1 00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:08,551 (Theme music playing) 2 00:00:09,427 --> 00:00:11,804 Well, this last year has been fun. 3 00:00:11,888 --> 00:00:13,514 You know, really fun! 4 00:00:13,890 --> 00:00:15,391 I mean, I'm not gonna lie. 5 00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:18,186 You know, to have gotten so close to the presidency 6 00:00:18,269 --> 00:00:21,772 and then have the American people and congress 7 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:24,025 reject me was, um... 8 00:00:25,985 --> 00:00:27,361 Was devastating. 9 00:00:29,113 --> 00:00:30,323 But, um... 10 00:00:30,990 --> 00:00:35,077 I did reacquaint myself with an old friend of mine 11 00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:37,997 by the name of selina meyer. 12 00:00:38,915 --> 00:00:40,666 And I like her. (Chuckles) 13 00:00:40,750 --> 00:00:42,335 That's fantastic. 14 00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:46,297 If you're justjoining us, former president and my old boss, 15 00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:49,675 selina meyer, is with us live for her first public appearance 16 00:00:49,759 --> 00:00:53,387 since the historic vote in the house of representatives one year ago today. 17 00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:55,306 Madam president, why now? 18 00:00:55,598 --> 00:00:59,393 Well, Dan, [realized that I have more of myself to give. 19 00:00:59,477 --> 00:01:00,645 This is a big day, people. 20 00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:02,146 Campaign starts right now, 21 00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:05,066 because we are going to make buddy Calhoun the next governor 22 00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:06,651 of this dried coyote turd of a state. 23 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:09,737 My campaign manager and fiancee, Amy brookheimer. 24 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:12,406 - Can you just say "campaign manager"? - I love that enthusiasm. 25 00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:14,325 Reminder. Nevada is the sagebrush state... 26 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:17,370 Yeah, so saddle up those emphysema tanks, you inbred cousin-fuckers, 27 00:01:17,453 --> 00:01:19,848 'cause we are going to drag this state into the 20th century. 28 00:01:19,872 --> 00:01:21,707 - Well... - That's right, I said 20th. 29 00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:24,126 (Chuckles) Tracy, how are we doing on yard signs? 30 00:01:24,210 --> 00:01:28,673 Writing a memoir, I feel, is a debt that a president owes to history. 31 00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:30,132 - Amen. - Cameraman: Shh. 32 00:01:30,216 --> 00:01:37,098 And I'm doing my best to help the scholars of the future reckon with the meyer years... 33 00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:38,307 Year. 34 00:01:38,391 --> 00:01:40,017 Um... um... 35 00:01:40,476 --> 00:01:45,189 - In america's great tapestry of history. - Hmm. 36 00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:47,984 Now, your predecessor, president Stuart Hughes, 37 00:01:48,734 --> 00:01:53,406 his memoir has reportedly fetched an advance of $20 million, while yours... 38 00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:57,410 Yeah, I'm really much more focused on the tapestry itself, 39 00:01:57,493 --> 00:02:00,454 the weave, the thread count, 40 00:02:00,663 --> 00:02:02,832 the old lady at the loom... 41 00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:04,559 We're looking for a few small tweaks in federal tax law 42 00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,294 concerning independent contractors, 43 00:02:06,377 --> 00:02:09,755 which brings us to our very own mover and shaker, beltway Ben. 44 00:02:10,423 --> 00:02:11,465 Thanks, Aiden. 45 00:02:11,549 --> 00:02:12,967 What we need to do... 46 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:18,306 (Stammers) I don't have a slide show thingy. Sorry. 47 00:02:18,681 --> 00:02:19,974 It's, uh, it's called a deck. 48 00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:21,559 Great. 49 00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:26,188 So, what we need to do is to get this onto the desk of congressman Jarvis. 50 00:02:26,439 --> 00:02:28,607 Without him, we don't have a chinaman's chance. 51 00:02:28,691 --> 00:02:30,109 - I'm sorry, Ben. Uh... - Yes? 52 00:02:30,192 --> 00:02:32,111 Here at uber and in the rest of the world, 53 00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:34,905 the word "chinaman" is considered inappropriate. 54 00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:36,991 No, no, no. It's okay. 55 00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:38,659 My wife is oriental. 56 00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:40,036 All of them have been. 57 00:02:40,578 --> 00:02:42,580 I kind of got yellow fever. 58 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:43,664 (Laughs) 59 00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:47,043 Now, you've recently drawn some criticism 60 00:02:47,126 --> 00:02:53,007 over an 11th-hour pardon of billionaire, private prison magnate sherman tanz, 61 00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:55,634 who's under indictment of tax evasion and bribery charges. 62 00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:59,597 I have pardoned hundreds of nonviolent drug offenders, 63 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:03,559 many of them adults who never learned to read, which is a tragedy. 64 00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:04,727 But sherman tanz... 65 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:09,982 And that is why I'm taking this opportunity to announce my charitable organization, 66 00:03:10,066 --> 00:03:12,818 the meyer fund for adult literacy. 67 00:03:12,902 --> 00:03:15,756 Certainly a worthwhile cause, but if we could bring it back to sherman tanz... 68 00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:17,073 And aids. 69 00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:19,116 Wow. 70 00:03:19,784 --> 00:03:21,077 - Aids? - Yes, aids. 71 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:24,080 Aids is a big part of the tapestry. 72 00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:26,641 Explain. Connect the dots for me. 73 00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,501 Jonah: My fellow representatives, 74 00:03:28,584 --> 00:03:31,879 my conscience demands that I speak out against hr 723, 75 00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:34,340 the so-called healthy school lunch act. 76 00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:36,050 Dessert is an apple. 77 00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:40,012 I mean, it's no wonder kids are shooting up schools with lunches like these. 78 00:03:40,096 --> 00:03:44,100 When I was a kid, I ate sloppyjoes, pizza on a bagel. 79 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:47,853 The only green bean I ate was a green jelbeean 80 00:03:47,937 --> 00:03:51,982 and I grew up to be so tall, my stupid mom had to get a different car. 81 00:03:52,358 --> 00:03:54,485 I will fight against green beans 82 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:58,739 the same way that I fought against my deadly disease called cancer. 83 00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:02,535 For the children. 84 00:04:02,827 --> 00:04:07,832 Yeah, well, I think sometimes people forget that I was the first female president. 85 00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:09,125 Before montez. 86 00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:10,543 Oh, that's right. 