1 00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:09,927 (Exhales) 2 00:00:11,053 --> 00:00:12,054 (Door opens) 3 00:00:14,891 --> 00:00:16,851 Hey, ma'am, I think somebody's coming. 4 00:00:16,934 --> 00:00:18,102 Oh. Uh-oh. 5 00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:21,105 (Clears throat) 6 00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:25,151 Oh! 7 00:00:25,234 --> 00:00:26,402 - Oh, my god. - Gary. 8 00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:29,405 - Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god... - (Grunts) 9 00:00:30,406 --> 00:00:34,285 - Ah, president meyer. - President Stevenson. 10 00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,871 (Chuckles) Enjoying a stroll down memory Lane? 11 00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:39,207 Well, I'll tell you something, if this were my library, 12 00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:41,918 I would make sure the people could sit behind the desk. 13 00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:44,253 Can you even have a library? 14 00:00:44,337 --> 00:00:48,382 Seems like it'd be more like a bookmobile. 15 00:00:48,466 --> 00:00:50,092 (Both laughing) 16 00:00:51,636 --> 00:00:54,096 - Yeah. - Oh, my goodness, you're so funny. 17 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:57,600 If only the American people could've known you for your sense of humor, 18 00:00:57,683 --> 00:01:00,269 instead of your bizarre indifference to apartheid. 19 00:01:01,354 --> 00:01:03,648 - President Stevenson. - Ah, Mr. Splett. 20 00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:05,816 - Ma'am, I found one. - You found what? 21 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:08,003 - You told me to find all the pictures of you. - I didn't say that. 22 00:01:08,027 --> 00:01:09,654 - Is that your purse? - No. 23 00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:12,049 Let's go and see what else Hughes stole from the west wing. 24 00:01:12,073 --> 00:01:13,366 - You want to? - Yes. 25 00:01:13,449 --> 00:01:14,801 Selina: I think we're about to start this thing. 26 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:16,827 (Theme music playing) 27 00:01:20,206 --> 00:01:22,606 Selina: I don't understand how a guy who never cracked a book 28 00:01:22,667 --> 00:01:24,835 - can open up a library. - Let me tell you something, 29 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:27,421 Hughes literally grabbed this chopper the day you left office. 30 00:01:27,505 --> 00:01:29,715 Probably "jewed him down," as mother used to say, 31 00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:31,050 when she wasn't busy telling me 32 00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,486 he only picked me as a running mate 33 00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:34,553 - so that he could look taller. - Oh, my god. 34 00:01:34,637 --> 00:01:38,182 - Supermodels are your height. - It doesn't matter. She's dead. Who cares? 35 00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:41,852 Hey, that reminds me, we need to find a place for Andrew's desk upstairs. 36 00:01:41,936 --> 00:01:44,605 How is an ex-president's ex moving back in with her 37 00:01:44,689 --> 00:01:46,691 gonna go over with small-town america? 38 00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:50,778 Unlike small-town america, Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy. 39 00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,321 Oh, whoa! 40 00:01:52,405 --> 00:01:54,049 Man: Ma'am, may I get one with you and the first ladies? 41 00:01:54,073 --> 00:01:55,950 Oh, absolutely! 42 00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:57,034 No Mrs. Hughes. 43 00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:58,262 She must be hanging from the rafters somewhere. 44 00:01:58,286 --> 00:02:00,204 - Gale! - Don't forget the first husbands. 45 00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:03,207 Madame president, you look stunning in white. 46 00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:05,376 Where's ia presidenta? 47 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,296 I believe she is with president Hughes and the other formers, 48 00:02:08,379 --> 00:02:10,059 taking pictures in front of air force one. 49 00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:11,400 Wait, that wasn't on the schedule. 50 00:02:11,424 --> 00:02:12,842 I think it was an impromptu thing. 51 00:02:12,925 --> 00:02:15,011 They just happened to be chatting amongst themselves. 52 00:02:15,094 --> 00:02:17,638 Got it. So good to see you! 53 00:02:17,722 --> 00:02:19,140 Former fuckers. 54 00:02:19,223 --> 00:02:23,227 This is as impromptu as a colonoscopy, except with quadruple the assholes. 55 00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:24,830 Are we running from something scary, ma'am? 56 00:02:24,854 --> 00:02:26,873 No. Richard, you slow down. It'll look like I'm not running. 57 00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:28,482 - Gary, you go fast. - Gary: Yep. 58 00:02:28,566 --> 00:02:30,109 Oh, no, that's too fast. 59 00:02:31,777 --> 00:02:33,612 Selina: Okay, folks, listen up. 60 00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:36,574 I want a library. 61 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,552 (Sighs) I guess I could give up the gift wrapping room. 62 00:02:38,576 --> 00:02:39,577 No, no, no, 63 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:43,039 I want a goddamn look-at-the-size-of—my-dick, 64 00:02:43,122 --> 00:02:46,500 bring-history-to-life, presidential library. 65 00:02:46,584 --> 00:02:49,003 I'm the only living president who doesn't have one. 66 00:02:49,086 --> 00:02:51,732 - And you wanna know why that is? - Because you served less than one year? 67 00:02:51,756 --> 00:02:55,509 No! Because nobody gives me any respect. 68 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:59,347 I was a two-term senator. I was a congresswoman. 69 00:02:59,430 --> 00:03:00,848 - A mother. - No! 70 00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:03,434 I was the first woman vice president. 71 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:06,020 And america cannot forget that. 72 00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:09,106 Never forget. Sorry, that's the holocaust. Totally forgot. 73 00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:12,818 - I need a monument to selina meyer. - An institution. 74 00:03:12,902 --> 00:03:16,697 - Selina meyer belongs in an institution. - It was a spa. 75 00:03:16,781 --> 00:03:17,782 Let's do this! 76 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,426 Oh, you know what, we're on an airplane. I know that. 77 00:03:19,450 --> 00:03:21,011 What are you thinking about for a location? 78 00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:22,870 It's gonna be Yale. 79 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:26,207 Yale has the prestige. And, boys, it's where I went to law school. 80 00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:27,517 So, I mean, Yale's just perfect. 81 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:30,044 - Your outfits alone are gonna be a wing. - Selina: I know. 82 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:31,253 Dresses, belts... 83 00:03:31,337 --> 00:03:33,714 Now, look, I want you to start lining up architects. 84 00:03:33,798 --> 00:03:36,759 I wanna talk to every Tom, dick, and gehry out there. 85 00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:38,636 Maybe a female candidate. 