1 00:00:06,048 --> 00:00:08,634 Ma'am, American university is a fine institution. 2 00:00:08,718 --> 00:00:12,638 American university sounds like a made-up college in Egypt. 3 00:00:12,722 --> 00:00:14,765 Okay? I don't want my library there. 4 00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:16,809 Well, technically, it wouldn't even be a library. 5 00:00:16,851 --> 00:00:18,936 - What? - It won't be a library, ma'am. 6 00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:21,147 No, I heard her. You understand that, Amy, 7 00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:23,733 that even Richard has trouble understanding you? You're not... 8 00:00:23,816 --> 00:00:25,902 You would be donating all of your papers, gifts, 9 00:00:25,985 --> 00:00:27,904 and ephemera to them, to their library. 10 00:00:27,987 --> 00:00:29,822 Well, of course, the dresses, I think that... 11 00:00:29,906 --> 00:00:34,202 - No, they don't want the dresses. - You know that every president since fdr 12 00:00:34,285 --> 00:00:36,329 has had a goddamn library, okay? 13 00:00:36,412 --> 00:00:39,749 Even that sanctimonious fraud, Carter, had a library. 14 00:00:39,832 --> 00:00:42,793 American university, it's like American univer-shit. 15 00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:44,712 Hey! 16 00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:48,883 Man: We love you. 17 00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:50,551 Selina: Thank you. Thank you! 18 00:00:50,635 --> 00:00:53,721 I just wanna say that I am so proud to be here as a part of... 19 00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:56,849 - National volunteer week. - National volunteer week. 20 00:00:58,434 --> 00:01:00,144 Yeah, really important. 21 00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:02,188 Okay, thanks. 22 00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:05,483 Super. Great! 23 00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:08,402 How about that? How about that? 24 00:01:09,153 --> 00:01:10,696 I also do wallpaper. 25 00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:15,076 Thank you, guys, so much. It's been so much fun. 26 00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:17,078 I love this t-shirt, too. 27 00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:19,330 It's just so happy and wonderful! 28 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:22,083 Bye-bye! Thank you! Thank you. 29 00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:24,126 Get this t-shirt off of me. 30 00:01:24,210 --> 00:01:27,046 I look like I'm trying out for the price is right. 31 00:01:27,129 --> 00:01:29,024 God almighty, I wish I'd been assassinated in office. 32 00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:31,509 - No, don't say that. - Although, with my luck, 33 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:33,052 I'd be then crippled for life 34 00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:37,098 sitting in a wheelchair in my reading room with my name on the thing. 35 00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:38,992 They haven't agreed to putting your name on anything, ma'am. 36 00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:40,035 - What? - They said they haven't agreed 37 00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:41,659 to putting your name on anything, ma'am. 38 00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:48,567 That food was just disgusting. Why did we even go there? 39 00:01:48,651 --> 00:01:51,588 - Do you want me to get you anything else? - You didn't eat anything. 40 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:55,616 Oh, god, I hate every food ever from everywhere. 41 00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:57,326 - Have you tried ice cream? - Ugh! 42 00:01:57,410 --> 00:01:59,787 You know what? I was gonna wait until afternoon tea, 43 00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:02,456 but I have got a fun surprise for you. 44 00:02:02,540 --> 00:02:06,460 They have unveiled your wax figure at madame tussauds. 45 00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:08,504 Is that the fun part? 46 00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:10,798 - Check that out. - What? 47 00:02:10,881 --> 00:02:12,800 They have me next to Gerald Ford? 48 00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:15,219 Is this the hall of half-term wonders? 49 00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:16,887 I thought that was Craig t. Nelson. 50 00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:20,141 God, can nothing go right for me ever? 51 00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:22,059 What can I do? What can I do? I will fix it. 52 00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:24,143 Selina: Why do they even have a wax figure of Ford? 53 00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:26,605 - I don't know. - The real one was made of wood. 54 00:02:26,689 --> 00:02:30,901 Get them to move me next to, to Lincoln or to mao 55 00:02:30,985 --> 00:02:33,070 or some other game changing icon! 56 00:02:33,154 --> 00:02:35,323 That's what I am. Don't make that noise! 57 00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:39,118 Just do it before I melt down that whole collection 58 00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:44,582 and use it to wax madame tussauds' big, fat, nasty snatch! 59 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,335 Oh, god, no. 60 00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:49,086 My pantyhose go up so high. 61 00:02:49,420 --> 00:02:55,176 Ma'am, it's normal to experience a temporary depression after a heart attack. 62 00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:57,011 I went through it with my father. 63 00:02:57,094 --> 00:02:58,846 He was unbearable. 64 00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:03,100 Trust me, Amy, it was not the heart attack that depressed your dad. 65 00:03:03,392 --> 00:03:04,977 And anyway, I'm not depressed. 66 00:03:05,061 --> 00:03:08,189 I just feel like I'm in a thick, dark fog 67 00:03:08,272 --> 00:03:10,816 and everyone disappoints me and nothing works out, 68 00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:12,419 and what's the point of anything anyway? 69 00:03:12,443 --> 00:03:16,155 And before you ask, it's not because I'm not sleeping, okay? 70 00:03:16,238 --> 00:03:18,407 'Cause I'm getting 14 hours of sleep a night. 71 00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,260 Hey, ma'am, if you ever wanna talk to a therapist, 72 00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:21,494 I got a great gal. 73 00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:23,347 Wendy and I went to see her when things were rocky. 74 00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:25,414 Both of them went to town on me. It was brutal. 75 00:03:25,498 --> 00:03:27,934 I cried so hard, I threw up, but it was the best thing I've ever done. 76 00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:30,211 Okay. Look at me, Mike, all right? 77 00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:32,963 Not crazy, okay? 78 00:03:33,506 --> 00:03:34,882 - You know, mom... - What? 79 00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:38,386 Therapists can help with all kinds of problems that aren't necessarily mental illness. 80 00:03:38,469 --> 00:03:39,804 I mean, my woman is amazing. 