1 00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:23,232 North Dakota. We can do this together. 2 00:00:23,316 --> 00:00:26,694 There is no "I" in freedom. 3 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:30,281 Freedom is not "me-dom." 4 00:00:30,740 --> 00:00:32,617 - It's "we-dom." - (Supporters cheering) 5 00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:38,206 I visited a dance studio in Hartford, Connecticut. 6 00:00:38,289 --> 00:00:42,793 When I was there, I met a brave firefighter in a wheelchair. 7 00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:46,964 Back then, we didn't know what HIV positive was. 8 00:00:47,423 --> 00:00:50,134 Which meant he had to lose his kidney. 9 00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:53,054 He shook my hand and he said, 10 00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:56,224 "you don't remember me, 11 00:00:56,307 --> 00:00:58,726 "but I am your grandpa." 12 00:00:59,143 --> 00:01:00,353 (Supporters cheering) 13 00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:07,109 The next governor of Ohio, Roger furlong. 14 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:10,738 - I quffed 'em, now go fuck 'em. - Oh, shove it. 15 00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:13,021 - All the ladies in the house say "free." - Women: Free! 16 00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:16,160 - All the men in the house say "dom." - Men: Dom! 17 00:01:16,369 --> 00:01:18,329 Thank you! Thank you! 18 00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:20,331 - Wow, this is amazing. - Right? 19 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,208 - It's like a happy nuremberg. - I know. 20 00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:24,252 Where'd the red sea go? That iadyjust parted it. 21 00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:28,547 Selina: (Laughing) Hey, potus needs to know about this 'cause meyer's on fire. 22 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,693 We just lost the Florida third, fifth, and sixth. 23 00:01:31,717 --> 00:01:34,512 Great, so much for the retired mobster vote. 24 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:38,140 Florida, ought to break it off at Jacksonville and row it to Cuba. 25 00:01:38,224 --> 00:01:40,559 Sir, the west coast exit polls are looking bad. 26 00:01:40,643 --> 00:01:41,936 What about new england? 27 00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:44,647 Worse than the jpac's worst projection, sir. 28 00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:47,441 Are you getting ready to dump a bucket of pig's blood on my head? 29 00:01:47,525 --> 00:01:49,026 Uh, no. No, sir. 30 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,196 - Thank you. Thank you, sir. - Yeah. 31 00:01:53,406 --> 00:01:58,828 Dale, I'm so sorry. What are we gonna do without you in the senate? 32 00:01:59,412 --> 00:02:01,122 Oh, they... 33 00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,499 Yeah. 34 00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:07,128 Yeah, you lost, Dale. 35 00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:08,629 (Whispering) Oh, my god. 36 00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:12,133 And, actually, I was told that you'd been told. 37 00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:16,304 Right. Sounds like you're in a public place there, Dale, 38 00:02:16,387 --> 00:02:18,889 so you got to... you got to breathe deep. 39 00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:21,809 Hang in there, buddy. I got to go. (Groans) 40 00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:23,436 We just lost the New Hampshire first. 41 00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:25,396 Okay, great. Everybody hates us. 42 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:28,607 You know what? I'm beginning to hate us. I mean, this is potus's fault 43 00:02:28,691 --> 00:02:32,194 because, guys, I killed it at every campaign visit, right? 44 00:02:32,278 --> 00:02:34,381 Yeah, you did. My girlfriend said you are a rock star. 45 00:02:34,405 --> 00:02:36,216 There was a lot of love for you on the campaign trail. 46 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,218 - Yeah, a lot of love. - No, not for you, Marjorie. 47 00:02:38,242 --> 00:02:40,554 In fact, that's probably why you lost the New Jersey fifth. 48 00:02:40,578 --> 00:02:42,163 - Good-bye. - You know what? 49 00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:44,081 This is time for potus to start honoring 50 00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:45,685 - his ticket promises to me. - Mmm-hmm. 51 00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,084 Selina: I want my regular 52 00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:48,312 - one-on-one meetings. - Hello? 53 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:51,297 I want more responsibilities in infrastructure and education reform. 54 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:53,841 I want an expanded role in deficit reduction talks. 55 00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:56,677 I want a cartier fucking dildo. 56 00:02:56,761 --> 00:02:59,347 - Hmm? Oh! Oh...(Chuckles) - Selina: Hey, ame, are you listening? 57 00:02:59,430 --> 00:03:01,015 Yes. My mom just called. 58 00:03:01,098 --> 00:03:03,476 My dad may have had a stroke. 59 00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:06,020 Oh, my god. Amy, I'm so sorry. 60 00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:07,563 Is he speaking? 61 00:03:07,646 --> 00:03:12,151 Well, he told my mom he felt worse that time he ate gay jap raw fish shit. 62 00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:16,364 Oh! Amy, that's a great sign, because that's a very complex sentence. 63 00:03:16,447 --> 00:03:18,407 - Mmm-hmm. - Unless he's slurring his words. 64 00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,117 Well, it... 65 00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:23,037 So, do you need to go and be with him? 66 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,040 My mom said he was asking for me, but (stammers) My sister's there. 67 00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:28,167 Oh, good. Seriously, if you walked in, 68 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,294 can you imagine how stressed out he might be 69 00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:34,048 with like, "what are you doing here? Isn't it time that you be with the veep? 70 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:37,259 "It's the freakin' midterms and isn't she gonna take this opportunity 71 00:03:37,343 --> 00:03:39,780 "to expand her role in the white house?" Or whatever he might say. 72 00:03:39,804 --> 00:03:41,639 But if you need to go, Amy, you should go. 73 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,766 - No. I'm good. I'm here. - All right, good. 74 00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,352 - So you got what I said before? - Yes, cartier dildo. 75 00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:49,206 Uh, I was thinking about my dad, but I am not now. 76 00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:51,649 You know what? Dana's dad had a knee operation and it was... 77 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,627 Oh, my god, Gary, stop going on about your girlfriend. 