1 00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:21,582 Dan: Kyle, we need to blow up the veep's visit 2 00:00:21,606 --> 00:00:22,690 to the British pub, okay? 3 00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:25,067 We are running some reverse my fair lady shit here. 4 00:00:25,276 --> 00:00:26,587 We're showing she's a regular gal. 5 00:00:26,611 --> 00:00:27,778 Mark, the memorial. 6 00:00:28,279 --> 00:00:30,281 We need a ton of coverage. 7 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:32,033 It's 100 years from world war I, 8 00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:33,951 selina's back in black, she's looking good, 9 00:00:34,035 --> 00:00:36,370 and it's "good mourning, america" mourning with a "u." 10 00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:39,123 Sue. 11 00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:42,210 I need you to get selina a meeting with prince Charles, 12 00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:43,878 that 65-year-old fuckin' intern. Okay? 13 00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:46,714 Dan, if you want to get into the palace at short notice, 14 00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:49,050 you're going to have to storm it yourself! 15 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:52,053 Okay, sue, listen. This is me, campaign manager, 16 00:00:52,136 --> 00:00:55,431 telling you, schedule woman, to just, you know, make that happen. 17 00:00:55,598 --> 00:00:56,598 All right, all right. 18 00:00:56,641 --> 00:01:00,436 Someone get me the prince of wales' private secretary on the phone, stat. 19 00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:03,189 Tough call. Then again, you're a tough caller. 20 00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:06,901 Selina: Wonderful, wonderful. 21 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:08,986 Hey. Listen. I am thrilled to be here 22 00:01:09,070 --> 00:01:10,529 looking presidential, of course. 23 00:01:10,613 --> 00:01:12,507 But what about potus? Is there any more news from him? 24 00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:15,302 No, he definitely wanted to come. He had to stay and close the China deal. 25 00:01:15,326 --> 00:01:17,036 He had tickets for a west end musical. 26 00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:20,081 Something with a duck or a ghost. I don't remember. 27 00:01:20,164 --> 00:01:21,916 Hey, is flotus having an affair? 28 00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:24,144 - Not that I would blame her. - Gary: Have you seen her lately? 29 00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:25,928 - She's lost a lot of weight. - A lot, right? 30 00:01:26,087 --> 00:01:28,089 Her neck is like stretched cheese. 31 00:01:28,172 --> 00:01:29,274 - Yeah, it looks bad now. - Right? 32 00:01:29,298 --> 00:01:30,341 - Bad. - It's gone bad. 33 00:01:30,466 --> 00:01:33,010 Selina: Hello again, Mr. Ambassador. 34 00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:34,095 And you know 35 00:01:34,178 --> 00:01:36,097 Peter Mitchell, deputy prime minister? 36 00:01:36,347 --> 00:01:37,682 Yeah, we met in Hong Kong. 37 00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,684 Heroin and Chinese food. 38 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,407 Noodles and needles. 39 00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:43,020 It was actually 40 00:01:43,104 --> 00:01:45,398 the solar energy summit in Stockholm. 41 00:01:45,481 --> 00:01:47,275 That's the one, that's the one. Same vibe. 42 00:01:48,526 --> 00:01:51,445 100 years since the great war is so my area, Amy. 43 00:01:51,529 --> 00:01:53,072 How does this sound? "In four years, 44 00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:54,824 "16 million perished. 45 00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:56,826 "In the silent aftermath, 46 00:01:56,909 --> 00:01:59,287 "towns grieved for their fallen young men." 47 00:01:59,370 --> 00:02:00,538 This is my masterpiece. 48 00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,957 I mean, I'm nailing pathos to the fricking wall here. 49 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,836 Death, glory, folly, tragedy. It's got the four main mood groups. 50 00:02:06,919 --> 00:02:08,021 So have you set up the secret 51 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:10,172 transatlantic security organization meeting 52 00:02:10,256 --> 00:02:12,567 - with the German chancellor? - Amy: Mmm-hmm. At the cathedral. 53 00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:14,751 She can lie to the brits and go straight to confession. 54 00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:17,430 The brits are gonna be unhappier. 55 00:02:17,763 --> 00:02:19,515 I need a stiff fuckin' drink. 56 00:02:19,724 --> 00:02:22,143 In related news, Ray's talking. 57 00:02:22,226 --> 00:02:23,786 - Oh, god. To smart people? - Ben: Yeah. 58 00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:25,938 He's currently with a woman from the bank of england. 59 00:02:26,022 --> 00:02:28,274 It's like watching a goat trying to use an atm. 60 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,985 You know, because money is just a concept. 61 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:33,696 You know, we believe in it because we're too scared not to. 62 00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:35,406 There's no intrinsic value to it. 63 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,329 - It's not like muscles in your arms. - Well... 64 00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:40,077 Okay, I think that's quite a superficial analysis. 65 00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:41,441 You know what "intrinsic" means? 66 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,873 - Yeah. - Yeah, I try to learn a word a day. 67 00:02:44,415 --> 00:02:46,542 I love words very ardently. 68 00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:50,087 Yeah. Sorry, who are you again? 69 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:52,214 The transatlantic security organization 70 00:02:52,298 --> 00:02:54,759 that's going to Frankfurt and not here? Because_. 71 00:02:54,925 --> 00:02:57,595 Honestly, we haven't made a decision about that yet. 72 00:02:57,678 --> 00:03:00,306 Right. And I hope that "honestly" 73 00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:03,509 isn't one of those words that's lost its meaning whilst traveling the Atlantic. 74 00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:07,480 What about the censure vote in the house of commons tomorrow? 75 00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:08,707 How do you think that's gonna go? 76 00:03:08,731 --> 00:03:10,274 - On spying? - Mmm-hmm. 77 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,485 - It'll be defeated. - Oh, good. 78 00:03:12,568 --> 00:03:14,168 But then you probably know that already. 79 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,782 I'm relieved to hear that. I really am. 80 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:20,368 You know, 'cause the us. Doesn't spy on its allies. 81 00:03:20,451 --> 00:03:22,536 - Now I'm relieved. - We collect data. 82 00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:24,080 - Same thing. - Oh. No. 83 00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:25,873 No? Gary, what do you think? 84 00:03:28,459 --> 00:03:29,459 Well, I... 85 00:03:29,502 --> 00:03:32,004 Gary likes to keep his cards close to his chest. 86 00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:33,273 - Yeah. - Gary: Yeah. 87 00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:34,882 No, please, do share. 88 00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:36,759 I'm just "collecting data." 89 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,260 Yeah. 90 00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:43,224 Um, I think it's very nuanced. 91 00:03:43,307 --> 00:03:46,060 And I think there's a lot of different sides 92 00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:49,522 to a lot of different topics that are out there 93 00:03:49,605 --> 00:03:50,898 that I think we could... 94 00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:52,733 Gary, I need that lipstick. 95 00:03:52,817 --> 00:03:54,652 - Thank you so much. - Mmm-hmm. Yeah. 96 00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:57,130 Madam out there hobnobbing... 97 00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:58,632 Us here in the servants' quarters. 98 00:03:58,656 --> 00:03:59,740 It's like downton Abbey. 