1 00:00:20,313 --> 00:00:22,356 Amy: Okay, thornhill knows how to throw a ball, 2 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:23,691 Pierce may be a sitting fuck, 3 00:00:23,774 --> 00:00:26,277 but the main targets here are Maddox and chung. 4 00:00:26,611 --> 00:00:29,655 Well, hit chung with inexperience and Maddox with resignation. 5 00:00:29,739 --> 00:00:31,157 Actual and general air of. 6 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,618 Yeah, I want their heads on my wall. 7 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:34,911 Actual heads. 8 00:00:35,036 --> 00:00:36,245 God, I love this kinda talk. 9 00:00:36,329 --> 00:00:39,707 Gets me aroused. Sorry, I meant roused. 10 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,460 No, did I... I meant aroused. Aroused. 11 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,462 - Hi, Catherine. - Hi. 12 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,422 - Americano, dash of cow. - Thanks. 13 00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:48,966 Whoa! Who the fuck is smiley-faced coffee boy? 14 00:00:49,175 --> 00:00:51,677 That's Jackson. I hired him to sharpen up selina's answers. 15 00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:52,970 He's a writer. 16 00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:54,448 Yeah, you know, speeches, one-liners. 17 00:00:54,472 --> 00:00:55,932 Just me and my iPad, 18 00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:58,351 which I like to call the "zinger sewing machine." 19 00:00:58,434 --> 00:01:01,395 Oh, so you threw away Dan and you kept the voodoo doll, huh? 20 00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:04,023 I know, it's terrible that the first lady tried to kill herself, 21 00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:06,234 but our carrying on is what she would have wanted... 22 00:01:06,317 --> 00:01:07,485 Does want. 23 00:01:07,652 --> 00:01:08,962 Amy: Okay, let's rehearse the debate. 24 00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:10,821 Congressman furlong, can you be Joe thornhill? 25 00:01:10,905 --> 00:01:12,740 Let's see. "I don't know anything about nafta, 26 00:01:12,823 --> 00:01:14,033 "but I do know about baseball. 27 00:01:14,784 --> 00:01:16,244 "Baseball, baseball, baseball. 28 00:01:16,327 --> 00:01:18,246 "Look at my muscly chest. Vote for me." 29 00:01:18,329 --> 00:01:19,830 Ben, you are Owen Pierce. 30 00:01:19,956 --> 00:01:21,415 "Well, I'm a baby-faced, 31 00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:24,043 "know-nothing congressman from shit stain, Nevada, 32 00:01:24,126 --> 00:01:26,504 "uh, who's got the newly dropped balls 33 00:01:26,629 --> 00:01:29,006 "enough to think that I can run for president." 34 00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:31,676 Kent, you are former sec def Maddox. 35 00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:33,094 Don't do the voice, though. 36 00:01:33,177 --> 00:01:36,389 I've only ever used this voice, even as a young child. 37 00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:37,472 Okay. 38 00:01:37,515 --> 00:01:39,235 Sec def Maddox, where do you stand on crime? 39 00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:41,769 Well, right now I'm coming across pretty hard-lined, 40 00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:45,856 so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung. 41 00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:48,609 Oh, well, I'm the hip-hop governor of Minnesota 42 00:01:48,693 --> 00:01:50,236 and I'm coming off as too soft, 43 00:01:50,319 --> 00:01:52,655 so I'll try to out-hard sec def Maddox. 44 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:55,700 They've got more flip-flops than the cast of baywatch. 45 00:01:56,409 --> 00:01:57,660 What? Oh my god! 46 00:01:57,743 --> 00:01:59,829 Well, maybe. I don't know if it's gonna be baywatch. 47 00:01:59,912 --> 00:02:02,112 There's probably a more up-to-date reference we could... 48 00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:03,600 You know what, son? You should only talk 49 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:04,935 if someone pulls your string, okay? 50 00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,627 And even then, you just say, "tickle me." 51 00:02:06,711 --> 00:02:10,214 I like his jokes. They're jokes, right? 52 00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:11,966 - Yeah. - Yeah? 53 00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:13,929 - Catherine: Yeah. - Okay, everyone, a drumroll. 54 00:02:14,010 --> 00:02:15,052 (Grunting rhythmically) 55 00:02:15,136 --> 00:02:16,296 That's not really a drumroll. 56 00:02:16,512 --> 00:02:17,722 She's coming. She's coming. 57 00:02:17,888 --> 00:02:19,056 Selina: Ready? 58 00:02:19,432 --> 00:02:20,766 I think Gary's about to come. 59 00:02:20,850 --> 00:02:22,619 - She's coming. - Selina: Don't do it. It's too much buildup. 60 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:23,853 It's too much buildup. 61 00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:25,938 (People gasping) 62 00:02:26,022 --> 00:02:27,440 Rebranded. 63 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:28,816 (Selina laughs) 64 00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:30,276 What do we think? I love it. 65 00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:31,986 Ha-ha! 66 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:33,904 Love it, love it. Looks great. 67 00:02:34,071 --> 00:02:35,906 I never knew you had so much neck. 68 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,075 - I know! - I mean that in a good way. 69 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,618 - Right. - I think necks are neat. 70 00:02:39,702 --> 00:02:41,495 I'm going to go show everybody myself. 71 00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:43,039 - Okay. - Okay, let's go do it. 72 00:02:43,122 --> 00:02:45,791 Just imagine, that's what you'll look like when you become a boy. 73 00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:47,602 Amy: Ma'am, this is the haircut that your head has 74 00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,354 always wanted, but was too afraid to ask for. 75 00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:50,921 - Right. - Everything about it says... 76 00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:52,006 - Tomorrow. - Tomorrow. 77 00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:54,675 Yeah. Hello. Oh, no, don't be shy. 78 00:02:54,759 --> 00:02:57,553 If you feel like you must applaud, then, you know. 79 00:02:57,636 --> 00:02:59,263 (Chuckling) Oh! 80 00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:02,391 No, it's fine. Don't, don't. 81 00:03:02,475 --> 00:03:03,851 Look at that, mom. 82 00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:06,562 People are gonna start to think we're sisters now or siblings. 83 00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:07,706 Well, that's not the haircut. 84 00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:09,815 That's always been the case. We always get that. Hi. 85 00:03:09,899 --> 00:03:10,899 - Ma'am. - Yes? 86 00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:12,526 Would you sign this to the Max, please? 87 00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:13,778 Yes. 88 00:03:17,031 --> 00:03:18,491 Getting nothing here. 89 00:03:18,574 --> 00:03:19,867 - Thank you. - Okay. 90 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,202 "Short hair for the long haul." 91 00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:23,329 - That's good, I like that. - Thanks, guys. 92 00:03:23,412 --> 00:03:25,140 - Very good. - Catherine: What is it with you two? 93 00:03:25,164 --> 00:03:27,792 It's like flirting, but sexless. 94 00:03:28,292 --> 00:03:29,532 Well, look, it's George looney. 95 00:03:29,627 --> 00:03:30,753 Hey, Kent. 96 00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:32,296 Dan, what are you doing here? 97 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:34,423 Everybody needs to be somewhere, Mike. 98 00:03:34,507 --> 00:03:36,217 I need to be here. 99 00:03:36,342 --> 00:03:38,052 So, did they cure you or whatever? 