1 00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:08,092 (Theme music playing) 2 00:00:10,136 --> 00:00:13,181 Selina: Oh, Kentucky fried Christ! 3 00:00:13,264 --> 00:00:16,517 It's like Satan's humidor out here. My god! 4 00:00:16,601 --> 00:00:18,603 Flying 1,000 miles to Alabama. 5 00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:21,314 I mean, is anyone as shocked as I am that I'm doing this? 6 00:00:21,397 --> 00:00:23,500 Well, I'm easily shocked, so probably not the best person to ask. 7 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,610 - Here we are! My boyhood home. - What? 8 00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:26,944 Hey, ma'am, I gotta tell you, 9 00:00:27,028 --> 00:00:28,547 you coming to my birthday is what gave me the strength 10 00:00:28,571 --> 00:00:29,965 - to get through that heart attack. - Oh, you're welcome. 11 00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:31,199 And when I had my relapse. 12 00:00:31,282 --> 00:00:32,426 - You had a relapse? - Amy: Mmm-hmm. 13 00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:34,035 Oh, I thought you were just being lazy. 14 00:00:34,118 --> 00:00:37,079 Hey, Gary, how come your family doesn't have a mongoloid kid on the porch 15 00:00:37,163 --> 00:00:38,164 playing banjo? 16 00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:39,558 - 'Cause he grew up and moved to DC. - (Door opens) 17 00:00:39,582 --> 00:00:40,582 - (Gasps) - (Gasps) 18 00:00:40,625 --> 00:00:43,878 - Mama! - Gary Walsh, you get on up here! 19 00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,721 It's like he's never seen his mother before. 20 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,799 Ma'am, tanz and the other donors are getting really restless 21 00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:50,603 about this lack of progress on the library, 22 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:53,846 so we need to get some new money asap or we have to give back the old money. 23 00:00:53,930 --> 00:00:55,365 - Well, that's a real snatch-22. - Amy: Yeah. 24 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,559 And also, we have another email from jaffar in New York. 25 00:00:58,643 --> 00:00:59,685 "I need to see you." 26 00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:01,729 Just email him back a hard no, 27 00:01:01,812 --> 00:01:04,124 but make it sound kind of sexy, so he knows what he's missing. 28 00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:06,484 (Chuckling) Why am I asking somebody who has sex 29 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,277 one-and-a-half times a year to do that? 30 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:09,570 Hello! 31 00:01:09,654 --> 00:01:12,907 - Oh, you must be Amy. - Yes. Hi, nice to meet you. 32 00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:15,243 And you obviously are Richard. 33 00:01:15,326 --> 00:01:16,606 Oh. 'Cause of the glasses, yeah. 34 00:01:16,661 --> 00:01:18,537 - And, madam president, it's... - Yes. 35 00:01:18,621 --> 00:01:21,207 (Stutters) It's an honor to have you at our humble home. 36 00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:24,752 Well, it is such a treat to be here in lynch city. 37 00:01:24,835 --> 00:01:26,855 - It's white city. We couldn't afford lynch city. - All right. 38 00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:28,589 - Where's judge? - Your dad's a judge? 39 00:01:28,673 --> 00:01:30,383 - Oh, no! (Laughs) No. - No. 40 00:01:30,466 --> 00:01:32,194 Judge isn't back yet from his hunting trip with Stewart. 41 00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:33,886 Stewart? I don't remember Stewart. 42 00:01:33,970 --> 00:01:36,264 - Oh, Stewart's the new Bobby. - Oh. 43 00:01:36,347 --> 00:01:38,808 He's always grooming some new associate in his law firm... 44 00:01:38,891 --> 00:01:39,934 Maybe we can go inside. 45 00:01:40,017 --> 00:01:42,704 - Oh, he takes his boys real, real seriously. - Catherine: Hey, everybody. 46 00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:44,448 - Selina: Hi, honey. - Happy birthday, Gary! 47 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,858 Catherine and Mr. Marjorie have been here and they're just keeping me in stitches! 48 00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:49,652 - Okay, it's a lady. - Oh. 49 00:01:50,403 --> 00:01:52,631 Mike: We're finishing up president meyer's memoir this week... 50 00:01:52,655 --> 00:01:53,674 Nobody is gonna read that. 51 00:01:53,698 --> 00:01:56,575 And darn it if! Haven't been bitten by the writing bug. 52 00:01:56,659 --> 00:01:58,744 I wanna write a syndicated humor column 53 00:01:58,828 --> 00:02:00,955 like, uh, Dave Barry or erma. 54 00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:03,016 Mike, do you have any awareness of what's been happening 55 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,501 - with newspapers in the last 10 years? - Not at all. 56 00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:07,354 I mean, truth is, I don't even get them anymore. 57 00:02:07,378 --> 00:02:08,796 I just read the news on my phone. 58 00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:11,590 - It's so much better and it's free. - Yeah, that makes sense. 59 00:02:11,674 --> 00:02:14,760 Let me just give you a little taste of the mclintock prose, okay? 60 00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:15,928 Oh, god. (Sighs) 61 00:02:16,012 --> 00:02:20,474 "The other day, I found my daughter, Ellen, sitting in her closet eating cello bow rosin." 62 00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:21,558 Creepy. 63 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,704 - "So, I sat her down and we dialogued." - That's not a word. 64 00:02:23,728 --> 00:02:27,648 "And we agreed that it was okay for her to sit in her closet, 65 00:02:27,732 --> 00:02:30,693 "and it was okay for her to eat cello bow rosin..." 66 00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:32,778 - It's not. - "...But it was not okay for her 67 00:02:32,862 --> 00:02:34,363 "to do both at the same time. 68 00:02:34,447 --> 00:02:39,577 "I think we both found that solution very... rosinable." 69 00:02:39,952 --> 00:02:41,245 (Mike chuckling) 70 00:02:42,580 --> 00:02:44,999 Okay, well, Mike... (Chuckles) 71 00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:46,722 If I hear of anything, I'll let you know. 72 00:02:46,751 --> 00:02:49,503 Thank you so much, Leon. I owe you big-time. 73 00:02:49,587 --> 00:02:51,732 And you know what, I'll send you a couple mclintock morsels 74 00:02:51,756 --> 00:02:52,836 just to whet your appetite. 75 00:02:52,882 --> 00:02:54,300 I do not want you to do that. 76 00:02:55,176 --> 00:02:56,177 - I will. - Dont 77 00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:57,261 - I'm gonna. - No. 78 00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,513 Gary: I can't believe y'all are in my house! 79 00:02:59,597 --> 00:03:02,075 - I know, I can't believe it either. - (Laughing) This is so exciting. 80 00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:04,352 I promise this party is gonna be so elegant. 81 00:03:04,435 --> 00:03:05,686 Very "new south." 82 00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:07,146 - Gary: Yes. - What does that mean? 83 00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:09,607 No butt-fucking ned beatty till the after-party, I guess. 84 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,817 (Chuckles) No, there is gonna be a raw bar. 85 00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:13,819 - And the very best southern chef. - Thank you. 86 00:03:13,903 --> 00:03:15,821 Yes, who hasn't said the n-word on television. 87 00:03:15,905 --> 00:03:17,132 - Oh, that's good. - Gary: Yeah. 88 00:03:17,156 --> 00:03:21,911 Ma'am, I really think that we need to discuss my doing something other than the library. 89 00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:24,372 Do you have any social skills whatsoever? 90 00:03:24,455 --> 00:03:29,043 I mean, my god, Amy, we're in the middle of visiting with what's-his-ass's family here. 91 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:30,127 Gary: Aw, so nice. 92 00:03:30,211 --> 00:03:32,630 Hey, birthday boy, I need my purse. I gotta get my eye drops. 93 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:36,008 - Well, hello to the house! Hey, honey. - Oh, there he is! Judge is home. 94 00:03:36,092 --> 00:03:37,385 Gary: Hey. Uh... 95 00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:40,805 Well, well, well, look at that! 96 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:45,267 Hey, everybody, not home an hour and Gary's carrying a Jimmy choo purse. 