1 00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:08,259 (Theme music playing) 2 00:00:21,606 --> 00:00:22,940 It's time. 3 00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:24,775 (Gobbling) 4 00:00:26,652 --> 00:00:31,157 Thanksgiving has always meant sharing the bounty of our rich land, 5 00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:34,035 especially Turkey. 6 00:00:34,327 --> 00:00:37,538 But the one thing we will not be sharing this holiday 7 00:00:37,622 --> 00:00:39,790 is drumstick or cranberry. 8 00:00:40,124 --> 00:00:44,128 Catherine actually personally chose those names, didn't you, honey? 9 00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:46,589 - Um, yes, I did. - Yes, she did. 10 00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:50,152 I was hoping to get a few more details about these turkeys that I can maybe give the press. 11 00:00:50,176 --> 00:00:52,637 Like, are they gonna hit the minibar tonight at their hotel? 12 00:00:52,762 --> 00:00:54,847 Well, we booked the hotel for a few nights, 13 00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:57,183 but I'm taking these guys straight to a petting zoo 14 00:00:57,308 --> 00:00:59,101 in Virginia after the ceremony. 15 00:00:59,185 --> 00:01:01,455 Oh, they can while away the rest of their peaceful years there. 16 00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:03,919 Well, they were bred to be eaten, so they'll probably collapse 17 00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:06,776 from their own weight and die in a year or two, tops. 18 00:01:07,318 --> 00:01:10,363 Is there a more fun way to say that? 19 00:01:10,488 --> 00:01:13,157 With the power vested in me, 20 00:01:13,282 --> 00:01:17,370 I hereby declare drumstick and cranberry 21 00:01:17,495 --> 00:01:21,707 pardoned from the Thanksgiving dinner table 22 00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,376 and also for tax evasion. 23 00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:25,002 (Crowd laughs) 24 00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:27,630 - There we go. Oh! Oh! - (Gobbling) 25 00:01:28,172 --> 00:01:30,007 Ooh. I think they're trying to fly away. 26 00:01:30,216 --> 00:01:32,176 Ooh, these birds are filthy. 27 00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:35,596 - Dan. - Hey, why have I been greened? 28 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,824 - Will you tell our friend over here... - Take it easy. 29 00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,368 It's just a screw-up with the security office. 30 00:01:39,392 --> 00:01:41,560 Someone's got a case of the blue badge blue balls. 31 00:01:41,686 --> 00:01:43,604 I'm gonna assign you to Tom James' office. 32 00:01:43,688 --> 00:01:46,565 They're shorthanded since we're duking it out with congress. 33 00:01:47,066 --> 00:01:48,377 I'll escort him in. He's harmless. 34 00:01:48,401 --> 00:01:49,819 Unless you got a sister. 35 00:01:49,902 --> 00:01:52,196 You looking foward to Thanksgiving, Marjorie? 36 00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:54,571 - Oh, yes, ma'am. - Where do you spend the holiday? 37 00:01:54,657 --> 00:01:56,659 - In Maryland, ma'am. - Oh, that's where I'm from. 38 00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:57,868 I know, ma'am. 39 00:01:58,411 --> 00:02:02,957 Okay, so tell congressman price I just pardoned his stanky-ass turkeys, 40 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,918 so I'm gonna expect him to wrap up that Missouri delegation 41 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:07,145 when the house votes, right? 42 00:02:07,169 --> 00:02:08,296 Well played, ma'am. 43 00:02:08,379 --> 00:02:10,699 Missouri's the largest Turkey-producing state in the union. 44 00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:13,092 Second only to Minnesota followed by north Carolina. 45 00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:14,218 - Ma'am. - And Arkansas. 46 00:02:14,343 --> 00:02:16,345 Maybe I can pardon a car with a defective airbag... 47 00:02:16,429 --> 00:02:17,906 (Snaps fingers) And we can wrap up Michigan. 48 00:02:17,930 --> 00:02:20,433 Michigan is actually the largest producer of battery acid. 49 00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:23,078 Can somebody reach around the back of Kent's head and power him down? 50 00:02:23,102 --> 00:02:24,342 Oh, ma'am, latest from treasury 51 00:02:24,395 --> 00:02:26,981 is housing starts are down and unemployment's up. 52 00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:28,441 Any chance we can switch those? 53 00:02:28,566 --> 00:02:30,568 I'll turn the graphs upside down. 54 00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:33,529 Oh, listen, I'm not gonna need you this weekend or tomorrow, 55 00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:35,823 - so you can take that off, okay? - Oh, fantastic. 56 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:38,909 My husband and I are having his whole family over for Turkey. 57 00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:41,037 Husband? You're married? 58 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:42,830 Yes. Last year. 59 00:02:42,913 --> 00:02:45,499 250 people, no one from work. 60 00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:47,418 Catherine: Mom, can I have a sec? 61 00:02:47,918 --> 00:02:50,296 - Privately? - Sure, honey. 62 00:02:50,421 --> 00:02:51,422 What is it? 63 00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:53,299 Okay. 64 00:02:53,591 --> 00:02:55,676 Well, I was just gonna go meet dad and Monica. 65 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:57,720 I was just wondering what time you'll be arriving. 66 00:02:58,554 --> 00:03:00,848 Oh, honey, I can't. 67 00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:03,142 But it's the first Thanksgiving since mee-maw's gone. 68 00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:05,061 There's a lot to be thankful for. 69 00:03:05,144 --> 00:03:06,904 But we're doing a whole dinner at her house. 70 00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:09,607 I mean, it... or, well, my house. 71 00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:11,984 God, it still sounds so weird saying that. 72 00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:14,070 Yeah, it really does. 73 00:03:14,153 --> 00:03:15,738 But I have to be here, sweetie pie, 74 00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:18,199 'cause I've got to call all of these congress people. 75 00:03:18,282 --> 00:03:21,160 Whip the vote. You understand that. Mommy's got to whip. 76 00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:23,037 - Whip it good. What is that? - Devo. 77 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,140 Well, can't you make those phone calls from anywhere? 78 00:03:25,164 --> 00:03:27,208 - Nope, it's got to be Washington. - Right. 79 00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:29,931 It makes a big difference to know that she's calling from the oval. 80 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,438 But doesn't it just come up as unlisted 81 00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:34,632 - or 202 or something? - They're ready in the Roosevelt room. 82 00:03:34,799 --> 00:03:37,551 Uh, mom, so this is the famous white house mess. 83 00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:39,762 - Very nice, joni. - Yeah, isn't it? 84 00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:43,099 So this was renovated in 1951 by, um... 85 00:03:43,808 --> 00:03:45,976 Hey, I'll be right back. 86 00:03:46,102 --> 00:03:47,269 Okay, just one second. 