1 00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:09,177 Selina: Congresswoman nickerson, I just want you to know 2 00:00:09,260 --> 00:00:11,971 - that I won't forget my friends in congress. - These are fabulous. 3 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:13,949 - Wow. - Gary: Her people say she wants the mug. 4 00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,742 - Would you like to keep the mugs... - Perfect. 5 00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:18,102 For your minivan? 6 00:00:18,269 --> 00:00:19,979 How did you know I have a minivan? 7 00:00:20,104 --> 00:00:21,439 Just a good guess. 8 00:00:21,606 --> 00:00:22,815 (Laughs) 9 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:26,652 Before I ran for congress, I was a stay-at-home mother of six. 10 00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:27,778 Ugh, yeah. 11 00:00:27,862 --> 00:00:31,115 I tell you, if I could not get there in a minivan, then iwasn't going. 12 00:00:31,282 --> 00:00:32,950 - Right. - You know the drill. 13 00:00:33,075 --> 00:00:34,493 Indeed, ldo, yeah. 14 00:00:34,619 --> 00:00:38,122 I mean, my license expired a few years ago, but I get the general idea. 15 00:00:38,331 --> 00:00:40,124 So, penny. Penny. 16 00:00:40,291 --> 00:00:45,171 We want to reauthorize the amphibious fighting boat, 17 00:00:45,296 --> 00:00:49,342 and have them built in your district. 18 00:00:49,467 --> 00:00:53,095 I saw a blanket out front that said "air force one" on it. 19 00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:54,347 It looks really beautiful. 20 00:00:54,472 --> 00:00:55,872 Let's get one of our care packages, 21 00:00:55,932 --> 00:00:58,142 and then we can throw one of those blankets in there. 22 00:00:58,267 --> 00:00:59,685 - With the throw pillows? - Yeah. 23 00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:01,810 So, what do you think? Can I count on your support? 24 00:01:01,854 --> 00:01:03,481 Okeydokey, Annie oakley. 25 00:01:03,648 --> 00:01:05,316 Bless your pea-picking heart. 26 00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:06,651 (Both laughing) 27 00:01:06,776 --> 00:01:08,736 Would you like to call someone from air force one? 28 00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:11,072 - That usually freaks people out. - Oh, my gosh. 29 00:01:11,155 --> 00:01:12,949 My Donald. He has chemo today. 30 00:01:13,032 --> 00:01:14,367 (Gasps) Fantastic. 31 00:01:14,617 --> 00:01:16,661 (Theme music playing) 32 00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:29,340 Let me tell you something else about selina meyer, 33 00:01:29,465 --> 00:01:31,133 our commander-in-thief. 34 00:01:31,509 --> 00:01:33,636 Check out the tits in the third row. 35 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:37,056 I could dribble those things like basketballs. 36 00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:38,933 She has destroyed the economy, 37 00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:42,395 made a mess of the middle east, she ruined Thanksgiving, 38 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,189 and that's all in just 10 months in office. 39 00:01:45,398 --> 00:01:47,525 Kent says Jonah's up another five points. 40 00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:50,695 - Wait, what? - We're gonna win in nashua. 41 00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:53,614 And we're gonna win in peterborough, and keene, 42 00:01:53,698 --> 00:01:56,909 and brattleboro, yeah! 43 00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:59,745 My name is Jonah Ryan, and I... 44 00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:02,164 Supporters: (Chanting) Won't back down! 45 00:02:02,248 --> 00:02:04,709 - (Band playing) - (Cheering) 46 00:02:06,002 --> 00:02:07,354 - Reporters: Mike! Mike! Mike! - Jim. Jim. 47 00:02:07,378 --> 00:02:10,065 Mike, the Navy doesn't even want the amphibious fighting boat anymore. 48 00:02:10,089 --> 00:02:14,969 Is it a coincidence that the plant that builds it is in congresswoman nickerson's district? 49 00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:18,597 Jim, if our nation's enemies decide to drop the puck on hostilities, 50 00:02:18,723 --> 00:02:22,601 then our Navy and our allies will be very glad we have the military capabilities we need. 51 00:02:22,727 --> 00:02:25,104 - "Drop the puck"? - Common hockey term. 52 00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:26,230 Uh, Donna. 53 00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:28,754 Mike. Mike, question about the president's daughter Catherine. 54 00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,693 - Is it true that... - I just heard the buzzer. 55 00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:32,212 That is the end of the third period. 56 00:02:32,236 --> 00:02:34,113 - See you at the next face-off. - Mike! Mike! 57 00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:37,575 You know, with nickerson's support, that clinches Colorado for us four-to-three. 58 00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:38,993 That doesn't look like Santa. 59 00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:42,121 The white house officially celebrates diwali, Christmas, hanukkah, kwanzaa 60 00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:43,622 - and mawlid an-nabt... - I know. 61 00:02:43,748 --> 00:02:45,708 The alleged birth date of the prophet Muhammad. 62 00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:48,562 Well, I suppose putting a few pictures up of Muhammad never hurt anyone. 63 00:02:48,586 --> 00:02:51,047 Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of press interest about Catherine 64 00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:53,299 - and, you know, her condition. - What? 65 00:02:53,424 --> 00:02:55,676 She's a lesbian, Mike. She's not a werewolf. 66 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,280 Although either one would explain why she never shaves her legs. 67 00:02:58,304 --> 00:02:59,597 - Anything else? - Yeah. 68 00:02:59,722 --> 00:03:01,891 The hill's "50 hottest staffers" list is out. 69 00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:05,647 When does the white house's "most useless press secretary" list come out? 70 00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:07,080 I can't wait to see who's number one this year. 71 00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:08,522 - I voted for Mike. - (Laughs) 72 00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:09,708 - Right. - Amy: I hate that thing. 73 00:03:09,732 --> 00:03:12,586 Every year, it means a month of horny senate aides looking down my blouse. 74 00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:14,528 Kent: Also, their methodology is unsound. 75 00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,048 I don't think you're in it this year, ame. 76 00:03:16,072 --> 00:03:17,382 There you go, Amy. Problem solved. 77 00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:20,284 Oh, my god, candi caruso ranked 17. Look at this picture. 78 00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:22,036 No way, look who's 21. 79 00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:23,871 -Gary -what? 80 00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,539 Who's 22? The elephant man? 81 00:03:25,623 --> 00:03:27,541 Oh, my god. (Chuckles) 82 00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:29,460 - Hey, 21. - Hmm. 83 00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:31,879 Rose hip tea, okay? Or I'm gonna 86 you. 84 00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:33,690 - (Phone buzzes) - Dan: Ooh, just got an endorsement 85 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:34,882 from the courier. 