97 00:03:45,351 --> 00:03:46,602 - Oh. - (Both laugh) 98 00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:47,895 Some things never change, huh? 99 00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:50,648 It's for the president. The president, judge. 100 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:51,875 Judge: Oh, the president! Gary: Yes. 101 00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,901 - Hey, hey, I was justjoshing with you. - (Groans) 102 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:55,403 I was joshing with you. 103 00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:57,071 - Don't tear up now. - I'm not. I'm not. 104 00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:58,406 You'll ruin your mascara. 105 00:03:58,489 --> 00:04:00,616 - Hey! - Hello, Mr. Walsh. 106 00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:03,953 Hello. I did not vote for you, but I do respect the office. 107 00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:06,747 Okay, well, you didn't have to say that, but thank you very much. 108 00:04:06,831 --> 00:04:07,873 I understand. 109 00:04:07,957 --> 00:04:10,477 You know what, I saw that Tom James being interviewed on the television 110 00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:11,603 - about the two of you. - Uh-huh. 111 00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:13,587 - Oh, good, you saw that? Okay. - Yeah, I did. 112 00:04:13,671 --> 00:04:16,799 My god, that's a good-looking man. Looks like he works out. 113 00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:18,485 - Where are my manners? - Does he work out? 114 00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,719 I'm gonna show you to your rooms, so you can freshen up. 115 00:04:20,803 --> 00:04:22,096 And you two girls, I'm sorry. 116 00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:23,782 You're gonna have to share that room downstairs. 117 00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:25,075 - I hope you don't mind. - Oh, of course. 118 00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:26,851 - We usually... - (Tutting) 119 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,310 - Imogene: Come on. - Coming, mama! 120 00:04:28,394 --> 00:04:31,647 Madam president, the two of you will be in separate bedrooms 121 00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,524 since you're not (whispers) Official yet. 122 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:34,817 - Mama! - What? 123 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:35,901 Nope, nothing. 124 00:04:35,985 --> 00:04:37,236 Oh, look at this. 125 00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:38,612 You kept Gary's crib. 126 00:04:38,696 --> 00:04:41,031 It's not Gary's. It's his brother Bruce's. 127 00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,342 Oh, I didn't know you had a brother. 128 00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:44,410 Bruce was his stillborn twin. 129 00:04:44,869 --> 00:04:46,012 Imogene: He had a huge heart. 130 00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:47,413 Missing all its valves, though. 131 00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:48,664 Uh, here we go again! 132 00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:50,082 When Gary was in high school, 133 00:04:50,166 --> 00:04:53,252 I used to say Bruce still had a better chance of making the football team. 134 00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:54,503 (Both laugh) 135 00:04:54,587 --> 00:04:55,838 That's fighting words. 136 00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:59,341 Madam president, um, we're gonna leave you to get settled. 137 00:04:59,425 --> 00:05:02,970 Oh, Gary, can you stay behind for a second? We have some scheduling things. 138 00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,055 - I can't sleep in here. - I know. 139 00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:07,433 And your father comes off a little... 140 00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:08,684 Hard on me, I know. 141 00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:09,852 - That, too. - Uh-huh. 142 00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:11,937 Wow, no wonder I couldn't carry the south. 143 00:05:12,021 --> 00:05:15,483 I mean, none of the polling research mentioned a dead son's ghost crib. 144 00:05:15,566 --> 00:05:18,068 - The ghost is gone. - Mmm? 145 00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:19,337 I mean, at least we think it's gone. 146 00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,561 Sometimes you hear crying, but that's usually just mama. 147 00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:24,408 I'm gonna sleep in your mom's room or your dad's room. 148 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:25,534 Okay, okay. 149 00:05:25,618 --> 00:05:27,053 How do you know they sleep in separate rooms? 150 00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,787 - (Clicking tongue) - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 151 00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:29,997 I'll tell you something, 152 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,892 if I had a crib for every baby who died inside me, 153 00:05:31,916 --> 00:05:34,335 - I could open up a pottery barn kids. - A-ha. 154 00:05:34,418 --> 00:05:37,338 The daylight savings time-loving bureaucrats 155 00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:41,675 have been "punching the clock" on the taxpayers' dime for too long. 156 00:05:41,759 --> 00:05:43,761 Well, now it's time for me to punch a clock... 157 00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:46,472 With a hammer. 158 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,100 - (Grunts) - (Crowd gasp) 159 00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,937 At least while the government's shut down we won't have to pay taxes. 160 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,414 - (Laughs) - That's not how it works. 161 00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:55,648 Oh. (Chuckles) 162 00:05:55,731 --> 00:05:56,732 Homeless people. 163 00:05:56,815 --> 00:06:00,569 Our very own Dan egan goes undercover in our fourth installment of 164 00:06:00,653 --> 00:06:03,155 "life on the streets, tears in the gutter." 165 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,157 (Melancholy music playing) 166 00:06:06,158 --> 00:06:08,118 We're back in two. Guys, let's talk. 167 00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:10,847 I don't know how to say this to you, Danny, but the network is not happy. 168 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:11,997 We need a game-changer. 169 00:06:12,081 --> 00:06:14,583 Okay, well, I mean, we could go back to fucking. 170 00:06:14,667 --> 00:06:16,144 Well, I wanted to wait till after the wedding, but... 171 00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:18,313 They want you to get an interview with the head of the jeffersons. 172 00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:20,097 - I'm not doing it. - Your job depends on it. 173 00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:21,274 - I'm not doing it. - Ten seconds. 174 00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,676 Oh, you are fucking doing it. You are fucking doing it. 175 00:06:23,759 --> 00:06:25,970 Because I am not going back to yahoo fucking style! 176 00:06:26,387 --> 00:06:30,266 And up next, a long-lost letter from world war I! Finally delivered, 177 00:06:30,349 --> 00:06:31,976 ending a 60-year marriage. 178 00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:34,311 Good morning, uh... 179 00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:36,790 - Amy, Richard, and madam president. - Amy, Richard, madam president. 180 00:06:36,814 --> 00:06:37,958 - Good morning... - Judge and imogene. 181 00:06:37,982 --> 00:06:39,525 Judge and imogene. 182 00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:41,652 So, how are the plans coming for the, urn... 183 00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,153 - Both: Fortieth. - The 40th? 184 00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:46,532 The crystal came in today and I am just like... oh! 185 00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:49,326 Judge: Gary, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go fetch the papers. 186 00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:50,703 Now, see, look at that. 187 00:06:50,786 --> 00:06:54,915 Look, madam president, with all due respect, the government should get shut down. 188 00:06:54,999 --> 00:06:56,476 - Selina: Uh-huh. - And that's the kind of man 189 00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:58,002 I could get behind, but... 190 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,045 - Well... - Bow tie makes him look queer. 