100 00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:40,137 No, I did not need to be cured, Michael. 101 00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:43,557 I diagnosed myself with an acute case of "everything's fine." 102 00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:46,435 Can I get anybody a coffee? 103 00:03:46,519 --> 00:03:47,621 - Ah, yes, please. - Yeah? Okay. 104 00:03:47,645 --> 00:03:49,522 Milk and two heaping spoonfuls 105 00:03:49,605 --> 00:03:50,665 of whatever the fuck you're on. 106 00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:51,690 Me, too. 107 00:03:51,774 --> 00:03:53,609 'Cause it frames my face. Yeah. 108 00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:54,902 Oh, oops, excuse me, buddy. 109 00:03:55,027 --> 00:03:56,195 Oh! 110 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,672 - Oh. - I didn't even recognize you. 111 00:03:57,696 --> 00:03:58,989 - Look at you. - Look at you. 112 00:03:59,073 --> 00:04:00,658 - I love it. Do you love it? - Yeah. 113 00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:04,078 Ma'am, I just wanna say again, thank you. 114 00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:05,579 Mmm-hmm. 115 00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:07,182 And I'm still very sorry I let it all get to me. 116 00:04:07,206 --> 00:04:08,308 - Yeah. - But I've cleared it out. 117 00:04:08,332 --> 00:04:09,643 I'm much more centered. I'm better. 118 00:04:09,667 --> 00:04:12,086 Yeah, well, like I said before, I forgive you. 119 00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:13,587 - Because I'm nice. - You are. 120 00:04:13,671 --> 00:04:15,431 - And because I need your brain. - Thank you. 121 00:04:15,506 --> 00:04:18,175 But don't ever go schizo-titzo on me again. 122 00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,177 And get rid of this. 123 00:04:23,139 --> 00:04:24,408 Amy: Ma'am, continuing to love the hair. 124 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:25,599 Thank you. 125 00:04:25,683 --> 00:04:27,393 - Welcome to debate prep. - Oh, good. 126 00:04:27,476 --> 00:04:29,395 Mike is chung. Kent is ex-sec def Maddox. 127 00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:30,729 Selina: Uh-huh. Oh. 128 00:04:30,813 --> 00:04:32,022 Ben is Owen Pierce. 129 00:04:32,148 --> 00:04:33,315 Oh, that does look like him. 130 00:04:33,399 --> 00:04:35,067 And congressman furlong is Joe thornhill. 131 00:04:35,151 --> 00:04:36,277 Basebau 132 00:04:36,402 --> 00:04:37,570 yeah. Oh, god! 133 00:04:37,653 --> 00:04:40,948 Can't we give Pierce a dollar, send him off to the movies or something? 134 00:04:41,031 --> 00:04:42,676 Let me tell you something. Thornhill's the one to watch, 135 00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:44,952 because he is a complete asshole. 136 00:04:45,828 --> 00:04:48,706 Actually, you know what? Uh... oh, here you go, buddy. 137 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,624 - Thank you. - Coffee for the golden bear. 138 00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:55,421 Uh, I have a buddy who is inside MLB and he said it's possible 139 00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:57,715 that thornhill might have had an affair. 140 00:04:57,923 --> 00:04:59,216 Whoa. Do we have proof? 141 00:04:59,383 --> 00:05:00,676 Yeah, is there a smoking condom? 142 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:02,678 It supposedly happened about eight years ago. 143 00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:05,031 Eight years ago? It could have been anyone. Could have been Ben. 144 00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:06,741 Yeah, I poked everything that moved back then. 145 00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:10,352 You did. All right, we”, we just need another reliable source and then, uh, 146 00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:12,396 we can make it an affair to remember. 147 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,481 Bam! 148 00:05:14,190 --> 00:05:16,025 God, I feel so powerful! 149 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,153 I got a whole new rush of blood to my new head. 150 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:22,048 Well, if thornhill strayed once, there might be others. 151 00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:23,574 Maybe a crack whore, if we're lucky. 152 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,534 Call me naive, but isn't that unethical? 153 00:05:25,618 --> 00:05:26,978 You're naive. Welcome to politics. 154 00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:29,663 Sorry to interrupt, but I need these looked at, stat. 155 00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:30,748 Ugh. 156 00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,791 And the president's office is on the line. 157 00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:35,753 Oh, my god! The president will not stop calling. 158 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,339 I just can't seem to get him out of my hair. 159 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:40,090 - Ma'am? - Did you notice? 160 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,259 - You have a new haircut. - Yeah. 161 00:05:42,343 --> 00:05:43,802 - And a twitch. - What? 162 00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:46,072 I thought I was just feeling it. You actually saw it? 163 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,199 It's really, really, really tiny. 164 00:05:47,223 --> 00:05:48,224 You've seen it? 165 00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:50,467 When you feel it happening, maybe you smile through it. 166 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,145 Oh, there. Aha! 167 00:05:53,229 --> 00:05:54,498 - Did you see that? - Not at all. 168 00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:56,982 Sue, I cannot stress to you enough 169 00:05:57,066 --> 00:05:59,443 the uninterruptability of this meeting. 170 00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:02,196 Well, maybe I should get my mother to sign these papers. 171 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,823 Okay, sue, do not test me. I do not want to have a scene here. 172 00:06:04,907 --> 00:06:06,617 I will not have a scene. 173 00:06:06,951 --> 00:06:09,119 Somebody should check if they're having makeup sex. 174 00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:10,955 Gary. Gary! 175 00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:12,623 Oh! What do you think of the new cut? 176 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:13,832 Huh, do you like it? 177 00:06:13,958 --> 00:06:15,101 Of course I don't fucking like it, Gary. 178 00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,878 It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy. 179 00:06:17,962 --> 00:06:20,339 The elfin look is in right now. I was reading about it. 180 00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,007 People don't elect eres, okay? 181 00:06:22,091 --> 00:06:23,276 They put them to work in grottos 182 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,403 or they get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them. 183 00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,147 - Okay, that's dwarves. - It doesn't matter. 184 00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:30,367 - Do you really think it's too short? - Yeah. 185 00:06:30,391 --> 00:06:31,517 She looks like k.D. Iang. 186 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,787 Think of all the lesbian jokes we're gonna have to suffer. 187 00:06:33,811 --> 00:06:37,231 "Strap-on selina," "selina navratilova," "fingering the dyke." 188 00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:39,441 Oh, Mike. Why are you so angry? 