 00:06:26,720 - Is it bad? - Can I have a drink? I feel a little dehydrated. 157 00:06:26,804 --> 00:06:30,891 It's kind of like the wave in the perfect storm, except in this case, 158 00:06:30,975 --> 00:06:35,145 the wave is made out of shit and our boat is also made out of shit. 159 00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:38,566 - It's Leon west. - Fuck. 160 00:06:38,649 --> 00:06:39,775 What does it say? 161 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:43,779 "Ignoring the advice of experienced staffers, meyer instead sought the counsel 162 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:47,408 "of a high school drop-out, her personal trainer and lover, ray whelans." 163 00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:50,578 He had a ged, guys. Oh, my god. 164 00:06:50,828 --> 00:06:52,514 They're talking about my eye job? 165 00:06:52,538 --> 00:06:53,831 Chinese cover-up over the tweet. 166 00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:58,502 This isn't an article, this is a gang bang on a pinball machine! 167 00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:00,629 Who despises me like this? 168 00:07:00,713 --> 00:07:02,965 Well, there's president montez, Tom James, Danny chung... 169 00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:04,592 The white house maids, the steward. 170 00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:06,051 White working class voters. 171 00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:09,263 - Nobody. Everybody loves you. - Shut up! 172 00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:11,223 Can somebody carry me to the bathroom? 173 00:07:11,307 --> 00:07:14,351 Ma'am, there's a remote possibility. 174 00:07:14,435 --> 00:07:17,104 Awhile back, I, uh, was working on this humor column... 175 00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:19,857 - Leon west has Mike's diary. - Amy, you promised! 176 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:23,360 What? What, Mike? 177 00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:27,615 What have you and your 47 tangled chromosomes done? 178 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,241 I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ma'am. 179 00:07:29,325 --> 00:07:31,261 I should've gotten a diary with a little lock on it, 180 00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:32,786 but I didn't wanna lock myself out. 181 00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:34,973 - How long have you known about this? - Amy: Since Alabama. 182 00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:37,041 But to be fair, we thought we were on top of it. 183 00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,351 - We did, ma'am. - Selina: Oh, really? 184 00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:41,295 Well, now, it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out, 185 00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,631 and it's making sweet love to your face! 186 00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,258 We don't know my diary is the source. 187 00:07:46,342 --> 00:07:48,320 - Well, there's scans of it on the wapo website. - Amy: Oh, god. 188 00:07:48,344 --> 00:07:49,345 It's crystal clear. 189 00:07:49,428 --> 00:07:52,681 God, get out of here, you great walrus Judas! 190 00:07:52,765 --> 00:07:54,200 - I'm gone, I'm gone. - Selina: Okay, Amy. 191 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:57,436 You have to call my lawyer right now, my lawyers, the whole firm. 192 00:07:57,561 --> 00:07:59,271 All right, we have to call Leon, too. 193 00:07:59,355 --> 00:08:01,690 And, Mike! Where the fuck do you think you're going? 194 00:08:01,774 --> 00:08:03,209 You need to get in touch with Leon right now. 195 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,211 - Yes, ma'am. - Amy: Ma'am, do you need to sit down? 196 00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:08,781 I just feel a little woozy, okay? I've got stomach cramps. 197 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,240 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 198 00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:13,077 What are you drinking? This is Catherine's tea for her underparts. 199 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,579 - Catherine: What? - It's the tea for your underparts! 200 00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:19,416 - Oh, my god. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 201 00:08:22,044 --> 00:08:24,088 - What time's the tonight show? - Call time's 3:30. 202 00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,465 I'm fine. It's okay. I'm fine. 203 00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:33,555 Oh, damn. What's up, white boys? Yo, you guys ready to drop that rock? 204 00:08:33,639 --> 00:08:36,242 - Gellardi, hit me, I'm open. - What are you doing here, congressman? 205 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:38,787 I started up a basketball league to endear myself to you assholes. 206 00:08:38,811 --> 00:08:40,789 We have a league. We play here every Tuesday night. 207 00:08:40,813 --> 00:08:42,415 You guys can join my league. How about that? 208 00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:45,150 - We don't want to. - I don't give a fuck what you want! 209 00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:47,861 I have your ball, so you have to join my league. 210 00:08:47,945 --> 00:08:49,988 I get first pick. And I pick graves. 211 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,157 Oh, really? Why are you picking me? 212 00:08:53,325 --> 00:08:54,451 Because you're so tall. 213 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,205 Oh, god, who the fuck invited dikembe mutomtard? 214 00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:00,642 A little word of advice, congressman, don't wear the shorts. 215 00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:02,876 Even Kobe Bryant wouldn't rape you in those things. 