1 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:27,486 (Siren chirping) 2 00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:29,238 Woman: Is this the last one, leash? 3 00:00:29,322 --> 00:00:31,991 I cannot walk another step with my Louboutin heels. 4 00:00:32,074 --> 00:00:34,076 Yeah, Louboutin. Right. 5 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,037 And who wears fake heels at breakfast time? 6 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:39,123 - Dee do. - Jonah: Alicia? Alicia Bryce? 7 00:00:39,248 --> 00:00:41,959 - Jonah: Hey, you're Alicia Bryce, right? - Who wants to know? 8 00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:44,503 - Dee: Curb-crawlin' asshole. - My name's Jonah Ryan. 9 00:00:44,587 --> 00:00:47,548 I'm a reporter. I am straight diggin' your campaign. 10 00:00:47,632 --> 00:00:49,842 - Uh-huh. What campaign? - Your child care campaign. 11 00:00:49,926 --> 00:00:53,429 Your, "I live three miles from the white house, might as well be three million miles." 12 00:00:53,971 --> 00:00:55,681 All right. I'll talk. 13 00:00:56,474 --> 00:00:59,477 That clown car got a giant clown in it. 14 00:01:00,019 --> 00:01:02,188 Jonah: Hold up, hold up! Hey there! Alicia. Whoa. 15 00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:05,650 My website is ryantology. Net and I'm a storyteller. 16 00:01:05,775 --> 00:01:09,070 And I want to tell real stories about real people, okay? 17 00:01:09,153 --> 00:01:11,953 I'm like John steinbeck in that regard, you know? Or Denzel Washington. 18 00:01:12,323 --> 00:01:14,325 - You wanna ask me a question? - Yes. 19 00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:17,495 Tell me your story. Question Mark. 20 00:01:17,620 --> 00:01:19,956 - Okay. I'm a single mom. - Mmm-hmm. 21 00:01:20,039 --> 00:01:22,250 I have a six-year-old daughter named halo. 22 00:01:22,458 --> 00:01:25,294 And sometimes when I take her to school, we have some problems... 23 00:01:25,378 --> 00:01:26,671 Jonah: Oh, shit. 24 00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:28,214 - What? - Excuse me? 25 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:30,424 Ahh... 26 00:01:30,508 --> 00:01:33,135 Alicia? I'm Amy brookheimer. We spoke yesterday. 27 00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:35,763 - Oh, my god, yes! Yes! Hi! - Hi! (Chuckles) 28 00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:38,599 - Hi, Amy. Great seeing you. - Alicia: You guys know each other? 29 00:01:38,683 --> 00:01:40,309 - Yeah, we dated. - We worked together. 30 00:01:40,393 --> 00:01:43,062 I was kind of Amy's boss at the time. It got complicated. 31 00:01:43,187 --> 00:01:44,730 But she's basically a good kid. 32 00:01:44,814 --> 00:01:46,941 - Um. Do you mind, maybe we can... - Go inside? 33 00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:49,336 - Amy: That's a great idea. - Yeah, that'd be great, let's go inside. 34 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,612 - Um. Some other time. - Okay, some other time. 35 00:01:51,696 --> 00:01:52,923 - All right. - Jonah: I'm gonna hold you to that. 36 00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:54,907 Alicia: All right. Jonah: I'll see you later. 37 00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:58,411 - Jonah: Just sittin' on the co'ner. - What? 38 00:01:58,494 --> 00:01:59,829 Nothing. 39 00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:07,128 Halo, baby, come out here and meet miss Amy from the vice president's office. 40 00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:09,922 Well, hello. Do you like power rangers? 41 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:15,052 Alicia: Okay. Well, you can go back and sit with grandma, okay? 42 00:02:15,261 --> 00:02:16,571 Amy: Well, I'm gonna get right to it. 43 00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:18,139 The veep wants you to be with her 44 00:02:18,222 --> 00:02:20,933 when she announces she's running for president. 45 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:23,978 - Oh, my god. - She's a really big fan of yours, Alicia. 46 00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,062 Yeah? You hear that? 47 00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:29,942 In fact, right now she is at her desk patiently waiting to speak with you. 48 00:02:30,276 --> 00:02:34,405 Ma'am, outdoors risks rained-on hair and running mascara. 49 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:35,882 Do you want to look like Alice Cooper? 50 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:38,075 My second marriage took place in the rain. 51 00:02:38,159 --> 00:02:40,077 And you could see my nipples in all the photos. 52 00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:41,245 Oy! Shhp, boing! 53 00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:42,997 I'm doing the speech outside, all right? 54 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,707 All great speeches are done outside. 55 00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:46,292 Gettysburg, mount sinai... 56 00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:48,502 The speech I made in Philadelphia three weeks ago. 57 00:02:48,586 --> 00:02:50,605 - Which was fantastic. - Which was fucking fantastic. 58 00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:53,090 - That was inside, ma'am. - Oh, that was inside. 59 00:02:53,591 --> 00:02:56,469 Ma'am. Ma'am, it's Amy. She sounds uncomfortable. 60 00:02:56,552 --> 00:02:58,512 - Like she's with a member of the public. - Okay. 61 00:02:58,596 --> 00:03:00,431 She's got one of the normals here. 62 00:03:00,598 --> 00:03:03,392 Okay, space? We're not going to be dealing with space 63 00:03:03,476 --> 00:03:04,518 as an issue in the speech. 64 00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:06,479 Space is bold, but safe at the same time. 65 00:03:06,562 --> 00:03:08,564 There are no votes in space. There's nothing there. 66 00:03:08,647 --> 00:03:11,400 - Selina: Hi, ame. - I'm gonna pass you onto Alicia, ma'am. 67 00:03:11,484 --> 00:03:13,652 - Alicia? - Alicia keys? 68 00:03:13,736 --> 00:03:15,571 Alicia Bryce, that's right, ma'am! 69 00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:17,865 - She loves you. - Oh, Alicia Bryce! 70 00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:20,284 - Oh. - She's doing the walk to the white house. 71 00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:22,995 I know, right. She wants universal child care, right? 72 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,539 - I know who she is. - Child care, exactly. 73 00:03:25,623 --> 00:03:27,166 Amy, put her on. 74 00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:29,126 Selina: Alicia! 75 00:03:29,210 --> 00:03:30,544 Hi! 76 00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:34,882 - Hi, madam vice president. - How are you? 77 00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:37,652 Selina: I just want you to know that universal child care is something 78 00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:40,221 I'm going to be passionate about in my campaign. 