1 00:00:19,437 --> 00:00:22,523 Dana: Gary, are you working on the night of our eighth month-iversary? 2 00:00:22,607 --> 00:00:24,042 Please don't tell me you're doing that face. 3 00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:25,985 Dana: I am doing that face. 4 00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:27,337 - Come on. And do you know... - (Phone ringing) 5 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:28,362 (Sighs) 6 00:00:28,571 --> 00:00:29,822 Hold on. 7 00:00:30,114 --> 00:00:31,741 Hey, Gary, honeymoons rule. 8 00:00:31,824 --> 00:00:33,427 The dirty dozen is on and we're eating chips 9 00:00:33,451 --> 00:00:35,411 from bowls perched on each other's bellies. 10 00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:37,163 Sounds great, Mike. 11 00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:39,457 We put a penny in a jar every time we have sex. 12 00:00:39,582 --> 00:00:41,125 We've already got like 15 in there. 13 00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:43,187 Did you call me to talk dirty about your honeymoon? 14 00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:45,296 - Dana: I can talk dirty. - That's okay. 15 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:48,674 Wendy got the heads up, potus's body man is quitting. 16 00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:50,959 - Marty? What, did he get sick or something? - Mmm-mmm. 17 00:00:51,135 --> 00:00:52,970 Law school. You gonna go for it? 18 00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:55,348 I don't wanna be a guy in his 40s carrying a bag. 19 00:00:55,973 --> 00:00:58,434 I've got ideas. I could advise selina on stuff. 20 00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:00,204 I've got plenty of things that I could tell her. 21 00:01:00,228 --> 00:01:03,147 Hey, gotta go. Telly savalas is gonna kill some Nazis. 22 00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:06,984 When did you get your dad's face? 23 00:01:07,443 --> 00:01:08,986 (Sirens wailing) 24 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,465 Amy: The world only just heard po tus isn't running again, 25 00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:14,283 so obviously we're not here and this doesn't exist. 26 00:01:14,367 --> 00:01:15,534 Your campaign office. 27 00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:17,745 What are these? These are the stables? 28 00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,830 Well, it's gonna get spruced up. 29 00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:22,541 Hello, hello, this is it, this is it. (Laughs) 30 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:24,418 It is. How are you? 31 00:01:24,502 --> 00:01:26,545 - Hi. - I'm afraid I don't know who you are. 32 00:01:26,671 --> 00:01:28,089 - I'm Kelly. - Selina: Hi, Kelly. 33 00:01:28,172 --> 00:01:29,882 - I'm working on your campaign. - Great. 34 00:01:29,966 --> 00:01:31,318 And I'll be taking photographs today. 35 00:01:31,342 --> 00:01:33,070 Amy: Amy brookheimer. You've been in touch with my... 36 00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:35,846 The men's toilet is busted, so... 37 00:01:36,013 --> 00:01:37,390 Here we are. (Chuckles) 38 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,142 Wow, here you are. See, now, I thought 39 00:01:40,226 --> 00:01:42,937 that I had left you 750 miles ago. 40 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:44,939 Ma'am, I'm going to follow you wherever you go. 41 00:01:45,022 --> 00:01:47,191 I'm going to be like a Disney animal. 42 00:01:47,525 --> 00:01:50,069 Uh, is there a space set aside for the campaign manager? 43 00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:51,195 Uh, not yet. 44 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,131 Could I have two seconds of your time? 45 00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:54,448 Sure thing. 46 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,284 I don't know why Richard is here. 47 00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:58,369 You said he was really good on the book tour. 48 00:01:58,452 --> 00:01:59,453 (Gary chuckles) 49 00:01:59,537 --> 00:02:02,915 No, I was trying to keep you from worrying about me. 50 00:02:05,835 --> 00:02:06,877 You're welcome. 51 00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:08,754 - I'll ditch him. - Yeah, right. 52 00:02:08,838 --> 00:02:10,638 Selina: Are you going on the coast guard boat? 53 00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:12,550 Well, I learned to swim especially. 54 00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:14,719 No, I meant... 55 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,114 Oh, my god. What is your name? I'm so sorry. 56 00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:18,865 - It starts with a k. - No, could you just tell me? 57 00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:20,349 - It's Kelly. - Kelly, right. 58 00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:22,536 So, you're coming on the boat, that's why you have the camera. 59 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:24,603 So, then, Richard, you're gonna need to stay here. 60 00:02:24,687 --> 00:02:26,367 Richard: Okay, well, you're in good hands. 61 00:02:26,397 --> 00:02:29,191 Kelly and I go way back. She's like another me. 62 00:02:29,275 --> 00:02:30,985 This doesn't work. Good. 63 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,421 This is a night patrol with the coast guard, 64 00:02:32,445 --> 00:02:34,613 so it's great pre-campaign campaigning. 65 00:02:34,739 --> 00:02:37,366 - I need a wipe. - No, no. Hey. 66 00:02:38,576 --> 00:02:40,336 Hey, ma'am, I've actually got a few ideas... 67 00:02:40,411 --> 00:02:42,663 You know, ma'am, I was thinking... 68 00:02:42,747 --> 00:02:44,498 - I might skip the boat. - What? 69 00:02:44,582 --> 00:02:47,084 Yeah, and just hang back here, do a little pre-prep. 70 00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:49,795 Why would that be, Dan? Is that a pre-stabbing in my pre-back? 71 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,464 I think I'm gonna need you 72 00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:54,800 just in case we make a drug bust or something and I need some sort of 73 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,386 - snappy one-liners. - Uh... 74 00:02:58,262 --> 00:03:01,849 "The only laundering you're gonna be doing from now on is gonna be prison blankets." 75 00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:03,351 That's kind of clever. 76 00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:06,645 "The only crack you're going to see belongs to some guy in a shower." 77 00:03:06,771 --> 00:03:08,439 - Don't be cute. - Oh, my god. 78 00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:11,442 So, here, it begins here, 79 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,235 "in this Polish dungeon." 80 00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,362 (All laughing) 81 00:03:14,445 --> 00:03:16,739 Hey, ma'am, about the campaign, I had an idea. 82 00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:20,326 - Here you go. - Instead of doing all this pre-campaigning, 83 00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:22,328 sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, 84 00:03:22,495 --> 00:03:25,432 you say, "I'm selina meyer and I'm running for president of the United States." 85 00:03:25,456 --> 00:03:26,767 I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quick. 86 00:03:26,791 --> 00:03:29,043 It's way too early. You don't announce your candidacy 87 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:30,628 while the incumbent is still warm. 88 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,105 - (Door slams) - Amy: The basic thing... 