189 00:06:39,525 --> 00:06:42,444 Because you have created a fuckload of work for me. 190 00:06:42,528 --> 00:06:44,528 I have to go out and find a friendly ster reporter, 191 00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:47,324 get 'em on our side, preferably a blind one. 192 00:06:47,616 --> 00:06:48,742 You're married to one. 193 00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:49,994 A blind woman? 194 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,955 - Okay. - Oh, Wendy. I'll text her. 195 00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,530 Okay, do you think we could add extensions or something? 196 00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:58,252 I'm up for extensions. What are extensions? 197 00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:01,171 The first thing is defense spending. 198 00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:02,983 Yeah, well, then we use the draw down-lock down. 199 00:07:03,007 --> 00:07:04,675 - Right. - Fuck-what which-way? 200 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,761 Draw down troops abroad, lock down the budget at home. 201 00:07:07,845 --> 00:07:10,806 Our line can be, "thornhill's hitting home runs and away runs." 202 00:07:10,889 --> 00:07:12,600 - Can you have "away runs"? - Yeah. 203 00:07:12,683 --> 00:07:14,435 - No. - Selina: Okay, so, uh, 204 00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:15,745 what am I attacking chung with? 205 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:16,854 Ha-ha. 206 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:19,106 What, are you laughing at us, pee-wee sperman? 207 00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:20,357 - Oh, stop it. - Haha. 208 00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:23,694 "Health care, air pollution, high salaries, and Afghanistan." 209 00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:25,487 Amy: Position on immigration. 210 00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:28,949 Okay, well, my position has always been clear on immigration. 211 00:07:30,576 --> 00:07:32,286 Oh god! What the fuck is that thing? 212 00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:34,121 - The three r's. - Oh, the three r's. 213 00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:38,167 Um, "reaffirm, reform, renew." 214 00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:39,585 - Renew. - Yes. 215 00:07:40,294 --> 00:07:42,094 I don't think I like the three r's, you guys. 216 00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:43,964 - I like them. - You do? 217 00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:46,550 Okay, yeah. I like them, then. I like 'em. 218 00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:49,803 Okay, so, moving on. Do you think that your London trip 219 00:07:49,887 --> 00:07:51,388 harmed the "special relationship"? 220 00:07:51,472 --> 00:07:54,642 Absolutely not. We still have a very special relationship 221 00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:58,562 and I'm very much looking foward to the upcoming royal visit. 222 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,983 Okay. I think we're gonna leave it there today. 223 00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,653 Meeting is over. Pleasantries, et cetera. 224 00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:07,380 Well, ma'am, I hope your meeting went well, 225 00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:09,531 because the rest of your day is a logistical hell. 226 00:08:09,615 --> 00:08:11,259 Is there any way you can make that sound more appealing? 227 00:08:11,283 --> 00:08:13,683 Well, I could add the word "cookie" on the end for no reason. 228 00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:16,330 She can't practice not having the twitch. 229 00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:18,582 She can practice that. It's called "muscle memory." 230 00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:20,084 This is gonna be on television. 231 00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:21,585 What about Botox? 232 00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:28,467 Joe: We're getting ready for showtime. 233 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:29,760 Oh, sure am, boss. Sure am. 234 00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:31,136 Yeah. Yeah. 235 00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:32,346 How are you feeling? 236 00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:33,907 It's hot. It feels hot in here. (Laughs) 237 00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:35,075 Yes, it's fine. Thank you very much. 238 00:08:35,099 --> 00:08:37,077 - Welcome to the university of New Hampshire. - Thank you. 239 00:08:37,101 --> 00:08:40,145 Uh, we're gonna be onstage in about five minutes, everybody. 240 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:43,148 It's like being dropped into enemy territory unarmed. 241 00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:44,525 (Laughing) 242 00:08:45,109 --> 00:08:46,628 Oh, nice to see you, congressman Pierce. 243 00:08:46,652 --> 00:08:48,028 Madam vice president. 244 00:08:48,112 --> 00:08:50,965 Hope you're not feeling too... well, I guess you are feeling a little nervous. 245 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,282 - Hey, George. - Hi. How are you? 246 00:08:52,408 --> 00:08:53,492 I like the new hair getup. 247 00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:54,618 Oh, thank you. 248 00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:55,762 You'd fit right in in the military. 249 00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:57,996 Sir, might I say, you look very presidential. 250 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,124 Get me some fruit, some mango. 251 00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:02,000 Yes, sir, of course. Absolutely. 252 00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:03,752 Well, here it is, game one of the series. 253 00:09:03,836 --> 00:09:05,546 Joe thornhill. What are you gonna do? 254 00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:07,509 You gonna hit one out of the park, shoeless Joe? 255 00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:08,841 Well, I'm gonna try, ma'am. 256 00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:09,984 Maybe we're gonna be surprised 257 00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:11,111 by our pinch hitter over here. 258 00:09:11,135 --> 00:09:12,177 Joe: Well, you never know. 259 00:09:12,261 --> 00:09:14,138 Oh, my, um, parents did not allow me 260 00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:16,140 to play sports growing up, so... 261 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:20,227 That's a shame. 262 00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:22,563 Oh, I wonder if we should, um, take a picture. 263 00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:24,290 - Do you think that would be a good idea? - Good idea. 264 00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:25,482 Should we, uh... 265 00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:26,775 No, I think... 266 00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:29,604 - I have a much better camera. - Bup, bup, bup, bup... 267 00:09:30,154 --> 00:09:33,073 All right, say, "who's gonna be president?" 268 00:09:33,157 --> 00:09:34,158 - No, no. - No. 269 00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:38,579 Mr. Egan, I see you've shaved. Wise. 270 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,999 You don't have the facial gravitas for a beard. 271 00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:44,251 It's so smooth, it's amazing. 272 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,336 It's like touching a child's face. Here, try it. 273 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:49,173 I don't enjoy touching children's faces. 