87 00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:12,837 Uh, well, speaking of president Laura montez, 88 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:16,132 she won the nobel peace prize for her work in Tibet. 89 00:04:16,215 --> 00:04:17,425 Unprecedented. 90 00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:18,652 What did you think of her speech? 91 00:04:18,676 --> 00:04:19,760 Oh, good lord. 92 00:04:19,844 --> 00:04:22,596 I didn't really get a chance to see it because I was... (Coughs) 93 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:24,849 (Clears throat) I was out of the country. (Coughs) 94 00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:27,143 This is really great. (Chuckles) 95 00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:29,353 Uh-oh! 96 00:04:29,854 --> 00:04:31,188 Ho, ho, ho, ho! 97 00:04:32,648 --> 00:04:33,858 (Sighs) 98 00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:36,819 - Before I let you go... - Uh-huh. 99 00:04:37,111 --> 00:04:38,831 I've got to ask what we're all thinking. 100 00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,197 - The white house. - Hmm. 101 00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:42,467 So, you're definitely not gonna run again in three years? 102 00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:46,162 I have no plans to run at this time. 103 00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:48,956 I'm also very busy with adult literacy. 104 00:04:49,665 --> 00:04:51,083 - And aids? - And aids, yes. 105 00:04:51,167 --> 00:04:53,502 - We must never forget aids. - Certainly not. 106 00:04:53,586 --> 00:04:57,173 A very special thank you to our very special guest, president selina meyer. 107 00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:58,549 - He's a great guy. - Oh. 108 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,009 Back to you, Jane. 109 00:05:00,718 --> 00:05:01,927 Thanks, Danny. 110 00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:05,055 Danny egan has been filling in as my co-host this week, 111 00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:08,267 and we think that he is doing a terrificjob. 112 00:05:08,893 --> 00:05:11,604 We'll be right back with more CBS this morning. 113 00:05:12,563 --> 00:05:13,606 Man: And we're clear. 114 00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:14,982 Okay, well, we got that done. 115 00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:17,735 - Madam president, it's so good to see you. - Jane! 116 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:18,986 Oh, for goodness' sakes! 117 00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:20,821 - You let your hair grow. - (Chuckles) Yeah. 118 00:05:20,905 --> 00:05:22,549 We should have lunch now that you're back. 119 00:05:22,573 --> 00:05:23,616 - Good, good. - Thanks. 120 00:05:23,699 --> 00:05:25,326 - Wonderful, wonderful. - Ciao. 121 00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:26,911 - What is she like? - Oh, I love her. 122 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,163 'Cause I've heard she's a complete gash and a half. 123 00:05:29,246 --> 00:05:30,456 - Yeah, she really is. - Yeah. 124 00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:33,000 Yeah. Hey, thank you so much for doing this. 125 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,436 I am so glad to hear that you're feeling better. 126 00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:36,504 Oh, come on, come on. Everything's... yes. 127 00:05:36,587 --> 00:05:37,963 - Gary. - Dan. 128 00:05:38,047 --> 00:05:39,047 So, how did I do? 129 00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:41,443 - Somebody tell me how I did. - Oh, my god, you were fantastic! 130 00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:42,551 Literally, anyone. 131 00:05:42,635 --> 00:05:45,262 - You were great, ma'am. - Thank you, Richard. 132 00:05:45,346 --> 00:05:46,448 - Oh, absolutely. - Thank you. 133 00:05:46,472 --> 00:05:48,933 - I need my coat and I need my purse. - Oh... 134 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,017 Mmm-hmm. 135 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,393 Can you believe this? 136 00:05:51,477 --> 00:05:54,772 On the anni-fucking-versary of the historic house vote. 137 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:58,359 I feel like we're celebrating my frat house gang rape. 138 00:05:58,442 --> 00:06:00,694 Except I didn't even get a candlelight vigil. 139 00:06:00,778 --> 00:06:01,820 I love candles. 140 00:06:01,904 --> 00:06:03,840 Hey, Richard, what else do we have lined up for me? 141 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,467 You've got interviews the rest of the day, ma'am. 142 00:06:05,491 --> 00:06:08,178 - Yeah, but you got to call wilner at the times. - Indianapolis times, got it. 143 00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:10,704 And time magazine, let's get in touch with them 144 00:06:10,788 --> 00:06:13,999 - because the world really needs to know... - About the gangbang thing? 145 00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:15,876 Well, I know you. 146 00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:18,629 - Hey, hey. - Hey. 147 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,297 - So? - Sublime. 148 00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,174 - Yeah? - Lee, just sublime. 149 00:06:22,258 --> 00:06:25,553 - So, you don't think I came off too... - Insane? Not at all. 150 00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:26,679 - Really? - Yeah. 151 00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:29,223 Oh, good. What about when he threw the Hughes question at me 152 00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:30,724 about the advance? I mean... 153 00:06:30,808 --> 00:06:32,118 I didn't actually watch the interview, 154 00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:34,603 but everybody's talking about how gorgeous you looked. 155 00:06:34,687 --> 00:06:36,522 - Oh, good. - (Laughs) Yeah. 156 00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:38,083 You wanna try that new place I was telling you about? 157 00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:40,526 I gotta bolt, but I will catch up with you all later, though. 158 00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:42,820 So, wait a minute. You're not coming back to the office? 159 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:48,075 No, I got an unofficial lunch with a potential big foreign donor for the meyer fund. 160 00:06:48,158 --> 00:06:50,238 - Oh! - That could get us into trouble down the line. 161 00:06:50,286 --> 00:06:52,788 Sefior ocampo is having trouble nudging his visas through, 162 00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:54,516 so I called our friends over at the state department. 163 00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:55,583 That definitely will. 164 00:06:55,666 --> 00:06:59,420 I look foward to seeing you in your entirety a little later. 165 00:06:59,503 --> 00:07:03,048 - (Giggles) Nice. Okay. Bye. - Oh, my god. 166 00:07:03,132 --> 00:07:04,550 - Adios. - Okay. 167 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:05,633 Not a word. 168 00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:07,720 Seriously, not a word, all right? 169 00:07:07,803 --> 00:07:09,823 Ma'am, they're saying it's gonna take an hour longer 170 00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:12,075 - to get to the offices because of traffic. - What? What's going on? 171 00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:15,144 President montez is in town addressing the UN. It's gonna be pretty exciting. 172 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,564 A minute of your time, congressman powder? 173 00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:20,482 - Uh, absolutely, Roger. - What? 174 00:07:20,816 --> 00:07:23,694 Congressman minority house leader furlong. 