1 00:00:17,935 --> 00:00:20,479 The house will come to order for a roll call vote 2 00:00:20,771 --> 00:00:23,357 on the matter of who will be the president of the United States. 3 00:00:23,441 --> 00:00:25,735 Senator William o'brien from Arizona... 4 00:00:25,818 --> 00:00:28,613 All right, here we go. Alabama, first in the alphabet, 5 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:30,823 last in every other fucking thing. 6 00:00:30,907 --> 00:00:34,535 I believe it's number one in easiest state to get away with murdering a black guy. 7 00:00:34,619 --> 00:00:35,971 - Alabama. - Come on, come on, come on. 8 00:00:35,995 --> 00:00:39,457 Alabama casts its vote for president selina meyer 9 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:42,460 that's my town! Yes! 10 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:44,545 Catherine? 11 00:00:44,629 --> 00:00:47,548 Would you please give it a rest with that camera? 12 00:00:47,632 --> 00:00:49,217 My name is Catherine meyer 13 00:00:49,926 --> 00:00:52,303 I've spent my entire life in the public eye. 14 00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:55,457 While the public will always remember me as the little girl 15 00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:57,934 who fell off the stage twice in one evening, 16 00:00:58,476 --> 00:01:01,854 I'm a grown woman now with my own passions and interests. 17 00:01:03,856 --> 00:01:06,442 One of the biggest things that ever happened in my life 18 00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:08,069 and my family's life 19 00:01:08,152 --> 00:01:09,588 happened when the house of representatives 20 00:01:09,612 --> 00:01:12,156 voted to decide the presidency of the United States 21 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,951 for the first time in 140 years. 22 00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:17,536 Almost two months to the day earlier, 23 00:01:17,620 --> 00:01:19,997 the American people voted for president, 24 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:23,417 but that night ended in an historic electoral college tie 25 00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:25,253 between senator bill o'brien 26 00:01:25,336 --> 00:01:28,422 and the sitting president selina meyer, my mom. 27 00:01:28,798 --> 00:01:30,800 It meant that the house of representatives 28 00:01:30,883 --> 00:01:33,844 needed to vote to break the tie and choose a president. 29 00:01:34,053 --> 00:01:37,139 My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister. 30 00:01:37,223 --> 00:01:39,976 Yeah, well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest. 31 00:01:44,522 --> 00:01:47,775 In order to tell this story, I have to go back to where it all began, 32 00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:50,528 the day after the presidential election was tied. 33 00:01:53,197 --> 00:01:57,326 I do not give my consent to have my likeness appear in this or any other film. 34 00:01:57,827 --> 00:01:59,620 The president will see you now. 35 00:01:59,704 --> 00:02:01,789 I set out to make a film about the tie, 36 00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,791 but somewhere along the way, 37 00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:06,836 I ended up discovering something about myself. 38 00:02:06,919 --> 00:02:11,090 I'm gonna have to have approval over all of this footage, Catherine, okay? 39 00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:12,842 Okay, we can talk about that after. 40 00:02:12,925 --> 00:02:16,220 When did you first know that you wanted to be president? 41 00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:17,972 It was 1973. 42 00:02:18,055 --> 00:02:19,849 - Catherine, out. - I was a very little girl 43 00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:22,226 and mother wasn't "feeling well." 44 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:26,105 Daddy asked me to be his date 45 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:28,816 for president Nixon's inaugural ball. 46 00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:33,362 Daddy did a lot of business with bebe rebozo. 47 00:02:33,446 --> 00:02:36,991 President Nixon entered the room 48 00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:41,162 and, you know, he had his bow tie 49 00:02:41,245 --> 00:02:44,457 and his eyebrows. 50 00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:48,127 Daddy leaned in to me and he said, 51 00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:52,173 "you know, a lot of people don't like Nixon, 52 00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:55,259 "but by god, they respect him. 53 00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:57,428 "And that's you, peanut." 54 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:05,978 - Delaware? - Come on, come on. 55 00:03:06,062 --> 00:03:09,440 Delaware votes for president selina meyer. 56 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:12,461 I don't want to jinx things, guys, 57 00:03:12,485 --> 00:03:14,528 but I think maybe we should start making our list 58 00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,280 of who I'm going to punish when I win. 59 00:03:17,073 --> 00:03:18,407 - Where are you? - I don't know. 60 00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,868 I went home with a congressional fangirl last night. 61 00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:22,751 I don't have my car. I think I'm in Maryland. 62 00:03:22,787 --> 00:03:24,765 Well, first of all, sir, congratulations are in order. 63 00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:26,767 She's got a fucking parrot, and if the parrot wakes up, 64 00:03:26,791 --> 00:03:28,643 the parrot's gonna make noise and wake up her mom. 65 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,729 - Has the vote started yet? - Yes, Delaware just voted. 66 00:03:30,753 --> 00:03:33,381 Shit. Shit. Okay, you gotta come get me. 67 00:03:33,464 --> 00:03:35,108 Okay, just drop a pin in apple maps and... 68 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:36,692 I don't know how to drop a fucking pin. 69 00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:38,302 Well, it's a really intuitive feature. 70 00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:40,638 - Do you have iOS 9.2.3? - Richard, shut up. 71 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:43,391 Bring me a change of clothes and come and get me. 72 00:03:43,474 --> 00:03:45,518 The day after the tie, the stock markets crashed, 73 00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:48,771 but my mom did everything she could to get them back on track. 74 00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:52,191 This afternoon, I asked Tom James 75 00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:56,112 to do his country the honor of stepping up to serve as economy czar 76 00:03:56,195 --> 00:03:59,657 and to my absolute delight, he said yes. 77 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:02,451 - Did you ever play sports? - Cocksucker. 