1 00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:29,113 Mike: Ah, very inspirational speech, ma'am. 2 00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:31,550 Selina: Oh, come on, you wrote it, you can't review it. How are you? 3 00:00:31,574 --> 00:00:33,218 Mike: I meant that you read it very inspirationally. 4 00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:35,369 Yeah, thanks a lot. I love silicon valley. 5 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,205 I love silicon valley! 6 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:39,874 Yeah! Boy, it's a real can-do attitude. 7 00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:41,894 This is what DC must have been like under Jefferson, 8 00:00:41,918 --> 00:00:43,638 except that would have been a horse, right? 9 00:00:44,170 --> 00:00:46,881 Yeah. There's a typo on the home page. 10 00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:49,300 She might have a "great sense of density" for this nation, 11 00:00:49,425 --> 00:00:50,861 but that's not the line we want to push. 12 00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:52,887 - It's up. - What is... oh, meetmeyer? 13 00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:54,096 Meetmeyercom. 14 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:57,391 Everything you wanted to know about selina meyer that we want you to. 15 00:00:57,475 --> 00:01:00,144 You should have changed the name to moneymoneymoneygov. 16 00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:04,065 That's right. It's 5,000 a ticket, and 10,000 to be at the veep's table. 17 00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,775 20,000 and selina sits on your lap. 18 00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:07,711 - What did you just say? - No, not really. 19 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,880 So, what about clovis? When are we doing that? Is that tomorrow? 20 00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:12,740 Yes. That company is worth 4.3 billion. 21 00:01:13,032 --> 00:01:14,551 - I know. - That's more than I make in a year. 22 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,160 Yes. Yes, we will need Wi-Fi. 23 00:01:16,953 --> 00:01:19,789 Gary, what are you doing? You look like a newborn giraffe. 24 00:01:19,872 --> 00:01:21,916 I was just fanning myself with my arm. 25 00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:24,085 - Here, can you take this? It's heavy. - Yeah. Yeah. 26 00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:25,711 You take that. Okay, this way? 27 00:01:25,795 --> 00:01:28,214 Wi-Fi. Do you have that in silicon valley? 28 00:01:28,339 --> 00:01:31,384 This sun is unbelievable. I've got to move the government here. 29 00:01:31,634 --> 00:01:32,969 Oh, you wanna do a selfie? 30 00:01:33,177 --> 00:01:34,762 I call that an ussy. 31 00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:36,597 It's an iPhone joke or something. 32 00:01:36,681 --> 00:01:38,474 And who is this gorgeous thing? 33 00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:40,518 - This is Gracie. - Look, here, look! 34 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,537 She's wearing a campaign button, folks. 35 00:01:42,561 --> 00:01:44,188 - Well, I campaigned for you. - You did? 36 00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:45,439 Yeah, Cassie Langley. 37 00:01:45,523 --> 00:01:47,942 I can't resist a baby. Hello, Gracie. 38 00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:50,672 - Now, how old is she? - I'd say she's eight and a half months. 39 00:01:50,736 --> 00:01:52,381 - She's nine months. - Okay, she's rounding up. 40 00:01:52,405 --> 00:01:54,282 She's crawling. Isn't that about the age... 41 00:01:54,365 --> 00:01:57,201 No, she's been really, really slow to develop, actually. 42 00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:58,661 They've been fracking in our area. 43 00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:00,663 Hydraulic fracturing to extract oil and gas. 44 00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:02,975 - You don't know what it is? - I absolutely know what fracking is. 45 00:02:02,999 --> 00:02:06,043 We just don't know if there's contamination in our homes. 46 00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:08,504 And when you ran, you said that you were pro-environment. 47 00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:10,023 - I am pro-environment. Absolutely. - No, you were. 48 00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,734 Now I don't know what you are, and I feel very, very let down by you. 49 00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:14,027 You know what your mommy and I are doing? 50 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:19,140 We're having a very serious conversation about political issues, aren't we? 51 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,018 And the issues are complex. 52 00:02:22,393 --> 00:02:24,579 You said you were against it, now you're saying you're for it. 53 00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:25,914 I'm just confused. Which one is it? 54 00:02:25,938 --> 00:02:27,815 We need to make that woman go away. 55 00:02:27,898 --> 00:02:29,418 - And I don't mean kill her. - Mike: Kill her. 56 00:02:29,442 --> 00:02:31,378 Who believe that a certain kind of fracking... 57 00:02:31,402 --> 00:02:32,963 I don't think that you know what you are talking about. 58 00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:34,655 I care about my daughter very much... 59 00:02:34,739 --> 00:02:36,240 - Kent: Wrap it up. - I'm trying. 60 00:02:36,324 --> 00:02:38,093 Selina: I believe that children are our future, Cassie. 61 00:02:38,117 --> 00:02:42,955 And they deserve an energy policy that protects the world, okay? 62 00:02:43,039 --> 00:02:46,709 The world in which there is a country called the United States of America. 63 00:02:48,044 --> 00:02:49,920 Mike: Move on. We're moving on. Let's move on. 64 00:02:50,004 --> 00:02:51,189 Excuse me, can I please have my child back? 65 00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:53,066 Selina: Oh, my god, I've got the baby! 66 00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:54,651 - This hurts, this hurts. - No, no, no. The mom. 67 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:57,219 This hurts, this hurts... hi! 68 00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:01,349 She was like a beached whale with one flipper fucking around in the air, 69 00:03:01,432 --> 00:03:03,327 and you were nowhere to push her back in the sea. 70 00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:06,645 I was shutting it down, Amy. Meanwhile, you were watching a baby fill its diaper. 71 00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:09,273 That baby had a mean look in its eyes, like its mama. 72 00:03:09,774 --> 00:03:11,067 - Hey, ma'am? - Uh-huh. 73 00:03:11,150 --> 00:03:13,861 What do you think of a theme, like a west coast feel for tomorrow? 