274 00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:50,716 And neither should you. 275 00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:52,926 Hey, Dan flew over the cuckoo's nest. 276 00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:55,220 How's it going, buddy? You gonna self-harm? 277 00:09:55,554 --> 00:09:56,847 Can I live-stream it? 278 00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,742 You know, a lot of that aggression comes from insecurity, buddy. 279 00:10:00,184 --> 00:10:01,935 How are you gonna manage all this craziness? 280 00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,938 Well, I don't just manage, ma'am, I coach. 281 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:06,482 And I'm gonna coach america. 282 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,066 You're talking to me now. 283 00:10:08,192 --> 00:10:09,377 (Chuckles) I was just practicing. 284 00:10:09,401 --> 00:10:11,987 Okay. But I mean, if it doesn't pan out, uh, 285 00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:15,282 well, I guess you'll just have happy memories 286 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:17,785 to bring home to, um... where is it? 287 00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:19,995 I believe they still call it the white house, ma'am. 288 00:10:20,078 --> 00:10:21,622 - You gonna come visit me? - Visit? 289 00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:23,057 - Yeah. - I'm gonna redecorate. (Laughing) 290 00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:24,166 Oh, okay. 291 00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:25,292 Sorry to interrupt, ma'am. 292 00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,543 You go right ahead. 293 00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:27,854 Yeah, thank you. I just wanted to make sure 294 00:10:27,878 --> 00:10:30,047 that you had all the numbers on the sanctuary states. 295 00:10:32,341 --> 00:10:34,468 Oh! Oh, yes. Yes, I do. Yes. 296 00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,362 Because you need them all. Othennise you'd be screwed. 297 00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:37,513 - Yeah. - Completely. 298 00:10:37,596 --> 00:10:39,223 That's cute, little mind games. 299 00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:41,850 I happen to know all about sanctuary states, ladies. 300 00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:43,477 (Chuckung) 301 00:10:43,894 --> 00:10:45,103 - See you later. - All right. 302 00:10:45,187 --> 00:10:47,189 Yeah. I think I just did... 303 00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:48,416 - The twitch is back. - The twitch is back, yeah. 304 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:49,441 I cannot believe it. 305 00:10:49,525 --> 00:10:51,336 Amy: No, that's in the past and you have to go fonnard. 306 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:52,420 - And you're gonna annihilate... - Oh my god! 307 00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:53,445 Twitchy is back. 308 00:10:53,529 --> 00:10:54,529 - Shit! - What? 309 00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:55,656 Don't sweat it. 310 00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:57,658 You have to literally not sweat. 311 00:10:57,741 --> 00:10:58,968 You don't want to go Nixon on us. 312 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,160 You can turn sideways. 313 00:11:00,244 --> 00:11:01,995 Twitch, smile, turn. 314 00:11:02,079 --> 00:11:03,723 - And the three r's. - I have the three r's. 315 00:11:03,747 --> 00:11:05,123 "Reform, reaffirm, renew." 316 00:11:05,249 --> 00:11:06,667 No, "renew." 317 00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:08,585 That's what I just said, "renew." 318 00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:09,920 She looks like Peter falk. 319 00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:11,338 Maybe a fourth r? 320 00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:12,881 - Maybe just "relax." - No. 321 00:11:12,965 --> 00:11:14,675 Madam vice president, 30 seconds to air. 322 00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:16,009 Amy: Thank you. 323 00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:17,386 Is the twitch really bad? 324 00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:19,763 Yes. 325 00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,056 - Okay. - Yeah. 326 00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:22,891 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 327 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,768 the candidates for tonight's debate. 328 00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:26,829 - Joe thornhill. - (Audience applauding) 329 00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:30,148 Former secretary of defense George Maddox. 330 00:11:30,983 --> 00:11:32,776 Vice president selina meyer. 331 00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:34,695 - Madam vice president. - How do you do? 332 00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:37,340 Here's my favorite part, where they all pretend like they like each other. 333 00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:38,490 Governor Danny chung. 334 00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:39,801 Fuck Broadway. This is real acting. 335 00:11:39,825 --> 00:11:41,410 Congressman Owen Pierce. 336 00:11:41,702 --> 00:11:43,328 Doyle: (Chuckles) Nice air kiss. 337 00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:45,390 - I think he actually missed the air. - Welcome, all of you. 338 00:11:45,414 --> 00:11:46,432 Selina: Thank you. Joe: Thank you. 339 00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:47,600 Moderator: Let's get started. 340 00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:48,643 Roger: Now, he spills his water! 341 00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:51,003 I swear, this kid is literally gonna shit himself. 342 00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:54,131 Joe thornhill, you're an ex-baseball coach. 343 00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:57,926 People say you're way out of your league, literally. 344 00:11:58,176 --> 00:11:59,445 Shouldn't you get off the field? 345 00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:00,637 You know, ma'am... 346 00:12:01,096 --> 00:12:04,892 I'm just an ordinary guy and I live in the real america. 347 00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:09,062 I may not know much about running the country, I'll give you that. 348 00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:10,439 But you know what? 349 00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:11,722 Neither did George Washington. 350 00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:12,941 Very good. 351 00:12:13,025 --> 00:12:15,319 Now compare yourself to Lincoln and Buddha. 352 00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:17,654 What you need is some coaching. 353 00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:21,450 And I want to be your coach. I want to coach america. 354 00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,536 And if you'll have me, 355 00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:29,041 well, I guarantee you we're going all the way to the pennant. 356 00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:30,459 (Audience applauding) 357 00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:32,586 Thank you very much. 358 00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:37,132 Thornhill's dial tests are off the dial. 359 00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:38,258 The focus groups love him. 360 00:12:38,342 --> 00:12:40,302 The public will vote for anybody they recognize. 361 00:12:40,385 --> 00:12:43,055 We could lose to the whale from free Willy. 362 00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:46,016 Well, today, we're here to talk about records. 363 00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:49,311 And, uh, my record clearly shows that unlike some of us, 364 00:12:49,645 --> 00:12:51,355 uh, lhave been tested. 