86 00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:37,903 And the e-mails from Tom petty's lawyers keep on getting angrier and angrier. 87 00:03:37,927 --> 00:03:40,721 How am I not on the hill's "50 hottest staffers" list this year? 88 00:03:40,805 --> 00:03:42,723 This year? It's the 50 hottest staffers, Jonah, 89 00:03:42,807 --> 00:03:45,476 not the 50 people most likely to kill themselves before trial. 90 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,729 I am on a career rocket ship to Mars right now, Dan, 91 00:03:48,813 --> 00:03:50,290 except I'm gonna leave Matt Damon there, 92 00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:53,734 because the guy made potatoes in his own shit like a fucking animal. 93 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:56,821 The whole point of the "50 hottest" is not to be on it. 94 00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:59,216 - You're number 26, Mr. Egan. - Yeah, five years in a row now. 95 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,409 - It is to use it to learn who to fuck. - Who? 96 00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:03,744 Find a woman who was on it last year, but not this year. 97 00:04:03,828 --> 00:04:06,414 I mean, that's like a "make her pay for dinner" situation. 98 00:04:06,497 --> 00:04:07,581 Does that work? 99 00:04:07,665 --> 00:04:10,477 If you don't look like someone melted play-doh all over a flagpole, it does. 100 00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:11,627 Wow. 101 00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:15,089 - You're a fantastic campaign manager. - Yeah. 102 00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:17,591 - Fucking Gary's number 21? - Jonah: What? 103 00:04:17,675 --> 00:04:21,178 Well, that just makes a mockery of the very idea of "hot" rankings. 104 00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:23,347 Well, it makes sense. He's got beautiful eyes. 105 00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:25,158 Selina: There they are. Tom: Madam president. 106 00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:26,382 - Hello, gentlemen. - Children. 107 00:04:26,851 --> 00:04:28,620 All right, let's get to this. Let's make it quick. 108 00:04:28,644 --> 00:04:30,804 Roger, you want to walk us through the drill right now? 109 00:04:30,855 --> 00:04:32,940 And would you please, please try and keep it clean? 110 00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:36,610 Madam president, tomorrow night is the president's annual holiday party 111 00:04:36,694 --> 00:04:38,494 for congressional members and their families. 112 00:04:38,529 --> 00:04:40,614 Ma'am, you'll need to make the initial approach. 113 00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:42,199 Ben will keep the offer straight. 114 00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:43,510 Kent will keep a running tally. 115 00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:45,870 Tom, you'll be in charge of putting out any fires. 116 00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,264 And once you're all done with them, 117 00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:49,874 I'll move in and squirt a half gallon of ropeyjism 118 00:04:49,999 --> 00:04:52,501 into their modeled congressional corn holes. 119 00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:55,880 Oh, you made it so far, and then you just... 120 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,131 (Sighs) 121 00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,884 Tom, do you have anything that you would like to add? 122 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,803 No, Roger took my thing about ropeyjism, so... 123 00:05:02,887 --> 00:05:03,888 Right. 124 00:05:04,180 --> 00:05:05,260 Thank you, madam president. 125 00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:07,159 - Selina: And I will see you tomorrow night. - (Door opens) 126 00:05:07,183 --> 00:05:08,368 - Right, Tom? - Tom: Indeed, yes. 127 00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:09,477 Selina: Okay. 128 00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:15,149 What's up? 129 00:05:15,232 --> 00:05:18,068 Dirty. Just dirty and shady. 130 00:05:18,194 --> 00:05:19,570 Door. Door. 131 00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:25,409 What the fuck is Tom up to? 132 00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:27,912 Why was he meeting with purcell at a Korean barbecue place? 133 00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:30,998 - Yeah, mannood is the opposition. - You think Tom is helping o'brien? 134 00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:33,921 But what could o'brien offer him that's better than the vice presidency? 135 00:05:34,043 --> 00:05:35,085 Literally anything. 136 00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:40,090 Tom wanted secretary of the treasury. I said no. 137 00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:41,592 Ah, fuck! 138 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,762 Ma'am, you just have to keep nailing down those votes. All right? 139 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,263 Twenty-six votes, and it's over. 140 00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:49,266 Okay, guys, we got to keep an eye on Tom tomorrow night. 141 00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:51,185 - Really. - Yes, ma'am. 142 00:06:01,904 --> 00:06:02,947 Yes? 143 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:06,742 I was just checking to see if there was another meeting about me. 144 00:06:08,077 --> 00:06:09,119 Not today. 145 00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:13,624 Dan: All right, the next question is for Mr. Ryan. 146 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,185 Would you vote to raise the debt ceiling? 147 00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:17,795 Well, as the late, great Lionel Richie once said, 148 00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:21,298 "oh, what a feeling, I am dancing on the debt ceiling." 149 00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:25,886 Okay, a, Lionel Richie is not dead, and b, what the fuck does that even mean? 150 00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:27,471 New Hampshire loves my zingers. 151 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,057 It's my personality that has gotten us this far. 152 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:34,979 No, I am the one who got us this far, you sentient enema. 153 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,540 All right, Mrs. Sherman, same question. 154 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,566 I hereby solemnly promise to never vote 155 00:06:38,649 --> 00:06:41,068 to raise the debt ceiling without budgetary offsets. 156 00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:43,151 Lord knows I stick to my grocery budget every week. 157 00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:45,489 Mother Mary dry-humping a pillow. 158 00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:47,241 That is what I call natural talent. 159 00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:49,159 - What was your name again? - Judy sherman. 160 00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:50,828 Oh, come on, Richard's only winning 161 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,497 because he gets to be the easier person and I have to be me. 162 00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,249 All right, Judy, pretend to be Jonah. 163 00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:57,060 Richard's not gonna get the subtleties of being... 164 00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,169 Just shut the fuck up and move! 165 00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:04,300 I'd have to agree with Mrs. Sherman here on fiscal responsibility. 