78 00:04:02,535 --> 00:04:04,662 Remember how no one ever wanted to play catcher? 79 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,832 Playing catcher is kind of like being the economy czar. 80 00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:11,544 There's not a lot of glory, but a lot of squatting. 81 00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:13,963 A lot of asses in your face. 82 00:04:14,046 --> 00:04:16,882 - Thank you so much, senator James. - You're very welcome. 83 00:04:16,966 --> 00:04:19,427 - How's it going? - It's going very well, thanks. 84 00:04:19,510 --> 00:04:22,179 Gentlemen, Bob's your uncle. Knock, knock, future calling. 85 00:04:22,263 --> 00:04:24,265 Cheese, please, Louise. 86 00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:26,976 - Gentlemen, you know the first daughter. - We do. 87 00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:29,562 She's just interviewing me for a college project. 88 00:04:29,645 --> 00:04:31,063 - Yeah. - No, it's a doc. 89 00:04:31,147 --> 00:04:34,483 Yeah, like one of those movies for people who like to be sad. 90 00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:36,360 What do you think of the electoral tie? 91 00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:38,571 You know, at night when I dare to close my eyes, 92 00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,698 I dream about your mother losing 93 00:04:41,282 --> 00:04:43,617 and then coming upon her holding a cardboard sign 94 00:04:43,701 --> 00:04:45,369 at the bottom of a highway exit ramp. 95 00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:47,133 Now, if I were Tom James, I would just try 96 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:49,804 to get three states to abstain and then it would go to the senate, 97 00:04:49,874 --> 00:04:51,917 serving the president the most abject humiliation 98 00:04:52,001 --> 00:04:53,627 in the history of the United States. 99 00:04:53,711 --> 00:04:55,421 You know what the cardboard sign says? 100 00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:56,881 What does it say? 101 00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:59,592 It says, "I'm so sorry, bill ericsson." 102 00:04:59,675 --> 00:05:01,510 What if you lose the presidency? 103 00:05:01,594 --> 00:05:05,973 Well, I'll tell you something, you can't think that way. 104 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:07,766 That's what mother always said. 105 00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:10,644 When you have those kinds of negative feelings, 106 00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:14,690 you just pick them up and you stuff them in your box 107 00:05:14,773 --> 00:05:17,818 and you close it down tight and you take that box 108 00:05:17,902 --> 00:05:20,488 and you shove it way back here in your... 109 00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:24,116 In the corner of your head and swallow that key. 110 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,785 And then, poof, they're gone. 111 00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:30,039 And then that's it. And it works, too, sweetie. 112 00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:32,458 That's something that mother told me that works. 113 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:35,753 Okay, you pour the hot water into the pot, all right? 114 00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:40,216 Swirl it around a bit. And then you pour it out, okay? 115 00:05:40,591 --> 00:05:41,693 That's called "hot in the pot". 116 00:05:41,717 --> 00:05:43,069 Now this is a special blend I've got. 117 00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:46,031 It's got, like, chamomile and Rose hips and some other little special ingredients 118 00:05:46,055 --> 00:05:47,574 that I'm not gonna tell you on camera. 119 00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:51,727 My question was, what's your take on the financial crisis? 120 00:05:54,772 --> 00:05:57,525 I just think they ran out of money. 121 00:05:57,608 --> 00:05:58,752 They should probably just print more. 122 00:05:58,776 --> 00:06:00,295 I don't know why it's been such a big issue. 123 00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:03,197 Okay, guys, when are we gonna fire Mike, by the way? 124 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:07,159 Because it is seriously just one fuckup after fuckup with him. 125 00:06:07,243 --> 00:06:11,705 Yeah, right after the inauguration, we'll show Mr. Mcshittock the door. 126 00:06:11,789 --> 00:06:13,749 Hey. 127 00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:17,461 I love my job. Oh, my god, I want to do it forever. 128 00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:21,799 Especially because this is the kind ofjob that I've gotten better at every year. 129 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:25,553 And it's also the kind ofjob that you need to be fast on your feet. 130 00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:27,763 You need to be quick and you need to sort of... 131 00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:31,892 I don't even know what the word is. 132 00:06:31,976 --> 00:06:34,103 We're in the process of converting the guest bedroom 133 00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:37,022 into a nursery for our arriving Chinese angel. 134 00:06:37,106 --> 00:06:38,232 And... 135 00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,359 We went with a winnie-the-pooh knockoff. 136 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,528 It's made in China, so Ellen will feel right at home. 137 00:06:42,611 --> 00:06:44,238 I think he's called the happy sun bear. 138 00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:45,364 So much cheaper. 139 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,908 And we've checked the room for lead, so there's... 140 00:06:47,992 --> 00:06:49,636 Actually, I need... i'm supposed to check... 141 00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:52,746 I have to get a guy to check the room for lead, but we will check for lead. 142 00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:56,625 In mid-November, my mom's team challenged the vote totals in Nevada, 143 00:06:56,834 --> 00:06:59,336 which meant the tie might not be a tie any longer. 144 00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:00,963 - I've changed my mind. - About what? 145 00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:03,757 Send me to Nevada. I want the job. 146 00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:06,260 But so does candi caruso. 147 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:08,220 And even though, and I quote, 148 00:07:08,304 --> 00:07:12,725 the fact that I'm a woman means we will no longer have any women presidents 149 00:07:12,808 --> 00:07:14,953 because we've already tried one and she fucking sucked. 