99 00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:02,284 "Mcclintock, lady selina wishes to eat 100 00:04:02,368 --> 00:04:04,370 "a cornish pasty in the paddock this evening. 101 00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:05,621 "Post-haste, you bugger!" 102 00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:07,248 I love that voice. 103 00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:09,583 It makes me feel inadequate and horny. The dream. 104 00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:13,879 Ray, I don't know if you've met the deputy prime minister. 105 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,256 - Ray whelans. - Pleasure. 106 00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:16,882 - Wellness consultant. - Vvehness? 107 00:04:17,216 --> 00:04:19,802 Oh, like a fitness chap? 108 00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:22,596 - I'm also a businessman and an author. - An author? 109 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:23,973 Would I know any of your titles? 110 00:04:24,056 --> 00:04:26,308 "60-day shred." 111 00:04:26,392 --> 00:04:29,103 "Get a bod like god," 112 00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:31,105 "my name is ray, you're okay," 113 00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:32,940 "the greater glory in 20 days"... 114 00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:35,109 Ray, I need Gary. 115 00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:36,569 - Okay. - Yeah. 116 00:04:36,694 --> 00:04:38,154 Yes, I've seen the numbers, Kent. 117 00:04:38,237 --> 00:04:39,989 I know that she's bleeding blue collars. 118 00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:42,491 So we're gonna make her look fucking folksy in a London pub. 119 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,244 Wasn't it Oscar wilde who said, 120 00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:47,621 "Dan's a fucking terrible campaign manager"? 121 00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:50,624 I would like to shoot him, but there are no guns in this country. 122 00:04:50,708 --> 00:04:51,834 Yeah. 123 00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:59,467 Jonah: Steven, this is Jonah Ryan reporting to team Maddox. 124 00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:01,486 I'm in London town, 125 00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:03,947 and it's going to be a "right royal cockney barrel of turnips" 126 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:06,807 when I dish the dirt on selina meyer. 127 00:05:07,558 --> 00:05:09,327 Yes, sir, I'll stop using the accent. 128 00:05:09,351 --> 00:05:10,519 Kent: Hello, Jonah. 129 00:05:12,146 --> 00:05:14,106 Hello, sir. 130 00:05:14,190 --> 00:05:16,442 Just buying some tickets for madame tussauds. 131 00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,152 You're an imbecile. 132 00:05:21,697 --> 00:05:24,074 Selina: What a charming little pub. 133 00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:27,536 I have to say, this is just the most delightful place. 134 00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:30,581 I can imagine Harry Potter getting loaded in here. 135 00:05:30,748 --> 00:05:32,748 Peter: Right, yes. Although, well... 136 00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:34,502 Well, he's a small child, 137 00:05:34,585 --> 00:05:36,003 so, underage. But... 138 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,566 Oh, right. Yes, of course. Of course. 139 00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:40,883 Although I think the actor is quite a grown man. 140 00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:43,385 The actor, yes. But the original, the literary version, 141 00:05:43,469 --> 00:05:45,804 which, of course, is the fictional story of a child witch. 142 00:05:45,888 --> 00:05:48,599 So, would very much still be considered a minor. 143 00:05:49,058 --> 00:05:51,018 Right. Actually, I think it's a wizard. 144 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:52,645 - Yeah. - Yeah, right. 145 00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,271 Same. 146 00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:55,995 Selina: So, you are the owner of the pub? 147 00:05:56,065 --> 00:05:57,775 Amy, the "emu" has landed. 148 00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,026 Jonah's in London. 149 00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:00,611 Amy: Oh, shit. 150 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,029 Maddox must have sent him here 151 00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:04,490 to spy or something. Ha. 152 00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:06,784 "Jonah bond, double-o-fuck off." 153 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,053 I'll see you at the press conference. 154 00:06:08,077 --> 00:06:09,077 What? 155 00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:10,246 I'm also here. 156 00:06:10,621 --> 00:06:12,039 Have you been here a long time? 157 00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:14,375 Oh, I've been running this gaff for 25 years. 158 00:06:14,458 --> 00:06:16,228 - I've lived around here me whole life. - I see. 159 00:06:16,252 --> 00:06:17,628 Born and bred west ham fan. 160 00:06:18,629 --> 00:06:21,215 What kind of ham did you say? 161 00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:22,758 West ham united. 162 00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:24,301 They're my local team. 163 00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:25,635 - Football. - Oh! 164 00:06:25,678 --> 00:06:27,137 Of course, football. Right. 165 00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:29,014 We call that soccer, actually. 166 00:06:29,098 --> 00:06:30,182 No, here, football. 167 00:06:30,683 --> 00:06:32,309 Right. We have football there. 168 00:06:32,393 --> 00:06:35,145 And I'm wondering actually what do you call, what we call soccer? 169 00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:36,480 That's one thing I don't... 170 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,607 - Yeah. Football. - Right. Great. 171 00:06:38,691 --> 00:06:40,526 So, uh, what are you having, ma'am? 172 00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:41,986 Uh-huh. What am I having? 173 00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:44,488 What would you recommend that I have at this lovely place? 174 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,907 Oh. Uh, how about a nice Pinot noir? 175 00:06:46,991 --> 00:06:48,576 Oh, that sounds divine. 176 00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:51,036 I'mjoking. No, that's... he won't... 177 00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:52,580 I think to me, you look like 178 00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:53,956 a bitter person, 179 00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:55,374 maybe. 180 00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:58,294 Which is a type of beer. Don't worry. 181 00:06:58,377 --> 00:06:59,378 It's just a joke. 182 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:00,921 Just playing. 183 00:07:01,005 --> 00:07:02,256 Bitter is a horrible beer. 184 00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,508 Well, she's gonna drink it and she's gonna smile, Gary. 185 00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:06,820 - Okay, I've got some peppermints. - Ray: I've got digestive enzymes. 186 00:07:06,844 --> 00:07:08,884 Do you want me to just put that in my bag? Oh, okay. 187 00:07:09,305 --> 00:07:10,657 So would you like to do the honors, ma'am? 188 00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:12,361 - Selina: I'm not sure... - Pulling a pint? 189 00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,452 - Dan: Yes, yes. - Yes, I would. I'd absolutely love to do that. 190 00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:15,996 Well, stroll on down and I'll show you how. 191 00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:17,163 Mike: Okay, gang, if you guys want to... 192 00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:20,858 All right, guys. The vice president is now going to "pull a pint." 193 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:23,003 - I just said that. I just said that. - Come on down. 194 00:07:23,027 --> 00:07:25,529 Yep, yep. Ooh. 195 00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:27,281 Okay. Well, cheers. 196 00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:28,866 - Cheers. Cheers. - Cheers. 