166 00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:05,843 In fact, 167 00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:08,929 teacher, allow me to present you with this apple. 168 00:07:09,013 --> 00:07:12,141 Feel my dick. I am rock-hard for you right now, mister. 169 00:07:12,224 --> 00:07:13,451 You think I'm kidding. Feel it. 170 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,436 - Shit. - Jonah: What? 171 00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:18,147 Local news stations are running footage from the rally. 172 00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:20,274 - You said brattleboro. - So? 173 00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:22,860 So, brattleboro just happens to be in Vermont. 174 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:23,986 Since when? 175 00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:27,656 Granted, every town up here is just two dirty piles of snow connected by a covered bridge. 176 00:07:27,740 --> 00:07:30,701 But Jesus Christ, Jonah, you grew up here. How do you not know this shit? 177 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:33,096 I don't know. Maybe I was supposed to learn it in the second grade, 178 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,538 but my teacher was a fucking bitch. 179 00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:35,998 Jonah, watch your language. 180 00:07:36,081 --> 00:07:38,268 All right. Well, obviously, ericsson had trackers at the event. 181 00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:39,769 Richard, who do we have tracking the widow? 182 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:40,836 Nobody. 183 00:07:41,712 --> 00:07:45,215 Then go out there and buy a camera, and videotape everything she does. 184 00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:46,759 Do you want 4k or 1080p? 185 00:07:46,842 --> 00:07:48,361 - Just buy any fucking camera. Go. - Okay, I'm going. 186 00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,470 You and I have to talk. 187 00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:52,514 If you were, like, 10% less black, I could make you president. 188 00:07:52,598 --> 00:07:53,641 Thank you. 189 00:07:54,266 --> 00:07:55,392 (Chatter) 190 00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:58,187 No. No. No. That's... get it out. 191 00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:01,565 Madam, we talked about this. The wife of congressman platt designed it. 192 00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:05,235 Does she know I'm not the president of Cuba? Did you tell her that? 193 00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:06,695 Are you wearing Cologne? 194 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,197 A little. 195 00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:09,573 (Sniffs) 196 00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:10,699 Smells like birdseed. 197 00:08:10,783 --> 00:08:13,202 - Hi, mom. - Hi, darling. 198 00:08:13,369 --> 00:08:16,372 Hi, Marjorie. Don't you look... 199 00:08:16,455 --> 00:08:18,582 - Gary: Strapping. - Strapping. 200 00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:21,418 - Thank you, ma'am. - What's happening with these tentacles here? 201 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:24,546 Are they gonna get put away or something? 202 00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:25,673 Uh, I have a question. 203 00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:30,344 I need to know how you gals want to play the whole gay thing. 204 00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:33,389 - I'm sorry, I don't know... - Mike has been getting a bunch of questions 205 00:08:33,472 --> 00:08:36,016 and interview requests and, you know, et cetera, et cetera. 206 00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,185 And I just don't know how you want to handle that. 207 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:41,730 Do you want to just play it like Ellen or do you want to be more like Jodie foster? 208 00:08:41,814 --> 00:08:43,941 Or do you want to play it more like a mystery? 209 00:08:44,233 --> 00:08:48,404 Uh, I think that we were kind of hoping that we could keep things on the down-low. 210 00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:52,199 Okay, can you just speak English, Catherine? 'Cause I don't know what you're trying to say. 211 00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:54,326 Madam president, if it's all the same to you, 212 00:08:54,410 --> 00:08:56,954 we don't want our private life to be politicized. 213 00:08:57,705 --> 00:09:01,333 Okay. I get that. I respect that. We'll keep it under the gaydar. (Chuckles) 214 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,600 - Thank you. - So, great. I'll tell Mike. 215 00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:07,148 - Man: Ladies and gentlemen... - Here, take it. 216 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,258 - The president of the United States. - Thank you. 217 00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:12,177 - Thank... (Gasps) Would you listen to this? - (Harmonizing) 218 00:09:12,261 --> 00:09:14,930 Who doesn't love a cappella, right? 219 00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:18,600 It's like a magic trick 'cause there are no instruments, of course. 220 00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:21,061 Madam president, Tom James, 8 o'clock. 221 00:09:21,145 --> 00:09:22,187 Okay. 222 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:28,485 You mean 11 o'clock? Over there? 223 00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:30,738 Seriously, can you really not tell time? 224 00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,282 Sorry, ma'am, I just thought it meant close. 225 00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:37,095 The fluffers have done their work. It's time for the orgy to begin. 226 00:09:37,119 --> 00:09:39,121 Okay, let's get that done. 227 00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:42,291 Oh, look, Catherine. You fixed that there, didn't you? 228 00:09:42,374 --> 00:09:46,086 - Yeah. - Except it's still just a rat's nest in the back. 229 00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:47,212 It needs to pull... 230 00:09:47,296 --> 00:09:48,857 - Maybe you can help her, Marjorie. - Pull it back. 231 00:09:48,881 --> 00:09:50,340 Just pull it back, sweetheart. 232 00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,427 Oh, all my friends are here. 233 00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:55,196 - Madam president, hello. - Merry Christmas. 234 00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:57,615 - Thank you so much for having us. - Hello, congressman jaeger. 235 00:09:57,639 --> 00:09:59,850 - And this must be Mrs. Jaeger? - That's not his wife. 236 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,769 - Okay. - This is one of my staffers, Nadia. 237 00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,771 - She's a prostitute. - Mmm. 238 00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:07,608 Well, would you like a picture for your friends and for your family? 239 00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:09,401 - Yes... - We've got a... 240 00:10:09,485 --> 00:10:11,403 There we go. No. 241 00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:13,965 - (Camera beeping, clicking) - And I want to wish you a merry Christmas. 242 00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:16,634 - And I can count on your support, can't I? - 100%. Merry Christmas. 