78 00:03:53,651 --> 00:03:55,236 (Chuckles) Really? Am I that bad? 79 00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:57,863 Yeah, this is you, Gary. "Dana, Dana, Dana, danap 80 00:03:57,947 --> 00:03:59,407 okay. Okay. Okay, sue. Thank you. 81 00:03:59,490 --> 00:04:02,243 All right, item number one, job share. 82 00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:04,537 We are going co-potal, right? 83 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:07,706 Amy: Apparently potus chief of staff's telling everyone to write their will. 84 00:04:07,832 --> 00:04:09,959 The mood over there is gonna be pretty grim. 85 00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:12,586 - Like Jonestown. - Oh, you know what I want? 86 00:04:12,670 --> 00:04:14,797 I want that lipstick that my stylist recommended. 87 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,091 - (Gasps) Ooh! Miami sunburst. - Yeah. 88 00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:18,884 So when it hits 2:00 am. 89 00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:20,094 My eyes will say holocaust, 90 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:22,346 - my mouth will say carnival. - (Gary chuckling) 91 00:04:24,682 --> 00:04:26,225 Does anyone have anything on Ohio? 92 00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:30,187 Or why this fucking Internet is sketchier than our economic forecasts? 93 00:04:30,271 --> 00:04:33,232 That's 'cause your laptop is still running on windows 2000 and shit. 94 00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:35,526 Okay, this just in from jstat central. 95 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,987 We've got the seventh and ninth in Utah down. 96 00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:39,947 Team Jonah's gonna have that stat watch, okay? 97 00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:42,408 You come to me. Have some nachos and numbers, huh? 98 00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:44,285 Tonight there's gonna be a plane crash 99 00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:46,579 shoving a train wreck onto a crowded highway. 100 00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:50,040 Is this gonna hit the dow? Maybe I should have bought stock. 101 00:04:50,124 --> 00:04:51,834 Why, you got money problems? 102 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:54,962 Not money problems, money challenges. 103 00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:56,630 - Man: Yeah! - (People cheering) 104 00:04:57,298 --> 00:04:58,299 Is that furlong? 105 00:04:58,382 --> 00:05:00,593 Minnesota. Danny chung just increased his margin. 106 00:05:00,676 --> 00:05:03,554 Want to bet how long it takes chung to mention his war record? 107 00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:06,992 Come on. 100 bucks says he drops it in the first five seconds. 108 00:05:07,016 --> 00:05:10,019 And I intend to serve you the way I served 109 00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:12,438 the American people overseas when they needed me. 110 00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:17,276 Oh! Ker-chung, ker-ching. Pay up. Yeah. 111 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,613 I need something positive, okay? Something to boost morale. 112 00:05:20,696 --> 00:05:24,658 We're ahead on voter turnout in lake county, Indiana. 113 00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,118 What? That's it? 114 00:05:26,202 --> 00:05:28,496 That and the big quake hasn't yet hit San Francisco. 115 00:05:28,579 --> 00:05:30,080 Okay. (Quietly hums dramatic music) 116 00:05:30,289 --> 00:05:32,875 Hello, everyone. 117 00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:34,210 Ben: Madam vice president. 118 00:05:34,293 --> 00:05:37,046 (Chuckling awkwardly) Well, I have some good news. 119 00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:39,024 - It seems... - Hey, we are ahead on voter turnout 120 00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:42,176 in lake county, Indiana. J-dog out. 121 00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:44,428 I'm sorry, madam vice president, you were saying? 122 00:05:46,055 --> 00:05:48,307 I was saying exactly that. 123 00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:51,018 (Quietly) Yeah, that'il take the edge off this cornholing. 124 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:52,937 Everyone, please be seated. 125 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,898 Keep up the good work. Okay? Hey, Ben? 126 00:05:57,274 --> 00:05:58,567 Ben? 127 00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:02,279 Did you borrow selina's Miami sunburst, sue? 128 00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:04,281 - No. - Oh, my god. 129 00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:06,343 - Mike, your phone's ringing. - Mike: Could you get it, please? 130 00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:09,078 It's the morning shows. She's not doing them. 131 00:06:09,161 --> 00:06:10,454 This is Mike mclintock's phone. 132 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:11,872 He's asked me to put you on hold. 133 00:06:11,956 --> 00:06:13,836 If I do not return, then you've got your answer. 134 00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:16,168 Am I disturbing your downtime, Mike? 135 00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:18,003 Give me a break. I'm on eBay. 136 00:06:18,087 --> 00:06:19,672 Is this it? Nope, it's a rape alarm. 137 00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:21,340 Like she's ever gonna need that. 138 00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:23,610 I mean, she's not ugly, but she's got a lot of security. 139 00:06:23,634 --> 00:06:25,719 Communications is your job, Mike. 140 00:06:25,803 --> 00:06:26,947 I'm in a financial hole, okay? 141 00:06:26,971 --> 00:06:29,074 I bought something I shouldn't have and I can't get rid of it. 142 00:06:29,098 --> 00:06:31,892 - What did you buy? - A boat. 143 00:06:31,976 --> 00:06:34,603 - Is that a euphemism? - No, it's a boat. 144 00:06:34,687 --> 00:06:37,398 It's a leaky fucking boat and no one's bidding on it. 145 00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:40,192 Do not yell at me, Mike. I did not force you to buy a boat. 146 00:06:40,276 --> 00:06:41,920 I have a cracked keel, I have to dry-dock it. 147 00:06:41,944 --> 00:06:43,088 There's a bilge, which I don't even know 148 00:06:43,112 --> 00:06:45,465 - where the fuck a bilge is... - Gary: Stop talking about boats, please. 149 00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,467 Can someone please help me out for a second? One second. 150 00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:50,494 Okay, hmm, what is the solution to your problem, Gary? 151 00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:52,329 Oh! Use another lipstick. 152 00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:55,749 Wow, that was easy. What is the solution to my problem? 153 00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,251 I sell a kidney? 