1 00:00:06,048 --> 00:00:09,093 Amy: "Selina meyer didn't just shatter the glass ceiling." 2 00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:11,220 - Oh! - "She swept up every single shard 3 00:00:11,304 --> 00:00:15,433 "so that my daughter and your daughters will never even know it existed." 4 00:00:15,558 --> 00:00:16,976 - All: Aw! - (Laughter) 5 00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:19,228 Well, that just tickles my twat! 6 00:00:19,312 --> 00:00:23,566 Gosh, montez is actually gonna say that at my portrait unveiling in English? 7 00:00:23,649 --> 00:00:26,360 Yeah, in front of 200 of Washington's most important people. 8 00:00:26,444 --> 00:00:27,612 - Gary: Oh, man. - And Mike. 9 00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:29,947 See, Mike? That is good writing. 10 00:00:30,031 --> 00:00:31,532 Why can't you write like that? 11 00:00:31,616 --> 00:00:34,327 I'm the first to admit I'm not the world's greatest speechwriter. 12 00:00:34,410 --> 00:00:39,498 Ma'am, the white house wants us to finalize your guest list by the day after yesterday. 13 00:00:39,582 --> 00:00:40,642 - Selina: Okay. - So, today. 14 00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:42,269 - That's a bit of a brain twister. - It's a hot ticket. 15 00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:43,836 Uh, what about congressman Jonah Ryan? 16 00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:44,962 (Laughing) 17 00:00:45,129 --> 00:00:46,589 (All laughing) 18 00:00:48,424 --> 00:00:50,593 Richard, you have such a good sense of humor. 19 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:51,844 Thank you. 20 00:00:51,928 --> 00:00:53,947 - Amy, you should take a cue from him, really. - Mike: Ma'am? 21 00:00:53,971 --> 00:00:56,283 - Selina: Yes. Oh! - Greg morehouse is here for our meeting. 22 00:00:56,307 --> 00:00:57,642 - He's your editor. - I know that. 23 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:58,976 Hey, Greg. 24 00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:01,520 Can we get you some coffee or some tea or... 25 00:01:01,604 --> 00:01:05,066 - Do you have some bai hao white tip? - I do. (Chuckles) 26 00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:10,404 Oh! Well, there you go. Uh... So, what did you think of the manuscript? 27 00:01:10,488 --> 00:01:13,324 - It's rough, of course, but... - I think it's really interesting. 28 00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:14,968 - Oh, I'm so happy. - (Exhales in relief) 29 00:01:14,992 --> 00:01:17,411 - The dad and the horse. - I know, right? Well... 30 00:01:17,495 --> 00:01:18,972 - There's just one little thing. - Selina: Sure. 31 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:21,832 We do need a bit more of the presidency in there. 32 00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:24,585 I mean, the book ends with you going off to college. 33 00:01:24,669 --> 00:01:30,633 That's right, yes, and the presidential stuff will be in volume two, meyerascendant. 34 00:01:30,716 --> 00:01:32,426 - And three, the meyer year. - Yes. 35 00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:33,594 Greg: I get that, 36 00:01:33,678 --> 00:01:35,572 - and if you wanna stick with this book as is... - Selina: Yes. 37 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,306 - I completely understand. - Great. 38 00:01:37,390 --> 00:01:38,742 We're just gonna need our advance back. 39 00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,685 - There was an advance? - Quiet, quiet. 40 00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,145 (Theme music playing) 41 00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:48,150 And, uh, Moses led his people to the land of? 42 00:01:48,234 --> 00:01:49,527 - Hanukkah. - Canaan, rabbi. 43 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:50,653 Shut up, nikhil. 44 00:01:50,945 --> 00:01:53,948 - This stupid hat is too small for my head. - Yarmulke. 45 00:01:54,031 --> 00:01:56,200 Fine, this stupid hat is too small for my yarmulke. 46 00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:57,618 Rabbi: It's okay, Jonah. 47 00:01:57,702 --> 00:02:01,205 Conversion to judaism is about a commitment to the Jewish lifestyle. 48 00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:03,684 Oh, good, 'cause all this learning is giving me a yarmulke-ache. 49 00:02:03,708 --> 00:02:08,796 Just to remind everybody that next week, we'll be rededicating the sanctuary. 50 00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:10,439 Sorry, I have to go to the white house. 51 00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:12,300 - President meyer's unveiling. - Rabbi: Okay. 52 00:02:12,383 --> 00:02:14,927 Uh, the final invitation list went out, and you're not on it. 53 00:02:15,011 --> 00:02:16,679 Oh, Jesus Christ! 54 00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:19,242 I'm sorry, I can say that now and still get into heaven, right? 55 00:02:19,307 --> 00:02:21,517 Actually, Jonah, Jews don't believe in heaven. 56 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,811 Shut the fuck up, nikhil! 57 00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:26,063 Wait, shawnee, how am I gonna see my dog again? 58 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,566 Is there like a Jew place for dogs? 59 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,800 Selina: All right, Mike, we got 30 days to write a new draft. 60 00:02:31,861 --> 00:02:33,738 Get out that diary, pick a day, and let's go. 61 00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:36,824 - June 14th. Ooh, chock-full. - Oh, goody! Great. Go. 62 00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:40,411 "Briefing on infrastructure bill, clutch with Wichita notary group, 63 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:44,081 "review on legislative conference regarding pharmaceutical labeling." 64 00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:45,833 (Exhales) We're fucked. 65 00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:47,585 I don't even remember any of that. 66 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,004 Well, some things are so dull, you have to block them out. 67 00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:52,232 No kidding. I mean, I'm sure that I played with Catherine 68 00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:53,317 - when she was a child... - (Door closes) 69 00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:56,385 But for the life of me, I can't remember one second. 70 00:02:56,469 --> 00:02:58,346 - Oh, and there she is. - Hey. 71 00:02:58,429 --> 00:03:00,848 Mom, we had a great wellness check at the doctor's today. 72 00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:03,934 - So, is it a boy, is it a girl? - Oh, right. 73 00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:05,770 - It's a baby. - No. 74 00:03:05,936 --> 00:03:07,480 - Mmm-mmm. - We're not doing that. 75 00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:09,148 No, mom, we don't wanna know. 76 00:03:09,231 --> 00:03:14,070 Catherine, you are not going to be coy or twee about the sex of my grandchild. 77 00:03:14,153 --> 00:03:16,530 This is a human being you're making, 78 00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:20,201 not some Brooklyn-based, artisanal chocolate bar. 79 00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:21,952 Birth gender isn't even that relevant. 80 00:03:22,036 --> 00:03:25,122 She/he will decide her/his ideal gender when she/he is/are ready. 81 00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:27,124 Okay. Is that how we're talking now, Marjorie, 82 00:03:27,208 --> 00:03:30,127 like some sort of bi-curious porky pig? 83 00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:32,463 (Imitates stammering) I'm not doing that. 84 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,757 I had an aunt who transitioned twice. 85 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,133 She was trapped inside a man, 86 00:03:36,217 --> 00:03:38,111 and then that man was trapped inside of another woman. 87 00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,470 - Oh, like a turducken. - Mmm-hmm. 88 00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,031 - Mom, it's not that big of a deal. - Selina: Yes, it is. 89 00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:42,723 We have baby names picked out either way. 90 00:03:42,807 --> 00:03:44,642 Yes, "Leslie" or "Dana" if it's a boy and... 91 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,769 - And for a girl we like "Linus". - Seriously? 