243 00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:18,303 - Wonderful, thank you. - And a happy new year. Let's go. 244 00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:20,788 This is congressman baines from Arizona. He's solidly o'brien. 245 00:10:20,871 --> 00:10:24,333 Oh, let's get a picture. There we go. 246 00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:27,044 And you're out of here. You can go. 247 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,379 Catherine's 23 years old. She's fair game. 248 00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:31,673 Maybe you ride the pine on this one for a period or two. 249 00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:34,843 - Please? - All right, I'll talk to everyone. 250 00:10:34,927 --> 00:10:36,970 - I owe you. - I mean, I'd hate to be offsides. 251 00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:39,389 - What? - You know, hockey. 252 00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:42,434 Hockey. Great sport. Thank you. 253 00:10:42,518 --> 00:10:44,853 Mike, are you dating a hockey player by any chance? 254 00:10:44,937 --> 00:10:48,023 You noticed the hockey references? Shit, I thought they were seamless. 255 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:51,360 Listen, you can't say a word, but our surrogate is pregnant. 256 00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:55,989 And I've been talking to somebody in the NHL about a job as director of communications. 257 00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:59,493 So win or lose, I'm out of here. 258 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,787 Well, let me get my goodbyes out of the way now. 259 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:05,016 Congressman, the president would love to have a clutch with you in the green room. 260 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:06,875 - If you don't mind. Great. - Of course. 261 00:11:06,959 --> 00:11:08,710 -Hey. 262 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,254 Carson city, Nevada. 263 00:11:10,546 --> 00:11:13,715 Ah, buddy Calhoun in a tie that's not made out of string. 264 00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:17,237 You're the only woman who's ever threatened to grate my balls over a bowl of spaghetti. 265 00:11:17,261 --> 00:11:20,681 - Yeah. Night's still young. Knock yourself out. - Well, yeah. 266 00:11:20,973 --> 00:11:25,477 Madam president, we are looking to build a 9/11 memorial in Bozeman. 267 00:11:25,561 --> 00:11:27,980 That sounds superb. 268 00:11:28,063 --> 00:11:30,065 Wonderful, because, you know, never forget. 269 00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:31,459 - That's right. - Always remember. 270 00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:35,362 But can you remind me exactly what happened in Bozeman on 9/11? 271 00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:38,574 This is mainly focused on our first responders. 272 00:11:38,657 --> 00:11:39,700 That's so important. 273 00:11:39,783 --> 00:11:42,619 Our first responders were terribly traumatized 274 00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:45,414 by what happened to the first responders in New York. 275 00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:47,833 Yeah, I get that. That's... 276 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,752 That's wow... yeah, Ben. 277 00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:53,755 You know, I am sure there is a little something we could find somewhere 278 00:11:53,839 --> 00:11:56,466 - for such a great project, sir. - Selina: Mmm-hmm. 279 00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:57,652 - It's very... - Roger, what do you think? 280 00:11:57,676 --> 00:12:00,971 Oh, I'm sure we can just slip it under the skirt of the homeland security budget. 281 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,389 Tell him why, will. 282 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:06,435 The budget has a fatter, more womanly behind than myself. 283 00:12:06,518 --> 00:12:09,021 Excuse me. Aren't you Gary Walsh? 284 00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:11,082 - What did I do? - You've got to come meet my daughter. 285 00:12:11,106 --> 00:12:12,566 She saw you in the hill. 286 00:12:13,025 --> 00:12:15,694 - Oh. - She's single, divorced, has a kid. 287 00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:18,363 - But he's really a sweetheart. - Oh, how nice. (Chuckles) 288 00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:20,532 God, I feel like somebody's playing a trick on him. 289 00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:23,410 They're about to dump a bucket of pig's blood on his head. 290 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,120 - (Music playing) - (Chatter) 291 00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:27,080 - You having a good time, Amy? - Eh? 292 00:12:27,164 --> 00:12:30,059 Can't believe how many compliments I'm getting about the hot list. (Chuckles) 293 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,312 Don't people around here have anything better to talk about 294 00:12:32,336 --> 00:12:33,378 than the stupid hot list? 295 00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:35,672 - Amy, do you want some advice? - Definitely not. 296 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:38,800 Listen, don't worry so much about what's up here, okay? 297 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:40,344 Worry about what's in here. 298 00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:41,637 And if you work at that, 299 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,573 I'm telling you, you're gonna be back on the hot list, Amy. 300 00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:48,560 I'm not saying you're gonna be in the top 20, but you would be a lock for, like, mid-40s. 301 00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:49,728 - Thank you. - Yeah. 302 00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:54,358 Look at him, he's smiling like his shit's all pine-fresh smelling. 303 00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:55,901 Oh, okay. 304 00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:57,444 - What are you doing? - What? 305 00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:58,838 You're looking at yourself in the mirror? 306 00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:00,656 - You look wonderful. - Yeah. 307 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,450 Woman: Madam president. 308 00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:05,293 Ma'am, this is Connie dibenedetto of Oregon. 309 00:13:05,369 --> 00:13:07,329 She's the chairman of the gay and lesbian caucus. 310 00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:10,624 Actually, she's the only member of the gay and lesbian caucus. 311 00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:13,335 I'd like to take just a moment of your time 312 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,837 to talk to you about your environmental policy. 313 00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:17,422 Oh, yes. Uh-huh. 314 00:13:17,506 --> 00:13:19,359 - I know it's politically risky... - Come this way. 315 00:13:19,383 --> 00:13:22,344 But, you know, a carbon tax is the only way to go. 316 00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:24,267 - Yeah, you've met my daughter Catherine? - No. 317 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,306 And this is her special friend Marjorie. 318 00:13:26,390 --> 00:13:27,867 And I want to get a picture of all of us. 319 00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:29,810 No, mom, we don't want to take any photos. 