79 00:03:40,304 --> 00:03:42,473 And I can't wait to see you on the special day. 80 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:46,102 Thank you so much for being a part of all of it. 81 00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:47,728 I'm very honored. Thank you. 82 00:03:47,812 --> 00:03:49,063 Okay. B ye-bye. 83 00:03:49,146 --> 00:03:50,147 (Chuckles) 84 00:03:51,816 --> 00:03:54,860 I'm in the middle of a lot of shit right now, so I'm hanging up. 85 00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:57,488 Yeah, we are delighted, too! 86 00:03:58,364 --> 00:04:00,574 Ma'am. Child care? 87 00:04:00,658 --> 00:04:03,077 Children are of no value. Forget child care. 88 00:04:03,285 --> 00:04:05,371 Selina: Children are vital, Kenny Rogers. 89 00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:07,581 We're not all planning to die alone like you. 90 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,087 Mike: So, you excited to be here? 91 00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:14,380 Alicia: You bet! 92 00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:16,590 So if your girl makes president, you guys 93 00:04:16,674 --> 00:04:18,092 - double your pay, right? - (Scoffs) 94 00:04:18,175 --> 00:04:21,262 - I don't know. Do we, Amy? - That's not how it works. 95 00:04:21,345 --> 00:04:23,722 The vice president is so happy that we found you, Alicia. 96 00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:27,393 Kent, this is Alicia Bryce, the universal child care lady. 97 00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:29,603 - Hi. - Sure. 98 00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:31,981 (Groans) 99 00:04:32,064 --> 00:04:34,191 Whatever it is I'm selling, he is not buying. 100 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:36,128 Don't worry, he's like that with all the humans. 101 00:04:36,152 --> 00:04:38,088 No. He thinks you're great. I'm just gonna remind him. 102 00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:39,155 Yeah. Please do, ame. 103 00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:42,199 Mike, I've been waiting for an hour for excerpts from the speech. 104 00:04:42,324 --> 00:04:44,034 Leon, today is a very high-pressure day, 105 00:04:44,118 --> 00:04:46,787 and as you know me, I don't even like high-pressure showers. 106 00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:49,599 Is that what I've been smelling? I thought maybe it was your panic. 107 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,417 He's kidding. I shower, of course. 108 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:55,004 And you like to use a lot of Cologne. Like a lot of Cologne. 109 00:04:55,087 --> 00:04:57,590 - Axe body spray, right, Mike? - Okay, guys? 110 00:04:57,673 --> 00:05:00,092 If we could put Mr. West back in the press area 111 00:05:00,176 --> 00:05:01,886 and keep him there? Thank you. 112 00:05:02,178 --> 00:05:03,429 - Ms. Bryce? - Mmm-hmm. 113 00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:05,181 - Sue Wilson. - Oh. 114 00:05:05,264 --> 00:05:06,932 What does a red sticker mean? 115 00:05:07,016 --> 00:05:09,643 I'm like a target for snipers? 116 00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:12,688 It means you're wearing a red sticker. Follow me, please. 117 00:05:13,397 --> 00:05:14,398 (Mumbling) 118 00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:16,734 - Ma'am, I spoke to senator Doyle earlier... - Hi. 119 00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:19,653 And he offered his input on configuration of guests. 120 00:05:19,737 --> 00:05:21,113 Doyle? You're kidding me. 121 00:05:21,197 --> 00:05:23,365 I'd rather get advice from a fucking ouija board. 122 00:05:23,449 --> 00:05:25,618 - Sue, where's Catherine? - She's late, ma'am. 123 00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:28,078 Yeah, she better have been in an accident. 124 00:05:28,204 --> 00:05:30,414 Dan, this rewrite kicks balls and ass. 125 00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,791 It explains me, it really articulates me. 126 00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:36,086 It's beautifully put together, like me. 127 00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:37,796 It's great. It's locked. 128 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,880 - Oh, thank god. - We just have a couple of tweaks. 129 00:05:39,924 --> 00:05:43,385 If you go to paragraph two on page one, that's where you'll see my notes. 130 00:05:43,469 --> 00:05:45,221 I thought you just said it was locked. 131 00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:47,431 Yeah, it is. It's structurally very sound. 132 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,558 We just need to nail the wording, okay? 133 00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,895 - Um, ma'am. - Yes? 134 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,605 This Saturday night live shitstorm 135 00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,357 has just hit nine on the sphincter scale. 136 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,400 - The sketch? - Yeah. Three million hits. 137 00:05:58,484 --> 00:06:00,194 Selina: Oh, those shit stains. 138 00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:03,030 - So what? I had a horse as a kid. Who didn't? - Mmm... 139 00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:04,716 - I mean, have a pet is what I meant. - Yeah. 140 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:07,535 Well, ma'am, in your book, you say that pony grooming 141 00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:09,954 taught you about how tough it is for American farmers. 142 00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:12,516 - That's right, I did say that, 'cause it did. - Ben: That's funny! 143 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:14,792 - Why is that funny? - I can't watch it. Did you see it? 144 00:06:14,917 --> 00:06:17,378 Selina: No, I don't watch this show. It's completelyjuvenile. 145 00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,505 (Applause on tablet) 146 00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:20,857 Woman: What are you doing, honey? 147 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:23,717 I'm learning how hard it is to be a farmer. 148 00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:26,637 It's really, really hard! 149 00:06:27,263 --> 00:06:28,556 - Finished! - (Giggles) 150 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:31,225 It's like snl is going back in time and abusing a child. 151 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:34,728 I'm selina meyer, and I approve my pony. 152 00:06:35,271 --> 00:06:38,607 Like I always say, nothing less funny than a comedian. 153 00:06:38,691 --> 00:06:41,291 Ma'am, the thing to do in this situation is you own it, all right. 154 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,362 You go on the show, and you own it. 155 00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:44,822 Selina: Are you kidding me, Dan? 156 00:06:44,947 --> 00:06:48,033 If somebody takes a shit in your car, what are you gonna do? 157 00:06:48,117 --> 00:06:50,869 You gonna drop your trou and take a crap through the sunroof? 