175 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:27,448 Do you know what the chief agricultural product of my district in Ohio is? 176 00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:30,200 I'll give you a hint. Looks like will's wife's clit. 177 00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:32,286 - Mangos? - No. 178 00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:33,871 - Tell him, will. - Green beans. 179 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:38,334 That's why I spent two months jamming them into that school lunch bill like what, will? 180 00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:41,045 Like me jamming anonymous trucker cock in my mouth 181 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,297 at a public restroom well known for that purpose. 182 00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:47,593 I don't know if you can hear me over the sound of your ball tumors metastasizing, 183 00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:50,137 but Americans don't care what poor kids eat. 184 00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:54,016 Actually, congressman, better tasting school lunches poll surprisingly well. 185 00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:55,259 It's a real hot button issue. 186 00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:57,728 Kent davison. How the mighty have fallen. 187 00:07:58,354 --> 00:08:00,189 You want me to call a Japanese porn shoot, 188 00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:02,983 see if I can get you a real job sponging up bukkake parties? 189 00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,903 Although you might have to lie about working for meyer. 190 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:09,907 He's already got a job much better than sponging upjizz, right, Kent? 191 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:11,408 (Exhales) 192 00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:14,328 - (Snickers) Let's go, will. - Feelbefier 193 00:08:22,211 --> 00:08:23,337 Selina: Son of a Sam. 194 00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,798 Offices in the south Bronx. Take this. 195 00:08:25,881 --> 00:08:26,961 I can't stand this anymore. 196 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,902 - We should be in the meatpacking district. - I know. 197 00:08:28,926 --> 00:08:30,010 - It's so chic. - Exactly. 198 00:08:30,094 --> 00:08:32,763 I mean, I'm not the president of the Dominican Republic, you know? 199 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,181 They should be so lucky. 200 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:37,184 Congressman Diaz said that optics of you in the Bronx are really good. 201 00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,746 Okay, well, then maybe I can host showtime at the Apollo next week. 202 00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:40,997 - I'll check on that. - No, don't 203 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,107 - we love you, selina! - Oh, I love... 204 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,441 Both: Ughl 205 00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:48,320 I mean, whose balls did I twerk to end up here, 206 00:08:48,404 --> 00:08:50,072 in the triangle shirtwaist offices? 207 00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:52,032 I mean, seriously, this is the worst place 208 00:08:52,116 --> 00:08:55,536 they've ever stuffed an ex-president, and I'm including jfk's coffin. 209 00:08:55,619 --> 00:08:56,930 Ooh! I'm gonna get you the same one. 210 00:08:56,954 --> 00:08:58,497 - Oh, yeah. Good. - Yeah. 211 00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:00,141 - Um, are there any messages for me? - No, ma'am. 212 00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:02,000 - Okay. - You were wonderful today. 213 00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:03,585 Oh, thank you. 214 00:09:04,628 --> 00:09:06,213 - Who is that woman? - I can find out. 215 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:07,339 Oh, it doesn't matter. 216 00:09:07,423 --> 00:09:09,442 Ma'am, the national association for transgender people 217 00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:10,568 would like to give you an award. 218 00:09:10,592 --> 00:09:12,928 Oh! Well, that's nice. Tell them I accept. 219 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,221 - Them? Her. - It's "her." 220 00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:17,283 I don't know. Tell the bearded ladies I'm a-coming. 221 00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:19,077 And your editor called about the pages to your book. 222 00:09:19,101 --> 00:09:20,161 - Uh-huh. - You're six months behind. 223 00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:21,945 You know what being an ex-president is like? 224 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,647 It's like being a man's nipple. 225 00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:26,525 People go right by it to jerk off a dick. 226 00:09:26,608 --> 00:09:27,693 -Really. 227 00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:30,446 All right, so, listen, Richard, from now on, 228 00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:34,366 I am going to be only about speaking engagements. 229 00:09:34,450 --> 00:09:36,910 Okay? Cha-king, cha-king, cha-king! Right? 230 00:09:36,994 --> 00:09:38,328 It's cha-ching, cha-ching. 231 00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:39,788 - No, it's cha-king. - Okay. 232 00:09:39,872 --> 00:09:42,082 Start out by calling mutual of Omaha. 233 00:09:42,166 --> 00:09:44,334 And I'm only flying there private. 234 00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:46,521 - And I'm certainly not gonna... - Is now a good time, mom? 235 00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,005 Marjorie, come on in. 236 00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:51,467 You know, Marjorie, since you're now heading the meyer fund, 237 00:09:51,550 --> 00:09:54,511 it would be a good idea for you not to call me "mom" here in the office. 238 00:09:54,595 --> 00:09:55,637 Of course, ma'am. Yes. 239 00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:58,140 So, did you see today's interview? 240 00:09:58,223 --> 00:09:59,903 I didn't know you were gonna give me aids. 241 00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,685 (Laughter) 242 00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:02,936 Marjorie. 243 00:10:05,022 --> 00:10:07,858 That's funny. You did... Are you making a joke? 244 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,193 Uh, no, sir, ma'am. 245 00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,195 We can't do anything about aids. 246 00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:12,571 Who are you, Ronald Reagan? 247 00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,406 - Hi, everyone. - Hi, darling. 248 00:10:14,490 --> 00:10:17,451 - Your daughter is here to see you. - How are you, sweetie? 249 00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,328 What brings you to this neighborhood, honey? 250 00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:21,288 Buying chicken blood for a voodoo rite? 251 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:23,123 Well, I came to take Marjorie to lunch. 252 00:10:23,207 --> 00:10:24,333 Okay. 253 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:26,001 I have aids now. 254 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:28,212 (Laughs) That's hilarious. 255 00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:30,815 - I don't get it. - Maybe it's her delivery. I don't know. 256 00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:32,800 - What delivery? - Mom, I saw your big interview. 257 00:10:32,883 --> 00:10:35,093 Yeah, I know. Wasn't I just so great? 