I'm in asbury.
I'll be at your boatyard in 15 minutes.
No, i got a meeting, i'll come there after.
O. J. Simpson's acquittal they still cannot accept,
and now they're suing him in civil court.
Simpson's attorney is outraged,
fred goldman is philosophical.
In jersey, they'd have fried his worthless ass.
Well, he's shunned on his golf course now.
Oh!
There he is, f. Lee fatfuck.
Hold my briefs.
What's the matter with you?
My back, fucki n' valuejet, tryi ng to save 50 bucks.
How was boca?
How do you think?
Your uncle's quaking in his boots i was there to pop him.
Ho, wait till we get outside, huh?
Junior's looking for a way out.
But, he's got that iron rod up his ass.
He thought he was in line to be boss.
Now he's gotta take orders from somebody
who used to fetch him his sambuca.
Hey, fuck him.
Is he gonna sit down or not?
If tony will guarantee his safety.
You deal with it , alright, tony?
Make it christmas,
this way i don't have to go on that fuckin' cruise.
No sooner do i get back from florida
than ange has booked a suite on the dawn princess.
5, 000 bucks a week and no way off.
Thank god carm gets seasick.
We're staying home thi s year so jackie can study for his sats.
Ro found him a great tutor.
Pray he goes to a state school.
You oughta see terri's bills from villanova.
And matt and kevin right behind her--
hey, sal, you need money, you come to me,
you hear what i'm sayin'?
Don't be moving that "h" no more, puss.
It's too risky.
I always wanted a house by the ocean.
Maybe in another life.
Ton'!
Tony?
Hey, paulie.
We gonna go see your boat?
Nah, i'm just...
thinking about our former friend.
Who?
Him?
Not me,
never.
Me and jackie met him down here in'95,
when he go t back from boca.
Oh, yeah, that crazy shit with your uncle.
Junior hijacked jackie's truck.
What about it?
I should've seen it then, that's all.
Don't waste another second on that rat fuck, ton'.
I'd kill him again if i could.
Tommy angeletti,
he's doing a re- bar at the esplanade.
Yeah?
He's into me for 100 large on college basketball.
Now ralphie's holding up the contractor for more money.
He's got the site shutdown on a strike.
Angeletti can't work.
Paulie, your fuckin' book
against millions gonna roll in off the esplanade?
I figured you'd take his side.
But, ralphie shouldn't come across
with a couple of no- show electrician jobs?
I shouldn't get something outta this fuckin' esplanade?
Alright, i'll talk to him.
Oh, go od, you're up.
I just got the digital video for meadow.
It's three down, three to go.
Plus, the scooter is ready, but you're gonn a have to pick it up.
It's on my list.
You're not gonna like this next bit of news, either.
Janice is insisting on cooking christmas dinner this year.
Christmas eve or christmas day?
I'm doing christmas eve.
You wanna turn her loose on shellfish?
She's determined to co ok goose on christmas day.
Why?
Well, her impulses are rig she's over here all the time.
She volunteered me to make the gravy and the lasagna,
so, with everything else i gotta do today,
i gotta bring half my kitchen over there,
and she needs you because the fuse b ox is on the fritz again.
Oh, fuck, come on, i'm busy.
What, i'm not?
Well, i was feeling good,
all of a sudden, i'm back to square one.
What do you mean?
I had another one of those attacks this morning.
Not the whole thing,
but, it was right there,
under the surface,
that feeling like i go t ginger ale in my brain.
Are you taking your medication?
Not every day.
Is that what the prescription says?
Another thing to feel bad about.
Well?
Can you tell me what led up to this?
You know my log,
i was supposed to write everything down for you?
Look, it's just a list of shit i gotta do for christmas.
All the pressure we put on ourselves
this time of the year.
I call it "stressmas".
That's cute.
I was looking forwar d to christmas this year.
No shit.
Now, here i go, right back in the fuckin' rabbit hole.
Okay, let's do the drill.
The attack, what preceded it?
Yesterday i we nt down to the shore
to get my boat winterized.
What happened?
I started thinking about this thing
that happened years ago.
I haven't thought about it since it happened.
Tell me about it.
I can't.
I see.
We're at one of our favorite junctures.
Without going into specifics...
i can tell you it was a friend of mine.
I found out he was working for the federal government.
Enough said?
I see.
Am i ruining your christmas?
A- major?
E- major.
I don't know.
Do you think it's too down?
I mean, with the chorus,
"his blood clean s every stain"?
Oh, it's a great mother- jumping lyric, jan.
What are we sellin', ajax?
"His blood cleans stains"?
My brother , i hope.
Shit, fuck.