191 00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:03,299 Mike, when did you get here? 192 00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:04,651 - Just a couple minutes ago, ma'am. - Hmm. 193 00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:05,915 I got this really cheap flight. 194 00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:08,780 - Ooh. I'm really sorry I asked that question. - Had, like, four layovers, you know? 195 00:07:08,804 --> 00:07:10,264 I really got here three hours early 196 00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,808 because we had to make an emergency landing in Birmingham 197 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:16,812 because some guy took a poo on the beverage cart. 198 00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:18,230 And, no, it wasn't me. 199 00:07:18,314 --> 00:07:20,482 I'm actually really blocked up from all the travel. 200 00:07:20,566 --> 00:07:22,735 And by the way, these biscuits are amazing. 201 00:07:22,818 --> 00:07:24,028 Oh, thank you, Mike. 202 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:27,615 Ma'am, do you think that Mike could benefit from closer supervision? 203 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:28,741 She's not wrong. 204 00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:31,994 You know what, Amy, you are now in charge of finishing the book with Mike. 205 00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:34,121 And Richard, you're in charge of the library. 206 00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:35,205 What just happened? 207 00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:36,569 You're in charge of the library. 208 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:37,726 - Uh, we're still doing that? - Yeah! 209 00:07:37,750 --> 00:07:39,793 - I better get to work, then. Thanks. - Good luck. 210 00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:40,961 Well, we should get going. 211 00:07:41,045 --> 00:07:44,798 We're actually doing a "herstorical" tour of great southern female writers. 212 00:07:44,882 --> 00:07:46,151 And where they killed themselves. 213 00:07:46,175 --> 00:07:47,855 Catherine, you know, everybodyjust woke up 214 00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,070 and they don't wanna hear about... 215 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:51,406 Judge: All right. Just get in there! Jaffar: Okay. All right. Thank you. 216 00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:52,510 All right, madam president, 217 00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:54,284 I found this person of interest lurking around out there. 218 00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:55,726 - In a Ferrari. - You're kidding me. 219 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,579 - Your secret service ain't worth a damn. - Selina: What is this? 220 00:07:57,603 --> 00:08:00,648 I tried to explain to him that Birmingham ranks low on the jihadi to-do list. 221 00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,531 Did you tell him your first name was Mohammad? 222 00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:04,777 - No. - I can vouch for him for the most part. 223 00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:06,963 Let's get to work, Mike. Roll those sleeves up to your pit stains. 224 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,090 - Mike: All righty. I got my diary. - I need to talk to you in private. 225 00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:10,467 - Catherine: This is so inappropriate. - Excuse us. 226 00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:11,575 - It's not in here. - What? 227 00:08:11,659 --> 00:08:12,660 I don't have my diary. 228 00:08:12,743 --> 00:08:14,554 - Then look harder! It's gotta be in there! - Shit. 229 00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:17,498 Mike, that diary is all you're good for. The diary should've lost you. 230 00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:19,893 Every detail of every day in the white house was in that diary. 231 00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:21,517 Where do you think you might've left it? 232 00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:25,130 I did stop to eat at this, uh, truck-stop diner driving up from Birmingham. 233 00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:26,507 No, you just ate breakfast now. 234 00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:27,675 No, I'm on DC. Time. 235 00:08:27,758 --> 00:08:29,426 It's an hour's difference! Let's go! 236 00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:32,137 Oh, good, they have great pancakes. We'll split a stack. 237 00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:35,140 I don't understand. What are you even doing here? 238 00:08:35,224 --> 00:08:36,944 Well, your man Richard told me to come down. 239 00:08:36,975 --> 00:08:38,995 I had some business in the Gulf with sturges energy, 240 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,104 but I had to see you. 241 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,564 Oh, please, suddenly now white lives matter? 242 00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:45,025 No, look, like, I am sorry for how I behaved, 243 00:08:45,109 --> 00:08:47,420 but everything is different now that my father's died of colon cancer, 244 00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:48,487 praise be to Allah. 245 00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:51,091 Plus, our family's got a brand-new imam who's just a lot more chill. 246 00:08:51,115 --> 00:08:52,592 I mean, I can engage in homosexual acts 247 00:08:52,616 --> 00:08:55,303 with the entire writing staff of Charlie hebdo and nobody would say boo. 248 00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:56,763 Well, you're getting me all wet now. 249 00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:57,889 No, no, I didn't... you know... 250 00:08:57,913 --> 00:08:59,599 Hey, wait a minute, did you say sturges energy? 251 00:08:59,623 --> 00:09:01,667 Who donated that whole wing to Hughes' library? 252 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:03,144 Yeah, quartie and I are dear friends. 253 00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:05,462 Our houses share a beach path and a vineyard. 254 00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:06,940 We don't let the public use it, of course. 255 00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:08,149 (Scoffs) You had me at "beach path." 256 00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:09,883 Yeah, Carly Simon is on the other side. 257 00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:11,593 You know, she has this tree. 258 00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:13,279 You know, it just sort of hangs over the property line. 259 00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:14,614 So, listen, could you do me a favor? 260 00:09:14,638 --> 00:09:18,559 You think you could talk to quartie about maybe donating a few mil to my library? 261 00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:20,227 I'll make that call for you. 262 00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:21,955 - Mmm-mmm, I haven't forgiven you yet. - Why? Come on. 263 00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:23,123 No. Plus, we're in Gary's house 264 00:09:23,147 --> 00:09:25,858 and this whole place is like a vortex of sexual confusion. 265 00:09:25,941 --> 00:09:27,651 - I mean, witness. This... - Oh, my god. 266 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,779 Hey, Dan, look at my sandwich. Remind you of Jane? 267 00:09:30,863 --> 00:09:32,424 I really gotta stop these weekly lunches. 268 00:09:32,448 --> 00:09:35,009 Should've kept the old gray mare. Your ratings ain't what they used to be. 269 00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:36,970 - I hear your days are numbered, boy-o. - (Cell phone vibrates) 270 00:09:36,994 --> 00:09:39,997 Ooh. And this just might be the phone call that changes all that. 271 00:09:40,456 --> 00:09:41,457 (Chuckling) Hey! 272 00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,184 - Hold for congressman Ryan. - Lower the capital gains tax. 273 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,626 Msnbc and bloomberg are on hold. 274 00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:47,004 Deregulate the financial industry. Deregulate the... 275 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,088 Deregulate everything! 