365 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:54,358 Here comes the burning tank story where he saves the one guy 366 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,151 and the rest of us get fuckin' tortured. 367 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:59,071 When I, uh, saved my friend 368 00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:02,366 on the field of battle, uh, 369 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,660 from a burning tank. I, uh... 370 00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:07,454 I wasn't thinking about myself. 371 00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:09,456 I was thinking about my friend. 372 00:13:10,374 --> 00:13:11,792 I was thinking about his family. 373 00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,877 Doyle: Look at him throwing his water everywhere. 374 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,630 He should have been there when the tank was on fire. 375 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,674 God, how does this kid feed himself? 376 00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:21,551 Mike, you said Wendy would be here. Where is she? 377 00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:24,554 She's not my dog, Amy. Who actually isn't very well at the moment. 378 00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:26,115 I don't care, Mike. Just get Wendy here, okay? 379 00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,849 She's got a problem with an anal gland. 380 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:29,893 I'm talking about the dog. 381 00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:31,937 - Oh, there she is. Hey, tiger. - Ha... 382 00:13:32,604 --> 00:13:34,481 - Hey... - So, Gary... 383 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,042 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Talk to Wendy about selina. 384 00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:37,526 - What? - The thing we... the... 385 00:13:37,651 --> 00:13:39,236 Uh, Wendy, hey. 386 00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,989 We are so excited about the veep's new look, Wendy. 387 00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:44,324 (Stammering) We think it's, uh, makes her look younger, 388 00:13:44,408 --> 00:13:45,867 but it's age-appropriate, I feel. 389 00:13:45,951 --> 00:13:47,452 - Nice to see you, too, Gary. - Hey. 390 00:13:47,536 --> 00:13:49,329 Hey, relax. It's a puff piece, all right? 391 00:13:49,413 --> 00:13:51,557 I'm with the style section now. You don't have to do that. 392 00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:52,976 People are being so critical, Wendy. 393 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,760 I mean, they think she looks like a lesbian. 394 00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:57,337 Shit! Ididn'tjust say that. I'm sorry. 395 00:13:57,421 --> 00:13:59,798 Gary, stop being so nervous. Watch me. 396 00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,341 "Oh, I love your tie." 397 00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:03,468 See? Basically brain-dead. Don't worry. 398 00:14:03,719 --> 00:14:05,303 - Secretary Maddox. - Yes. 399 00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:08,098 You've been with the military exclusively. 400 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:10,475 What makes you qualified to be the president? 401 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:14,563 I'm a man of words that the American people can understand. 402 00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:22,404 I'm talking about words like, the economy, jobs... 403 00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:26,783 World's worst boy-band member ever right there. 404 00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:30,370 It's a simple and direct language. 405 00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,373 And, um... (Clearing throat) 406 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,268 He looks like he just came out of the bathroom 407 00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:37,377 and then decided that he hadn't finished yet. 408 00:14:37,461 --> 00:14:40,130 It's a language that I feel 409 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:43,759 the American people wanna listen to. 410 00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:45,969 I feel your pain. You okay? 411 00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,056 I'll be better when you walk away. 412 00:14:49,473 --> 00:14:51,141 If only we could all just walk away. 413 00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:54,144 And now to you, madam vice president. 414 00:14:54,269 --> 00:14:56,354 Your personal trainer caused some 415 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,565 controversy recently and had to be dismissed. 416 00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:00,609 What do you say to the accusation 417 00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:02,652 that you care too much about image 418 00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:04,863 and aren't making a real difference to america? 419 00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:08,158 Before I answer it, I'd like to start off by saying 420 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,911 I would like to be the first to thank 421 00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:15,248 the kind folks here at the university of New Hampshire. 422 00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:18,085 The faculty, the staff, the students, of course... 423 00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:19,795 - Owen: Absolutely. - For... (Stammers) 424 00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:21,713 Um, excuse me, congressman? 425 00:15:21,797 --> 00:15:24,049 Yes. Yes, ma'am, absolutely. 426 00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:26,927 Great. (Clearing throat) I do want to answer that question. Um... 427 00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:28,488 I've got to say, I like this new look. 428 00:15:28,512 --> 00:15:29,596 - You do? - Mmm-hmm. 429 00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:30,679 - Yeah. - Nice. 430 00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:32,516 I mean, it's better than that London outfit. 431 00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:33,934 That hat was crazy. 432 00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:35,411 I did not have anything to do with that. 433 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,270 - Ray chose that hat. - Ray the trainer? 434 00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:39,074 - Yeah. (Chuckles ruefully) - Ray has a say? 435 00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:41,707 She does not say nay to ray. You know what I'm sayin'? (Laughing) 436 00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:45,862 What kind of stuff? 437 00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,116 I did have a fitness trainer. 438 00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:52,202 However, this gentleman did not make any decisions 439 00:15:52,327 --> 00:15:55,038 in my office under any circumstances. 440 00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:57,791 I choose my own outfits, I stay in shape, 441 00:15:57,874 --> 00:16:00,127 I make the decisions in my office, 442 00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:02,921 and I am the best multi-tasker on my team. 443 00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:05,590 She just said the opposite of what you said. 444 00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:07,968 (Scoffing) No... 445 00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:09,302 Yes. 446 00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:10,780 You can't use that. Please don't use that. 447 00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:13,932 You just gave me a good scoop on ray. 448 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,142 I'm not gonna ignore that. 449 00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:18,186 Okay. (Clearing throat) Excuse me. 450 00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:22,649 Hello, Mike. 451 00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,568 I just told Wendy that ray picked the hat, 452 00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:26,611 but then selina said that he didn't, 453 00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:28,738 so now Wendy knows that selina's lying. 