81 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:42,014 You're in therapy? Since when? 82 00:03:43,307 --> 00:03:44,975 Since I was 13. 83 00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:47,520 Well, what you really needed was a dermatologist. 84 00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:50,231 Ma'am, have you done anymore thinking about Catherine and me 85 00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:51,833 moving into meemaw's after the baby is born? 86 00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:55,194 Okay. Marjorie, that's, like, 14 things that I can't, you know... 87 00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:56,357 - So... - You know, 88 00:03:56,404 --> 00:03:58,673 Dr. Diane thinks that it would be really great if you could come in. 89 00:03:58,697 --> 00:04:00,908 - Okay. - That it could really open up and facilitate 90 00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,827 good communication between the two of us. 91 00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:05,454 Okay. Well, Dr. Diane is an asshole, okay? 92 00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:07,998 I'll tell you what else, I'm not gonna carry that. 93 00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:10,310 - I'm not carrying that either. - Richard, can Catherine and I 94 00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:11,752 speak with you for a moment? 95 00:04:11,836 --> 00:04:13,003 Well, you're the boss. 96 00:04:13,087 --> 00:04:16,173 Richard, are there any hereditary issues that run in your family? 97 00:04:16,507 --> 00:04:18,759 Well, my father and I both hate eating butterscotch, 98 00:04:18,843 --> 00:04:21,178 but love to say it. Butterscotch. 99 00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:22,513 Sorry, why do you ask? 100 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,309 Thanks. 101 00:04:29,854 --> 00:04:30,896 Oh! 102 00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:33,732 Fuck! "We thinks Danny boy toy doth protest too much. 103 00:04:33,816 --> 00:04:37,862 "'Himbo' egan Dan-ies affair with news milf McCabe." 104 00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:40,239 All right, you know what? Fuck that. 105 00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:41,991 Hey, this isn't a library! 106 00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:44,034 No, it's a graveyard that sells gum. 107 00:04:44,118 --> 00:04:45,828 - Print is dead. - You wanna buy some gum? 108 00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:47,496 No, I get all my gum on Amazon. 109 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:50,355 Catherine: But if the check is for the rare bird conservancy, 110 00:04:50,416 --> 00:04:53,002 then why does it have to go through the Andrew h. Meyer trust? 111 00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:54,920 That's a good catch, little cat. 112 00:04:55,004 --> 00:04:59,133 Uh... you know what? Just for tax purposes, why don't you make it out to cash? 113 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:00,718 That's easy. Hmm? 114 00:05:02,428 --> 00:05:03,929 I'll just leave it blank. 115 00:05:04,013 --> 00:05:05,723 It's not your drop-by day. 116 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:08,076 I couldn't wait another moment to see my two favorite daughters. 117 00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:10,936 - What? - Where did little maj disappear to, anyway? 118 00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:13,856 You asked her to wait by your street meter in case it ran out. 119 00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:15,483 Right. Darn. 120 00:05:15,566 --> 00:05:17,651 Morning, ma'am. Hey, we really need to... 121 00:05:17,735 --> 00:05:19,737 I will wait in the living room. 122 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:23,324 You're not giving any money to the music man here, are you, sweetie? 123 00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:24,909 Have you no shame? 124 00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:26,660 - And, mom? - What? 125 00:05:26,744 --> 00:05:28,537 - Here is your monthly allowance. - Okay. 126 00:05:28,621 --> 00:05:30,998 And what chores do you do around the house to deserve that? 127 00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:32,458 I show assholes the door. 128 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:35,753 Well, regardless, I bid you both adieu. 129 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,838 - Flattering skirt. - Shut up. 130 00:05:37,922 --> 00:05:40,925 Hey, Mike, sorry. I gotta get running. But your investment is doing well. 131 00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,551 I've never gotten a statement. 132 00:05:42,635 --> 00:05:45,262 Here's a statement, your investment is doing quite well. 133 00:05:45,763 --> 00:05:48,182 Can you believe the nerve of him? 134 00:05:48,265 --> 00:05:49,850 No, I can't. 135 00:05:49,934 --> 00:05:52,746 Ma'am, actually, I gotta talk to you. I got another call from the publisher. 136 00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:54,414 - We need to buckle down... - Selina: I know. 137 00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:55,749 And start writing the book, okay? 138 00:05:55,773 --> 00:05:58,776 What if we started with when Hughes selected you as his veep? 139 00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,194 I mean, the lies. 140 00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:02,780 The flagrant self-interest! 141 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:03,924 Do you have any memory of that moment? 142 00:06:03,948 --> 00:06:06,200 Any details? Any specifics about... 143 00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:07,928 You know, during my first win for congress, 144 00:06:07,952 --> 00:06:10,371 he was cheating on me during the entire campaign 145 00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:12,039 and said it was my fault. 146 00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:13,767 - I didn't know that. - Yeah, absolutely, he did. 147 00:06:13,791 --> 00:06:16,126 - Okay. - Andrew said... 148 00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:19,922 That he was campaigning long hours at the office for me. 149 00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,090 But what was he doing? 150 00:06:21,173 --> 00:06:25,344 He was fucking Louise kellog for me, my goddamn press secretary. 151 00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:27,304 'Cause that's what he does. See? 152 00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:29,640 - He makes you... - Who was your opponent in that race? 153 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,409 I don't know. Some old white guy. They're all the same. 154 00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,394 And it was a really tight race. 155 00:06:33,477 --> 00:06:35,229 Everybody said I was gonna lose, 156 00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:38,941 and people were saying I was cold and that I was unrelatable. 157 00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:40,442 Down, down. 158 00:06:40,526 --> 00:06:42,403 Whatever happened to Louise kellog? 