150 00:07:14,977 --> 00:07:18,355 Please, please, please. 151 00:07:20,482 --> 00:07:21,859 Well, I'll give you this. 152 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,778 Candi caruso would not eat this amount of shit. 153 00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:27,031 Unless afterward she went into a bathroom stall 154 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,550 and used the old two-fingered wood chipper. 155 00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:33,078 Why would I want to stand next to a twig like that all day when I can stand next to you? 156 00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:35,873 What would you do if you lost? 157 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,958 You keep harping on this. 158 00:07:38,042 --> 00:07:40,377 But I'll tell you something, I have lost elections. 159 00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:43,047 I lost the first time that I ran for congress. 160 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,424 They called me selina Vanderbilt, 161 00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:47,843 as if the vanderbilts had any money left. 162 00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:52,097 Anyway, after that, you know, I went to Arizona to a spa 163 00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:54,516 and I took stock 164 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,685 and I asked myself some tough questions about... 165 00:07:56,769 --> 00:08:00,105 Wait, was that when you had your nervous breakdown? 166 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:04,401 No, no, I did not... No, I went to a spa, sweetie. 167 00:08:04,485 --> 00:08:08,739 No, when Rosa had to take care of me because you went to a mental hospital. 168 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,617 No, darling, I didn't go to a mental hospital. 169 00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:13,619 I went to a spa. 170 00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:16,413 Is this how this is all going to be in your movie? 171 00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:18,916 Massachusetts votes for selina meyer. 172 00:08:19,041 --> 00:08:20,918 - 11-10, o'brien. - I just talked to furlong. 173 00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:23,229 He said everything's under control plus a bunch of stuff 174 00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:25,013 about assholes and jizz and my pretty mouth. 175 00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:27,508 Richard, where is Jonah? 176 00:08:27,591 --> 00:08:30,010 -Morningl -shut the fuck up, Richard. 177 00:08:30,094 --> 00:08:32,721 Well, you can't scream that in this neighborhood. 178 00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:36,475 I couldn't find my clothes. I had to get this out of her dad's closet. 179 00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:38,358 Shorty told me she was a senior at Georgetown. 180 00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:41,230 Turns out she meant Georgetown day school. 181 00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:42,773 She's on the math team. 182 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,209 - Are you filming me? - Might be a crime. 183 00:08:44,233 --> 00:08:48,320 Yeah, Catherine asked me to help assist her with documenting the vote. 184 00:08:48,404 --> 00:08:50,465 Plus she taught me how to make sure the camera is on. 185 00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:53,200 Okay, good, well, then on this historic day... 186 00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:55,095 - Also, the president's on the line. - Motherfuck. 187 00:08:55,119 --> 00:08:57,037 - Jonah, can you hear me? - Yes, ma'am. 188 00:08:57,121 --> 00:09:01,041 You listen to me, all right? You are already dead. 189 00:09:01,125 --> 00:09:04,545 What you do now, you do for your family. 190 00:09:04,628 --> 00:09:07,548 You get yourself in there and you vote for me! 191 00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:12,136 Is my entire presidency about to have its neck snapped by congressman lennie here? 192 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:14,888 Call all friendlies. Let's slow this thing down. 193 00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:16,557 The great state of Michigan 194 00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:20,060 would like to cast its vote. 195 00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:24,606 But first, let us pray. 196 00:09:24,857 --> 00:09:26,483 My mom lost the Nevada recount, 197 00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:29,027 but that was overshadowed by some terrible news. 198 00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:30,946 My dear mee-maw died. 199 00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:33,073 This is the oval office. 200 00:09:33,365 --> 00:09:35,993 Wow, three generations of meyer women. 201 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,163 It's like the best episode of falcon crest ever. 202 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:42,291 Mother, this right here 203 00:09:42,374 --> 00:09:44,877 is the resolute desk. 204 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,045 And it was used by fdr 205 00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:50,090 and now by me, mother, your daughter. 206 00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:57,556 I do hope you'll wait till your hair grows to have your portrait painted. 207 00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:01,935 This has been fun. 208 00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:03,687 - She looks like a boy. - Okay. 209 00:10:05,022 --> 00:10:07,065 It doesn't seem that deep. Look. 210 00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:09,610 Yeah, that's not that deep. 211 00:10:09,693 --> 00:10:12,154 Excuse me, should this be deeper? 212 00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:14,877 - Have you ever lost a grandparent? - All my grandparents are dead. 213 00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:18,035 Wait. No. 214 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,120 One or two might still be alive. 215 00:10:20,996 --> 00:10:22,039 - Hey. - Hey. 216 00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:25,209 Good to be back in good old DC, 217 00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:28,378 away from the greed, the money, and the hookers. 218 00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:29,797 Listen... 219 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,715 So, if you're not doing anything later... 220 00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:35,761 Jesus fucking Christ. You got to tell your sister to stop calling me. 221 00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:41,057 Hey, girl. 222 00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:43,894 So now as a person in politics under 40... 