Hey, you guys, come on in.
We're just working.
On the fuse box?
No, we're making a demo,
tryin' to get some major label interest here.
God, the poor thing.
I'm not coming to eat here
unless this pig sty is cleaned up!
It's my wrist, tony.
And the percodans aren't even working anymore.
You got an y rubber gloves?
I'll get started,
and we can work on the stock.
Whoa, your wrist,
i thought the doctor said it was just a sprain.
Apparently, there's nerve involvement.
I may need an operation.
From the russian?
It was the worst night of my life,
but, it led me to jesus.
Come on, janice, when's the last time
you went to a prayer meetin'?
I know.
And, aaron and i don't even sleep together anymore,
but in a larger sense,
christianity's brought about a business,
with this ccm.
The what?
Christian contemporary, tony, ohh!
It's the fastest growing marketing sector
in the music business today.
Here.
You knocked over your drink, honey.
Ugh...
really hurts, huh?
Yeah.
Janice!
Ooh, here's a branch.
I don't see the rest of the tree.
Fuck that philosophical shit.
Oh, jesus.
What?
Oh, shit.
That i s depressing.
I don't even wanna fuckin' touch this thing.
Hey.
The wife sends her love.
How are ya, ray?
How ya doin', hesh?
Tony,
guess what we found
in the bottom of the christmas box?
The santa outfit.
You guessed!
Burn the fuckin' thing.
This is the firs t christmas in history
i remember him not bein' santa.
Oh, big pussy.
We were talkin' the other day
about that f at piece of shit.
When he got back f rom boca at christmas of'95,
how he wasn't himself.
What happened to,
"not wasting your breath on the cocksucker"?
Two- faced fuck!
To sell out your friends to save your own ass, it's despicable.
That's one rid e i would've loved t o have been along on.
Yeah, me too.
Enough of this shit, put up the fuckin' decorations.
We still gotta find somebody to play santa.
Get the fuck outta here.
It's fitting, you know.
After all, it was your father who started this whole tradition.
That's right,
when johnny boy busted this place out and took it over,
and old man satriale put a bullet in his own head,
there was a lot of sadness on the block.
Nothing a christmas ham couldn't fix.
Come on, t.
Fuckin' stop, alright?
Find somebody else to do it.
The big man!
Come have drink.
Where's slava?
Working probably.
Anthony...
how you doing?
How are ya?
You want somethin'? Food?
No, we're just gonna talk.
Oh, high level.
Shh.
Looks like valery's started to celebrate christmas early.
You don't know the half!
Russian christmas don' t come till mid- january.
There's a quarter mil in there,
my own personal funds.
I'll send it to moscow with the ibm thinkpads.
But, this time, i want to use promstrybank.
Anyway, they will se nd it to the isle of man,
to your bank, numbered account.
Agron...
thanks.
Galina loved the escalante, by the way.
You think you can get another one?
There is something, maybe,
you can help me with.
You tell me what it is , i'll tell you if i can help.
I'm looking for this russian,
he's a friend of svetlana kirilenko,
you know, irina's cousin.
The one- legged woman , i know who she is.
But, i don't want her involved.
All i know about this guy is he drives a livery cab,
and he wasn't very nice to someone important to me.
Don't think another thing about this.
I'll find him, i'll kick the shit out of him.
No, no, no, i'm gonna do this.
This motherfucker's mine.
What happened to the jarlsbe rg that was here?
What, sil?
Stop the music.
Cut, stop the music!
There was an entir e wedge of jarlsberg here this morning.
What happened to it?
I don't know.
Goddamnit!
Debbie had a rondelay of french brie
missing from her purse yesterday.
In there?
Uh- huh.
Ever since w e found that suit,
now i'm dreaming about that fat rat bastard.
What about it?
We did the right thing.
You're startin' to worry me.
You got a problem?
'95.
I can't believe i didn't see it.
I had a fucking lamp down here, but meadow took it to school.
You think it was down in boca, though,
i mean, he was bringing the s hit in through there?
No, it wasn't boca.
They didn't flip him in boca.
He was down there for 24 hours
to set up the sit- down with my uncle,
and i know, for a fact,
he was with my uncle the whole time.
It was the sit- down.
Simpson himself attend ed barbieri's deposition,
but made no comment.
Next week, simpson faces another challenge,
the goldman attorney is seeking access...
i'm saturated with it.
...in anticipation of collecting punitive damages...
corrado.
John.
Where's bonpensiero?
He's not here yet.
He supposed to be here.
He brokered the fuckin' thing.
Hey, i'm here.
What do you think?
I'm gonna let'em hurt my only uncle?
No.
Sit down.