154 00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:58,853 Gary: You know what? You know what? Coral blush. 155 00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:00,477 That's gonna look the same. Coral blush. 156 00:07:00,546 --> 00:07:01,839 Stay over there. 157 00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:03,173 Ben? 158 00:07:04,008 --> 00:07:05,509 Ben? 159 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,597 - What are you doing in here? - Getting away from the bad news. 160 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,683 Just trying to realign myself. 161 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,270 - You know what I'd like? - (Stammers) Uh-uh. 162 00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:19,189 I'd like to be cryogenically suspended. 163 00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:21,942 Yeah, and then be woken up in the future? 164 00:07:22,026 --> 00:07:24,820 No, never wake up. Just stay suspended. 165 00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:27,698 Are you drunk? 166 00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:30,367 No, I'm just depressed. 167 00:07:31,327 --> 00:07:33,078 All right, look. 168 00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:34,622 I got a plan. 169 00:07:34,705 --> 00:07:38,459 I'm gonna take more of a leadership role on as vice president starting tonight 170 00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:41,712 and I need your advice as how to set that in motion. 171 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:42,963 Ask Kent. 172 00:07:43,047 --> 00:07:44,506 Kent davison? 173 00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:47,134 Yeah, he's back. Senior strategist. 174 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:48,385 - No. - Yeah. 175 00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:50,721 Do you know what his strategy was two years ago? 176 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,307 Do you remember that? He had me hang with my ex-husband 177 00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:54,990 like we were this normal, loving family. 178 00:07:55,059 --> 00:07:56,769 He made us go river rafting together. 179 00:07:56,852 --> 00:07:58,354 Catherine got giardia. 180 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:02,775 And I had to listen to Andrew bang that skank on the riverbank all night. 181 00:08:02,858 --> 00:08:06,445 I said to Kent, "can you make me feel good about this somehow?" 182 00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:09,907 And you know what he does? He points to a graph. 183 00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:13,661 - He is cold. - Yeah, he's got ice in his semen. 184 00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:16,622 Right. When's he coming back? 185 00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:18,165 - Oh, he's back. - What? 186 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,501 He's already squirreled away in an air vent somewhere 187 00:08:20,584 --> 00:08:22,252 with his fucking statistics. 188 00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:23,462 Where? Where's his office? 189 00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:26,840 You know that portrait with the guy who looks like a fat Wolverine? 190 00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:28,652 - Oh, yeah. - It's just one door on the left from there. 191 00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:31,512 - But wait, wait, wait, wait. - What? 192 00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:33,315 You know what's gonna happen to me tomorrow? 193 00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:38,435 My good friend potus, my gamma chi brother, 194 00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:41,855 is gonna summon me to his office and he's gonna show me a sword 195 00:08:41,939 --> 00:08:43,539 and he's gonna tell me to take the sword 196 00:08:43,607 --> 00:08:46,026 and slide it down my throat until it comes out my ass. 197 00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:49,947 Ben, one day we are gonna laugh about this. 198 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:55,619 One final item... 199 00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:57,597 Although the vice president appreciates your offer 200 00:08:57,621 --> 00:08:59,581 of stale pastries and pleasant conversation, 201 00:08:59,665 --> 00:09:01,709 she will not be doing the morning shows tomorrow. 202 00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:04,378 Is she deserting a sinking ship, Mike? (Chuckling) 203 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,189 Is that a crack about my boat? Really funny. 204 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,066 - You guys are hilarious. - Put your boat on eBay. 205 00:09:08,090 --> 00:09:09,693 - Thank you. - Man: Can you put a sinking ship on eBay? 206 00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:11,194 - Thank you. - Man 2: You can put anything on there. 207 00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,761 Has no track record as a senator. 208 00:09:12,845 --> 00:09:14,430 I've been around the block, honey. 209 00:09:14,513 --> 00:09:16,324 You haven't seen lipstick lying around, have you? 210 00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:17,599 Oh, yeah, it's in the office 211 00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:19,810 next to your klonopin and feminine itch powder. 212 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,895 I swear to god. 213 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,150 - Guess who's back. - Not furlong yet. 214 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,833 You can trust me and the people of Ohio. 215 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,963 I think there's gonna be quite a few surprises tonight. 216 00:09:29,987 --> 00:09:32,465 Isn't that the catchphrase of the world's creepiest babysitter? 217 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,033 Speaking of creepy, Kent davison is back. 218 00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:38,328 Kent davison? The pol pot of pie charts. 219 00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:41,415 Wow, that guy is ruthless. A total inspiration. 220 00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:42,958 Jonah: Hey. 221 00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:45,002 Hey, I know you think my stat guys are bullshit, 222 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,838 but we got early exits on Ohio gubernatorial 223 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,841 - and they are not good for you, Mr. Egan. - (Cell phone rings) 224 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,760 Shut up. Dan egan's office. 225 00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:55,345 Hello, Dan. I've got congressman furlong for you. 226 00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:56,764 Here you go, sir. 227 00:09:56,847 --> 00:09:59,725 Wipe that thing off before you hand it to me. 228 00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:03,103 - Here you go. - Hey, there, pretty boy. 229 00:10:03,187 --> 00:10:06,315 You know what they call guys like you in prison? Sweetmeat. 