89 00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:34,066 That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral. 90 00:03:34,090 --> 00:03:35,674 There's a little trick to it. 91 00:03:35,758 --> 00:03:38,511 - The trick would be to move it. - You're right, and I sure will. 92 00:03:38,594 --> 00:03:40,221 You would have her start her campaign 93 00:03:40,304 --> 00:03:42,807 with no strategy, no money, no staff, 94 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,743 except for Superman and wonder woman over there, 95 00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:46,268 just, "I wanna be president." 96 00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:47,996 Ma'am, I don't know if you heard what he was saying... 97 00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:50,580 No, I didn't hear what he was saying. But I agree with Dan, okay? 98 00:03:50,648 --> 00:03:53,901 And I completely appreciate your ideas, Gary. 99 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:55,670 Dan: No matter how dumb they are. Amy: So, let's go. 100 00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:57,154 The coasts won't guard themselves. 101 00:03:57,238 --> 00:03:59,156 Let me tell you what we need to do. 102 00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:04,453 They intercepted an individual untracked vessel, suspicious cargo. 103 00:04:04,537 --> 00:04:05,746 They're requesting backup. 104 00:04:05,830 --> 00:04:07,974 - Oh, is it a drug boat? - We're looking into it, ma'am. 105 00:04:07,998 --> 00:04:09,142 Amy: That's a stroke of luck. 106 00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:10,477 Selina: I'm gonna do a short, little video thing. 107 00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:12,086 - Okay. - The drugs stop here. 108 00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:13,462 Gary: Oh! 109 00:04:13,546 --> 00:04:15,482 No, no, don't say anything right after, 'cause it ruins it. 110 00:04:15,506 --> 00:04:17,550 - Got it. - The drugs stop here. 111 00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:19,135 - We need to go, ma'am. - Yes, yes. 112 00:04:19,218 --> 00:04:21,429 - Just one second. - "They stop here," firm. 113 00:04:21,512 --> 00:04:23,639 - The drugs stop here. - Gary: Nice. 114 00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:26,809 - Thank you. - One thing, this definitely does not do video. 115 00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:28,894 - Selina: I'm sorry? - Then what were you doing? 116 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:30,896 Perfect. 117 00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:32,690 Use your common sense next time. 118 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,276 You just gonna sit there, spongebob? 119 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,087 Just got to take a seat for a second, okay? 120 00:04:37,111 --> 00:04:39,196 - We haven't even shoved off. - I know, I know. 121 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,489 I'm not great on boats, okay? 122 00:04:40,573 --> 00:04:42,408 Are you getting pre-sick? 123 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,034 - Get downstairs. - (Belches) 124 00:04:44,118 --> 00:04:46,954 - Gary: It's below deck. - Come on, egan, god damn it. 125 00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:48,330 Oh! 126 00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:54,253 Mikey, honey, 127 00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:56,839 look who I found in a basket at our front door. 128 00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,900 - Jonah, what are you doing here? - Jonah: What's up, Mike? 129 00:04:58,924 --> 00:05:00,384 You gonna introduce me? 130 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:03,095 Yeah. Walt, Randall, this is sasquatch. 131 00:05:03,179 --> 00:05:05,181 The edible garbage is out back in the alley. 132 00:05:05,264 --> 00:05:07,641 What's up, y'all punk-ass bitches? I'm Jonah Ryan. 133 00:05:07,725 --> 00:05:10,394 Wow. "Bitches." All right, we're gonna have dinner soon. 134 00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,897 And then I taped the great escape for later. 135 00:05:13,022 --> 00:05:15,608 - Oh. 17? - 17. 136 00:05:15,858 --> 00:05:17,401 So wrap it up soon. 137 00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:20,654 So, you're probably bumming you can't be 138 00:05:20,738 --> 00:05:23,240 out on that boat in Baltimore harbor with the veep, huh? 139 00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,783 - Honeymoon. - Yeah. 140 00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:27,995 Is she going to her campaign headquarters in Maryland after? 141 00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:30,706 Yeah, but it's not a campaign office. 142 00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:32,249 It's a real estate acquisition. 143 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,043 Oh, yeah. Of course, right. 144 00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,420 - Keep it quiet. - A pac-quisition, huh? 145 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,215 Big man, up top. For the win. 146 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,467 Hey, Mike, serious talk. 147 00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:44,030 The reason I'm here is because I'm opening up a consulting firm 148 00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:45,137 and I want you on board. 149 00:05:45,221 --> 00:05:48,265 Consulting on what? How to delete your Internet search history? 150 00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:50,851 So, Jonah, heard you got canned. 151 00:05:50,935 --> 00:05:53,354 Yeah. But you know what? It was for the best. 152 00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:55,940 I was telling Mike about it. It's gonna be called ryantology. 153 00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:59,193 DC insider turns DC outlaw, 154 00:05:59,318 --> 00:06:01,028 energizing democracy, 155 00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,572 taking from the powerful and giving to the pitiful. 156 00:06:03,656 --> 00:06:05,759 - Know what I'm saying? - Why are you at our house, then? 157 00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:07,034 Maybe he needs a start-up. 158 00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:09,179 Remember that random dude who used to hang out on our street 159 00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:10,454 asking mom for money? 160 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:12,373 - That was Mike. - (Both laughing) 161 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:14,416 Very funny. Good ones, guys. 162 00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:16,460 You know what, honey? I am gonna replace 163 00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:18,462 your lemonade with an ice-cold beer. 164 00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:20,130 - Grazie. - Mmm-hmm. 165 00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:22,299 You've got her well trained already, Mike. 166 00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,023 Mike: Your business model sucks. I'm out. 167 00:06:24,093 --> 00:06:26,613 Hey, Wendy, if you're grabbing beers, would you mind grabbing... 168 00:06:26,679 --> 00:06:27,972 Okay, that's fine. 169 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,348 (Siren wailing) 170 00:06:29,682 --> 00:06:31,882 Officer: Remain still, sir. Hands where we can see them. 171 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:36,772 Selina: Wow. We need to get a photo of me with him surrendering. 172 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,065 Is that wrong to do that? 173 00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:41,360 No, it's just a shame they couldn't arrest someone a little more photogenic. 