197 00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:31,994 That's lovely. 198 00:07:38,751 --> 00:07:39,793 Man 1: Hey! 199 00:07:40,336 --> 00:07:42,671 Man 2: Bottoms up, ma'am! Get it down you, selina. 200 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,131 Down in one, sweetheart. 201 00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:45,341 What? What did you say? 202 00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:47,176 - Down in one. - "Daniwah!" Okay! 203 00:07:47,259 --> 00:07:48,469 - "Daniwah!" - "daniwah!" 204 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,805 Daniwah! 205 00:07:51,889 --> 00:07:53,599 - Daniwah! - Daniwah! 206 00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:57,061 They're eating this up. I think we just landed a catchphrase. 207 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,437 They're not saying "daniwah." 208 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,564 They're saying "down in one." 209 00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:01,857 Moron. 210 00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:05,069 Daniwah! 211 00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:08,030 - Make her stop saying that. - Yeah. 212 00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,658 They're laughing at her like a toddler they taught to swear. 213 00:08:10,741 --> 00:08:12,284 Okay, ma'am. Are you feeling okay? 214 00:08:12,368 --> 00:08:14,119 - No. - Yeah, you a little gassy? 215 00:08:14,453 --> 00:08:15,746 Oh, yeah. Like the hindenburg. 216 00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:16,890 I think we're good. I think we're good. 217 00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:18,308 - Let's get out of here. - Dan: Okay. 218 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:19,643 Thank you guys very much for coming out. 219 00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,061 Dan: We really appreciate it. Selina: Daniwah, guys! 220 00:08:21,085 --> 00:08:22,586 - Crowd: "Daniwah!" - Selina: Daniwah! 221 00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:28,735 Amy: Okay, "daniwah" is trending. 222 00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:30,969 It's number two under Kate middleton's bony ass. 223 00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:33,740 You know, I thought it was some sort of a Japanese thing that he was saying. 224 00:08:33,764 --> 00:08:35,099 Yeah, like konnichiwa. 225 00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,183 Hey, ma'am, I ordered 226 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:38,060 a pot of hot tea for your room. 227 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:41,313 I'm not having anything else to drink for the next month. 228 00:08:42,106 --> 00:08:46,735 Siri, how many horses died in the first world war? 229 00:08:46,819 --> 00:08:48,421 Why are you asking that? 230 00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:49,488 For the speech. 231 00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:51,699 No. I'm not talking about horses. 232 00:08:51,782 --> 00:08:54,118 Cancel search, Siri. 233 00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:58,997 Gary: You're gonna look so stunning at the war service, ma 'am. 234 00:08:59,081 --> 00:09:01,241 Those guys are gonna wish they weren't dead. 235 00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:03,961 All right. 236 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,838 Here's the cherry on top of the most 237 00:09:05,921 --> 00:09:08,507 delicious sundae, I must say. 238 00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:12,469 Look how beautiful that is. 239 00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:13,554 Ray: Mmm... 240 00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:15,013 What? 241 00:09:15,097 --> 00:09:16,457 What, do you think the bigger one? 242 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,184 Don't you think the other hat is a little too "hatty"? 243 00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:20,370 I don't know. What do you think? 244 00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:21,395 Ray: I think it's London. 245 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,188 Britain is the kingdom of the hats. 246 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,065 I have never heard that phrase. 247 00:09:25,441 --> 00:09:26,567 It's a well-known phrase. 248 00:09:26,650 --> 00:09:27,651 Is it? 249 00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:30,404 Yeah. 250 00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:32,424 I agree with you. I'm gonna go with the other one. 251 00:09:32,448 --> 00:09:34,259 I'm gonna go with the other one. Yeah, why not? 252 00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:36,160 Maybe I can wear this with something else. 253 00:09:36,285 --> 00:09:37,828 I don't know what else I brought. 254 00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:39,163 Or nothing at all. 255 00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:41,915 - Ooh, what? - What? 256 00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:43,834 I don't know what you mean. 257 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,961 - Ray: Do you know what that means? - Oh, dear. 258 00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,564 Selina: I don't think we have time for this, do we? 259 00:09:47,588 --> 00:09:48,839 Ray: What, horsing around? 260 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,632 Gary: Look at these branches. 261 00:09:50,716 --> 00:09:52,426 It is springtime in here. 262 00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,904 Selina: Gary, close the door behind you. Gary: Sure. Yeah. 263 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,513 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... 264 00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:58,652 All right, guys, I need a plan here. Okay? 265 00:09:59,850 --> 00:10:01,435 I am "Dan with a plan" egan, 266 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,329 so if I can't work, then you can't work, and... 267 00:10:03,353 --> 00:10:05,331 Call him back. We've got to go in there and talk to selina. 268 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,523 I'm just, um... 269 00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:08,567 I was just doing a little role-playing. 270 00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:10,903 Like a Charles manson defense? 271 00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:15,824 Amy: Front of the standard. Mike: Oh. 272 00:10:15,908 --> 00:10:17,719 Amy: You've even managed to get yourself in there. 273 00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:19,203 Nicely done, "obi-wah Kenobi." 274 00:10:20,204 --> 00:10:21,455 No one reads that rag. 275 00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:22,790 That's one paper. 276 00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:24,291 I can handle one paper, guys. 277 00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,685 And you know this about me. All right? 278 00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:26,960 I can chop this thing in two 279 00:10:27,044 --> 00:10:28,844 - like a disputed kitten. - Amy: Oh, pleasant. 280 00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:30,023 Selina: Mike? Mike: Yes, ma'am. 281 00:10:30,047 --> 00:10:31,965 I want to talk to you about this speech 282 00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:33,842 for the world war I service, okay? 283 00:10:33,926 --> 00:10:37,179 Very proud of it, ma'am. I gave this one 100% effort. 284 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,515 As I do everything I write for you. 285 00:10:39,598 --> 00:10:41,558 Okay, I'm not sure about this... Uh... 286 00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:43,143 "To honor all who 287 00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:46,188 "fell in frozen flanders fields 288 00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:48,148 "and hold their memory fresh." 289 00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:51,294 - It's just a little bit too "Effy" for me. - Dan: Yeah. 290 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,087 - Selina: Do you know? - Well, that's kind of the idea, ma'am. 291 00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:54,321 I mean, it's poetic. 292 00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:55,684 Yeah, but we're trying to appeal 293 00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:58,367 to the blue-collar demographic, right? Not the poets. 