92 00:03:46,852 --> 00:03:48,813 - Okay. That feels like child abuse. - Yes. 93 00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:49,897 Okay, I can't. 94 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,315 Can you just go away, Catherine? 95 00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:52,626 That's fine. We're late anyway. 96 00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:55,277 Richard has doula class and we're bringing the snacks. 97 00:03:55,361 --> 00:03:57,905 - What? - It'll be my first human birth, so... 98 00:03:57,988 --> 00:03:59,633 - What is happening? - (Chuckling) What is happening? 99 00:03:59,657 --> 00:04:01,492 - It just... - Gender is simple. 100 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:04,203 - Right. Well. - You're a girl, I'm a boy. 101 00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:06,080 Hey, what about some of that lezzy stuff? 102 00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:07,474 You think that would spice up the book? 103 00:04:07,498 --> 00:04:10,292 Catherine's forbidden affair with your secret service agent? 104 00:04:10,376 --> 00:04:12,312 Yeah, but, I mean, does anybody really give a shit 105 00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:14,296 about two average-looking lesbians? 106 00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:15,840 - I don't mind them. - Gary: Ugh. 107 00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:18,759 I'll tell you one thing people would flip out about. 108 00:04:21,262 --> 00:04:23,055 - A book about my sex life. - (Chuckles) 109 00:04:23,139 --> 00:04:25,599 Seriously. I mean, obviously, we can't do that. 110 00:04:25,683 --> 00:04:27,184 Yeah, you can't do that. 111 00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:28,602 Really? Why can't we? 112 00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:29,728 You can do that. 113 00:04:29,812 --> 00:04:32,857 - I mean, that book would fly off the shelves. - Gary: Fly. 114 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:36,026 People would pay whatever it is a book costs, you know? 115 00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:38,529 And everybody knows that I dated Charlie baird. 116 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:39,864 Aw, Charlie. 117 00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,707 But there's somebody else that I slept with. 118 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:44,118 Somebody that I worked with closely. 119 00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:47,204 All due respect, ma'am, we all knew you were, uh... 120 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:49,707 - (Imitates bed creaking) With Kent. - Kent? 121 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,250 My snatch isn't a data port! 122 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:52,519 - What are you talking about? - (Gary laughs) 123 00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:54,879 I slept with Tom James. 124 00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:55,963 Whoa. 125 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,632 - No. - In the white-hot white house. 126 00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:00,801 In the oval with your running mate? 127 00:05:00,885 --> 00:05:01,886 On a couch. 128 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,721 Ma'am, we have a bestseller! 129 00:05:03,888 --> 00:05:05,055 (Gary and Mike chuckling) 130 00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:06,807 I mean, it was the green room, but... 131 00:05:06,891 --> 00:05:08,142 What? How do you know that? 132 00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:10,478 You... you said it was at the congressional ball. 133 00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:12,122 - Oh, did I say that? - I think so. Mmm-hmm. 134 00:05:12,146 --> 00:05:14,231 - Did I? Oh. - Ma'am, we got gold. Gold! 135 00:05:14,315 --> 00:05:15,834 Do you think I should give him a call? 136 00:05:15,858 --> 00:05:17,502 - That's a classy move. - Gary: Yeah, I'll get his number. 137 00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:19,987 Right. Or I could go and I could see him in person. 138 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:21,882 - No, no, no. - You want me to go with? I can take notes. 139 00:05:21,906 --> 00:05:23,949 - Yes, yes, yes. - No. Mmm-mmm. 140 00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,869 Announcer: It's the new CBS this morning. 141 00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:29,163 Welcome to the new CBS this morning. 142 00:05:29,246 --> 00:05:31,165 - I'm Dan egan. - And I'm brie ramachandran. 143 00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:33,250 Jane McCabe is on special assignment. 144 00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:35,061 We start our day in the state of New Hampshire 145 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,147 where hurricane Chloe has taken a turn for the deadly. 146 00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:38,589 So boring. 147 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,342 God, how can anybodyjerk off to her with him sitting right there? 148 00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,177 I'm sure you'll find a way, congressman. 149 00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:46,347 The ethics committee is debating ending its probe 150 00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:49,016 into representative lawler's nantucket trip. 151 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:53,187 You will vote yes despite the strong evidence of cocaine use and reckless boating. 152 00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,605 That guy knows how to party. 153 00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,488 Then Tuesday, you have the white house meeting 154 00:05:56,524 --> 00:05:57,775 on raising the debt ceiling. 155 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,338 Unless they try to kick it down the road for a couple of months 156 00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:02,112 and hope we get hit by an asteroid. 157 00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:03,882 Are you listening to anything we're saying? 158 00:06:03,906 --> 00:06:07,451 Yeah. Cocaine, boating, asteroids, whatever. 159 00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:09,387 Did you guys get invited to this unveiling thing? 160 00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:11,598 - Naturally. - How come you guys got invited and I didn't? 161 00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:15,042 Because we worked for the president and didn't cost her the presidency. 162 00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,294 And because we don't look like Herman munster's brother 163 00:06:17,378 --> 00:06:19,713 who liked to molest that pudgy werewolf kid. 164 00:06:19,797 --> 00:06:21,632 Charlie, also played by Fred gwynne. 165 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,551 Season 1, episode 9. 166 00:06:23,634 --> 00:06:24,778 Kent, can I have your plus-one? 167 00:06:24,802 --> 00:06:26,804 No, I'm bringing myjai alai instructor. 168 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:27,972 - Female... - Ish. 169 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,115 Ben, what about your plus-one? 170 00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:30,933 Well, iwork for you, I don't date you. 171 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:32,601 Maybe I'm gonna go hire some women, 172 00:06:32,685 --> 00:06:34,525 - and I'm gonna make them date me. - Kent: Mmm. 173 00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:39,483 And tomorrow, a sex offender registry for dogs. 174 00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,068 - It's about time. - Mmm-hmm. 175 00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:43,237 Until then, I'm brie ramachandran. 176 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,406 And I'm Dan egan, bringing you your morning 177 00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,408 every morning of every day 178 00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:49,076 for many mornings to come. 179 00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:50,494 And we are clear. 