174 00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:43,737 We can just pixelate him, the face. 175 00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:46,240 - That's fine. - I have no idea how to do that. 176 00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:48,325 Hey, I voted for you! 177 00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:50,244 Selina: Thank you very much, sir, 178 00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:52,580 but I'm afraid you have to go to prison! 179 00:06:52,705 --> 00:06:56,125 Ma'am, we need to get back. Potus has made a statement. 180 00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:57,585 What? What now? 181 00:06:57,668 --> 00:06:59,068 Officer: Sir, can you explain this? 182 00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:01,064 Selina: Gary. Gary: You gotta get a shot of this. 183 00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,566 - Ma'am... - Gary: Swords. He's got swords. 184 00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:05,551 Fuck the swords. Potus just announced that he's now pro-life. 185 00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:09,305 - What? - Our potus? The potus? 186 00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:13,726 Institute of medical ethics, after-dinner speech, 20-week cutoff! 187 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:17,229 He's pro-choice! Now all of a sudden, he's pro-life? 188 00:07:17,313 --> 00:07:19,189 They're already calling him pro-tus, 189 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:22,067 which is stupid because both sides have pro at the start. 190 00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:23,444 - Selina: Gary! - Yeah. 191 00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:25,863 - Selina: Go get Dan! - He's downstairs. 192 00:07:25,988 --> 00:07:28,282 Below deck, Amy. You gotta say below deck. 193 00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:30,743 Amy: He says, "maybe it's time we give back 194 00:07:30,826 --> 00:07:33,454 "a little freedom to those who cannot choose." 195 00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:36,498 Okay, Amy, I do not mean to sound paranoid, 196 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,542 but he is trying to kill me. 197 00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:40,937 Both: We need to turn this boat around. Selina: Right, exactly. 198 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,564 Selina: We gotta figure out what I'm gonna say. 199 00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:43,690 Yeah, I just gotta... (Belches) 200 00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:46,884 We are pro-choice, but we're not controversial, right? 201 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:50,804 Yeah, they got first trimester, second trimester, third trimester... 202 00:07:50,888 --> 00:07:54,058 You're listing trimesters. Stop it! 203 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,644 Let's go downstairs and figure out what we're gonna say. 204 00:07:56,727 --> 00:07:59,355 It's below deck! We gotta go below deck! 205 00:07:59,438 --> 00:08:01,523 Selina: We've got to figure this out. Come on. 206 00:08:02,775 --> 00:08:05,110 Hi, sue. Is the vice president around? 207 00:08:05,194 --> 00:08:07,655 She is not, sir. She's on a coast guard boat 208 00:08:07,738 --> 00:08:09,406 meeting and greeting fish. 209 00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:11,659 Ah, the salty sea. 210 00:08:14,453 --> 00:08:17,748 Sue, forgive me, but have you altered your hair, perhaps? 211 00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:20,793 I got it chemically relaxed. It was enormously painful. 212 00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,395 Well, it seems to be working for you. 213 00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:23,587 Thank you. 214 00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:27,841 Damn it. The president's gone rogue. 215 00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:31,303 Sue, apologies. We will continue our pleasant chat at a later date. 216 00:08:31,387 --> 00:08:32,680 Abortion calls. 217 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,348 Ben: Ma'am, iswear to god, 218 00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:36,242 we all thought he was gonna just eat some shrimp, 219 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:38,185 rattle off a few platitudes, go home, 220 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:41,647 watch full metal jacket for the millionth time and fall asleep. 221 00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:44,858 Kelly, tell Mike to climb off his wife and get on the speakerphone, now. 222 00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:46,026 Do you know what this is? 223 00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:47,295 Let me explain something to you. 224 00:08:47,319 --> 00:08:50,656 This is potus trying to screw me, okay? 225 00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:53,826 This is the unflushable turd 226 00:08:53,909 --> 00:08:58,080 that is left in the can for the next person, e.G. Me. 227 00:08:58,163 --> 00:08:59,873 The toilet's still broken, fyi. 228 00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:01,417 Has potus gone nuts? 229 00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,210 We can't have a crazy president. 230 00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:04,604 - In Italy they do. - (Selina exhales) 231 00:09:04,628 --> 00:09:06,606 We have to get all of the special interest groups in. 232 00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:08,132 Right, we have to bring them all in, 233 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:11,468 and I'll listen the shit out of every one of those morons. 234 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:14,555 Ben: This issue is toxic. So keep the groups apart. 235 00:09:14,638 --> 00:09:16,724 Pro-choice in the morning, pro-life in the afternoon 236 00:09:16,849 --> 00:09:18,350 so nobody shoots any doctors. 237 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:21,145 Ma'am, listen, you're going to end up pissing somebody off. 238 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:22,855 It's better to just take a stand now. 239 00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:24,064 Putting through Mike. 240 00:09:24,148 --> 00:09:26,588 Mike on speaker: Hi, guys. How was that coast guard boat, huh? 241 00:09:26,650 --> 00:09:29,069 - That's my bad. - Just put it through on this one. 242 00:09:29,153 --> 00:09:30,696 Incompatibility issues. 243 00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:32,364 Just bring it over here, please. 244 00:09:32,448 --> 00:09:33,866 - Hang on, Mike. - Mike: Hello? 245 00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:35,969 - It doesn't reach. - Selina: Would you please move? 246 00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:37,220 - Kelly: Yes. - You hold this here. 247 00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,705 Were you on an rb-m or an rb-s ii? 248 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:41,558 We really can't talk about the boat right now, 249 00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:45,419 because, Mike, we're trying to figure out how I think about this issue. 250 00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:46,503 Okay. 251 00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:48,898 The post wants to know if you've changed your stance on abortion... 252 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,132 - Re po tus. - Yeah. 253 00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:52,259 So you could say, "as a woman I believe..." 254 00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,511 No, no, no! No, no, no! 255 00:09:54,595 --> 00:09:56,597 I can't identify myself as a woman. 