159 00:06:42,653 --> 00:06:45,948 Oh, god, I made Andrew can her slutty can. 160 00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:49,493 And then we just hired the least fuckable press secretary we could find. 161 00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:51,858 Oh, that's actually right when I started working with you. 162 00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:55,916 - Hey! Get up. Give me that fork. - Why? What? 163 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,042 - Up, up. - What gives? 164 00:06:57,126 --> 00:06:58,752 Fundraising laws, no silvennare. 165 00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:00,588 Yeah. If you sit, it's a meal, 166 00:07:00,671 --> 00:07:02,631 which is a gift, which is a bribe, 167 00:07:02,715 --> 00:07:05,718 which is a line of prison inmates standing on each other's shoulders 168 00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:07,011 trying to sodomize you. 169 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,430 Well, my feet hurt and I'm really hungry. 170 00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:12,153 Well, that's why we told you to eat a big meal before you got here. 171 00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:13,684 Well, I wasn't hungry then. 172 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:14,911 And I need to go to the bathroom. 173 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,895 - You just went. - Hey, here he is, 174 00:07:16,979 --> 00:07:18,856 the macher of the moment. Mr. Tanz. 175 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:22,234 Jonah, I want you to meet my wife, Lia, and daughter, shawnee. 176 00:07:22,318 --> 00:07:24,445 Yeah, what'd I tell you? He's tall, huh? 177 00:07:24,528 --> 00:07:28,115 Hi, Mrs. Tanz. Ms. Tanz, you are smoking. 178 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,950 I'm the daughter. Gross. 179 00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:32,494 - We have a six-year-old. - Oh! Mazel tov. 180 00:07:32,578 --> 00:07:33,930 Listen, I have a thought. I wanna make sure 181 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,956 that when you talk about daylight savings time, 182 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,517 you don't forget to talk about crime. 183 00:07:37,541 --> 00:07:39,418 It'll get dark earlier all yearlong, 184 00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:42,796 which means more burglaries, and murders, and rape through the roof. 185 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:43,922 Wait, isn't that bad? 186 00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:45,859 Wait, wait. You didn't let me get to the best part. 187 00:07:45,883 --> 00:07:48,802 More crime means more for-profit prisons. 188 00:07:48,886 --> 00:07:50,697 We're gonna lock 'em up and we're gonna fry 'em. 189 00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:52,431 What are you, a monster? 190 00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:54,326 If you kill them, they can't get arrested again. 191 00:07:54,350 --> 00:07:55,809 That's how we make our money. 192 00:07:55,893 --> 00:07:57,144 Processing fees. 193 00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:58,580 - Hmm. - Shawnee: Right, which you would know 194 00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:01,148 if you hadn't been losing a battle of wits with a meatball. 195 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:02,733 Great candidate, dad. 196 00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:06,028 Impressive. I can see why you married the other one. 197 00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:08,155 - That's my shawnee. - Ben: Yeah. Yeah. 198 00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:10,199 - Moe. - You better go and fix this, okay? 199 00:08:10,282 --> 00:08:13,661 And go do it fast before Kent invites her to a sudoku weekend in Vermont. 200 00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:15,704 - I don't like that. - Just go. 201 00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:19,208 Uh... excuse me, shawnee. 202 00:08:19,583 --> 00:08:24,254 I don't know what your problem is, but I've been underestimated my entire life. 203 00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:27,841 Failure to thrive at birth, fuck that. Puberty at 19? 204 00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:30,010 When it hit, it hit like a fucking thunderbolt. 205 00:08:30,094 --> 00:08:32,012 Third grade reading level in the tenth grade. 206 00:08:32,096 --> 00:08:34,890 Everything that I have been through in my entire life 207 00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:36,850 has only made me stronger and taller. 208 00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:39,603 Get those fucking meatballs away from me. 209 00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:45,820 - Mike: Ma'am, can you believe the sun is up? - Oh! Look at this. 210 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,611 There's my horse, chicklet. 211 00:08:47,945 --> 00:08:51,240 - Oh... - I begged daddy to get her for me, and he did. 212 00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:55,285 I remember he said, "squirrel, you're an intense little girl, 213 00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:58,122 "and now you finally have a friend." 214 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,916 Uh, he called you "squirrel." 215 00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,376 Mother up and sold her. 216 00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:05,087 She hated all animals that she couldn't eat or wear. 217 00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:07,631 Anyway, eventually, 218 00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:11,510 daddy changed that stable into his office. 219 00:09:12,094 --> 00:09:13,846 So, how did he die? 220 00:09:13,929 --> 00:09:14,930 Heart attack. 221 00:09:15,431 --> 00:09:16,682 Like father, like daughter. 222 00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:19,435 Boy, I'll tell you, I remember that night he died 223 00:09:19,518 --> 00:09:23,981 'cause his secretary came banging on the door at, like, 2:00 am. 224 00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:27,234 We don't have to talk about this stuff if you don't want to. 225 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:30,654 No, it's okay. I like talking about it, even with you. 226 00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:34,283 See? I'm not so bad once you get to know me after 20 years. 227 00:09:34,366 --> 00:09:36,535 Yeah, exactly. 228 00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:38,738 Mike: In 10 years, we'll be taking vacations together. 229 00:09:39,997 --> 00:09:41,349 Selina: Go on! Mike: I'd go to sandals, 230 00:09:41,373 --> 00:09:42,976 - that'd be awesome. - I hope the book's done by then. 231 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,085 Well, the book better be done in 10 years 232 00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:48,088 or I'll be broke as a... 233 00:09:48,172 --> 00:09:50,007 What's going on here? 234 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,925 - You guys having a party? - Selina: Yeah. 235 00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,677 - Party by the fire? - Yes. 236 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,346 - Can ljoin? - Sure. 237 00:09:56,847 --> 00:09:58,724 I'm so glad you're here. 238 00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:00,934 - I need breakfast. - Okay. 239 00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:02,686 - Can you help me up? - Sure. 240 00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:04,650 Here, okay. I'll... I'll get you from the back. 241 00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:06,190 - Get off of me. - Right. 