(applause)
Which means... which means a profit so far this year
- of 18OO billion billion. - Splendid!
And this doesn't even include the added revenue arising from your takeover of ITV.
ITV! I'd forgotten about ITV. Brilliant!
Gentlemen, when I first started Reynholm Industries,
I had just two things in my possession -
a dream and 6 million pounds.
Today I have a business empire the like of which...
the world has never seen the like of which.
I hope it doesn't sound arrogant when I say that I am the greatest man in the world.
Hear, hear.
Gentlemen, to the future.
Oh, you don't have any glasses. Just pretend.
- The future. - The future.
Um... Sorry to interrupt, but there are some policemen here.
They say they need to speak to you about irregularities in the pension fund.
I see. Could you make them a cup of tea, please, Stephanie?
- (Moss) Nice. - Isn't she a beauty?
It's certainly a phone.
- 16O PPI screen, Wi-Fi enabled... - Ask me what kind of phone I've got.
- What kind of phone have you got? - It doesn't matter.
Voice recognition.
So let's say I wanted to call my mum, all I'd have to do is say "Mum" and it calls her.
I don't need to do anything.
- It's the dog's bollocks. Oh, no... - (woman) Hello? Hello?
Mum, Mum. No... no. I'm sorry.
No, Moss said that.
Yeah. OK. I'll call you later. Bye.
Only problem with it is that it's got a very weedy vibrate setting.
I mean, it... Watch this. OK.
(laughs)
(weak buzzing)
- I mean, what is that? - I'll sort it out.
Oh, could you? Just, you know, welly up the vibrate on it a bit.
OK, all right. Now, will you answer this question?
Oh. (sighs) Are we still on this?
Well, you keep interrupting me. We would have been done ages ago...
All right, all right, OK. Go on.
Question 39, when was the last time you exercised?
Ah. The last time I exercised was... never.
I'm still reeling from your answer to question 12.
- What was question 12? - You brush your teeth in the bath.
- So? - That's where your... balls are.
OK, question 4O, do you get your five fruit and veg?
Oh... (sighs) I mean, I certainly try to. I would say I probably do.
- A day. - A what?
OK, you are going to love this.
This website takes all that information you just gave me, and guess what it does.
It actually estimates the date of your death.
- What? - I know. Unbelievable, isn't it?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. I know about those. Everyone knows about those.
Oh, right, so you've already done it. So, when's the big day?
No! I haven't done it! Why would I want to do it?
I go March 2, 2O79.
- Oh, my God. - That's right, baby, I've got 7O more years.
OK, Moss, close that window. I do not wanna know.
- But I've written it all in now. - Moss!
I do not wanna know the date of my death. Close it.
(phone rings)
Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off? You know what, I'm sick of saying that.
What do you want?
OK. Yeah, someone'll be up in a minute. Maybe.
You looked!
You know! You know when I'm going to die!
- I do, yes. - I told you not to look.
- I made a mistake. - Oh! (groans)
When is it?
- You don't wanna know. - You can't say that to me now!
My advice, Roy, is to forget all about this.
Why, how long have they given me? 2O years?
It's less than 2O?
You see, I don't think this is taking into account leap years,
so that could well be something to hang on to.
What does it say, Moss? Does... does it say I'm already dead?
- Oh, no, that'd be terrible. - Thank God.
- It's Thursday. - What?
- It's Thursday. - Thursday?
Again, remember, leap years.
It's Thursday! Thursday's the third!
Although not till late afternoon, so that gives you most of the day.
3pm. How can they be that specific?
- Yeah. It's silly. - Yeah.
- These things are, at best, 79% accurate. - Oh, good.
I would take no further notice of it.
Yeah. Yeah, no, you're right. It's silly.
I will take no further notice of it.
Apparently there's something wrong with all the computers on seven. Who wants it? Roy?
Ooh, you look terrible.
Are you ill?
I don't know.
This idiot's disabled the flipping firewall.
Yeah. Hello? Excuse me.
Thank you. Um... Some attention, please.
I know you don't think it's important or cool,
but there is a ruddy good reason why we put up antiviral software and firewalls.
It's because there are a lot of dangerous things out there.
- Jesus! - (woman screams)
Well, you know... All right, calm down. Just don't disable the firewalls.
OK, 73. That's good, that's good.
And, um... Mum, what age did Uncle Tony die?
32?!
Oh, it was a car accident! Brilliant! OK.
No, I completely forgot. OK. Oh, Mum, I have to go.
Unbelievable. Some brainiac disabled his firewall,
which means that all of the computers on floor seven are teeming with viruses,
plus I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs
because the lift is broken again.
- Oh, my God. - What?
- Oh, my God. - What? What is it?
- Denholm's dead. - Oh, yes, and Denholm's dead.