87 00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:50,064 Is that the mandarin chicken salad? 88 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:52,441 Looks delicious. Hey, can I see your badge? 89 00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:54,485 My rusty sheriff's badge? 90 00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:58,298 Oh, I'm sure that showing your anus gets you into all your regular social clubs, 91 00:03:58,322 --> 00:04:00,449 but this is the white house mess and to be in here, 92 00:04:00,533 --> 00:04:02,576 you got to have one of these blue bad boys. 93 00:04:02,660 --> 00:04:03,953 Why are you doing this, Jonah? 94 00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:06,080 You see the picture of grover Cleveland? 95 00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:07,456 Is that a tear in his eye 96 00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:09,750 because he knows the rules aren't being respected? 97 00:04:09,834 --> 00:04:11,085 Oh, Jesus. Fuck you. 98 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:12,808 Excuse me, sir. We have an intruder here. 99 00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:14,171 No, we don't. 100 00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:16,966 You know, Jonah, I hope you die a horrible death 101 00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:19,969 choking on a red, glistening dog dick. 102 00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:23,431 - Have a lovely Thanksgiving, Mrs. Ryan. - Oh, you, too. 103 00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:25,641 - Well, I'm ready if you are. - For what? 104 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:29,186 I invited Richard to come back with us for Thanksgiving tomorrow. 105 00:04:29,311 --> 00:04:33,065 Mom, you don't invite my friends to Thanksgiving dinner. 106 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:35,901 I invite my friends to Thanksgiving dinner. 107 00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:39,187 Richard, would you like to come to Thanksgiving dinner? 108 00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:41,740 Man: (On TV) Thanksgiving 109 00:04:41,866 --> 00:04:43,343 - wouldn't be complete without our... - (Door knock) 110 00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:44,827 Good morning. Happy Thanksgiving. 111 00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,412 - Are they ready for me? - Yeah. 112 00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:48,706 It's this election, it's just been brutal on me. 113 00:04:48,831 --> 00:04:52,293 My eyelids are seriously starting to look like Keith Richards' ball sack. 114 00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:55,296 - Oh, please. He wishes. - Ma'am, Mike just announced to the press 115 00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:57,232 that we're closing up shop for the Thanksgiving holiday 116 00:04:57,256 --> 00:05:00,576 and we're monitoring a North Korean military exercise right now and that's about it. 117 00:05:00,676 --> 00:05:04,221 God, all that exercising and glorious leader still can't seem to take off a pound, right? 118 00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:05,699 That haircut's not doing him any favors. 119 00:05:05,723 --> 00:05:08,684 The South Korean pm is asking for a few minutes to discuss. 120 00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,686 And the CDC is reporting a few more cases 121 00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:13,355 of salmonella poisoning linked to contaminated poultry. 122 00:05:13,439 --> 00:05:16,358 Tell the South Korean pm I'll give her a call later this afternoon. 123 00:05:16,442 --> 00:05:18,652 - Right. - After, you know. Wish me luck, though. 124 00:05:18,736 --> 00:05:19,945 - Good luck. - Yeah. 125 00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:23,699 - Madam president. - Dr. Abernathy. 126 00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:25,051 If you could please have a seat. 127 00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,535 - Gary. - Dr. Abernathy. 128 00:05:26,619 --> 00:05:28,662 - You're here. - I'm here to assist the president. 129 00:05:28,746 --> 00:05:30,915 Well, I think that Karen and I can handle this. 130 00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:32,666 I'm so sorry. How are you? 131 00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:35,836 I'm fine, thank you. I'm just a little nervous, I have to confess. 132 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,254 - You're gonna be fine. - Yeah. 133 00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:38,440 You're gonna be fine, ma'am. 134 00:05:38,464 --> 00:05:39,566 In fact, I usually perform things 135 00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:41,401 that are a bit more complicated than a de-bagging. 136 00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,195 - A de-bagging? Is that what you just said? - Yes. 137 00:05:43,219 --> 00:05:44,446 I thought you said tea-bagging. 138 00:05:44,470 --> 00:05:46,096 No, no, no. That's my department. 139 00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:50,017 He means that literally. He doesn't know what the other thing is. 140 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:54,313 Anyway, listen, can you just talk me through this procedure one more time? 141 00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:55,518 - It's quite simple. - Okay. 142 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,918 I actually don't have to make any cuts to the exterior dermis. 143 00:05:57,942 --> 00:06:00,486 It's all approached internally from behind the eyelid. 144 00:06:00,611 --> 00:06:04,573 There's gonna be a little swelling, and of course, a tiny bit of bruising aftennards. 145 00:06:04,657 --> 00:06:06,200 - Bruising? - Yes, Gary, bruising. 146 00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:08,470 That's when a little blood collects underneath the skin. 147 00:06:08,494 --> 00:06:10,621 - Right. - It's not a problem for an actual doctor. 148 00:06:10,746 --> 00:06:12,164 Now, the beauty of this procedure 149 00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:14,267 is that we can do it today and you'll be healed by Monday. 150 00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:15,810 And I'll look 10 years younger. (Chuckles) 151 00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:17,169 That would make you a baby. 152 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,255 - Okay, it's... - Shall we get started? 153 00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:22,258 - Okay. Yeah. - Gary, if you'll please excuse us. 154 00:06:22,341 --> 00:06:24,343 It's very easy for me just to sit right there. 155 00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:25,844 - I've got it. - Easy. 156 00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:31,451 Reporter: Officials are reporting a... Kent: You seeing this? 157 00:06:31,475 --> 00:06:35,104 Salmonella outbreak that has led to 37 hospitalizations in four states. 158 00:06:35,187 --> 00:06:37,523 Potus is still getting permanently photoshopped. 159 00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:40,859 Let's get the head of the CDC out there, calm everyone down. 160 00:06:40,985 --> 00:06:44,280 Let's send Tom James out as well. He's a tall drink of Xanax. 161 00:06:44,363 --> 00:06:47,908 The number of people taken ill is orders of magnitude below statistical significance. 162 00:06:47,992 --> 00:06:50,786 Do people not understand basic nonparametric statistics? 