242 00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,834 So, what do you want for breakfast, Mike? 243 00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:09,777 Uh... I usually have an eight egg white omelet. 244 00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:12,362 - And do you have sausage patties? - What is this, yonkers? 245 00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:14,700 - Just go and get sausage patties. - Right, sure. 246 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,451 - Do you wanna see my yearbook? - Yeah. 247 00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,161 - High school years. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 248 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:21,747 Are you guys, like, besties now? 249 00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:24,333 I don't know. She hasn't yelled at me in, like, 24 hours. 250 00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:26,186 - It's weird. - It is weird. 251 00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:28,462 Hey, did you get me out of the Gerry Ford ghetto? 252 00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:31,131 I did. You're bowing next to president lu. 253 00:10:31,215 --> 00:10:32,424 - Good. - Can I see? 254 00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:33,509 Yeah, sure, sure. 255 00:10:33,884 --> 00:10:35,594 Catherine: Good morning! Marjorie: Morning. 256 00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:37,513 - Hey! - You guys had a slumber party. 257 00:10:37,596 --> 00:10:39,598 Yeah. So, listen, we're about to get breakfast 258 00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:41,433 - and Gary's gonna go... - Look at this. 259 00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:43,369 And get something called sausage patties. 260 00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:44,662 Are you girls interested in that? 261 00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:46,605 Oh, my god! Look at the guy. He's like... 262 00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:48,124 Catherine: And we're on our way out. 263 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,484 - In your pajamas? - It's athleisure-wear, ma'am. 264 00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,920 Okay, that's not a word, Marjorie. 265 00:10:51,944 --> 00:10:53,654 That's disgusting! Close it. 266 00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:55,882 All right, well, I don't even know why I try with those two. 267 00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:57,157 Honestly. 268 00:10:57,241 --> 00:10:59,284 Mike: Hey, ma'am, before we get back to work 269 00:10:59,368 --> 00:11:01,054 would you mind writing a letter of recommendation 270 00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:02,079 to the Harper day school? 271 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:05,082 We're just trying to get Ellen in there and it'd be really good. 272 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,485 - Wait, who? - My oldest daughter. 273 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,585 - Oh, that Chinese one? - Sure. 274 00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:10,712 - You write it, I'll sign it. - Really? 275 00:11:10,796 --> 00:11:12,881 - Sure. - Thank you so much, ma'am. Thank you. 276 00:11:12,965 --> 00:11:15,384 - Look at this. - Oh, my gosh. 277 00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:18,011 - Did you ever go through an awkward phase? - No. 278 00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:20,514 Richard: Wow, I can't believe I'm gonna be a father. 279 00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:23,392 - A lot of responsibility. - You just signed away all responsibility. 280 00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,537 I've never done this before. 281 00:11:25,561 --> 00:11:27,563 You just go in the room and they'll... 282 00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:30,607 I've never shook the devil's hand. 283 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:34,319 - You mean masturbate? - Oh! Self-husband. 284 00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:37,197 - Does it hurt? - Oh, no, Richard... 285 00:11:37,281 --> 00:11:39,008 - No, but how is that possible? - Wait, really? 286 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,951 Well, my family in Iowa was pretty religious. 287 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,929 Grandma splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin. 288 00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:44,162 Like microwaves or laughter. 289 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,891 - Do you need a minute or... - No, if worst comes to worst, 290 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,435 I'll burn in hell like grandma splett. 291 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:51,336 You know what? He has a really good heart. 292 00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:54,435 I'm sorry, I'm still not understanding how the cup comes into play. 293 00:11:54,798 --> 00:11:57,134 Oh, you just have to aim 294 00:11:57,593 --> 00:11:59,761 - and_. - And how many of these do I need to fill up? 295 00:11:59,845 --> 00:12:01,722 Yeah, no, you just have to do one. 296 00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:03,408 Just one? Okay. I think that'll be easier. 297 00:12:03,432 --> 00:12:04,632 How will I know when I'm done? 298 00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:07,464 You know, I'll figure it out. I'll probably figure it out. 299 00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:11,773 - Shawnee: Jonah. - Mmm. 300 00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:15,027 - Hi. - Hey. Hi. So... 301 00:12:16,194 --> 00:12:17,362 That really happened, huh? 302 00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:20,374 Why didn't you take me back to your place? Do you live with your mom? 303 00:12:20,449 --> 00:12:21,909 No. No. She wishes. 304 00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:24,411 I live in my office. DC rents are insane, 305 00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,222 and Ben and Kent say I can't use campaign money. 306 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,999 - Can I use campaign money? - No, you can't use campaign money. 307 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,459 Okay. Second opinion. 308 00:12:30,542 --> 00:12:34,713 I chose your outfit for the day, but I'm donating the rest of your suits 309 00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:36,924 to a charity for rescued circus giraffes. 310 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,257 I'm pretty sure I can take care of dressing myself. 311 00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:40,469 - Can you? - Hey, um... 312 00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:42,387 - Hey, do you have time to... - No. 313 00:12:42,471 --> 00:12:44,556 Okay, it's just you look really good in my robe, 314 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,643 and I thought if you had some time, maybe I could finger you or something? 315 00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,312 No, I have to get going. 