86 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:41,764 Well, we're not redoing a kitchen here, you know? 87 00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:45,393 And we need to tell them that the Kennedy library is a reference point, 88 00:03:45,476 --> 00:03:47,120 'cause, you know, he was also a part-termer. 89 00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:48,312 You're right. 90 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:51,065 (Man chuckles) Can I bring anything? 91 00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:54,110 Ah, don't bring a thing. I'm gonna make my famous paella valenciana. 92 00:03:54,193 --> 00:03:57,071 We're looking foward to seeing you and your lovely wife on Saturday. 93 00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:58,531 All right, can't be too safe. 94 00:03:58,614 --> 00:04:01,909 That sweaty pederast has ruined more kids than the common core. 95 00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:05,579 Luckily, will's anal halitosis renders him completely unbouffable. 96 00:04:05,663 --> 00:04:06,747 Tell 'em why, will. 97 00:04:06,831 --> 00:04:09,351 I'm fortunate to be odious to all colors of the sexual spectrum. 98 00:04:09,375 --> 00:04:10,376 So, what is it? 99 00:04:10,835 --> 00:04:12,920 Speak, professor x-gayvier. 100 00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:15,548 Minority leader furlong, with congressman shields' retirement, 101 00:04:15,631 --> 00:04:17,716 there is an empty seat on ways and means, so... 102 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,427 Yeah, let me save you the peanut log 103 00:04:19,510 --> 00:04:22,221 you're about to squeeze out of your face anus here. 104 00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:24,765 No. You remain in detention on the ethics committee 105 00:04:24,849 --> 00:04:26,660 with the rest of the special ed breakfast club. 106 00:04:26,684 --> 00:04:28,727 Nobody in congress cares about ethics. 107 00:04:28,811 --> 00:04:30,688 Jonah Ryan needs to make waves. 108 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,440 Dismissed, g.I. Slow. 109 00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:35,151 - I'm free Saturday night. - I am shocked. 110 00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:39,238 Good luck getting your precious back from those mean hobbits, sméagol. 111 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,532 - Uh, Kent. - Will. 112 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:42,658 I, uh... 113 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,119 I'm so sorry, but, you know, a job's a job. 114 00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:47,788 That's a false equivalence, but I appreciate the sentiment. 115 00:04:47,872 --> 00:04:49,307 The first couple of years are the toughest, but... 116 00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:51,208 Jonah: Kent! Roger: Will! 117 00:04:51,876 --> 00:04:53,043 (Salsa music playing) 118 00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,296 What is this music, ma'am? 119 00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:57,465 It's Brazilian music. Andrew gave it to me. 120 00:04:57,548 --> 00:04:59,175 Ma'am, could you please stop dancing? 121 00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:01,427 - 'Cause I'm framing out your hips right now. - Sorry. 122 00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:03,870 You know, you're using an awful lot of paint for down there. 123 00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:06,140 Maybe use it for up here and focus on this. 124 00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:09,351 - Yeah, let's give the people what they want. - Okay, that's really... 125 00:05:09,435 --> 00:05:11,645 - I'm sorry, that was too much. - Way out of line. 126 00:05:11,729 --> 00:05:13,939 Knock, knock. Sorry to interrupt. Can we take five? 127 00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:17,359 Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry, Helen. Just five for a second. 128 00:05:17,443 --> 00:05:18,986 No, Gary knows how to do this. 129 00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:20,821 - Okay. Sorry. - What are you doing? 130 00:05:20,905 --> 00:05:22,907 - Evidently. Yeah. - God damn it, what is it? 131 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,159 - We have been rustling the bushes... - Yes? 132 00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:27,122 And it turns out that people are considerably 133 00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:29,079 more interested in your library 134 00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:32,291 than they are in adult literacy or aids. 135 00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:34,126 Well, I guess aids had a good run. 136 00:05:34,418 --> 00:05:36,295 It did. Um... 137 00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:39,548 I have a Pakistani industrialist friend 138 00:05:39,632 --> 00:05:43,677 who's interested in donating $20 million if you get his cousin off the no-fly list. 139 00:05:43,761 --> 00:05:45,888 As long as he promises not to blow up my library, 140 00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:47,371 I mean, I don't really give a shit. 141 00:05:47,932 --> 00:05:49,683 - Sure. - Okay. Richard! 142 00:05:49,767 --> 00:05:51,161 I've been standing here the entire time, ma'am. 143 00:05:51,185 --> 00:05:52,704 Just trying to keep still in case I'm in the painting. 144 00:05:52,728 --> 00:05:54,122 No, you're not in the painting. Come here. 145 00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:57,858 So, listen, in terms of the library, I really wanna have a reflecting pool. 146 00:05:57,942 --> 00:05:59,860 Some place for people to come and sit 147 00:05:59,944 --> 00:06:03,447 and reflect on what this cock-suck of a country did to me. 148 00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:05,199 - My pen's just out of ink. - Let's go. 149 00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:07,842 I'm gonna scratch it into the paper and then kind of go back over 150 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,096 and trace over and see what I wrote before like in a suspense movie. 151 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,624 Also, we heard back from Yale and their response was emphatic. 152 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:14,959 - It's a no. - (Gary gasps) 153 00:06:18,254 --> 00:06:21,006 Okay, Helen, I'm so sorry. Can we just take another five? 154 00:06:21,757 --> 00:06:24,552 Gary, I don't know why you keep doing that because... 155 00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:26,595 - Okay, just get back. - Yeah. 156 00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:29,557 What did Yale say? What did they say exactly? 157 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,476 They said the sherman tanz pardon was unsavory 158 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,228 and not in line with the values of Yale. 159 00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:35,956 Then they asked for a donation to their annual fund. 160 00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:36,980 How much do we send? 161 00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:40,568 Okay, who else do we know that went to Yale that can help us out? 162 00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:42,820 I did. I can call my ra. We're still pretty close. 163 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,280 Okay, well, that's, you know... 164 00:06:44,363 --> 00:06:46,407 Well, your undergrad Alma mater, Smith college, 165 00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:47,825 said they were open to exploring. 166 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,827 Just like a Smith girl open to exploring. 