Hi. Welcome to the show. My name's Howard Moon and this is Vince Noir.
-All right? This week, the subject of heroes.
﻿What is a hero? Who is a hero? Am I a hero?
﻿- No way. We'll tackle that question in the show.
﻿Can anyone be a hero any more in the modern world?
-Jagger. He's like... -1 mean real heroes.
﻿He's a hero. He's a monkey genius. - I'm talking about Livingstone.
﻿Explorers. People who went deep into the heart of darkness
﻿to confront the terrifying abyss.
﻿What would Jagger do when confronted by the abyss?
﻿He'd probably go like this.
﻿Enjoy the show.
﻿..to the world of The Mighty Boosh.
Come with us to The Mighty Boosh X The Mighty Boosh
Come with us to The Mighty Boosh
﻿Can I squirt for a bit? No. You buff, I squirt.
﻿I've been here longer than you. Get on with it.
﻿- You're in a right mood. What's wrong? - The zoo's falling apart.
﻿Never used to be like this. Not when Tommy ran the zoo.
Tommy, where you go
Tommy, where you go, where you go
Where are you now, Tommy? J1
﻿- He's dead. He's not dead.
﻿Everyone knows he fell in the ocelot pit.
-They never found his body. -They munched on him like an old Twix.
﻿I find that difficult to believe. Tommy was one of the greatest zookeepers ever.
﻿Ocelots were no match for him. He was a great man. Powerful and handsome.
﻿Handsome? I've seen footage of him. He had a big head.
﻿- Short, stocky legs. That was the look in the late '50s.
-The barrel head? -It was all the rage.
﻿Women would swoon when Tommy shuffled into a room.
﻿It was a different aesthetic. None of your fashionable androgyny in his day.
﻿He was a man's man. I mean, look at you. Feather cut, pointy features.
﻿Put you in the '50s, you'd be imprisoned for being a witch.
﻿They'd lock you in a trunk. - This is the Mod style.
﻿- You're not a Mod. I am. I'm king of the Mods.
﻿I'm getting into the Mod scene. Check this guy out.
﻿Who's that berk? - Uber Mod.
﻿Look at his hair. It's over a metre tall.
﻿- That's good, is it? Yeah. I reckon I could take his title.
﻿With enough cheap wizz and a powerful hairdryer, I reckon I could beat that.
﻿Start off in Europe and take that title, and then bang! Worldwide.
﻿Whoa! It's gonna be enormous. It's gonna block out the sun.
-﻿You'll be in the shadows. -Are you ill?
﻿Tommy hated Mods. - Thought he might.
-﻿They enraged him on sight. -1 thought they might.
﻿Cos he was a Rocker. Used to go down to Brighton at weekends.
﻿If he saw any Mods, he'd run at them, head-butt them off their scooters.
﻿- Rockabilly Rhino, we called him. Sounds like the work of a violent dwarf.
﻿Well, he did have violent episodes, that is true.
﻿But between those episodes, there was a calmer side to Tommy.
﻿-A flip side. Yeah. Tommy was a dreamer.
﻿We all dream. But do we really dream?
﻿Yeah. We do.
﻿Yeah, but do we really dream?
﻿- Yeah, we do. What's your point? - Tommy was a dreamer.
﻿He had many dreams. He had dreams about this place, Vince.
﻿He dreamt about a zoo so small it could fit inside a key.
﻿Not his best dream. He had other dreams. That was Tommy's gift.
﻿He could move from dream to dream, like the dream skipper.
﻿- Did he eat a lot of cheese? Yeah. A bit too much, actually.
﻿Yeah. He had a problem with calcium build-up.
﻿- Is that why his head was... - Yeah.
﻿- Well, whatever. He's dead, so... - He's not dead.
﻿- What? He's alive.
﻿- He's dead. He's alive and guiding me. I sense him.
﻿Guiding you where?
﻿Guiding me about my business, thank you very much.
﻿About your business? You've gone wrong in your mind tank.
﻿- What are you on about? You've got to accept it. We all die.
﻿We all die. But do we really die?
-What is that? -Something Tommy taught me.
﻿Never stop questioning the nature of reality.