216 00:09:03,919 --> 00:09:06,797 Oh! Lookie here, we got old Jesus with a camel toe 217 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:10,050 and his child molester goggles and the headband, of course, 218 00:09:10,134 --> 00:09:11,736 'cause you don't want the sweat getting in your eyes 219 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,360 when you're choking them out aftennards. 220 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,806 - Congressman Ryan took our ball. - Oh, shut up, narc. 221 00:09:15,973 --> 00:09:17,349 You shut up! 222 00:09:17,433 --> 00:09:19,810 All right, will, take the ball and tell 'em why. 223 00:09:19,935 --> 00:09:22,396 Balls are the only thing keeping me from choking on cocks. 224 00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:25,983 Without balls, I'd be swallowing dicks whole just like Joey Chestnut. 225 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,794 I'm sorry, Jonah, but, uh, I'm gonna... 226 00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:31,280 Ah! Foul. Foul. 227 00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:34,742 Doctor says I gotta play 20 minutes every day, so get the fuck off our court. 228 00:09:34,825 --> 00:09:36,744 - Ball in. - Kent: Let's go, congressman. 229 00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:39,455 - Wanna play a game of horse? - Yes, I would like that very much. 230 00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:45,002 - Boom goes the dynamite. - You're fired. 231 00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:46,837 Yes! 232 00:09:49,548 --> 00:09:52,259 Amy: Ma'am, the tonight show is ripshit because you canceled. 233 00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:55,429 I just got a lecture from a 22-year-old piss twat 234 00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:56,847 with a suny binghamton degree 235 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,658 who says that she thinks that you chickened out 236 00:09:58,682 --> 00:09:59,802 because of the post article. 237 00:09:59,850 --> 00:10:01,935 Just call her back and rebook the whole thing. 238 00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:03,228 - No, you have... - Okay, look. 239 00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:04,539 This is all about damage control, Amy. 240 00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:09,902 My presidency just got caught with a tranny hooker on sunset boulevard, 241 00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:14,323 and I have to make america think that I was just giving her a ride home. 242 00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:15,967 - Right? Right. - Mike: Very smart, ma'am. 243 00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:18,702 Actually, I did write a zinger for the tonight show about ray. 244 00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:20,370 "In sleeping with my trainer, 245 00:10:20,454 --> 00:10:24,166 "I think you could say I did not exercise good judgment." 246 00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:27,294 I am not gonna say thatjoke to Johnny. 247 00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:28,921 - I mean... - Uh, ma'am, Johnny... 248 00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:31,882 Ma'am, Leon west is here for your double secret meeting. 249 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,467 Okay, you know what? 250 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:36,136 - Let's make him wait. - Okay. 251 00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:38,972 And maybe give him some of that lesbian cooze potion. 252 00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:40,784 Okay, I think all we have is diet coke in the fridge. 253 00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:43,227 Okay, they should not be allowed to call that stuff tea. 254 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,520 That's what I think. 255 00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:46,331 You know what I think? 256 00:10:46,355 --> 00:10:49,566 You sound like the world's gayest am radio show. 257 00:10:49,942 --> 00:10:53,403 Now, guys, what is our move with Leon? 258 00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:55,614 - Well, he really likes Amy. - Amy who? 259 00:10:56,532 --> 00:10:59,159 - Ew. No! - She's all over his diary. 260 00:10:59,243 --> 00:11:00,553 - She's in every page. - You're kidding me. 261 00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:01,763 - Mike: He's obsessed with you, Amy. - No. 262 00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:03,497 Amy, Amy. 263 00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:04,998 Come on, nobody's asking you 264 00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:08,168 to engage in some sort of human pleasurable activity. 265 00:11:08,252 --> 00:11:10,337 I know that's not your bag, okay? 266 00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:13,090 But perhaps maybe you could flirt a little with him. 267 00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:15,775 I don't know if that's something that you're actually able to do. 268 00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:19,847 Yes, of course, I can be very flirtatious. 269 00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:21,265 - Nope. - Richard: Ma'am. 270 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,243 Leon west says he knows you're just making him wait. 271 00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:24,601 Okay, just send him in. 272 00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,687 One of these days, she's gonna make that face 273 00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:29,207 and that eyeball of hers is gonna pop out and shoot across the room. 274 00:11:29,231 --> 00:11:30,649 - Yeah. Boing! - I know it. 275 00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:32,442 - Leon west, ma'am. - Selina: Ah, Leon! 276 00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:34,945 Woodward minus Bernstein plus Propecia. 