74 00:03:13,944 --> 00:03:15,654 I'm calling this pacific trim. 75 00:03:15,738 --> 00:03:17,156 - You know what trim is? - Yeah? 76 00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:18,657 - It's twat. - Oh, yeah. 77 00:03:18,741 --> 00:03:20,302 So, ma'am, right now, you're at your hotel. 78 00:03:20,326 --> 00:03:23,204 - I know that, yes. - What about this one, Alcatraz-matazz? 79 00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:25,182 - What do you think of that? - They look like two couches. 80 00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:26,707 Couches. Great. No couches. 81 00:03:26,791 --> 00:03:29,960 So, tomorrow morning is clovis. Then you go to yahoo. 82 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:32,880 But remember, while you're there, do not use Google as a verb. 83 00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:35,091 - They yahoo things there. - Okay, bye. 84 00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:38,010 Meetmeyer.com is burning down the house, ma'am, 85 00:03:38,094 --> 00:03:39,178 if that's a good thing. 86 00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:42,390 What about this whole fracking mother with this baby situation? 87 00:03:42,473 --> 00:03:44,409 How bad is it? If we were gonna rate it on a scale 88 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:46,352 of one to, like, fucked, what would you say? 89 00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:47,621 - Well, she's a woman. - Right. 90 00:03:47,645 --> 00:03:48,687 - In her 30s. - Yeah. 91 00:03:48,813 --> 00:03:51,857 You alienate them, and you'll be dead somewhere before New Hampshire. 92 00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:53,401 Oh, my god, I know. 93 00:03:53,484 --> 00:03:55,284 I mean, I lose women and what am I left with? 94 00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:58,989 I'm left with gay latinos and Jews at college, I guess. 95 00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:04,120 Does someone please want to tell me why Danny chung is on this television? 96 00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:07,415 Even selina meyer's supporters are not supporting her. 97 00:04:07,498 --> 00:04:09,875 Now, speaking as a military man, 98 00:04:09,959 --> 00:04:12,145 if you lose the trust of the men and women on the ground... 99 00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:13,355 Dan: I've got to take this fucker out. 100 00:04:13,379 --> 00:04:15,589 I have to succeed where the republican guard failed. 101 00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:17,526 All while doing 10 million other little things. 102 00:04:17,550 --> 00:04:19,051 It is called multitasking, Dan. 103 00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:21,554 I do it every... damn it. 104 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,682 You just typed the word multitasking, didn't you? 105 00:04:25,975 --> 00:04:29,186 Yeah, Amy, fracking lady. Want me to get her in here or shut her down? 106 00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:30,914 What do you want me to do? Tame her or shame her? 107 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,690 Either. Both. And quickly. 108 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:35,151 - Oh, well, this is fuckin' terrible. - I know. 109 00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:36,986 You know, they say all babies are cute, 110 00:04:37,069 --> 00:04:40,109 but whoever "they" are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic. 111 00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:41,824 No, no, I'm not talking about that. 112 00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:44,910 Jonah's got a new post up. And he's getting hits. 113 00:04:44,994 --> 00:04:46,314 Not the kind he deserves, either. 114 00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:49,039 So, the veep's gone to silicon valley of the dolls. 115 00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:50,749 And instead of California dreaming, 116 00:04:50,833 --> 00:04:53,085 she's got 'em California screaming. 117 00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:57,381 And that's why drinking chemical sludge is good for you. 118 00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,133 What? 119 00:04:59,383 --> 00:05:00,944 But I've been drinking that frack water, 120 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,928 and look what it's gone done to my titty milk! 121 00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:05,389 My baby, oh, my baby! 122 00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:11,937 Vice president's office, secure line. 123 00:05:12,188 --> 00:05:14,732 Sue. Sue-ster. 124 00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:17,693 Sue of steel. Sue-sue-sue-dio. 125 00:05:17,776 --> 00:05:19,904 Jonah, get off the line. And then the planet. 126 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,906 Jonah: Sue, have you seen my viral... 127 00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:23,532 Oh, nice. Yeah. 128 00:05:25,326 --> 00:05:27,912 Yes, sir. Kent davison on line three. 129 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:31,123 - Mr. Davison? - Dan-zibar, what's happening? 130 00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:32,416 Hey, have you seen my viral? 131 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:36,253 Dan, we need to break this Cassie bitch, the British dick who invented the Internet, 132 00:05:36,337 --> 00:05:37,338 and anybody in between. 133 00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:40,090 - Yeah, yeah. What about Jonah? - Jonah? Here. 134 00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:42,384 Hey, fucking pencil neck. 135 00:05:44,637 --> 00:05:46,573 He just swallowed his phone in fear. 136 00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:49,934 - Look, Dan, fix this. - I will get right on it, sir. 137 00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:52,436 Then we'll hit O'Malley's at 8:00 for a beer or 10. 138 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:55,481 I'd ask Mike, but he's too happy now that he's married. 139 00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:58,567 - Oh, thank you. I look foward to that. - Too happy. 140 00:05:59,777 --> 00:06:02,613 It's obvious that I would make the best campaign manager. 141 00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:04,508 I'm not asking you to tell her that, 142 00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:06,909 but please, would someone fuckin' tell her that? 143 00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:11,288 Take it from me, Dan, in a couple of months on this job, 144 00:06:11,372 --> 00:06:15,251 you'll go from those six-pack abs to this keg. 145 00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:19,380 I haven't seen my penis since the first Gulf war, 146 00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:21,715 and I kinda miss the little guy. 147 00:06:21,966 --> 00:06:24,093 I mean, I know that I can do it. 148 00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:28,013 So how low can you go, Dan egan? 149 00:06:28,097 --> 00:06:30,307 How down and dirty are you willing to get? 150 00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:31,432 Pretty grubby. 