167 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,721 Lesbians would really know how to run a library, 168 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,373 - I can tell you that much. - It might not be a bad idea. 169 00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:57,334 A woman president, women's college, three hours from New York. 170 00:06:57,418 --> 00:06:58,794 And the fall foliage is amazing! 171 00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:02,840 You know what, can I just say something? Fuck Yale university. 172 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,008 - Fuck Yale. - Yeah. 173 00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:05,610 I'm not really comfortable with that kind of language. 174 00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,720 Fuck Yale university. We're going with Smith. 175 00:07:07,803 --> 00:07:09,430 Ellen. Have you guys seen Ellen? 176 00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:10,553 - Who? - Mike: My daughter. 177 00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:11,658 I had to bring her to work today 178 00:07:11,682 --> 00:07:13,368 and we're playing hide and seek, and now I can't find her. 179 00:07:13,392 --> 00:07:15,603 - I'm here, Mike! I'm going to hide again! - Oh, shit! 180 00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:17,372 - Oh, my god. - Okay, no, we're not hiding anymore. 181 00:07:17,396 --> 00:07:18,957 We're going to sit at daddy's desk with an iPad. 182 00:07:18,981 --> 00:07:20,274 She's too much! 183 00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:22,484 How the fuck long was that kid here for? 184 00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:24,862 I think just since today, but can't be sure. 185 00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:29,199 - We about done, do you think? - Well, we just got started, ma'am. 186 00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:31,660 What? 187 00:07:31,744 --> 00:07:33,120 It may look sunny, 188 00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:35,515 but with temperatures plunging down into the single digits, 189 00:07:35,539 --> 00:07:38,626 the coney island polar bear club is really earning its name this year. 190 00:07:38,709 --> 00:07:40,002 Hey, guys, wait for me! 191 00:07:40,294 --> 00:07:41,545 Yeah! 192 00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,631 All right! (Exclaiming) 193 00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:45,549 - Oh, my god! God, it's cold! - (Laughing) 194 00:07:46,050 --> 00:07:47,051 It's great, right? 195 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:48,844 I don't think this is working. 196 00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,221 - Well, obviously... - Denise! 197 00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:52,431 I'd cut it. 198 00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:55,017 I'm sure that there are some bored housewives out there 199 00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:57,436 that would enjoy ogling your Walter cronkite. 200 00:07:57,519 --> 00:08:01,065 But to me, it looks like local morning news from, I don't know, Delaware. 201 00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:03,150 No, it's so Delaware. Yeah, of course. 202 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:04,234 Denise! 203 00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:07,446 Jane, this piece was your idea. I didn't even wanna do it. 204 00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:11,241 Danny, I respect what you are trying to do, but maybe this isn't the best fit. 205 00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:14,328 "Not the best fit" the piece or "not the best fit" you and me? 206 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,330 Mostly the piece. 207 00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:17,706 - Hey, Jane! Okay. - You're late. 208 00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:20,584 Honestly, it could've gone worse. 209 00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:22,543 Jonah: Did you see that? 210 00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:24,838 I was standing right there, and furlong didn't invite me 211 00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:27,925 to his little power broker dinner party. I love paella. 212 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,844 Wives in this town make the social calendar. 213 00:08:30,928 --> 00:08:34,723 Mrs. Furlong likes inviting couples, not unregistered sex offenders. 214 00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:37,127 If you wanna position yourself for higher office long term, 215 00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:40,354 you will need a committed partner, specifically, a woman. 216 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:42,064 Fuck that dated paradigm! 217 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:45,317 I am a balling bachelor sexual congressman, 218 00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:48,862 and I will be passing bills by day and smashing gash by night. 219 00:08:48,946 --> 00:08:52,491 Congressman, being a bachelor in this town means you're gayer than a TV evangelist. 220 00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:54,243 God damn it! I hate homophobia. 221 00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:57,162 If it's any consolation, statistically speaking, 222 00:08:57,246 --> 00:09:01,041 married politicians have more sex with more single women 223 00:09:01,125 --> 00:09:02,668 than single politicians. 224 00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,878 Fine. Find me Mrs. Ryan. 225 00:09:05,421 --> 00:09:07,047 - Okay. - Not my mom. 226 00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:12,428 I don't give a damn what people say about hoyt steptoe, 227 00:09:12,511 --> 00:09:15,597 but when my opponent spreads lies about my wife? 228 00:09:15,681 --> 00:09:17,558 How dare you, buddy Calhoun? 229 00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:18,851 How dare you? 230 00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:21,103 No, he isn't. He's crying. 231 00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:23,731 (Laughs) What a fucking girl! 232 00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:26,650 Can I borrow you for a second, miss brookheimer? (Clears throat) 233 00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:30,404 I did not do this, absolutely, positively. 234 00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:33,907 Fine, I did it! But that's my job. 235 00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:36,535 I need to clear my head because this whole campaign 236 00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:38,120 is not going the way I envisioned it. 237 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:40,164 Oh, what did you envision, Woody, 238 00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,225 that you and buzz lightyear would win this election 239 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,334 and Andy would play with you again? 240 00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:47,838 Will you play that back? I wanna see him cry again. 241 00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:50,692 - Mike: All right, hit potus SUV. - Mmm-hmm. 242 00:09:50,716 --> 00:09:52,050 - Now, select playlist. - Mmm-hmm. 243 00:09:52,134 --> 00:09:53,260 And, voila'. 244 00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:56,096 - There you go, babe. (Clears throat) - Oh. Oh, I like that. 245 00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:58,015 Hey, who are we meeting with again today? 