258 00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:37,846 It was just really nice to see you out there again, you know. 259 00:10:37,930 --> 00:10:39,449 - Sure. - Not just sitting in the house 260 00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:40,933 - in your bathrobe with Gary. - Yeah. 261 00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,267 Yeah. We played backgammon. 262 00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:43,977 - Or at the institution... - At the spa. 263 00:10:44,061 --> 00:10:45,145 I was at the spa. 264 00:10:45,229 --> 00:10:46,605 - The spa. Right. - Spa. 265 00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:48,208 Uh, mom, can I talk to you for a minute? 266 00:10:48,232 --> 00:10:49,858 - She doesn't like "mom." - What? 267 00:10:49,942 --> 00:10:51,151 Sure, darling. 268 00:10:51,235 --> 00:10:54,822 Uh, well, I just wanted to give you your check for this month. 269 00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:57,533 - Thank you. - Ma'am, the Apollo was a soft pass. 270 00:10:57,616 --> 00:10:59,493 Okay, can I have a moment with my daughter? 271 00:11:00,619 --> 00:11:04,081 Catherine, honey, a lot of the staff has been complaining 272 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:08,252 'cause they feel kind of cramped and they're not in midtown. 273 00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:11,505 But I think that will require a little bit more cash. 274 00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:12,673 Okay, you know what? 275 00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:15,008 - If you want to talk about the money thing... - Yes. 276 00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:16,736 - You can talk about it with Marjorie. - With Marjorie. 277 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:17,928 - Great. - Thank you. 278 00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:34,361 Marjorie, when mother died and she gave Catherine all of her money... 279 00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,089 You've been over your budget the last few months. 280 00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:37,113 Okay. 281 00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:39,116 You know, there's an old chippewa saying, 282 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,535 - "the coyote always howls..." - You know what? 283 00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:46,665 I'm not that interested in what the coyote has to say unless he's writing me a check. 284 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,292 - Yes, ma'am. - Yeah. 285 00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:51,211 - Thank you. - Ma'am, me again. 286 00:11:51,295 --> 00:11:53,589 The secretary's name is jennicker. That can't be right. 287 00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:56,300 - Seventy-nine grand. - (Gary scoffs) 288 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,302 Better sign me up for some food stamps. 289 00:11:58,385 --> 00:11:59,887 Maybe look into an application. 290 00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:01,513 This fucking country. 291 00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:03,432 There he is. My golden boy. 292 00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:04,892 Danny, you're killing it. 293 00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:06,018 - Dan. - Oh! 294 00:12:06,351 --> 00:12:08,121 Look, between you and me, the network's gonna name you 295 00:12:08,145 --> 00:12:09,785 Jane's permanent co-host on Friday, so... 296 00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:12,024 - Get the... - Jane: Fuck my face! 297 00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:16,904 - Do you know what's wrong with that salad? - Uh, no. 298 00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:18,947 Figure it out. 299 00:12:19,031 --> 00:12:20,449 Yeah, I guess I should've told you. 300 00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:22,534 She got rid of her last three co-hosts. 301 00:12:22,618 --> 00:12:25,329 - Wait, what? - Yeah, probably wrecked their careers, too. 302 00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,165 (Indistinct chatter) 303 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,083 Stevie! 304 00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:31,585 - Stevie, Stevie. - What's up? 305 00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,855 I have an idea that I think is really gonna impress the network. 306 00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:36,590 Have you ever heard of congressman Jonah Ryan from New Hampshire? 307 00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,425 Great interview. Charming guy. 308 00:12:38,508 --> 00:12:39,652 I can get him on the phone right now. 309 00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:40,761 - Hey, ma'am? - Yeah. 310 00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:43,764 - I got big news from the white house. - Oh, really? What? 311 00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:46,659 They want you to pick an artist for your official presidential portrait. 312 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:49,853 - Well, I'd rather still be president. - Yeah, that's true. 313 00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:50,938 You know what? 314 00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:53,649 Get me whoever painted ambassador stone's wife 315 00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:55,859 and made her look like not a twat. 316 00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:58,070 - Uh-huh! - I mean, that was real artistry. 317 00:12:58,153 --> 00:13:00,739 - Hey, where's... hey, Richard? - Uh, yes, ma'am? 318 00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:03,116 - What's going on with the speeches? - Oh, let's see. 319 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,911 Well, we have the national auto dealers for $100,000. 320 00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,537 You've gotta be kidding me. 321 00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:09,498 That's half of what Hughes gets. 322 00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:11,249 That is pure sexism. 323 00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:13,627 You call those people back and you tell them 324 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:16,964 that I was the first female president of the United States 325 00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:20,801 and I will not work for less than 87 cents on the dollar. 326 00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:21,884 Yes, ma'am. 327 00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:24,527 And tell them I'll stand at a glass podium and wear a short skirt. 328 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,307 - What about Omaha? - They won't give us a private jet. 329 00:13:27,391 --> 00:13:29,118 And you said not to touch anything without a private jet. 330 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,228 - I know. - Plus, they won't cover Andrew's fee. 331 00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,896 What? What's Andrew's fee? 332 00:13:33,188 --> 00:13:35,107 - It's my fee. - Gary: Oh, boy. 333 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,693 Omaha is small potatoes, zero gravy. 334 00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:42,197 I know some guys in Abu Dhabi who are looking for a license to import sand. 335 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,407 No, I want Omaha. 