223 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,355 You just... wait, cut. 224 00:10:46,772 --> 00:10:50,150 Actually, I'm the one that's supposed to say "cut." 225 00:10:50,234 --> 00:10:52,653 No, no, no, I'm saying it because we're starting that over. 226 00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:55,197 Ready? Action. 227 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:59,284 As a person in politics who's younger than most of her... cut, cut. 228 00:10:59,368 --> 00:11:01,370 - No, Amy, please don't actually say... - Action. 229 00:11:01,453 --> 00:11:04,331 We were really disappointed about the Chinese adoption sanctions. 230 00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:09,294 That... but on the bright side, I turned the nursery into a man cave for me. 231 00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:13,173 I mean, surround sound, 55-inch television screen. 232 00:11:13,257 --> 00:11:15,634 It actually cost the same as the kid, so it works out. 233 00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:18,887 I can't wait for Wendy to see it. She is gonna... 234 00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,807 Possibly like it. 235 00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:24,560 - Do you like working at the white house? - I do, yes. 236 00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:27,437 - Have you enjoyed working for the president? - Yes. 237 00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:30,274 - Were you ever frightened for your life? - No. 238 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,252 Are you really ready to take a bullet for the president? 239 00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:33,318 Yes. 240 00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:35,362 - Have you ever killed a man? - Can't say. 241 00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,656 Do you think my mom's a good president? 242 00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:42,076 Yes. 243 00:11:42,119 --> 00:11:44,180 That was perfect. Everybody else that I've interviewed just 244 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,598 talks about themselves all the time and... 245 00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:48,166 Would you like to have dinner with me sometime? 246 00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:50,002 Yeah, I... I would love that. 247 00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:53,547 I should say that... You know that I'm not gay? 248 00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:55,090 - Really? - Yeah. Well, I... 249 00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:57,342 - I didn't mean that to come across... - No, it didn't. 250 00:11:57,426 --> 00:12:00,554 You know, it's just I assumed just because, 251 00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:03,265 you know, the way you dress and stare at me. 252 00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:04,892 Well, I mean, I like guys. 253 00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:07,394 The Thanksgiving death of congressman Harry sherman 254 00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:10,981 put the key state of New Hampshire back in play for the house vote. 255 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:14,985 I followed candidate Jonah Ryan as he campaigned in his home state. 256 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,738 How am I doing? Eating so much pussy I'm shitting clits, son. 257 00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:19,031 - _hey! - What? 258 00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:22,659 This is an elementary school! Watch your spewing mouth, you animal! 259 00:12:23,035 --> 00:12:24,453 Hey, you are gonna pay for that. 260 00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:25,972 - That is assault. - Out. Out. Out. Out. 261 00:12:25,996 --> 00:12:27,748 That is assault. You are witnesses. 262 00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:29,391 - This is assault! - Right now, get out. 263 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,335 Hello there. I'm Jonah Ryan. 264 00:12:33,629 --> 00:12:34,671 Fuck. 265 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,465 Mothercunt. 266 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,010 Piece of shit. Fuck you. Fuck you. 267 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:43,347 Fuck. 268 00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:44,765 Careful. Careful. Careful. 269 00:12:44,848 --> 00:12:47,088 I think the problem is that you lack upper body strength. 270 00:12:48,977 --> 00:12:50,577 Why am I even chopping the fucking wood? 271 00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:52,230 It's the 21st century. 272 00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:54,024 We don't even use this shit anymore. 273 00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:58,028 Worked fine. 274 00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:03,909 And I grew up right here in the awesome state of New Hampshire. 275 00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:06,787 I hitched my wagon to a shooting star named Jonah Ryan. 276 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:08,830 Well, maybe I should say comet 277 00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:11,291 because shooting stars burn out and he never will. 278 00:13:11,375 --> 00:13:14,211 The only downside is that, you know, I'll probably have to miss 279 00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:16,630 my Gilbert and Sullivan society annual show. 280 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,382 You know, operetta is my passion. 281 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,425 If you want to know who we are 282 00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:26,723 we are gentlemen of Japan 283 00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:32,479 home to motown, 284 00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:36,191 a.k.a. Hitsville u.S.A., 285 00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:39,486 would like to cast its vote 286 00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:45,534 for president selina Catherine meyer. 287 00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:47,202 Michigan votes for selina meyer. 288 00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:49,538 - Jesus, Richard, please drive faster. - Minnesota. 289 00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:52,266 - Maybe if you held the camera... - I'm not gonna hold the camera, Richard. 290 00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:53,792 How would I be on the camera... 291 00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:56,837 Jesus Christ, Richard! You could have killed me. 292 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,714 Can't you do two simple things at once? 293 00:13:58,797 --> 00:14:00,483 I just thank god I didn't hit those schoolchildren. 