Where the fuck were you?
You better have a good excus for why you're still alive.
I'm sorry, skipper, it'll never happen again.
I hope nobody called the house, though.
I told ange i was with you.
My goomar's mother, we were in the hospital all night,
t. I. A. , that's a small stroke,
she lost use of her left hand.
It's coming back now, but, i didn't eat--
did you get laid?
Yeah.
We should've known, right then,
when he was m. I. A. From that sit- down.
That's all the time you need.
When they flip somebody,
they try to get him back on the street right away,
that very day.
So, you don't have time to think.
Sil, what are you gettin' your goomar for christmas?
Cash, that's the only thing tha t shuts her up
about bein' al one over the holidays.
Michelle likes "ice".
I'm getting a piece from a jew in the city.
T, what are you gettin' your new goomar?
She did me a favor.
She went to morocco over the holidays.
On her own? She paid for it?
Yeah.
She went to morocco?
Who is she, bada bing crosby?
She's not one of those girls.
She's got a real job.
She sells mercedes, smart, gorgeous...
too good to be true.
Speaking of which, who's that piece of ass?
Oh, madonn', look who it is.
It's the miracle of christmas.
Next the blind will see,
and the lame will walk.
So, how is everything here so far, tonight?
Much better now that we've cast our glims
on you, sweetheart.
How you doin', 'mainy?
Fine, tony- oni.
Listen...
i thought you'd wanna know.
Two guys over there, at that table...
yeah?
I think they're fbi.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding, enjoy.
He's ready.
You are a hypocrite.
That's what you are.
You vilify a man behind his back,
and then you smile in his face.
Something's gotta keep the customers coming back
and it's not gonna be your mooshata raviolis, lately.
Hey.
Charmaine...
sometimes we're forced to work the same shift.
Your wife, her ass may be improved artie, but--
hey, hey, hey, come on, sil.
She's over here joking about the fbi.
Since when is that funny?
Yeah.
No, wait, hold on a minute.
Go ahead.
Alright, great.
Yeah...
merry christmas to you, too.
Mr. Valdez?
That's me.
I know you.
You look like maybe someone, i don't know...
he's the designata drive.
Me?
No, you the designata drive.
No, no, you, you, it's you.
You!
Airport ramada, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, let' s go, c'mon.
How was dinner?
Good.
Was charmaine there?
Yep.
She looks good, doesn't she?
What, are you disappointed?
Her husband dumped her, you thought she was gonna look like a krull?
A krull?
A crone, a troll, i don't know.
Holiday traffic.
My head is clanging like a bell.
I got the scooter.
Yay!!
Hello bedford falls!
Oh, jesus.
Merry christmas!
Enough already.
Merry christmas, george.
Santa, we still haven't got one.
You wanna do it?
Me, what do i know about it?
I don't have kids.
You don't have to, santa doesn't have any kids.
Yeah, that's strange,
that mr. And mrs. Claus didn't have kids of their own.
Probably why they got into it in the first place.
I used to think the elves were their kids.
They were running a sweatshop over there.
There was something on tv,
the original elves were ugly,
traveled with santa to throw bad kids a beatin',
and he gave the good ones toys.
The fuckin' grinch.
Maybe that's where they got the idea.
And fuckin' dr. Seuss ripped it off.
That grinch, man, that's where the money is.
A couple hundred mil.
Put jim carrey in the motherfucker.
Tony...
hey!
I got stuff for the party, toys.
From me and junior.
They're not wrapped,
but this way they can see what they're getting.
Tell junior thank you.
What?
Ho- fuckin'- ho.
You're right.
What are you talking about?
You wanna play santa claus at the party this year?
No, i can't do that.
Why not?
I don't know, i don't know how.
What's to know?
You ask'em what they want for christmas,
you give'em a nice to y, and that's the end ofit.
No, not me, i can't.
Yes, you can.
I can't!
Why not?
I'm shy.
The boss of this family told you
you're gonna be santa claus,
you're santa claus.
So, shut the fuck up about it.
A strange and macabre christmas story,
another sad incidence of continuing violence
against livery drivers.
In downtown newark, police were called to the scene
of what appeared to be a christmas prank gone awry.
Livery driver igor parnasky
was found trapped under santa's sleigh,
and severely beaten inside the window display
at curran's sporting goods.
The russian emigre also suffered
injuries from broken glass.
From his description of his assailants,
police are questioning members
of a marauding youth gang...
oh, my god!
...their turf.
Merry christmas.
Reporting live from downtown newark...
oh, my...
aaron, honey, honey?
Yeah?
I think i know wha t's missing from the song.
It's the brother concept.
He ain't heavy?