180 00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:51,912 Great show, people. 181 00:06:51,996 --> 00:06:54,266 - What about that new sign-off? - You sound like a scientologist. 182 00:06:54,290 --> 00:06:55,374 - Really? - Kind of. 183 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:56,518 Can I talk to you for a second... 184 00:06:56,542 --> 00:06:57,727 - Actually, both of you, in here? - Brie: Yeah, yeah. 185 00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,647 So, we got the results back from the first testing of the new host pairing. 186 00:07:00,671 --> 00:07:01,731 - Brie: Oh, nice. - Oh, good! 187 00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,924 And something interesting jumps out from the data, 188 00:07:04,008 --> 00:07:07,344 which is people say that you two "don't have any chemistry," 189 00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:10,014 which is their words, not mine, but also mine. 190 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,641 (Stammers) I've never not had chemistry with a woman. 191 00:07:12,725 --> 00:07:14,685 People like the energy that you and Jane had. 192 00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,854 It was this raw, sexual vibe because you two were... 193 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,439 Oh, Jesus, we were not fucking! 194 00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:20,083 Okay, going down on each other, whatever. 195 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:21,167 - I don't wanna know. - Oh, my god. 196 00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:22,234 Dan: Jesus Christ. 197 00:07:22,318 --> 00:07:24,403 The point is people find you two cold together. 198 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:28,365 - But I... i'm... i'm... I'm actually fucking her. - Dan! 199 00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:29,992 And aren't you engaged to a yankee? 200 00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:32,411 Yeah, I am. That's why I told you not to tell anybody. 201 00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:33,621 Oh, that's sweet. 202 00:07:33,704 --> 00:07:34,788 Look, Dan, brie, 203 00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:36,516 you two don't have to make up this crazy story 204 00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:37,833 about you two fucking. 205 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,156 We're not making this up, okay? 206 00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:40,961 - We are fucking. - Like, a lot. 207 00:07:41,045 --> 00:07:42,772 Maybe you two should fuck differently, then. I don't know. 208 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,107 That's where I draw the line, man. 209 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,591 I don't take notes on how I fuck. 210 00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:47,354 I, however... I am willing to do anything, 211 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:50,137 because I cannot lose this job, not before my wedding. 212 00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,806 Um, also, just a little thing here... 213 00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:54,451 - People don't like you in yellow. - Okay. 214 00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:55,851 Dan: See? Told you. 215 00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:58,979 Jesus Christ, Tom. What is this? 216 00:07:59,063 --> 00:08:00,230 This is, uh, just temporary. 217 00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:01,958 We're moving into the big office next month. 218 00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,817 Oh, good, yeah. I was feeling cramped. 219 00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:04,902 (Both chuckling) 220 00:08:05,069 --> 00:08:06,320 Tom: My goodness, look at you. 221 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:07,946 You keeping busy? 222 00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:10,741 I am. Yeah, I made a deal to write a book, as a matter of fact. 223 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,327 Well, that's funny because I did, too. 224 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:16,455 Yes, I wrote a blurb for your upcoming Tome. 225 00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:18,308 - Of course you did. I mean... yes. - Sight unseen. 226 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:19,976 - Right, right. - Yeah, what is... the title is, 227 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,120 investing with a conscience? 228 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,503 "Conscience," yes. 229 00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:24,004 So, it's Sci-Fi? 230 00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:26,215 Just trying to keep the lights on. 231 00:08:26,298 --> 00:08:27,424 (Laughing) Yeah. 232 00:08:27,508 --> 00:08:28,735 Well, the book that I'm writing, 233 00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:29,986 I wanted to give you a heads-up 234 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,013 'cause I was toying with the notion of... 235 00:08:33,097 --> 00:08:35,474 Of perhaps mentioning our... 236 00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:37,768 Our little encounter. 237 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:38,995 - Selina, there's... - And I think that you... 238 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,330 - I'm sorry to interrupt. - No, that's all right. 239 00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:41,623 But there's something I wanted to say. 240 00:08:41,647 --> 00:08:44,858 You know, you did me the honor of choosing me as your running mate... 241 00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:47,778 - Mmm-hmm. - And I repaid that honor with betrayal. 242 00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,115 - Yeah. - You know, I... I... 243 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:54,660 I guess my ego allowed me to believe that folksy, old Tom James 244 00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:56,620 was above all that beltway horseshit. 245 00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:57,972 And then in the end, I just turned out 246 00:08:57,996 --> 00:09:00,708 to be another bluebottle fly 247 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:04,920 feeding on a heaping mouthful of seabiscuit's finest. 248 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:07,297 Wow! 249 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:10,050 - I didn't come here to ask for an apology... - No. 250 00:09:10,134 --> 00:09:11,695 But I certainly appreciate getting one from you. 251 00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:12,803 Well, you deserve it. 252 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,365 If it makes you feel any better, if I was in your shoes, 253 00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:18,058 I probably would've tried to steal the presidency, too. 254 00:09:18,142 --> 00:09:19,244 Well, that's what made the two of us 255 00:09:19,268 --> 00:09:20,686 such a beatable combination. 256 00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,521 Yeah. (Chuckles) 257 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,774 Selina, I beg you, please don't do this. 258 00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:28,610 - Oh. - I have a new life, I have a new wife. 259 00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:32,072 And we are expecting our first child. 260 00:09:32,156 --> 00:09:33,383 - Congratulations. - And she's... thank you. 261 00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,047 And she would be dialing a divorce lawyer 262 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,303 if she ever thought that you and I had swapped more than, 263 00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:38,871 you know, appreciative memos. 