294 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,176 Who gives a fuck about them? Go! Go! 295 00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:05,303 Well, actually, the car won't start. 296 00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:08,015 - Maybe call an uber. - We can't call an uber. 297 00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:10,434 I've been banned for life because I have a low rating. 298 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,602 Missouri abstains from the vote. 299 00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:14,521 - Missouri abstained? - Abstained? 300 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,940 This is Tom and he's making a move 301 00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:19,526 like some kind of grand fucking chess master. 302 00:14:19,735 --> 00:14:23,280 Stalemate his endgame. Shades of Karpov versus Kasparov. 303 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,603 - Who's that for, Kent? - Guys, Missouri's gonna abstain. 304 00:14:25,657 --> 00:14:27,868 Tom just needs to make sure that no one gets to 26 305 00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:30,263 and then get his buddy marwood to make sure there's not another vote. 306 00:14:30,287 --> 00:14:31,830 - That's it. - Where is Jonah, folks? 307 00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:34,291 Motherfucker! They're taking a lyft now? 308 00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:39,755 - Time to wake up. - Stop. 309 00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:41,339 You big lesbo. 310 00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:45,552 And what's it to you? I think it's time to wake up. 311 00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:48,764 Suddenly everything in my life made sense. 312 00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:50,241 Actually, I got a question for you. 313 00:14:50,265 --> 00:14:52,768 Is it weird going hallway to hallway 314 00:14:52,851 --> 00:14:55,479 - with your mom's twin? - What? 315 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:58,482 To... never mind. 316 00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:01,443 Do you think about what you'll do if my mother doesn't win? 317 00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:03,904 God, I have no idea. What else am I gonna do? 318 00:15:04,321 --> 00:15:06,073 Go out and see the world? 319 00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:09,618 I don't even like looking out my window, so... 320 00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:12,079 I really... I don't know. 321 00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:15,248 Ben, you home. 322 00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:16,416 It's the spouse. 323 00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:19,961 Hey, sweetie. Hi. 324 00:15:20,045 --> 00:15:22,964 Joyce, this is the president's daughter, Catherine. 325 00:15:23,048 --> 00:15:25,008 Catherine, this is my wife Joyce. 326 00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:26,426 - Nice to meet you. - You, too. 327 00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:27,552 What a surprise. 328 00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:29,447 I thought you and the kids were on vacation this week. 329 00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:30,514 Yeah, that was last month. 330 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:33,100 Joyce, she took care of me after my third heart attack. 331 00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:36,186 My second wife was a nurse as well. 332 00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,396 I guess I have a thing for nurses, huh? 333 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,774 Yeah, but I his best nurse. 334 00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:44,111 These precious moments figurines are a very good investment. 335 00:15:44,194 --> 00:15:45,362 Would you care for a drink? 336 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:48,406 Hi, yeah, I'm trying to reach Charlie baird. 337 00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:50,408 This is a friend of his, Gary Walsh. 338 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:54,121 What's the... what is this concerning? 339 00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:55,413 Hanging out? 340 00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:57,749 Have you even been on a motorcycle before? 341 00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:02,129 I like to get out of Washington whenever I can. 342 00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:03,797 So I joined a club. 343 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,841 These are my compatriots. 344 00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:09,010 We are a historically Spanish-speaking motorcycle club 345 00:16:09,094 --> 00:16:13,890 which has been under a great deal of unfair legal scrutiny lately. 346 00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:16,726 This is our president, El cabeza. 347 00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:21,940 Hey, knock it off! 348 00:16:22,274 --> 00:16:24,401 Save it for the Lopez brothers! 349 00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:28,697 I find that my involvement in the club keeps the internecine skirmishes 350 00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,574 of Washington in perspective. 351 00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:36,079 Hello. 352 00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:38,415 - Hey, how far out are you? - We're at security. 353 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,834 Get the hunchback of notre-Hampshire down to the floor. 354 00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:43,170 Well, we've reached a little bit of a kerfuffle. 355 00:16:43,253 --> 00:16:45,005 I'd say even more of a kerfuffle. 356 00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:47,174 Like a snafu approaching quagmire. 357 00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:49,217 Jonah Ryan. Just Google me. Google me. 358 00:16:49,301 --> 00:16:51,595 - Come on, fucking Google me. - Calm down, sir. 359 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:52,762 Jesus Christ. 360 00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,016 - Hey! - No! 361 00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:59,311 We're hanging on by a thread, but if everyone votes 362 00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:00,872 the way we think they're gonna vote, we'll win. 363 00:17:00,896 --> 00:17:05,400 Yeah, that's the least reassuring sentence I've heard since "it's okay, it's just the tip." 364 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:08,885 It's looking tighter than will's own butthole when he's got his fingerjammed up there 365 00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:11,448 watching bad news bears while he jerks off. 366 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,242 - How tight is that, will? - It's very tight, sir. 367 00:17:14,326 --> 00:17:16,536 Yeah, but I wouldn't take down the tampon dispenser 368 00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:18,246 in the oval office bathroom just yet. 369 00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:19,956 How will you feel if my mom loses? 