151 00:06:31,475 --> 00:06:33,894 I would definitely need regular showers, for sure. 152 00:06:33,978 --> 00:06:37,773 If someone brought you this chung Iraq thing, 153 00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:41,151 you'd just tell 'em it's fuckin' bullshit, which it is. 154 00:06:41,318 --> 00:06:43,070 What chung Iraq thing? 155 00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:46,991 You know how chung just bores the shit out of you, right? 156 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,827 Well, it seems his unit in Iraq 157 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:52,496 did that to some poor slob with a drill. 158 00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:56,208 But that's, you know, it's just nut fluff. 159 00:06:56,834 --> 00:06:58,836 I mean... 160 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:02,006 That's unusable, don't you think? 161 00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:04,341 Yeah. 162 00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:06,844 Hey, could we get two more? 163 00:07:06,969 --> 00:07:08,721 Yeah, and a couple of whiskey chasers? 164 00:07:08,846 --> 00:07:12,391 It's still Tuesday for another six minutes. 165 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,650 Amy: Mike, I am balls deep in this omelet. 166 00:07:21,734 --> 00:07:25,070 Can you please call this Cassie woman and invite her to Washington already? 167 00:07:25,154 --> 00:07:27,740 How come I don't have a "tell what to do guy"? 168 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,867 - Amy? Amy? - Hmm? 169 00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:32,870 - Did you see that hot guy? - No. 170 00:07:32,995 --> 00:07:34,622 He just came out of Gary's room. 171 00:07:34,747 --> 00:07:36,165 - No. - Yeah. 172 00:07:36,248 --> 00:07:38,125 - What are you... - What is going on with that? 173 00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:40,008 - No, he... another room or something. - Yeah. 174 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:41,211 Gary: Hi! 175 00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:44,840 Hey, is that egg whites or is it... 176 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,301 - It's an egg white. - That? Well, it's a few egg whites. 177 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:49,637 - Right, and some broccoli. - Gary: You good? 178 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:50,804 You excited about clovis? 179 00:07:50,888 --> 00:07:52,014 Selina: Sure. 180 00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:55,017 Ma'am, I want you to bring your a-game to the Craig jergensen meet. 181 00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:57,519 He's rich, as in wipe-out-the-deficit rich. 182 00:07:57,603 --> 00:07:58,854 - Selina: How old is he? - 26. 183 00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:01,190 Selina: Oh, my god. See, that's wrong. That's too young. 184 00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:04,902 No, you shouldn't make your first million until you're in your 30s. 185 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,988 That's what Andrew and I did. It kept us completely grounded. 186 00:08:08,072 --> 00:08:09,198 Yeah. 187 00:08:09,782 --> 00:08:11,462 Selina: Oh, isn't this nice? 188 00:08:12,368 --> 00:08:14,453 Mike: Oh, poor kids, they don't realize 189 00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:16,830 they're all gonna be executed by the time they turn 30. 190 00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:18,749 Wow, look at... oh, look here. 191 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,503 Madam vice president, welcome to clovis. 192 00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:25,506 Melissa, so good to see you. Melissa conners, chief financial officer. 193 00:08:25,798 --> 00:08:29,968 I am the oldest person at clovis by five years. I feel ancient. 194 00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,680 You must be 12 years old, then. 195 00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,807 I'm not, no. 196 00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:37,434 No, no, this is Amy brookheimer, my chief of staff. 197 00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,937 - We know all about you, Amy. - Hmm. 198 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:42,022 - Let me show you clovis. - Fantastic. 199 00:08:42,106 --> 00:08:43,941 Amy: Yeah. Selina: Thank you. 200 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,735 Well, I'm really looking foward to meeting Craig. 201 00:08:46,819 --> 00:08:48,028 Melissa: Absolutely, 202 00:08:48,112 --> 00:08:50,739 although it is pronounced cray-eeg. 203 00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:53,367 - Craig. Yeah. - Cray-eeg. 204 00:08:53,784 --> 00:08:55,869 - C-r-a-i-g. - Yeah, that's right. 205 00:08:55,953 --> 00:08:57,830 - Craig? - No, cray-eeg. 206 00:08:57,996 --> 00:09:00,249 - Cray-eeg. - Very close. 207 00:09:00,332 --> 00:09:01,542 Cray-eeg. 208 00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:03,877 - That's it. Well done, Amy. - Oh, okay. 209 00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:06,255 Selina: You got it right, ah-mee. 210 00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:09,007 Melissa: We have gyms and restaurants, 211 00:09:09,091 --> 00:09:12,636 entertainment facilities for the creatives. Sleeping pods... 212 00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,680 Oh, how wonderful. 213 00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:17,433 Child care is a huge part of my campaign. 214 00:09:17,516 --> 00:09:18,892 Oh, no, these are legos. 215 00:09:18,976 --> 00:09:22,896 Craig believes that legos are an important part of creative thought. 216 00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:26,316 Wow, and what are you making, Kent? 217 00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,444 Are you making a friend for the robot, huh? 218 00:09:28,527 --> 00:09:30,571 No, I think they're onto something here. 219 00:09:30,654 --> 00:09:32,006 We should have this stuff up on the hill. 220 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:33,866 - We could build a consensus. - All right. 221 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:37,327 So, the veep's gone to silicon valley of the dolls... 222 00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:40,330 Will someone please either kill the sound or kill that idiot? 223 00:09:40,414 --> 00:09:43,333 Whoa, whoa. What are you doing? Back on. Now. Idiot. 224 00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:47,171 Oh, god. My brain feels like it's being fucking circumcised. 225 00:09:47,713 --> 00:09:50,090 You know what? You, every day, 226 00:09:50,174 --> 00:09:52,318 I want you to remind me never to go drinking with Ben, all right? 227 00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,428 And you, get me a cheeseburger made of aspirin. 