336 00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:47,160 Well, Lee, their offer was a slap in the face. 337 00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:51,623 Hey, Andrew, I don't care if it's a punch in my big, hairy dick! 338 00:13:52,082 --> 00:13:53,500 - Okay? Go! - Yep. 339 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:57,004 Tell them I'll jump out of a cake with tassels on my sagging tits! 340 00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:02,426 - (Exhales) What? What is your fee? - It's akin to a finder's fee. 341 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,552 What do you find? 342 00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:06,096 Besides the most beautiful woman in the world? 343 00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,931 - Oh, god. (Chuckling) - Oh, god. 344 00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:10,767 - So sappy. - (Groans) 345 00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,757 - Buddy: Hey, babe. - We found a video of a woman who says 346 00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:16,231 she did cocaine with governor steptoe's wife in college. 347 00:14:16,982 --> 00:14:21,236 Hey, purple mountain's majesty, we need to put together an attack ad yester-the-fuck-day, 348 00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:24,740 so give me five options from "party girl" to "coke whore for cock," you know? 349 00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:26,283 Oh... you know what? 350 00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:30,078 I actually went to high school with Kristin steptoe and she's a lovely gal, so... 351 00:14:30,162 --> 00:14:32,748 Eh! My guess is if you gave her a rail to snort off your dick, 352 00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:34,750 she would let you fuck the hole in her septum. 353 00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:36,626 Oh, boy. Look, um... 354 00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:39,379 I think I'm gonna have to put my foot down on this 355 00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:42,549 and just say we're not gonna use that. Okay? 356 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,278 - Is that all right? - You're making an executive decision? 357 00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:47,471 - Right? I mean, don't you think? - No, I like that. 358 00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:48,781 - Yeah, so... - You're the boss. 359 00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:50,557 Okay. Yes. And my foot is down on that. 360 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,059 - Great. - Okay, great. 361 00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:54,811 Just do "cock whore." 362 00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:57,606 Gary: Madame is up 950 points. 363 00:14:57,689 --> 00:14:59,232 - Nice! - No, no, no! Uh-uh! 364 00:14:59,316 --> 00:15:00,901 You don't wanna do that. See? 365 00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:02,986 - You put these here, and here. - Uh-huh. 366 00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,089 - You see how that's better for you? - So much better. 367 00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,091 - Do you actually understand that? - Yeah, very much so. 368 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:08,408 - Thank you. - 'Cause honestly... 369 00:15:08,492 --> 00:15:09,493 (Doorbell buzzes) 370 00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:12,120 - Who could that be at this hour? - It's only 7:00. 371 00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:14,164 - Richard. - Oh, hi, Gary. 372 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:15,767 This is... now is not a good time. 373 00:15:15,791 --> 00:15:17,000 Is that Richard? 374 00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:18,835 - Excuse me. - Richard, come in. 375 00:15:19,211 --> 00:15:21,046 Hey, what's going on with Omaha, by the way? 376 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:23,256 Oh, yes. Walter pallenberg's jet is unavailable 377 00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:25,759 because he's taking it on a fuck-tour of South America. 378 00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,695 - Of course. - It's weird that his assistant told me that. 379 00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:29,805 - Oh, I'm sitting there. - Want something to eat? 380 00:15:29,888 --> 00:15:31,532 Are you hungry? We've got a lot of food here. 381 00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:33,183 Marjorie: Catherine, I'm home! 382 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,267 Oh! 383 00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:35,769 Marjorie, hi. We're in here. 384 00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:37,104 Come join the party. 385 00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:39,332 - It's like grand central station here, right? - I know. 386 00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:41,858 - Good evening. - You know what? Just move whatever. 387 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,070 You know, we're actually... no, no! Now she's mad. 388 00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:50,200 Hey, Marjorie, iwanna add something to the fund, sort of, to balance out the aids. 389 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:51,743 Something fun. 390 00:15:51,827 --> 00:15:53,537 How about vets for pets? 391 00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,348 I don't know what it is, but it sounds good. 392 00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:57,415 Yeah, or, I don't know, stuttering. 393 00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:00,710 Those people really make me laugh. (Chuckles) 394 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,087 Ooh! Excuse me, sorry. 395 00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:04,589 I'll go put together a list of some fun causes, mom. 396 00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:07,592 Oh! That "mom" thing, let's not do that here, either. 397 00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:09,094 - Selina. - Well... 398 00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:10,846 - Ma'am. - Yeah, that's it. 399 00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:13,598 All right, time to write this book. Where were we? 400 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,016 Uh, first sentence. 401 00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:18,061 - Then iet'sjump into the middle east. - Okay. 402 00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:22,065 Now, I'm trying to remember, what was the name of that Iranian trade minister? 403 00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:23,817 Gerard hojati. 404 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,546 - Do you know what I remember from that day? - Oh, look what... look. 405 00:16:26,570 --> 00:16:29,215 - You missed that white one right down there. - Oh. Yep, got it. Yep. 406 00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:30,282 Let's call Mike again. 407 00:16:30,365 --> 00:16:31,867 - (Thud) - Ow! God! 408 00:16:31,950 --> 00:16:34,661 Be careful 'cause that cabinet's valuable. 409 00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:35,996 (Telephone ringing) 410 00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:37,080 (Baby crying) 411 00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:38,707 Mclintock residence. 412 00:16:38,790 --> 00:16:39,833 Ellen speaking. 413 00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,168 Is your father available? 414 00:16:41,251 --> 00:16:42,711 He's not my father. 415 00:16:42,794 --> 00:16:45,922 Yes, I am, sweetie. I am your father. Remember, I adopted you? 416 00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:48,592 - Uh, hello? - Hey, Mike. How... wow! 417 00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:50,677 - How are you? - A little crazed. 