246 00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,893 The president of Smith college, Regina pell. 247 00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:03,812 Gigi pell. God, that's a blast from the past. 248 00:10:03,896 --> 00:10:07,733 - Aw, you were college buddies? - No, I don't really remember her that well. 249 00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:10,778 Also, estimates for construction are coming in at $300 million. 250 00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:12,029 - Oh. - What? 251 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:14,716 The money's out there. We just can't get our hands on it right now. 252 00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:17,201 How do you get this to read the texts and emails out loud? 253 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:21,455 I mean, can we reallocate some of the money from the meyer fund to the library? 254 00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:23,057 - Absolutely, yes. - That's actually a felony. 255 00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:24,641 We just tell 'em that we have it all... 256 00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:27,270 And then we just shuffle papers around until it looks like we actually do. 257 00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:28,921 - Okay. - That's also a felony. 258 00:10:30,214 --> 00:10:33,759 In order to find an ideal match, the restaurant, table, food, and time 259 00:10:33,842 --> 00:10:35,779 will be the same for every date to establish a control. 260 00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:36,863 The girl will be different. 261 00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:39,973 Jesus, Kent. He's just gotta go to a laundromat, meet a girl, 262 00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:41,850 take her to a movie, a little chit-chat, 263 00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:44,937 couple three drinks, standard hayjay in the cab home, 264 00:10:45,020 --> 00:10:46,814 and a year later, he's a father. 265 00:10:46,897 --> 00:10:48,333 Why do you make it so goddamn complicated? 266 00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:50,818 You know, one time, I tried hitting on a girl at a laundromat. 267 00:10:50,901 --> 00:10:53,487 For somebody with broken English, she was real uppity. 268 00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,824 - There's your answer. - Carry on. 269 00:10:56,907 --> 00:11:00,994 Every potential mate has been preselected from the online dating pool of DC women, 270 00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:04,957 ages 25 to 30, with a strong interest in marriage to you in particular. 271 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,352 Son of a bitch. I'm gonna go broke paying for all those dates. 272 00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:09,044 Unlikely. There's only four. 273 00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:13,757 We had to extend to the greater Baltimore, Arlington, Alexandria area to find them. 274 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:16,051 - Well, we got a "maybe" in Delaware. - That's right. 275 00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:19,096 - She's waiting to see your hair grow back. - So, maybe five? 276 00:11:19,388 --> 00:11:20,430 I'd budget for four. 277 00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:23,952 Selina: I must say I'm just blown away 278 00:11:23,976 --> 00:11:26,061 that you were able to raise so much money so quickly. 279 00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:29,064 You know what, I think I'm gonna go buy a splett shirt... uh, sweatshirt. 280 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,208 Yeah, that's what we call it in my family. 281 00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:31,233 Okay, great. 282 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:34,695 - Hi, ladies. - Well, this could not come at a better time. 283 00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:36,905 The selina meyer presidential library 284 00:11:36,989 --> 00:11:39,992 and school for public policy and women's studies 285 00:11:40,075 --> 00:11:41,427 is just where we need to be headed. 286 00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:43,704 I think that title is a bit of a word salad. 287 00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:45,622 Maybe trim that last part about women? 288 00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:48,876 And of course, you would be offered a full tenured professorship. 289 00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:51,312 - Now, would that mean I would have... - Teach? No. God, no. 290 00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:52,397 - Because... - Your schedule... 291 00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,172 My schedule is just constantly... 292 00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:55,674 - In flux. - Fucked. 293 00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:57,551 Flux. That's what I said. 294 00:11:57,634 --> 00:11:58,778 - Did you wanna hang that? - Yep. 295 00:11:58,802 --> 00:11:59,845 Great. 296 00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:01,054 (Both chuckle) 297 00:12:01,138 --> 00:12:02,973 - Look at us. - I just... I can't believe it. 298 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,225 - Do you remember that night junior year? - No. 299 00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:07,978 Chardonnay on the quad after Julia child day? 300 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:11,440 You know what, I'm strictly a scotch girl and I always have been, 301 00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:16,904 so, I never really experimented with chardonnay. 302 00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:22,492 So, I think you've got me confused with somebody else. 303 00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:23,952 I don't think I was confused. 304 00:12:24,036 --> 00:12:26,246 - Good for you. Yeah. - Yeah. All right. 305 00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:28,874 - So... we're going up here? - Yes, we are going up here. 306 00:12:29,625 --> 00:12:32,669 I understand you girls have some questions about the library? 307 00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,755 Yeah. You know what, actually, just before that... 308 00:12:34,838 --> 00:12:35,839 Mmm-hmm. Sure. 309 00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,400 I wanted to ask you about your controversial pardon 310 00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,259 - of sherman tanz... - Renee. 311 00:12:39,343 --> 00:12:41,803 And the recent revelations of widespread abuse 312 00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:44,097 in his women's prisons that he owns in New York. 313 00:12:44,181 --> 00:12:45,950 - Wait till she crosses her legs. - Sure, okay. 314 00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:50,938 Things aren't always as black and white as they may seem. Um... 315 00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:52,147 Now, now, now... 316 00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:53,607 Not that it matters, 317 00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:58,278 but as a nephew of a survivor of the holocaust... 318 00:12:58,362 --> 00:12:59,863 - Mmm... - Hmm. 319 00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:06,244 Sherman tanz is particularly sensitive to prison conditions. 320 00:13:06,328 --> 00:13:11,625 And he is intimately involved with every aspect of his company. 