277 00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:37,823 - Ooh. - This entire conversation is off the record. 278 00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:42,286 You are going to retract every word this very nanosecond. 279 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,537 Othennise, I'm gonna sue you. 280 00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,330 I'm curious, you're gonna sue us for what? 281 00:11:45,414 --> 00:11:47,875 Because this is public interest and fair use. 282 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,960 Oh, I'd love to know how my eye job... 283 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,295 Gary: Which never happened. 284 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,648 Which never happened, by the way, is in the public interest. 285 00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:57,718 Now, I've got you on the hook for defamation, libel, 286 00:11:57,801 --> 00:12:01,555 and, if I remember my law school tort professor correctly, 287 00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,974 and I do, 'cause I slept with him for two years... 288 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,476 - Still off the record. - Invasion of privacy. 289 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:07,561 I mean, you can go ahead. 290 00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:11,356 We're the Washington post and we have been sued by better terrible presidents than you. 291 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:12,834 - Name one. - Okay, you know what I want? 292 00:12:12,858 --> 00:12:15,235 - I want this room, okay? Everybody out. - Yes, ma'am. 293 00:12:16,153 --> 00:12:18,363 - Are there any nibbles on that Dave Barry... - Mike! 294 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,158 - Get! - Shh. 295 00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:25,329 What do you want? 296 00:12:26,747 --> 00:12:30,417 I think the pulitzer I'm going to get from this is good enough for me, 297 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:31,543 so good evening. 298 00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:32,711 You can have Amy. 299 00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:34,963 Wait, I don't understand. 300 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,382 You can have her. 301 00:12:40,552 --> 00:12:43,388 Probably better from behind, though, you know... 302 00:12:48,226 --> 00:12:49,686 Good evening. 303 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:51,813 Yeah, I don't blame you. 304 00:12:53,565 --> 00:12:55,317 Can you stop blowing on my legs like that? 305 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,736 - I'm drying the glowtion. - Don't use the word "glowtion." 306 00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:00,155 - Ma'am. - Selina: What is it? Oh, my god, Amy... 307 00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:02,616 You are making that terrible, terrible news face. 308 00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:05,619 You're gonna throw your neck out, you know? What is it? Is it Leon west? 309 00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:07,412 Is it a second diary dump? 310 00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:10,582 Oh, it is beyond a dump. It is a toxic infant blowout 311 00:13:10,666 --> 00:13:13,585 out both diaper legs and up the back of the onesie. 312 00:13:13,669 --> 00:13:16,022 Did they mention the antique egg that we stole from the oval? 313 00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:19,883 - You stole it. - It's got the terrorist drone assassination. 314 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,861 - Richard: Well, that sounds bad. - The dra guy? 315 00:13:21,885 --> 00:13:23,428 Yeah, and the Chinese. 316 00:13:23,512 --> 00:13:25,389 It's got the soldier whose leg you lost. 317 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:26,890 Oh, my god, the lost leg. 318 00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:29,559 Surrounded by Mike's poorly drawn doodles of legs. 319 00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:31,079 - I'm sorry, Mike. - It looks like arms. 320 00:13:31,103 --> 00:13:34,314 I'm better at arms. You should see the page where I wrote about the arms dealer. 321 00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:37,317 Oh, my god! The Georgian election is here. 322 00:13:37,401 --> 00:13:39,281 - And all of that stuff about murman? - Mmm-hmm. 323 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:42,572 Why do you work for me, you stupid mustache? 324 00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:45,696 We were telling so many lies, I had to write them down to keep them straight. 325 00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:47,387 Any decent lawyer would've told me to do that. 326 00:13:47,411 --> 00:13:50,956 - Ma'am, they've got the data breach. - No. 327 00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:53,041 They know that you 100% knew 328 00:13:53,125 --> 00:13:56,336 about the mining of those dead kids' social security and medical data. 329 00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:57,921 I don't have a zinger for that one. 330 00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:01,758 - Well, I could go to jail for that. - Gary: No. 331 00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:04,112 Well, I can't do the show. You guys have to get me out of here. 332 00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:07,639 Madam president, we are all so honored to have you on the show. 333 00:14:07,723 --> 00:14:10,743 I'm Bethany, and I'm gonna go over a few rules of "what's in the bag" with you. 334 00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,853 Okay, look, Tiffany, I am so happy to be here, 335 00:14:12,936 --> 00:14:15,498 but unfortunately, I've just gotten this emergency call from my... 336 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:16,749 - Gary: Pregnant daughter. - Pregnant daughter. 