163 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:52,621 Or how to cook a fucking Turkey? 164 00:06:53,831 --> 00:06:55,332 Oh, sir, you're here now. Good. 165 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:58,586 - So Ben told me that apparently... - We're being deployed. 166 00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:00,713 Operation calm the fuck down. 167 00:07:00,838 --> 00:07:02,423 - Yes. - Come on in. 168 00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:04,383 Just the guy I wanted to see. 169 00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:07,094 - (Mobile chimes) - Ooh. Uh-oh. I know that number. 170 00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:08,737 The number of the beast Sidney purcell. 171 00:07:08,846 --> 00:07:10,514 I don't know why he keeps calling me. 172 00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:12,725 His comprehension of the word "no" 173 00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:16,395 hovers somewhere around drunk college quarterback level, so... 174 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,731 But anyway, sir, how can I help you? 175 00:07:18,856 --> 00:07:20,096 Got a little something for you. 176 00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:22,693 Carol in personnel owed me a favor. 177 00:07:24,153 --> 00:07:27,239 Oh, this is gonna wipe that crooked smile off Jonah Ryan's face. 178 00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:29,199 I think that's genetic. 179 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:32,178 You know, egan, I work a little differently than the president. 180 00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:34,747 As far as treating my staff, I try not to act 181 00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:37,583 like an alcoholic father who has just stepped on a lego. 182 00:07:37,708 --> 00:07:39,460 I value openness and straight talk. 183 00:07:39,543 --> 00:07:41,253 You're part of the James team now. 184 00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,213 - Part of my inner circle. - I'm honored. 185 00:07:43,756 --> 00:07:46,216 So raise your right hand and repeat the oath. 186 00:07:47,718 --> 00:07:49,845 I'm fucking with you. Come on, let's go. 187 00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:51,248 (Chuckles) That's very good, sir. 188 00:07:51,764 --> 00:07:53,804 - Mike! Mike! - Mike, is this a salmonella epidemic? 189 00:07:53,891 --> 00:07:55,368 Is the president going to make a statement? 190 00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:57,978 She will be making a full statement soon... 191 00:07:58,062 --> 00:08:01,148 Sooner than you think, but only when she's ready. 192 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:03,817 Right now, though, I'd like to bring up Dr. Robert weinberg 193 00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:06,904 from the centers for disease control. Dr. Weinberg. 194 00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:11,659 - This is not good. - It's fine. 195 00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:13,887 Everybody's watching football. There's only a couple cases. 196 00:08:13,911 --> 00:08:15,788 No, Wendy's pissed. 197 00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:18,957 I left her at home with her folks and my folks plus her kids. 198 00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:21,585 Shit, I don't even know who's at my house. 199 00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:24,838 I don't even know if they're in town. 200 00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:28,425 I hate to admit it, but sometimes I'm scared of Wendy. 201 00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:31,428 She still has a great rack, though. 202 00:08:33,639 --> 00:08:35,849 - What do you think? - Oh, yeah. You did great, ma'am. 203 00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:37,935 - Oh, good. - Excuse me, ma'am. 204 00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:41,313 - Hi, guys. - Gary: Doesn't she look amazing? 205 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:44,459 Jesus, you look like a southern housewife who just burned her husband's dinner. 206 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,944 Ma'am, the salmonella outbreak has mushroomed. 207 00:08:47,069 --> 00:08:48,862 The cases now number over 200. 208 00:08:48,946 --> 00:08:50,948 Oh, my god. Are you kidding? 209 00:08:51,073 --> 00:08:53,534 - Should I make a statement? - No, that's not a good idea. 210 00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:57,413 No one should see you while your face is marinating. 211 00:08:57,663 --> 00:09:00,708 Okay, she just had 10 years taken off her eyes. 212 00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:02,543 - Yes. - Well, I don't think they left yet. 213 00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:05,254 You just stay hidden, okay? Doctor's orders, right? 214 00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:08,549 What are you asking him for? He's not a doctor. 215 00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:12,386 I mean, he doesn't have any academic qualifications to speak of. 216 00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:14,280 Well, I have a bachelor's degree in hotel management 217 00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:16,598 - from Cornell university. - No, you don't. 218 00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:19,059 Maybe we should ask the vice president to make a statement. 219 00:09:19,143 --> 00:09:22,563 No! He's the old face of this administration. 220 00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:25,941 - This is the new face. - It's a beautiful face. 221 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,067 Well, you know... 222 00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:29,236 So may we go ahead and ask Doyle? 223 00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:30,362 All right, fine. 224 00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,322 (So ftly) Ow. Whoa. 225 00:09:32,823 --> 00:09:35,409 - Aw. - It really hurts to roll my eyes. 226 00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:37,661 Okay, yes, ask Doyle. 227 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,621 But don't tell him why. 228 00:09:40,998 --> 00:09:42,166 It's okay. It's okay. 229 00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:44,293 Please don't keep touching me every day. 230 00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:46,962 The first ever Thanksgiving, 231 00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:48,505 there was actually no Turkey at all. 232 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:49,816 - Did you know that? No. No. - Fascinating. 233 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,008 The pilgrims, they ate deer 234 00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:54,261 and harvested vegetables like corn, zucchini. 235 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,264 - They yelled at grandpa, obviously. - (Chuckles) 236 00:09:56,305 --> 00:09:58,974 - Some truths are eternal, but no Turkey. - Of course. 237 00:09:59,057 --> 00:10:00,601 - Thank you, senator. - You're welcome. 238 00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:02,895 Happy Thanksgiving and early hanukkah. 239 00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:05,481 Yes. We will be right back after this short break. 240 00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:07,459 - Man: And we're clear. - I love the hanukkah bit. 241 00:10:07,483 --> 00:10:10,194 Good. I'm jonesing for a cup of coffee. 