256 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,266 People can't know that. Men hate that. 257 00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:01,226 And women who hate women hate that, 258 00:10:01,310 --> 00:10:03,580 which, I believe, is most women, don't you agree with that? 259 00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:06,607 Yes, and, ma'am, we should bag this up and take it back to DC. 260 00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:08,025 - Good idea. - Yeah. Right. 261 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,652 Oh. Uh, Jonah knows we opened a campaign office. 262 00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:12,738 He came by my house, Wendy's house. 263 00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:14,782 You let that unstable 264 00:10:14,865 --> 00:10:17,117 piece of human scaffolding into your house? 265 00:10:17,201 --> 00:10:18,303 Ben: And you didn't shoot him? 266 00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:20,013 Mike: Oh, hey, Ben, I didn't know you were on the phone. 267 00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:21,997 I swear to god, I felt better on the fucking boat. 268 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:25,209 Ma'am, didn't you write something about abortion in your book? 269 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,293 Oh! 270 00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:28,104 - Good point. Good point. - Yeah. Good, Gary. 271 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,273 Selina: Good. Where's the book? Does anybody have a copy of the book here? 272 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:31,858 - Guys, who has a copy? - What did she write? 273 00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:34,042 You know what? I have a bunch of unsold ones in my car. 274 00:10:34,218 --> 00:10:36,053 Mike: Honey, is selina's book in the bathroom? 275 00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:38,972 Okay, here we go. Abbey road, abolition, aboriginal mask... 276 00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:40,766 - Mike: Page 135. - This is it. 277 00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:44,436 "Freedom is what this nation is built on" blah, blah, blah... 278 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,313 "And freedom means the freedom to choose 279 00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:49,733 "how to use that freedom to protect the freedom of others." 280 00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:52,486 Sorry, that's just pastel-colored shit. 281 00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:54,196 It's gotta be more clear than that. 282 00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:56,990 (Chuckles) You make it very clear you're pro-choice. 283 00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:59,135 Mike: Okay, I got it, "freedom is what this nation..." 284 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,537 Done it, Mike. It's gonna come down to the cutoff week. 285 00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:03,747 - It always does. - Dan: There's two doors, okay? 286 00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:05,457 - Pro-choice, pro-life. - Yeah. 287 00:11:05,541 --> 00:11:07,519 There's no point in rattling the handles on either one of them. 288 00:11:07,543 --> 00:11:09,383 You just gotta pick a door and walk through it. 289 00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:11,046 Ma'am, Kent davison called. 290 00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:14,091 There was an issue with the patch-through, it doesn't matter. 291 00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:17,928 Message, "urgent, have booked you to appear on gma at 7:00." 292 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,471 I'm sorry, what did you just say? 293 00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:21,098 Give me this, god damn it. 294 00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:24,434 - He said 7:00 am? - It's good morning america, Amy. 295 00:11:24,518 --> 00:11:26,728 - The clue is in the title. - Ame, can we... 296 00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:31,275 - We can't unbook you. - No, no. That would look bad. 297 00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:33,777 - Ben: Jesus. Fucking Kent. - (Beeps) 298 00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:37,656 I can't listen to that Joan Crawford bitch about Bette Davis any longer. 299 00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,116 Well, this is potus, you know? 300 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,451 This is the president trying to tell me what to do. 301 00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:43,638 He can't do that. I'm the vice president of the United States. 302 00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:45,765 Dan: That's right. That's right. And as vice president, 303 00:11:45,789 --> 00:11:47,499 here's your choice, two doors, 304 00:11:47,583 --> 00:11:49,793 pro-choice, pro-life. That's it. 305 00:11:50,127 --> 00:11:51,545 Is there a third door? 306 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:54,298 - What, like a woman's door? - A back door? No. 307 00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:56,508 A trapdoor? 308 00:11:58,385 --> 00:11:59,511 This is Jonah Ryan 309 00:11:59,595 --> 00:12:02,681 and you are witnessing the birth of ryantology. 310 00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:05,225 Old media like the Washington toast, 311 00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:09,104 better go run and hide in the bathroom and join the poo York times. 312 00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:10,814 Because we are cutting in. 313 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:13,901 I'm going to be updating more than I'm actually dating, 314 00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:15,819 which is a shitload. 315 00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,405 First up, abortion. 316 00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:21,533 And now that the president's given his state of the uterus address, 317 00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:23,535 where will the others fall in? 318 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,537 We have Maddox. He's conservative. 319 00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:26,788 Chung, he's liberal. 320 00:12:26,872 --> 00:12:29,333 But where does selina meyer stand? 321 00:12:29,625 --> 00:12:31,919 The first call could rule them all. 322 00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:34,530 - So how do I turn this off? - You just hit the red button. 323 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,888 - There are two. There's one on the side. - Just the one in the middle. 324 00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:42,095 Why do I gotta deal with this pile of ass in the middle of the night? 325 00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:44,556 Because we need to get first dibs on a statement. 326 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,440 Well, you know what I think. I'm a Christian. 327 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:49,853 - I'm not going to deny that. - Please, do not go religious. 328 00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:52,189 - Go ambiguous. - By saying what? 329 00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:55,359 "Blah, blah, blah, blah abortion, blah, blah, blah, blah"? 330 00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:57,569 - Sounds good to me. - Well, you fill in the blahs. 331 00:12:57,653 --> 00:12:59,821 - I'm going back to bed. - (Sighs) 332 00:13:00,155 --> 00:13:04,785 Okay, ma'am, you have the ama/acog, west wing, 1:30 am. 333 00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:08,789 Planned parenthood at 2:30 am. In the eeob to avoid a clash. 