337 00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:19,085 - The baby is in distress. - And her baby is in such distress. 338 00:14:19,109 --> 00:14:20,336 Richard: Oh, my goodness. Is my baby okay? 339 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,520 - Come on, guys, we gotta go! - She's gonna love these. 340 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,948 By the way, what is in the bag? 341 00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:27,034 It's a copy of the president's book. 342 00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:28,285 That's good. 343 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,495 Bill: I was a patsy, but to my knowledge, 344 00:14:30,579 --> 00:14:31,931 this is just the tip of the iceberg. 345 00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:35,208 These revelations will continue to come out in a steady drip, drip, drip... 346 00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:36,292 Balls. 347 00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:38,795 Like the leaky prison faucet I was forced to drink from. 348 00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:40,380 Good evening, ma'am. 349 00:14:40,464 --> 00:14:42,883 - Finally got Catherine down. - I could never get her down. 350 00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:45,427 She was always so scared about monsters everywhere, 351 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:48,930 you know, under her bed and behind the curtain and in the closet. 352 00:14:49,598 --> 00:14:52,267 Although, actually, one time, Andrew did hide one of his women 353 00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:55,771 in the closet, so she had reason to be somewhat alarmed. 354 00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:57,397 Why don't ijoin you in that nightcap? 355 00:14:58,065 --> 00:14:59,775 - Uh, Gary? - I think I heard him leave. 356 00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:01,109 What? Oh, right. 357 00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:03,943 Uh, I don't think that there are any clean glasses. 358 00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:05,864 - There's one here. - Uh-huh. Okay. 359 00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:10,803 You know, ma'am, something I've always wanted to tell you. 360 00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,555 You know what I love most about your daughter? 361 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,082 Uh, what's going on with the foundation? 362 00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:18,043 You know, I was thinking that I might wanna become more involved. 363 00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:21,713 I could really use the cleansing power of a charity right now. 364 00:15:21,797 --> 00:15:24,400 Well, it's been quite a year for the meyer fund for adult literacy, 365 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:27,552 aids, the advancement of global democracy, military family assistance, 366 00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:29,930 and childhood obesity. Aids in particular has had... 367 00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,491 Wait, wait, hang on a second. What is that? 368 00:15:31,515 --> 00:15:33,201 You just, what was the thing that you just said? 369 00:15:33,225 --> 00:15:36,144 Childhood obesity. You sent me an email about it last month at 4:00 am. 370 00:15:36,228 --> 00:15:38,308 I forgot. I was looking at Catherine's baby pictures. 371 00:15:38,355 --> 00:15:41,316 You know, I have to admit I was skeptical about it at first, 372 00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:42,999 but the more I learned about those kids, 373 00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:46,238 I started to see that the problems are not just physical problems... 374 00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:47,322 Selina: Yeah. Mmm-hmm. 375 00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:49,825 That come with obesity, the cancer, the diabetes. 376 00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:53,495 But also the emotional and psychological problems, the body dysmorphia... 377 00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:55,413 Yeah. Hey, jaffar, it's me. 378 00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:57,499 Marjorie: So we started an exciting new program... 379 00:15:57,582 --> 00:15:59,042 Can you come and get me? 380 00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:02,587 - We get the kids out 10 minutes a day. - Yeah, in 10 minutes would be good. 381 00:16:02,838 --> 00:16:04,023 - Marjorie: It is good. It is. - Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. 382 00:16:04,047 --> 00:16:06,174 It's a perfect amount of time for a lot of these kids. 383 00:16:06,258 --> 00:16:07,738 - Selina: Thank you. - You're welcome. 384 00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:10,512 From the moment I have left office, it has been nothing 385 00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:13,890 but a giant slalom down mount mcrimjob, brown diamond. 386 00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:16,244 I know, but, look, in my mind, you have nothing to be ashamed of. 387 00:16:16,268 --> 00:16:19,771 You know, my uncle, he poisoned an entire village with sarin gas. 388 00:16:19,855 --> 00:16:22,375 - That is worse. Thank you very much for that. - Yeah, you're welcome. 389 00:16:22,399 --> 00:16:24,985 I just wish we could leave this country forever. 390 00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:27,320 Why don't we then? 391 00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:28,864 I mean, you've got nothing here. 392 00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:30,842 - I've got Catherine, but, I mean... - Let's just go. 393 00:16:30,866 --> 00:16:33,994 I've got a plane that's fully fueled always and ready to go at any moment. 394 00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:36,079 Why? Why is your plane always fueled? 