316 00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:53,023 - Okay. - We'll fuck again tonight at 7:30. 317 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,567 - With less kissing. - Okay. Yeah, no, 7:30 works. 318 00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:57,973 - I'm taking a pop-tart. - Okay, can I ask you a question? 319 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:01,448 - What? - Just, this is the first time that's happened 320 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:03,450 since the treatment, since the cancer, and I... 321 00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:06,286 - Oh, my god, get to it. What? - Did my missing ball freak you out? 322 00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,622 Honestly, it was one less thing to worry about. 323 00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,207 Okay. Thanks, Mrs. Tanz. 324 00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:11,500 - What? - Ms. Tanz. 325 00:13:19,341 --> 00:13:21,802 Hey, Richard. Five-minute feud truce. 326 00:13:21,885 --> 00:13:24,888 The most amazing thing just happened to me. Twice. 327 00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:26,972 Really? Something amazing just happened to me, too. 328 00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:28,725 Gary: Amy? Amy: What do you want? 329 00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:33,814 Okay, I had the president's wax figure relocated next to president lu. 330 00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:34,982 And what's wrong? 331 00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:36,733 They have her bowing. 332 00:13:37,651 --> 00:13:39,319 Like this. 333 00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:40,654 I know what bowing is. 334 00:13:41,405 --> 00:13:42,489 People are... 335 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,409 What? What? 336 00:13:47,536 --> 00:13:50,536 - You know, like, taking advantage of her. - They're fucking her in the ass? 337 00:13:50,956 --> 00:13:52,636 I have to see this. 338 00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:02,592 This girl is, like, 11-years-old. Where are her parents? 339 00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:04,970 Ugh. 340 00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,513 Obviously, you need me to fix this? 341 00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:08,348 I tried, but it's just... 342 00:14:08,432 --> 00:14:10,201 You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby. 343 00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:13,937 And then there was this one time that daddy got back from a month in Cuba. 344 00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:17,024 - Cuba? - Hey, green tea with a hint of Rosemary. 345 00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:18,710 Okay, we're right in the middle of working. 346 00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:20,962 - Gary, can I get a sprite? - Selina: Yeah, get him a sprite. 347 00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:23,864 Anyway, so daddy never came home empty-handed. 348 00:14:24,281 --> 00:14:26,533 I have the most amazing snow globe collection. 349 00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:28,256 - No. - I haven't even shown you that yet. 350 00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:29,429 - Really? - Yeah, you're gonna die. 351 00:14:29,453 --> 00:14:31,496 - The board is ready for you. - Oh... right. 352 00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:33,915 I bet you got a great snow globe from Cuba. 353 00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:37,669 Oh! No. Actually, he brought me back an ashtray from Cuba. 354 00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:41,298 Good morning. Selina meyer, present. 355 00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:43,567 Man: We will now vote on the next item. 356 00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:46,678 - I'm on the board of biogenzidine. - What are you voting on? 357 00:14:46,762 --> 00:14:50,057 Oh, these vultures wanna raise the price of some new cancer drug. 358 00:14:52,601 --> 00:14:54,144 So your dad was away a lot. 359 00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:58,231 Yeah, and he was away with his secretary when he died, 360 00:14:58,315 --> 00:15:00,942 so I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to him. 361 00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:02,706 Mmm-mmm. No, his secretary wasn't with him. 362 00:15:02,778 --> 00:15:05,089 She was the one pounding on the door the night he died, remember? 363 00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:06,198 - No... - Richard: Ma'am? 364 00:15:06,782 --> 00:15:08,075 - Vote number two is up. - Oh. 365 00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:11,578 - What is it? - Animal testing. 366 00:15:13,497 --> 00:15:16,374 Ma'am, a lot of this stuff seems kind of weird, doesn't it? 367 00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:19,127 - Weird? What are you getting at? - Nothing. 368 00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:24,132 Like, some of these details about your dad are a little irregular, like the... 369 00:15:24,216 --> 00:15:25,509 - No. - Cuba trips. 370 00:15:25,717 --> 00:15:26,718 - What? - All the cash. 371 00:15:26,802 --> 00:15:28,178 Hey, what is your game here? 372 00:15:28,512 --> 00:15:33,433 Because my daddy was a very good family man, okay? 373 00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:36,436 He was charismatic, he was gregarious, 374 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,605 he was somewhat peculiar, yeah, 375 00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:40,857 but all interesting people are, okay? 376 00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:42,526 So put that in your stupid book! 377 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:45,880 No, we're not gonna have any sprite. This isn't a movie theater. 378 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:51,118 I wonder if it'd be worth checking in on uncle George. 379 00:15:51,201 --> 00:15:52,994 We're not gonna talk to uncle George! 380 00:15:53,078 --> 00:15:56,498 He's a bald, old booze bag with a whiskey-stink mustache. 381 00:15:56,832 --> 00:15:58,375 - Just like you. - Richard: Uh, ma'am? 382 00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,709 - Third vote. - Nay. 383 00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,913 But it's for discounted prescriptions for the elderly. 384 00:16:02,671 --> 00:16:03,713 Nay. 385 00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,052 I'll just sit here. 386 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:13,837 - I'm sorry I ruined the good vibe. - I'm sorry I ruined the good vibe. 387 00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:16,059 I've asked you before not to do that impression, ma'am. 388 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,481 I mean, do I fuck her? The entire town thinks I am anyway. 389 00:16:21,565 --> 00:16:24,776 - You're my mom's favorite couple. - It would be uncharted territory for me. 390 00:16:24,860 --> 00:16:26,300 Sort of like Indiana Jones, I guess. 