228 00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:55,554 Where are you going, Dan? 229 00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:57,973 I am going to get some air and then throw up in it. 230 00:09:58,182 --> 00:10:00,243 All right, the game is Texas hold 'em. 231 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,060 There are no comfort breaks in this game. 232 00:10:02,186 --> 00:10:04,205 You're gonna sit there and piss your pants like a man 233 00:10:04,229 --> 00:10:05,272 while I take your money. 234 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:07,816 You're little. You're big. Put them in. One-two. 235 00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:10,986 Hey, the egan has landed. You look terrible, man. 236 00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:12,905 Yeah. Tone down the exuberance. 237 00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:15,866 I got a hangover worse than the film they made after the hangover. 238 00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:18,869 - Fuckin' no! - Hey, Dan. You actually do look like shit. 239 00:10:18,994 --> 00:10:22,331 Who let him in here? Our weekly poker game was supposed to be sacrosanct. 240 00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:24,124 Sorry, man. His site has traction. 241 00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:26,768 - My site has traction. - It was linked on playbook this morning. 242 00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:30,088 Oh, my god, yeah, did I tell you? My site was linked on playbook this morning. 243 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:33,133 - All right. Just deal 'em up. - I'm gonna crush you bastards. 244 00:10:33,217 --> 00:10:35,219 Anybody want some fruit salad? I got plenty. 245 00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:37,471 How long is Craig gonna be held up? 246 00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:39,681 Craig will be with us momentarily, 247 00:10:39,765 --> 00:10:41,934 but at present he's in his coding hour. 248 00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:43,657 I imagine that's when he's creating code. 249 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:45,325 That's what she said. She called it that. 250 00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:47,022 Craig's coding hour is sacred. 251 00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,525 It happens every day, but you don't know when. 252 00:10:49,775 --> 00:10:52,319 Selina: Perhaps if Craig... Melissa: It's cray-eeg. 253 00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:55,489 Kept some sort of calendar, then he could write down his schedule. 254 00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:57,407 Then he would know where he was meant to be. 255 00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:58,784 Melissa: Noted. Selina: Yes. 256 00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:02,663 What is all this writing on that wall? 257 00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:04,498 Melissa: Oh, this is our graffiti wall. 258 00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:06,893 Perhaps as one of our honored guests, you'd like to sign it. 259 00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:08,752 Selina: Oh. Mike: Mmm-mmm-mmm. 260 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,712 No, ma'am, that's Ron Jeremy. 261 00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,589 I know, he's a great actor. 262 00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,550 He was scar in the lion king. 263 00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:18,095 That was Jeremy irons. Ron Jeremy is a porn legend. 264 00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:21,181 - Oh, here. - No... uh, Lance Armstrong. 265 00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:23,225 We're having that one chemically expunged. 266 00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,686 Amy: Good idea. Selina: So... 267 00:11:26,562 --> 00:11:30,023 - Amy: What are you doing? - It's like a rollaway. 268 00:11:30,107 --> 00:11:32,317 But there's no wheels. 269 00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:34,611 Okay, yeah. Yeah. 270 00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:40,576 Gonna raise 100. 271 00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:44,121 You got nothing. I know you, you got a tell. 272 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,750 That's your tell, Dan. That's a William fucking tell. 273 00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:50,878 It's like an apple sitting right on your head, Dan. 274 00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:53,380 I can see it. It's plain as day. I call. 275 00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:56,091 See, I got one pretty lady, and, oh, look, 276 00:11:56,633 --> 00:12:00,470 she brought her sister, and hello, honey. 277 00:12:01,013 --> 00:12:04,141 Three pretty ladies, like Saturday night at chez Jonah. 278 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,685 And here endeth the lesson, children. 279 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,770 You look like you're gonna heave, man. 280 00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:11,732 I just had a bellyful of chung this morning. 281 00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:15,211 I don't get it, either. I don't know why no one's going after that guy. 282 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:18,655 Because unlike your boss, his day-to-fuck-up ratio isn't one to one. 283 00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:21,617 At least selina didn't torture any Iraqis. 284 00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,423 Unless she had an Iraqi maid or something. 285 00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:28,290 - That's bullshit. - No, I heard his unit tortured a guy. 286 00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:30,667 - Seriously? - I don't know for sure. 287 00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:33,629 - You think that's true? - I'm not saying anything, okay? 288 00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:35,213 I know nothing. 289 00:12:41,470 --> 00:12:43,072 Wow, it's like the rain forest, isn't it? 290 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,223 - Nature is very important to clovis. - Uh-huh. 291 00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:48,936 - Here is some. - How do you take care of all the roots? 292 00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:50,646 Oh, these are synthetic. 293 00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:53,732 - This is our black sky ideas room. - Uh-huh. 294 00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:57,569 Google has blue skies, but Craig doesn't stop at the atmosphere. 295 00:12:57,653 --> 00:12:58,695 Ah! 296 00:12:59,071 --> 00:13:01,281 - But he stops at meeting me, doesn't he? - Yes. 297 00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:02,908 In his own motherfucking building. 