No, i mean , not exactly.
Maybe we can try t o get something down.
Jan, you're crying.
Sometimes we really don' t see our loved ones.
Hi, whatcha doing?
Just enjoying the tree.
I love this time of year.
Me, too.
You' re ho me early.
Hunter went into the city with hadley.
So, where's jackie tonight?
He had to go visit a frien d of his in the hospital.
Oh, no, who?
Someone from school, they think it's appendicitis.
Oh, my god.
So, you and jackie are getting pretty close, huh?
That new angel looks really great.
...that's what he said.
Wanna see 50 gs?
Holy shit!
What is that, sapphires?
Yeah, my wife better like it.
Wild turkey, neat.
How you doin'?
Fine.
How are you?
Carmela was right,
you look great.
Thank you.
I'm trying to give you a compliment.
Well, don't.
What's your fuckin' problem?
All these years, i've sat here and i kept my mouth shut.
I didn't want you and your boys comin' in here.
And look what happened,
look what you've done to my husband.
Artie? I'm trying to help him.
Yeah, well , good luck,
because he's a friggin' mess.
Let's get the fuck outta here.
Where to?
Who gives a shit?
A new joint ju st opened on 46th,
i been meaning to check out the competition.
Come on.
Tony!
Hey, what's goin' on?
Gettin' a little lovin'?
It's not what you think.
C'mon.
C'mon, it's alright, i just wanna talk to you.
C'mon.
It's a bachelor party, my frat brothers.
I didn't d o anything!
Shut up!
Put your hands up, put your hands up!
No...please.
C'mon, you fuck!
You fuckin' puss y piece of shit.
All i did was tell your old man what a good kid you were,
and all you do is fuckin' hurt me.
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry.
What's this?
Hmm?
Nice.
I'm sorry, i'm sorry.
You bottomed out.
What do you mean?
You bottomed out.
I wish i could get up at 11:30 every morning
after being out all night, god knows where.
Stop with the pots and pans.
Where were you last night?
Nowhere,
i wasn't anywhere.
I was the monogamy poster boy, swear to god.
Oh, please.
Well, i break up with the so- called russian whore,
i'm towing the line,
and this is the thanks i get!
What about charmaine?
Charmaine?
Mm- hmm, i know all about you.
What?
I didn't d o anything.
Yeah, you did in high school.
High school?
Don't try to deny it.
Oh, okay, high school, okay.
Her husband dumps her and she never looked so good?
You gotta ask yourself why.
I didn't do nothing.
I didn't do nothing!
It's too late.
I don't believe anything you say.
My wife had her doubts about jackie jr...
and all along i kept defending the little two- faced prick.
Do you feel responsible for their relationship?
Meadow thinks she'd still going out with the oreo cookie
if it wasn't for me.
Well, that's true, isn't it?
The question i s, what am i gonna do about jackie?
Should i tell my wife?
Meadow, jesus, she's--
it'd break her heart if she knew.
On another subject,
i was thinking about what we were talking about
last time you were here.
You know,
your friend who was working for the federal government?
Granted i get most of my information
from the movies and bill curtis.
But i was thinking...
they're around the block out there.
Biggest one yet.
Where's the friggin' beard?
I saw it in the box.
It's gotta be there.
Even without padding,
the suit's too small on this fatso.
Motherfucker.
What, ton'?
He was wearing a wire...
when he came to the party
he already had the suit on.
Alvin!
Okay!
Hey, look at this.
Oh...!
You been walking around like that?
Boosting salvation army kettles now.
Kevin, go make me a sandwich.
Okay, dad.
He's a method actor.
Getting into character like al.
Yeah...
"it was you, fredo."
Look at that, don' t even need a pillow.
Hey! Watch the suit!
He can't make a joke?
What, are you mr. Sensitive over here?
Chrissy, ashtrays.
Tony...
this problem
with the red- tag garbage dumpin g in paden city...
fuckin' christmas,
he wants to talk about medical waste?
I just want to double- check that the way is paved for us to go down there,
we reached out to ep a guy like we told barone.
That reminds me, tony, dick called this morning.
I'm fuckin' talkin' an d stop fuckin' interruptin'!
The fuck is wrong with you?
Fuck you!
Hey, hey, hey!
Take it easy!
Ton'.
What's the matter with you?
Jesus christ.
Oh, it's as cold as your sister's tit out there.
You should see the crowd of little people.
Jackie jr. , how you doin', huh?
You look great.
Hey, jackie, tell'em what you told me in the car on the way over here.
Come on, the capital of canada.
The kid's got it up here.
Give me your coat, c'mon.
Crissy, let'em in for chrissake.