230 00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:10,444 I have no plan to go to prison, congressman. 231 00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:12,279 Holy shit, is that him? 232 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,531 Nobody plans on going to prison, dipshit. 233 00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:16,509 - That's just the way it works out sometimes. - You are fucked. 234 00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:18,619 I can tell you this, if I lose this election tonight 235 00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:20,805 and I'm back on that congressional oversight committee, 236 00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:23,949 your ass is toast because I don't like the way your boss runs things over there 237 00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:25,501 and you are a mighty soft target. 238 00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:29,129 If I have to come after you, Dan, I can promise you something. 239 00:10:29,213 --> 00:10:31,381 You're gonna have to be prepared to be gay for the stay 240 00:10:31,465 --> 00:10:33,634 'cause you're going down. 241 00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:35,511 Chin up, buddy. You'll be fine. 242 00:10:37,221 --> 00:10:38,722 Mouth open. 243 00:10:39,932 --> 00:10:41,850 Fat Wolverine. 244 00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:45,604 Oh! Kent. 245 00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:48,482 - Madam vice president. - Look at you, you're all back. 246 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:52,277 I see they took out the sink and the toilet. 247 00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:54,238 Made it a little roomier for you. 248 00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:57,282 I could punch through the wall and tap potus on the shoulder. 249 00:10:57,366 --> 00:11:00,828 And what would you be tapping him on the shoulder about specifically, do you figure? 250 00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:03,080 - Repositioning. - So glad to hear you say that. 251 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,249 We are on the same page, my friend, 252 00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:07,918 both in terms of the party and, of course, in terms of myself. 253 00:11:10,796 --> 00:11:13,340 Am I supposed to ask a question now? 254 00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:15,717 Oh, sure. If you want. Fire away. 255 00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:18,220 And what would that question be? 256 00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:19,888 Well, that question might be, uh, 257 00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:22,099 what do you think is the best reposition to take? 258 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:26,854 And what would the answer to that question be? 259 00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:29,356 And the answer to that question would be 260 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:30,941 standing right in front of you. 261 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,990 The answer would be a certain someone, 262 00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:41,577 shall we say, whose skills were not adequately tapped. 263 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,788 That's some question. 264 00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:47,416 So, we're good. 265 00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:49,042 We're good. 266 00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:51,795 Great. I'm so glad that we had this chance to connect. 267 00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,463 I really am. 268 00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:05,142 I don't think I was actually very clear before. 269 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:08,562 - No. - My uncle used to have this saying. 270 00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:12,399 He used to say to me, "honey, if you're not at the table, 271 00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,735 "you're probably on the menu." 272 00:12:14,818 --> 00:12:17,821 And, Kent, I will not be eaten. 273 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,283 Why would anyone want to eat you? 274 00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:24,494 You do know that I am not running for office right now? 275 00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:26,079 I am, in fact, the vice president. 276 00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:29,249 I wouldn't dispute your title. I might question your role. 277 00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:32,061 It would be great if you'd stand up when the vice president enters a room. 278 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,713 - Oh, lord, all right. - Oh, lord. 279 00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:36,548 - There you go. - Whoa, at ease, Kent. 280 00:12:36,632 --> 00:12:38,467 I'm just looking for my mug. 281 00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,260 Yeah. I love this baby. 282 00:12:40,344 --> 00:12:42,721 - It holds about nine cups' worth. - Selina: Oh, wow. 283 00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:45,116 Yeah, it's the only thing I'd save if this building were on fire. 284 00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:48,477 Okay. This is such a silly conversation that we're having. 285 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,062 I'm gonna go talk to the president. 286 00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:53,065 - He went to bed. - He's in bed? 287 00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:55,359 So that makes you the live wire, huh? 288 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,361 - This can't get out. - It won't get out. 289 00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,488 Jonah: Everyone, potus has gone to bed. 290 00:12:59,571 --> 00:13:01,949 So let's make sure we make his dreams come true tonight 291 00:13:02,032 --> 00:13:03,951 by fighting until that last bullet. 292 00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:06,995 Why don't you take the first bullet and put it through your brain? 293 00:13:07,329 --> 00:13:09,414 (Chuckles) Yes, sir. (Mimics gunshot) 294 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:14,670 I'm gonna have more of a role in this administration. 295 00:13:14,753 --> 00:13:16,338 Well, I just crunched the numbers. 296 00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:17,774 I know. You're the numbers cruncher. 297 00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:19,633 And right now they taste pretty bland to me. 298 00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:21,593 Well, salt and pepper 'em. 299 00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,075 Marion, listen very closely. 300 00:13:27,099 --> 00:13:29,935 You have as much chance of getting the vice president on your show 301 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:32,330 as you have of getting your husband to leave that cheerleader. 