276 00:09:48,172 --> 00:09:49,923 - Congressman. - Thank you. 277 00:09:50,007 --> 00:09:52,843 Dan egan, to what do I owe the pleasure of this... 278 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,095 There is no fucking way I am going on your show! 279 00:09:55,179 --> 00:09:56,930 - Jonah. - Kent: Hold for congressman Ryan. 280 00:09:57,014 --> 00:10:00,160 Don't budge on the debt ceiling until you get a private meeting with the president. 281 00:10:00,184 --> 00:10:03,937 You're a freshman congressman who still uses his mother's Netflix password. 282 00:10:04,021 --> 00:10:05,999 There's no way you're gonna get a meeting with montez, 283 00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:08,192 no matter what fyvush fuckhole here says. 284 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,152 Well, fyvush fuckhole disagrees. 285 00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:11,379 We're gonna hold out for the meeting. 286 00:10:11,403 --> 00:10:13,003 I'll be in my car getting drunk. (Sighs) 287 00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:14,072 Jonah: Hi, Danny. 288 00:10:14,156 --> 00:10:18,452 I want tickets to a certain Broadway show that's impossible to get tickets to. 289 00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:19,995 Spider-man: Turn off the dark. 290 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,062 That... that show closed years ago. 291 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,225 Hold for the congressman. I have another offer coming. 292 00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:27,169 No, wait! Jonah, I... I will give you the questions in advance. 293 00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:28,629 Ah, fuck! 294 00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:30,315 Four tickets to spider-man: Turn off the dark? 295 00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:33,050 No problemo. It'll be right after the interview. 296 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,176 Best seats in the house. 297 00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:36,345 Give... no, no. Hey, Jonah. Jonah, hang up on him. 298 00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:37,721 Greg is basic cable... 299 00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:38,948 Are these from trader Joe's? They're delicious. 300 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,701 Oh, no, they're from costco. I get them in a five-gallon bucket. Yeah. 301 00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:42,994 Look, Jonah, just tell me what you want. 302 00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:45,896 I want you and I to party like we did back when we were best friends. 303 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,231 Uh, when... uh... 304 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,817 Yes. Yes! Done-zo! 305 00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:51,401 Well, then, I guess, we have a deal. 306 00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:55,489 You said on-air that Bruce hornsby was a member of the grateful dead. 307 00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:59,076 He was a touring member from '90 to '92. He never officially joined. 308 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,870 I wonder if we should get married in the fall or at new year's. 309 00:11:01,954 --> 00:11:04,390 - I always thought a fall wedding... - I was talking to my father. 310 00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:07,084 Ma'am, will you be okay with congressman Ryan? Alone? 311 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,627 She'll... what? She'll be fine! 312 00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:09,979 Actually, why don't you stay, candi? 313 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,899 (In hushed voice) Jesus Christ, it's not like I'm gonna rape the president. 314 00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:16,510 Oh, I'm sorry, did you just say you aren't going to rape the president? 315 00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:19,054 Of course, I'm not. Why would I say I would? 316 00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:20,377 Why would you say you wouldn't? 317 00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:21,765 Because I wouldn't! 318 00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:23,767 I think maybe your people should come in, too. 319 00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:25,370 - Gentlemen! - Ben: What did he do, ma'am? 320 00:11:25,394 --> 00:11:26,594 Nothing! I didn't do anything! 321 00:11:26,645 --> 00:11:28,689 Well, he threatened to not rape the president. 322 00:11:28,772 --> 00:11:30,732 Yeah, that's not a threat, that's a promise. 323 00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,902 Okay, congressman, first of all, let me congratulate you. 324 00:11:33,986 --> 00:11:36,154 You have accomplished more in one month 325 00:11:36,238 --> 00:11:39,324 than most extremely stupid people do in a lifetime. 326 00:11:39,408 --> 00:11:41,594 - That's very kind of you to say, ma'am. - Shut the fuck up. 327 00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,161 This is my final offer, all right? 328 00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:46,915 Tell tanz he can have his deregulation of the payday loan industry, 329 00:11:46,999 --> 00:11:49,668 tripling of the private prison tax incentives... 330 00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:50,794 Nice. 331 00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:53,881 And the sentencing reform rollbacks for the mentally ill. 332 00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:56,109 - And you'll get rid of daylight savings time? - Montez: Oh, my... 333 00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:59,845 I cannot do that. That is an impossible request. 334 00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:01,179 Why, because I'm Jewish? 335 00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:02,347 Excuse me? 336 00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:03,533 Uh, he's not Jewish yet, ma'am. 337 00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,952 Yeah, but I only have two months left of those jiffy Jew classes. 338 00:12:05,976 --> 00:12:07,495 And after that, it's snip, snip, snip. 339 00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:08,896 And as an almost-Jew, 340 00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:12,149 I will not stand by with this anti-almost-semitism. 341 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,902 Why don't you take it up with the anti-defamation league? 342 00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,320 The fuck is that? 343 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,030 Wow! Okay. 344 00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:21,199 My offer's not gonna be on the table for long. Good afternoon, gentlemen. 345 00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,535 Wow, Gary! 346 00:12:23,619 --> 00:12:25,579 - (Chuckles) - What is this crystal? 347 00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:26,747 (Laughing) I know! 348 00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:28,582 It's vintage baccarat. 349 00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:30,083 It's really gorgeous. 350 00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:31,418 - Selina. Hi. - Yeah. 351 00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:32,901 So, I just heard back from quartie. 352 00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:34,004 Right, and? 353 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:37,132 - He was intrigued but reluctant. - Oh! Why? What? 354 00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:39,134 He's, you know, one of those real good old boys, 355 00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:41,428 and he thinks that you're a little Upper East Side. 356 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:42,763 Are you kidding me? Me? 357 00:12:42,846 --> 00:12:44,097 Yeah. You know, like a snob. 358 00:12:44,181 --> 00:12:45,223 You gotta be kidding me. 359 00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:47,517 Or like, uh, Eva Gabor in green acres. 360 00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,227 You had green acres in Qatar? 361 00:12:49,311 --> 00:12:51,205 Oh, yes, but they censored all the scenes with Arnold ziffel. 362 00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:52,790 You know, I'm technically from the south. 363 00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:53,899 Oh, is that right? 364 00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:56,401 Yeah, Maryland had slaves. They just didn't secede. 