454 00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:30,699 I'm sorry, Gary. You lost me at "hello." 455 00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:31,825 How are we doing? 456 00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:35,495 Well, thornhill is still, to use a baseball analogy, "winning." 457 00:16:35,579 --> 00:16:38,999 Dan, get on the phone. Find me thornhill's snatch, now. 458 00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:42,419 Call every whore and mistress in america until you find the right one. 459 00:16:43,587 --> 00:16:46,715 You do remember that he had a breakdown recently? 460 00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:49,134 Oh, Jesus, Kent. It was, like, three weeks ago. 461 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:51,094 Besides, selina is waiting for the signal. 462 00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:53,096 - We need to out this affair. - Yeah, we do. 463 00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:54,848 We need to find the "smoking hon." 464 00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:56,349 As in "honey." That doesn't work. 465 00:16:56,433 --> 00:16:57,994 That's not clear. I've got a bad stomach cramp. 466 00:16:58,018 --> 00:17:00,178 I think I might be coming down with a bug or something. 467 00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:02,314 Moderator: Congressman Pierce, you've served 468 00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:04,357 in congress for four years now. 469 00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:06,735 How does that affect your vision for america? 470 00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:11,364 The america that I see now is a mess. 471 00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:14,951 Our economy is going down the drain. 472 00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:18,914 If our government is going to take everything from us, 473 00:17:18,997 --> 00:17:20,415 bar the kitchen sink, 474 00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,000 they might want to take 475 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:24,961 the plug as well. 476 00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:26,504 (Weak chuckling) 477 00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:27,923 Why a plug? 478 00:17:28,298 --> 00:17:31,051 To plug up the plug hole. 479 00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:33,260 It was a joke. 480 00:17:33,303 --> 00:17:34,346 He's making a joke. 481 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,282 Guess I'm the only one with a sense of humor. 482 00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:37,474 (Laughing) 483 00:17:37,641 --> 00:17:41,144 We should put this guy in Vegas. I mean, anywhere but here. 484 00:17:41,228 --> 00:17:43,104 If newspapers still had cartoonists, 485 00:17:43,188 --> 00:17:45,857 they could do something really clever with that plug. 486 00:17:45,941 --> 00:17:48,652 Hey, Jackson, are you working for him and not telling us? 487 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,321 Everybody here doesn't hate me, right? 488 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,760 Baby, we have a little situation here. 489 00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:57,077 Okay, just what exactly did Gary say, okay? 490 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,287 You didn't say anything about flotus, did you? 491 00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:00,830 No, but you just did. 492 00:18:00,956 --> 00:18:02,415 Flotus? What about flotus? 493 00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:03,899 I didn't say anything about flotus. 494 00:18:03,959 --> 00:18:05,252 She's a reporter. 495 00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:06,711 Shut up! 496 00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,213 Hey, what's going on with flotus? 497 00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:09,923 - Nothing. - Nothing. 498 00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:11,484 I have to write about something, so... 499 00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:12,842 Okay, babe, look. 500 00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:15,053 I'm gonna give you the Joe thornhill affair. 501 00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:16,429 Thornhill had an affair? 502 00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:17,834 What the hell is wrong with you? 503 00:18:17,889 --> 00:18:19,809 That's okay. That's good with me. I'll take that. 504 00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:20,976 Good boy. 505 00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:22,261 Good boy, good boy, good boy. 506 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,600 Moderator: Governor chung, 507 00:18:23,645 --> 00:18:25,563 we live in a time when young people 508 00:18:25,647 --> 00:18:27,691 find it increasingly hard to find work. 509 00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:29,252 How would you address this issue? 510 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:31,444 10 bucks he says, "bring back the draft." 511 00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:33,530 You know, I'm not trying to say that, uh, 512 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,991 you should, uh, join up and serve your country, 513 00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:38,285 but there are other options for, uh... 514 00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:40,805 I'd love to field this one, governor chung, if you don't mind. 515 00:18:40,829 --> 00:18:43,456 I'm sorry, the question was directed to me. 516 00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:46,459 But this is a question that is very near to my heart. 517 00:18:46,543 --> 00:18:48,187 Selina: Are we all allowed to speak at once now? 518 00:18:48,211 --> 00:18:49,771 - Is that how it's gonna work? - Well... 519 00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:51,899 You know what? I would like to hear what the coach has to say. 520 00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:53,008 That's manager. 521 00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,175 Manager. It's fine. 522 00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:57,971 You know, as someone who's spent my entire professional career 523 00:18:58,054 --> 00:19:00,140 working with young athletes 524 00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:02,183 helping them to achieve their potential 525 00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:04,269 and, indeed, become role models, 526 00:19:04,352 --> 00:19:07,314 young adult unemployment has always been a priority for me. 527 00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:09,941 He's blocking selina. That guy's smarter than he looks. 528 00:19:10,025 --> 00:19:11,484 Mind you, he'd have to be. 529 00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:15,196 Seems to me the vice president has taken her eye off the ball. 530 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:18,783 She's become distracted by the trappings of her office. 531 00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:22,203 I think it's time we stopped worrying about people up on the hill. 532 00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:24,831 Yeah, according to the dials, thornhill's still out front. 