294 00:10:58,450 --> 00:10:59,910 - I agree. - Gary: Ray agrees. 295 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,454 So, "16 million perished." 296 00:11:02,538 --> 00:11:04,790 No, well they didn't. They died, so just say that. 297 00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:07,543 "The loss, though impossible to adequately comprehend..." 298 00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:09,753 That sentence is impossible to comprehend. 299 00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:11,713 Just say, "hard to understand," you know? 300 00:11:11,797 --> 00:11:13,257 Ray: Plain English. 301 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,092 - I kind of agree. - Selina: Mmm. 302 00:11:15,259 --> 00:11:16,593 I could normalfy this for you. 303 00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:17,845 No. No, no. 304 00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:19,513 No, no, no. Just listen. Just listen. 305 00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,682 He's got sort of a working-class touch, 306 00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:23,165 which is something that's valuable, 307 00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:24,785 and we should listen to it. 308 00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:27,688 Ray: I printed a copy of the speech from the "g" folder. 309 00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:29,523 Why does he have access to the "g" folder? 310 00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,358 I don't even have access to the "g" folder. 311 00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:32,801 Amy: Yes, you do, Mike. We all do. 312 00:11:32,943 --> 00:11:34,528 It's the general file on the icloud. 313 00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,864 Everything was much easier when it was just floppy discs. 314 00:11:36,947 --> 00:11:38,949 Ben: To paraphrase my fair lady, 315 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,118 we need to get to the fuckin' church on time. 316 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,202 One second. So, Mike, 317 00:11:42,286 --> 00:11:43,954 what's your favorite part of this speech? 318 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,237 Okay. This is like gettysburg. 319 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:47,416 "Beneath the..." 320 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,503 "Beneath the dark soil of passchendaele, 321 00:11:51,587 --> 00:11:53,463 "100,000 bodies still lie 322 00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:54,965 "unaccounted for. 323 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:57,301 "Let today be their funeral service 324 00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:59,177 "and we their mourners." 325 00:11:59,344 --> 00:12:01,179 Ray: How about this? 326 00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:04,308 "There's a whole lotta guys who never came home. 327 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,226 "Good guys. 328 00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:07,936 "Here's to those guys." 329 00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:10,063 Holy fuckin' Christ. 330 00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:11,749 - Ben: What is that, ray? - I'm just spitballin'. 331 00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:13,233 No, ray, listen, listen. 332 00:12:13,317 --> 00:12:15,736 I've gotta stick with Mike's words, you understand? 333 00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:17,297 - Totally. - Because it's appropriate. 334 00:12:17,321 --> 00:12:18,447 - Thank you, ma'am. - Ame? 335 00:12:18,530 --> 00:12:19,591 - Amy: Yes? - What's happening with 336 00:12:19,615 --> 00:12:20,908 the German chancellor? 337 00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:23,471 After the speech, you're gonna meet with him in the side chapel 338 00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:24,953 and tell him that potus guarantees 339 00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:26,872 the tso will be in Frankfurt, not London. 340 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,224 Hey, I'm gonna make a phone call 341 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,768 - about that right now. - Selina: Okay. 342 00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:31,376 Uh, where is Gary? 343 00:12:32,336 --> 00:12:33,420 I'm right here. 344 00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:36,006 What? Were you there the whole time? 345 00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:37,966 Yeah, yeah. 346 00:12:40,636 --> 00:12:41,636 Jonah Ryan, Maddox team. 347 00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,998 Amy: Is this "ryantology" Jonah Ryan? 348 00:12:44,056 --> 00:12:45,307 Yeah, one and the same. 349 00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:46,659 I'm a big fan of your website. 350 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:47,683 Well, thank you. 351 00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,046 Actually, I don't run it anymore. 352 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,354 Oh, what a shame. 353 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,689 I was going to give you a story about ray whelans, 354 00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:54,107 selina meyer's trainer? 355 00:12:54,191 --> 00:12:55,317 You know, I do still run it. 356 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,486 I was just looking at one of my feeds right now. 357 00:12:57,569 --> 00:12:59,196 Well, prepare to be astonished. 358 00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:01,239 I'm ready for anything with that accent. 359 00:13:02,741 --> 00:13:04,993 I can't believe ray tried to edit my speech. 360 00:13:05,077 --> 00:13:07,677 I feel like Shakespeare when that monkey tried to make fun of him. 361 00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:08,997 What? 362 00:13:09,081 --> 00:13:10,874 I think that might have been a cartoon. 363 00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,518 All right, let's get on with the remembering thing, 364 00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,102 and I'll finesse the speech in the car. 365 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:15,712 - Ame? - Yeah? 366 00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:18,131 I know ray was a little off on the speech, 367 00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:20,133 but wait till you see the hat he chose. 368 00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:29,101 Selina: "In four fateful years, 369 00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:32,312 "16 million perished. 370 00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:34,940 "This loss, 371 00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:38,110 "though impossible to adequately comprehend..." 372 00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:40,112 This speech is so beautiful. 373 00:13:40,195 --> 00:13:42,114 So beautiful. 374 00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:46,034 "Beneath the dark soil of passchendaele..." 375 00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:49,913 Right after this, selina has to go straight to meet the German chancellor. 376 00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:52,332 I'll hold off that long streak of deputy piss 377 00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:53,625 while she's in there. 378 00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:55,252 Selina: "And we their mourners." 379 00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:59,798 Let's remember the guys who never came home. 380 00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:02,926 Here's to the good guys. 381 00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:07,055 Boy, they were good guys, weren't they? 382 00:14:07,139 --> 00:14:08,515 They were. 383 00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:13,270 - You all right, mate? - Yeah, I'm fine. 384 00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:15,022 Lost your car? 385 00:14:15,105 --> 00:14:17,691 No, no, no. I'm waiting on a guy. 386 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:19,234 Oh, right. 387 00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:20,902 No. I... 388 00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:23,030 I'm not waiting on a guy to have sex with. 389 00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:25,049 I am waiting on a guy to talk... he's a reporter. 