320 00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:31,812 Sure, we do. We're dying to do that. 321 00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:33,647 80, um, here we go, right here. 322 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,357 - Let's all say, "girl power." - (Laughs) 323 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:36,650 - Girl power. - Girl power. 324 00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:39,003 Listen, I wish I was hip enough to hang here with you all, 325 00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:40,880 - but I've got to go deal with... - You're a busy girl. 326 00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:42,781 - Tell Liz I love her. - Oh, I will. 327 00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:44,908 - Okay. Okay. Bye-bye. - She'll love that. Bye. 328 00:13:45,117 --> 00:13:47,077 (Singing dre/del song) 329 00:13:48,203 --> 00:13:50,455 - The Brandeis chigh-notes. - Hmm. 330 00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:52,475 Tonight we've got the bowling alley appearance, 331 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,668 and we can't have anymore gaffes. 332 00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:56,420 I got it! I got it! 333 00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,380 The widow saw me filming her, and she got mad. 334 00:13:58,547 --> 00:14:00,257 She called me some truly awful things. 335 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:03,593 - Oh, thank you, Satan. - I think this is a game changer. 336 00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:05,220 (Applause) 337 00:14:06,096 --> 00:14:07,931 Judy: Thank you all so much for coming... 338 00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:12,853 Richard: Oh, my god, I got it. I think I got it! 339 00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,580 You know, I think I see what happened there. 340 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,732 Richard, you good boy. (Laughs) 341 00:14:16,815 --> 00:14:20,694 Iwent to turn it on, but it was already on, so I turned it off. 342 00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:23,697 Then iwent to turn it off, but it already was off, so I turned it on. 343 00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:26,742 (Sighs) I had such plans for you, Richard. 344 00:14:27,451 --> 00:14:32,289 Congressman Baxter, I completely believe you about the whole men's room incident. 345 00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,207 It sounded very plausible to me. 346 00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:36,918 So, I want to also wish you a merry Christmas. Thank you so much. 347 00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:39,212 This is Paul graves, purple state. 348 00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:41,590 - He could go either way. - Like Baxter. 349 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:44,593 I didn't know Jim Owens was working for graves. 350 00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:48,263 Yeah. Man, that was your one work friend. 351 00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:51,558 Yeah, he wouldn't return my calls after potus fired him. 352 00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:53,521 Come on. It's been a long time. Go talk to him. 353 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,020 - I can't. I can't. - Mike. 354 00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,230 Madam president, everyone knows I'm no fan of o'brien, 355 00:14:57,314 --> 00:15:00,567 but if I'm gonna cross party lines in order to hand you the presidency, 356 00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:01,985 I'm gonna need something big. 357 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:03,653 Okay, how big? 358 00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:07,949 Why don't we go with secretary of state? 359 00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:11,453 Well, at least we know you don't need big balls. 360 00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:13,413 - Got large stones for sure. - Right? 361 00:15:13,789 --> 00:15:15,624 I think, um, 362 00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:18,251 it's something we might be able to accommodate. 363 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:20,962 - Excellent. Then, madam president... - Yes? 364 00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:23,590 - You have my support. - That's what I wanted to hear. 365 00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:26,093 Thank you so much, congressman. 366 00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:29,096 Hey, enjoy the party, okay? Have fun. 367 00:15:29,513 --> 00:15:31,807 Ooh, we got graves! 368 00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:33,975 - That was fantastic. - I know it. 369 00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:36,561 Oh, what about Doyle? You promised him state. 370 00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:37,955 He knows I don't keep my promises. 371 00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:39,219 - He should know by now. - Yeah. 372 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,359 (Gasps) I love your district. 373 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,194 And I love your district. 374 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,946 I love them both. (Laughs) 375 00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:47,840 - Furlong: Hey, where have you been? - What? 376 00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:49,504 Turns out nickerson is back on the fence. 377 00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:50,867 She said she never fully agreed 378 00:15:50,951 --> 00:15:52,512 - to endorse you or support you. - No, she did... 379 00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:55,807 And I said, "maybe you'd remember better if I fuck your brain through your earhole." 380 00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:56,933 And then what did she say, will? 381 00:15:56,957 --> 00:15:58,059 She's pretty furious about it, sir. 382 00:15:58,083 --> 00:16:00,127 - Ben, you got to... - I'm on it. 383 00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:03,338 Why is Tom over there chatting it up with jaeger? 384 00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:05,215 - I don't know. I'll handle it. - No, no. 385 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:08,135 I don't need your subtle charm on this. 386 00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,554 Bill. 387 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:14,057 Hi. Just wanted to reconfirm that I can still count on your vote. 388 00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:17,894 Actually, madam president, I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching, 389 00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,664 and, um, I'm afraid I need to listen to my conscience. 390 00:16:19,688 --> 00:16:22,357 Conscience? What the fuck are you talking about? 391 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:25,068 After much prayerful consideration, I have decided to abstain 392 00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:27,737 from the upcoming congressional tie-breaking vote in congress. 393 00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:29,614 - Abstain? - Yes, ma'am. 394 00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,826 But then no one wins, you dumb-ass. 395 00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:34,804 I was warned that you would say some hurtful things. 396 00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:37,706 Okay, hold on. Let me see if I can just explain this to you 397 00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:39,916 in terms that you might understand, okay? 398 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,253 Let's say that your chief of staff... 