302 00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:35,482 Yes, Marion. We're all aware of that. Good-bye. 303 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,275 Touch and go? Is that what they said? 304 00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:40,362 No, it's a classic. There's a mounting on it for a harpoon gun. 305 00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:42,739 Well, Richard, if you hear me say no, that means no. 306 00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:45,492 You good slapping down those hacks? 307 00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,119 Sue: I really do enjoy it. 308 00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:49,222 It's kind of like dumping all my ex-boyfriends at once. 309 00:13:49,246 --> 00:13:50,580 You got a lot of exes, huh? 310 00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:54,501 Hey, dumpling. It's Gary. 311 00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:56,169 I'm sorry I missed you. 312 00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:58,380 It's just I can't find her lipstick 313 00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:01,343 and I thought maybe it fell out of the leviathan at home. Or something... 314 00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:05,053 Okay, folks, Kent davison is back. 315 00:14:05,137 --> 00:14:06,138 Yeah. 316 00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:08,265 So, number one, what are we gonna do about it? 317 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,767 Number two, why am I telling you this news? 318 00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,787 And number three, would you please hang up the phone 319 00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:15,397 because I'm the fucking vice president of the United States 320 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,190 - and I have something to say. - I'm going. 321 00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:19,693 So now we got to figure out a way to get Kent on board 322 00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:21,611 with this whole co-potal thing. 323 00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:25,532 You can't reason with him. It'd be like explaining supertramp to a komodo dragon. 324 00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:27,534 Selina: I don't know what those words mean. 325 00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:29,911 Mike, are you in the middle of some sort of aneurysm? 326 00:14:29,995 --> 00:14:32,205 - Let's just wind back a sec, okay? - Yes. 327 00:14:32,289 --> 00:14:34,624 You think Kent davison is a bad thing? 328 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:37,377 Okay. All right. 329 00:14:37,461 --> 00:14:40,005 I have a very strong feeling 330 00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:43,050 that Kent is gonna get in between me and potus, 331 00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:47,554 like some sort of thick rubber condom, and I have got to have... 332 00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:50,474 - Unprotected. - Unprotected access to the oval office. 333 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,577 Well, uh, Amy, you were on the campaign trail with him. 334 00:14:52,601 --> 00:14:53,601 Yeah. 335 00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:55,729 - How do we pop him? - Uh, I... 336 00:14:55,812 --> 00:14:58,065 - Well, I guess... - What? 337 00:14:58,148 --> 00:14:59,691 (Stammers) 338 00:14:59,775 --> 00:15:01,568 - Hey. Yeah. - Yeah? Yeah? 339 00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:03,070 You have to go and see your dad. 340 00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:05,072 (Stammering) This is the midterms. 341 00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:08,492 Amy, it's the fucking midterms. Go. 342 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,827 Thank... thank you. 343 00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:13,371 It's the fucking midterms. 344 00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:14,831 Unbelievable. 345 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,792 Okay, everybody, it's official. 346 00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:18,644 - We have lost... - Jonah: We have just lost the house. 347 00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:21,296 So put everything on the wagons and shoot the dogs 348 00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:24,633 because we have just lost the fucking house. 349 00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:26,468 - What he just said. - Dan: Yes! 350 00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:28,512 - What? - What? 351 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,806 I think this is it. I think this is our time to strike. 352 00:15:30,889 --> 00:15:33,433 - Yeah. - Okay, here's the plan. I'm gonna go peepee 353 00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,936 and then we're gonna neutralize Kent. 354 00:15:36,019 --> 00:15:37,437 Very good. 355 00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:38,647 - Yeah. - Yeah. 356 00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:43,193 Hey, Mike. Give me a hug. Uncle Ben's on his way out. 357 00:15:44,945 --> 00:15:46,363 What is that, Ralph Lauren? 358 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:47,864 For men. 359 00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:50,575 Well, that's a good scent. 360 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,580 - Congressman. - Hey, brokeback egan. 361 00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:58,792 Excuse me. Would you get that fucking thing out from under my nose? 362 00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,127 I could... 363 00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:02,963 I just want to offer my sincere condolences 364 00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:04,606 on the loss of your gubernatorial race. 365 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,134 Screw you and the face you rode in on, Dan. 366 00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:09,761 Oh, and on the loss of your committee chairmanship, sir. 367 00:16:09,845 --> 00:16:12,139 You know, now that we lost the house... 368 00:16:12,222 --> 00:16:13,932 We just lost the house and you're crowing? 369 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,559 You're actually pleased about this? 370 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:18,061 Why? Because we”, we lost the house, that's bad, obviously, 371 00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:20,145 but now this gets me off your case and that's okay? 372 00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:22,149 Couldn't have put that better myself, sir. 373 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,819 Are you eating my pizza? 374 00:16:25,902 --> 00:16:28,280 No, sir, you... because you said that... 375 00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:29,803 No, I said don't wave it in my face. 376 00:16:29,865 --> 00:16:31,384 - I didn't say eat it. - It's still good. 377 00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:33,243 - Eat it! Eat it all right now! - I'm sorry. 378 00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,288 Got here as soon as I could. 