391 00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:29,614 Digging my way through the ancient ruins, hacking my way past the crazy cobwebs 392 00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:32,492 and snakes and shit, hoping my face doesn't melt when I open her up. 393 00:16:32,576 --> 00:16:35,954 I'm sure if I saw it, that would all make sense to me. 394 00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:37,664 - Amy. - What are you doing here? 395 00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:40,750 - I said I would call you back. - And you also said you'd fix it, Amy. 396 00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:43,211 They put her on a bench talking to fdr. 397 00:16:43,295 --> 00:16:45,547 Zero anal access. How's that for a new deal? 398 00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:48,717 You know what she's also doing? They have her gesturing like this. 399 00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:52,596 - And people are resting their... - Like, their balls? 400 00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:56,808 - Not just the beans. Also, the Franks. - Oh, that's disgusting. 401 00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:59,853 - They will be arrested. - Will they? There's a lot there. 402 00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:02,898 There's a lot there. I got a lot of pictures to show you. 403 00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:04,625 I don't see any arrests. 404 00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,860 - You see any arrests? - Okay, okay, okay. Jesus. 405 00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:09,070 That is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 406 00:17:09,154 --> 00:17:12,073 You know, have sex with Jane McCabe, don't have sex with Jane McCabe, 407 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:16,161 just do whatever it takes to keep your job, because it is, in fact, a job. 408 00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:20,582 Or we could trade places, and you could be in charge of a library that doesn't exist 409 00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:23,084 for a president who is currently more famous 410 00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:27,380 for being a jizz sock for Times Square tourists than for serving her country. 411 00:17:27,464 --> 00:17:28,798 Let's go, Gary. 412 00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:31,051 Jane McCabe? 413 00:17:31,134 --> 00:17:32,344 Wow! 414 00:17:32,427 --> 00:17:33,470 Respect. 415 00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:39,893 Did I tell you the story about how your father made Ethel merman cry? 416 00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:42,145 Oh, it's true, it's true. 417 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:44,189 'Cause he tried to pull her wig off. 418 00:17:44,272 --> 00:17:46,191 He didn't like her Broadway show. 419 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:51,404 So, I just wanna clarify some of the details about the night that daddy actually died. 420 00:17:51,863 --> 00:17:54,282 Did mother have to get the body flown back here? 421 00:17:54,366 --> 00:17:56,159 What? No. Of course not. 422 00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:57,702 Oh! 423 00:17:57,786 --> 00:17:59,663 So, then how did his body get back? 424 00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:02,332 From where? He died in the barn. 425 00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,000 No, he was away on business. 426 00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:07,170 No, that's just what we told her when she was a little girl. 427 00:18:07,254 --> 00:18:08,755 - But you knew that, right? - Mmm-hmm. 428 00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:12,467 Her mother and I didn't want her to see the body, and poor Barbara. 429 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:14,678 Barbara valeski, daddy's secretary? 430 00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:18,014 Died right on top of her. What a way to go. 431 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,517 She was built. Oh, my god. 432 00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:23,103 - Selina: Wait, uh, what? - Yeah, 433 00:18:23,186 --> 00:18:26,231 she had to go to the loony bin after that. Your mother paid for it. 434 00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:28,692 - She always referred to it as "the spa." - What? 435 00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:32,279 But it wasn'tjust Barbara, which is why your mom converted the barn, 436 00:18:32,654 --> 00:18:35,365 so he wouldn't embarrass her in seedy motels. 437 00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:38,702 See? That's why mother sold my horse. 438 00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:41,204 - Write that down. - What? No, no, no, no. 439 00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:45,125 Your dad sold it to get the IRS off of his back. 440 00:18:45,417 --> 00:18:47,252 - You knew that, right? - Dad... 441 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:48,795 Daddy sold chicklet? 442 00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:50,880 Your mother wasn't gonna bail him out anymore. 443 00:18:51,131 --> 00:18:53,133 You know, she had a great head for business. 444 00:18:54,009 --> 00:18:55,885 Damn fine lady. Mmm. 445 00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:58,513 That's why you didn't get a snow globe. No business trip. 446 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:01,766 Oh, I haven't thought of those snow globes in a million years. 447 00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:03,893 Yeah, we just were unpacking all of them and I... 448 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:05,645 Barbara loved buying you those. 449 00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:08,064 You know, she had no children of her own, 450 00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:11,484 you know, because your dad was always taking her to the doctor. 451 00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:15,238 - What a character. - I gotta... I'm gonna get out of here. 452 00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:18,616 - I'm gonna borrow that. - Anytime, madame president. 453 00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,910 Uncle George sounded pretty sweet on meemaw. 454 00:19:21,036 --> 00:19:22,162 - What? - Never mind. 455 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,542 Selina: It's fun to drive again, especially drunk. 456 00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:30,712 You know that my daddy taught me to drive in this car right here? 457 00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:33,173 - Really? - And once I hit a deer, 458 00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:35,425 - and daddy took the blame for it. - Hmm. 459 00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:38,136 Careful, the ground isn't straight here. 460 00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:42,974 Oh, my god. 461 00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:44,934 Yeah, this is it. 462 00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:47,187 This was chicklet's old house. 463 00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:48,396 Wow. 464 00:19:48,605 --> 00:19:49,814 - See this desk? - Mmm-hmm. 465 00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:53,902 After daddy died, I would crawl right underneath here and hide. 466 00:19:54,611 --> 00:19:57,447 - Wow! - You know, 'cause I was so petite and pretty. 