158 00:06:50,953 --> 00:06:52,162 I don't think so, buddy. 159 00:06:52,288 --> 00:06:54,582 Get on the phone to snl and fix this. 160 00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:58,085 - Ma'am, this has speech implications... - Oh, please. 161 00:06:58,168 --> 00:07:00,504 Sue, can I impose myself on your diagram over here? 162 00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,965 Come on over. Sue casa es su casa, sir. 163 00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:04,049 (Laughing) 164 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,303 - Selina: Wait a minute. - That's funny, sue. 165 00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:09,948 Selina: What are you saying? Kent: Well, thanks to Saturday night live, 166 00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:12,433 we need to take disabled farmer off the steps. 167 00:07:12,516 --> 00:07:14,369 - Selina: No, we don't. - You gotta take him out of the speech. 168 00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:15,495 - So, Dan, you gotta lose... - Yup. 169 00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:18,355 So now we need to replace disabled farmer with somebody else. 170 00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:20,792 - No, you're not going to replace him. - Dan: Wait, shit, you know what? 171 00:07:20,816 --> 00:07:21,835 We can't lose the farmer. If we do that, 172 00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:24,004 then we gotta get rid of the sensitive New York fitness guy, 173 00:07:24,028 --> 00:07:26,506 and then we can't go metropolitan if we're not gonna hit middle america. 174 00:07:26,530 --> 00:07:28,490 - That's right. - We need to rewrite the speech! 175 00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:30,826 I can't rewrite the rewrite, Kent. I'm still writing it. 176 00:07:30,909 --> 00:07:33,746 That's the reality, Dan. If you don't like the reality, 177 00:07:33,829 --> 00:07:36,332 go live in Oregon and make quilts with my mother. 178 00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:37,416 She could use the help. 179 00:07:37,541 --> 00:07:40,127 Guys, guys, everything here is sacred. 180 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:43,255 This is staying exactly the way it is. 181 00:07:43,339 --> 00:07:45,090 Okay? Exactly. 182 00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:46,967 For the first time in four years, 183 00:07:47,051 --> 00:07:48,761 I can say what I really think. 184 00:07:48,844 --> 00:07:51,972 You start picking this thing apart, and what am I left as? 185 00:07:52,056 --> 00:07:56,268 Some sort of optimistic warmonger with a soft spot for educated gays. 186 00:07:58,395 --> 00:07:59,980 What's the hold-up? 187 00:08:00,064 --> 00:08:02,208 President Lincoln should be back from the theater by now. 188 00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:05,027 - Good things come to those who wait. - Gimmie. 189 00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:08,072 Quit your yakkin', 'cause guess who's packin'! 190 00:08:08,197 --> 00:08:10,157 - Give me one of those. - Legitjournalists only. 191 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,786 Yeah, not some pissant who narrowcasts libelous poison from his mother's phone. 192 00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:16,622 Know what, Leon? I'm the future of news media, so... 193 00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:19,416 - Mike, this is just a press release. - No, it's not. 194 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:22,294 Jonah, I'm going to have your credentials checked, Jo-nad. 195 00:08:23,462 --> 00:08:25,005 Yeah, real professional, Mike. 196 00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:27,883 - Jo-nad! Jo-nad! - I'll find my own. 197 00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,552 - Jo-nad! Jo-nad! - Alicia: Mike! 198 00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,406 - Hi. Is there some place we're supposed to be? - Uh, sorry. 199 00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:36,475 Sorry, yeah. Just yelling at the media. Yes, yes, yes. 200 00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:39,895 - Um... - Hey, steps vips. You guys are an inspiration. 201 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,523 - Alicia: Thank you. - Put your boss on the phone, 202 00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:45,609 or I will saute your sack, you snl shitstick. 203 00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:47,069 Sue: Red stickers assemble! 204 00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:51,532 That was sue. She says it's time for you guys to become steps superstars! 205 00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:52,717 Alicia: Yay! Sue: Thank you. 206 00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:54,451 Man: I need all steps vips, please! 207 00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,036 That's you! You dared to dream. 208 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,305 That's anyone with a red sticker! 209 00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:59,623 Are you ready? Come on. Here we go. 210 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:01,500 (Chattering) 211 00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:04,211 Mike, half of america just came in. 212 00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:07,548 This is like black Friday at Walmart. 213 00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:11,343 No, no, these people are filler, you are killer. Seriously. 214 00:09:11,427 --> 00:09:13,971 You are a big... Gary, come here. 215 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,639 I wanted you to meet Alicia. 216 00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:18,559 Alicia, hey, it's so nice to meet you! 217 00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:19,893 Ooh, you're vip! 218 00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:22,020 I was just telling her how special she is. 219 00:09:22,104 --> 00:09:24,207 Like, who's this lady in the back row? I don't even know her. 220 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,816 Her? Just beat cancer. 221 00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:29,778 Yeah, but not a bad one. An easy one, like finger or skin. 222 00:09:29,862 --> 00:09:31,029 Not one of the hard ones. 223 00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:32,656 Are they all as special as me? 224 00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:34,867 - No. No, no, no. - No. Are you kidding? 225 00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:37,303 - This guy here is just an injured fireman. - Gary: Yeah (chuckles) 226 00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,079 I don't see any scars. 227 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:43,125 I need foster mom and heroic restaurateur to switch places, please. 228 00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:44,877 Gary: Heroic restaurateur! 