379 00:16:36,371 --> 00:16:39,016 Sophie: Just really glad you could fit your father into your busy schedule. 380 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,560 Mrs. Brookheimer: She means hi, honey. 381 00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:42,210 (Sighs) Uh... 382 00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:45,463 - Why is this heart monitor not on? - I'm fine. 383 00:16:45,547 --> 00:16:48,925 They don't know if it was a stroke or not, hon. 384 00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:51,511 Okay. 385 00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:54,598 (Sighs) You said dad was dying. 386 00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:56,683 Well, I'm so sorry to disappoint you, Amy. 387 00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:58,578 All the shouting certainly isn't helping anything. 388 00:16:58,602 --> 00:17:00,020 Yeah, stop shouting, Sophie. 389 00:17:00,103 --> 00:17:01,706 Oh, my god, Amy. You work for the vice president. 390 00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:02,939 It's not like it's Google. 391 00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:04,941 - Dan. - Yeah? 392 00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:08,153 - (Claps) My peepee is done. - Yes, ma'am. 393 00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:10,488 - Let's go crack Kent. - Jonah: Okay, j-dog update. 394 00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:14,367 Oh, god. It's fucking big bird. Let's go through here. 395 00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:15,744 Selina: Oh! 396 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:17,871 Sorry to disturb. 397 00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:19,599 Don't know what you're doing, but I will leave you to it. 398 00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:20,766 Jonah: Hey, madam vice president. 399 00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:23,877 I see you've found my crib. This is team Jonah. 400 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,713 This is my hot stat three-piece, my data nirvana. 401 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,965 Madam vice president, it is such an honor to meet you. 402 00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:31,569 Thank you so much. I really appreciate all the work you're doing 403 00:17:31,635 --> 00:17:34,554 on this terribly depressing evening. 404 00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,473 Actually, not terrible for you. 405 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:39,476 Your campaign visits always lead to a bump for the candidate. 406 00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:42,562 - What? - You have been a consistent integer. 407 00:17:42,646 --> 00:17:45,732 I'm not really sure I remember what an integer is, per se. 408 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,151 You're great news. You even aced potus. 409 00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,403 - You're like Neo. - Wow. 410 00:17:50,487 --> 00:17:52,405 - What's a Neo? - He's from the matrix. 411 00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:53,907 Everything he does is awesome. 412 00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:55,575 The first movie. The sequels sucked. 413 00:17:55,659 --> 00:17:57,661 Guys, we agreed to let the matrix debate lie. 414 00:17:58,078 --> 00:18:00,372 Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here. 415 00:18:00,455 --> 00:18:03,041 So you're saying that all of these numbers are good for me? 416 00:18:03,124 --> 00:18:05,585 - They're great for you. - That is outstanding. 417 00:18:05,669 --> 00:18:06,670 (Chuckung) 418 00:18:07,128 --> 00:18:10,548 Um, could you collate this for me very quickly? 419 00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:12,550 Signed, sealed, delivered. (Clicks tongue) 420 00:18:12,634 --> 00:18:13,635 (Clicks tongue) 421 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:17,264 - Okay, meet me in Kent's office. - Yeah, absolutely. 422 00:18:17,347 --> 00:18:20,600 Oh, Kent davison? He's in the oval office with potus. 423 00:18:20,684 --> 00:18:22,936 - Uh, potus is awake? - Yeah, last I heard. 424 00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:25,230 Okay, I will be in the oval office. 425 00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:26,773 I will be expecting that material. 426 00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:28,441 Thank you very much. 427 00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:30,151 So what format do you want this in? 428 00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,654 Excel? Pie charts? 429 00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:35,782 Just, like, in English. 430 00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:37,909 Is that a racistjoke? 431 00:18:37,993 --> 00:18:39,536 Yeah. 432 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:40,680 Come on, come on, come on, come on. 433 00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:42,372 Amy, Amy, Amy. Oh, thank god. 434 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,291 - What? - Listen, Amy. 435 00:18:44,374 --> 00:18:46,543 Something has happened to the vice president. 436 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:49,337 I know your dad is dying and I'm really, really sorry, Amy, 437 00:18:49,421 --> 00:18:52,132 but I think Dana took selina's lipstick. 438 00:18:52,215 --> 00:18:53,758 It's the one thing selina asked for 439 00:18:53,842 --> 00:18:55,444 and I don't have it and it's ruining her night. 440 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,822 Fine, keep your bra on. I'll swing by your place and pick it up. 441 00:18:57,846 --> 00:18:59,699 Thank you. Listen, I've got two options I can offer her 442 00:18:59,723 --> 00:19:02,475 as a stopgap and then we can... okay. Great. 443 00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:04,978 Back soon, daddy. 444 00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:07,221 Hope your boss at cvs is okay with you taking time off. 445 00:19:07,272 --> 00:19:09,952 Always with the last word. That's why you're single. Guys hate that. 446 00:19:10,025 --> 00:19:11,294 You have three kids by two different guys. 447 00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:13,445 Maybe your last word should have been no. 448 00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:21,578 Kent. 449 00:19:23,246 --> 00:19:24,664 Where's the president? 450 00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:26,082 Asleep. 451 00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:28,460 We”, should you be in here? 452 00:19:28,543 --> 00:19:31,504 People need to think he's in here leading. 453 00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:33,131 But he's not. 454 00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:35,508 He is, according to the rumor I put out. 455 00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:37,427 Well, I'm not in here. 456 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:40,430 But since I am here, (clears throat) 457 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,515 I thought maybe we could agree 458 00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:46,853 that at any joint meetings that you and I have with the president, 459 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:50,315 I will be first in and I will be last out. 460 00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:53,485 Fine, but as senior strategist, I'll already be in the room. 461 00:19:54,652 --> 00:19:58,031 Are you suggesting that a senior strategist 462 00:19:58,114 --> 00:20:00,116 is a higher position than a vice president? 