467 00:19:57,781 --> 00:19:58,782 Huh. Yeah. 468 00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:02,285 And look at here. I'd take this picture of me and daddy. 469 00:20:02,952 --> 00:20:05,080 I would just stare at it. See? 470 00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:11,336 He was a cheater! And a liar! 471 00:20:12,087 --> 00:20:13,671 He was a horse thief! 472 00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:17,092 I was stupid little daddy's girl! 473 00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:19,981 - You gotta do this, Mike. Come on. - Okay. 474 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,138 God! Stupid! 475 00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:25,392 - Uh, bad desk. - No, come on! 476 00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:28,353 You gotta be mad about something! 477 00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:30,980 Pay me! Pay me, bitch! 478 00:20:31,314 --> 00:20:33,650 Yeah, you pay him, you bitch! 479 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,778 - Pay me, bitch! - Wait, stop! 480 00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:43,243 This is a pencil holder that I made for my daddy when I was at camp. 481 00:20:43,326 --> 00:20:44,452 Okay. Okay. 482 00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,121 This feels good. 483 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:49,499 Why do shoes cost so much money? 484 00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:51,584 He loved them and he was fucking them! 485 00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,670 I wish I had peed first. 486 00:20:53,878 --> 00:20:56,047 Why do I always wait so long to pee? 487 00:20:57,549 --> 00:20:59,134 I'm a grown man! 488 00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:02,804 I shouldn't eat when I'm full! 489 00:21:09,352 --> 00:21:11,271 Ma'am! Ma'am! 490 00:21:12,647 --> 00:21:13,648 Move! 491 00:21:19,654 --> 00:21:20,864 Ma'am. 492 00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:22,574 Ma'am. 493 00:21:25,368 --> 00:21:26,369 Oh, god. 494 00:21:27,579 --> 00:21:29,164 - Are you all right? - Sure. 495 00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:30,665 Easy. Oh. 496 00:21:31,749 --> 00:21:33,042 We did a number on this place. 497 00:21:33,710 --> 00:21:34,919 Selina: Jesus Christ. 498 00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:38,214 My mom was right and I ignored her. 499 00:21:38,590 --> 00:21:41,092 And I married my fucking father. 500 00:21:41,176 --> 00:21:43,470 We should call the fire department. I smell smoke. 501 00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:46,848 This is the book. This is the story 502 00:21:46,931 --> 00:21:48,641 of the gifted girl 503 00:21:48,725 --> 00:21:52,395 who triumphed over her parents' toxic marriage 504 00:21:52,479 --> 00:21:54,647 to become an American icon. 505 00:21:54,731 --> 00:21:58,651 Don't you see? I had no choice but to go into politics 506 00:21:58,735 --> 00:22:01,362 and be extraordinary and a sex symbol. 507 00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:02,739 And you're gonna write it. 508 00:22:10,121 --> 00:22:11,581 Guys, it's fine. 509 00:22:12,248 --> 00:22:13,708 Mike crashed my car. 510 00:22:13,791 --> 00:22:15,710 He's completely wasted. 511 00:22:16,586 --> 00:22:18,588 I made this at camp. 512 00:22:19,756 --> 00:22:21,591 Look, I made it at camp. 513 00:22:23,968 --> 00:22:25,386 - Ma'am. - Just leave him. 514 00:22:26,221 --> 00:22:30,725 And finally, an attempt to break the record for cooking the world's largest hamburger 515 00:22:30,808 --> 00:22:33,269 turned into an unhappy meal yesterday 516 00:22:33,353 --> 00:22:35,730 when the 45-foot-wide Patty caught fire. 517 00:22:35,939 --> 00:22:37,065 Danny, Jane. 518 00:22:37,148 --> 00:22:39,025 That's brie ramachandran with the world news. 519 00:22:39,484 --> 00:22:41,444 Boy, some scary moments there, I bet. 520 00:22:41,903 --> 00:22:43,029 - Frightening. - Mmm-hmm. 521 00:22:43,112 --> 00:22:45,406 Well, that's all the time we have. 522 00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:48,201 We'll see you in the tomorrow. 523 00:22:48,493 --> 00:22:50,161 - Bye now. - Bye. 524 00:22:50,245 --> 00:22:51,746 And we are clear. 525 00:22:51,955 --> 00:22:54,082 - Jane, perfect as always. - Oh, please. 526 00:22:54,290 --> 00:22:56,543 Hey, so, Danny, before I have a morning bagel, 527 00:22:56,626 --> 00:22:58,354 I just wanna make sure you don't wanna fuck that, too. 528 00:22:58,378 --> 00:22:59,379 Page six. 529 00:22:59,462 --> 00:23:02,924 "Jane McCabe's boy toy steps out with beefy blonde." 530 00:23:03,007 --> 00:23:04,175 What the fuck? 531 00:23:04,259 --> 00:23:06,970 Yeah, I don't think Jane's gonna like you out with a younger woman. 532 00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:08,555 That's Amy brookheimer. 533 00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:10,473 And she's way older than Jane. 534 00:23:10,807 --> 00:23:14,644 Hey, Jane, uh, just wanna make sure you're not mad about this 535 00:23:14,727 --> 00:23:18,231 because we're not actually fucking, and you know that, right? 536 00:23:18,314 --> 00:23:20,817 Yes, Danny, I know that we're not actually fucking 537 00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:22,193 because you're not a billionaire 538 00:23:22,569 --> 00:23:23,879 and I don't wanna catch anything. 539 00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:25,780 Okay, well, then maybe you can call the post 540 00:23:25,863 --> 00:23:27,967 and tell them that these rumors about us are complete bullshit 541 00:23:27,991 --> 00:23:29,951 'cause this is like Dewey blows Truman here. 542 00:23:30,034 --> 00:23:32,829 Dan, if I stop being fuckable, then I am grandma, 543 00:23:33,329 --> 00:23:36,040 and if I'm grandma, I will be replaced 544 00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:40,336 by two tits with a degree from American university over there. 545 00:23:43,965 --> 00:23:46,092 It's you. You're the one telling people. 546 00:23:46,384 --> 00:23:48,052 Smart and handsome. 547 00:23:50,513 --> 00:23:53,600 All right, the treasury secretary is meeting with house leadership 548 00:23:53,683 --> 00:23:55,268 about a hard date for the debt ceiling. 549 00:23:55,351 --> 00:23:57,270 Why do we always have to raise the ceiling? 550 00:23:57,353 --> 00:24:00,023 So you don't scrape your head, you giant barbecue fork. 551 00:24:00,273 --> 00:24:02,692 We need to get rid of your glasses. They make you look smart. 552 00:24:02,775 --> 00:24:04,027 - Okay. - Voters hate that. 553 00:24:04,402 --> 00:24:08,239 Okay. Next vote. Hr 2029, it's good old-fashioned pork barrel. 554 00:24:08,531 --> 00:24:10,783 Excuse me, don't say pork. Shawnee's Jewish. 555 00:24:10,867 --> 00:24:13,453 Okay, just refer to your color-coded chart. 556 00:24:13,536 --> 00:24:15,288 I've become close with a woman at kinko's 557 00:24:15,371 --> 00:24:17,790 who makes educational materials for preschoolers. 558 00:24:17,874 --> 00:24:20,627 Come on, if the other congressmen see me with a cheat sheet, 559 00:24:20,710 --> 00:24:23,522 - they're gonna think I'm a fucking idiot. - You can't unring that bell. 560 00:24:23,546 --> 00:24:25,882 Why can't we just write it on my hand like we used to? 561 00:24:25,965 --> 00:24:28,217 That worked. And I felt good about myself. 