264 00:09:38,954 --> 00:09:39,997 You understand that? 265 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,123 I do. 266 00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:42,624 Well, I guess, 267 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:47,212 I will have to think outside my box. 268 00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,298 (Both chuckling) 269 00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:50,549 Right. 270 00:09:51,842 --> 00:09:53,010 Oh, my god, 271 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,511 why did I have to fuck 272 00:09:54,595 --> 00:09:58,015 the last remaining gentleman in Washington? God! 273 00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,658 Who said that? Was that dolley Madison? 274 00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:01,602 It was James Madison. 275 00:10:01,685 --> 00:10:02,895 Okay, Mike, get up. 276 00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,688 - So, how'd it go? - (Exhales) 277 00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:07,483 Well, he just begged me not to put it in. 278 00:10:07,566 --> 00:10:08,942 So, none of it goes in the book? 279 00:10:09,026 --> 00:10:10,652 - No, it all goes in. - Good. 280 00:10:12,321 --> 00:10:14,507 Montez: With regards to the debt ceiling, I think we can all agree 281 00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:16,366 that none of us wants to play politics 282 00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:18,952 with the full faith and credit of the United States. 283 00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:20,847 - Marwood: Hmm. - I brought you here face-to-face to find us a... 284 00:10:20,871 --> 00:10:22,831 Hey, did you get invited to the meyer unveiling? 285 00:10:22,915 --> 00:10:25,125 Everyone was, unless you're a mole person 286 00:10:25,209 --> 00:10:28,670 who was cast out of his underground society for keistering sewer rats. 287 00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:30,214 Well, I wasn't invited. 288 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:31,882 - I know. - Roger? 289 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,385 Madam president, my extremist colleagues on the other side of the aisle 290 00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,638 havelaunched a full-fledged and savage attack 291 00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:40,390 against the poor and disadvantaged of this country. 292 00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:44,895 You are addicted to spending like the proverbial drunken sailor. 293 00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:47,022 Okay, that part's done. 294 00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,525 I can give you a freeze on the rate of increase on afdc 295 00:10:49,608 --> 00:10:51,360 and all of the head start cuts, 296 00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:53,129 - but no dice on medicare. - I can live with that. 297 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,405 All right, gentlemen, let's get this passed tomorrow. 298 00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,909 Uh, excuse me, Ms. Caruso, due to some oversight, 299 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,787 I did not receive my invite to the unveiling ceremony. 300 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:04,081 I suggest you ask someone from president meyer's team. 301 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,309 - Candi, are you all right? - Jonah: Of course, she's all right. 302 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,335 Why are women always checking in on one another 303 00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:09,670 when I am talking to them? 304 00:11:10,254 --> 00:11:12,089 Ma'am, I would appreciate it very much 305 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,258 if I could have an invite to the unveiling thing. 306 00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,260 That is president meyer's invitation list. 307 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,679 It is her fiesta, as you would say. 308 00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:22,808 Okay. Well, it's your casa white-o, as you would say. 309 00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:24,685 Madam president, are you all right? 310 00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,019 Oh, for god's sakes. 311 00:11:26,103 --> 00:11:27,813 You haven't heard the last of Jonah Ryan. 312 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,691 Okay, jeffersons, sit down. 313 00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:32,585 The black caucus gets this room back in 20 minutes. 314 00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:34,194 I do not wanna piss those guys off. 315 00:11:34,278 --> 00:11:35,779 Oh, we were talking about the name, 316 00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:39,074 and cherry tree choppers sounds a lot more legitimate. 317 00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:41,094 - (Guests agreeing) - No! We already picked a name. 318 00:11:41,118 --> 00:11:42,786 We're the jeffersons, period. 319 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:44,305 - How about the rough riders? - All: Yeah. 320 00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:46,623 - Oh, fuck, that's good! - (Excited chattering) 321 00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:49,209 No, we're already known as the jeffersons, okay? 322 00:11:49,293 --> 00:11:51,295 And right now, we need to do something, 323 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:55,340 something big that makes montez really pay attention to us. 324 00:11:55,674 --> 00:11:57,843 Something like ending daylight savings time. 325 00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:00,053 - All: Yes. - Something like ending government waste. 326 00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:01,930 - All: Yeah. - Cutting aid to Israel! 327 00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:03,140 Jonah: Whoa, no! 328 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,850 We're not gonna do that. Are you crazy? 329 00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:06,727 - Cutting aid to veterans. - Great! 330 00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,729 - They volunteered, right? - Clark: Yeah, yeah. 331 00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:10,564 We're gonna do all these things, 332 00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:13,609 and we're gonna get invited to that unveiling. Who's with me? 333 00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:15,861 - All: Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! 334 00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:18,238 - (Applause) - Wait, you weren't invited? 335 00:12:18,322 --> 00:12:19,990 - No. Were you? - Yeah. 336 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,913 - Oh, for Christ's sake. - (Indistinct chatter) 337 00:12:23,869 --> 00:12:26,705 Why do you keep saying Tom James and I "made love"? 338 00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:29,416 - Are you a 15-year-old girl? - No. 339 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:30,834 - Richard! - Richard: Yes, ma'am? 340 00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:32,979 Selina: I want you to get my editor on the phone, okay? 341 00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:35,756 No, see, you gotta find a different word than "screwed." 342 00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:38,151 It's just hard to come up with so many different ways to curse. 343 00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:39,485 Richard: Please hold for president meyer. 344 00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:41,428 I've got Greg morehouse for you, ma'am. 345 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:42,596 Mmm. Greg? 346 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:43,764 Hello! 347 00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:47,017 Okay, so I have got a white house book 348 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:50,604 that is hotter than Nancy Reagan's guide to cock sucking. 349 00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:51,855 I kid you not. 350 00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:53,106 You are gonna be so pleased! 351 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,527 Oh, right. 