229 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,004 "I just made an omelet, I'm a hero!" 230 00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:49,923 - (Laughing) - Alicia: Oh, uh, halo has to pee. 231 00:09:50,007 --> 00:09:51,675 Hey, Amy, where are the chaperones? 232 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,552 The St. Joseph's children's choir 233 00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:56,013 has come down with a vomiting bug. All 30 of them. 234 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,557 So the chaperones are drowning in children at the moment. 235 00:09:58,724 --> 00:10:01,935 Um, I can take you, I'm going that way anyway. 236 00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,354 So why don't you come with me? Do I take her hand? 237 00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:07,566 - Alicia: Yes, hold miss Amy's hand. - Amy was born to be with kids. 238 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,903 - Well, peeing is fun! - Mike: There you go. 239 00:10:10,986 --> 00:10:14,281 - All right. This is my spot? - Okay, are we ready? 240 00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:16,593 - (Applause) - Selina: How you all doing? Are you good? 241 00:10:16,617 --> 00:10:19,828 I feel good! Thank you all for being here. 242 00:10:19,912 --> 00:10:23,332 - You look like a pretty toy soldier. - Okay, don't do a salute. 243 00:10:23,415 --> 00:10:26,960 - Ma'am, may I present your vips? - Oh, Karen! 244 00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:30,380 Ma'am, I loved you on Saturday night live. You were hysterical. 245 00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:34,343 That wasn't me, though. But wasn't it funny? So funny! 246 00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:36,678 - This right here... - Selina: Alicia Bryce! 247 00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:39,139 - We get to meet each other at last! - Yes! 248 00:10:39,223 --> 00:10:40,325 - She's the one who... - Wonderful! 249 00:10:40,349 --> 00:10:42,518 I am passionate about universal child care. 250 00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:45,562 - Ma'am, I am so glad to talk to you. - You should also know... 251 00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:48,982 - That's a little distracting. - Selina: Yeah, it is. It's distracting. 252 00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:51,401 - So distracting. - Selina: Yeah, so quit it. 253 00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:53,488 Ma'am, I didn't get a chance to say on the phone, 254 00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:57,032 but 38% of our kids have no regular child care arrangements. 255 00:10:57,115 --> 00:11:00,202 - 38%. - Two out of every five kids. 256 00:11:00,285 --> 00:11:03,455 - 38%, right? - 38%. That's it. 257 00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:06,708 - I'm glad you echo my concerns. - No, I do. I do. 258 00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:08,001 I echo your concerns. 259 00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:10,754 I'm gonna see you soon, and that's 100%. 260 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,590 Oh, well, you can repeat 100% any time you like, ma'am. 261 00:11:13,674 --> 00:11:15,217 I will, ma'am. 100%! 262 00:11:16,093 --> 00:11:17,636 - (Laughing) - Okay, where've you been? 263 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,013 Okay, great pee! 264 00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:23,976 I wanna know who's responsible for that sketch, you cock tail napkin. 265 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,311 - Yeah, you heard me. - Dan. Amy. 266 00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:27,497 - Shit, I gotta go. - Amy: Senator Doyle. 267 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:31,275 I have a meeting scheduled with the vice president right now 268 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,986 and it is "right now" right now. 269 00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:37,322 - Dan, you take this, right now. - Dan: What? 270 00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,325 No, I can't talk 'cause I'm on another call. 271 00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:42,953 Dan: You guys are an inspiration. Mike: No, not this one. 272 00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:47,666 Mike, I need Dee. She's outside, I need her to watch halo. 273 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,293 No problem. I will get Dee. 274 00:11:50,544 --> 00:11:52,045 You okay, baby? 275 00:11:53,297 --> 00:11:56,008 Yeah, it's good, except this order's wrong because 276 00:11:56,091 --> 00:11:58,135 you can't have hospital after military. 277 00:11:58,260 --> 00:11:59,678 But you wanted military first. 278 00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:04,182 Yeah, I know, but you can't have hospitals after war. That's what I'm saying. 279 00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:06,035 'Cause then they sound like they're the result of war. 280 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,495 It's the curse of the unintended narrative. 281 00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:09,563 Okay, but you still want military first? 282 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:10,814 Yes! 283 00:12:11,148 --> 00:12:13,150 Yeah, I'll just say them simultaneously. 284 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,402 Like those Tibetan throat singers, Dan. 285 00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:17,696 Ma'am, you gotta dump the universal child care. 286 00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:19,615 Jesus, Doyle, where did you just come from? 287 00:12:19,698 --> 00:12:22,075 Universal child care is a bottomless money pit. 288 00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:24,745 You pledge this, you can forget about having a Navy. 289 00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:27,706 Okay, sweetheart. Don't get your panties all up in a wad. 290 00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:30,667 I'm just mentioning Alicia Bryce by name. 291 00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:32,791 I am not appointing her to my joint chiefs of staff. 292 00:12:32,836 --> 00:12:35,797 Do I look like I rode in on the last fuck truck, selina? 293 00:12:35,881 --> 00:12:38,550 - What's a fuck truck? - You are smuggling in universal child care. 294 00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:40,802 You sound paranoid, okay? 295 00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:42,596 I'm mentioning child care. That's it. 296 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:46,391 Oh, so we can say anything now? We can say we can heal the sick. 297 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,268 We can turn water into blowjobs. 