321 00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:15,420 Now, that being said, he had no idea what was going on. 322 00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:20,550 And he immediately fired the number five man in charge 323 00:13:20,634 --> 00:13:22,386 as well as a couple of sixes. 324 00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:25,639 - But, you know, the male-dominated media... - Yes. 325 00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:27,122 They just can't help themselves. 326 00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:28,934 Sadly, it's what I've come to expect 327 00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:32,729 from the gatekeepers of this patriarchal 328 00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,942 - "phallus quo." - (Laughter) 329 00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:38,402 Selina: I apologize. 330 00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:41,989 That's why it's so vital that we have a school for public policy... 331 00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:43,115 And women's studies. 332 00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,158 Tbd, uh, here at Smith. 333 00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:46,785 - Yes. - (Applause) 334 00:13:47,411 --> 00:13:48,996 It's the first woman president, y'all! 335 00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:52,124 Yeah, holla, holla, holla. 336 00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:53,917 Thank you. 337 00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:55,293 (Baby crying) 338 00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:57,379 Sorry, ma'am. Wendy's mom couldn't babysit today. 339 00:13:57,462 --> 00:13:59,232 But we can keep cracking away at that prologue. 340 00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:00,716 I've got some exciting ideas. 341 00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:03,069 I hope one of them is changing out of that shroud of urine. 342 00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,093 Say bye-bye. 343 00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:05,363 It doesn't have to say goodbye. 344 00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:07,407 Remember that we have the fundraiser for the library tonight? 345 00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:09,725 - I do, yes. Huh? - Wear something tight. 346 00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:13,520 - That's not for them, that's for me. - Oh, god. You are bad! 347 00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:15,313 Agreed. 348 00:14:15,397 --> 00:14:17,941 Hey, dad, can you move your desk? It's where Marjorie and I... 349 00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:20,878 - Gary, you gotta give Mike one of your shirts. - They're bespoke tailored. 350 00:14:20,902 --> 00:14:22,362 Until mommy and I figure out 351 00:14:22,446 --> 00:14:23,947 our new co-living arrangements. 352 00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:26,074 Well, I guess I'll just wrap gifts on the sidewalk. 353 00:14:26,158 --> 00:14:27,385 I thought you'd be more supportive. 354 00:14:27,409 --> 00:14:29,536 Remember, in seventh grade, when you ran away? 355 00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:32,682 You were crying and crying 'cause you wanted daddy and I to get back together. 356 00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,374 And you sent me to etiquette camp. 357 00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:36,418 Yes, where you learned to interrupt, evidently. 358 00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:38,229 - (Baby crying) - Did Mike bring his babies? 359 00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:40,023 Those babies are so delicious, I could eat them. 360 00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:41,465 Well, that would quiet them down. 361 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:45,052 - Speaking of, dad, mom... - Gary. 362 00:14:45,135 --> 00:14:47,971 Marjorie and I are having a baby. 363 00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:50,474 What? (Laughing) 364 00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:54,227 This is wonderful, wonderful news. 365 00:14:54,311 --> 00:14:57,147 Wait a minute, what? One of you is pregnant? 366 00:14:57,230 --> 00:15:00,192 Congratulations. So, which one of you is the carrier? 367 00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:04,696 Oh, we're not pregnant yet. We're just gonna look for a sperm donor. 368 00:15:04,780 --> 00:15:07,240 If Catherine's uterus is as loamy as the doctor says, 369 00:15:07,324 --> 00:15:08,992 you're gonna be a grand ma'am. 370 00:15:09,618 --> 00:15:12,079 - But I'm only 49. - (Gary chuckles) 371 00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:13,246 (Clears throat) 372 00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:15,457 Let's catch up later. I have to jet. 373 00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:17,084 Wait, you're leaving now? 374 00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,419 This is thrilling news! I have to tell the world! 375 00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:20,545 Yeah, but... okay. 376 00:15:20,629 --> 00:15:23,423 Hey, just so you guys know, you gotta be careful with sperm banks. 377 00:15:23,507 --> 00:15:25,151 - Did you hear about the one in Georgia? - No. 378 00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:28,095 Turns out the guy was actually a mentally ill felon. 379 00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:31,723 Oh, my god. Can you imagine having a baby in Georgia? Jesus Christ. 380 00:15:31,807 --> 00:15:33,892 You have to pick someone you know that you trust. 381 00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:37,354 Why don't you use Gary's sperm? It's just sitting there gathering dust. 382 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,605 (Laughing) 383 00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:40,148 I mean, if it came to that. 384 00:15:40,232 --> 00:15:43,235 God, I wish there was some way we could do this without men. 385 00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:44,903 - No offense. - None taken. 386 00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:49,116 Okay, I can't look at you, cape fear, until Gary gets you a shirt. 387 00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:51,618 - What size are you? - Me? Large. 388 00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:53,787 (Sighs and laughs) 389 00:15:58,542 --> 00:16:00,794 Hey, do you know how they remove a cancerous testicle? 390 00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:04,631 A lot of people think that they just slice one off, right? 391 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:07,717 What they really do is they make an incision just a little bit further up, 392 00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:11,298 and they go in and they grab the testicle and they pull it out of the scrotum, 393 00:16:11,346 --> 00:16:13,366 and out through the body. And I know what you're thinking. 394 00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:16,351 The one that I still have, like, it worksjust fine. 395 00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:18,145 - Of course. - All right, so, who's hungry? 396 00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:19,980 Oh, I... yeah. 397 00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:22,566 You can get a dessert or an appetizer, but not both. 398 00:16:24,276 --> 00:16:27,070 Dessert, then. I got a sweet tooth. 399 00:16:28,572 --> 00:16:31,992 Okay. Question, do you have any current pictures of your mother? 