365 00:12:56,485 --> 00:12:57,611 So they had it both ways? 366 00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:58,695 Like Gary's dad. 367 00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:00,113 You know what, uh, Gary? 368 00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:03,158 - Can we invite quartie to your party? - Ooh, that's a good idea. 369 00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:05,327 You know, give the good old boy a good old time? 370 00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,496 It's kind of a sit-down dinner, so... 371 00:13:08,372 --> 00:13:09,957 - Yeah, but, I mean... - Who cares? 372 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:11,120 - Selina: Yeah. - Who cares? 373 00:13:11,166 --> 00:13:12,584 - Party on. - Jaffar: Great! 374 00:13:12,668 --> 00:13:17,089 I'll show that oil-splattered cow-fucker that I'm open-minded and nonjudgmental. 375 00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:18,507 - I love it. - (Chuckles) 376 00:13:19,383 --> 00:13:20,743 Selina: Hey, Gary? (Clears throat) 377 00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:24,805 I'm wondering if a sit-down dinner is a little stuffy these days. 378 00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:26,640 What? No. 379 00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:27,975 Well... 380 00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:29,726 Maybe. 381 00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:30,978 I wanna look at the menu. 382 00:13:31,061 --> 00:13:34,272 And I gotta say, I'm not sure this crystal is right. 383 00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:35,941 I think it's a little elitist. 384 00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:37,901 - I know! - But not in a good way. 385 00:13:38,110 --> 00:13:40,445 - Oh. Oh. - Yeah, let's get rid of it. 386 00:13:40,529 --> 00:13:43,115 But make a mental note of exactly what this pattern is 387 00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:44,918 'cause maybe we'll rent it for my birthday. 388 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,387 Amy: Do you know that if 30,000 more people in Alabama... 389 00:13:47,411 --> 00:13:50,455 - Sorry. I was here earlier... - Had gone to the polls instead of smoking 390 00:13:50,539 --> 00:13:53,699 off-brand cigarettes through their neck holes at riverboat casino slot machines, 391 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:55,561 we would be working at the white house right now 392 00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:58,964 instead of hunting for your diary at a fucking truck stop 393 00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:01,901 in which I guarantee we are the only people who are not here to score speed 394 00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,069 or get their assholes licked. 395 00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:05,345 Well, after I ate, iwent right to the bathroom 396 00:14:05,429 --> 00:14:07,407 because, uh, things started loosening up, you know. 397 00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:08,741 Whenever I drink coffee, usually it really gets... 398 00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:09,808 I do not need details! 399 00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:12,436 Okay, let's see here. A-ha! 400 00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:13,854 - (Gasps) - Bingo! 401 00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:15,647 - Oh, god, thank you! - Got it. 402 00:14:15,731 --> 00:14:16,773 My jacket. 403 00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:18,942 - And? - And what? Oh. 404 00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:20,944 No diary. Fuck! 405 00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:24,448 Mike, I am going to choke you to death with your urine-soaked jacket. 406 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,926 It's not urine, okay? It's probably just water from the urinal. 407 00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:28,326 - Let's go. - Hang on. 408 00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:31,496 God, Jesus! I can tell you that the diary is not in your ass crack 409 00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:34,434 because I have had a very good view of the strawberry fields for the last hour. 410 00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:35,834 Look, I lost my belt, okay? 411 00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:37,753 When iwent through security at Dulles, I... 412 00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:41,131 I left it at security. 413 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,340 Maybe the diary's there. 414 00:14:42,466 --> 00:14:44,801 (Gritting teeth) Okay, now we're going to Dulles. 415 00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:46,762 - Can we get a quick stack of pancakes? - No! 416 00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:49,014 What about my look and my makeup? 417 00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:51,558 I was thinking a smoky bronze eye. 418 00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:53,018 - Okay, yeah, good. - Yeah, okay. 419 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,228 Well, well, look at you. 420 00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:59,399 Big-shot Washington insider, making like an avon lady. 421 00:14:59,483 --> 00:15:01,651 - Well, the president... - Don't interrupt me, boy! 422 00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:04,071 "Smoky bronze eye." 423 00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:06,907 God, don't you know that woman needs a pop color? 424 00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:08,575 Classic red lip. 425 00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:10,494 - That's what she needs. - Hmm. 426 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,329 - Judge: Ma'am. Mmm-hmm. - How are you? 427 00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:15,707 You can't let your father talk to you like that. 428 00:15:15,791 --> 00:15:18,794 He's always interrupting you and insulting you. 429 00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:19,979 You're absolutely right. I've got to get... 430 00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:22,422 You have to stand up for yourself, stupid. 431 00:15:22,506 --> 00:15:24,650 I'm gonna tell you something that I haven't told anybody but mama. 432 00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:26,569 - Dear lord. - And I'm gonna tell it tonight at the party. 433 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,762 When I was a kid, I was a bit of a tomboy, okay? 434 00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:31,932 All I wanted to do was go hunting with judge. That's it. 435 00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:34,160 But he was always off with Teddy, who was kind of the first Bobby, 436 00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:35,227 all this kind of stuff. 437 00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:36,812 Yeah, I think you need to... 438 00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:40,065 But then on my 10th birthday, he finally took me out hunting. 439 00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:43,276 And then all of a sudden, this squirrel just popped out. Wow! 440 00:15:43,527 --> 00:15:45,779 I squeezed my eyes shut, I pulled the trigger. 441 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,822 - Well, the recoil just knocked me out cold. - Oh. 442 00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:51,576 When I came to, the judge was standing over me with a squirrel. 443 00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,620 - You were passed out? - Yeah. 444 00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:56,039 - And he was standing over you? - Yeah. 445 00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:58,625 Did you have your pants on? 446 00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:00,978 Of course I did. (Chuckles) What are you talking about? 447 00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:04,089 But, listen, what the judge doesn't know is that when I was lying down, 448 00:16:04,172 --> 00:16:07,467 I kind of saw that he pulled the squirrel out of his pocket. 449 00:16:07,551 --> 00:16:10,137 I didn't hit anything. He just wanted me to feel like a man. 450 00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:12,406 He had a dead animal in his pocket the whole time, okay? 451 00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:13,533 And you know what I did with it? 452 00:16:13,557 --> 00:16:17,310 I skinned it and I made a fur vest and matching boots for my gi. Joe doll. 453 00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:20,063 - Bam, sucker! (Laughs) - Neat 454 00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:21,481 - Richard: Ma'am? - Yeah. 455 00:16:21,565 --> 00:16:24,085 Mike and Amy texted that they had to head up to the national archives. 