370 00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,626 If your mom loses? I'll miss her. 371 00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:24,878 She's a pretty classy lady. 372 00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,939 She's the only person in this town who really gets me. 373 00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:30,217 So I will see you tomorrow night. 374 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,177 - Yes. - Yes, indeed. 375 00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:33,553 As the vote got closer, 376 00:17:33,637 --> 00:17:36,473 the tension in the white house ratcheted up even further. 377 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,183 Run. 378 00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:39,643 Doon 379 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:43,313 so what the fuck is Tom up to? 380 00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:51,655 Sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry. 381 00:17:54,658 --> 00:17:55,742 Yes? 382 00:17:55,825 --> 00:18:00,080 I was just checking to see if there was another meeting about me. 383 00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:01,790 Not today. 384 00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:03,500 Okay. 385 00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:09,673 Guys, Mike is a moron. Jesus Christ! 386 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,425 - I can't wait until after the inauguration. - No. 387 00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:14,928 I'm sure he's an inspiration to other slow adults, 388 00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:16,721 but it's enough already with Mike. 389 00:18:16,805 --> 00:18:18,306 I'll start lining up interviews. 390 00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:20,100 Since the surrogate's pregnant, 391 00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:22,811 we've converted the man cave back into a baby cave. 392 00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:26,147 And this thing here was already hard-mounted. It's pretty solid. 393 00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:27,917 So I think I'm just gonna leave it here, you know? 394 00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:30,110 That way, we can play educational stuff for the baby. 395 00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:33,071 You know, Barney, nature films, nothing harmful. 396 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:36,741 God, check for lead. Note to self. 397 00:18:36,825 --> 00:18:39,327 So what's up with all the hockey stuff? 398 00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:50,547 Let's go in here. We can talk privately in here, Tom. 399 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,149 - Shit. - You know, I've been waiting for this 400 00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:53,717 for a very long time. 401 00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:57,804 Okay, how stupid are you, you motherfucking snake? 402 00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:58,927 - Fuck. - I know exactly... 403 00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:01,141 - All right, I wanted to fuck you! - That's right! 404 00:19:01,224 --> 00:19:03,268 And now you're trying to fuck me again tonight. 405 00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:05,020 No, I am fucking you tonight! 406 00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:07,397 No, I'm gonna fuck you! 407 00:19:11,026 --> 00:19:14,321 No, no, no, please. 408 00:19:14,404 --> 00:19:16,948 Have you thought about what you'll do if my mother loses? 409 00:19:17,032 --> 00:19:18,158 We'll be fine. 410 00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:22,662 - Sorry. - Yeah, hi. It's this couch right here, yeah. 411 00:19:22,746 --> 00:19:27,000 I mean, whether we're in the white house or we're antiquing in Charleston 412 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:30,837 or we're on the pink, Sandy beaches of Barbuda, 413 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,256 you know, it's like, we'll be fine. 414 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:36,217 - Where do you want this? - Just not here. 415 00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:38,803 We haven't even been to Italy. 416 00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:40,764 My father was a Navy guy, 417 00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:43,099 so we traveled the world quite a bit. 418 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:47,645 I am very excited to be secretary of state. 419 00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:52,567 What about congressman graves? I thought that he was doing it. 420 00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:59,574 Did I tell you I have a photograph of my father? 421 00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:01,659 - New Hampshire? - Where is he? 422 00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:04,287 The state of New Hampshire begs the floor's indulgence. 423 00:20:04,829 --> 00:20:06,873 We are still missing a member of our delegation. 424 00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:09,417 - I thought that you said he was at security. - He was. 425 00:20:09,501 --> 00:20:11,711 He's 18 feet tall. How could he have gone missing? 426 00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:13,338 Jesus. Catherine, move. 427 00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,134 Other exit. 428 00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:22,764 Wait, no, no, no! 429 00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:25,225 - You want it open? Sorry. Okay, I got it. - Fuck! 430 00:20:27,936 --> 00:20:29,187 I'm so excited. 431 00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:30,480 She's here? 432 00:20:32,816 --> 00:20:35,902 - Hi, mom. - Welcome home. 433 00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:38,196 - Catherine, this is my mom, my dad. - Hi. 434 00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:40,407 - Hi. Hi. - Grandma. Grandpa. 435 00:20:40,490 --> 00:20:44,411 - This is Catherine meyer, my work friend. - What? 436 00:20:44,494 --> 00:20:45,662 Welcome to Montana. 437 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:48,832 We had a fight. 438 00:20:51,042 --> 00:20:53,962 I trust the American people to make the right decision. 