463 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,910 - It depends on the vice president. - Yeah? 464 00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:04,746 Well, this one is me and I'm fucking great. 465 00:20:04,829 --> 00:20:06,790 And you're not an elected representative. 466 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:08,958 You're only an elected representative by default. 467 00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:10,752 The American people voted for him. 468 00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:13,505 And him chose me, okay? 469 00:20:13,588 --> 00:20:16,716 I'm gonna be in the room first. I'm gonna be in the room last. 470 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,301 You think this is a negotiation? 471 00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:20,025 What leverage do you think that you have? 472 00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:21,513 Oh, I have leverage. 473 00:20:21,596 --> 00:20:24,099 I got a big bag of leverage coming my way. 474 00:20:24,182 --> 00:20:28,061 So, vice president, president... bam! 475 00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:29,771 Come on, you are the vice president. 476 00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:33,233 By definition, you should be at half the height of the president. 477 00:20:33,316 --> 00:20:35,026 You want to see where you are? 478 00:20:35,110 --> 00:20:36,629 (In high-pitched voice) Hi, Kent. How's it going? 479 00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:39,906 Thank you so much for bringing us the memo on aggregates. 480 00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:42,968 (In normal voice) Now why don't you just go and fuck yourself in your own asshole? 481 00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:44,285 What the fuck do you want? 482 00:20:44,369 --> 00:20:45,805 Ma'am, we have that data you requested. 483 00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:47,080 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come. 484 00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:49,374 - Was there a TV on in here? - Selina: No. Come in. 485 00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:51,459 You might want to sit down for this. 486 00:20:51,543 --> 00:20:54,504 - It's okay. I'm all right. - Okay. Hit it. 487 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,881 When it comes to successful campaign visits, ma'am, 488 00:20:56,965 --> 00:21:01,136 you have a lead over potus of 0.9%. 489 00:21:04,681 --> 00:21:09,519 Yeah, but that's not even a percentage. 490 00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,604 If we round it up, we can make it one. 491 00:21:11,688 --> 00:21:12,981 - I couldn't find... - Just... 492 00:21:13,064 --> 00:21:16,109 Sir, she has strong utility in key demographics... 493 00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:18,111 Uh, working mothers, hispanic voters. 494 00:21:18,194 --> 00:21:20,280 - She gives us traction in swing votes. - Yeah. 495 00:21:20,363 --> 00:21:21,948 - She's a useful tool. - Oh, no, no, no. 496 00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:23,676 I'm not gonna be used as a prop again, my friend. 497 00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:29,247 I will never forget on election night how you put my ex-husband up on that stage 498 00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:31,332 and it was my night, Kent. 499 00:21:31,416 --> 00:21:33,168 It was a healing image for america. 500 00:21:33,251 --> 00:21:35,837 Oh! The way that you used Catherine to make it look 501 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,422 as if we were all coming together. 502 00:21:37,505 --> 00:21:40,133 - Calm down. - Don't you tell me to calm down! 503 00:21:40,216 --> 00:21:41,976 I saw that photo that you had in your office 504 00:21:42,010 --> 00:21:44,762 with the word "glue" written across her forehead. 505 00:21:44,846 --> 00:21:46,866 - Better if I said cement? - Here's some good lipstick. 506 00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:49,309 - Fuck that lipstick! Ooh! - (Kent whimpering) 507 00:21:52,479 --> 00:21:54,439 Kent? Are you okay? I'm so sorry. 508 00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:56,483 - What, are you high? - No, no, she's not. 509 00:21:56,566 --> 00:21:58,151 No, that was my fault. 510 00:22:00,695 --> 00:22:01,905 What's going on? 511 00:22:04,574 --> 00:22:06,784 Just been with the president. 512 00:22:06,868 --> 00:22:09,704 He's asked me to stay on. 513 00:22:10,246 --> 00:22:11,414 My eye hurts. 514 00:22:13,583 --> 00:22:15,460 What's that shit all over the carpet? 515 00:22:15,585 --> 00:22:17,879 - (Selina gasps) - Dan: Oh, shit. Ooh... 516 00:22:17,962 --> 00:22:20,465 If you have some white wine vinegar, that'll get it right out. 517 00:22:20,548 --> 00:22:22,008 Selina: What? 518 00:22:22,091 --> 00:22:23,718 White wine vinegar will lift the stain. 519 00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:26,137 You take your eyebrows 520 00:22:26,221 --> 00:22:28,056 - and you get out. - Gary: Here, ma'am. 521 00:22:28,139 --> 00:22:29,575 I've got some wipes. I've got a lot of wipes. 522 00:22:29,599 --> 00:22:31,035 Look right here. It's over here, too. 523 00:22:31,059 --> 00:22:32,703 Gary: Ma'am, no! You're tracking it! Dan: No, no, no, no! 524 00:22:32,727 --> 00:22:33,954 Selina: What? Dan: Don't do that. 525 00:22:33,978 --> 00:22:35,247 It's stuck on the bottom of your shoe. 526 00:22:35,271 --> 00:22:37,166 Selina: Wait, do I put this one down? Is this clean? 527 00:22:37,190 --> 00:22:38,959 - Wait a minute. Just answer that. - Gary: Yes. 528 00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:41,778 - Oh, my god. - Okay, get it off my shoe. 529 00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:45,073 - Don't wipe it. Just give me the shoe. - All right, take the shoe. 530 00:22:45,156 --> 00:22:47,236 - You should not be in here. We need to go. - I know. 531 00:22:47,283 --> 00:22:49,577 We'll do a little hop. Ready? One, two... there we go. 532 00:22:49,661 --> 00:22:51,538 - You got to clean it up. - It's gonna be fine. 533 00:22:51,621 --> 00:22:53,057 - It's a lot. - Selina: You can do it, though. 534 00:22:53,081 --> 00:22:56,167 - Dan: He's okay, he's okay. - Okay. Okay. 535 00:22:56,251 --> 00:22:58,002 Gary: Oh, god. 536 00:22:58,086 --> 00:23:00,797 God, god. 537 00:23:02,257 --> 00:23:04,509 - Amy. - Dana, hi. Have you got the lipstick? 538 00:23:04,592 --> 00:23:07,220 Feel like my lips have touched the veep's. It's quite a thrill. 539 00:23:07,303 --> 00:23:09,639 - That's a little disrespectful. - Oh, hey, Amy, 540 00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:11,724 let's not start off on the wrong foot, okay? 541 00:23:11,808 --> 00:23:13,726 I'm a big part of Gary's life now. 542 00:23:13,810 --> 00:23:15,562 And you're welcome to him. 543 00:23:15,645 --> 00:23:19,607 (Scoffs) Amy, I think we both know that any woman who's met him 544 00:23:19,691 --> 00:23:22,944 but didn't get to keep him is gonna see me as the enemy. 