400 00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:36,204 - I'm gonna need both front and rear. - You know, I just gotta run to the bathroom. 401 00:16:36,288 --> 00:16:37,998 - All right, cool. No, of course. - Great. 402 00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:42,252 Oh, the bathroom's through that way. 403 00:16:44,296 --> 00:16:48,675 Okay, so, who's the big, swinging dick at this fundraising gangbang tonight? 404 00:16:48,758 --> 00:16:51,511 David Sloane, hedge fund manager. He's in for a million. 405 00:16:51,595 --> 00:16:54,598 $1 .5 if we can get his dyslexic daughter into Smith. 406 00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:58,602 Well, maybe get her to write the check. Get $5.1 out of him. (Chuckles) 407 00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:02,856 What do you think about our little girl becoming a mother? 408 00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,317 I'm just... I'm feeling really old. 409 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,860 You're being ridiculous. 410 00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:08,921 People are gonna think you're the hot, young babysitter. 411 00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:09,988 No, they won't. 412 00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:12,782 - Like we played last night. - Oh, my god. 413 00:17:13,825 --> 00:17:16,411 Stop it, Mr. Meyer. 414 00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:17,954 (Both chuckling) 415 00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:20,790 - Do you want a snack, or... no? - No, thanks. 416 00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:23,186 Automated voice: You have three text messages from Helen Wright. 417 00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:24,252 Is that my phone? 418 00:17:24,336 --> 00:17:25,921 No, my pants didn't vibrate. 419 00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:28,506 That's me. Sorry, I'll get... turn that off. 420 00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:30,091 Do you want to hear the messages? 421 00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:31,384 No, no. It's okay. 422 00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:33,762 - I did not recognize that command. - No. 423 00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:35,305 You have to really enunciate. 424 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,557 No. No. 425 00:17:37,641 --> 00:17:42,062 Message number one. "I can still taste you in my mouth from last night." 426 00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:43,247 What the fuck is going on right now? 427 00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:44,290 Oh, boy, we should not be listening to that. 428 00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:46,191 That's probably to her boyfriend, or something. 429 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:47,835 - What the fuck? - I imagine she's texting 430 00:17:47,859 --> 00:17:51,905 while riding her bicycle and sent it to me by mistake. 431 00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:54,282 Second message. "You came so much. 432 00:17:54,366 --> 00:17:57,202 "Andrew, we ruined your wife's pretty office chair. 433 00:17:57,285 --> 00:18:00,497 "I get so hot thinking of the president sitting in our love puddle. 434 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,165 "Call me after the fundraiser." 435 00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:04,251 That was a long one. She must be at a light. 436 00:18:10,799 --> 00:18:12,300 Look, lee_. 437 00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:17,472 Not one fucking word. 438 00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:23,853 You are the devil! 439 00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:26,314 You are the fucking devil! 440 00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:28,358 You are the fucking devil! 441 00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:29,693 Stop, Gary! Stop! 442 00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:34,406 Gary: I swear to god! I will kill you! Selina: Stop it! 443 00:18:34,489 --> 00:18:35,824 - Woman: President meyer! - Hello. 444 00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:37,993 Hey! So happy to see you. 445 00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:39,345 Man: Does the library have a name? 446 00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:45,250 It's the selina meyer presidential library and school for public policy, and that's all. 447 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,794 We're really excited. Really, really excited. 448 00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:50,588 Thank you so much. Yeah, we have a lot of good friends here. 449 00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:54,926 So, luckily, the doctors were able to remove the mass without a full mastectomy, 450 00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:56,636 so I got to keep my nipple. 451 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:57,762 Woo-hoo! Right? 452 00:18:57,846 --> 00:18:59,282 I'm gonna go ahead and be honest with you. 453 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,306 That was the most disgusting story I've ever heard. 454 00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:03,685 I can't finish my chicken piccata. 455 00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:06,313 Excuse me. We're gonna get her dessert to go. 456 00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:08,773 Sorry, I think I have to use the restroom, okay? 457 00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:12,944 The restroom is that way. 458 00:19:13,028 --> 00:19:17,032 I mean, I just can't believe I fell for it again! 459 00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:18,950 Andrew is very hard to get rid of. 460 00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:21,578 He's like the herpes virus, or an unwanted child. 461 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:22,996 In this case, he gave me both. 462 00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:26,499 You can't just be that woman who's standing by her man, 463 00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:29,961 smiling like lobotomy Barbie while he goes fucking... 464 00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:33,256 - I know. Lknovv, but, Amy, do you think that... - Ma'am, I gotta go. 465 00:19:33,757 --> 00:19:38,094 Well, Amy brookheimerjust hung up on me. Doesn't get lower than that, does it? 466 00:19:40,263 --> 00:19:42,932 Oh, you are really loving this, aren't you? 467 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,727 Well, I just didn't wanna tell you, "I told you so," but... 468 00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:47,228 Well, because you didn't. 469 00:19:47,312 --> 00:19:50,357 Right? You just rolled your eyes like the world's bitchiest mime. 470 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:51,917 Like you just did right there. I just... 471 00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:53,336 - And there it is again, see? - Catherine: Hey, mom. 472 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,837 I just wanted to see how you were doing. 473 00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:57,822 God, I'm really starting to understand this whole lesbian thing now. 474 00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:58,924 Glad you're coming around. 475 00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:04,162 I'm just getting drunk here on Gary's great bourbon from his inbred backwoods family. 