390 00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:26,074 Is he? 391 00:14:26,158 --> 00:14:28,577 Look, you wouldn't get it. Yourjacket is fluorescent. 392 00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:30,537 - Oh, I get it, sir. - Really? You do? 393 00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:34,583 Jonah Ryan, Maddox team. 394 00:14:34,666 --> 00:14:36,769 This is Rob from the daily mirror. You've got a story? 395 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:38,003 Hey, where are you? 396 00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:40,172 Why do you want to meet in a fucking car park? 397 00:14:40,255 --> 00:14:41,381 I don't know, I just thought 398 00:14:41,465 --> 00:14:42,799 "Watergate, deep throat." 399 00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:44,843 No. You son of a... 400 00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,470 Look, let's just meet in a pub. 401 00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:49,222 How about a coffee? 402 00:14:51,475 --> 00:14:53,894 Eight pounds for two coffees? Thank you, america. 403 00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:56,021 I could get four pints of ruddles for that. 404 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,189 Okay, 405 00:14:57,272 --> 00:14:58,565 check this out. 406 00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:01,735 The vice president is fucking her personal trainer. 407 00:15:02,694 --> 00:15:03,987 Ooh. 408 00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:06,990 No. Not really interested. 409 00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:08,241 Is this all you have? 410 00:15:08,325 --> 00:15:11,078 No, I've got a super hot British source with a super sexy voice. 411 00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:12,871 She sounds like Mary poppins on all fours. 412 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:15,415 You do realize Mary poppins would be over 100 by now? 413 00:15:15,499 --> 00:15:17,268 Yeah, and I'd love to sweep her chimney. 414 00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:18,293 You know what I mean? 415 00:15:19,002 --> 00:15:20,712 No. Shall we just go to the pub? 416 00:15:20,796 --> 00:15:22,148 There's one over there, they'll do a shit coffee. 417 00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:23,673 No, no, no. See, here's the thing. 418 00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:26,134 This guy ray, he had a blog a couple of years ago, right? 419 00:15:26,343 --> 00:15:27,427 But it got deleted. 420 00:15:27,511 --> 00:15:28,804 So I did some research... 421 00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:31,014 - So you googled it. - No, I didn't just Google it. 422 00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,266 I found this thing called the "Internet archive"... 423 00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:34,559 So you googled it. 424 00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:36,843 I googled "Internet archive," yes, and I found it there. 425 00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:38,772 - But, on the Internet archive. - Yeah. 426 00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:41,733 - I found screen grabs of his old blog, right? - Mmm-hmm. 427 00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:43,568 What ray said was, and I quote, 428 00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:47,197 "obesity is a punishment for sins committed in a previous life. 429 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,282 "Fat people have to learn self-discipline 430 00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:53,120 "until they are rid of the demon that lives within them." 431 00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:54,871 - Oh, hello. - Yeah. 432 00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:56,939 What do you have to say about that? 433 00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:58,374 "Daniwah!" 434 00:15:58,416 --> 00:15:59,626 Excuse me one second. 435 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,837 - Ben. - Peter. Great service. 436 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,713 Yes, it was very moving. 437 00:16:04,214 --> 00:16:08,385 I thought the vice president's speech was quite excellent. 438 00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:11,138 You don't happen to know her whereabouts, do you? 439 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,682 She's on the phone. State department. 440 00:16:14,057 --> 00:16:15,267 Right. 441 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,979 I saw the German chancellorjust now heading 442 00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:20,856 toward the lady chapel. 443 00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:23,984 Yeah. 444 00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:27,320 Um. He was going in there to pray privately. 445 00:16:27,404 --> 00:16:29,531 I overheard him speaking to one of his aides. 446 00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:32,909 You overheard. You speak German? 447 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:34,828 Yes. 448 00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:37,539 Ja, as they say in Germany. 449 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:41,126 My German's a little bit rusty, I must admit. 450 00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:43,128 Oh, god. So is mine. 451 00:16:44,296 --> 00:16:46,798 Ich muss wieder zur schule gehen. 452 00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:50,886 Absolutely. 453 00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:52,429 Good times. 454 00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:55,098 - At school? - What? 455 00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:57,559 I said, "I should go back to school." 456 00:16:57,642 --> 00:17:00,729 Yes. Well, the thing about German is 457 00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:02,373 - once it's with you, it stays with you. - Mmm-hmm. 458 00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:04,983 It's like riding ein bike. 459 00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:09,821 Is the vice president in the lady chapel with the German chancellor? 460 00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:12,365 No, I told you before, she's on the phone. 461 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:14,868 Okay. 462 00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:17,537 Okay, because is that not quite clearly her hat? 463 00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,418 No, I don't think it is. 464 00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:24,711 No, that's not her hat. 465 00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,129 I think it is her hat. 466 00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,673 It's definitely her hat. 467 00:17:28,757 --> 00:17:30,318 I'll tell you how I know, because I remember 468 00:17:30,342 --> 00:17:34,054 when I first saw it, thinking to myself, "what a hideous hat." 469 00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:37,432 It is like she stuck her head in a swan and it's exploded. 470 00:17:39,976 --> 00:17:41,311 I don't believe it is, sir. 471 00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:44,147 Well, du iiigst. 472 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:46,608 Hilarious. 473 00:17:46,691 --> 00:17:47,859 It means "you're lying." 474 00:17:47,943 --> 00:17:48,985 I know. 475 00:17:50,862 --> 00:17:54,282 Okay. Okay, so we're all perfectly comfortable standing here 476 00:17:54,366 --> 00:17:56,826 pretending that we can't quite clearly see the vice president 477 00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:59,871 in the lady chapel with the German chancellor 478 00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:02,165 finalizing a deal about the tso? 479 00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:08,088 I wouldn't say "comfortable." 480 00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:09,631 Mike: Maybe that's her hat? 481 00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,633 I'll see you at the press conference. 482 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,428 Okay, so, unelected loony 483 00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:18,098 has the ear and minge of the vice president. 484 00:18:18,181 --> 00:18:20,809 And he says that fat people... no, fat kids... 485 00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:23,270 Fat kiddies have "sinned" in a past life. Yes. 486 00:18:23,353 --> 00:18:25,689 Yeah. You know how upsetting that's gonna be to fat people? 