399 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:44,963 - Nadia, is it? - That's... 400 00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:46,798 Okay, and she's down on her knees 401 00:16:46,882 --> 00:16:50,427 and she's got your balls in her hand, 402 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,513 and she's working your shaft just the way you like it. 403 00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:57,017 And moments before you're about to come, 404 00:16:57,100 --> 00:17:00,562 all over her stupid slavic face, 405 00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,355 she says, "nyet. 406 00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:04,941 "After much prayerful consideration, 407 00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:09,404 "I have to abstain from the upcoming blowjob." 408 00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:11,406 Are you Nadia in this situation? 409 00:17:11,489 --> 00:17:13,783 Just get out of my sight. 410 00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:15,619 Oh, god. Fuck. 411 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:18,455 - Okay. - Let me guess, jaeger's abstaining. 412 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,165 - Yeah. - Nickerson, too. 413 00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:22,500 Yeah. Tom's not lobbying votes for o'brien. 414 00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:24,169 He's asking people to abstain. 415 00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,420 What the fuck is happening? 416 00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:28,590 If no one gets a majority in the house, the vote goes to the senate. 417 00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:29,859 I explained this on election night. 418 00:17:29,883 --> 00:17:32,093 - I wasn't listening. - Yeah, but obviously Tom was. 419 00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:35,222 Tom James is an acknowledged master of the senate's rules and procedures. 420 00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:38,391 So, if it's up to the senate, Tom is our next president. 421 00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:41,394 Well, he must be stopped. 422 00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:43,271 Is it too late to get Doyle back? 423 00:17:43,355 --> 00:17:45,273 - We forgot to invite him tonight. - Okay. 424 00:17:45,357 --> 00:17:47,400 - That's great. - Tom! 425 00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:49,524 - Ma'am. Hello. - Congressman Griffin. Mrs. Griffin. 426 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:50,862 - How are you? - I'm very well. 427 00:17:50,946 --> 00:17:51,988 - Thank you, ma'am. - Good. 428 00:17:52,072 --> 00:17:55,367 I've been watching you all night, and I know what you're up to. 429 00:17:56,952 --> 00:17:59,112 You're trying to get up the courage to ask me to dance. 430 00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:02,165 (Laughs) Guilty. 431 00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:03,500 Ma'am, I would be honored. 432 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,669 Oh, thank you. 433 00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:07,879 - (Applause) - Oh. 434 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:09,756 - Thank you. Hey. - Hey. 435 00:18:09,839 --> 00:18:11,383 - How are you? - He asked. 436 00:18:11,466 --> 00:18:13,802 - Thank you. Thank you. - He asked me. 437 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,055 I think all this meeting and greeting 438 00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:19,075 has really made me work up an appetite. I'm starving. 439 00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:20,910 Yeah, you never get the chance to eat at these things. 440 00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:23,478 Never. You know what I really have a hankering for? 441 00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:25,188 - What's that? - Korean barbecue. 442 00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:28,525 - Do you like Korean barbecue? - It's okay. 443 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:32,320 There's this great place that I heard about. It's in annandale. 444 00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:34,489 What is the name of it? I'm trying to remember. 445 00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:36,366 Oh, right. Right. Um... 446 00:18:38,243 --> 00:18:40,495 (Whispers) The cocksucking backstabber. 447 00:18:41,997 --> 00:18:45,250 Oh, keep dancing, Tom. Don't stop dancing. 448 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:48,670 - Don't look around. Nobody's gonna help you. - Okay. No, no. Right. 449 00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:50,213 Ma'am, let me explain. 450 00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:52,400 What... what... what that... I think you're referring... 451 00:18:52,424 --> 00:18:53,800 You know what? 452 00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:56,177 I think maybe we should go and talk in private. 453 00:18:56,261 --> 00:18:58,138 That's perfect timing, isn't it? Yeah? 454 00:18:58,221 --> 00:18:59,514 - Yes. - (Applause) 455 00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:01,117 - Thank you for your support. - Thank you. 456 00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:02,581 - Thank you all. - Thank you so much. 457 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,811 - 80 nice to see you all. - Come. You can't get away. 458 00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:07,105 - Let's go. Yeah. - Okay. All right. 459 00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,748 - Right, we're gonna do it. - Thank you. 460 00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:11,401 How stupid are you, you motherfucking snake? 461 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,987 I know all about your meeting with mannood and purcell. 462 00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:19,367 I know all about how you're trying to fuck me with that abstinence program of yours. 463 00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:24,497 Underneath this whole honorable, decent, wholesome boy scout crap of yours, 464 00:19:24,581 --> 00:19:27,000 I know exactly who you are! 465 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:28,335 - Oh, you do? - Yes, I do. 466 00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:30,503 Right, so I don't have to explain 467 00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:33,757 that I am not someone who would piss away my presidency 468 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,759 - on a bunch of half-ass decisions. - What? 469 00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:40,013 And, by the way, by messing around with that pretty boy, Charlie baird, 470 00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:41,181 for god's sake. 471 00:19:41,264 --> 00:19:44,517 What? Charlie baird? What does Charlie baird have to do with any of this? 472 00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:46,686 I don't know. He's got nothing to do with it. 473 00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:49,356 - The point is he... - Oh, my god, you're such a liar! 474 00:19:49,439 --> 00:19:50,774 You're such a liar! 475 00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:53,443 Why did you even join my ticket in the first place? 476 00:19:53,568 --> 00:19:56,946 Because I happen to believe in something called public service. 477 00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:59,783 - Oh, bullshit! - Okay, well, then I got no fucking idea. 478 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:01,201 - I'll tell you why. - Go ahead. 