352 00:12:57,903 --> 00:12:59,923 (Snaps fingers) Richard, go and turn on CBS right now. 353 00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:01,239 I'll call you back. 354 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:03,200 Hey, Tom James is on TV. 355 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,493 Oh, he looks good. 356 00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:07,454 That's the reason I've always said that selina meyer's political acumen 357 00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:09,373 is sharp as any you'll find in Washington. 358 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,124 What's wrong with that? My goodness. 359 00:13:11,208 --> 00:13:15,379 Even so, I did not expect to find myself on a couch in the green room 360 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,631 at the white house, um... 361 00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:20,509 - Having sex with president selina meyer. - Right. 362 00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:21,718 - Dan: Tom James... - Oh, my. 363 00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:23,696 Who is telling us about the explosive revelations 364 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,931 in his book investing with a conscience, 365 00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:28,266 excerpted in this month's vanity fair. 366 00:13:28,350 --> 00:13:29,476 Vanity fair? 367 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:31,520 Mike, how did we not know about this? 368 00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:32,980 They called me a couple months ago 369 00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:35,500 and I thought they were trying to get me to renew my prescription. 370 00:13:35,524 --> 00:13:36,817 "Subscription"! 371 00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:39,653 I 'd always looked up to president meyer as something of a mentor. 372 00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,238 She's a year older than me. 373 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:44,491 - (Gasps) Okay, that is a fucking lie. - (Gary gasps) No. 374 00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,134 I mean, where's the follow-up question? 375 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,828 - This is disinformation! - Yeah. 376 00:13:47,911 --> 00:13:51,790 Now, senator, was president meyer the aggressor? 377 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,583 Your word, not mine. 378 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:54,960 But again, yes. 379 00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:56,795 (Scoffs) I didn't rape him. 380 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,255 (Exclaims) He wishes. 381 00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:00,924 Ma'am, I think he's talking about you. 382 00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:03,010 Dan: My guest has been Tom James. 383 00:14:03,552 --> 00:14:05,637 The book is investing with a conscience. 384 00:14:05,721 --> 00:14:08,682 I can't believe I said that steaming turd of a book 385 00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,350 was "a refreshing take on wall street 386 00:14:10,434 --> 00:14:12,436 "aimed at your conscience and your funny bone." 387 00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:13,854 Hey, you used my blurb. 388 00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:15,605 Oh, quiet up, Mike. 389 00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:19,860 Gary, call the white house 390 00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:23,280 and tell them to cancel that stupid portrait thing, 391 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,615 - 'cause I don't wanna go. - What are you talking about? 392 00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:28,118 - You have to go. - I just can't take this, you know? 393 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,453 I've taken the rest of it. 394 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,204 I took the election loss, 395 00:14:31,288 --> 00:14:33,457 I took Andrew's infidelity, 396 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:36,710 - Catherine's Catherine-ness, okay? - Gary: Mmm-hmm. 397 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:39,546 But this, I cannot take. 398 00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:42,758 Listen to me, Tom is a weak man. 399 00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:44,193 It wasn't even that good, I gotta tell you. 400 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,553 Oh, please give me the permission 401 00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:48,930 to tell that to his face tomorrow. Please, I beg you. 402 00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:52,225 Oh, my god, right. I forgot Tom is gonna be there. 403 00:14:52,476 --> 00:14:55,062 - (Gary groans) - This is like black history month. 404 00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:56,813 It never fucking ends. 405 00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:58,982 Do you want me to 69 him? 406 00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:02,402 - Oh, 86. - Yeah. 407 00:15:02,486 --> 00:15:04,654 No, because then it just becomes this thing. 408 00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:06,883 Okay, what about the speech? What about the speech, all right? 409 00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:11,203 President montez is giving that amazing speech about you. 410 00:15:11,286 --> 00:15:14,498 And I asked them to use the Jackie Kennedy crystal service. 411 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,124 - Really? - Yep. 412 00:15:16,792 --> 00:15:20,337 Nobody since Jackie has given as much for their country as you. 413 00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:21,922 That is true. 414 00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:23,399 If Jackie Kennedy can go through the day 415 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:24,817 with her husband's philandering brains 416 00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,760 all over her dress and her head held high, 417 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,762 looking stunning... 418 00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:30,656 Even though they made her ride around in a convertible 419 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,265 like an animal, I might add... 420 00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:34,851 You can go to the white house tomorrow 421 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,853 and forget all about those 15 minutes 422 00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:39,564 where he couldn't even unzip the back of your dress. 423 00:15:39,648 --> 00:15:41,566 Wait a minute, what? How do you know that? 424 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,028 It was in Mike's notes. 425 00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:46,738 Oh, right. 426 00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:51,284 - Okay, fine, I'll go. - (Sighs) 427 00:15:51,535 --> 00:15:54,287 - Okay? But I am not gonna have a good time. - It's okay. It's okay. 428 00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:57,958 And if one person mentions Tom James to me, 429 00:15:58,041 --> 00:15:59,960 I'm gonna go piss in that punch bowl. 430 00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:01,646 This country doesn't deserve you. 431 00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:02,754 I know it. 432 00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:06,299 Voting closes in five minutes 433 00:16:06,383 --> 00:16:07,634 and we're still missing votes. 434 00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:09,553 Well, well, well, sorry, boys, 435 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,304 no votes today on legalizing 436 00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,515 tiny fleshlights for micro-wangs. 437 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:14,724 Except for you, gellardi. 