OK, everyone ready?
Wow, you look great. We should go to more funerals.
Yeah, except is there any chance that I could, um... not go to this one?
No. Why?
It's just, you know... funerals. They're so morbid.
Oh, will you please forget this website nonsense? You are not going to die.
Come on, cheer up. You're gonna ruin the funeral.
No, you're right, I... I... Pay no attention to me. I'm being an idiot.
Dead man walking.
Very funny.
You crazy little bastard.
So, when did you last exercise, Jen?
- Ooh, no, you are not gonna do it to me. - Scared?
No. I happen to think I have a good few years left.
I take plenty of exercise and I haven't smoked for three years.
- I didn't know you smoked. - Oh, yeah. I was on 4O a day by the end.
4O a day? That's 146,OO2 a decade, presuming there's two leap years.
- How the flip did you give up? - Basically pure self-control, Moss.
No, no, I'd never smoke again. I'd rather lick a tramp.
Derek, hello.
Hello, Jen. Thank you for printing up those funeral announcements.
Oh, no, no, I enjoyed doing it.
You know, in a... in a... in a... in a... in a sad way.
- Can I have a word, please? - Sure.
(Roy sighs)
- Hey. - Oh, hey.
Oh, my phone. Oh, cool. Have you, um... souped it up?
Yeah, I've totally pimped your phone, girlfriend.
(roaring vibration)
- Is that the highest setting? - That... is the lowest setting.
It should come as no surprise to you that I don't like this department.
Never have, never will. I see no need for an IT department
and I would much rather use this basement for something important, like a big toilet.
Ooh, I have to say that actually is a bit of a surprise.
Really? I did send out a memo.
I didn't get it. I... I had no idea you felt like this.
Well, I do. However, I am prepared to give you another chance.
Another chance? But I didn't know we'd already had a chance.
This should be the first chance. You should give us this chance and then another chance.
(Roy and Moss laugh hysterically)
(phone vibrates loudly)
OK, OK. Now give me a go, give me a go.
- I'm gonna put it up to five. - OK.
Oh, I'm gonna put it in my pocket!
(shrieks)
Put it up to eight, put it up to eight.
I'm not putting it up to eight, Moss. It'll blow my cock off.
- Go on, go on. Put it up. - OK, OK, I'll put it up.
You do know we are burying a great man today?
Did someone else die?
I mean Mr Reynholm!
Yeah.
- "Did someone else die?" - Well, I didn't know.
You have to be careful. He's our new boss.
Oh, he hates us. He keeps saying that there doesn't even need to be an IT department.
Why did no one tell me this?
There was a memo. It just said, "I hate the IT department."
Oh, no, no, no. No, you are not coming to the funeral, Richmond.
What funeral?
(church bells)
Oh.
Has anyone got the right time?
- It's twenty to three. - I make it a quarter to.
Why? Oh, yes, because that website said you were going to die at three, didn't it?
- Did it? I... I can't remember. - But how could you forget?
It clearly stated that you were going to die, today, at precisely three.
Unless it was tomorrow. But, no, it's today at three.
Will you put it out of your mind?
Right. You're right. Out of my mind.
OK, there's Denholm's wife.
I never know what to say to people at funerals.
No, neither do I. I'm terrible.
Oh, just say, "I'm sorry for your loss" then move on.
- He'll be in our prayers. - Thank you.
- (sighs) I'm sorry for your loss. - Thank you.
Move on.
- Sorry for your loss. - Thank you.
It's not like you've lost a pen, is it?
It's... it's so much worse.
- Would you like a pen? I have a spare one. - No, thank you.
- Please take it. - Why are you giving it to me?
I don't know.
Swings and roundabouts.
(organ plays)
Death!
Death is coming.
Death is here.
(whispers) Death is outside. There is no escape.
- I don't like the way Derek's looking at us. - (priest) Death will catch you.
"Hi."
"Who's that knocking at the door?"
- Yes, it's Death. Let him in. - (whispers) Is this normal?
Death came for Denholm just as he will come for you.
Who will be next?
You? (laughs)
Maybe you.
- We are gathered here today... - What's wrong with you?
...to mourn the passing of a great man. - Nothing.
(clock ticks)
I've never seen a grandfather clock in a church before.
Yes, or one with a second hand.
(priest) Yes, he had more money than most of us here today...
(echoing)... but did that make him a better man?
We know Denholm was a man of money.
Yes, he had more money than any of us here.
(sigh of relief)
Argh! Oh! Argh!
(screams)
Oh, no, Jesus! Argh! Argh!
Jesus Christ! Someone call me an ambulance!
I'm not (bleep) joking! I need an ambulance!
I'm not (bleep) joking!
Call me a (bleep) ambulance!
I'm not... Oh.
Oh, no, wait.