298 00:12:48,352 --> 00:12:51,313 - All right, we're done here. - Look, selina, play it safe. 299 00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:54,775 Put the aarp on those steps. Seniors vote. 300 00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:56,193 They've got nothing else to do. 301 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,946 I've got a senior up there. I'm looking right at him. 302 00:12:59,363 --> 00:13:02,157 - Okay? - Well, maybe you don't have him. 303 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,885 - Selina: What? - Excuse me, I gotta take this call. 304 00:13:03,909 --> 00:13:05,744 It's from a senior member 305 00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:08,872 of the party that you hope to lead. 306 00:13:09,081 --> 00:13:10,123 What do you want me to do? 307 00:13:10,207 --> 00:13:12,334 You want me to be just some sort of a party puppet? 308 00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:15,253 You can stick your hand up my ass and work my mouth? 309 00:13:15,337 --> 00:13:17,130 Doyle: Yes, please! Selina: Gosh! 310 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:18,757 What were you bobbleheads doing 311 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,968 while I was just getting ear-fucked by father time? 312 00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:22,946 - Senator Doyle is correct, ma'am. - Selina: No, he's not! 313 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,555 The gray vote is a given, but universal child care? 314 00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,224 That spooks the horses. 315 00:13:27,349 --> 00:13:29,101 Seniors are the easy vote. 316 00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:31,478 Child care is a principle. 317 00:13:31,561 --> 00:13:34,898 Ma'am, you have plenty of principles. Just gotta pick another one. 318 00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:39,069 Oh, my gosh, I can't believe this! 319 00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:43,031 No, the Dee don't stand for anything. 320 00:13:43,115 --> 00:13:45,534 That's like me askin' you what does the Mike stand for? 321 00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:47,160 It stands for "Mike kind of guy." 322 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:50,163 - (Chuckles) You kind of lame. - Uh, Mike? 323 00:13:50,414 --> 00:13:51,873 Honey, I dropped the kids? 324 00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:53,834 What? No, no. 325 00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:55,877 The chaperone said the choir will sing, Leon. 326 00:13:55,961 --> 00:13:59,089 No, universal child care. Rumor has it selina's dropping it. 327 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,299 - Wait, what? - Absolutely not. 328 00:14:01,383 --> 00:14:04,761 - It is a priority for the vice president. - Yeah, it better be. 329 00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:07,097 Who's the bulldog? New campaign manager? 330 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:10,183 My name is Dee. And you're what, fucking nobody? 331 00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:12,269 'Cause don't nobody talk to Dee like that, okay? 332 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,788 Mike: Let's go, Dee. That was a good put-down. 333 00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:14,980 It was okay. 334 00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:18,233 - Look here, you wrote, "all you who've." - Dan: Yeah. 335 00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:20,902 Oh, ma'am, snljust e-mailed me back. 336 00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:24,072 - Crap in my lap. - Selina: What? What is it? What? 337 00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:26,742 They're gonna do another sketch. 338 00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:29,578 Wait a minute. 339 00:14:30,162 --> 00:14:32,622 They're gonna what? Is this your doing? 340 00:14:32,748 --> 00:14:34,416 Did you give them this idea, Dan? 341 00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:39,463 I don't do offended, but I am affronted that you'd even think that. 342 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:40,547 Mmm. 343 00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:43,842 - Fucking comedians. - Fucking comedians. 344 00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:44,944 Selina: I'll tell you what happens. 345 00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,195 They get bullied when they're little at school, 346 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,722 and then they perpetuate the cycle by bullying me. 347 00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:49,866 I'm gonna take care of this. 348 00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:50,950 I'm gonna call those fucking nerds right now. 349 00:14:50,974 --> 00:14:52,309 Yeah. Get that done! 350 00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:55,187 Sorry I was late. I was giving that speech at... 351 00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:57,105 - Oh... - Hey! (Chuckles) 352 00:14:57,189 --> 00:14:58,648 Great minds think alike! 353 00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:01,610 You look like you're in one of those body-swap comedies. 354 00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:05,405 What in the wide world of fuck do you think you're wearing? 355 00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,657 Nice to see you, too. 356 00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,826 I was trying to be conservative. 357 00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:12,270 You haven't dressed like this since you were two and a half. 358 00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:15,082 This makes me look like I'm some sort of a crazy person 359 00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:17,834 that was deliberately trying to make us look like twins. 360 00:15:17,918 --> 00:15:20,587 - That's nuts! - I'm not trying to make you look crazy. 361 00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:22,422 Well, then go and change this outfit. 362 00:15:22,506 --> 00:15:24,883 Seriously. This is ridiculous. 363 00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:26,343 Well, why don't you change? 364 00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:29,679 Is that a joke? 365 00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:32,182 Yes. 366 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,393 This is my day. 367 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,396 (Chuckles) I mean, you know? 368 00:15:39,189 --> 00:15:41,858 Ah. Cute. Li'i selina. 369 00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:42,984 (Chuckles) 370 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,780 I just got off the phone with the congressional leadership 371 00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:48,865 and they're stuck in traffic, 372 00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:50,867 so we may not make it to the steps. 373 00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:55,205 You hear that? 374 00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,751 Are you threatening me? 375 00:15:59,835 --> 00:16:02,629 No. Traffic is really bad, 376 00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:05,674 so the car might be stuck there forever. 