395 00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,081 Well, you know, in case... 396 00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:42,377 Let's just say that I've got some cousins who sometimes get very angry 397 00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:45,380 at some of your tall buildings. 398 00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:48,016 Selina: Oh, god, you're making a joke, right? 399 00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:49,467 - Jaffar: Yes. Yes. - Yeah. 400 00:16:49,885 --> 00:16:53,054 Dipshit Mike and his shit-dip diary. 401 00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:57,017 "Amy committed perjury today," written in crayon and mustard stains. 402 00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:58,268 Dan: You gonna hire a lawyer? 403 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,478 Ben: No, I'm thinking of, uh, pleading guilty. 404 00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:03,166 I wouldn't mind a little time in prison, get away from my wife, 405 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:04,691 spend time with guys who get it. 406 00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:06,318 Yeah, learn a trade. Sure. 407 00:17:06,401 --> 00:17:10,739 All right, I gotta get up early, yammer my case to the morning TV yabbos. 408 00:17:10,822 --> 00:17:13,366 - No offense. - Hey, none taken. Former yabbo. 409 00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:14,826 - Ben: Bye, kids. - What about you? 410 00:17:14,910 --> 00:17:17,329 What's next for the great Dan egan? Anyjob leads? 411 00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:18,681 I thought about teaching high school, 412 00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,766 but, I mean, girls these days just can't keep a secret. 413 00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,643 - You see Jane's up to her old tricks? - Mmm-mmm. 414 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:25,146 Yeah, she's telling page six that she and brie are clam slamming. 415 00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,297 Vaginas are so gross. 416 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:28,798 I wish I didn't have one. 417 00:17:29,341 --> 00:17:31,384 - Sometimes I forget I do. - Yeah, yeah, we all do. 418 00:17:32,135 --> 00:17:33,261 You want one more of these? 419 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:36,806 I gotta get up in the morning, early, 'cause selina's... 420 00:17:37,682 --> 00:17:39,893 - Yeah, make it a double. - Atta girl. 421 00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:42,604 Jaffar: So, we will go to Paris first. Selina: Goody. 422 00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:43,873 Jaffar: We'll figure out where we wanna go next. 423 00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:46,209 Hey, listen, can you call somebody to bring me some fresh towels? 424 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:49,027 - More towels? How many towels are you... - Yes, I need them. 425 00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:51,071 Breaking news from the Washington post. 426 00:17:51,154 --> 00:17:54,741 Buried among many new scandalous acts from the meyer presidency... 427 00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:55,825 Oh, no. 428 00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:58,870 Comes the revelation that it was president selina meyer 429 00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:01,581 and not president Laura montez 430 00:18:01,665 --> 00:18:05,043 who negotiated with the Chinese president to free Tibet. 431 00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,419 - Jaffar! - Sources close to... 432 00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:09,172 - What is the matter? What's going on? - No, no, look! They know! 433 00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:11,925 - They finally know it's me! - Oh, my gosh! 434 00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:13,218 Yeah! 435 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,596 Well, the history books are being rewritten, 436 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:20,725 and this time, it's not Texas saying Satan made fossils. 437 00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:22,769 Yes, he did. 438 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,012 Amy: Ma'am, it is everywhere. 439 00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:26,856 This is the best day we've had since I started working for you. 440 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:28,626 I guess it was actually good I lost the diary. 441 00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:31,903 Ma'am, we're getting requests for confirmation from all the big Tibetan papers, 442 00:18:31,987 --> 00:18:33,381 except for the Lhasa express though. 443 00:18:33,405 --> 00:18:35,174 - They're playing their usual games. - Well, whatever. 444 00:18:35,198 --> 00:18:38,118 This is amazing. Nobody is talking about any of the other stuff. 445 00:18:38,201 --> 00:18:41,997 God bless the media and their "fly hitting a windshield" attention span. 446 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,331 Mike: I know! 447 00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:45,500 Oh, Leon west is on CBS this morning right now. 448 00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:47,270 Selina: Oh, my god, put it on really quick. 449 00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:49,963 Even you would admit that freeing Tibet 450 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:52,590 from Chinese rule is a monumental achievement. 451 00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:54,394 - Yes, it was. - Leon: No, that was a fluke. 452 00:18:54,426 --> 00:18:57,345 That was a success despite an almost pathological level... 453 00:18:57,429 --> 00:18:59,639 Jane: President meyer's discretion speaks well of her. 454 00:18:59,723 --> 00:19:00,849 Yeah. 455 00:19:00,932 --> 00:19:02,809 Take that cum shot in all four eyes, Leon. 456 00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:04,644 You should've taken Amy and walked away. 457 00:19:04,728 --> 00:19:05,770 - Hmm? - Selina: Nothing. 