562 00:24:28,468 --> 00:24:30,887 - Take your tie off. - What? Like, right now? 563 00:24:31,346 --> 00:24:33,532 Okay, guys, will you just give us eight to ten minutes or so? 564 00:24:33,556 --> 00:24:35,391 No, you're switching to bow ties. 565 00:24:35,725 --> 00:24:37,525 No, I'm gonna look like that old popcorn homo. 566 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,229 You'll look like a school teacher or a small-town grocer. 567 00:24:40,438 --> 00:24:42,523 Good, solid new england professions. 568 00:24:42,982 --> 00:24:44,859 Yeah, or like a nation of islam badass. 569 00:24:44,942 --> 00:24:48,071 Small-town grocers do poll exceptionally well for probity. 570 00:24:48,279 --> 00:24:50,281 How do small-town child molesters poll? 571 00:24:50,698 --> 00:24:53,326 Oh! And you're voting against hr 2029. 572 00:24:53,409 --> 00:24:54,952 Wait, wait, Jesus, lady. 573 00:24:55,036 --> 00:24:57,622 We're talking about 300 jobs here at least. 574 00:24:57,705 --> 00:25:00,958 Jobs for wetlands duck fuckers who are never gonna vote for Jonah. 575 00:25:01,042 --> 00:25:04,003 Being against waste will play statewide, and even nationally. 576 00:25:05,713 --> 00:25:08,174 - Okay, vote "no." - Both: Vote "yes." 577 00:25:08,257 --> 00:25:10,760 If I vote "no," can I turn your drylands into wetlands? 578 00:25:11,260 --> 00:25:13,304 - Ugh! Fine. - Okay, thanks, babe. 579 00:25:13,388 --> 00:25:14,722 Stop it. Clean this shit up. 580 00:25:14,806 --> 00:25:16,766 Kent, would you mind just cleaning this shit up? 581 00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:19,143 Just straighten it up a little bit for me? Thank you. 582 00:25:19,227 --> 00:25:20,436 Well... 583 00:25:20,687 --> 00:25:23,439 The female form is a formidable adversary. 584 00:25:23,773 --> 00:25:26,609 Huh! Ironically, I have bigger tits. 585 00:25:26,693 --> 00:25:28,611 Here, ma'am, that's the letter of recommendation 586 00:25:28,695 --> 00:25:30,988 - for the Harper day school. - Yes, indeed, okay. 587 00:25:31,072 --> 00:25:32,872 - Ma'am, do you have a second? - Selina: Sure. 588 00:25:32,949 --> 00:25:34,968 Catherine, Richard and I have something important to tell you. 589 00:25:34,992 --> 00:25:36,992 - Okay. - I think you're gonna be really surprised. 590 00:25:37,620 --> 00:25:39,901 - Mom, what happened to your forehead? - Oh, it's nothing. 591 00:25:40,039 --> 00:25:41,708 Mike and I were at meemaw's last night 592 00:25:41,791 --> 00:25:44,168 and the stable got wrecked, by the way. 593 00:25:44,252 --> 00:25:45,771 - What? - How did the stable get wrecked? 594 00:25:45,795 --> 00:25:48,631 Anyway, you know how I have been searching forever 595 00:25:48,715 --> 00:25:50,800 for the perfect place for my library, 596 00:25:50,883 --> 00:25:53,803 and all along it's been staring at me in my face. 597 00:25:53,886 --> 00:25:56,264 I'm gonna turn meemaw's house 598 00:25:56,347 --> 00:26:00,476 into the selina meyer presidential birthplace and library. 599 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:01,894 - Just like fdr. - Yes. 600 00:26:02,145 --> 00:26:04,689 But wasn't meemaw living in palm beach when you were born? 601 00:26:04,772 --> 00:26:06,899 Catherine, I don't know. I was a baby. 602 00:26:06,983 --> 00:26:09,823 Okay. Well, you know, Marjorie and I were planning on moving down there. 603 00:26:09,902 --> 00:26:11,463 I mean, we were gonna have our family there. 604 00:26:11,487 --> 00:26:14,073 Well, Catherine, is there any parade that you cannot rain on? 605 00:26:14,365 --> 00:26:16,159 Ma'am, I just got off with sherman tanz. 606 00:26:16,242 --> 00:26:19,036 - Oh! And? - He is all in for the birthplace and library. 607 00:26:20,246 --> 00:26:22,749 I am so excited that he's excited. 608 00:26:22,832 --> 00:26:25,126 Yes. Well, he is asking one favor, though. 609 00:26:25,209 --> 00:26:28,087 Oh! Of course, he is. What does rumpleforeskin want? 610 00:26:28,171 --> 00:26:31,924 Apparently, he is having trouble getting his son into the Harper day school, 611 00:26:32,008 --> 00:26:35,428 so Mr. Tanz would love a letter of recommendation 612 00:26:35,511 --> 00:26:37,472 from the former president of the United States. 613 00:26:37,555 --> 00:26:38,765 Oh, my god. Is he joking? 614 00:26:38,848 --> 00:26:42,852 I mean, I can't write multiple letters of recommendation 615 00:26:42,935 --> 00:26:44,604 to some grammar school. 616 00:26:44,687 --> 00:26:45,855 Mike, give me the letter. 617 00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:51,694 - And what is his son's name? - Prescott. 618 00:26:51,778 --> 00:26:53,863 Prescott. Who does he think he's trying to kid? 619 00:26:53,946 --> 00:26:55,072 Okay, anyway, 620 00:26:55,531 --> 00:26:57,325 use this letter that Mike wrote. 621 00:26:57,909 --> 00:26:59,702 It's beautifully written, too, by the way. 622 00:26:59,786 --> 00:27:01,871 Mike, would you mind fixing this all up? 623 00:27:01,954 --> 00:27:04,266 - No, no. It'll just take a moment. - It's for the library, though. 624 00:27:04,290 --> 00:27:05,490 - You know that, right? - Sure. 625 00:27:05,541 --> 00:27:08,020 You want me to take out that I worked for you diligently for 20 years? 626 00:27:08,044 --> 00:27:10,755 Diligently? I'm not sure I concur with that. 627 00:27:10,838 --> 00:27:12,357 - Look, are you okay with this? - Yeah. 628 00:27:12,381 --> 00:27:14,008 She's gonna get into the school anyway. 629 00:27:14,675 --> 00:27:16,052 - She's Asian. - Sure. 630 00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:20,365 - He can't afford private school to begin with. - That's what I told him. 631 00:27:20,389 --> 00:27:23,684 It's like she doesn't hear me or even see me. 632 00:27:23,768 --> 00:27:27,063 And anytime she does, all she cares about is tearing me down. 633 00:27:27,146 --> 00:27:28,373 And it's like she's trying to ruin... 634 00:27:28,397 --> 00:27:30,983 Okay, Catherine, I know I'm not supposed to interrupt you, 635 00:27:31,067 --> 00:27:34,862 but do you realize these are the same complaints you've had for 15 years. 636 00:27:34,946 --> 00:27:36,823 Yeah, but they're not exactly the same. 637 00:27:36,906 --> 00:27:38,991 - I think that things have changed. - Okay. 638 00:27:39,075 --> 00:27:40,701 Catherine, sit up. You're slouching. 639 00:27:41,911 --> 00:27:43,231 And what is that on your sweater? 640 00:27:43,913 --> 00:27:47,625 It's just, like, a woman's face with sunglasses on. 641 00:27:48,626 --> 00:27:49,794 Let's stop for today. 642 00:27:51,295 --> 00:27:53,256 Selina: What's happening with my wax statue? 643 00:27:53,339 --> 00:27:56,467 Gary and I were able to have you placed 644 00:27:56,551 --> 00:27:59,220 - on the replica of the Truman balcony. - Oh! 645 00:27:59,303 --> 00:28:01,305 - So, it's very, very high up. - And safe. 646 00:28:01,430 --> 00:28:04,517 And you are encased in glass from the front and the back. 647 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,078 - And the back, and it's very safe. - All around. 648 00:28:06,102 --> 00:28:07,329 It's very striking and stately. 649 00:28:07,353 --> 00:28:10,189 So, people were trying to have sex with my statue. 650 00:28:10,273 --> 00:28:12,066 - Yeah. - Domestic terrorism. 651 00:28:12,149 --> 00:28:14,277 Still, it's better than standing next to Gerald Ford. 652 00:28:14,610 --> 00:28:16,028 That's the spirit. 653 00:28:16,112 --> 00:28:19,615 See, when people get near this, they just wanna do it. 654 00:28:19,699 --> 00:28:20,700 Oh, yeah. 655 00:28:20,783 --> 00:28:23,202 Thank god you're not trying to do me all the time. 656 00:28:23,619 --> 00:28:24,871 Right? 657 00:28:24,954 --> 00:28:26,539 - You all right? - Dominoes.