﻿You're questioning it, but are you really questioning it?
-﻿Now you're getting it. -1 am getting it.
﻿But am I really getting it? - That's enough now.
﻿It is enough. But is it really enough?
﻿This is a staff announcement.
﻿You are all fired, so pack up and ship out. Good day.
﻿- What's going on, Mr Fossil? Bainbridge is selling the zoo, Moon.
﻿- What do you mean? What part don't you get?
﻿Bainbridge sells zoo. They're building a road over it.
﻿'m gonna go to Miami and take up golf.
-﻿Bainbridge can't sell the zoo. -Why can't he?
﻿I'll tell you why. Because of Tommy.
﻿What do you know about Tommy? Tommy's dead.
﻿They never found his body. Under Zoo Regulation 409 subsection C,
﻿he's technically the owner and you can't sell it.
﻿Thanks.
﻿Oh, yeah? Let me show you something.
﻿This is a contract. It said that Tommy owned the zoo
﻿but in the event of his disappearance, after 10 years, it reverts to Bainbridge.
﻿Suck on that subsection.
﻿Right.
﻿Note to self. I hate whites.
﻿Hey, Naboo. How are you?
﻿I can't believe Bainbridge is selling up. - He's a ballbag.
﻿What are you gonna do? You'll be all right. You're a shaman. Specialist job.
﻿I might transform into a mighty hawk. - A what?
-﻿Mighty hawk. -Wow.
﻿Either that or work in Dixons. I haven't decided.
﻿- That's a tough call. - What about you?
﻿I am king of the Mods so I'll put a parka on and walk about like that,
﻿chewing gum.
﻿It's a shame, though. I love this place. Gonna miss it.
﻿Well, when the lion roars and the wind blows, who knows what might happen?
﻿What?
﻿Sorry.
﻿Balabang-mamphor...
﻿Hey, Naboo. Naboo?
﻿(Drumming)
﻿(Drumming stops)
﻿(Drumming)
﻿(Drumming stops)
﻿(Drumming)
﻿(Drumming stops and starts)
﻿(Drumming starts then fades)
﻿Don't try and take me on. I'm king of the Mods.
﻿Put me through to Dixon Bainbridge.
﻿I don't know how to dial. Thank you.
﻿(Phone ringing)
﻿Dixon Bainbridge.
﻿Hello, Bainbridge. It's Bobby-bob-bob.
﻿I'm busy, Fossil. Is there a problem with the sale of the zoo?
﻿That's all fine and dandy. But Howard's been asking questions about Tommy.
﻿You catch Moon sniffing around that jungle room, do what we did last time.
﻿What, ride in a pick-up truck and beat up midgets?
﻿Lock him in there. The place is crawling with wolves. He'll be dead by dawn.
﻿Oh, yeah. Right. - Good day, sir.
-Are you wearing any pants? -1 said good day, sir.
﻿Rhino!
﻿(Owl hoots)
﻿So this is it? - Yeah.
﻿The crazy times we've had here, eh?
﻿Remember my first day? - Yeah.
﻿You took me out of school. You said GCSEs weren't important.
﻿I remember I was on frogs. There was a newt involved.
﻿-1 started trembling. Never tremble with a newt.
-Exactly. -You change its sex.
﻿I didn't know that. You taught me that. - Yeah.
﻿Remember when that llama got out? - Yeah.
﻿He went AWOL, he went crazy. Started hoofing the public.
﻿Do you remember? He was out there hoofing doctors, hoofing vicars.
﻿He got in a gift shop, put a moustache on. A girl said, "Can I have a pencil?"
﻿Hooo! Hoofed her out of the shop.
﻿Ah... No one could get near that llama. But you, you got off on it.
﻿It's one of the few ways to calm a llama down.
﻿Calm a llama down.
﻿J' Calmallama deep down in the ocean
﻿J' Blue like a barnacle Sittin' in a tight place
﻿J' Laughing like a monkey, I'm pulling like a China boy
Caraway, caraway, caraway, noise Being, tikka masala
﻿J' Being, tikka masala, oh!
Tooth, tooth, phoot! J1
﻿Oh, well. I've got you something. A little gift there.