533 00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:28,752 Okay, we really, really need that woman who fucked him to fuck him. 534 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:29,836 We need Joe's ho. 535 00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:32,023 I'm just waiting for one more source to corroborate the story. 536 00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:33,340 Oh, wait, wait, wait. 537 00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:35,050 He fucked her. 538 00:19:35,175 --> 00:19:36,176 (Cheering quietly) 539 00:19:36,259 --> 00:19:38,595 This feels better than actually having sex yourself. 540 00:19:38,762 --> 00:19:40,180 Now, as a military man, 541 00:19:40,263 --> 00:19:43,350 I know that true leadership takes, uh, strategy, 542 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:45,435 it takes planning, it takes a vision. 543 00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:50,315 Now, today, we're not here to talk about, uh, personal trainers 544 00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:53,693 or baseball or, uh, plugs. 545 00:19:53,777 --> 00:19:56,196 Um, I certainly hope that the governor 546 00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:58,698 is not suggesting that I haven't been tested. 547 00:19:58,782 --> 00:20:04,037 I've served my entire life under the scrutiny of the public eye, 548 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:07,832 and I have no skeletons whatsoever in my closet. 549 00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:11,127 The question is, can we all say the same here? 550 00:20:11,586 --> 00:20:13,189 I need this story coming out of every TV, 551 00:20:13,213 --> 00:20:14,774 phone, laptop, and hairdresser in america. 552 00:20:14,798 --> 00:20:15,941 Dan, you get the press ready. 553 00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:16,966 Yeah. 554 00:20:17,342 --> 00:20:20,428 Well, I'm glad you raised that issue, madam vice president. 555 00:20:21,137 --> 00:20:23,139 I've got something very important I would like 556 00:20:23,306 --> 00:20:25,308 to share with the American people. 557 00:20:26,351 --> 00:20:28,103 I just wanna be honest. 558 00:20:28,603 --> 00:20:31,564 Many years ago, I had a brief affair. 559 00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:33,650 I deeply regret it. 560 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,860 - He's confessing? - Now, I'm not ashamed to... 561 00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:37,070 Crap. 562 00:20:37,153 --> 00:20:40,573 If there's any dirty trick that I cannot stand, it is honesty. 563 00:20:40,657 --> 00:20:43,076 And support of my amazing wife, Chrissy. 564 00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:46,246 We got out the other side stronger than ever. 565 00:20:46,621 --> 00:20:49,082 Strong enough for me to tell you this, america. 566 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:53,169 If you can forgive me, then you can vote for me. 567 00:20:53,378 --> 00:20:54,688 Oh, my amazing wife Chrissy, ladies and gentlemen. 568 00:20:54,712 --> 00:20:55,713 (Audience applauding) 569 00:20:55,839 --> 00:20:58,550 There she is, my darlin'. There she is. 570 00:21:00,343 --> 00:21:03,805 I hate confessions, unless they've been beaten out of someone. 571 00:21:03,888 --> 00:21:06,015 Thornhill just ran the thornhill story, 572 00:21:06,141 --> 00:21:08,184 which makes my thornhill story useless. 573 00:21:08,518 --> 00:21:10,353 So now you have to tell me about flotus. 574 00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:12,897 I can't tell you about flotus. Flotus is a no-go-tus. 575 00:21:12,981 --> 00:21:14,357 Then I can run the story on ray. 576 00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:16,276 I can't let you run the story about ray. 577 00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:18,653 But I love you. Does that make everything better? 578 00:21:19,028 --> 00:21:21,406 This is what our marriage is gonna be? This? 579 00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:24,993 It doesn't have to be. Wait, what are we talking about? 580 00:21:25,076 --> 00:21:27,745 There's always gonna be a conflict of interest. 581 00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:30,290 But that's what marriage is, a conflict of interests. 582 00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:32,959 No. Marriage is being able to tell each other everything. 583 00:21:33,042 --> 00:21:34,895 - And finding... - Are you guys fighting? Please don't fight. 584 00:21:34,919 --> 00:21:36,188 Gary, get the hell out of my marriage. 585 00:21:36,212 --> 00:21:37,297 Okay, got it. 586 00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:39,316 Mike, I'm really nervous about all these haircut questions. 587 00:21:39,340 --> 00:21:41,009 - Nobody cares. - Yeah, okay. 588 00:21:41,885 --> 00:21:44,179 We have 11 million illegal immigrants 589 00:21:44,304 --> 00:21:46,556 currently living in the us today. 590 00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:49,142 What do we do about them? Madam vice president? 591 00:21:49,517 --> 00:21:52,312 I have a very clear strategy 592 00:21:52,395 --> 00:21:55,231 that I would like to share with everybody today. Um... 593 00:21:56,483 --> 00:21:59,402 I call it my "three r's." 594 00:21:59,569 --> 00:22:01,029 It's time for the three r's. 595 00:22:01,404 --> 00:22:03,156 They're solid as a rock, rock, rock. 596 00:22:03,239 --> 00:22:06,326 Number one, we need to reform. 597 00:22:06,409 --> 00:22:10,163 But we can't do it without bipartisan support. 598 00:22:10,246 --> 00:22:13,666 And that is something that I am confident, with my experience, 599 00:22:13,750 --> 00:22:15,502 I can absolutely secure. 600 00:22:16,794 --> 00:22:20,757 Number two, we need to reaffirm. 601 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,010 We need to reaffirm our commitment 602 00:22:24,093 --> 00:22:27,805 to highly-skilled, legal immigrant workers. 603 00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:30,725 Number three the, the, uh... 604 00:22:31,142 --> 00:22:32,560 The third r. 605 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,313 Um... uh... 606 00:22:36,481 --> 00:22:38,525 Renew, renew. The third r is renew. 607 00:22:38,608 --> 00:22:40,235 She forgot the third r. 608 00:22:40,318 --> 00:22:41,569 The third r is... 609 00:22:41,653 --> 00:22:43,780 Actually, in fact, let me go back 610 00:22:43,905 --> 00:22:45,949 to "reaffirm," which was number two. 611 00:22:46,032 --> 00:22:47,752 Do we have any snipers? Can we take her out? 612 00:22:47,784 --> 00:22:49,577 You got a gun? I'll do it. 613 00:22:49,661 --> 00:22:52,705 Immigrants whose descendants, of course, run companies. 614 00:22:52,789 --> 00:22:56,709 Successful companies like clovis in silicon valley, 615 00:22:56,793 --> 00:22:58,687 where I had the good fortune to visit earlier... 616 00:22:58,711 --> 00:22:59,963 - Madam vice president? - Yes? 617 00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:01,714 - Your time is nearly up. - Oh, dear. 618 00:23:01,798 --> 00:23:03,633 You mentioned a third r? 619 00:23:03,716 --> 00:23:05,343 Thank you so much, Andrea. 620 00:23:05,426 --> 00:23:08,012 And I'm absolutely, uh, gonna get to that. 621 00:23:08,096 --> 00:23:09,336 Jesus, that is a wicked twitch. 622 00:23:09,472 --> 00:23:10,640 I can't watch this. 623 00:23:10,765 --> 00:23:13,046 Yeah, neither can she, 'cause her fuckin' eyes don't work. 624 00:23:13,101 --> 00:23:14,310 It is... 625 00:23:14,936 --> 00:23:16,521 Uh... repel. 626 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:18,481 That's right. 627 00:23:18,606 --> 00:23:19,625 "Repel"? Why did she say "repel"? 628 00:23:19,649 --> 00:23:21,192 What is it, "talk like a pirate day"? 629 00:23:21,276 --> 00:23:25,905 I mean we need to repel unwanted immigration. 630 00:23:25,989 --> 00:23:29,701 We need to repel criminals, we need to repel obesity, 631 00:23:29,784 --> 00:23:32,078 we need to repel torturers. 632 00:23:32,161 --> 00:23:33,413 I think I've endorsed a Nazi. 633 00:23:33,496 --> 00:23:34,974 That would explain the Hitler haircut. 634 00:23:34,998 --> 00:23:39,627 We need to repel the enemies of america. 