334 00:13:08,872 --> 00:13:10,415 Unflabby precision. Excellent. 335 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:15,712 Okay, how about this, "a woman has autonomy over her own body. 336 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:18,215 "But the rights of an unborn..." 337 00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:21,051 Uh, I thought I had it there. 338 00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:22,761 Maybe I should just say, 339 00:13:22,844 --> 00:13:26,723 "get the government out of my fuckin' snatch," you know? 340 00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:29,062 How many pressure groups do we have in all, sue? 341 00:13:29,101 --> 00:13:30,560 Pro-life, 45. 342 00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,104 Pro-choice, about the same. 343 00:13:32,187 --> 00:13:33,981 Is there a "pro-i don't give a shit" lobby? 344 00:13:34,064 --> 00:13:35,232 Yeah. You're looking at him. 345 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,234 - I got posters, buttons... - (Scoffs) 346 00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:39,695 Not really, 'cause I don't give a shit. 347 00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:42,489 If men got pregnant, you could get an abortion at an atm. 348 00:13:42,572 --> 00:13:44,157 Let's state the obvious. 349 00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,827 If I say that I am pro-life, 350 00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:48,245 then I'm a traitor to my sex. 351 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,913 If I say that I'm pro-choice, 352 00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,707 then I'm a traitor to the president. 353 00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:53,559 Which makes me an actual traitor, by the way. 354 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,645 - You know that? - Yeah, but it already happened, okay? 355 00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:58,296 I can't get potus to wave his transvaginal wand 356 00:13:58,380 --> 00:13:59,381 and make it all go away. 357 00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:02,134 Ma'am, your gender is worth at least double on this issue. 358 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:04,469 The data's right. As a woman, you can really kick ass. 359 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,430 As a woman... (Chuckles) 360 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:09,933 I am not gonna put in a fuckin' sentence "as a woman." 361 00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:11,852 I'm not putting my eggs in that basket. 362 00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:14,938 All right, I'll start polling. Nice dress. 363 00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:17,357 - It's a skirt and top. - Even better. 364 00:14:17,441 --> 00:14:20,777 Okay, so are we gonna say screw polling and just pick a number 365 00:14:20,861 --> 00:14:22,946 or both, or what? 366 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:25,323 God, it's not that simple, Dan. 367 00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:27,159 Dan: Yes, Gary, it is. 368 00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:28,785 - Have you seen the graph? - Yeah. 369 00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:31,556 How could we get it all on the graph, Gary, if it wasn't that simple? 370 00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:33,665 It isn't that simple, all right? 371 00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:37,419 This is about access to safe abortions 372 00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:38,837 for vulnerable women. 373 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:41,131 - It is a serious issue. - Yeah. 374 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,800 - Ma'am, I've laid out a line of fruit for you. - What is this? 375 00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:47,679 It's the size of the baby in different stages during pregnancy. 376 00:14:47,846 --> 00:14:50,724 It would take a brain about this size 377 00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:52,476 to think that this shit's useful. 378 00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:53,727 This is not helpful at all. 379 00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:56,021 And you need to stop calling these things babies. 380 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:58,398 Okay, I was thinking we need to get the number of weeks 381 00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:00,150 and the interest groups up on a... 382 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,110 Oh, good. Nice job. 383 00:15:02,486 --> 00:15:05,864 Holy shit. Maddox is about to issue a statement in five. 384 00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:08,325 At 1:00 in the morning? What's his statement gonna be? 385 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,659 "I have to go to the bathroom"? 386 00:15:09,785 --> 00:15:11,679 Reggie: Rachel hortenthall from planned parenthood 387 00:15:11,703 --> 00:15:14,331 is heading to eeob at 2:30 a. 388 00:15:14,456 --> 00:15:17,501 Boom, boom, shake-shake the womb! 389 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,878 Selina's calling in the contraceptistas! 390 00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:21,403 We're gonna blog this shit to fuck. 391 00:15:21,463 --> 00:15:24,224 Mark, get a screen grab of that fetus from the end of 2001, all right? 392 00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:25,467 Send it to me. 393 00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:27,969 - Maddox has just made a statement. - What is it? 394 00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:31,681 "Science may give us the map, but we are lost without morality's compass." 395 00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:34,851 "The right to free speech includes the right to free thought." 396 00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:38,188 "I can't in all conscience politicize this as an issue." 397 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,732 - Ah. - Jesus, what a talking gas giant. 398 00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:42,442 It's like listening to Jupiter. 399 00:15:42,526 --> 00:15:44,111 Selina: Well, he fucking fudged it. 400 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:47,197 So now we know he's running for president. That stupid bastard. 401 00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:50,534 Ma'am, Maddox said nothing, but at least he said something. 402 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,702 We've literally said nothing. 403 00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:55,789 Meanwhile, that shit shovel-faced fuckin' Jonah is out there 404 00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,707 telling people you're feeling out options. 405 00:15:57,791 --> 00:15:59,292 We need to pick a number. 406 00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:03,255 - No, I know, but I need to get clarity here. - (Groans) 407 00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:05,298 - I'm not feeling it. - Dan: I was clear. 408 00:16:05,549 --> 00:16:08,051 I was clear. We just need to pick a fucking number, 409 00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,219 any fucking number. 