476 00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:07,916 - What? There is zero inbreeding in my family. - Well, that's not true at all. 477 00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:09,417 And only case of schizophrenia, 478 00:20:09,501 --> 00:20:12,837 but my uncle-grandpa had her sterilized, and we are all good in that area. 479 00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:14,899 Now, he's just going on and on for no apparent reason. 480 00:20:14,923 --> 00:20:19,928 Listen, honey, I want you to tell your whore of a father 481 00:20:20,011 --> 00:20:23,056 - that I fired the art skank. - Yeah. 482 00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:24,933 Well, I'm not gonna tell him you said that, 483 00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:28,937 but I am really sorry that dad did this to you. 484 00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:32,565 That is just the sweetest thing. 485 00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:34,734 We're just one big, happy family! 486 00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:36,569 - No. - Okay. 487 00:20:37,112 --> 00:20:38,696 You know what I'm thinking? 488 00:20:39,948 --> 00:20:43,368 Maybe this isn't a good time for you to get pregnant. 489 00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:47,580 You are the worst. 490 00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:50,834 - What? - Where is that... what? 491 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,210 - That's from her father. - Yeah. 492 00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:53,503 Ma'am, 493 00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:57,424 you are unstable and manipulative, 494 00:20:57,507 --> 00:21:00,093 and I worry about the genes you'll pass down to our child, 495 00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:02,345 but your ex is worse. 496 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:08,768 I appreciate that. Means a lot. You're like a son to me. 497 00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,938 - Thank you, ma'am. - You can call me "mom." 498 00:21:13,314 --> 00:21:14,649 Thank you, mom. 499 00:21:16,025 --> 00:21:18,570 Except, you know, it doesn't quite sound right, 500 00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:20,447 you know, when you hear it out loud. 501 00:21:20,530 --> 00:21:22,782 - So, let's just stick with the "ma'am." - Ma'am. 502 00:21:22,866 --> 00:21:24,534 - Yes, ma'am. - Yeah, yeah, thank you. 503 00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:27,287 - Yeah, that was a good edit. Really good edit. - Right? Yeah. 504 00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:29,247 - Go back to where we were with that. - Yeah. 505 00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:33,960 (Grunts) 506 00:21:35,753 --> 00:21:38,173 - Do you wanna label any of these boxes? - No! 507 00:21:41,092 --> 00:21:45,722 And I want all the touch screens to say that they're powered by my clean energy initiative 508 00:21:45,805 --> 00:21:47,599 'cause those ecotards love that shit. 509 00:21:47,682 --> 00:21:49,642 - Do you want a butterscotch? - Nothing for me. 510 00:21:49,726 --> 00:21:50,852 - Ma'am, bad news. - What? 511 00:21:50,935 --> 00:21:52,855 Helen Wright is going public with you firing her. 512 00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:54,623 It's in the post and getting traction elsewhere. 513 00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:55,648 Jesus Christ! 514 00:21:55,732 --> 00:22:00,111 She's telling the world about how she was blowing Andrew in my office chair? 515 00:22:00,195 --> 00:22:02,235 No, ma'am, it's mostly about how Andrew pursued her, 516 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:03,960 how she's the victim, how she lost herjob, 517 00:22:04,032 --> 00:22:07,452 - and then there's this nickname stuff. - What nickname stuff are you talking about? 518 00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:10,455 Apparently, Andrew kept referring to his penis as the "first chubby." 519 00:22:10,914 --> 00:22:13,666 - Oh, god. All right, your fly is down. - What? 520 00:22:14,417 --> 00:22:16,252 Oh, wait, guys, we don't have a problem. 521 00:22:16,336 --> 00:22:20,131 Helen signed an nda. We're gonna sue her for breach of contract. 522 00:22:20,215 --> 00:22:22,675 Well, we could had we paid her. 523 00:22:22,759 --> 00:22:24,636 - Who was in charge of that? - Andrew. 524 00:22:24,844 --> 00:22:28,556 Okay, well, fucked again by the first chubby. 525 00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:32,143 - And both of your shoes are untied. - How did that happen? 526 00:22:32,227 --> 00:22:34,187 I got one theory. 527 00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:36,856 - Oh, my god. - What? 528 00:22:36,940 --> 00:22:39,400 This Helen thing is exploding. It's everywhere. 529 00:22:39,484 --> 00:22:41,420 Are you sure you don't wanna hire a communications director? 530 00:22:41,444 --> 00:22:42,987 Okay, fine, you're hired. 531 00:22:43,071 --> 00:22:45,031 - Congratulations! - What are they saying? 532 00:22:45,114 --> 00:22:48,535 Well, they're mad at you for victim-blaming Helen for Andrew's behavior. 533 00:22:48,618 --> 00:22:50,453 - You're fired. - Tough break, buddy. 534 00:22:50,537 --> 00:22:54,374 I'm the only one who didn't do anything wrong in this trifuckta. 535 00:22:54,457 --> 00:22:57,710 - And now, I'm wearing the Scarlet letter? - Oh, my... that is your color. 536 00:22:57,794 --> 00:22:59,438 Oh, ma'am, look how excited they are to see you. 537 00:22:59,462 --> 00:23:01,690 Wait. You know what? You might not wanna look out the window. 538 00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:03,007 No justice, no library! 539 00:23:03,091 --> 00:23:05,301 No justice, no library! 540 00:23:05,385 --> 00:23:08,388 - Nojustice, no library! - I understand everything. 541 00:23:08,471 --> 00:23:10,366 I'll tell you something, I can tell you're very emotional 542 00:23:10,390 --> 00:23:13,851 because I am very emotional, too, about this issue. 543 00:23:13,935 --> 00:23:15,228 Helen Wright is a victim! 544 00:23:15,311 --> 00:23:17,605 I think that we are both victims in this circumstance. 545 00:23:17,689 --> 00:23:20,108 - How the fuck can you say that? - I can say that... 546 00:23:20,191 --> 00:23:22,151 - Don't talk over me! - Okay. 547 00:23:22,235 --> 00:23:24,153 I think we need to tone down... 548 00:23:24,237 --> 00:23:26,239 (Indistinct shouting) 549 00:23:27,198 --> 00:23:30,243 Jane: Scandal continues to dog selina meyer... 550 00:23:30,326 --> 00:23:31,326 What is this snapping? 551 00:23:31,369 --> 00:23:35,832 As allegations of sexual misconduct swirl around her ex-husband, Andrew meyer. 552 00:23:35,915 --> 00:23:41,379 And speaking of politics, he's 28 feet tall and only bathes once a year. 553 00:23:41,629 --> 00:23:43,006 That's right, Jane. 554 00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:45,484 The Lincoln memorial has been undergoing its annual cleaning, 555 00:23:45,508 --> 00:23:46,926 so, I'm heading to DC. 556 00:23:47,010 --> 00:23:49,822 Gonna check in with the people down there that are involved with the project. 557 00:23:49,846 --> 00:23:50,930 Very exciting stuff. 558 00:23:51,514 --> 00:23:53,016 What fun! 559 00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:55,744 - Don't forget to pack your long Johns, Danny. - (Chuckles) Will do. 560 00:23:55,768 --> 00:23:58,605 80, until tomorrow, I'm Jane McCabe. 561 00:23:58,688 --> 00:24:01,608 - And I'm Danny egan. - See you in the tomorrow. 562 00:24:01,691 --> 00:24:03,276 - And we're clear. - Denise! 