298 00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,952 She said we'd see Craig momentarily. 299 00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:07,715 Our withdrawal from Afghanistan has been more momentarily than this. 300 00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:10,248 Sorry, guys, my size-of—a-planet bad. 301 00:13:10,374 --> 00:13:13,752 Craig jergensen, as I live and breathe in the genius. Kent davison. 302 00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,587 - Selina. - No, it's "madam vice president." 303 00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:18,298 - It's madam vice president. - I'm sorry. Madam vice president. 304 00:13:18,382 --> 00:13:19,466 - Oh, right. - Right. 305 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,194 I shouldn't say this because I majored in math, 306 00:13:21,218 --> 00:13:23,470 but you have my 1,000% attention. 307 00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:26,098 Wow, that's a lot. I'm thrilled to hear that... 308 00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:28,076 Excuse me one moment. Have you heard from Indonesia? 309 00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:29,369 - They've made a counter. - Okay. 310 00:13:29,393 --> 00:13:30,811 Hope Melissa's taken care of you. 311 00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,563 She's our "financy Nancy," but she's cool, sometimes. 312 00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:35,148 I can be cool sometimes. 313 00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:37,275 So what we need to do... 314 00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:39,194 - Oh, um, talk to me. - Amy: What about? 315 00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:41,238 Anything. Doesn't quite matter. 316 00:13:41,697 --> 00:13:43,657 "Congress," "legislature," words like that. 317 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,575 Yes. Exactly. What about France? 318 00:13:45,701 --> 00:13:47,995 So pretty. The museums are too big. 319 00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,889 - They could be smaller. - That's a great point. 320 00:13:49,913 --> 00:13:52,624 - Did Melissa show you our new baby? - We won. 321 00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:55,061 - I'm so sorry. What? - Did she show you the smartch? 322 00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:56,211 This march? 323 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,854 Do you have a special little march? 324 00:13:59,631 --> 00:14:02,351 - You are going to love this. - It's a little on the loud side, guys. 325 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:05,137 How about putting a sock around the ball? 326 00:14:08,724 --> 00:14:10,475 - Oh. - We're going to put this on you. 327 00:14:10,726 --> 00:14:13,145 You are wearing a smart watch. 328 00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:14,855 Hence, smartch. 329 00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:17,232 It swaps clovis profiles when you shake hands. 330 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:19,609 If it's a phone and watch, just call it a fotch. 331 00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:21,194 Or a wone. 332 00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:23,363 If you wanted it to bomb. 333 00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,074 - Let's shake. - All right. 334 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,453 - And now it is on. - Oh. 335 00:14:31,288 --> 00:14:33,957 - It worked this morning. - Okay, one more time. 336 00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,959 This way. Uh-oh. 337 00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:38,545 I feel like we're sawing a tree or something. 338 00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:42,382 Now we're milking a cow. Maybe there's an on button. 339 00:14:42,466 --> 00:14:44,110 You know what? We'll come back to shaking, okay? 340 00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:45,218 - Great. - Um... 341 00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:47,804 - Why don't you ask it a question? - Um... 342 00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:50,140 - Can Craig see... - Selina, you need to say "smartch." 343 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:51,703 - It's madam vice president. - I know. 344 00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:57,814 Okay. Smartch, can you see for Craig... 345 00:14:57,898 --> 00:14:59,191 - It's cray-eeg. - It's cray-eeg. 346 00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:02,444 Cray-eeg... the meetmeyer website. 347 00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:05,822 Female voice: These are the opening times for sea world. 348 00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:08,408 You know, this is good. If things work all the time, 349 00:15:08,492 --> 00:15:09,844 it means we can't make them better. 350 00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:12,954 We have a saying here at clovis. Dare to fail. 351 00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:14,640 Then that's a job well done. 352 00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:16,541 Stop playing ping-pong... 353 00:15:17,501 --> 00:15:21,213 Here and go have a great time somewhere else. 354 00:15:22,506 --> 00:15:26,259 Jonah: Look, if we don't go with this chung torture story, someone else will. 355 00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:28,220 We just don't know the facts. 356 00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:30,180 Okay. We put it out there, 357 00:15:30,347 --> 00:15:33,183 and then something will arrive that backs it up. 358 00:15:33,308 --> 00:15:35,102 That's journalism 101. 359 00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:36,853 Hey, Dan. It's Jonah. 360 00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:38,772 Hey, do you think I should go with this? 361 00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:41,108 I'm probably going to, 362 00:15:41,191 --> 00:15:43,503 but if you think I shouldn't go with it, just call me back. 363 00:15:43,527 --> 00:15:45,403 Okay? Call me back if I shouldn't go with it. 364 00:15:45,529 --> 00:15:47,155 Okay. Thank you. This is Jonah. Bye. 365 00:15:53,245 --> 00:15:54,788 He's not calling back. Go with it. 366 00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:56,915 Stop. 367 00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:00,794 Yeah. 368 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,714 - Done? - Done. 369 00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:09,219 Ma'am, could I address the smartch one more time? 370 00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:11,930 - Oh, yeah. - At work they call me the tech whisperer. 371 00:16:12,222 --> 00:16:16,101 - No, we don't. - Smartch, can we see meetmeyer? 372 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:17,936 The smartch learns quickly. 