﻿- Oh, thanks. Little something. Memento.
﻿When you look at that, you'll think of me.
﻿- What did you get me? - Er...
﻿Oh. Erm...
﻿Oh, I got you this.
-﻿Where did you get this? -1 didn't steal it.
﻿- Where did you find it? Outside the old jungle room.
﻿- The old jungle room? This is Tommy's necklace.
﻿-So? Do you see what this means?
﻿
﻿Jungle room shut down ten years ago. Tommy disappeared ten years ago.
﻿Shut down ten years ago. Tommy disappeared ten years ago. Necklace...
﻿Tommy's in the jungle room. We've got to get him.
﻿He can stop the sale of the zoo. Let's go!
﻿(Mad bongo drumming)
﻿Hey. How's it going?
﻿- What are you wearing? - What?
﻿You can't go in the jungle dressed like a Camden leisure pirate.
﻿- I'm king of the Mods. - We're in a rainforest.
﻿So? I might have to do a benefit for some pine cones.
﻿The forest is no respecter of fashion. - Really?
﻿Look. Check out what I've got going on.
﻿This is my look, yeah? Forest casual.
-﻿Forest casual for the leafy gent. -What's this?
﻿Get off my juju beads. - Juju beads?
﻿- They're Sugar Puffs. Shut up. This is my look.
﻿- You look like a knob. We'll see who survives here.
﻿You little pimp.
﻿This is ridiculous. I mean, we're lost.
﻿How will we get back to the zoo? - Don't worry about that, OK?
﻿Tommy taught me an efficient system of jungle navigation.
﻿Ever since we set off, I've been leaving a trail of sweets.
﻿We'll be able to retrace our steps, don't you worry.
﻿- How are we gonna find Tommy? Calm down. I've got it under control.
﻿You've got to be at one with this place.
﻿You've got to get with the bracken, move with the moss.
﻿You've got to speak the forest's language.
Cor-demahek-ayyy...
Cor-misahek... J1
﻿I don't think the forest liked what you were saying.
﻿It's just that one tree, OK?
﻿You having fun? - (Wolf howls)
﻿What was that? - Owls.
﻿Pretending to be wolves? - They're good mimics.
﻿- What? It's OK. I know how to deal with wolves.
﻿You simply punch it on the nose. - That's sharks, isn't it?
﻿Works for any animal. Something Tommy taught me.
﻿He had a lot of wisdom in his head. - It was big enough.
﻿- Don't bad-mouth my hero. Will you ever shut up about Tommy?
﻿Don't you understand anything? We're here to find him.
﻿Rescue him, bring him back.
﻿Do you love him?
﻿You say one more thing about Tommy and you're on your own.
﻿Did you kiss him?
﻿(Wolf howls) - Howard?
﻿(Wolf) Ben Sherman. Mmm...
﻿Howard?
﻿(J' Guitar wailing)
-Who are you? -1 go by many names.
﻿Well, what are they?
﻿I'm getting round to that in my own good mystical time.
﻿Some call me Shatoon, bringer of corn.
﻿Others call me Mickey Nine, the dream weaver.
﻿Some call me Photoshop.
﻿Others call me Trenu, the boiler.
﻿Some call me Marjorie Keek.
﻿Others call me Captain Mas...
﻿Others call me... R-R-Rubbady-pubbady.
-﻿Look, I haven't really got time for this. -Oi!
﻿- Are you gonna tell me your real name? - My name is Rudi.
﻿Rudi Van Der Saniel, jazz fusion guitarist.
﻿(J1 Plays fast lick)
﻿You are searching for something, yes? - Yeah. How do you know?
-1 know all things. -Basically, I'm looking for my mate...
﻿Do not tell me. Perhaps what you seek is inside yourself.
﻿- No, it's not. Damn. That usually works.
﻿Well, then, let us see what is behind the door of Kakundu.
﻿(Creaking)
﻿(Groans)
﻿Ah. The sacred pipe.
﻿- This is what you seek, yes? No. I'm looking for my mate Howard.
﻿I told you not to tell me. Your friend is dead.
﻿- What? Eaten by wolves.
﻿By what?
﻿Wolves.
﻿Oh, here's your pipe.