458 00:19:05,854 --> 00:19:08,189 If she were a man, you would call that confidence. 459 00:19:08,273 --> 00:19:10,984 Yeah, tell it, sister. Kick him in the cunt. 460 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:13,069 I adore Jane McCabe. 461 00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:16,239 A heroine for our times. 462 00:19:16,406 --> 00:19:18,158 Montez is not gonna be happy. 463 00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:20,344 It's gonna put a real turd in her chalupa. 464 00:19:20,368 --> 00:19:22,888 - Oh, we should get Mexican for lunch. - Richard: President meyer's office. 465 00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:24,998 - Yale university president's office? - Oh. 466 00:19:25,081 --> 00:19:27,334 Okay, uh, and she knows what this is regarding, Yale? 467 00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:28,626 Give me that. I'm talking. 468 00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:30,712 Hello, this is president meyer. 469 00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:33,590 Jim! How are you? 470 00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:39,137 Oh. Absolutely. Well, have your office, uh, get in touch with my office. 471 00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:40,972 We're very interested in discussing that. 472 00:19:41,264 --> 00:19:44,309 You, too. Bye-bye. 473 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:45,392 Amy: Well? 474 00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,020 Guess who is interested, 475 00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:49,981 all of a sudden, in the selina meyer presidential library. 476 00:19:50,065 --> 00:19:51,483 - Andrew. - Selina: What? 477 00:19:51,566 --> 00:19:53,151 - Your ex. - No. Yale! 478 00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:54,354 I thought you went to Smith. 479 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:56,863 Oh, no, it's in the book that you wrote. 480 00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:58,573 Right, right, right, right. 481 00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:00,468 Oh, my god, I'm gonna get upset! 482 00:20:00,492 --> 00:20:02,619 You just started tearing down mee-maw's house. 483 00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:05,139 - Well, that's Catherine's problem. - Amy: Okay. 484 00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:07,916 Hey, Kent, free at last, free at last. 485 00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:09,834 I've been fired three times in my life. 486 00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:12,921 From the us postal service office of investigations, 487 00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:15,882 by the Seattle seahawks, and by Jonah Ryan. 488 00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:17,425 I cried each time. 489 00:20:17,509 --> 00:20:19,429 - This time, it was tears of joy. - Good for you. 490 00:20:19,511 --> 00:20:22,889 Well, good timing because we're in print as genius operators. 491 00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:25,785 You know, this could be an opportunity. I might get my teeth re-whitened. 492 00:20:25,809 --> 00:20:28,329 Maybe we could start a new business, take our shit show on the road. 493 00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:31,564 Yeah, easier than explaining yards after the catch to Steve largent. 494 00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:35,068 If we do this, though, one rule, no mclintock. 495 00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:36,587 Ben: No shit. So, what do you think? 496 00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:38,571 The three meyersketeers hang a shingle? 497 00:20:38,655 --> 00:20:40,448 I am gonna bid you farewell. 498 00:20:40,532 --> 00:20:43,344 Because this face belongs in broadcasting and I start a new gig tomorrow. 499 00:20:43,368 --> 00:20:45,078 - Drinks are on you. Bye. - Ooh. 500 00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:46,204 You'll be sorry. 501 00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:48,373 I thought you were taking the family to Italy. 502 00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:49,874 They're in Italy. 503 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:55,338 Hey, wake up. Can you hear me? There you go. 504 00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:57,465 - Hi. - Am I Jewish? 505 00:20:57,549 --> 00:20:59,634 Your circumcision was a success, Mr. Ryan. 506 00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:03,221 If you notice any swelling, let me know, and no erection for six weeks. 507 00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:05,074 Well, I don't know how I'm not gonna get it hard 508 00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:07,418 when I'm talking about my hog with some hot "shiska" nurse. 509 00:21:07,809 --> 00:21:10,019 I'm your doctor, and it's shiksa. 510 00:21:10,728 --> 00:21:11,896 I'll check on you later. 511 00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:14,232 - I'm pretty sure it's "shiska." - I'm leaving. 512 00:21:14,315 --> 00:21:16,276 - How are you doing? - I don't know. 513 00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:18,445 Babe, so far, being Jewish really sucks. 514 00:21:18,528 --> 00:21:20,697 Will you pass me one of those ice packs, please? 515 00:21:21,823 --> 00:21:23,450 - Here you go, sweetie. - Thank you. 516 00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:25,827 At least your dick won't smell like donkey pussy anymore. 517 00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:28,079 Oh, god, I told you that was expired lube. 518 00:21:28,163 --> 00:21:29,789 Oh, and there's someone here to see you. 519 00:21:30,540 --> 00:21:33,209 - Hello, jonie. - Oh, fuck. Hello, uncle Jeff. 520 00:21:33,668 --> 00:21:35,253 Why do you think I'm here? 521 00:21:35,378 --> 00:21:36,880 To wish me a speedy recovery? 