373 00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:20,313 - It's like it has an Asian mother. - Hmm. 374 00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:22,816 - What... - What is this? 375 00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:24,168 Mike: Some college kids made it, ma'am. 376 00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:25,777 It's a comedy thing where they 377 00:16:25,861 --> 00:16:27,988 represent you as meat and act out news stories. 378 00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:31,491 Amy: It's making fun of our website, which is meetmeyer, m-e-e-t. 379 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:32,993 Gary: Oh, that's me. 380 00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:34,953 What was the site, meeting meyer? 381 00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:37,372 Yeah. Uh, smartch, show us meeting meyer. 382 00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:39,666 - No, no! No, smartch, no! - What? 383 00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:41,168 - No. - Oh, my god! 384 00:16:41,251 --> 00:16:42,395 Oh, my god, it's a porn site. 385 00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:43,437 Amy: Okay, okay. Selina: Gary, oh, my god. 386 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:46,006 Now I'm getting fucked harder that way, Gary. Don't... 387 00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:48,466 - Engage family filters. - You have to say smartch. 388 00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:51,303 Smartch, engage family filters. 389 00:16:51,428 --> 00:16:54,472 All right, it's off. Come down from that. 390 00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:57,934 I am so sorry, madam vice president. 391 00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:02,772 If it's any consolation, a porn parody is a sure sign that you've officially made it. 392 00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:07,027 Um, technically, becoming vice president could count as making it. 393 00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:09,571 So who was that fucking me? Was that Jeremy irons? 394 00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:12,282 - I think you mean Ron Jeremy. - Whatever. 395 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,205 - It wasn't. - Okay, this raises another point. 396 00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:17,412 We cannot have this Jonah Ryan or this fracking story 397 00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:19,539 behind the veep when she's talking. 398 00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:21,103 Yeah, I can't take it from them, too. 399 00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:23,001 You know? A girl gets tired. 400 00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:25,837 Guys, you're not asking me to pull content. 401 00:17:25,921 --> 00:17:27,714 That's very much against our ethics. 402 00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:31,426 - The political reality is... - I don't follow politics. 403 00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:34,179 But I do like your tablets in the school initiative. 404 00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:38,642 How about I give you a few to get you started? Say, 50,000? 405 00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:41,061 That's a very generous offer. We appreciate that. 406 00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:42,562 Bang. That's how fast we move here. 407 00:17:42,646 --> 00:17:45,357 Well, that could be the start of a nice friendship. 408 00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,609 Now that we're on the topic of friendship, 409 00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:51,738 that repatriation tax stops so much innovation. 410 00:17:51,821 --> 00:17:54,407 We would love to have a dialogue about that. 411 00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:56,326 You don't follow politics, I thought. 412 00:17:56,451 --> 00:17:58,078 Or you do now follow politics? 413 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:01,414 We see ourselves as very much post-tax. 414 00:18:01,957 --> 00:18:03,583 I do have one fiscal question. 415 00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:07,754 Right now, you are showcasing other people's content for free. 416 00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:10,757 Once the content providers start charging you, 417 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,634 do you have a plan for that? 418 00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:14,070 I think there's a misunderstanding. 419 00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:16,721 People want to work with us more than they want to be paid. 420 00:18:16,805 --> 00:18:18,098 That's a given. 421 00:18:18,181 --> 00:18:20,642 Well, if that plan works, you've changed humanity. 422 00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:23,520 - Bravo. - Yeah, indeed. 423 00:18:23,853 --> 00:18:27,816 - Melissa... - Craig is bookmarking this chat. 424 00:18:27,899 --> 00:18:31,152 - Kent: He's what? - You mean metaphorically? 425 00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:34,364 Look at that pile of elbows. Look at this. Number one. 426 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:37,033 Craig: His site's been blowing up all day. Who is that guy? 427 00:18:38,201 --> 00:18:40,745 That's Jonah Ryan. Everybody knows Jonah. 428 00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:42,706 He's well-known in DC circles. 429 00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:44,749 Okay, how much do we have in the new venture fund? 430 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,003 Okay, let's take three or four and buy that site. 431 00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:50,166 - Kent: Oh, no way! - You mean millions? 432 00:18:51,006 --> 00:18:52,549 Fair enough. Four to six. 433 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,384 He said he's a popular guy, so... 434 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:55,719 I didn't say that. 435 00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:58,244 Craig: Yes, he definitely said that. Gary: I didn't say that. 436 00:18:58,388 --> 00:19:00,140 I've got to go talk to Indonesia. 437 00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:02,517 Recap. Tablets, cool. 438 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,602 No tax, awesome. 439 00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:07,480 See you at the town hall. Gonna be fun. So glad you support us. 440 00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:10,775 Okay, thanks. Okay, bye. 441 00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:14,738 - Who was that? - It was nobody. 442 00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:17,949 Just a nice little pretty lady I like to call destiny. 443 00:19:18,033 --> 00:19:21,036 Clovis wants to buy ryantology. 444 00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:23,913 - That's right! That's right! - What? 445 00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:25,957 Oh, my god. You see these brains? 