487 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,315 All of america is fat people. 488 00:18:27,399 --> 00:18:28,483 That's all we have. 489 00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:31,569 All of our children weigh 300 fucking pounds. 490 00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,297 We've got fat kids too. I've got a fat kid. 491 00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:35,323 Well, I can see her... I mean, that's... 492 00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:36,950 She's... 493 00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:38,511 Right. We'll ambush the vice president. 494 00:18:38,535 --> 00:18:41,454 We'll get photos of her being surrounded by fat kids dressed as devils. 495 00:18:41,538 --> 00:18:42,831 - Seriously? - Yeah. 496 00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:44,708 Oh, my god. You guys are fucking brutal. 497 00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:46,185 This calls for a celebration. 498 00:18:46,209 --> 00:18:48,129 Come on, I'll give you the first pint, at least. 499 00:18:53,383 --> 00:18:56,263 Peter: And, of course, those volunteers who tend the war cemetery graves. 500 00:18:57,554 --> 00:18:59,639 Let's take some questions. 501 00:18:59,723 --> 00:19:01,349 Nick Hadley, daily express. 502 00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:03,184 - Selina: Okay. - Madam vice president, 503 00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:05,812 can you comment on the breaking story 504 00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:08,148 about your personal trainer, 505 00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:09,482 ray whelans? 506 00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:12,319 Or would you like to comment? 507 00:19:12,402 --> 00:19:13,862 Selina: Well, /don't know 508 00:19:13,945 --> 00:19:16,031 what story it is you're referring to. I'm so sorry... 509 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,116 Hadley: He wrote an essay saying, 510 00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:21,161 "obese children are possessed by the devil 511 00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:23,580 "as a punishment for past sins." 512 00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:25,290 Selina: Uh, wow... 513 00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:26,666 Goodness. I... 514 00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:28,084 Way to go, Dan. 515 00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:30,545 - Way to go, ray. - Yeah, just throw the blame around. 516 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,108 Not at me, though. It's not my fault. 517 00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:33,816 Your source? I don't know anything about it. 518 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,216 Hadley: The essay's online, here. 519 00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:37,010 Is it? Okay. 520 00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:38,928 That is a thoroughly bizarre story. 521 00:19:39,054 --> 00:19:40,805 It's called "cosmic balance." 522 00:19:40,889 --> 00:19:42,616 It's not anything the Buddha didn't talk about. 523 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,768 Yeah, well, Buddha's got a big fat ass, ray. 524 00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,853 I believe in Karma. 525 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:48,897 - Does that make me weird? - All: Yes! 526 00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:51,024 Hadley: It just has quotes leaping out. Here's one. 527 00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:54,152 "Body fat stores all that is bad in us. 528 00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:57,322 "Too much, and the host is enveloped in sin." 529 00:19:58,656 --> 00:19:59,908 Guys, I wrote a treatise 530 00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:02,428 a couple of years ago. I write a lot of treati. 531 00:20:02,452 --> 00:20:03,536 It's treatises, ray. 532 00:20:03,620 --> 00:20:04,829 The normal plural. 533 00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,515 - Hello? - Jonah: Hey, I just wanted 534 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:07,832 to say thanks for the lead, 535 00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:10,126 - "me olde pearly queen." - My pleasure. 536 00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:11,461 Another? 537 00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:13,546 Two more. Two pints, please. 538 00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:14,881 I was wondering if you were 539 00:20:14,964 --> 00:20:16,633 available this evening by chance 540 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,396 you would like to join me for some dinner. 541 00:20:18,426 --> 00:20:19,969 I've found a very charming gastropub. 542 00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:22,305 That sounds lovely. Brilliant. 543 00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:24,599 Text the details to my cell, mobile. 544 00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,059 So this idea that 545 00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:27,477 "fat is fate," 546 00:20:27,644 --> 00:20:28,812 that's nonsense, is it? 547 00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:30,688 I am certain that 548 00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:34,234 the deputy prime minister would like to move on now 549 00:20:34,317 --> 00:20:36,569 to the matters at hand. 550 00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:37,654 Oh, uh... 551 00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:38,905 I think we're in it now. 552 00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,407 I think we probably should, 553 00:20:40,490 --> 00:20:41,908 maybe, see this through to the end. 554 00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:43,326 Ben: What's going on? 555 00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:44,494 Well, where is she? 556 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:45,745 Yeah, I got this. 557 00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:47,038 I got this. I can... 558 00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:49,749 Here's what we're gonna do. 559 00:20:49,833 --> 00:20:52,001 We are gonna go big on prince Charles. 560 00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:53,503 No, no, scratch that. 561 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:54,814 - We're gonna cancel Charles. - Kent: What? 562 00:20:54,838 --> 00:20:56,256 We're canceling Charles, okay? 563 00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:57,674 Do you hate fat people? 564 00:20:58,007 --> 00:20:59,967 You know what, let me just put this to rest, okay? 565 00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:04,722 I have always been a friend of the Full-figured folks. 566 00:21:04,848 --> 00:21:06,808 Okay, my pretend friends. 567 00:21:06,891 --> 00:21:08,268 I got to go back to DC. 568 00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:09,769 Something very big has happened 569 00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:11,187 and I've got to be there. 570 00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:12,647 - Amy: What is it? - Daniwah! 571 00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:13,791 - Daniwah. - Amy: What's that? 572 00:21:13,815 --> 00:21:14,816 Ray: Daniwah. 573 00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:18,820 Ray: Easy, buddy. 574 00:21:18,903 --> 00:21:21,006 - Amy: Hey, hey, hey! - Get your hands off me, all right? 575 00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:22,842 - I don't want to catch your fucking idiocy. - Amy: Okay. 576 00:21:22,866 --> 00:21:24,951 - I can... - Whoa! 577 00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:27,304 Gary: Oh, he's having a heart attack. Are you having a heart attack? 578 00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:28,806 Amy: No, I think he'sjust having a breakdown. 579 00:21:28,830 --> 00:21:31,416 - I think this is, like, indigestion or something. - Mike: Easy. 580 00:21:31,916 --> 00:21:34,377 I don't think I should have eaten that scotch egg. 581 00:21:34,461 --> 00:21:36,147 Is that that egg with the sausage wrapped around it? 582 00:21:36,171 --> 00:21:37,464 Never mind. Not important. 583 00:21:37,547 --> 00:21:39,387 Kent: Ray, I need to speak with you privately. 