242 00:10:10,319 --> 00:10:13,739 I mean, "sell my sweet white ass on a street corner" jonesing. 243 00:10:13,864 --> 00:10:15,032 Yeah, tell me about it. 244 00:10:17,993 --> 00:10:19,912 Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah. 245 00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:24,041 Also one cream, splash of half-and-half, one sugar, one splenda. 246 00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:26,043 If that's not too much trouble. 247 00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:28,712 - Not at all. I'm... - Egan to please. 248 00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:31,733 Ben: Mr. Vice president. Doyle: Ben, I would have you to the table, 249 00:10:31,757 --> 00:10:35,385 but my wife, she fucking hates you. As do I. 250 00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:38,138 And we had to throw the Turkey in the trash. 251 00:10:38,222 --> 00:10:39,556 That's why I'm here. 252 00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:42,184 We need you to make a statement about the salmonella outbreak. 253 00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,245 Oh, why doesn't the president make it? 254 00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:46,104 Her mouth is swollen from dental surgery. 255 00:10:46,230 --> 00:10:48,774 - She can't make a statement. - You're fucking kidding me. 256 00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:52,361 Why wasn't I informed? You know there's a system in place for this eventuality? 257 00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:54,696 It falls between the 24th and 26th amendment. 258 00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:57,241 She hasn't been sedated. She's not incapacitated. 259 00:10:57,366 --> 00:10:59,076 So there was no need to invoke the 25th. 260 00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:01,286 Well, if she's not incapacitated, you don't need me. 261 00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:03,080 She's not not incapacitated. 262 00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:06,208 She's just not fully capacitated. 263 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:09,086 (Laughs) You fucking people. 264 00:11:09,211 --> 00:11:12,381 I mean, you treat the constitution like a build-your-own-pizza menu. 265 00:11:12,464 --> 00:11:16,260 Sir, you're calm, you're confident, you exude a crotchety gravitas. 266 00:11:16,385 --> 00:11:19,471 We need to shut this down like a fucking public school for the arts. 267 00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:21,616 Doyle: So I've spoken to the president. 268 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,434 She's up to date with the situation, which we think is under control. 269 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:25,936 - Mr. Vice president. - Yeah, Jeff? 270 00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:27,981 How do you feel about the term "turkeypocalypse"? 271 00:11:28,063 --> 00:11:30,566 I think that's a term invented by the media. 272 00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:33,861 It's idiotic, but it scares people into watching more news, right? 273 00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:36,071 - This is amazing. - Yeah, he's doing okay. 274 00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:39,616 No, I got an email from that surrogate we met with. 275 00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:42,786 She's on board. We're putting a baby in her. (Laughs) 276 00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:45,247 Jesus, Mike. I'm gonna put a baby in you 277 00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,100 - if you don't get your head in the game. - Sorry. 278 00:11:47,124 --> 00:11:48,935 - Where is the president? - James, do me a favor. 279 00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:51,378 Next time you have a root canal, remind me. 280 00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:53,398 I 7! Come and pester you to be back at your desk in an hour. 281 00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:55,275 Oh, Christ, I thought he was gonna shit the bed. 282 00:11:55,299 --> 00:11:58,510 Instead he's doing turndown service and leaving a mint on the pillow. 283 00:11:58,635 --> 00:12:02,431 You know, that can be the difference between a three and a four-star hotel. 284 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:05,058 All right, who's up first? 285 00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:08,437 We've got congressman jaeger. He's from Wisconsin. 286 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,356 - Is he the one with the prostitute problem? - Mmm. 287 00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:12,750 Oh, never mind. They all have that. 288 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,693 House is like caligula's room. 289 00:12:14,818 --> 00:12:15,819 Okay. 290 00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:18,339 - Okay, well, you got the... that's a five. - Yeah, I got it. 291 00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:19,591 - Woman: Hello? - Happy Thanksgiving. 292 00:12:19,615 --> 00:12:22,659 This is the president calling. Is congressman jaeger available? 293 00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:25,162 - Oh, sure. Let me get him. - Thank you. 294 00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:27,998 See? President calling herself. That's gotta be very impressive. 295 00:12:28,123 --> 00:12:29,791 (Laughing) I would die. 296 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,502 Jaeger: Yes, madam president, hello. 297 00:12:32,628 --> 00:12:34,338 Selina: Congressman jaeger, how are you? 298 00:12:34,463 --> 00:12:37,063 Well, to be honest, the holidays are a little tough on our family. 299 00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,360 My wife and I are trying to work some things out. 300 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:41,386 - (Whispers) Prostitutes. - Mmm-hmm. 301 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:44,222 So I'm sure that you know why I'm calling, congressman. 302 00:12:44,348 --> 00:12:46,266 Of course. The salmonella outbreak. 303 00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:48,268 Ma'am, have you considered making a statement? 304 00:12:48,352 --> 00:12:50,395 If I have learned one thing about crisis management, 305 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,398 it's that you've got to get out there and talk to the American people. 306 00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:56,818 If they hear it from you directly, you can get away with just about anything. 307 00:12:56,902 --> 00:12:58,695 Bordello bill is giving me advice. 308 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,031 Maybe you should declare a state of emergency. 309 00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:04,201 - Are you able to do that? - Yeah, I am, but unfortunately, lhave to run. 310 00:13:04,326 --> 00:13:06,828 I hope I can count on your support in the upcoming vote. 311 00:13:06,912 --> 00:13:08,205 Happy Thanksgiving. Bye-bye. 312 00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:10,791 Oh, my god. How many more of these do we have to do? 313 00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:12,709 Okay, we've got congressman coffey. 314 00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:15,462 Coffey. Where does he stick his dick? 315 00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,798 Here's the statement from health and human services. 316 00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:20,133 Hey, do you guys know a luxurious but super cheap hotel? 