439 00:20:54,254 --> 00:20:56,423 What if you think they're gonna make a certain decision 440 00:20:56,506 --> 00:20:59,926 and they make a different decision and then it completely derails 441 00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:01,594 what you thought was gonna happen? 442 00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:04,514 - And then your plans are different. - Honey, don't cry. 443 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,600 Mommy's gonna get elected, honey. 444 00:21:07,684 --> 00:21:10,437 Marjorie and I broke up. 445 00:21:13,648 --> 00:21:15,525 That's terrible. 446 00:21:17,068 --> 00:21:20,238 - Do you need a tissue? - No, I'm fine. 447 00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:21,739 Yeah, no, you do. 448 00:21:21,823 --> 00:21:26,494 Honey. You look terrible. You look terrible. 449 00:21:28,872 --> 00:21:30,623 Honey, let me tell you something. 450 00:21:30,707 --> 00:21:35,336 Marjorie is insufferable, okay? 451 00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:40,133 There are other... there are other fish in the sapphic sea, babe. 452 00:21:40,216 --> 00:21:44,053 I mean, seriously, there are more lesbians in the secret service, even. 453 00:21:44,137 --> 00:21:46,181 - You feel better? - Yeah, a little bit. 454 00:21:46,264 --> 00:21:48,099 Good girl. Good. Okay, let's get back. 455 00:21:48,183 --> 00:21:50,977 Legacy is not something that I can be concerned with. 456 00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:56,441 I'm laser-focused on doing the best possible job I can 457 00:21:56,524 --> 00:21:59,736 as president... Catherine. 458 00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:02,155 Not everybody gets to just walk into the oval. 459 00:22:03,907 --> 00:22:05,241 Madam president. 460 00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:07,660 - Wayne! Hey! - Hey. 461 00:22:07,744 --> 00:22:10,830 What the what? What, are you doing an interview? 462 00:22:10,914 --> 00:22:12,290 Yeah, he is. 463 00:22:12,373 --> 00:22:14,959 - Well, completely slipped my mind. - Okay. 464 00:22:15,043 --> 00:22:16,937 Ma'am, here are the talking points for this afternoon. 465 00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:18,838 No. Sorry. 466 00:22:18,922 --> 00:22:20,840 Wrong ones. I'll be back. 467 00:22:20,924 --> 00:22:23,718 - See you at poker on Wednesday. - Right. 468 00:22:25,428 --> 00:22:27,180 So, you see what I'm dealing with here. 469 00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:30,600 So you didn't tell him that I'm taking his job yet? 470 00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:32,602 No, that'll be your first press release. 471 00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:34,525 Now that there will be three babies on the way, 472 00:22:34,562 --> 00:22:37,023 we decided to move the kiddos upstairs to the master 473 00:22:37,106 --> 00:22:40,026 and this will be the new love palace. 474 00:22:40,109 --> 00:22:43,530 She gets the dresser and I'll hang those in the... 475 00:22:43,613 --> 00:22:44,614 I don't know where. 476 00:22:44,697 --> 00:22:47,367 The lead, still a problem. 477 00:22:47,450 --> 00:22:48,650 Raise your right hand, please. 478 00:22:49,452 --> 00:22:52,622 - "I do solemnly swear..." - I do solemnly swear... 479 00:22:52,830 --> 00:22:55,809 "That I will support and defend the constitution of the United States..." 480 00:22:55,833 --> 00:22:59,003 That I will support and defend the constitution of the United States... 481 00:23:01,381 --> 00:23:03,383 Vermont abstains from the vote. 482 00:23:03,633 --> 00:23:04,842 God. 483 00:23:04,926 --> 00:23:07,637 That's three abstentions. Sorry, ma'am. 484 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,597 Oh, my god. 485 00:23:09,681 --> 00:23:10,890 What? 486 00:23:10,974 --> 00:23:13,059 Wait, though, isn't there anything we can do? 487 00:23:13,142 --> 00:23:15,061 No, you'd have to run the table now to win. 488 00:23:15,144 --> 00:23:16,688 There's no way you can get to 26. 489 00:23:16,771 --> 00:23:18,624 - But what if we get Virginia? - You're not gonna get Virginia. 490 00:23:18,648 --> 00:23:20,584 - What if we get West Virginia? - You're not gonna get anything. 491 00:23:20,608 --> 00:23:22,944 Can we give them farm subsidies? Can we... 492 00:23:23,027 --> 00:23:25,863 You can't win, ma'am. You're not gonna be president. 493 00:23:25,947 --> 00:23:29,033 - Virginia votes for bill o'brien. - Ma'am? 494 00:23:29,117 --> 00:23:30,660 Virginia votes for bill o'brien. 495 00:23:30,743 --> 00:23:33,580 - Christ. I mean, o'brien's only got 22. - Yeah. 496 00:23:33,663 --> 00:23:36,916 I mean, I don't think even he can get to 26. 497 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:40,461 Looks like we're looking down the barrel of a Tom James presidency. 498 00:23:40,545 --> 00:23:42,982 Could you explain to me one more time how this whole thing works? 499 00:23:43,006 --> 00:23:45,174 Why is Tom... 500 00:23:45,258 --> 00:23:47,385 I'm really sorry, mom. 501 00:23:47,468 --> 00:23:48,761 Hey, don't worry, ma'am. 502 00:23:48,845 --> 00:23:51,848 You can run again in four years, you know? 503 00:23:51,931 --> 00:23:54,809 Not if Tom James is president, I can't. 504 00:23:54,892 --> 00:23:58,271 Washington votes for bill o'brien. 505 00:23:58,354 --> 00:24:00,815 Washington votes for bill o'brien. 506 00:24:02,275 --> 00:24:05,194 - All right, everybody clear out. - Okay. 507 00:24:05,278 --> 00:24:07,697 - Clear out! - Let's go. 508 00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:09,741 Except you, Amy. 509 00:24:10,950 --> 00:24:13,661 God, come on, come on. 510 00:24:13,745 --> 00:24:15,121 Okay, look. 511 00:24:16,914 --> 00:24:19,042 Get that clown-tard Jonah on the phone right now. 512 00:24:19,125 --> 00:24:22,879 What if we tell him to vote for o'brien? 513 00:24:24,756 --> 00:24:27,216 Ma'am, you can't do that. He is the opposition... 514 00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:31,387 It is the only fucking thing that I can do, Amy. 515 00:24:31,471 --> 00:24:33,056 Seriously. 516 00:24:33,139 --> 00:24:37,060 If o'brien wins the presidency, I can run against him in four years. 517 00:24:37,143 --> 00:24:38,978 But if Tom James wins, 518 00:24:39,062 --> 00:24:43,066 he's gonna be president for the next eight years, Amy. Eight! 519 00:24:43,149 --> 00:24:45,485 Twelve, ma'am. 520 00:24:45,568 --> 00:24:46,861 Tom's first term won't count 521 00:24:46,944 --> 00:24:49,131 because technically he'll be an elevated vice president. 522 00:24:49,155 --> 00:24:50,657 But I sound like Kent, so... 523 00:24:50,740 --> 00:24:56,037 My god, in 12 years, I'm gonna be a shriveled-up can of ass. 524 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:58,623 Seriously, I can't... I mean, my political window 525 00:24:58,706 --> 00:25:02,126 just slams shut the second I can't wear sleeveless dresses. 526 00:25:02,210 --> 00:25:06,714 Call Jonah right now and tell him to vote for o'brien. 527 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:10,843 Excuse me. Where is the house chamber? 528 00:25:10,927 --> 00:25:12,679 The house chamber is that way. 529 00:25:12,762 --> 00:25:16,391 No, it's not. We just... We just fucking came from there! 