545 00:23:23,027 --> 00:23:25,822 I'm sorry, but you missed your chance. 546 00:23:27,156 --> 00:23:28,157 (Door closes) 547 00:23:30,618 --> 00:23:32,912 Oh, my god. I got the lipstick out. 548 00:23:32,996 --> 00:23:36,499 What? What are you doing? Nobody is gonna know about that. 549 00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:38,668 Sue, did the president call? 550 00:23:38,751 --> 00:23:40,587 - Uh, ma'am, he did, actually. - What? 551 00:23:40,670 --> 00:23:42,839 - Ben: Madam vice president. - Huh? 552 00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:47,760 Potus has noticed your 0.9% and he's giving you an enhanced role 553 00:23:47,844 --> 00:23:50,179 - in foreign policy. - What? Really? 554 00:23:50,263 --> 00:23:54,017 So, Kim jong-whatever is swinging his nuclear dick again. 555 00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:57,270 The Russians have planted their flag on a nonnegian pile of pelican shit. 556 00:23:57,353 --> 00:23:59,689 Could you just send that to me in an e-mail or something? 557 00:23:59,772 --> 00:24:01,608 You got a sit-down with centcom in two hours. 558 00:24:01,691 --> 00:24:02,692 What? 559 00:24:02,775 --> 00:24:05,254 Some us backpackers tried to smoke a doobie with the wrong dudes 560 00:24:05,278 --> 00:24:07,155 and they have been kidnapped in Uzbekistan. 561 00:24:07,238 --> 00:24:09,157 Uzbekistan is between Turkmenistan 562 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:12,535 and i-could-give-a-fuck-istan. There's a map on page 376. 563 00:24:12,660 --> 00:24:13,661 (Knocking at door) 564 00:24:14,954 --> 00:24:16,414 Kent. 565 00:24:16,497 --> 00:24:18,416 Oh, I'm so sorry about before. 566 00:24:18,499 --> 00:24:20,418 Although, god, you made a funny noise. 567 00:24:20,501 --> 00:24:22,378 I wish I could get that as my ringtone. 568 00:24:22,462 --> 00:24:24,130 How's this for a funny noise, ma'am? 569 00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:26,466 Potus wants you to do the morning shows. 570 00:24:26,549 --> 00:24:29,636 - What? - You will be the face of our failure. 571 00:24:29,719 --> 00:24:32,597 No, no, Kent. I can't do that. I'm exhaustipated. 572 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:34,515 You're booked for 27 interviews. 573 00:24:35,266 --> 00:24:37,977 - Better put on some lipstick. - Wow. 574 00:24:38,061 --> 00:24:42,565 Jonah: We lost the battle, but we ain't cattle. Two years' time, bitches! 575 00:24:42,649 --> 00:24:45,652 - Selina: Oh, god. - Okay, I got coffee, I got ginseng, 576 00:24:45,735 --> 00:24:47,820 I got protein bars. You want some of those? 577 00:24:47,904 --> 00:24:49,322 - No. (Yawns) - No? 578 00:24:49,405 --> 00:24:51,449 I need that stuff thatjunkies use. 579 00:24:51,532 --> 00:24:55,286 You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down. 580 00:24:58,748 --> 00:25:01,250 Dan: We have three minutes to the interviews, ma'am. 581 00:25:01,334 --> 00:25:02,669 Hey, I got this off your dresser. 582 00:25:02,752 --> 00:25:04,629 - Do you want to wear this pin? - Yeah. 583 00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:11,594 There's a horse coming out of my head. 584 00:25:11,678 --> 00:25:13,680 What? What are you talking about? 585 00:25:13,763 --> 00:25:16,015 There. There's a horse... 586 00:25:16,099 --> 00:25:17,642 Gary: Oh, my god. 587 00:25:19,769 --> 00:25:22,021 I don't know why I'm catching these things. 588 00:25:22,105 --> 00:25:24,458 - Hey, got your lipstick. - I don't want the fucking lipstick. 589 00:25:24,482 --> 00:25:26,202 She doesn't want the fucking lipstick, Amy. 590 00:25:26,609 --> 00:25:28,986 Selina: This color is better. 591 00:25:29,821 --> 00:25:31,048 The white house wants to make sure 592 00:25:31,072 --> 00:25:33,241 that they are kept out of the veep's, uh, incident, 593 00:25:33,324 --> 00:25:34,909 so we want the lipstick throwing 594 00:25:34,992 --> 00:25:37,161 to have taken place here and not at the oval office. 595 00:25:37,245 --> 00:25:38,579 It was an accident, okay? 596 00:25:38,663 --> 00:25:41,100 Much like when bigfoot got your mom pregnant, resulting in you. 597 00:25:41,124 --> 00:25:42,875 Is there something I need to be in on here? 598 00:25:42,959 --> 00:25:45,378 I was talking about my boat. 599 00:25:45,461 --> 00:25:48,214 Please, Mike, you're talking about a fucking boat? 600 00:25:48,297 --> 00:25:52,593 Really? I'm about to enter a national ass-kicking contest 601 00:25:52,677 --> 00:25:55,555 with no legs and a massive ass. 602 00:25:55,638 --> 00:25:57,807 - It's not that big, ma'am. - Selina: What? 603 00:25:59,308 --> 00:26:00,727 Mike: I think your ass is perfect. 604 00:26:00,810 --> 00:26:03,271 Good morning, Oklahoma city. 605 00:26:03,354 --> 00:26:05,356 Thank you so much. 606 00:26:07,483 --> 00:26:09,402 Want to play midterm cliche bingo? 607 00:26:09,485 --> 00:26:12,530 First phrase she uses. I already got "wake-up call." 608 00:26:12,613 --> 00:26:14,782 Not at all. Iwouldn't say it's all bad news. 609 00:26:14,866 --> 00:26:16,909 Frank, no, I wouldn't say it was a shellacking. 610 00:26:16,993 --> 00:26:20,246 It's not a disaster. I mean, not for... (Stutters) 611 00:26:20,329 --> 00:26:23,666 Not for me... mean... excuse me. (Chuckles) 612 00:26:24,125 --> 00:26:25,543 Well, we've been up all night. 613 00:26:25,626 --> 00:26:27,295 The American people have said 614 00:26:27,378 --> 00:26:29,422 this is a wake-up call. 615 00:26:32,175 --> 00:26:34,302 Oh, my god, I look so old. 616 00:26:34,385 --> 00:26:35,845 Gary: No. 617 00:26:36,429 --> 00:26:38,347 What is that reaction? 618 00:26:38,431 --> 00:26:39,891 Smile with your eyes if you can. 619 00:26:39,974 --> 00:26:42,018 - Yep. - And your nose if you can. 620 00:26:42,101 --> 00:26:44,437 With my nose? How do you do that? 621 00:26:45,855 --> 00:26:47,398 Remember to thank somebody, okay? 622 00:26:47,482 --> 00:26:48,792 Not god. Don't make it religious. 623 00:26:48,816 --> 00:26:51,402 But thank, like, farmers. They love that shit. 624 00:26:51,486 --> 00:26:53,863 Plurality? Is that what you said? 625 00:26:54,363 --> 00:26:56,115 Plur... yeah, look at that. 626 00:26:56,199 --> 00:26:57,992 - Plurality. - Dan: Yeah. 627 00:26:58,075 --> 00:26:59,515 It's not good, you know what I mean? 628 00:26:59,577 --> 00:27:01,704 Dan: It's kind of a fish face. 629 00:27:02,121 --> 00:27:03,623 Yes, yes, indeed. 630 00:27:03,706 --> 00:27:06,709 Well, there's been a plurality of views. 631 00:27:06,793 --> 00:27:09,462 Well, there isn't an economic Santa claus, 632 00:27:09,545 --> 00:27:11,881 and don't I wish that there were. 633 00:27:11,964 --> 00:27:14,300 Well, we are the United States of America 634 00:27:14,383 --> 00:27:16,469 because we are united 635 00:27:16,552 --> 00:27:18,554 and we are states 636 00:27:19,013 --> 00:27:21,182 and we are of america. 637 00:27:21,682 --> 00:27:23,893 Oh, it was my pleasure. Thank you. 638 00:27:27,355 --> 00:27:28,815 Mike: (Sighs) Greatjob, ma'am. 639 00:27:28,898 --> 00:27:31,484 - You're done. You're done. - Get this out of my ear. 640 00:27:31,567 --> 00:27:33,236 Gary: Let's get you in a comfy chair.