317 00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:21,301 Yeah, in the Philippines. 318 00:13:21,385 --> 00:13:23,470 Another 60 cases being reported 319 00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:26,640 including New Hampshire congressman Harry sherman. 320 00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,868 Jeez, he couldn't eat a Turkey unless you put it in a blender 321 00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:30,252 and fed it to him through a straw. 322 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,996 Wait, the turkeys have a hotel room, right? 323 00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:34,731 Yes. We better go see the black-eyed pea. 324 00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:36,900 - Wendy: Hello? - Big news, babe. 325 00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,736 Our surrogate debralee is a go. 326 00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,238 Praise Jesus! Are you kidding me? 327 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,657 We got to celebrate. Afternoon quickie. 328 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,492 Where? In the basement? 329 00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,494 Not this time. Big Mike has a surprise. 330 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,246 I got us a suite at the Willard. 331 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,916 I'll text you the... No, I'll sext you the room number. 332 00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:55,669 Any news on sherman? 333 00:13:55,752 --> 00:13:57,838 CNN and fox both say he's critical, 334 00:13:57,921 --> 00:14:00,590 but fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits. 335 00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:03,427 What is this? Is that lint? 336 00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:06,346 - You got one of those... - Yeah, lint brush. Sure, right here. 337 00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,686 That is amazing. 338 00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:14,831 Can I trouble you for another cup of coffee? 339 00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:17,232 - I'm running on fumes. - I'm your man. 340 00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,527 And one cream. 341 00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:22,779 Splash of half-and-half. 342 00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:25,532 One sugar and one splenda. 343 00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:35,125 Fuck me. 344 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:39,212 Selina: Yes, congressman, the vice president is certainly the... 345 00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:40,797 The president that never was. 346 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,975 You know what? Actually, I'm gonna have to call you back, congressman. 347 00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:47,387 Thank you so much. Happy Thanksgiving. Yes. What? 348 00:14:47,471 --> 00:14:49,139 - Sherman's dead. - (Gasps) 349 00:14:49,473 --> 00:14:50,974 Ow! Oh, my god, that hurts so much. 350 00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:53,810 - Please don't surprise me like that again. - We just got word. 351 00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:56,313 Why couldn't he have waited until after the weekend? 352 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:59,316 Well, in many ways, this could be the best thing that could happen. 353 00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:02,319 - Say what, now? - We just lost the oldest member of the house 354 00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:05,089 and our president can't make a statement without a paper bag on her head. 355 00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:08,492 You're missing the big picture. Sherman was an o'brien diehard. 356 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:12,162 That's one less vote for o'brien and possibly one vote for us 357 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,164 if they can hold a special election in time. 358 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,583 New Hampshire could give us the presidency. 359 00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:18,835 If I had known that, I would have killed him myself. 360 00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:20,921 Jonah's uncle Jeff is flying down. 361 00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:23,340 He's still the kingmaker in New Hampshire. 362 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,009 - God, he is such, like, a little man, isn't he? - He is. 363 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,511 - Fuck! - What? 364 00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:29,679 O'brien is offering condolences to the widow. 365 00:15:29,805 --> 00:15:31,908 We got to get somebody to say something about sherman. 366 00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:34,101 Not Doyle. Anyone but the veep. 367 00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:36,686 - We got to Lance that Doyle. - No promises, ma'am. 368 00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:37,938 - What? - No promises. 369 00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:39,272 Come on. 370 00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:43,693 - What is that? - It's your Thanksgiving meal. 371 00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:46,464 Why are there two place settings? You know Charlie's not coming, right? 372 00:15:46,488 --> 00:15:49,699 I do. That was just for in case you wanted someone to sit with you. 373 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,786 Not to eat, just to talk. 374 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,454 Or be quiet. 375 00:15:54,871 --> 00:15:56,373 - I'm not hungry. - Me neither. 376 00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:58,792 Doyle: You again? Ben: Sherman's dead. 377 00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,353 We need you to make another statement. 378 00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:03,213 What is "dental surgery" code for anyway, Ben? 379 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,215 I mean, is it like anal bleaching? 380 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,467 Because if it is, you should just come out and say that 381 00:16:07,551 --> 00:16:10,720 because the American people, they'll accept it in time. 382 00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:13,223 To be honest with you, sir, she's not looking real good. 383 00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:16,643 And I'll be honest with you. I don't think you're being honest about being honest. 384 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:19,896 So you know what? I want to see the president. 385 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,958 - That won't be necessary. - No more messengers, Ben. 386 00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:23,400 If she wants me to do her bullshit, 387 00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:27,070 she can tell me out of her own shining white asshole. 388 00:16:27,863 --> 00:16:31,658 Today's media-go-round was a tour de force. 