479 00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:04,287 Because you wanted to be a step closer to the presidency, 480 00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,206 and to me. 481 00:20:06,289 --> 00:20:09,125 - Oh, my god. - You wanted it so bad, you could taste it. 482 00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:11,294 This is unbelievable. Please. 483 00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:15,048 You are lying nowjust like you lied back then, 484 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:19,135 just like you lied about that night in the cab with the green shoes. 485 00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:21,805 Oh, well, now I got no idea what you're talking about. 486 00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:23,282 Yeah, you know exactly what I'm talking about. 487 00:20:23,306 --> 00:20:25,266 - No. - You remembered the green shoes that night, 488 00:20:25,308 --> 00:20:27,477 but not the fact that you wanted to fuck me? 489 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,312 Come on. Come on! 490 00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,898 No straight man remembers a woman's shoes. 491 00:20:31,981 --> 00:20:34,067 Well, you got me. I'm gay, so... 492 00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:38,321 Just admit it! Just say the truth for once in your life! 493 00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:41,241 Come on, Tom! You wanted to fuck me that night. 494 00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:42,742 - Just say it. - Will you stop it? 495 00:20:42,826 --> 00:20:45,328 Just say it! You wanted to fuck my brains out! 496 00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,247 All right, I wanted to fuck your brains out! 497 00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:49,833 There you go! And now you're trying to fuck me tonight! 498 00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:53,294 - No, I am fucking you tonight! - No, I'm gonna fuck you! 499 00:21:00,677 --> 00:21:03,930 I mean, it! Never see the white house again, it'll be too soon. 500 00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:05,324 It's funny, you know. I love my job. 501 00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,588 I've been working for congressman furlong since I was 15. 502 00:21:08,810 --> 00:21:10,353 Mike, where's the president? 503 00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:12,188 - And where's Tom? - I don't know. 504 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:13,523 What, are you drunk? 505 00:21:13,815 --> 00:21:16,109 Maybe, Mr. Hipflask. 506 00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:19,946 Listen, I'm a high-functioning alcoholic, and you're a sloppy weekend drunk. 507 00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:21,030 Now get with it! 508 00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:23,616 Ma'am? 509 00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,201 (Moaning) 510 00:21:35,378 --> 00:21:36,546 (Shaky breathing) 511 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:40,049 (Whimpering) 512 00:21:42,886 --> 00:21:43,887 (Clears throat) 513 00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:48,451 Jonah: Hi, Jonah Ryan. Thanks for coming out tonight. 514 00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:49,827 Let me know if you have any questions. 515 00:21:49,851 --> 00:21:52,830 Hi, I'm Jonah Ryan. Running for congress. I hope I can count on your support. 516 00:21:52,854 --> 00:21:55,648 This is my boss, Polly. She's gonna be showing me the ropes today. 517 00:21:55,732 --> 00:21:57,317 Oh, Polly, look at this. 518 00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,003 Big shoes. You know what that means, right? 519 00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:01,488 - Uh, big feet? - Can't argue with that. 520 00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:02,798 Maybe you should run for congress. 521 00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:04,574 - Your name is Jonah, right? - Yeah. 522 00:22:04,699 --> 00:22:07,327 So, why does your shirt say "Jon h Ryan"? 523 00:22:08,870 --> 00:22:09,913 Fuck. 524 00:22:09,996 --> 00:22:12,415 This is good. This is working. 525 00:22:12,499 --> 00:22:14,417 A bowling alley is always a good choice. 526 00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:16,669 I mean, a skating rink's good for a male candidate, 527 00:22:16,753 --> 00:22:19,255 but it's cold, and gals tend to nip out. 528 00:22:19,380 --> 00:22:20,423 Hi, I'm... 529 00:22:21,257 --> 00:22:24,677 Hey, Jonah. Could I get a child size 12, please? 530 00:22:26,888 --> 00:22:27,990 What are you doing here, Teddy? 531 00:22:28,014 --> 00:22:29,933 I'm looking foward to some bowling. 532 00:22:30,016 --> 00:22:32,519 Although, pocket pool is more my game. 533 00:22:32,602 --> 00:22:34,437 You listen to me, you fucking weirdo. 534 00:22:34,521 --> 00:22:38,191 I was a victim, but I am not gonna let you define me. 535 00:22:38,441 --> 00:22:40,026 Nice blog, Mary. 536 00:22:40,109 --> 00:22:41,861 You know what? People like you, 537 00:22:42,278 --> 00:22:44,906 you look like us, but there's a little piece missing. 538 00:22:45,365 --> 00:22:46,950 You're like a different species, 539 00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:49,452 and one that I hope gets struck from the earth 540 00:22:49,536 --> 00:22:53,289 because you're a bully, and Jonah Ryan stands up to bullies. 541 00:22:53,414 --> 00:22:55,875 - (Applause) - Yes. Yes, he does. 542 00:22:55,959 --> 00:22:59,462 Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, this is a no-haters alley. 543 00:23:00,088 --> 00:23:02,131 Okay, you and boo boo the ball-fondling bear here 544 00:23:02,215 --> 00:23:03,943 have exactly two seconds to get the fuck out. 545 00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:05,802 Our work is done here. Tell selina hello. 546 00:23:05,969 --> 00:23:07,363 Yeah, great place for an event, Dan. 547 00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:09,787 The teenager selling cocaine in the bathroom thought so, too. 548 00:23:09,973 --> 00:23:11,975 - Hey. - Oh, looking good, 26. 549 00:23:15,311 --> 00:23:16,396 Hello. 550 00:23:16,479 --> 00:23:17,564 Ma'am, have you seen Tom? 551 00:23:17,647 --> 00:23:18,648 - Couple of times. - Good. 552 00:23:18,773 --> 00:23:21,484 I need nickerson, I need jaeger, 'cause we're gonna finish this. 553 00:23:21,568 --> 00:23:23,111 - Okay, walk this way. - Yeah. 554 00:23:27,323 --> 00:23:28,467 - Selina: Gotcha! - (Nickerson gasps) 555 00:23:28,491 --> 00:23:29,492 - (Laughs) Hi. - Hi. 556 00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:32,328 Can I have a few minutes of your time in the green room? 557 00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:34,163 The green room? That sounds historic. 558 00:23:34,289 --> 00:23:38,585 Oh, it is. It's where woodrow Wilson had some of his most significant strokes. 559 00:23:38,668 --> 00:23:39,669 - Really? - Yeah. 560 00:23:39,794 --> 00:23:42,672 - Hey, buddy. Hey. Been a while. - Mike. 561 00:23:42,755 --> 00:23:45,174 Look, about how things went down at the end, I am so sorry. 562 00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:47,677 I should thank you 'cause it was a wake-up call 563 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,138 for me to get out of the insanity of DC. Politics. 564 00:23:50,597 --> 00:23:53,600 - Amen to that, brother. This place sucks. - Listen, you can't... 565 00:23:53,683 --> 00:23:56,853 Listen, I have lined up a sweet private sector gig. 566 00:23:57,478 --> 00:23:59,689 On the qt, I got something in the works, too. 567 00:23:59,772 --> 00:24:03,443 I am the new director of communications for the NHL. 568 00:24:03,985 --> 00:24:05,695 You got the hockeyjob. Perfect. 