﻿Thanks, anyway.
﻿Wait. You have passed the test.
﻿- What test? The pipe test.
﻿Most men would have taken the pipe for it is worth well over 35 Euros.
﻿But you have an honest heart. You brought it back to me.
﻿So I will help you. Your friend is not dead. He is alive.
﻿But he is deep in the centre of the jungle room.
-Can you take me there? -1 cannot take you the whole way
﻿for it is far too dangerous.
﻿But I can take you some of the way. Hop upon my small section of Woodstock.
﻿Right.
﻿Let the journey commence.
-Is that it? -1 can go no further.
﻿- Oh, great. Do not be afraid, pretty lady.
﻿If you are in danger, play this simple tune and I will come to your aid.
﻿(J1 Plays three notes)
﻿Wow. Thanks, Rudi. You've been great. I don't know what to say.
﻿Don't say anything. Simply kiss my balls.
﻿- I'm not doing that. You have passed the test.
﻿- What test? The ball test.
﻿Most men would have kissed my balls for they are worth...
﻿- Bye. Good luck.
﻿Hello, stranger. You look weary from your travels.
﻿Come. Sit down and warm yourself by the fire.
﻿Thank you.
﻿Only two kinds of people venture this far into the depths of the jungle.
﻿A fool or an idiot.
﻿Well, if risking life and limb to rescue a great man makes me a fool,
﻿then call me a fool.
-Well, fool... -Thanks.
﻿This person must be very important. - He is important. He's my mentor.
﻿He's my hero.
﻿Maybe this hero is closer than you think, Howard Moon.
﻿- How do you know my name? I thought you'd recognise my voice.
﻿Oh, my God. Allan Holdsworth.
﻿No, you numb nut. It is I, Tommy.
﻿Tommy!
﻿Whoa, now!
﻿Woo! What's happening there?
﻿Howard?
﻿(Wolf howling)
﻿(J1 Plays different three notes)
﻿All right, mate? What's the problem?
-Where's Rudi? -The geezer with the Afro?
﻿Oh, no. This happens all the time. You played the wrong tune.
﻿He's doo-dee-do. I'm doo-dee-da.
﻿He should get it changed. Losing a lot of business.
﻿Why? What do you do? - I'm a locksmith.
﻿You haven't seen my mate Howard, have you? Kind of tall, scruffy hair.
﻿Small eyes like a crab.
﻿He's talking to a geezer with a big head.
﻿Excellent. Cheers. Thanks, mate. See you later.
﻿Don't blow that wrong number again, will you?
﻿What, I walk home, do I?
﻿Brilliant.
﻿I have survived only by eating cheese.
﻿And as the saying goes, you are what you eat.
﻿And I am freaking cheese!
﻿I have built up an enormous fatty deposit about my face, much like a camel.
﻿But you can barely notice.
﻿Yeah. Tommy, we've got to get you back.
﻿You're the only one who can stop the sale of the zoo.
-﻿Hey, Howard. -Ah! A Mod!
﻿Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
﻿- What are you doing? I am a Rocker! He is a Mod!
﻿We are mortal enemies! - He's a friend.
﻿Oh, sorry.
﻿Who's this yellow lunatic? - Vince, this is Tommy.
﻿-1 found him. I thought you said he was handsome.
﻿-Shh. That's OK, Howard. The Mod is right.
﻿I haven't aged well.
﻿But let me tell you something.
﻿Beauty is but skin deep, my pointy friend.
﻿Get ready for some Tommy magic. Here comes the wisdom.
﻿Yes, my face is hideous to behold.
﻿But when I dance, oh, how my beauty shines forth
﻿and lights up the jungle!
﻿J' Cheese is a kind of meat
A tasty yellow beef
﻿J' I milk it from my teat
﻿J' But I try to be discreet
Ooh, cheese
Ooh, cheese J1
﻿Is that your hero?
﻿- Yeah. He's gone a bit wrong. - I'm gonna stick with Jagger.
﻿(Human beatbox)
﻿
-﻿Tommy, that's enough. -Comejoin me.
﻿No, this isn't a time for dancing, OK? We've got a long journey ahead.
﻿Fools. I know how to get out of the jungle instantly.