389 00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:33,577 More like a waste de time. 390 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,179 Well, maybe you thought I was too busy 391 00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:37,581 sorting through your junk mail folder to realize 392 00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:42,335 you mentioned things like zucchini and Atlantic city and pfizer, 393 00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:45,922 all clients, of course, of Sidney "why is that guy calling me" purcell. 394 00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:48,175 I used a lot of other words, too. 395 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:53,930 I'm pretty sure I said "be" and also "careful." 396 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,268 I don't know what your endgame is, but I want in. 397 00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:00,604 I will bring you back human ears for a necklace. 398 00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:02,189 I am your guy. 399 00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:07,444 Didn't you have, like, a nervous breakdown? 400 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,755 - You had a nervous breakdown, right? - It was not a breakdown. 401 00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:12,449 It was just more a little bit of psychological indigestion. 402 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,677 You just got back from Nevada and you lost the recount. 403 00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,261 It's got to be a pretty stressful time. 404 00:17:16,286 --> 00:17:18,288 Seems to me like you're spinning out. 405 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,957 At least that's what I'm gonna have to tell everyone. 406 00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:22,751 Which would be a shame. 407 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,689 You're right. I don't even know what we were talking about. 408 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:29,090 We're talking about your mental state, Dan. 409 00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:33,637 Your lips are looking a little dry. 410 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,556 - I just want to see if I have that balm. - Oh, goodie. 411 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,559 Kent: Ben is bringing over vice president Doyle. 412 00:17:39,643 --> 00:17:40,894 He insisted on seeing you. 413 00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:44,272 Forgive me, but you have to be nice to him. 414 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,316 What? I know that. 415 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,985 Why is everybody always telling me to be nice? 416 00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:50,654 All right? Is it... here. 417 00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:56,451 - Jesus Horatio Christ. - Andrew. (Laughs) 418 00:17:57,327 --> 00:18:00,622 - Wow. - Needless to say, I did not have root canal. 419 00:18:00,956 --> 00:18:03,583 Thanks, guys. I got it. Come, sit down, please. 420 00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:06,920 Can I just say how much I appreciate 421 00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:09,339 your coming down on your Thanksgiving 422 00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:11,508 and giving it up to come here? Thank you. 423 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,277 Sherman may have been from the other side of the aisle, 424 00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:14,678 but he's a decent guy 425 00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:17,138 even though he still used the word "coloreds." 426 00:18:17,681 --> 00:18:19,099 Oh, well, nobody's perfect, right? 427 00:18:19,182 --> 00:18:20,934 You can cut the shit, selina. 428 00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,103 I have barely seen you for two months. 429 00:18:23,186 --> 00:18:25,772 - Well, apologies about that. - Okay. Listen, 430 00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:29,109 I will go out there with my golden boy smile, 431 00:18:29,192 --> 00:18:31,111 - give 'em the Doyle dazzle. - Okay. 432 00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:32,862 But there's something I want in return. 433 00:18:32,988 --> 00:18:35,198 I want to be considered for secretary of state. 434 00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:36,866 (Laughing) 435 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,872 It's the job I've always wanted. 436 00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:46,209 Hughes said that he would give it to me if he won a second term. 437 00:18:46,334 --> 00:18:49,546 And he also said he'd kick you off the ticket. 438 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:53,842 See, there's that Doyle dazzle, and I'm a big fan of it. 439 00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:55,552 (Chuckles) 440 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:58,388 Andrew, I'm a woman of my word, 441 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,307 and you have my word. 442 00:19:01,516 --> 00:19:02,851 - Fair enough. - Okay, good. 443 00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:04,614 - All right. - Say, did Ben do this to you? 444 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,044 Because I can get you to a shelter. 445 00:19:06,521 --> 00:19:09,733 - (Laughing) That's so funny. - Seriously, I know he says he loves you, 446 00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:12,444 but if you don't press charges, he's gonna kill you someday. 447 00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:15,572 I love it. Domestic abuse jokes. They just tickle me. 448 00:19:15,947 --> 00:19:17,282 (Doyle laughs) 449 00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:19,159 Doyle: As most of you already know, 450 00:19:19,242 --> 00:19:22,203 congressman Harry sherman passed away today 451 00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:25,248 in a hospital near his home in his beloved state of New Hampshire. 452 00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:28,752 Hey, I've got something for you guys, something big. 453 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:31,880 I think Tom is up to something with Sidney purcell. 454 00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:34,591 - Up to what? - At each of today's programs, 455 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,384 he mentioned one of purcell's clients. 456 00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:39,262 I mean, zucchini, pfizer, farmed salmon. 457 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:42,265 - Well, Tom is not that stupid. - There's a clear pattern. 458 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,601 And I noticed it, so I confronted him with the evidence. 459 00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:47,354 - And? - And he said that I was crazy. 460 00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:49,606 - You know what it could be? - What? 461 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,107 That you are fucking crazy. 462 00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:53,860 You were foaming at the mouth during the election. 463 00:19:55,487 --> 00:19:56,613 (Muttering) Tom James. 464 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:58,239 It was a fucking panic attack. 465 00:19:58,615 --> 00:19:59,783 Tom James. 466 00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:02,452 Goddamn panic attack. 467 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,788 - You know it was a fucking panic attack. - Senator Tom. 468 00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,039 Kent: Well done. 469 00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,643 Mike: Congratulations, Mrs. Mclintock. 