410 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,102 Give that fucking number to the fucking press, 411 00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:12,514 and go to fucking bed! 412 00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,307 How much more clarity do you need? 413 00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:16,685 You want to put it on a t-shirt? Come on! 414 00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:18,353 (Whistles) 415 00:16:21,773 --> 00:16:25,026 I'm so sorry. I did not mean to blow up like that. 416 00:16:27,571 --> 00:16:28,780 Selina: Well... 417 00:16:31,575 --> 00:16:33,493 I accept your apology 418 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:35,662 while retaining the right 419 00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:38,540 to fire the fuck out of you. 420 00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:41,710 Shall I print that up on a t-shirt that I could give to you? 421 00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,628 This whole thing has got me on edge. 422 00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:46,173 I was puking my brains out on that boat for hours. 423 00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:48,300 Jonah's got me absolutely homicidal. 424 00:16:48,592 --> 00:16:49,652 - (Stuttering) I'm sorry. - Uh-huh. 425 00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:51,761 - You need to apologize. - He did apologize. 426 00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:53,346 You need it in writing! 427 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:56,016 - Look, I love abortion, okay? - Oh. 428 00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:57,767 I am an abortionado. 429 00:16:57,893 --> 00:16:59,186 But I would go pro-life 430 00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:01,271 in a fetal fucking heartbeat if it meant winning. 431 00:17:01,396 --> 00:17:04,733 You're suggesting that you would like me to be a hypocrite like Maddox? 432 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,360 Okay, so you need to go home. 433 00:17:07,444 --> 00:17:08,820 Yes, ma'am. 434 00:17:10,906 --> 00:17:13,909 Moving on and Dan may be quite soon, 435 00:17:14,242 --> 00:17:16,286 someone needs to go get cardinal branzini. 436 00:17:16,453 --> 00:17:18,538 Oh, my god. The catholics next. 437 00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:20,790 Madam vice president, cardinal branzini. 438 00:17:20,916 --> 00:17:23,084 - Madam vice president. - Oh, cardinal. 439 00:17:23,418 --> 00:17:26,296 - Am I in the right room? - Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. 440 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,715 - Oh! Excuse you. (Laughs) - Sorry. Excuse me. 441 00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:31,218 I'd love to take you into the inner sanctum. 442 00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:33,261 How very Dan brown. (Chuckles) 443 00:17:33,345 --> 00:17:34,888 This way, cardinal, thank you. 444 00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:37,224 Selina: Come on in. 445 00:17:37,307 --> 00:17:39,935 Here's something else to sew into your giant fucking crazy quilt. 446 00:17:40,143 --> 00:17:43,355 Jonah is now telling people that selina's meeting with planned parenthood. 447 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,649 Go home. Take an Ambien. Take 50. 448 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:48,526 She's talking to everyone. I think the amish are coming in next. 449 00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:51,905 I'm going home. And if anybody needs me, 450 00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:53,531 - I don't care. - Night. 451 00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:56,368 We need to get in Rachel what's-her-face from planned parenthood. 452 00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:59,371 - Gary, could you finesse that for me? - Yes, yes. 453 00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,098 Ooh! I thought you were going to say sue. 454 00:18:01,122 --> 00:18:03,500 I don't need an enhanced role to know my worth, Gary. 455 00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,311 Amy: Mike, I need you to steer in Cunningham. 456 00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:07,775 He's pro-life, so keep him away from Rachel or he'll kill her. 457 00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:10,340 - Copy. - Amy: Sue, help Kent finish polling now. 458 00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:14,261 Okay, but if he touches my hair, I'm calling the police. 459 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,554 - Okay. - Gary: I don't need my bag. 460 00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,265 I don't need my bag. 461 00:18:18,515 --> 00:18:20,183 (Laughing) I don't need my bag. 462 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:25,063 Selina: I really did want to see you first, your excellency, 463 00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:27,268 because I wanted to get a little extra time with you. 464 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,651 Let me just do one quick thing, excuse me. 465 00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:34,447 Make sure you cancel everything, please, 466 00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:36,371 so I can get plenty of time with the cardinal. 467 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,118 Okay? Yeah. 468 00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:43,415 Okay, so now the phones have taken a vow of silence. 469 00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:45,208 (Selina laughing) 470 00:18:46,418 --> 00:18:47,669 Okay, we're right this way. 471 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,713 That is a gorgeous color on you, by the way. 472 00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:52,382 Thank you. So where is the vp's thinking on this? 473 00:18:52,841 --> 00:18:55,719 Thinking... There's a lot of numbers being thrown out. 474 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,971 Speaking of numbers, there's over 30,000 tiles... 475 00:18:58,054 --> 00:18:59,991 That's not really the kind of numbers that I'm talking about. 476 00:19:00,015 --> 00:19:02,100 Okay, you know what? It's actually this way. 477 00:19:02,183 --> 00:19:03,303 Did you find the place okay? 478 00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:07,105 - Are you lost? - No. This is what we call the grub hub. 479 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,482 I'll see you at St. Stephen's on Sunday. 480 00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:10,775 - Excellent. - Great. 481 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:12,902 (Whispers) Oh, my god. 482 00:19:13,111 --> 00:19:14,821 Uh, thank you for your service. 483 00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:17,532 Of course, yes. I have the vice president right here. 484 00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:19,868 Ma'am, I have the accdp on the line. 485 00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,286 I'm gonna put you on speaker. 486 00:19:21,453 --> 00:19:23,038 - Woman: Hello? - Hello. 487 00:19:23,121 --> 00:19:24,998 - (Whispering) Who are they? - Oh, the anti... 488 00:19:25,081 --> 00:19:26,458 No, the anti-abortion... 489 00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:30,003 No, the association of... it's in my phone. 490 00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:33,089 - Can you hear me? - Yes, I can. I can. 491 00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,550 Madam vice president. It's such an honor. 492 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,177 Thank you so, so much. 493 00:19:37,552 --> 00:19:40,055 You know, I really did want to speak with you first 494 00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:42,515 because I wanted to make sure 495 00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:46,770 that we got a little extra time to talk together. 