418 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,429 Milo's all about cheese sticks. 419 00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,264 I found a little button in his diaper. 420 00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:57,118 - Do I have to call a doctor? - I think he's like in a kennel or something. 421 00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:58,578 - I can't hear you. - Oh, cool, are they getting a dog? 422 00:16:58,602 --> 00:17:00,082 Sorry, ma'am. I'm in the baby bubble. 423 00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:02,898 You gotta hit him in the nose with a newspaper. 424 00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:04,733 That'll quiet him down. 425 00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:07,319 Mike, listen, we're trying to figure out, if you can hear me, 426 00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:10,697 what happened on the middle east trip with Leon west. 427 00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:12,699 Hang on. Daddy's got his book. 428 00:17:13,283 --> 00:17:14,576 May 3rd. En route to Tehran. 429 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,161 - Air force one. - May 3rd. 430 00:17:16,286 --> 00:17:17,579 Two eggs, hard scrambled. 431 00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:18,705 Red pepper strips? 432 00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:20,999 No, no, no. Not what you ate, Mike. 433 00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:23,668 - Justtell me... no, no, I want that. - (Baby continues crying) 434 00:17:23,752 --> 00:17:26,046 - Okay. - Just wanna know what happened. 435 00:17:26,463 --> 00:17:28,048 - Jesus. - Uh... oh, yeah, yeah. 436 00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:29,674 We met with trade minister johati. 437 00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:31,718 Oh! Trade minister johati. 438 00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:32,921 - Okay? - That's what I said. 439 00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:35,138 I'm on the phone, okay? You're as bad as these dogs. 440 00:17:35,472 --> 00:17:37,015 - Is that her? - Ma'am... 441 00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:38,099 Tell her now. 442 00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:40,727 - Tell her or I'll tell her. - Okay. Hang on. 443 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:43,450 Wendy and I were talking that if you're gonna keep using the diary, 444 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,815 maybe you should start paying me. 445 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:48,568 What? Okay, fine. I don't give a shit. 446 00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:51,905 - I thought I'd never work again. (Laughs) - Me, too! 447 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,575 Richard: Former ma'am, there are news stories about the sherman tanz pardon 448 00:17:55,659 --> 00:17:57,577 in the Washington post and Indianapolis times. 449 00:17:57,661 --> 00:18:00,914 Does anybody have anything else to focus on in the world? 450 00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:03,458 You know? Where the fuck is a Tsunami when you need it? 451 00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:08,421 But the good news is we've just received a large donation from sherman tanz. 452 00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:11,091 Oh. We”, don't put that in the fund. 453 00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:12,801 Also, guess who I found outside. 454 00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:15,720 - Did that homeless man die? - Oh! No. 455 00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,097 Mike? 456 00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:18,974 - Madam president. - It's Mike mclintock. 457 00:18:19,057 --> 00:18:20,660 Oh, my god. Look at this place! You guys... 458 00:18:20,684 --> 00:18:21,935 What happened to your lip? 459 00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:23,103 Oh! Maude bit me. 460 00:18:23,186 --> 00:18:24,604 Uh, you should put her down. 461 00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:26,395 That's my daughter, ma'am. 462 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,900 It's a cute story. We were playing in the backyard... 463 00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:30,652 "Catch the tiger," and I was the prey. 464 00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,655 - She got up on top... - Did you bring the diary? 465 00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:33,947 Yeah. I got it. 466 00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,032 And I don't think we ever discussed salary. 467 00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:38,135 - We should probably iron that out, so... - Oh, yeah. 468 00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:40,120 You get paid when the book's finished. 469 00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,914 Okay. And what's the timeline for that? 470 00:18:42,998 --> 00:18:44,416 - I don't know. - No? 471 00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,667 - No. - Okay. 472 00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,627 Oh, and I took the acela up. 473 00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:50,297 It's pretty steep. I'd love to get reimbursed. 474 00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:52,424 Well, also when the book's finished. 475 00:18:52,507 --> 00:18:54,342 - Oh. Right. - Then you get that. 476 00:18:54,426 --> 00:18:55,719 Reimbursement. 477 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,513 Find some space for yourself out there. 478 00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:00,974 But wait, I need the diary. 479 00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:03,310 - Okay. - Yeah. 480 00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:04,686 (Cell phone vibrates) 481 00:19:05,228 --> 00:19:06,646 - Ma'am, great news. - Selina: Hmm. 482 00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:09,733 - We got Marty leonhardt's g5 for Omaha. - Oh! 483 00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:12,652 - Really? Great! All righty! - Gary: Uh-huh. 484 00:19:12,736 --> 00:19:14,404 Omaha's a go, go, go. 485 00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:18,700 Ma'am, you've been to Omaha before. You didn't really care for it. 486 00:19:20,744 --> 00:19:21,828 Okay, look. 487 00:19:21,911 --> 00:19:24,311 - Is there something... - I'm gonna tell you something, okay? 488 00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:26,333 - Okay, okay. - But it's top secret. 489 00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:28,251 Ooh! I love secrets. 490 00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:33,131 - I'm gonna go to Omaha because... - Okay. 491 00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:39,095 Omaha is a 20-minute drive right across the border to council bluffs, Iowa. 492 00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:40,305 Beautiful. 493 00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:44,559 Where they have their annual Madison Monroe dinner. 494 00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:45,977 Fun. 495 00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:50,398 Which you have to go to if you're gonna run for president again. 496 00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,150 - Huh? - (Chuckles) 497 00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:54,694 I'm gonna run for president again. 