470 00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:12,253 Listen, baby, I have some giblets simmering 471 00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:15,298 and five really hungry people, so I'm gonna need you to be really quick. 472 00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:17,300 No problem. Fastest gun in DC. 473 00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:21,554 Do you smell something? 474 00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:24,974 No, nothing. Just the whiff of romance. 475 00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:26,851 - No, I smell something. - Mmm-mmm. 476 00:20:26,935 --> 00:20:28,415 - You don't smell anything? - Mmm-mmm. 477 00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:30,664 Amy's dad: So what is this Tom James guy like? 478 00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:32,524 - Is he tall? - I should get back to work. 479 00:20:32,607 --> 00:20:35,110 - The president needs me. - Well, you just got here. 480 00:20:35,193 --> 00:20:37,588 Why don't you tell me about Vegas? Did you two girls have fun? 481 00:20:37,612 --> 00:20:39,697 Well, one of us did, 482 00:20:39,781 --> 00:20:42,659 but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. 483 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:45,787 Jesus, for the final time, it was not Vegas! 484 00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:48,081 Amy, please don't swear like that in front of the kids. 485 00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:49,392 - (Doorbell ringing) - I'll get it. 486 00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:51,668 Do not make me call your fathers. 487 00:20:52,043 --> 00:20:53,813 What the fuck? You're not answering your phone? 488 00:20:53,837 --> 00:20:56,256 - My family hid it. - Look, I've got to run something by you. 489 00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:59,092 I fully support your decision to live as an ugly woman. 490 00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:01,052 - Amy's mom: Who's there, honey? - Just Dan. 491 00:21:01,136 --> 00:21:02,262 Oh, good. Bring him in. 492 00:21:02,345 --> 00:21:04,389 - It's Thanksgiving. - Please don't make me. 493 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:06,867 Jeff: I spoke to the governor. 494 00:21:06,891 --> 00:21:07,971 New Hampshire is gonna hold 495 00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:10,186 a special election for the seat before Christmas. 496 00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:12,188 -But_ -sounds like a big goddamn but. 497 00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:16,985 Oh, yeah, this is a giant, juicy, muscular-Serena-Williams but. 498 00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:20,822 Sherman's widow is about to announce that she is running for the seat. 499 00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:24,784 (Sighs) I have recurring nightmares about running against widows. 500 00:21:24,868 --> 00:21:26,262 We've got a list of vetted names here. 501 00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:27,888 Well, great, why don't you send them right over to me? 502 00:21:27,912 --> 00:21:30,331 - I'm running low on toilet paper. - Excuse me? 503 00:21:30,415 --> 00:21:33,585 You don't give me names, beardo. I give you names. 504 00:21:33,668 --> 00:21:35,628 So take your list, roll it up real tiny, 505 00:21:35,712 --> 00:21:39,132 attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and have it fly up tubby's dick. 506 00:21:39,591 --> 00:21:40,675 So who's your choice? 507 00:21:40,758 --> 00:21:42,677 You know I'm grooming my nephew Ezra. 508 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,345 Heard a lot of great things about Ezra. 509 00:21:44,429 --> 00:21:47,223 Brilliant, handsome, wife's a solid eight. 510 00:21:47,307 --> 00:21:49,017 After kids, probably still be a seven. 511 00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:51,936 Mark my words, he will be president someday. 512 00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:55,273 But Ezra's currently serving in Afghanistan. 513 00:21:55,356 --> 00:21:58,085 Besides, for anyone to beat the widow, they're gonna have to fight dirty 514 00:21:58,109 --> 00:22:00,320 - and I don't shit where I eat. - Well, me neither. 515 00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:02,643 Not since my wife caught me eating yogurt on the crapper. 516 00:22:02,697 --> 00:22:05,116 We need a real piece of Cannon fodder here, 517 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:09,370 some spectacular dumb-ass willing to charge this machine gun nest, 518 00:22:09,454 --> 00:22:13,958 sacrifice his name and reputation, and then fuck off so Ezra can slide right in. 519 00:22:14,209 --> 00:22:17,295 So do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses? 520 00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:20,173 There's only one name on it. 521 00:22:20,256 --> 00:22:22,443 Tom: For my family back in Connecticut, we ditched the Turkey. 522 00:22:22,467 --> 00:22:26,721 That's because I have a special recipe for farmed salmon with a side of zucchini. 523 00:22:26,804 --> 00:22:29,057 - See? They're both clients. - Well, what does it mean? 524 00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:31,851 - I don't know. - He doesn't know. Why would he know? 525 00:22:31,935 --> 00:22:35,605 So for dessert, there's apple and pecan pie. What would you like? 526 00:22:35,855 --> 00:22:38,274 Oh, you know, I would love a little bit of both. 527 00:22:38,816 --> 00:22:40,860 - You want both, do you? - Yeah, why not? 528 00:22:40,944 --> 00:22:43,488 You know what? I'll tell you why not, you shit-sack Casanova. 529 00:22:43,571 --> 00:22:45,657 You have had sex with both of my daughters. 530 00:22:45,740 --> 00:22:47,325 I mean, have you no shame? 531 00:22:47,408 --> 00:22:49,929 Wait a minute, sweetie, I just figured it out. You know what it is? 532 00:22:49,953 --> 00:22:51,639 - You want to fuck my wife, too, don't you? - Amy's mom: Hey! 533 00:22:51,663 --> 00:22:53,223 - That's it. - Good night, brookheimers. 534 00:22:53,248 --> 00:22:55,500 - Bye, Dan. (Laughs) - Amy's mom: Sorry. 535 00:22:56,709 --> 00:22:58,869 Mrs. Ryan, these old Thanksgiving photos are priceless. 536 00:23:00,171 --> 00:23:03,341 Wow. That is some overbite. It's like a were-rabbit. 537 00:23:03,424 --> 00:23:04,926 Well, I was advanced for my age. 538 00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:06,719 I had all my adult teeth by age four. 539 00:23:06,803 --> 00:23:08,923 I didn't know children still wore leashes at this age. 540 00:23:08,972 --> 00:23:10,908 - Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. - Mrs. Ryan: Okay, Jeff. 541 00:23:10,932 --> 00:23:13,244 I should tell you that there's not enough white meat to go around. 542 00:23:13,268 --> 00:23:15,019 - I don't want a repeat of '79. - Whatever. 543 00:23:15,103 --> 00:23:16,813 Listen, the reason I'm here. 544 00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:17,981 Now that sherman is dead, 545 00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:21,734 there is going to be a special election back home for the seat and... 546 00:23:22,443 --> 00:23:25,947 Oh, you want me to canvass for cousin Ezra, the war hero? 547 00:23:26,030 --> 00:23:28,241 No, I want you to run. 548 00:23:29,742 --> 00:23:31,703 You want me to run his campaign? 