522 00:21:36,963 --> 00:21:41,676 No, wishes belong in the bottom of a well with unwanted girl children. 523 00:21:42,010 --> 00:21:44,137 Actually, I'm here to thank you. 524 00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:47,348 Well, fine, you're welcome for whatever. 525 00:21:47,432 --> 00:21:49,350 For shitting the urinal so badly, 526 00:21:49,434 --> 00:21:52,729 you made the hindenburg look like a normal, on-time blimp landing. 527 00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:54,939 Uncle Jeff, people loved the shutdown... 528 00:21:55,023 --> 00:21:57,192 Shut the fuck up! 529 00:21:57,275 --> 00:21:59,652 You epileptic Picasso painting! 530 00:21:59,736 --> 00:22:01,654 Uh, you can't talk to him like that. 531 00:22:01,738 --> 00:22:04,157 "You can't talk to him like that." 532 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,159 Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger? 533 00:22:06,242 --> 00:22:09,204 Somebody you hired to make sure you don't get erections? 534 00:22:09,287 --> 00:22:11,498 That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée. 535 00:22:11,581 --> 00:22:13,541 - Jonah! - Her name is shawnee tanz... 536 00:22:13,625 --> 00:22:15,960 And you will treat her with respect. 537 00:22:16,085 --> 00:22:17,629 Tanz as in sherman tanz? 538 00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:20,340 - That's right. He's my father. - Oh, royalty. 539 00:22:20,465 --> 00:22:23,384 - Well, I suppose I should say I'm sorry. - Thank you. 540 00:22:23,468 --> 00:22:26,012 Sorry you're even related to that human melted candle 541 00:22:26,095 --> 00:22:28,431 who puts the "Jew" in "why people hate Jews." 542 00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:31,100 Tell me this, did he sell your training bras 543 00:22:31,184 --> 00:22:34,354 as cum rags to the sex offenders in his prisons? 544 00:22:35,188 --> 00:22:37,273 Listen up, Ms. Tranz, as of today, 545 00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:41,611 jonie here is down three points to that wop wonder di vicentis, 546 00:22:41,694 --> 00:22:45,490 so I am pulling this creature from the jizz lagoon 547 00:22:45,573 --> 00:22:48,326 right off the New Hampshire congressional ballot 548 00:22:48,409 --> 00:22:50,703 and replacing him with his cousin, Ezra. 549 00:22:50,787 --> 00:22:52,121 What? What? 550 00:22:52,205 --> 00:22:56,543 Ezra has more raw political talent in the tip of his roseate pecker 551 00:22:56,626 --> 00:22:59,337 than you have in this mangled abortion coat hanger 552 00:22:59,420 --> 00:23:01,965 you should be ashamed to call your body. 553 00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:04,860 The people of New Hampshire are gonna be so grateful to me, 554 00:23:04,884 --> 00:23:08,888 I'm gonna be like a disability check wrapped around a pack of no-filter cigarettes. 555 00:23:08,972 --> 00:23:10,139 See you around, jonie. 556 00:23:10,223 --> 00:23:12,243 Wait, can he really do that? Take your name off the ballot? 557 00:23:12,267 --> 00:23:14,269 Yeah, he owns, like, all these old people. 558 00:23:14,477 --> 00:23:17,480 Jonah, I have been thinking, 559 00:23:17,564 --> 00:23:19,899 you know, I think I wanna slow things down with us. 560 00:23:20,024 --> 00:23:22,785 Okay, yeah, that makes sense. My teachers had to do that all the time. 561 00:23:22,819 --> 00:23:24,487 No, with us. You and me. 562 00:23:25,697 --> 00:23:26,739 What? 563 00:23:31,995 --> 00:23:34,914 - She's dumping you! - Shut the fuck up, uncle Jeff. 564 00:23:34,998 --> 00:23:37,333 - She's not dumping me. - Oh, no, I am. 565 00:23:37,709 --> 00:23:39,627 I've been having doubts for a little while. 566 00:23:41,629 --> 00:23:44,549 Uncle Jeff, shut up! What do you mean, a little while? 567 00:23:44,632 --> 00:23:46,467 What the fuck does that even mean? 568 00:23:46,551 --> 00:23:49,804 Is that before or after I scheduled the surgery to cut my dick off 569 00:23:49,887 --> 00:23:51,139 so you could marry me? 570 00:23:53,016 --> 00:23:54,851 Uncle Jeff, come on! 571 00:23:54,934 --> 00:23:57,478 I'm so glad I came in person and didn't call. 572 00:23:57,562 --> 00:23:59,022 Goodbye, Jonah. 573 00:24:00,023 --> 00:24:01,107 Sorry. 574 00:24:01,733 --> 00:24:03,276 Come on, honey, I'll walk you out. 575 00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:05,004 Oh, that's nice of you. Are you parked in the garage? 576 00:24:05,028 --> 00:24:06,904 - Yeah, I'm just outside. - Oh, that's... 577 00:24:08,531 --> 00:24:09,782 Shawnee... 578 00:24:20,293 --> 00:24:21,794 Okay, come on. 579 00:24:27,091 --> 00:24:28,384 Ow! Nurse! 580 00:24:28,676 --> 00:24:30,970 Leon westjust called for the seventh time. 581 00:24:31,054 --> 00:24:32,221 He says he wants you to... 582 00:24:32,305 --> 00:24:34,557 He wants to gargle my nuts and tickle my taint? 583 00:24:34,641 --> 00:24:35,767 Tell him to get in line. 584 00:24:35,850 --> 00:24:38,203 Oh, ma'am, the publisher said we're getting some book reviews in. 585 00:24:38,227 --> 00:24:40,027 Oh, the Lhasa express gives it five namastes. 586 00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:42,304 - Now, what are you doing? - Gary: Don't worry about it. 587 00:24:42,398 --> 00:24:44,651 - They're ready for you, ma'am. - Gary: That's Bethany. 588 00:24:44,734 --> 00:24:46,569 Okay, thank you, Tiffany. I'm going! 589 00:24:46,653 --> 00:24:48,255 - Amy: Knock 'em dead, ma'am. - You look beautiful, ma'am. 590 00:24:48,279 --> 00:24:49,381 - Thank you. - Amy: Have fun. 591 00:24:49,405 --> 00:24:51,383 How long have you been working for the tonight show? 592 00:24:51,407 --> 00:24:53,326 - About a month. - Richard: Hey, ma'am. 593 00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:57,288 Ma'am, Catherine's in an ambulance. She's having some bad bleeding. 594 00:24:57,372 --> 00:24:59,832 Oh, my god, on the couch? Did they put the garbage bags down? 595 00:24:59,916 --> 00:25:01,542 - I don't know. - Okay, and? 596 00:25:02,001 --> 00:25:04,504 - One of us should go? - Well, what are you standing here for? 597 00:25:04,587 --> 00:25:06,255 - You're the donor. - Or father. 