438 00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:18,478 I'd wager it takes a whole roll of duct tape to strap down your hog of a cock. 439 00:16:18,562 --> 00:16:21,314 For your information, we're called the jeffersons, probably, 440 00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:23,692 and we're here to shove some Liberty up america's ass. 441 00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:25,861 If you'll excuse me, Roger, I'm gonna whip it out. 442 00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:28,238 Madam clerk, representative gellardi 443 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:32,576 - votes no on hr 2970. - Woman: Recorded. 444 00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:37,247 Madam clerk, representative Clark votes no on hr 2970. 445 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,166 This was a done deal. 446 00:16:39,249 --> 00:16:42,085 Now look what you did, you writhing, piss-filled skin twizzler. 447 00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,254 You made speaker mannood run all the way down here. 448 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,965 Now the clots in his legs are gonna rush to his brain. 449 00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:49,676 Maybe you were too busy biting James Bond's 450 00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:52,095 cable car wire to realize, 451 00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:53,847 but if we don't raise the debt ceiling, 452 00:16:53,930 --> 00:16:57,058 america's financial system is gonna go belly-up, like what, will? 453 00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:58,268 Like my labradoodle, Teddy, 454 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,062 when I cover his cock in honey and give him a sticky iicky. 455 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,898 - No, bad! - Look at me. (Whistles) 456 00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:06,776 You could shut down the government. 457 00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:10,405 Well, maybe the government needs to be shut down because it's broken. 458 00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,758 Oh, and when something's broken, you shut it down, 459 00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:15,076 and then you turn it back on again like with a router. 460 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,013 And if they didn't want me to shut down the government, 461 00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:19,789 then maybe they should've invited me to the meyer unveiling. 462 00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:21,875 Do you even know what an unveiling ceremony is? 463 00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:25,170 Look, whether I know what an unveiling is or is not 464 00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,379 is not the point. 465 00:17:26,463 --> 00:17:28,465 - The point is principles. - My god. 466 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:31,843 Just call off your morons, congressman. 467 00:17:31,927 --> 00:17:34,012 My morons are voting no. 468 00:17:34,221 --> 00:17:35,847 (People murmuring) 469 00:17:37,641 --> 00:17:41,102 Madam clerk, on hr 2970, 470 00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,980 congressman Ryan votes no. 471 00:17:44,189 --> 00:17:46,107 - (People murmuring) - Lights out! 472 00:17:46,650 --> 00:17:48,610 (Jeffersons chanting) Lights out! Lights out! 473 00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:51,863 Lights out! Lights out! Lights out! 474 00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:54,407 Selina: Ooh, here we are. 475 00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:55,825 Look at this place. 476 00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:57,220 - It is such a dump, isn't it? - Gary: Yeah. 477 00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,004 Although, I have to admit I sort of miss it. 478 00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,789 Aw, and it misses you, too. 479 00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:02,332 The one who got away. 480 00:18:02,666 --> 00:18:05,460 And now she's back for her big day. (Chuckles) 481 00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:07,587 - Are you wearing makeup? - No. 482 00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:08,797 Yeah. 483 00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:10,173 Madam president. 484 00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,217 - It is so lovely to see you again. - Aw. 485 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:14,177 - My daughter misses you. - Thank you... 486 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:15,655 I have no idea what these people's names are. 487 00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:17,347 - So much. - Ma'am. 488 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:20,100 I know one thing, she's the one who put my sweater in the dryer. 489 00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:21,601 - (Gasps) Yes. - Right. 490 00:18:21,685 --> 00:18:22,852 Madam president, 491 00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:24,379 we've sure missed you around here. 492 00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:25,730 Oh, thank you... 493 00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,649 - Fnend. - _fnend. 494 00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:31,486 - Where are you taking the Jackie crystal? - Such a shame. 495 00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:32,755 - Okay. - What's happening right now? 496 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,030 What are those, chips? 497 00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:35,674 Gary: Why is there coke zero behind us? 498 00:18:35,699 --> 00:18:37,701 Ma'am, your guests will arrive in a half hour. 499 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,262 And they set up the blue room for your use. 500 00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:41,413 What is this Dixie cup shit show? 501 00:18:41,538 --> 00:18:44,249 It's like we teleported to post-Katrina Mississippi. 502 00:18:44,374 --> 00:18:45,768 Gary: (Chuckles) I know! There's no tablecloths. 503 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,670 Montez is really taking this Mexican thing too far. 504 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,422 - Morning, ma'am. - Hey, what is this? 505 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:54,342 Well, as of a few minutes ago, Jonah and his merry band ofjizz huffers 506 00:18:54,426 --> 00:18:57,012 drove their short bus right into the debt ceiling vote 507 00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:58,930 and t-boned the entire us economy. 508 00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:00,265 Treasury secretary baird 509 00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,118 - ordered a full government shutdown. - Shutdown. 510 00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:05,162 All nonessential white house staff have been furloughed, starting immediately. 511 00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:06,229 Selina: Yeah. Okay. 512 00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:08,148 - Hey, mom, everyone. - Did we miss it? 513 00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:10,150 Selina: No, I'm afraid not. 514 00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:13,028 You know, there's not even a punch bowl for me to piss in here. 515 00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:16,573 Marjorie, Catherine, congratulations are in order. 516 00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:17,741 Oh, right. 517 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:20,327 Thank you. We just hit the 12-week Mark. 518 00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:23,371 It's a boy. 519 00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,253 (Indistinct chatter) 520 00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:31,963 - Congressman furlong. - Brookheimer! 521 00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:34,215 - Mmm-hmm. - Got your dong of a resume. (Chuckles) 522 00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:37,177 I know you'd chew your own arm off to escape being handcuffed 523 00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:40,347 to meyer's overly toned corpse and her dungeon of losers, 524 00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:42,349 but I had to go in another direction. 