549 00:23:31,786 --> 00:23:35,373 No, Jonah, I want you to run for the seat. 550 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:46,884 Joni? 551 00:23:47,844 --> 00:23:50,805 Dear lord who guides me and nourishes me, 552 00:23:50,888 --> 00:23:53,516 I set foot on this path that you have laid before me 553 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,102 with a strong arm and a willing heart 554 00:23:56,185 --> 00:23:59,022 to totally rock this shit. Amen. 555 00:24:00,398 --> 00:24:03,151 The Jonah Ryan story, chapter five. 556 00:24:03,234 --> 00:24:05,778 The house kneels before the fucking j-man. 557 00:24:05,862 --> 00:24:07,238 I'm running for congress! 558 00:24:07,322 --> 00:24:08,823 Oh, my god, that's great. 559 00:24:08,906 --> 00:24:10,718 Actual congress or some fantasy league congress? 560 00:24:10,742 --> 00:24:12,094 Of course, up against the widow sherman, 561 00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:15,455 it's gonna be like climbing mount McKinley with your balls stapled to a piano. 562 00:24:15,538 --> 00:24:17,498 She's got my vote, bless her heart. 563 00:24:17,582 --> 00:24:19,626 Ain't a challenge been invented Jonah Ryan can't do. 564 00:24:19,709 --> 00:24:21,061 Ice bucket challenge. You backed out of that. 565 00:24:21,085 --> 00:24:22,962 Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick. 566 00:24:23,046 --> 00:24:25,232 Well, it did raise a lot of awareness for whatever als is. 567 00:24:25,256 --> 00:24:27,634 - Who is this man? - Richard splett. 568 00:24:27,717 --> 00:24:29,427 - Splett? - Splett. 569 00:24:29,510 --> 00:24:32,055 Yeah, okay. This is just for one term here, Jonah. 570 00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:35,433 You're merely acting as a placeholder for Ezra. 571 00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:37,101 Once I'm in, I'm in. 572 00:24:37,185 --> 00:24:39,562 I went to the white house on a three-week placement. 573 00:24:39,646 --> 00:24:42,565 I'm a mrsa infection. You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan. 574 00:24:42,649 --> 00:24:45,818 Listen to me, all right? I'm not asking you, I am telling you. 575 00:24:45,902 --> 00:24:49,614 Yeah, but it's not my fault if cousin lezra ends up eating my nut dust 576 00:24:49,697 --> 00:24:52,992 and becoming the goofy Paul Simon to my angelic-voiced art Garfunkel. 577 00:24:53,076 --> 00:24:55,203 - Can I talk to you down here just a minute? - Yeah. 578 00:24:55,286 --> 00:24:57,330 Now listen to me, you walking trisomy. 579 00:24:57,789 --> 00:25:00,541 I could get dog shit in a condom elected in New Hampshire. 580 00:25:00,625 --> 00:25:03,211 You are my puppet. I'd let you dance. 581 00:25:03,294 --> 00:25:06,381 And when I stuff you back in the toy box to let Ezra lead, 582 00:25:06,464 --> 00:25:09,926 you will be grateful I ever let your wooden, painted face take the stage. 583 00:25:10,009 --> 00:25:12,804 Now, do you or do you not understand me? 584 00:25:14,097 --> 00:25:16,224 - Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. - Yeah. 585 00:25:16,307 --> 00:25:17,600 - Jeff. Jeff. - Hey, leave it. 586 00:25:17,684 --> 00:25:19,185 I don't want you screaming at joni. 587 00:25:19,268 --> 00:25:22,438 Congratulations, sir. May I be the first to join your campaign? 588 00:25:22,522 --> 00:25:25,233 - Absolutely, chief of staff. - Please let me earn it. 589 00:25:25,316 --> 00:25:26,776 There will be a vetting process. 590 00:25:29,696 --> 00:25:30,863 (Reporters murmuring) 591 00:25:30,947 --> 00:25:34,075 Okay, I'll just take a few questions first, then I'll bring you up again, okay? 592 00:25:34,158 --> 00:25:35,243 - All right. - Okay. 593 00:25:35,326 --> 00:25:40,456 Oh, hey, is it possible to get salmonella if you were to make love in a Turkey's bed? 594 00:25:40,540 --> 00:25:41,708 I'm sorry? 595 00:25:41,791 --> 00:25:44,252 I should add the turkeys were no longer there. 596 00:25:44,335 --> 00:25:46,045 Never mind. I'll be back. 597 00:25:46,379 --> 00:25:48,381 Reporters: Mike! Mike! Mike! 598 00:25:48,464 --> 00:25:49,590 You wanted to see me, ma'am? 599 00:25:49,674 --> 00:25:51,676 How'd it go with the New Hampshire Napoleon? 600 00:25:51,759 --> 00:25:54,554 - He's got a lot of ideas. - Yeah? Good. 601 00:25:54,637 --> 00:25:56,597 Oh, my god. Would you look at this? 602 00:25:56,681 --> 00:25:58,558 Reporter: Mike, why won't she give a statement? 603 00:25:59,183 --> 00:26:01,120 Somewhere in the world there's a woman exactly my age 604 00:26:01,144 --> 00:26:03,563 getting her pussy eaten and I'm stuck here watching this. 605 00:26:03,646 --> 00:26:05,273 God, I've got to get out there. 606 00:26:05,356 --> 00:26:07,525 (Reporters clamoring) 607 00:26:09,944 --> 00:26:12,864 When admiral burger first suggested this trip, 608 00:26:12,947 --> 00:26:15,324 it seemed like a very small sacrifice 609 00:26:15,408 --> 00:26:20,121 to forgo a traditional Thanksgiving with my beloved daughter Catherine 610 00:26:20,204 --> 00:26:25,084 and travel here to be with our brave sailors and marines. 611 00:26:25,168 --> 00:26:26,794 (Cheers and applause) 612 00:26:27,837 --> 00:26:31,077 And, ladies and gentlemen of the press, I want to thank you for your understanding 613 00:26:31,132 --> 00:26:33,885 as to the secrecy of this trip 614 00:26:33,968 --> 00:26:37,472 and why I've had to be incommunicado for the last few days. 615 00:26:37,555 --> 00:26:41,517 I also want to take this opportunity to introduce congressman bill jaeger 616 00:26:41,601 --> 00:26:44,437 from the first district in the great state of Wisconsin. 617 00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:45,622 They're ready for you, ma'am. 618 00:26:45,646 --> 00:26:46,957 How was your Thanksgiving, Marjorie? 619 00:26:46,981 --> 00:26:49,901 - It was nice, ma'am. - Where were you? 620 00:26:50,568 --> 00:26:52,695 - Maryland, ma'am. - Oh, that's where I'm from. 621 00:26:52,779 --> 00:26:53,946 I know, ma'am. 622 00:26:55,364 --> 00:26:56,616 Okay. (Laughs) 623 00:26:56,699 --> 00:26:58,451 - What? - What just happened? 624 00:26:58,826 --> 00:27:01,120 - I can't even look at her. - Yeah. 625 00:27:01,204 --> 00:27:03,706 All right, who's ready for some piping hot tofurkey? 626 00:27:03,790 --> 00:27:04,832 Where are the tongs? 627 00:27:04,916 --> 00:27:06,810 Ma'am, I'll be happy to hold your sunglasses for you. 628 00:27:06,834 --> 00:27:08,044 Oh, no, no, I'm good. 629 00:27:08,127 --> 00:27:10,963 That's tofurkey. It's made from... 630 00:27:11,047 --> 00:27:14,091 - Wheat, protein, organic tofu. - Wheat, protein, and organic tofu. 631 00:27:14,175 --> 00:27:16,219 - There you go. - We're gonna have a mutiny. 632 00:27:16,302 --> 00:27:18,179 We're gonna have a... 633 00:27:18,262 --> 00:27:19,656 - (Mobile buzzes) - Let's get some meat on your bones. 634 00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:21,200 - Or we'll put this on your bones. - Hey, ma'am, we... 635 00:27:21,224 --> 00:27:22,701 - We just got a text from Ben. - Okay. 636 00:27:22,725 --> 00:27:24,602 He said your trip is playing really well. 637 00:27:24,685 --> 00:27:26,229 - Keep waving the flag. - Great. 638 00:27:26,312 --> 00:27:28,940 And Jonah's running for congress in New Hampshire. 639 00:27:29,023 --> 00:27:30,149 What? 640 00:27:30,650 --> 00:27:31,818 What? 641 00:27:33,152 --> 00:27:34,737 What is that? 642 00:27:34,821 --> 00:27:36,322 - Oh, my god. Ah! - Oh. 643 00:27:40,326 --> 00:27:42,078 - Here. - Thank you. 644 00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:45,623 Just... shit. 645 00:27:45,748 --> 00:27:48,209 I bet you there's about 20 pieces of corn in here. 646 00:27:48,292 --> 00:27:49,627 Could be more. 647 00:27:49,752 --> 00:27:51,512 - Probably fit a lot of corn in there. - Mmm. 648 00:27:51,754 --> 00:27:53,005 Oh, my god. 649 00:27:53,923 --> 00:27:56,759 What the fuck is going... here.