569 00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:06,863 Where are you headed? 570 00:24:06,946 --> 00:24:11,284 I'm going to cl international time. 571 00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:13,036 - That sounds great. - Big. 572 00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:16,539 Listen, any time you want caps tickets, you hit me up, buddy, all right? 573 00:24:16,623 --> 00:24:18,183 And if you ever need anything international... 574 00:24:18,207 --> 00:24:19,542 - And congratulations. - You, too. 575 00:24:19,626 --> 00:24:21,461 - Mazel. Yeah. - Good luck. 576 00:24:22,712 --> 00:24:23,796 Fuck. 577 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:28,051 If you think that you are getting those worthless toy boats now, 578 00:24:28,217 --> 00:24:29,886 I'm gonna shut down those factories 579 00:24:29,969 --> 00:24:32,472 faster than you can bedazzle a fucking sweatshirt. 580 00:24:32,555 --> 00:24:35,642 - Let's cut the shit, selina. - Oh, here it is. 581 00:24:35,725 --> 00:24:39,979 All roads through Colorado go through me and the toll just went up. 582 00:24:40,063 --> 00:24:42,148 You're playing a very dangerous game of chicken 583 00:24:42,231 --> 00:24:43,650 with the head fucking hen. 584 00:24:43,733 --> 00:24:48,738 'Cause if I don't win the white house, o'brien is gonna sink your stupid boats 585 00:24:48,821 --> 00:24:50,907 and you're gonna look like a hair-sprayed asshole 586 00:24:50,990 --> 00:24:53,076 in your 1980s mother-of-the-bride dress. 587 00:24:53,159 --> 00:24:57,830 And if I do win, I will have my administration come to your shitty little district 588 00:24:57,914 --> 00:25:01,167 and shake it to death like a Guatemalan nanny. 589 00:25:01,250 --> 00:25:07,256 And then I'm gonna have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, 590 00:25:07,382 --> 00:25:11,344 he's gonna wish the only thing they find is more cancer. 591 00:25:11,427 --> 00:25:12,595 Good god. 592 00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:15,765 So can I count on your vote? 593 00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:18,184 Or do I need to shove a box of white house M&M's 594 00:25:18,267 --> 00:25:20,853 up your stretched-out, six-baby vag? 595 00:25:21,104 --> 00:25:22,855 - (Gary groans) - (Gulps) 596 00:25:23,064 --> 00:25:24,500 (Softly) Yes, you can count on my vote. 597 00:25:24,524 --> 00:25:29,696 I think I want to hear an, "okeydokey, Annie oakley." 598 00:25:29,779 --> 00:25:32,031 Okeydokey, Annie oakley. 599 00:25:32,115 --> 00:25:33,866 Oh, super-duper, trooper. 600 00:25:33,950 --> 00:25:36,244 Now get the fuck out of here, congresswoman. 601 00:25:37,078 --> 00:25:38,955 Merry Christmas, Amy. 602 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:42,291 Oh, candi caruso is who you are. 603 00:25:42,417 --> 00:25:46,129 I'm surprised to see you here after what happened in Nevada. 604 00:25:46,254 --> 00:25:49,882 "Nevada." I told potus that there are other qualified people out there 605 00:25:49,966 --> 00:25:53,302 for special advisor, but she insisted she couldn't think of any, so... 606 00:25:53,594 --> 00:25:55,638 - Oh. Guess what? - Hmm? 607 00:25:55,763 --> 00:25:57,306 I am engaged. Mmm-hmm. 608 00:25:57,432 --> 00:25:58,641 - Yeah. - (Gasps) Wow. 609 00:25:58,766 --> 00:26:00,643 Who's... who... to whom? 610 00:26:00,768 --> 00:26:03,438 Gary Welsh. You know, Gary Welsh. 611 00:26:03,521 --> 00:26:05,481 - Gary Welsh? Oh. - Gary Welsh at state. 612 00:26:05,606 --> 00:26:08,359 He was supposed to be on this "50 hottest" thing that I'm in, 613 00:26:08,484 --> 00:26:10,903 but they got his name wrong. They spelled it incorrectly. 614 00:26:10,987 --> 00:26:13,531 Turns out there's an actual guy by that name. 615 00:26:13,656 --> 00:26:14,949 They put him in instead. 616 00:26:15,032 --> 00:26:17,118 - That's just a bad thing. - Terrible. Terrible. 617 00:26:17,201 --> 00:26:20,121 I'm sorry to hear that, but happy for you. 618 00:26:20,204 --> 00:26:22,039 - All that. - Oh! Thank you. 619 00:26:22,165 --> 00:26:23,708 Yeah, okay. Uh-oh. 620 00:26:23,833 --> 00:26:25,433 President of the United States needs me. 621 00:26:25,501 --> 00:26:26,961 - So... - Mmm, yeah. 622 00:26:28,129 --> 00:26:29,464 Take care. 623 00:26:29,714 --> 00:26:30,840 (Clears throat) 624 00:26:31,299 --> 00:26:35,011 Hey, opie, grab your coonskin cap and let's get out of here. 625 00:26:35,136 --> 00:26:36,179 Oh, okay. 626 00:26:36,304 --> 00:26:38,389 - It wasn't you. - What? 627 00:26:38,514 --> 00:26:42,351 You're not hot. Gary Welsh at state is. You're a typo. 628 00:26:42,477 --> 00:26:45,188 But like you said, it's not up here, it's what's in here. 629 00:26:47,857 --> 00:26:51,194 - And won't you give my regards to your wife? - Yes, ma'am. 630 00:26:51,319 --> 00:26:53,719 She's the head of the red cross in racine, did you know that? 631 00:26:53,821 --> 00:26:55,966 - She's a Saint. - You can count on my vote, madam president. 632 00:26:55,990 --> 00:26:57,718 - That is a promise. - Oh, yes, it is a promise. 633 00:26:57,742 --> 00:26:59,410 Yes. Go. Turn, go. 634 00:26:59,535 --> 00:27:03,706 Well, uh, I guess this party is officially now over. 635 00:27:03,831 --> 00:27:05,124 So how did we do? 636 00:27:05,208 --> 00:27:08,753 We're about the same place we were at the beginning of the ball plus graves. 637 00:27:08,878 --> 00:27:11,899 We could have secured platt, but he never got the picture with his wife's purse. 638 00:27:11,923 --> 00:27:13,859 Oh, I just hope things are going good in New Hampshire. 639 00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:16,153 Reporter: Good evening. We begin with some shocking footage 640 00:27:16,177 --> 00:27:20,473 of congressional candidate Jonah Ryan, all captured on amateur video. 641 00:27:20,556 --> 00:27:24,727 We do have to warn you, though, Ryan's language is extremely graphic. 642 00:27:24,852 --> 00:27:28,898 People like you, you look like us, but there's a little piece missing. 643 00:27:29,899 --> 00:27:34,028 You're a different species, one that I hope gets struck from the earth. 644 00:27:34,111 --> 00:27:35,738 Fuck me, amadeus. 645 00:27:35,863 --> 00:27:37,907 Can't even see the guy that Jonah's yelling at. 646 00:27:38,032 --> 00:27:40,952 God, Polly's not gonna think that I was yelling at her, will she? 647 00:27:41,077 --> 00:27:43,597 - Why don't we call her publicist and find out? - Wait a second. 648 00:27:43,704 --> 00:27:45,516 Richard, tell me you have that from the other angle. 649 00:27:45,540 --> 00:27:47,625 Definitely. 650 00:27:47,750 --> 00:27:51,254 Hey, Jonah. I'll get a child size 12, please. 651 00:27:51,379 --> 00:27:53,214 What are you doing here? 652 00:27:53,297 --> 00:27:55,299 Thank you. Thank you. 653 00:27:55,424 --> 00:27:56,693 I don't know what happened there. 654 00:27:56,717 --> 00:27:59,196 - You did the same fucking thing! - Literally the exact same thing! 655 00:27:59,220 --> 00:28:01,573 Oh, yeah, you know what? You're right, I did the exact same thing. 656 00:28:01,597 --> 00:28:03,641 After the national elections, 657 00:28:03,766 --> 00:28:06,477 the president may have found herself with a bad lie in the rough, 658 00:28:06,602 --> 00:28:08,437 but after stabilizing the economy, 659 00:28:08,563 --> 00:28:11,816 the house vote is starting to look like a gimme putt. 660 00:28:11,941 --> 00:28:16,112 And Mark my words, the president will end up atop the leaderboard 661 00:28:16,237 --> 00:28:19,240 just like lnbee park or Lydia ko, 662 00:28:19,323 --> 00:28:23,911 or any of the other great female golfers in the lpga tour. 663 00:28:24,328 --> 00:28:29,083 I would like to get back to questions about the first daughter's lesbianism. 664 00:28:29,166 --> 00:28:30,251 (Reporters clamoring)