377 00:16:05,757 --> 00:16:08,301 So I'm supposed to let a bunch 378 00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,846 of dead-eyed white guys 379 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:15,433 shit all over absolutely everything that I stand for. 380 00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:18,979 Mmm-mmm. 381 00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:21,606 I'm not going to let the party dictate to me. 382 00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:24,818 - Okay. - Okay. 383 00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:29,030 (Door opens and closes) 384 00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:30,782 Shit! 385 00:16:31,992 --> 00:16:33,410 God! 386 00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,582 God! 387 00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:49,092 I've decided that I'm 388 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,928 going to let them dictate to me. 389 00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:54,764 Because that is my decision. 390 00:16:54,890 --> 00:16:58,935 Do you understand that? I am letting them do that! 391 00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:00,687 - Get it? - Yes, ma'am. 392 00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:04,941 Right! But they do not own me! 393 00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,243 - They really don't, ma'am. - No, they don't! 394 00:17:07,319 --> 00:17:10,071 No, they don't! 395 00:17:19,581 --> 00:17:21,625 We're losing child care? 396 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:24,753 Replacing it with seniors? 397 00:17:37,349 --> 00:17:39,809 Okay, benevolent taxi driver should move to his left. 398 00:17:39,935 --> 00:17:41,855 Man: Mr. Davis, can you move to the left, please? 399 00:17:41,937 --> 00:17:44,981 - It's miss Dee! My vip! - Excuse me, ma'am. 400 00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:46,792 Could you go back to where you were standing? 401 00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:48,235 I'll be real fast. 402 00:17:48,318 --> 00:17:49,462 What's wrong with that lady's face? 403 00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:51,446 Looks like something crawled up in there and died. 404 00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:53,740 - Mike, child care has been axed. - Mike: What? 405 00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,575 Amy: You need to dump Alicia, sensitively. 406 00:17:55,659 --> 00:17:56,952 Mike: I can't! Amy! 407 00:17:59,663 --> 00:18:01,539 Alicia: Yes, she's really, really into it. 408 00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:03,541 (Sighs) 409 00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:04,751 Alicia: What's wrong? 410 00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:07,115 - You look like you killed a hooker. - No, I didn't. Um... 411 00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:12,300 This is slightly worse, Alicia. 412 00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:14,219 You may know what I'm about to say, 413 00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:16,012 so please feel free to say it. 414 00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:18,098 That way I don't really have to say it. 415 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,100 Could I talk to Amy? 416 00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:21,559 Thank you. Yes. Amy? 417 00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:23,687 - Amy, Alicia requested... - Amy: Not happening. 418 00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:28,858 Amy's on a phone and walking. 419 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,028 We have to... 420 00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:34,489 We have to stand you down, Alicia, for this event. 421 00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:36,283 We're not gonna need you. 422 00:18:36,366 --> 00:18:37,867 Dee: This is unbelievable. 423 00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:41,121 I know, and I apologize if we have wasted your time. 424 00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:43,599 No, you ain't wasted nobody's time, 'cause we gonna use that time 425 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:44,916 - to kick your ass. - Dee. 426 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,627 I'm angry too, I wanna kick my own ass. I'll do it for you. 427 00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:50,714 I've punched myself in the face before. I ran into a wall once. 428 00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:53,025 - I wanna kick my own ass. - Mike, I'm sick and tired of you, okay? 429 00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:55,209 The vice president is going to West Virginia next month 430 00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:57,140 to visit a kindergarten. You could come with us! 431 00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:58,471 I'm not going to West Virginia! 432 00:18:58,555 --> 00:19:00,307 What do we look like going to any Virginia? 433 00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,034 I don't know who it's from, but I have to take this call. 434 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:03,202 - Mike mcclintock... - No, you are not taking it. 435 00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:05,770 I have to take this! I have to do this! 436 00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:08,898 (Grunts) I'm trying to help you, you stupid cow! 437 00:19:12,902 --> 00:19:14,237 Alicia: What did you just say? 438 00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:19,326 Where I grew up, my dad called my mom a cow all the time. 439 00:19:19,409 --> 00:19:21,828 It's not bad, it's homey and friendly. 440 00:19:21,911 --> 00:19:23,788 "I love you, baby, you're a cow." 441 00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:29,210 Oh, my god, Mike. What are you going to do for an encore? 442 00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:30,462 You gonna punch the kid? 443 00:19:30,545 --> 00:19:32,047 Alicia, you and I should talk. 444 00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:34,233 Amy: Out that door before I nail your squawky throat to it. 445 00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:36,801 I can feel that air crackling between us, Amy. 446 00:19:37,135 --> 00:19:39,572 Oh. Hey, Leon, do you have any idea what just happened in there? 447 00:19:39,596 --> 00:19:41,681 Amy, what is this bushel of fuck talking about? 448 00:19:41,765 --> 00:19:44,684 Leon, would you mind smashing his head off with a fire extinguisher? 449 00:19:44,768 --> 00:19:45,810 I wouldn't mind. 450 00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:50,774 She hasn't moved in five minutes. 451 00:19:51,274 --> 00:19:52,650 She must feel horrible. 452 00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:54,982 Dan: It's like her fucking head's gonna spin around. 453 00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:58,198 Amy, what the fuck is happening? Is Mike on crank? 