446 00:19:26,041 --> 00:19:30,045 See why I'm pattin' 'em? Because they are made of solid platinum. 447 00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:33,298 - This is really good for all of us, right? - I am going to be so rich. 448 00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:35,133 Oh, my god. You know what? 449 00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:37,719 Everybody who said that I would never make it, 450 00:19:37,802 --> 00:19:39,929 where the fuck are you now, huh? 451 00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:42,098 Some of them are still in senior positions. 452 00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:43,850 Fuck you, Kent davison. 453 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:46,853 Fuck you, Mrs. Gravestock from the third grade. 454 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:50,106 Fuck you, stepdad one and stepdad three. 455 00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:53,526 I gotta sit down. 456 00:19:57,072 --> 00:19:59,115 I think I just had a money-gasm. 457 00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:03,262 Jonah with money. God almighty. 458 00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:04,579 It's like if Hitler could fly. 459 00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:07,874 - I vote we tape Gary's mouth closed. - I did not say anything. 460 00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:09,793 He asked me to come in with him, Jonah did. 461 00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:11,294 I'd be rich right now. 462 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:13,606 - I'd be handcuffed to a prick, but I'd be rich. - No, you wouldn't. 463 00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,507 You would not. Absolutely not. 464 00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:19,219 What? So they buy it for four, so that gives you, what, one? 465 00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:21,429 After taxes, it's like 500,000. 466 00:20:21,513 --> 00:20:23,681 It's nothing. What are you gonna do with that? 467 00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:26,684 - Ow. - Oh, my god. 468 00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,561 Do you think this is appropriate? 469 00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:32,482 'Cause when you do that to the vice president, this is what happens! 470 00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:35,485 God. Oh, my god. 471 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,046 - Gary, are you okay? - I'm fine, I'm fine. 472 00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:40,031 - God! - You know what? You kids have no... 473 00:20:40,115 --> 00:20:41,491 - Ma'am? Ma'am? - What? 474 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,618 These idiots are the Internet. 475 00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:46,788 - Excuse me, madam vice president. - Gary: Madam vice president. 476 00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:50,333 - Amy, can we huddle for a second? - Yeah. 477 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:52,502 It's okay, we have a huddle area. 478 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,089 I'm taking these people back to dial-up. 479 00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:58,109 You know what I mean? They think they're kings of america. 480 00:20:58,133 --> 00:20:59,893 - Well, in a way they are. - No, they're not. 481 00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:01,010 Okay. I take your point. 482 00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:02,321 I know you're walking around here 483 00:21:02,345 --> 00:21:05,765 like you're c-3po with a big, brass, shiny erection, 484 00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:08,935 but I got news for you, this is kindergarten for cyberbrats. 485 00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:12,480 And I'll tell you something else. If you're over 30... check it out. 486 00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,805 That's where you're headed, my friend, if you work here. 487 00:21:14,858 --> 00:21:16,109 I got to go to the bathroom. 488 00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:18,838 They have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud? 489 00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:20,029 Down the hall to the right. 490 00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:21,531 I hate this fucking place. 491 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,199 Way to go, Gary. 492 00:21:30,874 --> 00:21:33,376 Oh, it's a space toilet. 493 00:21:37,088 --> 00:21:38,548 Okay. 494 00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:40,550 Oh. 495 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,761 I've been watching you and I like what I see. 496 00:21:44,554 --> 00:21:45,554 Right. 497 00:21:45,597 --> 00:21:48,600 Would you work here and share an open plan environment with me? 498 00:21:49,058 --> 00:21:50,143 I'm flattered, 499 00:21:50,226 --> 00:21:53,813 but the sheer positivity of this place would break me. 500 00:21:53,897 --> 00:21:56,900 - Hey, Doug, they got different trail mix today. - Somewhere else. 501 00:21:58,151 --> 00:21:59,486 This is what we'd pay you. 502 00:22:01,696 --> 00:22:03,490 Go fuck yourself. 503 00:22:03,573 --> 00:22:05,617 Sorry, that's the opposite of what I meant to say. 504 00:22:08,369 --> 00:22:13,791 Jonah: Iraq, land of history, but also land of unspeakable torture! 505 00:22:15,251 --> 00:22:16,920 Chung's proud of his beatboxing, 506 00:22:17,045 --> 00:22:20,089 but what about the beating and boxing he did in Iraq? 507 00:22:20,173 --> 00:22:22,342 Proud of that, guv'nor? 508 00:22:23,259 --> 00:22:24,904 - Selina: I don't understand what this is. - I know. 509 00:22:24,928 --> 00:22:27,288 I don't want any of this. Figure out a way to get rid of it. 510 00:22:27,347 --> 00:22:30,099 I don't know what that is. 511 00:22:30,558 --> 00:22:32,435 - What's wrong? What's wrong? - I'm sorry. 512 00:22:32,519 --> 00:22:35,063 I've got to confess, ma'am, I've been in a lot of pain lately. 513 00:22:35,146 --> 00:22:36,147 It's my shoulder. 514 00:22:36,231 --> 00:22:38,417 The masseuse at the hotel this morning told me to take it easy, 515 00:22:38,441 --> 00:22:39,919 - but it's just been hurting. - Both: Oh! 516 00:22:39,943 --> 00:22:42,695 - It was a masseuse. - That makes total sense now. 517 00:22:42,820 --> 00:22:44,405 Wait. Who did you think it was? 518 00:22:44,489 --> 00:22:46,866 Kent, it was a masseuse. 519 00:22:48,743 --> 00:22:49,994 Masseuse. I buy that. 520 00:22:50,078 --> 00:22:52,914 Why else would I invite a man into my hotel room? 521 00:22:53,456 --> 00:22:55,542 - Selina: Well... - Nothing. 522 00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:56,810 Why are you looking at me like that? 523 00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:59,003 Like what? Nobody's looking at you in any way. 524 00:22:59,087 --> 00:23:00,213 It's a free country. 