496 00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:48,021 (Mouthing) 497 00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:50,940 Frankly, ma'am, our position hasn't changed one inch. 498 00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:53,777 Well, you know what? 499 00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:56,946 It's a matter of conviction for me, too. 500 00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:58,990 - Pro-life. - They're pro-choice. 501 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:02,452 I think our position's pretty clear from the title of our organization. 502 00:20:02,577 --> 00:20:03,912 Yeah, of course. 503 00:20:04,287 --> 00:20:06,956 - Accdp. - Oh, my god. 504 00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:09,709 God, the lighting is so unflattering. 505 00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:12,670 Can I ask you a question? Are you hiding from someone? 506 00:20:12,796 --> 00:20:13,838 (Gary chuckles) 507 00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:15,632 Aren't we all hiding from somebody? 508 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,050 I'm gonna make a quick call. 509 00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,593 Really quick, just really quick. 510 00:20:18,676 --> 00:20:19,719 (Chuckles) 511 00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:21,262 One second. So sorry. 512 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,974 God! 513 00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:28,311 (Whispers) Get your shit together, Gary. 514 00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:31,689 You can do this. You can do this. 515 00:20:31,815 --> 00:20:32,816 (Clears throat) 516 00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:35,922 - Excuse me for just a minute. - Uh... 517 00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:38,947 I realize that life is precious. 518 00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:43,326 "And so are the hard-won freedoms..." 519 00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:45,763 - Oh, thank god. - Woman: Thank you, ma'am. 520 00:20:45,787 --> 00:20:47,872 - Selina: Thank you. Bye-bye. - Good—bye. 521 00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:51,292 She was from the adccp. Sorry. 522 00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:53,628 - And who are they? - I'm not quite sure. 523 00:20:53,711 --> 00:20:55,380 - Ah. - It's in my phone. 524 00:20:55,672 --> 00:20:56,881 See that, ma'am? 525 00:20:58,174 --> 00:21:00,635 I've got Cunningham. I know, he's pro-choice. 526 00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:03,012 - Both: Life! - Got it. 527 00:21:04,848 --> 00:21:06,641 - Okay, we're good. Yeah. - Good? 528 00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:09,561 - Okay, that's good. I don't need any help. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 529 00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:11,688 - You like music? - I suppose. Why? 530 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,731 Oh, the new McCartney is worth checking out. 531 00:21:13,857 --> 00:21:16,151 - Right now, or can it wait? - It can wait. 532 00:21:16,234 --> 00:21:17,360 You're in here. 533 00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:19,404 (Sighs) 534 00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:21,364 The vice president will see you now... 535 00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:25,034 Uh, it's probably better if we go in separately, wouldn't you think? 536 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:26,619 Your right to choose, Amy. 537 00:21:26,870 --> 00:21:30,206 The vice president will see you now, Mr. Cunningham. 538 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,251 Pleasure to meet you. 539 00:21:34,502 --> 00:21:36,397 I've got some free lunch passes if you'd like... 540 00:21:36,421 --> 00:21:40,049 Listen. I've worked in DC for 10 years, and I've never been treated like this. 541 00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:41,968 - Bundled around like a refugee? - I'm sorry. 542 00:21:42,051 --> 00:21:43,404 I'm gonna back your boss, I always have. 543 00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:44,905 - But you need to quit this job... - I know. 544 00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:46,723 And find something you're halfway decent at. 545 00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:49,142 Thank you. Yeah. Thank you so much. 546 00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:50,310 (Sighs) 547 00:21:50,393 --> 00:21:52,812 If this footage looks kind of like cloverfield, 548 00:21:52,896 --> 00:21:54,647 it's not because my hand's shaking, 549 00:21:54,731 --> 00:21:57,650 it's because a fucking earthquake just hit DC! 550 00:21:58,234 --> 00:21:59,903 You feeling the heat, old media? 551 00:22:00,069 --> 00:22:02,906 Because it's three strikes and you're out. 552 00:22:04,073 --> 00:22:05,575 Tell them I'm coming in for 50. 553 00:22:06,242 --> 00:22:09,037 - They hung up. - You know what? Fuck huff po. 554 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,123 They should be called puff ho 'cause Arianna huffington is a straight-up ho 555 00:22:12,207 --> 00:22:13,447 and all they do is puff pieces. 556 00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:15,919 Wait, request from msnbc. 557 00:22:16,085 --> 00:22:19,047 They want you on at 7:00 am. They're gonna send a car. 558 00:22:19,422 --> 00:22:21,299 Ha-ha. Got it! 559 00:22:21,382 --> 00:22:23,676 Ma'am, chung's statement. 10 minutes early. 560 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,362 Pulled a few strings from my buddies down at... 561 00:22:25,386 --> 00:22:27,698 Please tell us about the strings, Mike, don't tell us what's in it. 562 00:22:27,722 --> 00:22:31,518 Oh, sarcasm. That's an interesting strategy for a potential campaign manager, Amy. 563 00:22:31,935 --> 00:22:33,353 Apologies. Rewind. 564 00:22:33,436 --> 00:22:35,372 Get the fuck on with it, Mike. She's got a point. Let's go. 565 00:22:35,396 --> 00:22:37,082 Oh. Sorry. Just printed it. Haven't read it. 566 00:22:37,106 --> 00:22:38,709 Literally was trying to read it when I was running over, 567 00:22:38,733 --> 00:22:39,859 so I couldn't do either. 568 00:22:39,943 --> 00:22:42,963 Okay, here we go. "First let me say that I commend the president's clarity..." 569 00:22:42,987 --> 00:22:44,030 Skip that part. 570 00:22:44,155 --> 00:22:47,116 "Advances in science have brought us to a moral conundrum..." 571 00:22:48,952 --> 00:22:51,120 "I believe a 22-week cutoff is appropriate." 572 00:22:51,663 --> 00:22:53,790 Has anyone ever come up with that number before? 573 00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:54,958 Never. 574 00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:56,668 We're going to need a bigger melon. 575 00:22:56,751 --> 00:22:58,711 Selina: Dan was right. I've got to pick a number. 576 00:22:58,836 --> 00:23:01,714 Okay, well, obviously we can just go anywhere now 577 00:23:01,798 --> 00:23:03,174 without going over 40. 578 00:23:03,258 --> 00:23:04,968 Half weeks? 22 and a half weeks. 579 00:23:05,093 --> 00:23:07,133 22 and a half weeks, sounds like an erotic thriller. 580 00:23:07,345 --> 00:23:10,807 - What about days? - Yes, like 140 days. 581 00:23:11,432 --> 00:23:14,310 - Which is in weeks... - Divide by seven, Mike. 582 00:23:14,561 --> 00:23:17,230 - Two... 20. - Yeah. 583 00:23:17,313 --> 00:23:19,732 I can't stick to 24 weeks now 584 00:23:19,816 --> 00:23:22,652 because that's gonna make me the most liberal 585 00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:24,195 and the most female. 586 00:23:24,696 --> 00:23:27,532 Chung the merciless did this, right? 587 00:23:27,657 --> 00:23:29,969 Why don't we double bluff him? Just choose the same number. 588 00:23:29,993 --> 00:23:32,120 It's not like sharing a toothbrush. 589 00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:34,998 Mmm-mmm. Copycat selina. That's what they'll say. 590 00:23:35,164 --> 00:23:37,500 Me-too meyer, shit for brains... 