456 00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:26,153 Okay. Richard, what do you know aboutjug bands? 457 00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:27,279 - Everything. - Ah! 458 00:16:27,362 --> 00:16:28,464 What would I do without you? 459 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,157 (Chuckles) Well, vice versa, ma'am, so... 460 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,493 I will tell you one thing, I think judge was right about the lip color. 461 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:34,929 - (Whispers) He always is. - Yeah. 462 00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:37,122 Ben: Jonah, you have to take the montez deal. 463 00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:38,891 I never thought you'd last more than a week, 464 00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:41,376 but right now, you could piss on every grave in Arlington 465 00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:43,628 and still get reelected in November. 466 00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:45,231 Fuck daylight savings time, all right? 467 00:16:45,255 --> 00:16:48,758 Just take the deal and you could be governor, or senator, 468 00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:51,178 or, god help us, who knows? 469 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:54,431 Thank you for your input. It's very much appreciated. 470 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:55,849 You can clean out your office. 471 00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:57,577 I don't have an office. I share a desk with Kent. 472 00:16:57,601 --> 00:16:59,477 Well, then you can clean out your half-desk. 473 00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:00,896 - It's empty. - You're fired. 474 00:17:01,313 --> 00:17:02,397 Okay. 475 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,080 All right. See you around, never, Ben... 476 00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:05,525 - Cafferty. - Yeah. 477 00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,071 - Am I fired, too, or... - No. No. 478 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:11,531 Very well. 479 00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:13,950 - Selina: Quartie's gonna love this. - Yeah. 480 00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:15,261 - Ma'am, this doesn't seem right. - Gary: No. 481 00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:17,370 - Yeah, let's lose it. - All right, losing the flag. 482 00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:19,122 - No, no, no, the birthday sign. - Oh. 483 00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,874 Jaffar: Selina, look who I found. 484 00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:23,376 - Gary: Who are all these people? Oh! - (Gasps) Your guests! 485 00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:26,213 Madam president, let me introduce you to quartie sturges. 486 00:17:26,296 --> 00:17:27,505 Quartie, president meyer. 487 00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:28,900 You need to call me selina. Okay? 488 00:17:28,924 --> 00:17:30,133 (Chuckles) All right, selina. 489 00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:33,220 It is so nice to see you south of the Mason-Dixon line 490 00:17:33,303 --> 00:17:35,597 without your campaign bus behind you. 491 00:17:35,931 --> 00:17:38,225 (Laughs) I think you're teasing me. 492 00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:41,144 You know, president Hughes said the nicest things about you. 493 00:17:41,228 --> 00:17:43,730 Oh, my goodness, I wish I could say the same thing. 494 00:17:46,691 --> 00:17:48,902 - We need a drink. - Yeah. (Laughing) 495 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:51,112 - I'm seven years sober, ma'am. - Uh-oh. 496 00:17:51,196 --> 00:17:54,908 You know, my mother was an alcoholic. She was a real mean drunk. 497 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:57,160 - Are you mean when you drink? - (Laughs) 498 00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,964 - Quartie: Occasionally, ma'am. - I get that sense. I get that sense. 499 00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:02,165 What is this? This is the biggest one you could get? 500 00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:04,727 It's only got four wheels and there's no fucking hot tub in the back. 501 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,712 Just get in the car before someone sees us, Malcolm no-sex. 502 00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:09,005 Is that right, player? 503 00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:10,339 - Hmm, damn. - Yeah. 504 00:18:10,382 --> 00:18:12,300 We're gonna fuck bitches till they in stitches. 505 00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:14,403 Actually, I'm just kidding. I got engaged. Did you hear that? 506 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,179 - Is she a foreigner? - No, just Jewish. 507 00:18:16,972 --> 00:18:20,016 Oh, what's up now? 9/11, bitches! 508 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,769 We're gonna fly two planes into the club! 509 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:26,189 Next stop, "green witch" village! Here we go, let's go! 510 00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:28,570 Let's go. Oh, fuck! Hey, you could've killed me! 511 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,003 Quartie: That's the problem with you new yorkers. 512 00:18:31,027 --> 00:18:34,072 You don't appreciate fine weaponry in your bloomingdale's and your zabar's. 513 00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:35,875 - No. Quartie, I'm a country girl. - Uh-huh. 514 00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:37,701 Okay? I think you keep forgetting that, 515 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:41,538 like you forgot to clean up that oil spill of yours in the Gulf. 516 00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:43,331 (Both laughing) 517 00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:46,418 - Very good, very good. Very good. - Okay. Okay. Good, good. 518 00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:49,355 You know, this band hasn't played together since the great, uh, washboard feud. 519 00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:50,547 - Is that so? - Mmm-hmm. 520 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,632 Hey, Brian. Brian, Beth! Where are you guys going? 521 00:18:52,716 --> 00:18:54,259 You're the only people I know left. 522 00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:57,220 We're just uncomfortable around so many confederate flags. 523 00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:59,180 - And the lawn jockeys. - (Sighs) Sorry. 524 00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:00,491 - Happy birthday. - Happy birthday, Gary. 525 00:19:00,515 --> 00:19:02,350 Oh, thank you, thank you. 526 00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:04,185 - _gary? - Yeah. 527 00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:05,549 Not a lot of vegetarian options. 528 00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:07,564 I know. I'm sorry, Marjorie. 529 00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:13,320 Oh, god, what a mean face. 530 00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:15,488 - (Ringing cow bell) - Yeah. 531 00:19:15,572 --> 00:19:17,157 Hush up, y'all. Um... 532 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:22,203 I just wanna say a few words for Gary Walsh's 40th birthday. 533 00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:23,496 - (Chuckles) - Who's Gary? 534 00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:29,544 Like Gary, I, too, was born in the glory that is the deep south. Of Maryland. 535 00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:32,422 So, you know, Gary and I both have our swimming holes, 536 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:36,259 and our fishing holes, and all the holes you could ever possibly want. 537 00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:38,053 Right, quartie? Um... 538 00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:44,351 But I wanna tell you this one particular story that's one of my favorite southern memories. 539 00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:48,438 It's when my daddy first took me hunting for rabbits. 