563 00:24:04,527 --> 00:24:05,862 - Do me a favor. - Sure, man. 564 00:24:06,195 --> 00:24:08,781 Wrap that wire around my neck until I'm dead. 565 00:24:08,865 --> 00:24:09,991 (Protestors chanting) 566 00:24:10,074 --> 00:24:11,802 Regina: I am so sorry about the protest out there. 567 00:24:11,826 --> 00:24:14,329 I don't like the word "shrill" because it's so misogynistic, 568 00:24:14,412 --> 00:24:16,748 - but in this case... - Regina: Believe me, I understand. 569 00:24:16,831 --> 00:24:19,542 - I mean, there isn't a tampon in the world... - Right? 570 00:24:19,626 --> 00:24:23,004 Big enough to soak up that mess out there, my god. 571 00:24:23,087 --> 00:24:26,299 So, um, I think the architects are meeting us today, or... 572 00:24:26,382 --> 00:24:30,219 Selina, we have to put the library on hold. 573 00:24:30,845 --> 00:24:34,474 What? Because of those 18-year-old bitches out there? 574 00:24:34,557 --> 00:24:37,310 What am I supposed to do, rehire Frida swallow? 575 00:24:37,393 --> 00:24:40,438 - Well... - Well, that's not gonna happen. 576 00:24:40,521 --> 00:24:42,583 - It would totally defuse their rage. - No, no, no, no. 577 00:24:42,607 --> 00:24:45,777 It would show that you listened if you made a public show of embracing her. 578 00:24:45,860 --> 00:24:50,239 No, that's like Princess di hiring Camilla Parker bowles to be her limo driver. 579 00:24:50,323 --> 00:24:52,825 I mean, I'm just... You know, although in that case, 580 00:24:52,909 --> 00:24:54,762 it would've worked out better for her, obviously, but... 581 00:24:54,786 --> 00:24:57,497 Selina, we're talking about your legacy for the ages. 582 00:24:57,580 --> 00:24:59,082 - Oh, my god. - Just think about it. 583 00:24:59,165 --> 00:25:02,543 Just... Regina, can we just take a pause here? 584 00:25:02,919 --> 00:25:04,003 - Okay. - Um... 585 00:25:05,922 --> 00:25:10,093 Why don't you and I go out to dinner, okay, and if we... 586 00:25:12,220 --> 00:25:16,182 If we need more time, you know, let's go back to my hotel, 587 00:25:16,265 --> 00:25:18,601 and we can have that chardonnay... 588 00:25:19,435 --> 00:25:21,020 I'm in a committed relationship. 589 00:25:22,271 --> 00:25:26,401 Yeah, I really, honestly... I have no idea what you're talking about. 590 00:25:26,484 --> 00:25:28,194 (Chuckling) You'rejust, like... 591 00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:31,548 Buddy: I can't believe I spent the night in jail. 592 00:25:31,572 --> 00:25:35,118 It's a piddly dui. In Nevada, that's practically a resume builder. 593 00:25:35,201 --> 00:25:38,561 There's a guy driving drunk on the state flag right next to the guy beating his wife. 594 00:25:38,621 --> 00:25:40,164 No, it's a five-pointed star. 595 00:25:40,248 --> 00:25:43,042 Hey, hobos, get off the Internet. This isn't the library. 596 00:25:43,126 --> 00:25:46,337 This is the dashcam footage from buddy's arrest last night. 597 00:25:46,421 --> 00:25:49,298 Buddy: Easy! Easy, pretty lady. What, are you on the rag? 598 00:25:49,882 --> 00:25:51,360 Officer: Calm down, sir. Hands on the hood. 599 00:25:51,384 --> 00:25:52,552 It's a pretty pristine image. 600 00:25:52,635 --> 00:25:54,887 Oh, yeah, you're all hot and juicy now. 601 00:25:54,971 --> 00:25:56,431 I bet if I take you home to bed, 602 00:25:56,514 --> 00:25:59,100 you're just gonna lie there with your BlackBerry, 603 00:25:59,183 --> 00:26:01,102 and no dirty talk for uncle buddy then. 604 00:26:01,185 --> 00:26:02,854 That is not about you. 605 00:26:02,937 --> 00:26:04,313 You think I don't have balls? 606 00:26:04,397 --> 00:26:08,401 Guess what, I got balls. I got big, blue balls. You wanna see them? 607 00:26:08,484 --> 00:26:10,987 You wanna see my blue balls? This is them! 608 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,156 - Get on the hood. - Ow! 609 00:26:13,656 --> 00:26:15,241 You know, I blacked out. 610 00:26:15,324 --> 00:26:17,744 I don't remember any of that. (Chuckles nervously) 611 00:26:17,827 --> 00:26:19,871 Okay? Can I count on your vote? 612 00:26:19,954 --> 00:26:21,581 I'm on my way to check it out. 613 00:26:22,832 --> 00:26:25,251 Um, I love sting's solo stuff. 614 00:26:25,334 --> 00:26:27,754 Say your favorite album on three. One, two, three... 615 00:26:27,837 --> 00:26:28,880 - Soul cages. - Soul cages. 616 00:26:28,963 --> 00:26:30,065 - Come on, get out of here! - Stop it. 617 00:26:30,089 --> 00:26:31,984 - Are you serious? - Yeah, of course. What else is it gonna be? 618 00:26:32,008 --> 00:26:33,068 - That's crazy. - (Chuckles) 619 00:26:33,092 --> 00:26:34,427 - Can I say something? - Sure! 620 00:26:34,510 --> 00:26:36,387 - You have a rockin' body. - Well, thank you. 621 00:26:36,471 --> 00:26:38,031 You know, go ahead and order a dessert. 622 00:26:38,097 --> 00:26:40,617 - I know you had an appetizer... - I'm not a dessert kind of girl. 623 00:26:40,641 --> 00:26:43,144 Hey, if it isn't congressman Jonah Ryan of New Hampshire. 624 00:26:43,227 --> 00:26:46,189 - Hi! - This is my friend, Dan, who was just leaving. 625 00:26:46,272 --> 00:26:49,108 - What are you doing? - Shit, she can see. That's a shocker. 626 00:26:49,192 --> 00:26:52,570 Oh, wow. You're Danny. I watch you when I'm on the treadmill. 627 00:26:52,653 --> 00:26:54,047 - Of course you work out. - It's just "Dan." 628 00:26:54,071 --> 00:26:56,491 And let me give you one word of advice... run. 629 00:26:56,574 --> 00:26:59,368 This predator has roofied more women than kappa Alpha cosby. 630 00:26:59,452 --> 00:27:01,037 Okay, that's not an actual fraternity. 631 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:03,849 So, unless you enjoy the thrill of waking up in a basement torture dungeon... 632 00:27:03,873 --> 00:27:05,017 - No. - I'd say call it a night. 633 00:27:05,041 --> 00:27:07,081 - You know, maybe I should go. - Kristal, it's fine. 634 00:27:07,126 --> 00:27:09,396 It's just an unfinished basement, and he's just fucking with you. 635 00:27:09,420 --> 00:27:12,620 This is for trapping me in a job that makes me long for the days of selina meyer. 636 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:14,342 And I'm gonna fuck your girlfriend. 637 00:27:14,592 --> 00:27:15,843 - Oh, and, kristal? - Yes. 638 00:27:15,927 --> 00:27:17,279 - Hey, can I give you a ride home? - Okay. 639 00:27:17,303 --> 00:27:18,721 It's the least I could do. 640 00:27:20,181 --> 00:27:21,557 Sir, can I have the check? 641 00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:29,482 I'm sorry, could you move your head a little bit more into the light, ma'am? 642 00:27:29,565 --> 00:27:31,234 Yeah, I'm not gonna do that. 643 00:27:31,317 --> 00:27:32,485 (Shushing) 644 00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:34,654 - Okay... - Sorry to interrupt. 645 00:27:35,655 --> 00:27:36,989 Smith said no. 646 00:27:37,573 --> 00:27:38,574 (Scoffs) 647 00:27:40,743 --> 00:27:44,372 Well, you can pack up your crayons and get the fuck out of here. 648 00:27:45,081 --> 00:27:46,082 What? 649 00:27:46,165 --> 00:27:47,542 - Gary. - Yeah. 650 00:27:51,420 --> 00:27:52,420 Oh, my god, sorry. 651 00:27:52,463 --> 00:27:55,091 If there's one thing I learned in the air national guard, 652 00:27:55,174 --> 00:27:57,593 it is respect for a woman in uniform. 653 00:27:57,969 --> 00:27:59,595 I have no hate in my heart. 654 00:27:59,679 --> 00:28:03,516 I love women, especially my beautiful fiancee, Amy. 655 00:28:03,599 --> 00:28:06,143 But now, it is time to focus on the issues at hand 656 00:28:06,227 --> 00:28:09,939 that concern the people of the state of Nevada. Let us pray. 657 00:28:12,441 --> 00:28:13,484 Heavenly father, 658 00:28:13,818 --> 00:28:17,071 warden of eternal light, 659 00:28:18,239 --> 00:28:20,616 teach us to love women, 660 00:28:20,700 --> 00:28:23,995 but in a way that is respectful. 661 00:28:24,078 --> 00:28:26,080 And also, your compassion. 662 00:28:28,291 --> 00:28:29,625 And amen.