525 00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,441 - I know it's a free country. - Mike: I had a cousin like that. 526 00:23:02,465 --> 00:23:04,385 Not to split hairs or anything, but it was a man. 527 00:23:04,425 --> 00:23:06,469 So, technically, it's a masseur, not a masseuse. 528 00:23:06,636 --> 00:23:09,681 - Whatever makes you happy. It doesn't matter. - I don't understand what's... 529 00:23:09,764 --> 00:23:11,474 God! 530 00:23:11,683 --> 00:23:13,226 Whatever makes me happy? 531 00:23:13,643 --> 00:23:15,788 Melissa: It's complicated, isn't it? Kent: It is, it is. 532 00:23:15,812 --> 00:23:19,732 But my job is to discover how america thinks. 533 00:23:19,816 --> 00:23:24,612 And right now, the public is interested in tax relief for tech firms. 534 00:23:24,696 --> 00:23:25,738 Interesting. 535 00:23:25,822 --> 00:23:28,449 Yeah, but they're still deciding. 536 00:23:28,908 --> 00:23:33,621 There is a lot of interest in the chung torture story. 537 00:23:33,871 --> 00:23:38,126 The public may decide to put it on the clovis front page after all. 538 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,296 Instead of those selina stories. 539 00:23:42,005 --> 00:23:43,506 Also interesting. 540 00:23:44,382 --> 00:23:46,384 Well, I do admire the power of the public. 541 00:23:46,509 --> 00:23:48,303 - Aren't they magnificent? - Mmm. 542 00:23:51,848 --> 00:23:54,183 Welcome to the clovis town hall, guys! 543 00:23:54,350 --> 00:23:57,020 Next week we have Rupert grint from the Harry Potter movies. 544 00:24:03,192 --> 00:24:05,403 But today I am honored to welcome 545 00:24:05,486 --> 00:24:08,615 the vice president of the United States, selina meyer. 546 00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:17,790 Oh, god. 547 00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:20,835 - Hi. - Now, selina... 548 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,921 Oh... Some people call me, "madam vice president." 549 00:24:24,005 --> 00:24:26,299 But you can call me whatever you want, Craig. 550 00:24:26,674 --> 00:24:28,217 - Man: Cray-eeg. - Yeah. 551 00:24:28,301 --> 00:24:30,470 Okay. Well, madam vice president, 552 00:24:30,553 --> 00:24:32,388 um, why don't you name a website, 553 00:24:32,472 --> 00:24:33,723 suitable for work, please. 554 00:24:35,767 --> 00:24:41,147 Okay, smartch, show me the clovis home page. 555 00:24:45,943 --> 00:24:48,279 You know what? Guys, I have to address this. 556 00:24:48,821 --> 00:24:51,658 This Danny chung torture story. 557 00:24:51,741 --> 00:24:55,745 Uh, I know governor chung very well 558 00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:59,332 and I can tell you that these allegations are utterly unfounded. 559 00:24:59,415 --> 00:25:00,500 Utterly unfounded. 560 00:25:00,583 --> 00:25:05,004 If you are telling me that Danny chung condones torture, 561 00:25:05,088 --> 00:25:09,592 I am telling you that those allegations are false. 562 00:25:09,717 --> 00:25:15,098 False. I mean, the words Danny chung and torture, 563 00:25:15,181 --> 00:25:18,184 they don't belong in the same sentence. They don't. 564 00:25:18,267 --> 00:25:21,896 Danny chung? Torture? Come on. 565 00:25:23,064 --> 00:25:26,442 Well, ma'am, by denying that chung and torture are connected, 566 00:25:26,567 --> 00:25:27,694 everyone now seems to think 567 00:25:27,777 --> 00:25:30,738 that, well, chung and torture are connected. 568 00:25:30,822 --> 00:25:33,700 And I wonder what magician got that little story out there? 569 00:25:33,825 --> 00:25:35,135 Selina: Well, you're a very smart boy. 570 00:25:35,159 --> 00:25:36,720 Listen, we're gonna end this conversation. 571 00:25:36,744 --> 00:25:38,864 We're never gonna refer to it again, okay? 572 00:25:39,372 --> 00:25:42,959 Melissa, I've had time to think about it now, 573 00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:44,794 and I'm a grown-up. 574 00:25:45,461 --> 00:25:47,463 I don't think I'm the right fit here. 575 00:25:47,547 --> 00:25:50,675 I wasn't even that into toys when I was a kid. 576 00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:52,385 The veep doesn't value you. 577 00:25:52,468 --> 00:25:54,429 She's about to promote me to campaign manager. 578 00:25:54,512 --> 00:25:55,930 She values me. 579 00:25:56,013 --> 00:25:57,974 That's off the record, by the way. 580 00:25:58,391 --> 00:26:00,101 I don't need you. 581 00:26:00,435 --> 00:26:02,145 I can buy 1,000 Amys. 582 00:26:02,645 --> 00:26:05,398 That's fine by me if your idea of special is Jonah Ryan. 583 00:26:05,481 --> 00:26:06,733 Jonah Ryan? 584 00:26:07,483 --> 00:26:09,569 We sunsetted that idea minutes ago. 585 00:26:09,652 --> 00:26:11,487 We've withdrawn our offer. 586 00:26:12,029 --> 00:26:14,866 Well, "like." Sorry, wrong company. 587 00:26:16,117 --> 00:26:18,745 These Pentagon files prove beyond doubt 588 00:26:18,828 --> 00:26:22,206 I had no involvement in torture. 589 00:26:22,915 --> 00:26:25,543 I've never made political capital 590 00:26:25,626 --> 00:26:27,003 from my military record. 591 00:26:27,795 --> 00:26:28,981 A service to this great country... 592 00:26:29,005 --> 00:26:31,466 Okay, yes. I understand. 593 00:26:31,549 --> 00:26:34,427 But the now utterly discredited website... 594 00:26:34,510 --> 00:26:36,929 Jonah, we didn't get into this for the money. 595 00:26:41,225 --> 00:26:45,104 You take that chicken soup and you shove it up your soul. 596 00:26:46,439 --> 00:26:50,943 Destroy the allegations against me and the brave men and women... 597 00:26:53,529 --> 00:26:55,364 Hey! Dan! 598 00:26:55,865 --> 00:26:57,867 Hey, pizza delivery, buddy. 599 00:26:58,534 --> 00:27:00,661 I got some meat you can put in your mouth. 600 00:27:00,953 --> 00:27:02,371 You fuckin' asshole! 601 00:27:03,664 --> 00:27:06,042 Hey, you want a complimentary soda? 602 00:27:08,044 --> 00:27:09,504 What the hell are you doing, Jonah? 603 00:27:09,796 --> 00:27:12,715 - Screw you, Dan. - Oh, yeah, that's right. 604 00:27:12,882 --> 00:27:14,884 Speaking of screwed, I heard you lost $4 million. 605 00:27:14,967 --> 00:27:16,302 - Yeah. - I feel your pain, buddy. 606 00:27:16,385 --> 00:27:18,471 I had to dump that 150 on purpose in the game today. 607 00:27:18,554 --> 00:27:21,140 You fucked me, Dan. You fucked me with your face. 608 00:27:21,224 --> 00:27:22,433 Oh, would that be this face? 609 00:27:23,601 --> 00:27:25,645 Selina: Melissa, what an enjoyable day. 610 00:27:25,728 --> 00:27:26,955 - Thank you very much. - Our pleasure. 611 00:27:26,979 --> 00:27:29,148 Yes. Absolutely. Amy, can I talk to you just briefly? 612 00:27:29,232 --> 00:27:32,735 In the ladies' restroom, they have some sort of an Internet toilet. 613 00:27:32,819 --> 00:27:34,403 I couldn't figure out how to flush it. 614 00:27:34,487 --> 00:27:36,322 It's got all these buttons that freak me out, 615 00:27:36,405 --> 00:27:37,907 so can you go handle that? Okay. 616 00:27:37,990 --> 00:27:40,034 It's the third stall. Thank you. 617 00:27:43,204 --> 00:27:45,414 Wonderful day, wonderful device. 618 00:27:45,581 --> 00:27:47,083 - Wanna take one away? - No. 619 00:27:51,754 --> 00:27:53,172 Here you go. 620 00:27:53,422 --> 00:27:55,007 All the best.