525 00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:44,851 - Tell her why, will. - Uh, you're stronger than me, 526 00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:47,145 and you have a higher reserve of dignity and self-worth. 527 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,147 And I'm trapped in a cycle of abuse. 528 00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:50,523 Roger: Better luck next time. 529 00:19:50,607 --> 00:19:52,233 Hey, fuckleberry Finn! 530 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,402 Christ, you got old. 531 00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:56,946 You wanna work for that guy? 532 00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:58,114 I really do. 533 00:19:58,615 --> 00:20:00,283 - Tom! Hi! - Madam president. 534 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,951 - What are you doing here? - (Chuckling) 535 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,287 Can I have a private word with you? 536 00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:07,165 Would that be all right, or are you afraid that I'll rape you again? 537 00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:09,000 - Well... - (Chuckles) 538 00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:10,770 - Well, sure... all right. - Come, come, yes, yes. 539 00:20:10,794 --> 00:20:12,104 Woman: Madam president, we miss you. 540 00:20:12,128 --> 00:20:13,838 Hi. Yeah, so good to see you, too. 541 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:18,134 I can't believe that I gave you a goddamn blurb. 542 00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:20,512 - Why, Tom? Why did you do that? - Come on, selina. 543 00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:23,348 For Christ's sake, we both know how the game is played. 544 00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:25,475 I came to you in good faith and I asked. 545 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:26,559 Well, I... 546 00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:28,311 I did the classy thing. 547 00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:30,539 Come on, we both know you were gonna go ahead and do it anyway. 548 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:34,567 Of course I was, but I had the courtesy to seem like I might not. 549 00:20:34,818 --> 00:20:37,028 And then with that TV appearance... 550 00:20:37,195 --> 00:20:39,447 Me, the aggressor? What is that? 551 00:20:39,531 --> 00:20:42,117 That is sick, sociopathic shit. 552 00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:44,327 I'm worried about you. I think you need help. 553 00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:46,663 - I need help? Oh, please. - Absolutely. I... 554 00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:49,040 You've got more issues than national geographic. 555 00:20:49,249 --> 00:20:51,376 What's going on here? I don't understand. 556 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:54,421 - Did I do something to deserve this? - No, no! 557 00:20:54,504 --> 00:20:56,005 You did nothing. 558 00:20:57,090 --> 00:20:58,341 Wait a minute, what was that? 559 00:20:59,092 --> 00:21:01,511 Did I hurt your feelings because I, what, 560 00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:04,556 - because I didn't call you aftennards? - Oh, that is just so stupid. 561 00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:05,882 - And I would've said... - Oh. 562 00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:08,172 The same thing to you a year ago if you had called me. 563 00:21:09,352 --> 00:21:11,563 So, you did want me to call. 564 00:21:11,813 --> 00:21:13,273 (Mocking) Oh, oh... 565 00:21:13,648 --> 00:21:15,233 Poor Tommy. 566 00:21:15,316 --> 00:21:17,360 He wanted me to call him aftennards. 567 00:21:17,444 --> 00:21:18,903 Oh, shut the fuck up! 568 00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:24,492 (Selina inhales) 569 00:21:25,869 --> 00:21:28,371 Sorry, I should not have raised my voice like that. 570 00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:30,415 Madam president, 571 00:21:30,707 --> 00:21:32,834 thank you for inviting us to your unveiling. 572 00:21:32,959 --> 00:21:34,711 My wife is a huge fan. 573 00:21:35,545 --> 00:21:36,546 (Chuckles) 574 00:21:38,798 --> 00:21:42,010 Yeah. Well, you know what, you can have your trophy wife, 575 00:21:42,385 --> 00:21:44,804 and your trophy office and your trophy baby, 576 00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:48,141 who you won't even live to see go to college. 577 00:21:48,391 --> 00:21:49,893 But I still got to be president, 578 00:21:50,226 --> 00:21:52,520 and, (clicks tongue) You never will. 579 00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:53,938 (Chuckles) 580 00:21:57,066 --> 00:21:59,736 Oh, I was looking for you. They're waiting for you to begin. 581 00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:00,987 I swear to god, 582 00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:04,157 - Tom James just wanted to fuck me right now. - What? 583 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:05,575 Yeah, we had a real moment. 584 00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:07,577 But he's too much of a pussy to go for my pussy. 585 00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:09,138 Okay. Well, that's probably for the best. 586 00:22:09,162 --> 00:22:10,580 He's not gonna get away with that. 587 00:22:10,663 --> 00:22:12,063 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, ma'am. 588 00:22:12,499 --> 00:22:14,751 I'm back. What the hell was that? 589 00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:16,669 You really wanted me, didn't you? 590 00:22:16,753 --> 00:22:19,756 There were sparks practically flying out of your dick. 591 00:22:19,839 --> 00:22:21,591 Why am I getting this sense of deja vu? 592 00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:23,402 No, no, no, I'm not talking about the green room. 593 00:22:23,426 --> 00:22:25,226 That was just a good, old-fashioned hate fuck. 594 00:22:25,345 --> 00:22:28,223 Selina, I do not and never have hated you. 595 00:22:28,306 --> 00:22:29,349 You got that right. 596 00:22:29,432 --> 00:22:31,184 - You loved me! - Stop it. 597 00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:33,019 - You still love me now. - What? 598 00:22:33,102 --> 00:22:34,604 You do. Admit it. 599 00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:35,980 Admit it. Admit it! 600 00:22:36,105 --> 00:22:37,607 You are fucking crazy! 601 00:22:40,109 --> 00:22:42,195 Okay. Right there, right there, 602 00:22:42,278 --> 00:22:43,613 what do you call that? 603 00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:44,981 - What was that? - That was... 604 00:22:45,031 --> 00:22:46,950 You wanna throw me onto this couch 605 00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:50,203 and pin my legs behind my head and do me. 606 00:22:50,286 --> 00:22:52,872 - I am a happily married man, selina. - Oh, that's not an answer. 607 00:22:52,956 --> 00:22:54,249 What the fuck is wrong with you? 608 00:22:54,332 --> 00:22:56,125 What the fuck is wrong with you? 609 00:22:58,962 --> 00:23:01,214 Okay. Wha... this. 610 00:23:01,464 --> 00:23:02,864 What do you want me to say, selina? 611 00:23:02,924 --> 00:23:05,343 What do you want me to say, Tom, huh? 612 00:23:05,552 --> 00:23:07,178 That back when I was in the senate, 613 00:23:07,262 --> 00:23:10,223 the only reason that I co-sponsored s 473 614 00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:11,933 was because I had a crush on you? 615 00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:13,351 That when we were in Los Angeles, 616 00:23:13,434 --> 00:23:15,704 and we walked out onto the stage to accept the nomination, 617 00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:17,647 and you grabbed my hand and you held it up high, 618 00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:21,818 and I was like, (gasps) "Oh, my god, he's holding my hand." 619 00:23:22,569 --> 00:23:24,237 That when I was in the loony bin, 620 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,447 I thought about you endlessly, and I was... 621 00:23:26,531 --> 00:23:28,157 - (Door opens) - Tom? 622 00:23:28,908 --> 00:23:29,993 Sweetheart. 623 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,829 This is my wife, alethia. 624 00:23:32,912 --> 00:23:34,122 "Alethia"? 