498 00:19:56,738 --> 00:19:59,199 That is a great idea! 499 00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:00,367 I know, I know. 500 00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:03,203 (Laughing) I think you're definitely ready for this. 501 00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:05,413 Yeah, I feel so great about this. 502 00:20:05,497 --> 00:20:07,082 - You should. - Yeah. 503 00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:08,875 Are you sure you're ready for this? 504 00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:11,211 So, I'm gonna tell the whole family about it tonight. 505 00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:13,505 You know, I mean, such as it is. Whatever. 506 00:20:13,588 --> 00:20:17,634 And if any one of them objects, then, it's okay, I just won't run. 507 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:18,968 Well, then you got my vote. 508 00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:21,489 - Why would I need your fucking vote? - You wouldn't. It's just... 509 00:20:21,513 --> 00:20:22,514 What a crazy idea. 510 00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:23,890 (Knocks on the door) 511 00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:25,642 Hey, are you almost... 512 00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:28,061 Get out! No. Get out. Guards! 513 00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:29,187 Oh, my god. 514 00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:30,480 Your cancer is bullshit. 515 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,232 No, I did have cancer. 516 00:20:32,315 --> 00:20:34,234 I had to go through six weeks of chemotherapy. 517 00:20:34,317 --> 00:20:36,778 All my hair fell out, including my pubes, Dan. 518 00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:38,172 Come on, you never had any pubes. 519 00:20:38,196 --> 00:20:40,740 But guess what. People liked it. Okay? 520 00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:42,075 They felt sorry for me. 521 00:20:42,158 --> 00:20:45,286 I even got four and a half pity handies out of it, so I kept shaving. 522 00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:46,850 What's the big fucking deal about it? 523 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:47,997 Big fucking deal? 524 00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:50,810 Jesus, you look like you should be underground worshiping an atomic bomb, 525 00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:52,377 you human fucking pap smear. 526 00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,380 How dare you speak to a cancer survivor that way? 527 00:20:54,546 --> 00:20:55,648 - (Knocking) - Hey, let's go. 528 00:20:55,672 --> 00:20:57,090 - Got two minutes. - Yeah, yeah. 529 00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:59,300 Do not tell anyone about this. 530 00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:02,029 I didn't think it was possible for you to look more like a giant cock. 531 00:21:02,053 --> 00:21:03,989 I guess it's true what they say, "you are what you eat." 532 00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:05,658 Well, you eat an entire fucking tanning bed. 533 00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:07,868 - I got an idea. I just wanna draw a urethra... - Get out of here. 534 00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:08,935 Stop! 535 00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:10,162 - And we're on in five... - It will be funny. 536 00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:11,438 - Stop it. - Just let it happen. 537 00:21:11,521 --> 00:21:12,801 - Man: Four, three... - Stop it! 538 00:21:12,856 --> 00:21:14,107 You're a dick, Dan. 539 00:21:14,691 --> 00:21:16,109 Welcome back to CBS this morning. 540 00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:19,612 Joining me now is freshman congressman Jonah Ryan of New Hampshire, 541 00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:22,115 - who recently had a close shave with cancer. - Dont 542 00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:25,010 now, congressman, you were really on the razor's edge there for a while. 543 00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:26,953 - Stop it. - Do you ever get into a lather 544 00:21:27,036 --> 00:21:29,436 - about the bald truth of your own mortality? - Just stop it. 545 00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:30,623 You know what, Dan? 546 00:21:30,707 --> 00:21:31,708 F you! 547 00:21:32,041 --> 00:21:34,794 You think you're such a big shot just because you're on TV 548 00:21:34,878 --> 00:21:37,297 and you have a fancy tie and a tiny little microphone. 549 00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:39,048 Everybody on TV sucks. 550 00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:44,137 It's not nice, Dan, to make fun of other people who are supposed to be your friend. 551 00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:46,055 Just because I look like a penis. 552 00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:47,765 (Cord rattles) 553 00:21:47,849 --> 00:21:49,017 God... (Bleep) 554 00:21:49,184 --> 00:21:50,185 (Bleep) ...Chair. 555 00:21:53,062 --> 00:21:54,542 Jonah: How do I even get out of here? 556 00:21:55,106 --> 00:21:56,483 - (Sighs) - (Jonah slams door) 557 00:21:56,566 --> 00:21:59,652 That was congressman Jonah Ryan of New Hampshire. 558 00:21:59,736 --> 00:22:00,904 We'll be right back. 559 00:22:01,279 --> 00:22:02,739 And we're clear. 560 00:22:03,198 --> 00:22:06,242 Shit, Stevie, I had no idea anything like that was gonna happen. 561 00:22:06,493 --> 00:22:08,995 I totally understand if the network has lost confidence in me. 562 00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:10,622 Are you kidding me? This is great TV. 563 00:22:10,705 --> 00:22:11,998 You're the fucking man! 564 00:22:12,415 --> 00:22:13,583 Great job. 565 00:22:13,666 --> 00:22:16,711 (Sighs) Fuck me. No more goddamn bronzer! 566 00:22:18,004 --> 00:22:21,424 Okay, guys, I called this family meeting because... (Chuckles) 567 00:22:21,925 --> 00:22:24,802 I have something very exciting that I wanna talk to you about. 568 00:22:24,886 --> 00:22:30,475 But if anybody has any objections, I will absolutely not do this. 569 00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:33,686 - Okay? - We are behind you no matter what, Lee. 570 00:22:33,770 --> 00:22:36,689 Yes. I know that this last year has been 571 00:22:36,773 --> 00:22:40,235 not very easy for all of us, myself included. 572 00:22:40,443 --> 00:22:42,487 But I have decided 573 00:22:42,570 --> 00:22:46,783 that I am going to run for president again. 574 00:22:47,450 --> 00:22:49,410 - (Laughs) - (Chuckles nervously) 575 00:22:49,494 --> 00:22:50,620 (Hyperventilating) What? 576 00:22:52,747 --> 00:22:54,374 You can't do that. 577 00:22:54,832 --> 00:22:57,126 Well, yeah, I can, honey. 578 00:22:57,669 --> 00:22:58,670 (Sobbing) 579 00:22:58,753 --> 00:23:01,256 What? Well... 580 00:23:04,217 --> 00:23:06,219 - I didn't see that coming. Did you? - Hmm. 581 00:23:07,554 --> 00:23:09,389 Andrew, can you help me out here with this? 582 00:23:09,472 --> 00:23:10,890 Actually... 583 00:23:10,974 --> 00:23:12,809 Nobody thinks this is a good idea? 584 00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:15,436 Please don't do that. You can't do this to us. 585 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,648 Catherine, let me just explain something to you, sweetie. All right? 586 00:23:18,731 --> 00:23:20,858 I really don't care what you think. 587 00:23:21,276 --> 00:23:23,903 I'm gonna run for president again. Okay? 588 00:23:23,987 --> 00:23:25,697 Mommy's gonna be president again. 589 00:23:25,780 --> 00:23:29,742 But you said that if any one of us objects that you're not gonna do it. 590 00:23:29,826 --> 00:23:33,413 Yeah, but I didn't expect anybody to object, did I? 591 00:23:33,496 --> 00:23:36,165 - This was a test, folks, and you all failed. - Yeah. 592 00:23:36,249 --> 00:23:37,792 - You really did. - No, I just... 593 00:23:37,875 --> 00:23:39,478 Yeah, woman, you really did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 594 00:23:39,502 --> 00:23:40,729 - Family meeting is now... - I don't wanna... 