591 00:23:37,667 --> 00:23:40,837 No, I'm sorry, they won't say that. I'm just really tired. 592 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,505 Should we all quit and go home 593 00:23:42,589 --> 00:23:44,090 and go to bed 'cause you're so tired? 594 00:23:44,173 --> 00:23:46,634 Oh, no, we can't. Because I have to go do 595 00:23:46,718 --> 00:23:48,970 good morning america thanks to you, Kent. 596 00:23:49,053 --> 00:23:51,931 I know, I'm sorry, ma'am. I thought you could be first on air. 597 00:23:52,015 --> 00:23:54,684 I didn't realize chung and Maddox would attack at night. 598 00:23:54,767 --> 00:23:56,036 Must be their military training. 599 00:23:56,060 --> 00:23:58,438 Let me see this. What is this spike right here? 600 00:23:58,521 --> 00:23:59,772 The I don't knows. 601 00:24:00,064 --> 00:24:02,483 Okay, so I am looking at a page 602 00:24:02,567 --> 00:24:06,779 and I am seeing most of america standing up proudly 603 00:24:06,863 --> 00:24:08,990 and saying, "I don't know." 604 00:24:09,073 --> 00:24:10,366 We were shocked ourselves. 605 00:24:10,533 --> 00:24:12,201 I wonder who should be 606 00:24:12,285 --> 00:24:15,371 my campaign strategist in the next election. 607 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:18,625 - "I don't know." - (Chuckles) 608 00:24:19,083 --> 00:24:21,836 I will redouble my efforts to win your support. 609 00:24:22,462 --> 00:24:23,963 The man's obsessed with me. 610 00:24:24,047 --> 00:24:26,382 Issue a version of what you said in the book, 611 00:24:26,466 --> 00:24:27,884 just better than what Dan wrote. 612 00:24:28,009 --> 00:24:30,720 Okay, Mike, you draft me a new version 613 00:24:30,803 --> 00:24:32,722 of my existing position, okay? 614 00:24:32,805 --> 00:24:34,605 -Loveit -and I'm gonna need something to wear, 615 00:24:34,724 --> 00:24:36,684 'cause I'm going on good morning america. 616 00:24:36,768 --> 00:24:39,979 Pink. I got you pink. Let's do pink. 617 00:24:40,271 --> 00:24:42,273 I believe that life is precious. 618 00:24:42,357 --> 00:24:45,443 And so are the hard-won freedoms 619 00:24:45,526 --> 00:24:47,904 that women throughout america enjoy today. 620 00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:51,532 Uh, as a woman myself, 621 00:24:51,824 --> 00:24:54,118 I know that freedom means the freedom... 622 00:24:54,243 --> 00:24:55,703 Thank you, sir. 623 00:24:55,787 --> 00:24:57,431 Did you get all the free water from the car? 624 00:24:57,455 --> 00:24:58,581 - Yeah. - Nice. 625 00:24:58,665 --> 00:25:01,084 See, I told you, man. Two days up and we're already big. 626 00:25:01,167 --> 00:25:03,670 This is what happens when talent meets opportunity. 627 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:05,421 Let's blow this thing wide open. 628 00:25:05,505 --> 00:25:06,839 Dan: Hey, Jo-nad. 629 00:25:06,923 --> 00:25:08,633 Dan, what the fuck are you doing here? 630 00:25:08,716 --> 00:25:11,528 You shouldn't tweet your location to someone who wants to kill you, Jonah. 631 00:25:11,552 --> 00:25:13,096 Oh, so you do follow me. 632 00:25:13,179 --> 00:25:14,907 You know what? I swear to god, I'm gonna rip your guts out 633 00:25:14,931 --> 00:25:17,100 through your tiny, shriveled, little chihuahua cock. 634 00:25:17,183 --> 00:25:19,560 What, nothing? You're gonna let your boss get pasted? 635 00:25:19,644 --> 00:25:21,270 You're not my boss. We're copartners. 636 00:25:21,354 --> 00:25:22,438 I don't give a fuck. 637 00:25:23,439 --> 00:25:25,191 You're looking kind of hungry, Jonah. 638 00:25:25,608 --> 00:25:26,901 You want some of that burrito? 639 00:25:27,819 --> 00:25:30,488 No? Yeah? Hey, you, ugly Betty, give me that burrito. 640 00:25:30,947 --> 00:25:33,074 Don't just give it to him, dude. 641 00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:34,259 - You see this, Jonah? - Yeah. 642 00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:37,620 This is what happens when you fuck with my office. 643 00:25:38,204 --> 00:25:40,081 If you say anything on-air about the veep, 644 00:25:40,415 --> 00:25:43,251 I will break your legs so severely, you'll end up normal height. 645 00:25:43,376 --> 00:25:44,752 Joke's on you, Dan, 646 00:25:44,836 --> 00:25:46,713 because I fucking love burritos. 647 00:25:46,796 --> 00:25:49,173 Yeah? Good luck with your interview, handsome. 648 00:25:49,841 --> 00:25:51,902 - That's right, walk away, bitch. - What did you say? 649 00:25:51,926 --> 00:25:53,406 - Nothing, nothing. - Dan: What? Yeah. 650 00:25:53,469 --> 00:25:55,680 Joining us in studio is Jonah Ryan. 651 00:25:55,763 --> 00:25:58,641 He was the former white house liaison to the vice president. 652 00:25:58,766 --> 00:26:01,018 - Hi, Jonah. Nice to see you. - Hello. 653 00:26:01,102 --> 00:26:02,454 What do you think is gonna happen here? 654 00:26:02,478 --> 00:26:04,147 Will the veep go with potus, 655 00:26:04,272 --> 00:26:06,816 or could this really be a defining moment for her? 656 00:26:07,734 --> 00:26:11,946 (Exhales) Well, at ryantology. Net, we have a saying, 657 00:26:12,029 --> 00:26:16,409 which is that these issues are like a prism. 658 00:26:16,743 --> 00:26:18,411 They have many sides. 659 00:26:18,786 --> 00:26:20,455 Would you care to pick one? 660 00:26:20,788 --> 00:26:22,165 Of course. Um... 661 00:26:22,999 --> 00:26:26,544 This is an issue that has plagued politics for far too long. 662 00:26:26,669 --> 00:26:27,962 And... 663 00:26:31,591 --> 00:26:33,351 - Thanks for coming in, Jonah. - Yeah, great. 664 00:26:34,135 --> 00:26:36,637 Planned parenthood's Rachel hortenthall is on the line. 665 00:26:36,721 --> 00:26:38,514 Hi, Rachel. Thanks so much for being here. 666 00:26:38,598 --> 00:26:40,266 Okay, you heard the veep's statement. 667 00:26:40,349 --> 00:26:43,436 What do you at planned parenthood have to say about it? 668 00:26:43,519 --> 00:26:46,606 Rachel: Unlike your previous guest, we have a very clear take on this. 669 00:26:46,689 --> 00:26:48,357 Well, I said nothing. 670 00:26:48,441 --> 00:26:52,195 A big, fat, morbidly obese nothing. 671 00:26:52,695 --> 00:26:54,006 At least you mentioned the book, ma'am. 672 00:26:54,030 --> 00:26:55,990 Your publisher is gonna be stoked. 673 00:26:56,073 --> 00:26:58,493 And I'm not wearing a flag pin. 674 00:26:58,576 --> 00:27:00,286 Whose fault is that, by the way? 675 00:27:00,536 --> 00:27:02,288 Look what I got. Look what I got. 676 00:27:02,371 --> 00:27:04,207 I got a special treat for you. 677 00:27:05,708 --> 00:27:08,711 Gary, you are my angel of baked goods. 678 00:27:08,836 --> 00:27:10,963 Well, every angel needs an archangel. 679 00:27:11,214 --> 00:27:13,716 - Hey, Gary, come here. - Oh, okay. Yes, ma'am. 680 00:27:14,634 --> 00:27:18,221 - Yeah? Mmm-hmm. - You are always gonna be my body man. 681 00:27:19,764 --> 00:27:20,807 Yeah. 682 00:27:20,890 --> 00:27:23,059 (Whispers) Especially when I'm president. 683 00:27:23,559 --> 00:27:25,812 And I've got eight years of treats planned for you. 684 00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:26,896 Yes, I do. 685 00:27:26,979 --> 00:27:27,980 (Both laughing) 686 00:27:28,064 --> 00:27:29,649 I value you so much. 687 00:27:30,900 --> 00:27:32,985 - Go clear up the fruit out there. - Yeah, okay. 688 00:27:43,287 --> 00:27:45,206 I can put this in balls. 689 00:27:45,289 --> 00:27:47,458 Little watermelon balls in a bowl? 690 00:27:47,542 --> 00:27:49,627 - Definitely not. - No? Okay. 691 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:52,713 I can't watch myself anymore. 692 00:27:52,797 --> 00:27:54,715 I can't watch myself anymore. 693 00:27:55,675 --> 00:27:57,218 Gary: Oh, um... 694 00:27:58,553 --> 00:28:00,930 - Don't put Oprah on. You don't like that. - Mmm-mmm. 695 00:28:01,264 --> 00:28:03,224 - You wanna watch top chef? - No. 696 00:28:03,349 --> 00:28:04,851 How about project runway? 697 00:28:05,226 --> 00:28:06,727 - No. - Survivor? 698 00:28:06,811 --> 00:28:08,271 - Yeah. - Okay.