625 00:23:34,622 --> 00:23:37,208 Is that her name or is that the pill you take to fuck her? 626 00:23:37,584 --> 00:23:39,669 - Alethia! - So nice to meet you, president meyer. 627 00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:41,522 - Oh, that's so nice of you. - I voted for you. 628 00:23:41,546 --> 00:23:43,423 Well, it didn't help. (Chuckles) 629 00:23:43,506 --> 00:23:45,174 Okay, you know, I should head back, 630 00:23:45,258 --> 00:23:47,594 - and, uh, deal with the... - Right. 631 00:23:47,677 --> 00:23:49,762 Ceremony and so on. Yes, yes, yes. 632 00:23:49,846 --> 00:23:51,055 (Mouthing) You love me. 633 00:23:53,349 --> 00:23:56,029 Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States. 634 00:23:56,102 --> 00:23:58,021 Oh, wow, she looks awesome. 635 00:23:58,438 --> 00:24:00,523 I'd give my left tit for those tits. 636 00:24:00,607 --> 00:24:02,108 Hello, Buenas tardes. 637 00:24:02,191 --> 00:24:03,443 Good afternoon. 638 00:24:03,526 --> 00:24:07,238 There are so many things that I would like to say 639 00:24:07,322 --> 00:24:09,282 about the extraordinary woman 640 00:24:09,365 --> 00:24:11,659 who was my predecessor here at the white house. 641 00:24:11,743 --> 00:24:13,369 - Here comes the love. - Shh. I know. 642 00:24:13,703 --> 00:24:14,787 But unfortunately, 643 00:24:14,871 --> 00:24:18,333 I have to return to the oval office to deal with the shutdown. 644 00:24:18,416 --> 00:24:20,209 I know selina meyer, 645 00:24:20,293 --> 00:24:23,796 who has navigated many crises in her own term, 646 00:24:24,088 --> 00:24:25,256 will understand. 647 00:24:25,506 --> 00:24:26,758 President meyer. 648 00:24:27,216 --> 00:24:28,509 - Selina. - (Applause) 649 00:24:33,806 --> 00:24:37,352 Now, let's take a look at this beautiful piece of work. 650 00:24:39,228 --> 00:24:41,356 - (Crowd exclaims) - Gary: Oh, my god. 651 00:24:41,522 --> 00:24:43,232 - It's beautiful. That's beautiful. - Oh. 652 00:24:44,817 --> 00:24:47,278 Thank you very, very much. Thank you. 653 00:24:47,528 --> 00:24:50,657 Oh, goodness, I do wish you could've heard president montez's speech 654 00:24:50,740 --> 00:24:54,535 because she's so well-spoken, don't you think? 655 00:24:54,702 --> 00:24:56,913 And this is very nice, folks. 656 00:24:56,996 --> 00:24:58,748 - Mike: Oh, nice. - Very nice, indeed. 657 00:24:58,831 --> 00:25:00,291 You know, um... 658 00:25:01,417 --> 00:25:05,755 I look around this room and I see so many portraits of... 659 00:25:05,922 --> 00:25:08,049 Of so many of our great presidents, 660 00:25:08,132 --> 00:25:12,845 and I am reminded of their many accomplishments 661 00:25:12,929 --> 00:25:14,430 and shining moments. 662 00:25:14,931 --> 00:25:17,141 But I also like to think, 663 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:21,020 perhaps, about their not-so-shining moments. 664 00:25:21,688 --> 00:25:23,356 And that, um... 665 00:25:26,109 --> 00:25:28,277 - Well, maybe none of it matters. - Mmm. 666 00:25:28,778 --> 00:25:32,699 You know, because maybe in 100 years, 667 00:25:33,533 --> 00:25:35,618 all that anyone will remember 668 00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:38,621 is that you have your portrait 669 00:25:38,788 --> 00:25:41,124 hanging on a wall in the white house. 670 00:25:42,208 --> 00:25:46,379 So, uh, out of respect for the furlough, 671 00:25:46,462 --> 00:25:48,339 um, I think we should wrap things up. 672 00:25:48,423 --> 00:25:49,549 So, thank you so much. 673 00:25:49,632 --> 00:25:51,676 What a... what a wonderful thing. 674 00:25:51,759 --> 00:25:53,136 - Thank you. - (Applause) 675 00:25:55,805 --> 00:25:59,183 - That was a great speech. - Yeah, that cow put the chair in the painting. 676 00:25:59,267 --> 00:26:02,019 - What chair? - The fucking chair in that painting 677 00:26:02,145 --> 00:26:04,647 is the chair that she "made love" to Andrew on. 678 00:26:04,731 --> 00:26:05,732 I slept in that chair. 679 00:26:05,815 --> 00:26:07,108 And look at my neck. 680 00:26:07,483 --> 00:26:10,653 I... no, in the painting. Look at my neck. 681 00:26:10,737 --> 00:26:13,781 I have pardoned turkeys with fewer wattles. 682 00:26:14,157 --> 00:26:16,159 My neck does not look like that. 683 00:26:16,242 --> 00:26:17,618 No, it doesn't. 684 00:26:17,702 --> 00:26:18,995 - Madam president. - Oh, yes. 685 00:26:19,078 --> 00:26:20,747 - I'm sorry. - This is John Corbin. 686 00:26:20,830 --> 00:26:22,415 - He's montez's me. - Great. 687 00:26:22,498 --> 00:26:26,419 Not exactly. I have a law degree, and served two tours in Afghanistan. 688 00:26:26,502 --> 00:26:27,670 Oh, congrats. 689 00:26:27,754 --> 00:26:29,648 I'm afraid we're gonna have to start clearing the room... 690 00:26:29,672 --> 00:26:31,483 - Yes. - So we can furlough the rest of the staff 691 00:26:31,507 --> 00:26:33,676 - in a timely manner. - Well, that makes solid sense. 692 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:34,927 We'll get out of your hair. 693 00:26:35,011 --> 00:26:36,262 Thank you so much. Hello. 694 00:26:36,345 --> 00:26:38,973 - This goes inside yourjacket. - Oh. 695 00:26:39,056 --> 00:26:41,243 - Ma'am, the painting is stunning. - Well, thank you, Marjorie, 696 00:26:41,267 --> 00:26:43,436 but you're not exactly known for your good taste. 697 00:26:43,519 --> 00:26:45,354 You know what? This is your fault. 698 00:26:45,438 --> 00:26:48,441 - (Gasps) No. - Yes, I should not have come to this thing. 699 00:26:48,524 --> 00:26:52,862 Jesus Christ, underage Muslim brides are less traumatized at their unveiling. 700 00:26:52,945 --> 00:26:55,531 And even they don't have to drink coke zero. 701 00:26:55,656 --> 00:26:57,116 At least Jonah wasn't here. 702 00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:59,535 Hey, that's positive, see? 703 00:26:59,911 --> 00:27:02,288 A lot of people are saying that I shut down the government. 704 00:27:02,413 --> 00:27:03,915 You're damn right, I did. 705 00:27:04,540 --> 00:27:07,168 I shut down the government for wasting our money. 706 00:27:07,710 --> 00:27:11,506 I shut down the government for interfering with our clocks and watches. 707 00:27:11,714 --> 00:27:15,885 I shut down the post office because everybodyjust uses email anyway. 708 00:27:15,968 --> 00:27:19,138 I shut down npr because they're a total snooze fest, 709 00:27:19,222 --> 00:27:21,599 and they said this shutdown was a bad idea. 710 00:27:21,682 --> 00:27:23,476 I shut down the national parks 711 00:27:23,559 --> 00:27:26,479 so that your parents will have to take you some place cool on vacation, 712 00:27:26,562 --> 00:27:27,730 like Disney world, 713 00:27:27,814 --> 00:27:30,149 or Cancun, or Mexico. 714 00:27:30,233 --> 00:27:31,317 - Okay. - Okay, okay. 715 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:32,485 Are there any questions? 716 00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:34,421 The congressman will not be taking any questions. 717 00:27:34,445 --> 00:27:35,798 The congressman will not be taking any questions. 718 00:27:35,822 --> 00:27:37,156 - Okay. - Thank you. 719 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:40,326 Provocative stuff there from the bad boy of Washington, Jonah Ryan. 720 00:27:40,409 --> 00:27:42,745 Wall street, meanwhile, has reacted to the shutdown 721 00:27:42,829 --> 00:27:46,165 with what analysts are urging us not to label "a panic." 722 00:27:46,374 --> 00:27:49,126 Also, are we doing our laundry all wrong? 723 00:27:49,252 --> 00:27:51,879 Japanese efficiency experts say no. 724 00:27:52,004 --> 00:27:54,590 Plus, our own buzzy kanahale's gonna be reporting the weather 725 00:27:54,674 --> 00:27:57,510 from the place that matters the most, the beach. 726 00:27:57,844 --> 00:28:00,012 - Oof, wish I could join him there. - Oh. (Chuckles) 727 00:28:00,263 --> 00:28:01,430 Not me. 728 00:28:01,514 --> 00:28:03,432 I'm not down to my bathing suit weight yet, so. 729 00:28:03,516 --> 00:28:06,185 Oh, please, brie, I bet you could fill out a bikini quite nicely. 730 00:28:06,269 --> 00:28:07,770 Oh, Dan! 731 00:28:07,854 --> 00:28:08,980 (Both chuckling) 732 00:28:09,438 --> 00:28:10,439 Ugh. 733 00:28:10,523 --> 00:28:12,668 Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Dan egan. 734 00:28:12,692 --> 00:28:15,111 - Woman: Bring back Jane! - And I'm brie ramachandran. 735 00:28:15,194 --> 00:28:16,195 Remember, 736 00:28:16,279 --> 00:28:18,364 - every day starts with morning. - Man: You suck! 737 00:28:18,447 --> 00:28:19,532 Bye, now.