584 00:21:39,466 --> 00:21:40,550 Mike, 585 00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:41,676 you're in charge. 586 00:21:43,344 --> 00:21:44,429 Yes, sir. 587 00:21:44,512 --> 00:21:46,514 Oh, my god, Mike. 588 00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:48,391 Oh, my god. 589 00:21:48,766 --> 00:21:51,227 I got... I got this, I got this. 590 00:21:52,061 --> 00:21:55,690 Siri, ray whelans' treati. Treatises! 591 00:21:55,773 --> 00:21:56,858 Okay, okay. 592 00:21:57,692 --> 00:21:59,402 People are disturbed by your role. 593 00:21:59,486 --> 00:22:01,988 Yeah, they think folks who are physical can't be cerebral. 594 00:22:02,071 --> 00:22:06,367 They think those two things are separate, that they're not symbiotic. 595 00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:08,161 No, no, you don't understand. 596 00:22:08,244 --> 00:22:09,329 I do, I do. Look, 597 00:22:09,412 --> 00:22:11,998 people think that, you know, "he's a fitness guy, 598 00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:13,500 "how can he know about politics?" 599 00:22:13,583 --> 00:22:14,584 I get you, Kent. 600 00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:18,296 Again, I don't think you do. 601 00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:21,341 People think selina's judgment is bad 602 00:22:21,424 --> 00:22:24,177 if she listens to people like you 603 00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:25,929 whose beliefs are very 604 00:22:26,012 --> 00:22:27,013 - stupid. - Exactly. 605 00:22:27,096 --> 00:22:28,097 People. 606 00:22:28,431 --> 00:22:29,492 You're not getting it. 607 00:22:29,516 --> 00:22:31,809 You know, the brain is a muscle. 608 00:22:32,435 --> 00:22:33,478 No, it isn't. 609 00:22:33,728 --> 00:22:34,771 And I have sympathy. 610 00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:36,648 I do have 611 00:22:36,731 --> 00:22:39,484 deep sympathy for those who struggle with their weight. 612 00:22:39,567 --> 00:22:43,071 And I will go on to say that even I, as a young teenager, 613 00:22:43,154 --> 00:22:44,364 had a bit of a struggle 614 00:22:44,447 --> 00:22:46,991 with my weight as I'm sure 615 00:22:47,075 --> 00:22:50,662 almost everyone here in this room has had 616 00:22:50,745 --> 00:22:52,622 at one moment or another in their life. 617 00:22:59,462 --> 00:23:00,463 I can't feel my hands. 618 00:23:00,547 --> 00:23:02,173 - Do you feel my hands? - No. Yeah. I do. 619 00:23:02,257 --> 00:23:04,151 Okay. I can feel them, but that's not how it works. 620 00:23:04,175 --> 00:23:05,528 I'm googling your symptoms right now. 621 00:23:05,552 --> 00:23:06,553 What are your symptoms? 622 00:23:06,636 --> 00:23:08,972 - Massive pain. - Yeah. Where? In your chest? 623 00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:11,099 Yeah, like right where my hand is clutching. 624 00:23:11,182 --> 00:23:12,422 The pain is right around there. 625 00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:14,203 - I'm trying to help. - Like, under my heart? 626 00:23:14,227 --> 00:23:15,562 Right in the middle... 627 00:23:15,645 --> 00:23:17,397 Do you taste copper? 628 00:23:17,981 --> 00:23:19,792 I think you're having a panic attack. That's what... 629 00:23:19,816 --> 00:23:21,317 No, no, no. 630 00:23:21,401 --> 00:23:22,986 I don't panic. I'm the fucking iceman. 631 00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:24,509 That's why I'm the campaign manager. 632 00:23:25,655 --> 00:23:26,655 Call sue. 633 00:23:26,698 --> 00:23:28,300 What's the codes you put before the number? 634 00:23:28,324 --> 00:23:29,409 0-0-1. U.S. 635 00:23:29,492 --> 00:23:31,303 I just have her name, so I need to memorize the number 636 00:23:31,327 --> 00:23:32,537 before I put the codes in. 637 00:23:32,662 --> 00:23:34,205 Hey, sue? Sorry. Hey, listen... 638 00:23:35,957 --> 00:23:36,958 Gary: Shit. 639 00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:38,963 Female reporter: How much exactly did you weigh? 640 00:23:39,711 --> 00:23:41,814 Okay. Well, at my very biggest, I would say I was probably 641 00:23:41,838 --> 00:23:44,465 roughly around 151 642 00:23:44,549 --> 00:23:46,009 or 152 pounds. 643 00:23:46,092 --> 00:23:49,929 I don't know what that translates to in terms of stones. 644 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:52,307 - That's a lot. - Yeah, heavy. 645 00:23:52,390 --> 00:23:53,975 Is it? That's a lot? Okay. 646 00:23:54,225 --> 00:23:55,685 This is like the queen's China. 647 00:23:55,810 --> 00:23:57,871 Mike: They're never gonna let us back into england again. 648 00:23:57,895 --> 00:23:59,498 We need to research everything ray whelans ever wrote... 649 00:23:59,522 --> 00:24:00,523 Oh, my god! 650 00:24:00,607 --> 00:24:02,084 - It doesn't matter. - It does matter! 651 00:24:02,108 --> 00:24:04,028 This is the fuckin' queen's China! 652 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:07,905 It's been something that's... You know, it's a part... it's my history. 653 00:24:07,989 --> 00:24:11,951 I can't say that I was proud to be as enormous as I was, 654 00:24:12,035 --> 00:24:13,411 but there you have it. 655 00:24:13,494 --> 00:24:16,494 - What are you looking for? - I'm looking for a napkin to at least cover it. 656 00:24:18,374 --> 00:24:20,414 Mike: Behind the curtain. Put it behind the curtain. 657 00:24:24,672 --> 00:24:26,924 You really don't get it, 658 00:24:27,008 --> 00:24:30,136 so I'm going to keep this very simple. You're fired. 659 00:24:31,596 --> 00:24:32,805 Igetyou. 660 00:24:33,348 --> 00:24:35,016 Very simple. 661 00:24:35,892 --> 00:24:37,352 - Yes, it is. - Great. 662 00:24:37,477 --> 00:24:39,395 I'm so pleased we had this talk. 663 00:24:39,479 --> 00:24:41,356 Let's see where we all are in a month or so. 664 00:24:42,482 --> 00:24:43,566 This is amazing. 665 00:24:44,275 --> 00:24:45,693 Thank you. 666 00:24:46,069 --> 00:24:47,737 - Hurry up, Gary. - Shit. 667 00:24:50,114 --> 00:24:51,783 Selina: Oh, my god. 668 00:24:51,866 --> 00:24:55,953 What a fuckin' misery marathon that was. 669 00:24:58,748 --> 00:25:01,125 - Where is everybody? - Dan had a nervous collapse. 670 00:25:01,209 --> 00:25:02,752 Amy's taking him to the hospital. 671 00:25:02,835 --> 00:25:05,505 Ben went back to DC. Kent's firing ray. 672 00:25:05,588 --> 00:25:06,589 And I'm in charge. 673 00:25:08,257 --> 00:25:09,257 Fuck! 674 00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:10,426 I know, right? 675 00:25:10,510 --> 00:25:12,095 I should just go back out there. 676 00:25:13,096 --> 00:25:14,180 Did you see that? 677 00:25:14,263 --> 00:25:15,348 Yep, I saw. 678 00:25:16,516 --> 00:25:20,812 Why am I in London talking about my enormous 679 00:25:20,895 --> 00:25:22,980 jiggly-ass ass? 680 00:25:23,064 --> 00:25:26,943 Ma'am, but people love people who were like fat and they're no longer fat. 681 00:25:27,026 --> 00:25:28,277 - No, they don't. - Gary: Right. 682 00:25:28,611 --> 00:25:30,863 Fat people don't even vote. 683 00:25:30,947 --> 00:25:33,387 They can't even be bothered to get out of the house, you know? 684 00:25:33,866 --> 00:25:35,706 There's no food in the voting booth. 685 00:25:35,952 --> 00:25:36,953 Ma'am, 686 00:25:37,036 --> 00:25:40,540 the house of commons voted to censure us. Data monitoring activities. 687 00:25:41,749 --> 00:25:45,253 And there's five fat kids outside dressed as Satan. 688 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:50,133 Already? 689 00:25:51,217 --> 00:25:52,361 You know what we're gonna do? 690 00:25:52,385 --> 00:25:54,512 We're gonna cancel on prince Charles. 691 00:25:54,595 --> 00:25:55,989 Gary, we're gonna have to get out of here 692 00:25:56,013 --> 00:25:57,306 the back way or something. 693 00:25:59,559 --> 00:26:00,601 - Gary? - Gary: Yep, yep. 694 00:26:07,150 --> 00:26:09,527 Selina: God, I hate this stupid country so much. 695 00:26:09,610 --> 00:26:11,195 Nothing makes sense here, you know? 696 00:26:11,279 --> 00:26:12,631 You ask what temperature it is, 697 00:26:12,655 --> 00:26:15,658 you get some tiny little number. I don't know what... 698 00:26:15,742 --> 00:26:17,368 What? What is that supposed to mean? 699 00:26:17,452 --> 00:26:20,163 Even the plugs here are bigger 700 00:26:20,246 --> 00:26:22,331 than the things that they power. 701 00:26:22,415 --> 00:26:23,684 Okay, ma'am, I've got to say something, 702 00:26:23,708 --> 00:26:25,501 so do not interrupt me. All right? 703 00:26:25,626 --> 00:26:27,271 I will interrupt you whenever I want to interrupt you. 704 00:26:27,295 --> 00:26:29,297 Okay, okay, but this is... 705 00:26:29,380 --> 00:26:31,108 Like right now. If I wanted to interrupt you right now. 706 00:26:31,132 --> 00:26:32,818 Okay. Ray is poison. He's got nothing to do with wellness. 