540 00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:51,733 And I gotta tell you, my rifle was bigger than I was. 541 00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:54,277 - I was just a tiny, little thing. - (Imogene laughs) 542 00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:58,156 But, uh, the second amendment certainly did guarantee my right to use it. 543 00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:00,241 - Ho! Damn straight, huh? - Selina: That's right. 544 00:20:00,325 --> 00:20:03,953 So, anyway, I aim my shotgun at one of those rascals, 545 00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:08,083 and, gosh darn it, the recoil plumb knocked me on my behind. 546 00:20:08,792 --> 00:20:10,752 I'm learning so much about selina tonight. 547 00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:12,188 - Selina: Sure enough, when I came to... - Me, too. 548 00:20:12,212 --> 00:20:13,880 I should update her Wikipedia page. 549 00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:16,633 Showed me the rabbit that I shot. 550 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,885 But what my daddy didn't know, 551 00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:20,071 and I'm so... (Voice breaking) 552 00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:22,722 I'm sorry if I get a little emotional telling this story, 553 00:20:22,806 --> 00:20:27,227 is that I saw him pull that dead rabbit out of his pocket. 554 00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:28,895 He just wanted to make his little girl 555 00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:32,690 as happy as a hound dog with a horse's Johnson. 556 00:20:33,024 --> 00:20:34,109 Crowd: Aw. 557 00:20:34,192 --> 00:20:36,236 Selina: But at any rate, happy birthday, Gary. 558 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:39,239 And I think the birthday boy would like to say a few words. 559 00:20:39,322 --> 00:20:40,949 Would you like to say a few words, gar? 560 00:20:41,616 --> 00:20:42,700 Gary, you wanna come up? 561 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,580 I think he's feeling a little shy, 562 00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:50,750 so, um, thank you all so much, 563 00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:52,836 and y'all enjoy the party and have a good time. 564 00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:54,045 - Yeah. - Yeah! 565 00:20:54,129 --> 00:20:56,631 Well, all right! Thank you! Thank you. 566 00:20:56,714 --> 00:20:57,799 (Music resumes) 567 00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,717 - That was amazing. - Yeah. 568 00:20:59,801 --> 00:21:03,221 Uh, as my father used to say, "if that speech was a horse, it'd be a unicorn." 569 00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:04,472 - (Laughs) - Magical! 570 00:21:04,848 --> 00:21:05,991 I wanna put that rabbit story in the book. 571 00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:08,786 - Actually, Amy's in charge of the book. - No, Amy's not in charge of anything. 572 00:21:08,810 --> 00:21:09,810 I wish I had a pen. 573 00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:11,914 You know, I just remembered, I have a photographic memory, so... 574 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,040 Oh, perfect! Perfect, perfect. 575 00:21:13,064 --> 00:21:14,458 Hey, ma'am. Can I talk to you just a second, please? 576 00:21:14,482 --> 00:21:15,626 Yeah, I wanna talk to you, too. 577 00:21:15,650 --> 00:21:18,528 - Gary, I'm so sorry. - Yeah, yeah. 578 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,113 We have run out of bourbon, 579 00:21:20,196 --> 00:21:23,992 so do you think we could borrow some of your daddy's bourbon from his stash? 580 00:21:24,826 --> 00:21:27,537 - Yeah. - Yeah? Good, good. Great, great. 581 00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:30,331 I think that went well. 582 00:21:31,541 --> 00:21:32,935 There you are. I've been looking... 583 00:21:32,959 --> 00:21:35,587 Oh, my god. I'm... I'm so sorry that... 584 00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:38,339 There's no food here, and the baby and I just got so hungry, 585 00:21:38,423 --> 00:21:42,218 and I need you to not be mad at me because I just... I just had... I had one bite. 586 00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:43,904 Brought you a second plate with extra pork chop... 587 00:21:43,928 --> 00:21:45,597 Imogene, not now. 588 00:21:46,014 --> 00:21:47,724 I don't know who you are anymore. 589 00:21:53,730 --> 00:21:55,690 Judge: Stewart, is that you? 590 00:21:56,357 --> 00:21:59,652 Jesus, Mary, and Robert e. Lee, Gary! You startled me. 591 00:21:59,736 --> 00:22:01,255 - What are you doing, I... - Wait, wait! No, no, no. 592 00:22:01,279 --> 00:22:03,448 - You snooping on me? - No, iwasn't snooping. 593 00:22:03,531 --> 00:22:04,592 Oh, then what are you doing? 594 00:22:04,616 --> 00:22:07,452 Did your lady boss send you down to get her "tampoons," did she? 595 00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:09,078 No, that's not till next week. 596 00:22:09,162 --> 00:22:10,622 - Uh, where you going? - Excuse me. 597 00:22:10,705 --> 00:22:11,789 Hey, where you going? 598 00:22:11,873 --> 00:22:14,727 I tell you, if more people would've seen that side of you during the election, 599 00:22:14,751 --> 00:22:17,229 my god, you would've gotten their vote and you would've gotten mine. 600 00:22:17,253 --> 00:22:18,606 I think you probably would've won. 601 00:22:18,630 --> 00:22:21,090 Well, I'm telling you something, I wanna talk to you, quartie, 602 00:22:21,174 --> 00:22:23,110 about the library that I'm planning. Now, it's a... 603 00:22:23,134 --> 00:22:26,679 Gary. Don't you walk away from me, boy! 604 00:22:26,763 --> 00:22:28,973 I... I ain't through with you yet. 605 00:22:29,057 --> 00:22:33,019 That's my son, I guess. Nail buffer to the lady president. 606 00:22:33,102 --> 00:22:35,438 Just shut up, daddy! 607 00:22:35,522 --> 00:22:39,317 - (Music stops) - I am so sick of you lording over me 608 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:42,028 how much you know about football and hair color, 609 00:22:42,111 --> 00:22:44,614 and how much better dead baby Bruce is than me! 610 00:22:44,697 --> 00:22:46,115 I know all about you. 611 00:22:46,199 --> 00:22:47,784 I know your secret. 612 00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:50,245 You are... you are a bully! 613 00:22:50,495 --> 00:22:51,538 No, that's not it. 614 00:22:51,621 --> 00:22:53,581 You're a big, fat, flaming bully! 615 00:22:54,207 --> 00:22:55,500 And you know what, 616 00:22:55,583 --> 00:22:58,253 you can take Teddy and Bobby and Stewart and the other Bobby, 617 00:22:58,336 --> 00:23:00,171 and you can be their daddy! 618 00:23:00,255 --> 00:23:01,339 Mmm, getting warmer. 619 00:23:01,422 --> 00:23:04,217 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna slow dance with mama. 620 00:23:05,677 --> 00:23:08,846 - (Pants) Mama. - (Slow music starts) 621 00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:11,182 Of course, Gary. Hey, everybody eat! 622 00:23:11,266 --> 00:23:12,451 Stevie: Danny, where the fuck were you? 623 00:23:12,475 --> 00:23:13,994 I've been trying to call you all night. 624 00:23:14,018 --> 00:23:16,479 A, it's Dan, and b, I don't have my phone, 625 00:23:16,563 --> 00:23:19,500 because this morning's guest dropped it over the side of the staten island ferry 626 00:23:19,524 --> 00:23:21,734 while pretending to be Melanie Griffith in working girl. 627 00:23:21,818 --> 00:23:23,903 Scrappiest underdog in cinematic history. 628 00:23:23,987 --> 00:23:25,280 Congressman Ryan, welcome back. 629 00:23:25,363 --> 00:23:28,133 We painted the green room green this time so there wouldn't be any confusion. 630 00:23:28,157 --> 00:23:29,301 Oh, perfect. Thank you, yeah. 631 00:23:29,325 --> 00:23:30,451 Hey, handsome. 632 00:23:30,535 --> 00:23:32,295 Let the record state, I did try to call you. 633 00:23:32,912 --> 00:23:35,623 What is the host of Christmas past doing here? 634 00:23:35,707 --> 00:23:37,792 Our interview. Checkers, bitch. 635 00:23:37,875 --> 00:23:38,918 You fucking kidding me? 636 00:23:39,002 --> 00:23:40,312 Dan, you've heard the old saying, 637 00:23:40,336 --> 00:23:41,480 "you gotta keep your friends close 638 00:23:41,504 --> 00:23:44,316 "and make your enemies take you out to guy fieri's restaurant in Times Square"? 639 00:23:44,340 --> 00:23:45,401 You're giving her the interview? 640 00:23:45,425 --> 00:23:48,636 Oh, I absolutely am, because I hate your stupid, perfect face. 641 00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:50,489 And when I was in high school, I used to pretend to be sick 642 00:23:50,513 --> 00:23:52,682 to stay home and jerk off to Jane McCabe. 