454 00:19:58,281 --> 00:20:00,009 That's actually the least of my worries right now. 455 00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:01,993 Your mom has gone quiet. 456 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,161 (Knocks on door) 457 00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:09,209 I see you found it, the room of regret. 458 00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:12,962 - I'm fucked, Ben. I'm fucked. - Well, there's a remedy. 459 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:14,881 It's an ancient technique 460 00:20:14,964 --> 00:20:19,761 that's been plied by loveable losers since way back. 461 00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:21,261 It's called begging. 462 00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:22,389 - Beg? - Yeah. 463 00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:24,140 Jonah, that fucking lowlife? 464 00:20:24,307 --> 00:20:27,560 That fucking lowlife? You gotta go lower! 465 00:20:28,103 --> 00:20:30,397 You gotta go lower than the lowest lowlife. 466 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,273 You gotta dig and dig and dig 467 00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:35,402 until you get to the point where you wish you were dead. 468 00:20:35,485 --> 00:20:37,320 Okay? And that's base camp. 469 00:20:38,655 --> 00:20:40,782 - I gotta beg. - Yeah. 470 00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:43,910 Hey, this could help a little bit. Why don't you take one of these? 471 00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:46,663 - What is it? - I don't know, I found them in my desk. 472 00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:52,419 Dan: Is there any way to snap her out of this diving bell and butterfly shit? 473 00:20:52,502 --> 00:20:54,421 She should be rehearsing my speech by now. 474 00:20:56,423 --> 00:20:58,067 Catherine: How long has she been like this? 475 00:20:58,091 --> 00:20:59,509 - Gary: Forever. - 15 minutes. 476 00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:01,428 Okay. 477 00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,096 Wait. Come on... 478 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:09,144 Okay. Your big day is a travesty. All right, I get it. 479 00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:11,521 It's like my 21st birthday. 480 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,064 Or my 18th birthday. 481 00:21:13,356 --> 00:21:16,025 Or every other birthday, okay? 482 00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:19,028 Your entire life has been leading up to this moment. 483 00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:23,366 And as a result of that, my entire life has been awful. 484 00:21:23,575 --> 00:21:25,326 Posing for Christmas cards, 485 00:21:25,410 --> 00:21:28,037 watching c-span instead of sesame street, 486 00:21:28,163 --> 00:21:31,916 going to memorials of old Israeli men that I've never even heard of. 487 00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:34,627 I have had a hard, 488 00:21:34,878 --> 00:21:37,088 lonely, miserable life. 489 00:21:37,255 --> 00:21:40,341 And the only thing that is going to make it worthwhile 490 00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:44,971 is if I become the daughter of the next president of the United States. 491 00:21:45,054 --> 00:21:46,514 So you need to go out there, 492 00:21:46,598 --> 00:21:49,767 and you need to stop behaving like a little bitch. 493 00:21:51,728 --> 00:21:55,023 Okay, sweetie, I am not a bitch, but thanks. 494 00:21:55,106 --> 00:21:58,985 And that jacket doesn't work, by the way. You look like a waiter. 495 00:21:59,861 --> 00:22:00,862 (Groans) 496 00:22:00,945 --> 00:22:02,238 God damn it. 497 00:22:04,407 --> 00:22:05,992 Catherine: It's okay. I fixed her. 498 00:22:06,075 --> 00:22:08,411 - Jonah. J-rock. J-riggedy. - Mmm-hmm. 499 00:22:08,495 --> 00:22:12,790 I'm asking you kindly to not run the cow story, okay? 500 00:22:12,874 --> 00:22:14,876 I'm appealing to your better nature. 501 00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:16,239 Mike, I don't have one of those. 502 00:22:16,294 --> 00:22:18,671 Jonah, please. I'm begging you. I'm begging you. 503 00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:20,316 Really? It doesn't look like you're begging. 504 00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:22,217 Please, Jonah. I'm begging. Please. 505 00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:23,861 - Don't run with the story. - Now we're begging. 506 00:22:23,885 --> 00:22:26,346 What do you want me to do? Juggle? Do you want me to dance? 507 00:22:26,429 --> 00:22:29,182 Actually, you know what? Sing me a song. 508 00:22:29,307 --> 00:22:32,769 Just spin the ol' dial on radio mcclintock, see what it lands on. 509 00:22:32,936 --> 00:22:34,062 - Really? - Mmm-hmm. 510 00:22:34,395 --> 00:22:36,105 I don't know, goober peas? 511 00:22:37,065 --> 00:22:39,817 - I have no fucking idea what that is. - It's an old civil war song. 512 00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:40,902 - For real? - Yeah. 513 00:22:40,985 --> 00:22:42,946 Perfect. It's like a history lesson. Hit me up. 514 00:22:43,154 --> 00:22:44,256 You want me to count you in? 515 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,574 - No. - Five, six, seven, eight... 516 00:22:47,158 --> 00:22:51,246 When a horseman passes soldiers have a rule 517 00:22:51,454 --> 00:22:53,456 they cry out at their loudest 518 00:22:53,623 --> 00:22:55,166 "mister, where's your mule?" 519 00:22:55,291 --> 00:22:57,752 Put a little twang in it. Come on. 520 00:22:58,127 --> 00:23:01,756 But another pleasure more enchantinger than these 521 00:23:01,965 --> 00:23:05,468 ls wearing out your grinders eating goober peas! 522 00:23:05,552 --> 00:23:06,553 Play the banjo. 523 00:23:06,636 --> 00:23:09,847 Peas, peas, peas, peas, eating goober peas 524 00:23:10,139 --> 00:23:13,685 goodness, how delicious, eating goober peas 525 00:23:13,893 --> 00:23:15,520 tip that old yankee gray! 526 00:23:15,603 --> 00:23:17,021 Peas, peas, peas, peas 527 00:23:17,397 --> 00:23:20,984 okay sir, this is your beauty pageant of the nearly dead. 528 00:23:21,067 --> 00:23:23,528 Okay, everybody give me a smile and wave. 529 00:23:25,655 --> 00:23:26,674 - None of these. - Selina: Okay. 530 00:23:26,698 --> 00:23:28,449 - You okay, ma'am? - I just need my speech. 531 00:23:28,533 --> 00:23:30,386 Good to have you back, ma'am. The speech isn't ready yet. 532 00:23:30,410 --> 00:23:32,829 Just upload any draft, I'm going to wing it. 533 00:23:32,912 --> 00:23:35,331 Blah, blah, blah, I am running. 534 00:23:35,540 --> 00:23:37,750 And I wasn't kidding about thatjacket. 535 00:23:37,959 --> 00:23:41,170 Okay, guys, this is not a drill. Operation lady potus is go. 536 00:23:41,254 --> 00:23:43,089 Amy, it's flashing. Why is that? 537 00:23:43,172 --> 00:23:45,174 Ma'am, sign off on the steps lineup. 538 00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:47,460 - We still have a gap. - Just spread all these guys out 539 00:23:47,510 --> 00:23:49,488 and get rid of this guy. He looks like Jeffrey dahmer. 