707 00:26:32,842 --> 00:26:35,762 He's a sickness, and you've got him bad, and you've got to get rid of him. 708 00:26:37,013 --> 00:26:39,599 Do you actually think that I don't know that? 709 00:26:39,682 --> 00:26:41,601 I just got "brit-fucked" 710 00:26:41,684 --> 00:26:43,019 by that balloon animal. 711 00:26:43,561 --> 00:26:45,521 Ray's gone. Trust me. 712 00:26:46,981 --> 00:26:49,525 That is such a huge relief. 713 00:26:49,650 --> 00:26:51,611 He was getting into everything, you know? 714 00:26:51,694 --> 00:26:52,694 Yeah, I know, I know. 715 00:26:52,737 --> 00:26:54,280 I mean, my god, 716 00:26:54,363 --> 00:26:56,741 Dan only hired him as a sex slave. 717 00:26:59,869 --> 00:27:00,995 What? 718 00:27:04,207 --> 00:27:05,750 Dan, 719 00:27:05,833 --> 00:27:07,668 he hired ray as a... 720 00:27:07,752 --> 00:27:11,422 As a sex slave, did you not know? 721 00:27:13,466 --> 00:27:14,926 He pimped me out? 722 00:27:15,009 --> 00:27:17,220 Yeah, yeah. 723 00:27:25,228 --> 00:27:26,395 Who knows about this? 724 00:27:27,563 --> 00:27:28,898 Me, Amy and Mike. 725 00:27:28,981 --> 00:27:31,359 - Okay. - And Ben, Kent and sue. Everybody. 726 00:27:31,442 --> 00:27:32,985 Everybody pretty much knows, ma'am. 727 00:27:33,069 --> 00:27:34,278 Give me my phone. 728 00:27:34,403 --> 00:27:36,155 Just give it to me. 729 00:27:36,572 --> 00:27:37,824 Yeah. 730 00:27:37,907 --> 00:27:39,325 Dan is so fired. 731 00:27:43,746 --> 00:27:44,997 Dan: I gotta say, Amy. 732 00:27:45,081 --> 00:27:46,391 You're like an actual friend. I mean, 733 00:27:46,415 --> 00:27:49,061 throughout all this, you know, me being made campaign manager over you, 734 00:27:49,085 --> 00:27:51,104 I mean, you could have been a real bitch, and you've been great. 735 00:27:51,128 --> 00:27:53,464 Well, I guess I'm a team player, so. 736 00:27:53,548 --> 00:27:54,549 Jonah: Knock, knock. 737 00:27:55,424 --> 00:27:56,634 Hey, buddy, how you doing? 738 00:27:57,552 --> 00:27:58,928 Am I hallucinating? 739 00:27:59,011 --> 00:28:00,239 Can I please get some better drugs? 740 00:28:00,263 --> 00:28:01,848 How are you feeling? You doing okay? 741 00:28:01,931 --> 00:28:04,141 What the fuck are you doing here, Jonah? 742 00:28:04,267 --> 00:28:06,394 What, are you molesting coma patients? 743 00:28:06,602 --> 00:28:07,603 Is that a thing? 744 00:28:07,687 --> 00:28:10,273 I might, now. Maybe I'll just put them in some funny hats. 745 00:28:10,481 --> 00:28:13,025 No, I'm just here because I wanted to 746 00:28:13,109 --> 00:28:15,987 tell you how sorry I am that you had a massive nervous breakdown. 747 00:28:16,195 --> 00:28:17,321 Oh, yeah. 748 00:28:17,780 --> 00:28:21,284 I also just wanted to tell you that I'm the one that broke you, 749 00:28:21,617 --> 00:28:24,537 because I broke that personal trainer story, 750 00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:27,080 that was me. 751 00:28:27,123 --> 00:28:28,203 What are you talking about? 752 00:28:28,249 --> 00:28:30,918 Oh, I got a tip from some super hot British chick. 753 00:28:31,002 --> 00:28:32,521 I'm actually going to see her right now. 754 00:28:32,545 --> 00:28:34,171 So those flowers aren't for Dan? 755 00:28:34,255 --> 00:28:35,381 Fuck, no. 756 00:28:35,464 --> 00:28:37,216 No, those are for my filthy Mary poppins, 757 00:28:37,300 --> 00:28:39,528 and I'm gonna give her A "spoonful of sugar." 758 00:28:39,552 --> 00:28:40,761 How delightful. 759 00:28:40,845 --> 00:28:43,222 I have to go, so get well, and... 760 00:28:44,265 --> 00:28:46,809 Ah, on the other hand, 761 00:28:46,893 --> 00:28:49,020 selina just fired you as campaign manager, 762 00:28:49,145 --> 00:28:51,230 so take as long as you need. 763 00:28:51,314 --> 00:28:52,815 Take longer. 764 00:28:55,443 --> 00:28:57,278 Kent: Sue, forgive me. 765 00:28:57,361 --> 00:28:58,463 This is a terrible thing to ask, 766 00:28:58,487 --> 00:29:02,408 but I'm afraid that we're going to have to cancel prince Charles. 767 00:29:02,491 --> 00:29:06,829 Do you realize how difficult and demeaning it was for me to set up that meeting? 768 00:29:06,996 --> 00:29:08,205 And it was a triumph, sue. 769 00:29:08,331 --> 00:29:10,666 You have put me in a hideous situation. 770 00:29:10,750 --> 00:29:12,001 Remotely, I might add. 771 00:29:12,084 --> 00:29:14,754 So from now on, remotely is how we will interact. 772 00:29:15,546 --> 00:29:17,673 Kent: Sue, there's no need to take that tone. 773 00:29:17,757 --> 00:29:21,093 I'm used to a better class of tone, so just... 774 00:29:27,141 --> 00:29:28,285 She had to take another call. 775 00:29:28,309 --> 00:29:29,589 - Uh-huh. - Amy: Of course. Okay. 776 00:29:30,353 --> 00:29:31,479 I have to take this outside. 777 00:29:37,902 --> 00:29:39,630 My flight doesn't leave until tomorrow night, 778 00:29:39,654 --> 00:29:41,948 so I figured it makes sense for me to be on air force two. 779 00:29:43,366 --> 00:29:45,701 Uh. In what world would that make sense? 780 00:29:46,535 --> 00:29:48,663 You need to get on your running machine, 781 00:29:48,746 --> 00:29:49,956 and run away. 782 00:29:50,289 --> 00:29:52,083 Running machines don't go anywhere. 783 00:29:53,376 --> 00:29:54,418 I understand. 784 00:29:54,502 --> 00:29:55,836 I get it. 785 00:29:56,504 --> 00:29:57,505 Kent: Ma'am. 786 00:29:58,798 --> 00:30:00,383 I'm afraid I have some bad news. 787 00:30:00,716 --> 00:30:03,678 Oh, my god. Seriously? 788 00:30:03,761 --> 00:30:06,222 Okay, let's just, 789 00:30:06,347 --> 00:30:07,932 add it to the fucking heap. 790 00:30:08,015 --> 00:30:10,434 The first lady has attempted to take her own life. 791 00:30:12,478 --> 00:30:14,271 Selina: Oh! What? 792 00:30:16,065 --> 00:30:17,065 How? 793 00:30:17,108 --> 00:30:18,985 Overdose of sleeping pills and vodka. 794 00:30:19,068 --> 00:30:21,028 That's why potus sent for Ben. 795 00:30:21,112 --> 00:30:22,632 It was touch and go there for a while. 796 00:30:22,947 --> 00:30:23,948 Selina: Oh... 797 00:30:26,909 --> 00:30:29,787 Really makes you put your own problems into perspective. Doesn't it? 798 00:30:29,870 --> 00:30:30,997 Seriously. 799 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:32,665 It does. 800 00:30:32,748 --> 00:30:34,834 Although your problems are still pretty bad. 801 00:30:34,917 --> 00:30:36,335 Yeah, they are. 802 00:30:37,461 --> 00:30:39,481 Ray: I couldn't help but overhear, but I always thought 803 00:30:39,505 --> 00:30:41,549 that lady was a little damaged. 804 00:30:41,924 --> 00:30:44,260 Jesus fucking Christ. 805 00:30:44,343 --> 00:30:45,469 You're fired. 806 00:30:45,594 --> 00:30:47,096 Okay? Get out. 807 00:30:47,805 --> 00:30:49,932 - Unbelievable. - Selina: Isn't it? 808 00:30:50,683 --> 00:30:52,483 All right, so I think this is the last of it. 809 00:30:52,935 --> 00:30:53,936 Okay. 810 00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:56,164 Wait, wait. What are we gonna do about Dan? 811 00:30:56,188 --> 00:30:58,024 I don't care. He missed the last chopper out. 812 00:30:58,107 --> 00:30:59,442 And, ame? 813 00:31:00,443 --> 00:31:02,194 You are now officially 814 00:31:02,278 --> 00:31:03,738 the new campaign manager. 815 00:31:05,197 --> 00:31:06,699 Yes, ma'am. Thank you. 816 00:31:06,782 --> 00:31:07,783 Selina: Okay. 817 00:31:07,867 --> 00:31:09,261 Mike: So then I'm not in charge anymore? 818 00:31:09,285 --> 00:31:10,453 Correct. 819 00:31:10,578 --> 00:31:12,204 Good, 'cause I could use a nap. 820 00:31:13,956 --> 00:31:15,791 Okay, let's get the merrie olde fuck 821 00:31:15,875 --> 00:31:16,935 out of merrie olde england. 822 00:31:16,959 --> 00:31:19,837 I need to be driven to the airport at "Diana speed," okay? 823 00:31:20,463 --> 00:31:22,298 Just more carefully, though, please. 824 00:31:39,190 --> 00:31:41,067 Jonah: Okay, let's check out your chart. 825 00:31:41,150 --> 00:31:43,819 Let's see how you're doing here. Okay. 826 00:31:44,236 --> 00:31:46,072 All right. "Dan egan, 827 00:31:46,155 --> 00:31:47,865 "67, female. 828 00:31:47,990 --> 00:31:50,034 "Unemployed campaign manager. 829 00:31:50,117 --> 00:31:51,410 "30 different types of semen 830 00:31:51,494 --> 00:31:52,995 "pumped from stomach, 831 00:31:53,162 --> 00:31:54,413 "inverted nipples, 832 00:31:54,497 --> 00:31:56,082 "abnormally high douche readings." 833 00:31:56,165 --> 00:31:57,333 That makes sense. 834 00:31:57,416 --> 00:31:58,584 "Cancer of the soul, 835 00:31:58,667 --> 00:32:02,004 "traces of dog excrement found around the corners of the mouth, 836 00:32:02,171 --> 00:32:04,423 "chronic cretinism, leprosy, 837 00:32:04,507 --> 00:32:05,800 "anal bleeding, 838 00:32:07,676 --> 00:32:09,345 "tiny child balls"?