635 00:23:39,836 --> 00:23:41,087 (Audience applauding) 636 00:23:41,170 --> 00:23:42,380 Thank you. 637 00:23:45,133 --> 00:23:46,676 Maybe I should have gone with two r's. 638 00:23:46,759 --> 00:23:48,386 Hey, I got three f's for ya. 639 00:23:48,511 --> 00:23:50,930 You're fucked, you fuckin' fucker. 640 00:23:51,014 --> 00:23:53,600 Holy crapcakes! They're loving her. 641 00:23:53,683 --> 00:23:54,851 I know. 642 00:23:54,934 --> 00:23:58,563 It seems every time she says "repel," she attracts more voters. 643 00:23:58,646 --> 00:24:01,065 We have a question now from a member of our audience. 644 00:24:01,149 --> 00:24:02,775 Angela Rodriguez. 645 00:24:02,859 --> 00:24:06,654 Angela: My mom lost her house because the banks refused to lower the rates. 646 00:24:06,738 --> 00:24:08,531 My dad passed away and she had to pay 647 00:24:08,656 --> 00:24:10,408 for the mortgage out of her savings. 648 00:24:10,491 --> 00:24:11,618 Mike: What's he doing? 649 00:24:11,743 --> 00:24:12,928 Angela: Now, my mother lost her house. 650 00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:16,205 Jonah: No, don't look at the twitch. Focus on the "dead dad lady." 651 00:24:17,373 --> 00:24:18,583 Secretary Maddox? 652 00:24:19,083 --> 00:24:20,251 Huh? 653 00:24:20,335 --> 00:24:23,338 Oh, uh... yeah. I'm very sorry to hear 654 00:24:23,463 --> 00:24:26,466 about what happened to your mom, and, uh... 655 00:24:27,467 --> 00:24:31,888 I don't think we should be penalizing any hardworking Americans. 656 00:24:33,514 --> 00:24:35,016 But here's the thing, Andrea. 657 00:24:35,099 --> 00:24:36,726 - Angela. - It is... huh? 658 00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:38,394 Angela. My name is Angela. 659 00:24:38,478 --> 00:24:40,146 Angela. Right, right, right. 660 00:24:40,730 --> 00:24:42,440 There are some loopholes. 661 00:24:42,649 --> 00:24:48,237 What we need to do is to find those loopholes and find out... 662 00:24:49,405 --> 00:24:53,993 Whether are they loopholes or are they legitimate holes? 663 00:24:54,619 --> 00:24:56,019 What the hell is a legitimate hole? 664 00:24:56,079 --> 00:24:57,413 (Laughing) 665 00:24:57,497 --> 00:24:59,332 Well, don't get me started. 666 00:24:59,415 --> 00:25:01,250 Um, lmean... that's the question 667 00:25:01,376 --> 00:25:03,169 that we should be asking ourselves. 668 00:25:03,252 --> 00:25:04,420 If I may? 669 00:25:04,545 --> 00:25:05,731 Moderator: Please be brief, congressman. 670 00:25:05,755 --> 00:25:07,757 With absolute... with regard to holes, 671 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:10,593 and notwithstanding the humor that was poked at me earlier, 672 00:25:10,677 --> 00:25:12,011 and I'm certainly a fan of humor. 673 00:25:12,095 --> 00:25:15,264 Um, can't get by without it, but I think the point about holes 674 00:25:15,348 --> 00:25:17,266 is well taken and sort of circles back 675 00:25:17,392 --> 00:25:19,310 to my point about plug holes earlier. 676 00:25:19,394 --> 00:25:21,020 (Stammering) Well, not quite. 677 00:25:21,104 --> 00:25:24,774 But it... We wanna find those holes or the loopholes. 678 00:25:24,941 --> 00:25:26,109 Just stop saying "hole." 679 00:25:26,275 --> 00:25:27,485 (Laughing) 680 00:25:27,568 --> 00:25:29,112 It's not that bad. It's not that bad. 681 00:25:29,278 --> 00:25:30,863 No, as a "hole," it's not that bad. 682 00:25:30,947 --> 00:25:33,199 But we wanna stay above the hole. 683 00:25:33,282 --> 00:25:34,992 We don't wanna go down the hole. 684 00:25:35,076 --> 00:25:37,328 He's gonna disappear up his own "hole" hole. 685 00:25:37,412 --> 00:25:41,165 If I get your vote, you won't go down that hole. 686 00:25:41,249 --> 00:25:44,335 I wanna bring everybody above the hole. 687 00:25:44,419 --> 00:25:47,797 We all want to live above the hole. 688 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,549 That sounds like a slogan, folks. 689 00:25:49,632 --> 00:25:51,134 (Audience laughing) 690 00:25:51,718 --> 00:25:53,636 And once again, we 'd like to express 691 00:25:53,803 --> 00:25:55,722 our appreciation to each of the candidates. 692 00:25:55,805 --> 00:25:57,640 (Audience cheering) 693 00:25:59,934 --> 00:26:02,478 Oh, well. You didn't get much of a chance to speak, did you? 694 00:26:02,562 --> 00:26:04,442 - Oh, well. (Chuckling) - Remember that third r. 695 00:26:05,106 --> 00:26:08,526 Thornhill, 30%. Selina, second, 25. 696 00:26:08,651 --> 00:26:11,988 Chung, 22, Pierce, 9, Maddox, 8. 697 00:26:12,947 --> 00:26:15,700 Maddox dialed "m" for "murdered himself." 698 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:20,000 Roger: God, look at Pierce. He looks like he just got out of sex prison. 699 00:26:20,079 --> 00:26:21,456 He's not gonna cry, is he? 700 00:26:22,707 --> 00:26:25,293 Now Maddox's daughter is gonna give him the bad news. 701 00:26:25,376 --> 00:26:26,794 "Daddy, you fuckin' blew it!" 702 00:26:26,878 --> 00:26:28,629 "Daddy, I've never been less proud of you." 703 00:26:28,713 --> 00:26:29,714 (Chuckung) 704 00:26:30,089 --> 00:26:32,467 Well, thank god for twitchy. He really saved us. 705 00:26:32,550 --> 00:26:33,718 I love that little guy. 706 00:26:33,801 --> 00:26:36,512 Now he's got to convince everyone the three r's don't stand for 707 00:26:36,596 --> 00:26:38,473 "racist," "right wing," and "racist." 708 00:26:38,765 --> 00:26:42,101 Oh, shit! I'm gonna get so many questions about this hair. 709 00:26:42,185 --> 00:26:43,328 I can give you a ton of lines for this. 710 00:26:43,352 --> 00:26:44,437 Yeah, okay. 711 00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,355 It's not reassuring. (Chuckling) 712 00:26:46,856 --> 00:26:48,691 Jonah: Hey, Dan. Dan. 713 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:52,153 I just want to say I'm sorry if I wasn't very sympathetic 714 00:26:52,236 --> 00:26:55,948 to your, you know, mental head issues. So... I'm sorry. 715 00:26:56,032 --> 00:26:57,450 Fhends? 716 00:26:59,368 --> 00:27:01,788 Go fuck yourself, Jack and the giant freakstalk. 717 00:27:01,871 --> 00:27:03,873 Your team lost, and you should be fitted 718 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,042 with a leper bell, you sinking shit. 719 00:27:09,712 --> 00:27:11,464 Yeah, okay. 720 00:27:11,547 --> 00:27:13,299 Boy, I do not know what I saw in you. 721 00:27:13,382 --> 00:27:16,803 I do. He's a less talented ugly version of me. 722 00:27:16,886 --> 00:27:18,446 He's basically a human comfort blanket. 723 00:27:20,264 --> 00:27:23,559 Remember when I came up with "short hair for the long haul"? 724 00:27:23,643 --> 00:27:25,061 When? What? No. 725 00:27:25,728 --> 00:27:27,522 Cheer up. Coming second is good. 726 00:27:27,605 --> 00:27:29,525 Roger: It's especially true with opening debates. 727 00:27:29,565 --> 00:27:30,650 Also with fucking. 728 00:27:30,775 --> 00:27:31,919 It's not enough. We have to win. 729 00:27:31,943 --> 00:27:34,195 And if you can't stand the heat, buy asbestos panties. 730 00:27:34,278 --> 00:27:36,478 See, now that's the kind of talk that gets me turned on. 731 00:27:36,531 --> 00:27:38,383 We're gonna have another twitch to deal with here. 732 00:27:38,407 --> 00:27:41,035 I wouldn't say "repel" is a strong word. 733 00:27:41,118 --> 00:27:45,957 It can mean also, "to push away gently with respect." 734 00:27:46,499 --> 00:27:48,835 I was pretty disappointed in governor chung's performance, 735 00:27:48,918 --> 00:27:51,754 but I did learn that he used to be a soldier. 736 00:27:51,838 --> 00:27:53,381 Learned that several times. 737 00:27:53,464 --> 00:27:56,300 Mike, I haven't gotten any questions about her hair. 738 00:27:56,384 --> 00:27:57,969 Thank fuckin' god. 739 00:28:00,012 --> 00:28:01,222 Well, the... 740 00:28:01,973 --> 00:28:03,683 The hole is the hole. 741 00:28:03,766 --> 00:28:06,811 And the hole is the hole that people fall into. 742 00:28:06,894 --> 00:28:09,480 And if they fall below the line, they will fall into the hole. 743 00:28:09,564 --> 00:28:12,900 And we want to keep them from falling below the line 744 00:28:12,984 --> 00:28:14,694 and then into the hole or off the map. 745 00:28:14,777 --> 00:28:17,405 Because if they're in the hole, how are you gonna get out?