540 00:23:49,512 --> 00:23:51,490 - Dan, maybe today? - Dan: Yeah. Sorry, one second. 541 00:23:51,514 --> 00:23:54,642 The beltway is clear. Thank you, selina. 542 00:23:54,726 --> 00:23:56,686 I'm glad there's no more traffic. 543 00:23:56,769 --> 00:23:59,439 - Yes, indeed. - Silver is the new gold. Is that right? 544 00:23:59,522 --> 00:24:01,774 - Amen. - Amy: Get off the damn phone, Dan. 545 00:24:01,858 --> 00:24:02,859 Dan: Ma'am, it's snl. 546 00:24:02,942 --> 00:24:04,569 - Give this to me. - Dan: Yeah, okay. 547 00:24:04,652 --> 00:24:05,903 Lorne? 548 00:24:06,029 --> 00:24:07,989 Hi, it's selina meyer! 549 00:24:08,072 --> 00:24:09,115 Amy: Is it printing? 550 00:24:09,198 --> 00:24:12,035 It says "sub adder." What the fuck is that? 551 00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:15,079 Yeah, that sounds great! Yes, I will. Bye-bye. 552 00:24:15,413 --> 00:24:17,516 - Yeah, that's taken care of. - They're gonna drop it? 553 00:24:17,540 --> 00:24:19,751 Yeah, after they do one more with me in it. 554 00:24:19,834 --> 00:24:21,252 I'm just gonna embrace it. 555 00:24:21,336 --> 00:24:22,816 What about taking a dump in your car? 556 00:24:23,588 --> 00:24:25,298 - You what? - No, before... 557 00:24:25,381 --> 00:24:26,758 - Are we ready to go? - Yeah. 558 00:24:26,841 --> 00:24:28,843 Great. Let's do it. 559 00:24:30,053 --> 00:24:32,388 That was fantastic, Mike. That was fantastic. Get up. 560 00:24:32,889 --> 00:24:34,283 - That was really nice. - Thank you, Jonah. 561 00:24:34,307 --> 00:24:35,451 Mike: Thank you, I owe you one. 562 00:24:35,475 --> 00:24:37,835 - What do you owe me for? - Because you're not gonna run it. 563 00:24:38,561 --> 00:24:40,813 (Chuckles) Mike, I'm absolutely running the story. 564 00:24:41,105 --> 00:24:44,108 And now the goober peas and the begging, that's all part of it. 565 00:24:44,817 --> 00:24:46,736 You forgot to say it was off the record. 566 00:24:47,195 --> 00:24:49,364 That's like journalism 101. 567 00:24:50,406 --> 00:24:51,824 Look into that, Mike. 568 00:24:52,408 --> 00:24:54,428 Alicia: If I'm not wanted here, I might as well go home. 569 00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:56,329 Dee: Leash, you cannot go home. 570 00:24:56,454 --> 00:24:58,456 You are the Rosa Parks of child care! 571 00:24:58,998 --> 00:25:00,958 At least Rosa got to sit down, right? 572 00:25:02,001 --> 00:25:04,087 Oh, my goodness. 573 00:25:04,170 --> 00:25:06,589 Who is this gorgeous... 574 00:25:06,756 --> 00:25:08,758 Hi, darling! Is this your baby girl? 575 00:25:08,925 --> 00:25:09,926 Uh-huh. 576 00:25:10,259 --> 00:25:11,761 Selina: Hi, sweetie! 577 00:25:12,470 --> 00:25:14,722 Do you want to say hello to senator Doyle? 578 00:25:14,806 --> 00:25:16,057 - Hello. - Oh. 579 00:25:16,265 --> 00:25:18,017 I know what you're doing, selina. 580 00:25:18,101 --> 00:25:23,064 Wouldn't it be a good idea if! Mentioned her in my speech 581 00:25:23,147 --> 00:25:24,816 as the face of the future? 582 00:25:25,108 --> 00:25:27,252 (In child's voice) Wouldn't that be good, senator Doyle? 583 00:25:27,276 --> 00:25:29,946 You wanna tell the little lady it's a good idea? 584 00:25:31,614 --> 00:25:34,701 - I think it's a good idea. - Yes, fantastic! 585 00:25:34,784 --> 00:25:36,536 - I follow you on Twitter! - You're kidding! 586 00:25:36,619 --> 00:25:37,912 - I love it. - I retweet you. 587 00:25:37,995 --> 00:25:39,622 Look at that coat. Where is my daughter? 588 00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:44,001 Do you think that we could borrow your coat, just for the speech? 589 00:25:44,085 --> 00:25:47,130 - Oh, my god. I would be so honored. - Selina: Great! We'll tweet it. 590 00:25:47,463 --> 00:25:49,650 Ma'am, does this mean you'll talk about universal child care? 591 00:25:49,674 --> 00:25:50,967 We have to go. 592 00:25:52,427 --> 00:25:53,467 (Indistinct crowd roaring) 593 00:25:53,511 --> 00:25:56,222 Selina: (On P.A.) And what does usa start with? 594 00:25:56,889 --> 00:25:59,809 That's right! It starts with you! 595 00:26:00,309 --> 00:26:03,813 Today I announce my candidacy 596 00:26:03,980 --> 00:26:07,984 - for president of the United States of America! - (Crowd cheering) 597 00:26:08,776 --> 00:26:11,904 Here I stand, there you are! 598 00:26:12,238 --> 00:26:13,990 Here we go! 599 00:26:16,951 --> 00:26:18,035 Selina: Oh, hey there! 600 00:26:18,161 --> 00:26:20,580 - Didn't she do a good job? - Alicia: Yes, she did. 601 00:26:20,663 --> 00:26:22,915 We need to get her a balloon with my face on it. Yeah? 602 00:26:23,082 --> 00:26:26,127 I know we got slightly derailed today with the universal child care, 603 00:26:26,210 --> 00:26:27,754 but now we are really back on a roll. 604 00:26:27,837 --> 00:26:29,297 Will you come on our walk, ma'am? 605 00:26:29,380 --> 00:26:32,383 Someone from the vice president's office will absolutely... 606 00:26:32,467 --> 00:26:34,927 Catherine, wouldn't you like to go on this lady's walk? 607 00:26:36,012 --> 00:26:38,806 - Yes, I would. - That's great news, thank you. 608 00:26:38,931 --> 00:26:42,018 - Thank you. - Alicia Bryce? Alicia Bryce? 609 00:26:42,393 --> 00:26:44,771 Mike mcclintock called you a cow earlier today. 610 00:26:44,854 --> 00:26:46,454 I wanted to know how that made you feel. 611 00:26:47,523 --> 00:26:49,001 I don't know what you're talking about. 612 00:26:49,025 --> 00:26:51,003 What do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about? 613 00:26:51,027 --> 00:26:52,278 I saw it happen! 614 00:26:52,361 --> 00:26:54,363 This is the problem with you new media guys. 615 00:26:54,447 --> 00:26:55,782 You don't check your facts. 616 00:26:55,907 --> 00:26:58,785 Jonah, you are the dick that keeps on giving! 617 00:26:59,410 --> 00:27:00,745 You can't Bury the truth, Mike. 618 00:27:00,828 --> 00:27:02,765 - Can we take Mr. Ryan out? - Jonah: This isn't fair! 619 00:27:02,789 --> 00:27:04,874 This is not fair. This is a conspiracy! 620 00:27:04,957 --> 00:27:07,210 - Thank you, Alicia. - You're not my friend. 621 00:27:07,335 --> 00:27:09,128 - You called me a cow. - I'm the cow! 622 00:27:09,212 --> 00:27:10,505 - Alicia: You are. - I'm the cow! 623 00:27:10,588 --> 00:27:11,631 - Moo! - (Dee chuckles) 624 00:27:11,714 --> 00:27:14,801 - When is the walk again? - Three weeks from today. 625 00:27:14,967 --> 00:27:17,720 I really don't think I'm going to be able to make it. 626 00:27:17,845 --> 00:27:19,180 I'm so sorry. 627 00:27:19,722 --> 00:27:21,140 (Stuttering) 628 00:27:21,682 --> 00:27:24,310 - You guys were an inspiration. - Thank you. 629 00:27:24,393 --> 00:27:26,312 - Can I get my coat back? - I don't know. 630 00:27:28,731 --> 00:27:29,732 (Applause and chuckles) 631 00:27:29,982 --> 00:27:32,443 Mommy, where's my pony? 632 00:27:32,902 --> 00:27:35,363 Selina: Bad news, honey. 633 00:27:35,571 --> 00:27:37,114 (Audience cheers) 634 00:27:41,828 --> 00:27:42,829 It got... 635 00:27:43,162 --> 00:27:47,250 It got cut in the latest round of debt ceiling talks. 636 00:27:47,625 --> 00:27:48,751 And... 637 00:27:49,001 --> 00:27:51,504 Live from New York, 638 00:27:51,587 --> 00:27:56,384 - it's Saturday night! - (Audience cheers) 639 00:27:56,467 --> 00:27:57,468 (Music playing)