530 00:25:16,474 --> 00:25:18,559 No, it's not... 531 00:25:18,643 --> 00:25:20,103 God damn it. 532 00:25:21,979 --> 00:25:24,107 You better be right. 533 00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:25,733 They're gonna close the vote. 534 00:25:25,817 --> 00:25:27,568 - O'brien, 25. - He's one away. 535 00:25:27,652 --> 00:25:29,362 Please, god, deliver Jonah to congress 536 00:25:29,445 --> 00:25:31,256 and then give him any kind of cancer. I don't care. 537 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:32,365 - There he is. - Catherine. 538 00:25:32,448 --> 00:25:34,742 Marjorie? I don't want to talk to you. 539 00:25:34,826 --> 00:25:37,286 No, listen. Look, I'm sorry, okay? 540 00:25:37,370 --> 00:25:39,080 I told my parents about us. 541 00:25:39,163 --> 00:25:40,766 - New Hampshire... - They took it hard, but I don't care. 542 00:25:40,790 --> 00:25:42,458 - I love you. - Proudly casts its vote 543 00:25:42,542 --> 00:25:44,961 - for president selina meyer. - I love you, too. 544 00:25:46,129 --> 00:25:47,609 New Hampshire votes for selina meyer. 545 00:25:47,672 --> 00:25:49,882 The vote is hereby closed. 546 00:25:50,216 --> 00:25:54,137 That's o'brien, 25, meyer, 22. 547 00:25:54,220 --> 00:25:55,763 With three abstentions, 548 00:25:55,847 --> 00:26:00,727 no candidate has received the constitutionally required 26 votes. 549 00:26:00,810 --> 00:26:02,437 This house is adjourned. 550 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:06,774 I'm sorry, I would like to change my vote. I voted for the wrong person. 551 00:26:06,858 --> 00:26:09,736 I would like to change my vote, thank you. 552 00:26:09,819 --> 00:26:10,903 Where is everyone going? 553 00:26:10,987 --> 00:26:12,780 The gentleman from New Hampshire 554 00:26:12,864 --> 00:26:15,742 puts forth onto the floor a do-over, thank you. 555 00:26:15,825 --> 00:26:18,619 We have just witnessed a historic no decision 556 00:26:18,828 --> 00:26:20,413 in the house of representatives. 557 00:26:20,496 --> 00:26:22,248 Okay, we got to get a statement out. 558 00:26:22,331 --> 00:26:25,376 The senate will now choose between senators Tom James and Laura montez. 559 00:26:25,460 --> 00:26:27,378 - Hey, Marjorie. - Hello, ma'am. 560 00:26:27,462 --> 00:26:29,505 If I lose, I lose. 561 00:26:29,589 --> 00:26:33,634 Teddy Roosevelt lost. John Adams lost. Winston Churchill lost. 562 00:26:33,718 --> 00:26:36,095 So plenty of presidents have lost 563 00:26:36,179 --> 00:26:38,723 and gone on to do great, great things. 564 00:26:41,851 --> 00:26:43,519 Are we done, sweetie? 565 00:26:44,061 --> 00:26:46,781 - I can't fucking lose this thing. - You won't. You won't. You won't. 566 00:26:51,527 --> 00:26:53,446 We are now entering the red room, 567 00:26:53,529 --> 00:26:56,032 which originally was the yellow drawing... 568 00:26:56,115 --> 00:26:58,785 Madam president, I am so sorry. 569 00:26:58,868 --> 00:27:00,345 - We're just coming through. - No, it's fine. 570 00:27:00,369 --> 00:27:02,789 Everybody, come on in. Come on in. 571 00:27:02,872 --> 00:27:04,957 Welcome, welcome. 572 00:27:05,041 --> 00:27:06,918 Welcome. Hello. 573 00:27:07,001 --> 00:27:08,669 Look at you. I think you're from Kansas. 574 00:27:08,753 --> 00:27:11,088 - I can see it... - I am. I voted for you twice. 575 00:27:11,172 --> 00:27:14,175 This year and back when you ran for president the first time. 576 00:27:14,258 --> 00:27:16,719 You're clutching your bag like I'm gonna steal it. 577 00:27:18,679 --> 00:27:21,015 - Would you like to take a picture? - Yeah. 578 00:27:21,098 --> 00:27:23,184 Yeah. She knows what she wants. 579 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:25,937 - Did we get it? - Yeah. 580 00:27:26,020 --> 00:27:27,480 Okay, great. Thank you. 581 00:27:27,563 --> 00:27:29,398 I love you. 582 00:27:36,322 --> 00:27:38,241 Thank you. 583 00:27:40,117 --> 00:27:41,744 Thank you. 584 00:27:43,538 --> 00:27:46,082 Thank you. Thank you. 585 00:27:51,087 --> 00:27:53,422 Who else would like a photo? 586 00:27:54,590 --> 00:27:57,176 Some say a tie is like kissing your sister. 587 00:27:57,760 --> 00:27:59,846 But it took an electoral college tie 588 00:27:59,929 --> 00:28:03,933 for me to get to kiss the sister I never knew I had. 589 00:28:08,521 --> 00:28:10,356 I'm just gonna ask you what you think 590 00:28:10,439 --> 00:28:13,067 of a few people in my mother's administration. 591 00:28:13,150 --> 00:28:14,944 It's a great opportunity. Thank you. 592 00:28:15,027 --> 00:28:16,612 What do you think of Amy brookheimer? 593 00:28:16,696 --> 00:28:18,239 She likes to hear herself talk. 594 00:28:18,322 --> 00:28:19,824 - Tense. - Shrill. 595 00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:20,992 - Shrill. - Shrill. 596 00:28:21,075 --> 00:28:22,743 - Shrill. - Did they say shrill? 597 00:28:22,827 --> 00:28:25,830 - How would you describe Gary Walsh? - A kind person. 598 00:28:25,913 --> 00:28:28,541 - Truck stop glory hole. - Can do a handstand still. 599 00:28:28,624 --> 00:28:30,710 - What do you think of Dan egan? - Douchebag. 600 00:28:30,793 --> 00:28:33,713 - The other side of the glory hole. - He's fine. 601 00:28:33,796 --> 00:28:36,382 Mike is an idiot. It's amazing he got a driver's license. 602 00:28:36,465 --> 00:28:39,719 One of the most extraordinarily incoherent people I've ever met in my life. 603 00:28:39,802 --> 00:28:42,430 Sometimes, like, in a futuristic, like a Sci-Fi movie, 604 00:28:42,513 --> 00:28:45,808 you'll see, like, a robot that's like the old version of the robot 605 00:28:45,892 --> 00:28:47,018 and you kind of feel bad. 606 00:28:47,101 --> 00:28:48,101 How about Jonah? 607 00:28:48,144 --> 00:28:51,355 Jonah Ryan is the congressman that the people of New Hampshire deserve. 608 00:28:51,439 --> 00:28:54,442 Do you think you had a crowning achievement as vice president? 609 00:28:54,525 --> 00:28:58,404 Well, I became president. 610 00:28:58,487 --> 00:29:00,531 Can we call that an achievement? 611 00:29:00,615 --> 00:29:01,824 Did you vote for mom? 612 00:29:01,908 --> 00:29:04,553 If I would have voted, it would have certainly been for your mother. 613 00:29:04,577 --> 00:29:06,704 Where do you see yourself in 20 years? 614 00:29:06,787 --> 00:29:08,432 - White house. - I'd say the galapagos islands. 615 00:29:08,456 --> 00:29:11,709 - Just be president. - I have it penciled in 2036. Gonna go there. 616 00:29:11,792 --> 00:29:13,687 - Just the seat of power. - I bought two tickets. 617 00:29:13,711 --> 00:29:16,899 I don't know who the other is gonna be, but I'm assuming by then I'll be coupled up. 618 00:29:16,923 --> 00:29:19,800 Everyone saying, "Mr. President, this is the most important bill 619 00:29:19,884 --> 00:29:23,429 - "that has ever been signed into law." - I like to be close to the sun. 620 00:29:23,512 --> 00:29:27,391 I haven't thought that far ahead. I'm so focused on the present. 621 00:29:27,475 --> 00:29:28,768 Let me ask you a question. 622 00:29:28,851 --> 00:29:31,479 What's the best lesbian porn site?