595 00:23:40,753 --> 00:23:44,549 No, I don't wanna... I don't wanna hear it, okay? 596 00:23:44,632 --> 00:23:45,925 Family meeting is adjourned. 597 00:23:46,009 --> 00:23:47,009 La, la, la, la! 598 00:23:47,051 --> 00:23:48,720 Everybody up. Get up. Get up. Out, out. 599 00:23:49,387 --> 00:23:50,680 I love you, but get out. 600 00:23:52,515 --> 00:23:54,243 Buddy: Is that good? You like that? Amy: It's good. 601 00:23:54,267 --> 00:23:55,310 - Yeah? - Mmm-hmm. 602 00:23:55,393 --> 00:23:57,270 - What's good about it? - I... 603 00:23:57,353 --> 00:23:58,353 What do you like? 604 00:23:58,396 --> 00:23:59,582 Don't know. What do you want me to say? 605 00:23:59,606 --> 00:24:00,773 I want you to talk dirty. 606 00:24:00,857 --> 00:24:02,066 - You know... - Oh... 607 00:24:02,150 --> 00:24:03,484 - Really? - Yeah. 608 00:24:03,568 --> 00:24:04,611 Like how you do. 609 00:24:04,694 --> 00:24:06,696 This is, um, a really nice... 610 00:24:07,947 --> 00:24:09,032 - Penis. - (Grunts) 611 00:24:09,115 --> 00:24:10,908 No, like how you do at work. 612 00:24:10,992 --> 00:24:12,552 Tell me you'd rather take it up the ass 613 00:24:12,619 --> 00:24:15,246 than attend another meeting at the board of regulators. 614 00:24:15,330 --> 00:24:17,624 Except with just no regulators, okay? 615 00:24:17,707 --> 00:24:19,417 - Thank you. - (Stammers) Okay. 616 00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:22,128 I would rather take it up the ass with the board of regulators... 617 00:24:22,211 --> 00:24:23,971 No board of regulators, though, I said that. 618 00:24:24,047 --> 00:24:25,381 Well, this is stupid. 619 00:24:25,465 --> 00:24:27,026 I am not some teased-haired casino cooze 620 00:24:27,050 --> 00:24:29,194 who will let you jizz all over her face with a handful of chips. 621 00:24:29,218 --> 00:24:30,362 I like that. Keep going. Tell me more. 622 00:24:30,386 --> 00:24:32,055 What's her name? Susan or... 623 00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:33,222 What's her deal? 624 00:24:33,306 --> 00:24:35,284 You know what the problem with the board of regulators is? 625 00:24:35,308 --> 00:24:37,310 They are all appointed by these partisan hacks 626 00:24:37,393 --> 00:24:38,770 who are antiquated as fuck. 627 00:24:38,853 --> 00:24:40,813 Okay, I'm sorry I brought that up. 628 00:24:40,897 --> 00:24:42,899 It was going well before that, though, I thought. 629 00:24:43,775 --> 00:24:45,318 Oh, just forget it. 630 00:24:45,485 --> 00:24:46,486 (Buddy exhales) 631 00:24:48,738 --> 00:24:50,406 There shouldn't even be a board. 632 00:24:50,490 --> 00:24:52,492 - Is it okay if I finish? - I'm not your mother. 633 00:24:53,034 --> 00:24:54,535 Gary: Lookie-look who's here. 634 00:24:54,619 --> 00:24:55,995 - Selina: Wow! - Madam president. 635 00:24:56,079 --> 00:24:58,373 I haven't seen you forever. 636 00:24:58,456 --> 00:25:01,084 Well, I was gonna come by a couple of times, but they said... 637 00:25:01,167 --> 00:25:04,003 - I'm so sorry to hear about uber. - Oh, god. 638 00:25:04,087 --> 00:25:07,840 A bunch of dumb-ass millennials, you know, too lazy to learn how to drive drunk. 639 00:25:07,924 --> 00:25:09,384 - You want a drink? - Absolutely. 640 00:25:09,467 --> 00:25:11,427 - Let me get that for you. - No, I have it. 641 00:25:11,511 --> 00:25:12,679 Great. 642 00:25:12,762 --> 00:25:14,222 So, listen, um... 643 00:25:15,139 --> 00:25:16,933 I am... (Sighs) 644 00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:20,478 Gonna be making a speech at mutual of Omaha on Monday 645 00:25:20,561 --> 00:25:23,356 and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me. 646 00:25:25,191 --> 00:25:26,526 Um... (Clears throat) 647 00:25:26,609 --> 00:25:31,531 Is that the same Omaha that's a 20-minute drive from council bluffs, Iowa, 648 00:25:31,614 --> 00:25:33,449 and the Madison Monroe dinner on Monday night? 649 00:25:33,533 --> 00:25:34,701 Maybe. 650 00:25:36,786 --> 00:25:38,454 Son of a bitch, 651 00:25:38,538 --> 00:25:40,123 - you're gonna run for president. - Mmm. 652 00:25:41,457 --> 00:25:43,501 What if I were, hypothetically? 653 00:25:43,584 --> 00:25:44,794 - Hypothetically? - Mmm-hmm. 654 00:25:45,086 --> 00:25:47,088 Ma'am, you can't run for president. 655 00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:51,968 You don't have the party's support, you don't have the donors' support. 656 00:25:52,051 --> 00:25:55,680 What if I told you that I had tanz on board, hypothetically? 657 00:25:55,763 --> 00:25:58,433 Shlomo tanz is radioactive. 658 00:25:59,058 --> 00:26:02,061 He can read the newspaper on the toilet by the light of his own shit. 659 00:26:02,145 --> 00:26:04,647 Okay, but, Ben, you and I 660 00:26:05,773 --> 00:26:08,568 - could, um... - No, no, I cannot. 661 00:26:08,985 --> 00:26:10,570 (Stammers) I'm out, okay? 662 00:26:11,279 --> 00:26:12,822 May god forgive me. I... 663 00:26:13,823 --> 00:26:15,366 I'm taking the Jonah job with Kent. 664 00:26:15,616 --> 00:26:17,910 I'm sorry, ma'am. I can't watch you lose again. 665 00:26:17,994 --> 00:26:21,664 There's nobody out there who wants to see a meyer comeback, selina. It's... 666 00:26:22,832 --> 00:26:24,167 It's over. 667 00:26:27,670 --> 00:26:29,881 Well, I was speaking hypothetically. 668 00:26:30,548 --> 00:26:32,508 I mean, you of all people should know that, Ben. 669 00:26:33,426 --> 00:26:34,802 Jesus Christ, you know? 670 00:26:34,886 --> 00:26:36,929 I wanted you to come here because I was wondering 671 00:26:37,013 --> 00:26:40,391 if you wanted to join the board of my meyer fund 672 00:26:40,850 --> 00:26:42,351 for aids and adult literacy. 673 00:26:43,519 --> 00:26:45,855 - Be an honor. - Hmm. Okay. 674 00:26:45,938 --> 00:26:47,190 - Thank you, ma'am. - Yeah. 675 00:26:47,857 --> 00:26:51,235 You know, maybe if we teach them how to read a condom wrapper, 676 00:26:51,319 --> 00:26:53,529 they wouldn't get aids in the first place. 677 00:26:53,613 --> 00:26:55,239 - Okay. See? There's hope. - Hmm. 678 00:26:58,701 --> 00:27:03,664 You know, ma'am, um, you're one of only 46 people who became... 679 00:27:03,748 --> 00:27:04,749 Goodnight, Ben. 680 00:27:04,832 --> 00:27:07,043 - Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight. - Goodnight. 681 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:12,298 (Dice rattling) 682 00:27:23,059 --> 00:27:26,020 Ma'am, we're all set for private jets to Omaha on Monday 683 00:27:26,103 --> 00:27:27,498 and back from council bluffs on Wednesday. 684 00:27:27,522 --> 00:27:29,232 We're coming back from Omaha on Monday. 685 00:27:29,774 --> 00:27:30,775 Uh-oh! 686 00:27:32,777 --> 00:27:34,612 - Madam president. - Selina: Hello. 687 00:27:37,073 --> 00:27:39,051 Captain over pa: Well, good morning. This is captain Stevens. 688 00:27:39,075 --> 00:27:42,995 I'd like to welcome you all aboard flight 327, Omaha to New York. 689 00:27:43,079 --> 00:27:44,181 Attendant: Right here, madam president. 690 00:27:44,205 --> 00:27:46,040 Do you want window or aisle? 691 00:27:46,916 --> 00:27:49,168 - I don't want anything here. - Hmm. 692 00:27:52,797 --> 00:27:55,258 CBS this morning with Jane McCabe. 693 00:27:55,341 --> 00:27:57,760 And introducing Danny egan. 694 00:27:59,095 --> 00:28:00,721 I'm Jane McCabe. 695 00:28:00,805 --> 00:28:02,682 And I'm Danny egan. 696 00:28:03,266 --> 00:28:04,785 And here's what's going on in your world. 697 00:28:04,809 --> 00:28:07,520 This morning, today we start with a story... 698 00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:10,690 Sir, I'm sorry, you're going to need to gate-check your bag. 699 00:28:10,773 --> 00:28:11,941 It's complimentary. 700 00:28:14,318 --> 00:28:15,903 I need hand sanitizer. 701 00:28:15,987 --> 00:28:17,071 Ma'am! 702 00:28:17,905 --> 00:28:19,073 Ma'am. 703 00:28:24,245 --> 00:28:26,247 (Theme music playing)