- It's my phone. - (vibrates)
I shouldn't take it... I'll just...
They'll leave a...
I'll turn it off. I'll just put it on...
Oh, thank (bleep)
Go on.
- Oh, it's gone to message. Um... - (beep)
Hello, Roy. Nothing important, just wondering how the funeral went. Call me back.
If we are all quite ready,
Denholm instructed that this short film be played before the service.
(whispers) You're all out of here. You are out of here. You're history!
Hello. If you're watching this it means I'm dead now,
and it's all thanks to these little things.
- Ha! Wrong! - Shut up!
Cigarettes have finally killed me, like they killed my father, my father's father,
my mother's father, my mother and her father.
I just can't seem to give the damn things up. I love them.
Sweet, smoky cigarettes.
Ah!
You delicious bastard.
(gasps)
Final thought, Stephanie,
could you categorise the personnel files alphabetically from now on?
That rhyming thing just isn't working.
Also, call "Who's Who" and get them to update my entry.
Well, thanks, everyone, for coming.
Enjoy the rest of the funeral.
Well said, sir.
I will now ask Mr Pippen to read the eulogy.
I see a lot of faces out there.
Some of you I know, some of you I hope to get to know better over the coming months,
some of you I probably won't be seeing very much of after today.
The reading of the eulogy is a duty normally left to the eldest child,
but, as you all know, Denholm's son Douglas mysteriously disappeared
after a lengthy court case seven years ago.
Let me start by reading this poem that I saw in the film Four Weddings and a Funeral.
"Stop all the clocks..."
Father!
(grunts)
Argh!
Tits!
Unhand me, priest. I'll go all day. Where is your God?
Where is your God now?
Here lies a great man.
A great man!
Father!
(anguished sobs)
- (whispers) I miss anything? - Just the start of Derek's eulogy.
You stink.
I just smoked a cigarette from the drain.
(moans)
Well, who's this?
- Hi, I'm Douglas. - Jen Barber.
That's a beautiful second name. What are you doing after the funeral, Jen?
- Douglas. - Speak, priest.
No, I'm a bit... Your father prepared a second tape in the event of your sudden arrival.
A second tape? I see.
- Actually, I don't follow. - I'll just put it on.
Hello again.
If you're watching this, it's because my son from my first marriage has arrived,
caused a scene and is currently chatting up some nearby trollop.
- Hey! - Quiet, woman!
Douglas, I have something important to tell you.
I'm here, Papa.
Reynholm Industries is now yours.
- (all gasp) - My Lord. Thank you, Father.
But it's yours at a price.
I want you to promise me now, in front of all your new employees,
that you will never again become embroiled
in a sexual harassment case that damages the company.
I promise, Father.
There's one more thing, Douglas, but it's for your ears only,
so I want you to stop the tape, take it home and watch it again later in private.
But these are my new family, Father. I hold no secrets from them.
OK, Douglas, now we're alone I can speak frankly.
You may well receive a visit from the police at some point
concerning irregularities in the pension fund.
Turn that off.
I've been using a very creative accountant, recently released from jail,
- to manage what I call a suck fund. - Let me do it. Where's the remote?
- Now, the suck fund... - I'll do it myself!
Goodbye, Father. (sobs)
Right, I'm off. I'll see you all on Monday.
Douglas, Douglas. Sorry... didn't mean to, um...
Derek Pippen. I worked very closely with your father.
Oh, Derek, good to meet you.
I'm afraid I'll be bringing in my own people, so you're immediately fired.
OK, good luck, everyone, and, uh... I'll see you later.
And you are ready to go.
Brilliant. Thank you, computer man.
I'm told my father was particularly proud of the IT department,
run by a dynamic go-getter, a genius and a man from Ireland.
Yes, one last thing. How do I erase files like this one here marked "pensions"?
Um... just like this.
All gone. Wonderful. Thanks, guys.
I'll be working very closely with your department,
and I have a feeling I'll be needing you for a lot more than just deleting incriminating files.
(laughs)
I just mean files.
OK, we'd better be off.
By the way, where's that hootsie-tootsie, humdinging, coochie mama boss of yours?
Um... she went home early.
She said she had some catching up to do.
(# "EastEnders" theme tune)
Oh, one last thing.
I sorted out this for you.
Now, I'm afraid the vibrate setting is still a little weedy,
so you may wanna put her all the way up to ten.
Ten?
Shall do.
Done, and done.
OK, bye-bye.
Sorry about this, old man.
Oh, yes.
(giggle silently)
Shh!
- (phone vibrates, coins jangle) - Ooh.
- (vibration) - Ooh. Now, I like that.
- (vibration) - Ooh.
- (vibration) - Ooh. Mm.
Mm. Ohh.
(Douglas, breathlessly) Nearly at the station!