One, two, three, four,
open up th e stupid door!
Go see santa,
right this way.
Ho, ho, ho!
Merry christmas, come on in, children!
Don't be afrai d, c'mon, sweetheart.
Come sit on santa's lap.
Oh...!
Have you b een a good girl?
What do you want for christmas?
I want a new doll and a kitchen.
You want a new dol l and a kitchen.
Here's something, dad.
I mean , santa.
My little elf here's got a littl e snow on the brain.
He called me dad.
You like i t? Big enough to be your sister.
Merry christmas.
Thank you, santa.
Oh, how cute.
Who's next?
C'mon, don't be shy, ho, ho, ho!
Merry christmas.
Next in line, we got a lotta people to go, c'mon.
What do you want?
Merry christmas.
Wait a minute.
I gotta give you a present, here.
C'mon, single file over here!
C'mon, next one in line!
It would kill him to say "ho, ho, ho"?
You were just here.
I was not.
Yeah, you were , you were on my lap five minutes ago.
No, i wasn't.
Yes, you were.
Now you're going on santa's list an d you're getting nothing!
Fuck you, santa!
Hey! Hey!
Gregorio!
How dare you talk that way to santa.
He never talks that way at home.
My friend,
you don't talk that way to santa.
Get back there, tell santa you're sorry.
Go on.
I'm sorry, santa.
That's better.
I don't care, you are punished.
What the hell's wrong with you, bobby?
You got kids of your own.
I didn't wanna do this.
Shyness is a curse.
Why don't you lighten up a little bit? It's christmas.
C'mere, honey.
Don't be scared of santa.
C'mon, there you go.
Next year he goes to santa school.
Fuckin' ho hum , if you ask me.
I don't miss pussy's fake fuckin' good cheer,
tell you the truth.
Let him st ay with the fish.
Why'd you go to that psychic last year?
Since you don't dwell on this shit.
That was different.
Chrissy was shot.
That was a paranormal event.
What the fuck are you talking about?
That psychic told you those guys were haunting you.
The guys that you...
pussy,
i loved that cocksucker like a brother
and he fucked me in the ass.
That's the difference between puss and the others.
Him you loved.
The world don't run on love.
He was a rat bastard.
One thing you got to admit,
he made a great santa claus.
He did.
In the end, fuck santa claus.
Another sweater.
That's from nana.
You're gonna tell her how much you like it when she gets here.
Who could that be so early?
Let me see, maybe it'll fit me.
It's not bad, better than last year.
Jackie jr. , hi.
Merry christmas.
Merry christmas, aunt carm.
It's okay if i come in?
We're just opening our presents.
Merry christmas, ton'.
Good morning.
Merry christmas.
These are from mom for everybody.
This is for you.
Wow, thank you.
Let me get your present.
No, you can open yours first if you want.
Okay.
This is so beautiful, jackie,
thank you.
There's something on the back.
"To m. S. From j. A.
I will always be true."
Oh, jackie.
I'll be right back.
C'mere, le t me see that.
Can i talk to you?
I flunked out of rutgers.
I'm sorry, i know i fucked up.
I got distracted this year by things.
Ralph said i was probably wasting my time
if i didn't have the aptitude.
Ralph?
You know, he didn't go to school,
and look at the money he was making when he was my age.
And the piece,
my car got broken into a couple of times at the frat house,
so ralph gave it to me.
It was fuckin' stupid, i know it.
But tony, i'm gonna be alright now.
I'm gonna design men's suits.
Meadow thinks i should go to the fashion institute.
I really think i could be good if i applied myself.
You bullshit me and you betray my daughter.
I'm sorry.
Go back inside.
I'm gonna be frank on this.
I haven't decide d what to do with you.
Comin' through!
You can't stay?
I still have to give you your present.
I'm driving mo m up to the home to see grandma.
Thank you for my beautiful necklace.
Merry christmas.
Go be with your family and open your presents.
Love you.
Oh, my god.
Lemme see, mom.
Look at this.
Wow.
Mmm.
Well, uh,
this is gonna seem really stupid after that, but,
it's your turn, dad.
This is for you.
I didn't think you were gonna get me anything.
After...
it's christmas.
Thank you.
Come on, open it.
What is it?
"Big mouth billy bass", what is that?
Oh, those are good.
Wait till you see what it does.
What does it do?
You'll see.
I know i give you a lot of stuff, dad,
i don't kn ow what you do with it, but,
i want to see this on your desk, promise?
Yeah.
That is hilarious.
Wait, mom.
What a riot.
It's cute.
Thanks, honey.
Captions copyright 2001 home box office
a division of time warner entertainment company, L. P.