598 00:25:06,673 --> 00:25:08,591 - Do you need to leave? - Where do I stand? 599 00:25:09,050 --> 00:25:11,803 - Oh. Oh. Right there on the Mark. - On the thing? Okay. Thank you. 600 00:25:11,886 --> 00:25:13,566 - Man: Good luck, ma'am. - Hi. How are you? 601 00:25:13,846 --> 00:25:16,808 The first woman to hold the office of the president. 602 00:25:16,891 --> 00:25:19,227 If that's not enough, she's written an autobiography, 603 00:25:19,310 --> 00:25:21,354 a woman first: First woman. 604 00:25:21,437 --> 00:25:24,607 Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome president selina meyer. 605 00:25:24,774 --> 00:25:26,109 - Selina. - Hey! 606 00:25:28,277 --> 00:25:30,113 - Selina: How about that? - Hello. 607 00:25:30,613 --> 00:25:33,199 - Thank you so much for coming. - Thank you. 608 00:25:33,950 --> 00:25:35,618 How about this, a real president. 609 00:25:35,702 --> 00:25:37,286 A real president. 610 00:25:38,621 --> 00:25:40,957 - Driver: Where to? - Uh, 53rd and 3rd, please. 611 00:25:44,919 --> 00:25:48,089 Hi, there. Welcome to CBS this ride. 612 00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:50,453 I'm your host, Dan egan, bringing you exclusive content... 613 00:25:50,508 --> 00:25:53,136 - No, no, no, no. Off. - Right here in New York City yellow cabs. 614 00:25:53,219 --> 00:25:54,863 Sir, how do you... I can't get the screen to go off. 615 00:25:54,887 --> 00:25:55,948 How do you turn this thing off? 616 00:25:55,972 --> 00:25:58,266 Come on, how the fuck do you turn this thing off? 617 00:25:58,349 --> 00:26:00,309 Driver: There's an off... You see the off button? 618 00:26:00,435 --> 00:26:02,437 All right, you know what? You know what? 619 00:26:02,812 --> 00:26:04,230 I wanna get out. Shut the fuck up! 620 00:26:04,313 --> 00:26:06,065 Driver: Sir, can you calm down, please? 621 00:26:06,149 --> 00:26:08,693 If off-off-Broadway is your scene, fringe festival's in town. 622 00:26:09,026 --> 00:26:10,153 God damn it. 623 00:26:10,236 --> 00:26:11,696 Uh, Ben, it's me. 624 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,990 - Driver: Hey, you gonna pay? - I'm in. 625 00:26:14,490 --> 00:26:17,076 - I did wanna clear the air about one thing. - Sure. 626 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,888 Um, earlier this week, you were booked on the show. You had to cancel. 627 00:26:19,912 --> 00:26:21,831 - I did. - Which, to us, is like, you know... 628 00:26:21,914 --> 00:26:23,642 She's the president of the united... Who cares? 629 00:26:23,666 --> 00:26:26,461 We're fine with it. You have so many more important things to do. 630 00:26:26,544 --> 00:26:27,587 Well, thank you. 631 00:26:27,670 --> 00:26:29,314 Than our stupid show that we put together. 632 00:26:29,338 --> 00:26:30,423 No, it's a great show. 633 00:26:30,506 --> 00:26:32,067 - With scotch tape here. - No, I love this show. 634 00:26:32,091 --> 00:26:36,012 And then there was speculation that you did so 635 00:26:36,137 --> 00:26:39,098 because you were embarrassed about some salacious news stories 636 00:26:39,182 --> 00:26:40,725 about your trainer. 637 00:26:40,808 --> 00:26:42,769 Yes, in sleeping with my trainer, 638 00:26:42,852 --> 00:26:45,146 I did not exercise good judgment. 639 00:26:45,396 --> 00:26:47,940 Wow. 640 00:26:50,067 --> 00:26:51,194 Zinger! 641 00:26:51,527 --> 00:26:55,448 Actually, what I really would love to talk about, um, is Tibet. 642 00:26:55,615 --> 00:26:57,760 - Yeah, absolutely, madam president. - The deal that we brokered. 643 00:26:57,784 --> 00:27:01,162 But before that, just in honor of your new book... 644 00:27:01,245 --> 00:27:03,498 - Oh, sure. - A woman first: First woman. 645 00:27:03,581 --> 00:27:05,333 Is that the final title or are you... 646 00:27:05,416 --> 00:27:07,096 Yeah. Oh, yeah, that... mmm-hmm. 647 00:27:07,168 --> 00:27:09,629 - It's a little pun. - Host: It is a pun, kind of. 648 00:27:09,712 --> 00:27:12,381 By the way, this is quite a photo on the cover. 649 00:27:12,465 --> 00:27:13,591 - It's really... - Thank you. 650 00:27:13,674 --> 00:27:17,595 Really nice. Do I need, like, special glasses to be able to see this in focus? 651 00:27:17,678 --> 00:27:19,318 - Selina: No, no! - Or how does this work? 652 00:27:19,806 --> 00:27:22,141 It just came out today, and we thought it would be fun, 653 00:27:22,225 --> 00:27:23,810 in honor of you canceling on us, 654 00:27:23,893 --> 00:27:25,937 to have some children come out here. 655 00:27:26,020 --> 00:27:28,231 They'll read you some of our favorite reviews. 656 00:27:28,356 --> 00:27:29,440 - Oh, neat. - Of your book. 657 00:27:29,607 --> 00:27:33,319 Because as any parent knows, kids read the darnedest things 658 00:27:33,402 --> 00:27:35,047 off of cue cards. That's right. 659 00:27:35,071 --> 00:27:37,674 So, kids, could you come out here, please? 660 00:27:37,698 --> 00:27:39,325 - Oh, so cute. - Okay. Yeah, very cute. 661 00:27:39,408 --> 00:27:43,329 Starting up here, we've got Ella, who is age nine. 662 00:27:43,412 --> 00:27:44,914 The New York times says, 663 00:27:44,997 --> 00:27:49,085 "we've been stunned by the revelations and achievements of the meyer presidency 664 00:27:49,252 --> 00:27:52,296 "over the last few days. Why aren't they in the book?" 665 00:27:53,506 --> 00:27:56,634 That's not a bad question. Next up, Melanie, age eight. 666 00:27:56,884 --> 00:27:58,678 Publisher weekly calls it 667 00:27:58,761 --> 00:28:01,931 "scattered and disjointed, much like the meyer presidency." 668 00:28:03,808 --> 00:28:07,520 - Okay, next up, we got Ruby, age 10. - Wow. 669 00:28:07,728 --> 00:28:09,438 The New York post says, 670 00:28:09,689 --> 00:28:11,023 "remainder city." 671 00:28:12,775 --> 00:28:16,112 Can we play "what's in the bag?" Let's guess what's in the bag. 672 00:28:16,195 --> 00:28:17,923 We played that last night when you weren't here. 673 00:28:17,947 --> 00:28:19,615 - Ah. - We've got Elliot, age 10. 674 00:28:19,740 --> 00:28:21,284 Elliot: The new yorker called it 675 00:28:21,367 --> 00:28:25,621 "a trite, monotonous tune that's as inconsequential as any..."