﻿- How? Gather round. I will reveal all.
﻿Come closer.
﻿Not you, Fire.
﻿I leave this jungle every night. - How?
﻿Through the dreams that come with cheese.
﻿Mmm... I'm skiing in France. I'm flying a boat.
﻿I'm turning tricks in Chad! Cheese dreams!
﻿'m off my ever-loving tits!
﻿- Come on, Babybel. J' Cheese is a kind of meat
A tasty yellow beef! J1
﻿Stop. Stop.
﻿I can't go on any further. I am too old.
﻿You and your wife must go on without me.
﻿But we're nearly there. We've got to get back, stop the sale of the zoo.
﻿I am slowing you down and the wolves are getting closer.
﻿You must go on alone. - Come on. Let's go.
﻿I'm not leaving him. If we go back without him, it's all been for nothing.
﻿Howard, I have a plan to save the zoo.
﻿- What plan? First, you must kill me.
-﻿-1 can't do that. -1 could do that.
﻿Do you mind? This is a poignant moment between me and my hero.
﻿Listen, Howard. Remember the first thing I taught you?
﻿That dolphins are evil. - No. The other thing.
-﻿-We all die. -We all die.
﻿But do we really die?
﻿Perhaps even in death I can save the zoo.
﻿But you must help me, Howard Moon.
﻿-1 think I understand. - You do understand.
﻿But do you really understand? - Yeah.
﻿Now you must be the hero
﻿and do what must be done.
﻿Have you got anything bigger?
﻿
﻿(Tommy shouts)
﻿(Tommy) Yes... No... Oh, great. A little to the left.
﻿Oh, good. No! Oooh! Nice.
﻿Aaahh! Oh, not again! Yes!
﻿Oooh, you're killing me! Oh, that's good!
﻿- Have you done it? He's in here. Don't prod him.
﻿- How's this gonna help? Don't worry. I've got a plan.
﻿With this bag of cheesy gratings, we'll save the zoo. I'm the hero now.
﻿All we've gotta do now is get back before the wolves arrive.
﻿(Wolves howl)
﻿Have you got another plan? - Punch them on the nose?
﻿I'm gonna be down here weeping.
﻿I don't wanna die. I've got so much to give.
﻿Howard? - What?
﻿I think it's gonna be all right. Look.
﻿Mod wolves.
﻿And I'm king of the Mods.
﻿(J1 Hymn-like Hammond organ chords)
﻿(J1 Hammond organ groove)
﻿See ya.
-It's locked. -Don't worry. Leave it to me.
﻿Check this out.
﻿(J1 Plays three notes)
﻿Oh, no. Not you again, mate. I told you, I'm a locksmith.
﻿- Can you open this? - Fair enough.
﻿(J1 Hammond organ groove)
﻿Oi, where's my fee?
﻿Erm... You can have this pipe. It's worth over 35 Euros.
﻿There you go.
-What's this? -Change.
﻿Animals come and go, roads go on forever. Here's to Tarmac and to me.
-﻿Can you just sign, please? -All right, all right. Pen.
﻿Here, Bainbridge. You just click the end like this. Clickety-click, clickety...
﻿Yeah, I know how it works.
﻿- Wait. What the hump are you doing here?
﻿We thought you might want cheese to go with your wine.
﻿-1 hate cheese. I'm quite partial to a bit of cheese.
﻿I love cheese.
﻿- Mmm. Cracker?
﻿I don't use them. Quite meaty. What is it?
﻿Tommyzola. - What?
﻿Tommyzola. It's a kind of jungle cheese.
﻿- Superb. Can you sign? We have a lot to do.
﻿I will sign. - Good.
﻿But will I really sign? - What?
-Do you want to sell the zoo or not? -1 do want to sell the zoo.
﻿But do I really want to sell the zoo? - This is ludicrous.
﻿It is, but is it really ludicrous? - We're leaving now.
﻿- You are. But are you really leaving?
-﻿Bainbridge, you're acting crazy. -1 am acting crazy.
﻿- But am I really acting crazy? - It's the end of the show.
﻿It is the end of the show, but is it really the...
﻿(J1 Funky groove)