643 00:23:52,765 --> 00:23:55,435 (Chuckles) I just can't hear that story enough. 644 00:23:55,518 --> 00:23:57,079 - Thank you, congressman. - You're welcome. 645 00:23:57,103 --> 00:23:59,230 Dan, great to see you. I had fun last night. 646 00:23:59,314 --> 00:24:00,523 - Congressman. - It was fun. 647 00:24:00,607 --> 00:24:02,042 - Come on, with me. - Be right with you. 648 00:24:02,066 --> 00:24:04,110 - Well, congratulations, Jane. - Yeah. 649 00:24:04,193 --> 00:24:05,320 You finally fucked me. 650 00:24:05,403 --> 00:24:07,655 In the face. 651 00:24:08,031 --> 00:24:10,950 And do you know how expensive it is to freeze your eggs? 652 00:24:11,034 --> 00:24:12,886 - That's why you should adopt, Amy. - I'm not adopting. 653 00:24:12,910 --> 00:24:14,830 You know, the other day, Ellen was in her closet, 654 00:24:14,912 --> 00:24:16,039 eating cello bow rosin... 655 00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:17,290 I really don't care, Mike. 656 00:24:17,373 --> 00:24:19,935 - Shut this... I really don't care. - Okay, all right. Never mind. 657 00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:20,960 (Both gasping) 658 00:24:21,044 --> 00:24:22,503 (Laughing) Here it is! 659 00:24:23,796 --> 00:24:25,798 Oh, my god, my house keys! 660 00:24:25,882 --> 00:24:27,634 This is the luckiest day ever! 661 00:24:27,717 --> 00:24:29,218 - Did you guys find a belt? - No belt. 662 00:24:29,302 --> 00:24:33,389 Wait, this is Leon west's diary. 663 00:24:33,473 --> 00:24:35,224 - What? - (Gasps) 664 00:24:35,808 --> 00:24:37,352 Oh, my god, it is. 665 00:24:38,353 --> 00:24:39,812 So where's yours? 666 00:24:41,230 --> 00:24:43,983 And the little boy with the broken roller-skates? 667 00:24:44,067 --> 00:24:47,278 He grew up to be Egyptian president anwar sadat. 668 00:24:47,403 --> 00:24:49,614 - Who, sadly, was assassinated. - Mmm. 669 00:24:49,697 --> 00:24:53,993 And now it's my pleasure to welcome back an old, old friend, 670 00:24:54,077 --> 00:24:56,412 senior correspondent Jane McCabe. 671 00:24:56,496 --> 00:24:59,457 If you don't already know my first guest's name, 672 00:24:59,540 --> 00:25:00,601 you've been hiding under a rock. 673 00:25:00,625 --> 00:25:01,751 Uh, it's Jonah Ryan. 674 00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:04,629 - Joining me this morning is Jonah Ryan. - (Stevie snaps fingers) 675 00:25:04,712 --> 00:25:06,381 Thank you, Jane, for having me in. 676 00:25:06,464 --> 00:25:08,257 Breaking news from Washington, DC, 677 00:25:08,341 --> 00:25:12,553 where an agreement has been reached to end the government shutdown. 678 00:25:12,637 --> 00:25:13,680 I'm sorry, what? 679 00:25:13,763 --> 00:25:15,556 We go live to the white house. 680 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:16,849 No, we don't. No, we... 681 00:25:16,933 --> 00:25:19,977 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm happy to say that we found a way 682 00:25:20,061 --> 00:25:23,189 to reach across the partisan divide and build a bridge. 683 00:25:23,398 --> 00:25:25,942 You gotta be kidding me! I did not authorize... 684 00:25:26,025 --> 00:25:28,861 I'd like to thank congressman Clarence Clark and his libertonians. 685 00:25:28,945 --> 00:25:30,631 - I did not approve this! - Thank you, congressman. 686 00:25:30,655 --> 00:25:32,365 (Ben laughing) 687 00:25:32,949 --> 00:25:35,034 He's pissing himself! 688 00:25:35,118 --> 00:25:36,536 Jonah: Start asking questions! 689 00:25:36,619 --> 00:25:40,248 Ooh, beat my wife with a frying pan, it's even hotter today. 690 00:25:40,331 --> 00:25:42,875 Y'all, I'm sorry that judge couldn't be here to say goodbye. 691 00:25:42,959 --> 00:25:45,646 He went off this morning on a business trip with Stewart to key west. 692 00:25:45,670 --> 00:25:47,481 Ooh, I bet he went off to one of his special holes. 693 00:25:47,505 --> 00:25:49,090 Hey, you two girls, how you doing? 694 00:25:49,173 --> 00:25:50,466 Yeah, we just cried a lot. 695 00:25:50,550 --> 00:25:51,860 - Marjorie: But we're stronger for it. - Yeah. 696 00:25:51,884 --> 00:25:53,821 I'm glad we're going in separate cars, I can tell you that. 697 00:25:53,845 --> 00:25:55,388 Imogene, thank you so much. 698 00:25:55,471 --> 00:25:58,808 Oh, you take good care of my Gary, okay? (Whispers) I want grandkids. 699 00:25:59,183 --> 00:26:00,663 Yeah, sure, you do whatever you want. 700 00:26:00,727 --> 00:26:02,037 Richard: Ma'am, you got a text from ambassador jaffar. 701 00:26:02,061 --> 00:26:05,165 He said he talked to quartie, who said, "he took to you like a hog to persimmons." 702 00:26:05,189 --> 00:26:06,399 Is that a good thing? 703 00:26:06,482 --> 00:26:07,859 Well, they cause diarrhea in hogs. 704 00:26:07,942 --> 00:26:09,026 Well, I... 705 00:26:09,110 --> 00:26:11,362 And quartie said, "all that hollering was a hoot," 706 00:26:11,446 --> 00:26:13,215 and he wants to make a large donation to the library. 707 00:26:13,239 --> 00:26:14,574 Oh, that's fantastic! 708 00:26:14,657 --> 00:26:17,660 Oh, Gary, it's just too long between visits. 709 00:26:18,619 --> 00:26:20,121 You got such a hard job. 710 00:26:20,204 --> 00:26:21,557 There's so much I wanna say to you, mama. 711 00:26:21,581 --> 00:26:22,749 Well, we just won't say it. 712 00:26:22,832 --> 00:26:25,418 Gary, it's a hundred-and-fuck degrees. Let's go! 713 00:26:25,501 --> 00:26:26,961 Come on! My god in heaven. 714 00:26:27,044 --> 00:26:29,255 Gary: I love you, mama. Selina: Take it easy, imogene. 715 00:26:35,553 --> 00:26:37,513 Are you still not talking to me? 716 00:26:38,473 --> 00:26:39,640 (Scoffs) 717 00:26:40,016 --> 00:26:42,602 Because I'm not gonna apologize, you know? 718 00:26:42,685 --> 00:26:47,023 I would if I had something to apologize for, but I don't. 719 00:26:47,106 --> 00:26:49,042 Well, I certainly don't need to apologize for anything. 720 00:26:49,066 --> 00:26:50,151 Okay. Look it. 721 00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:54,864 Politicians borrow stuff all the time. 722 00:26:54,947 --> 00:26:57,033 - Personal stories? - Absolutely. 723 00:26:57,116 --> 00:26:58,951 I mean, you should be honored 724 00:26:59,035 --> 00:27:02,205 that I would think your story was special enough 725 00:27:02,288 --> 00:27:03,831 to even consider using it. 726 00:27:03,915 --> 00:27:05,124 Did you really like it? 727 00:27:05,541 --> 00:27:08,252 It's actually... It's like what my daddy used to say. 728 00:27:08,336 --> 00:27:12,715 He used to say, "if that story was like a horse, it'd be a unicorn." 729 00:27:14,091 --> 00:27:15,968 - 'Cause it was magical. - Oh. 730 00:27:16,052 --> 00:27:17,094 - Mmm-hmm. - That's nice. 731 00:27:17,178 --> 00:27:19,889 - I mean, I did come all this way. - I know. 732 00:27:19,972 --> 00:27:22,308 You know, like, a thousand miles or something, so... 733 00:27:22,391 --> 00:27:24,727 - I know. - I wish you'd be a little more grateful. 734 00:27:24,811 --> 00:27:26,354 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 735 00:27:26,437 --> 00:27:28,147 That's okay. I accept your apology. 736 00:27:28,856 --> 00:27:30,024 Gary: Whoa. 737 00:27:30,107 --> 00:27:32,235 Selina: (Chuckling) What is this? 738 00:27:32,318 --> 00:27:33,653 It's a children's portion, too. 739 00:27:33,736 --> 00:27:34,737 - No. - Yeah. 740 00:27:34,821 --> 00:27:37,281 No wonder you had a heart attack when you were 39. 741 00:27:37,365 --> 00:27:39,283 (Both laughing) 742 00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:42,036 All right, get in there. Just tear that animal apart! 743 00:27:42,119 --> 00:27:43,371 Oh, my god. 744 00:27:43,913 --> 00:27:45,706 Gary: Mmm! Selina: Mmm. 745 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:47,458 Oh, yeah. 746 00:27:47,542 --> 00:27:49,662 - Ooh, it's kind of messy. - Oh, I'm way ahead of you. 747 00:27:50,670 --> 00:27:52,171 - Mmm! - Way ahead of you. 748 00:27:52,255 --> 00:27:53,506 - Mmm. Mmm. - Look at that. 749 00:27:53,589 --> 00:27:54,757 Thank you. 750 00:27:55,633 --> 00:27:56,676 Mmm. 751 00:27:56,759 --> 00:27:59,011 Yep. There we go. 752 00:28:00,596 --> 00:28:01,722 Selina: Mmm! 753 00:28:03,516 --> 00:28:05,601 You've got to admit, I told it better, though. 754 00:28:05,685 --> 00:28:07,270 Yeah, you did. You did. 755 00:28:07,353 --> 00:28:10,773 So, I just told the senator that that is a non-denial denial 756 00:28:10,857 --> 00:28:12,137 like in all the president's men. 757 00:28:12,191 --> 00:28:14,277 - (Cell phone vibrating) - It's, uh... sorry. 758 00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:16,487 It's got Robert redford... 759 00:28:17,655 --> 00:28:19,156 Nope, I'm not taking that one. 760 00:28:19,782 --> 00:28:20,867 All right, cool. 761 00:28:20,950 --> 00:28:23,703 I'll see you at lunch or around the office. 762 00:28:26,622 --> 00:28:27,623 Fuck.