1 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:34,913 (applause) 2 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:39,830 Which means... which means a profit so far this year 3 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:44,078 - of 18OO billion billion. - Splendid! 4 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,795 And this doesn't even include the added revenue arising from your takeover of ITV. 5 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,912 ITV! I'd forgotten about ITV. Brilliant! 6 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:54,476 Gentlemen, when I first started Reynholm Industries, 7 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,909 I had just two things in my possession - 8 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,429 a dream and 6 million pounds. 9 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:03,753 Today I have a business empire the like of which... 10 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:06,633 the world has never seen the like of which. 11 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:12,630 I hope it doesn't sound arrogant when I say that I am the greatest man in the world. 12 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,079 Hear, hear. 13 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,950 Gentlemen, to the future. 14 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,469 Oh, you don't have any glasses. Just pretend. 15 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:23,273 - The future. - The future. 16 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:27,188 Um... Sorry to interrupt, but there are some policemen here. 17 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:31,552 They say they need to speak to you about irregularities in the pension fund. 18 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:36,151 I see. Could you make them a cup of tea, please, Stephanie? 19 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,315 - (Moss) Nice. - Isn't she a beauty? 20 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:58,829 It's certainly a phone. 21 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:04,514 - 16O PPI screen, Wi-Fi enabled... - Ask me what kind of phone I've got. 22 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:08,474 - What kind of phone have you got? - It doesn't matter. 23 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:10,079 Voice recognition. 24 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:13,590 So let's say I wanted to call my mum, all I'd have to do is say "Mum" and it calls her. 25 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:14,755 I don't need to do anything. 26 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,314 - It's the dog's bollocks. Oh, no... - (woman) Hello? Hello? 27 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:20,034 Mum, Mum. No... no. I'm sorry. 28 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,230 No, Moss said that. 29 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,351 Yeah. OK. I'll call you later. Bye. 30 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,995 Only problem with it is that it's got a very weedy vibrate setting. 31 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:30,554 I mean, it... Watch this. OK. 32 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:32,318 (laughs) 33 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:34,351 (weak buzzing) 34 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:37,040 - I mean, what is that? - I'll sort it out. 35 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,958 Oh, could you? Just, you know, welly up the vibrate on it a bit. 36 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,435 OK, all right. Now, will you answer this question? 37 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:43,834 Oh. (sighs) Are we still on this? 38 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,349 Well, you keep interrupting me. We would have been done ages ago... 39 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,471 All right, all right, OK. Go on. 40 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,558 Question 39, when was the last time you exercised? 41 00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:56,435 Ah. The last time I exercised was... never. 42 00:02:56,560 --> 00:03:00,109 I'm still reeling from your answer to question 12. 43 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:04,153 - What was question 12? - You brush your teeth in the bath. 44 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,750 - So? - That's where your... balls are. 45 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:13,039 OK, question 4O, do you get your five fruit and veg? 46 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:16,835 Oh... (sighs) I mean, I certainly try to. I would say I probably do. 47 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,997 - A day. - A what? 48 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:22,759 OK, you are going to love this. 49 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:26,793 This website takes all that information you just gave me, and guess what it does. 50 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,150 It actually estimates the date of your death. 51 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:32,158 - What? - I know. Unbelievable, isn't it? 52 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:36,512 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. I know about those. Everyone knows about those. 53 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,996 Oh, right, so you've already done it. So, when's the big day? 54 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:43,590 No! I haven't done it! Why would I want to do it? 55 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:45,836 I go March 2, 2O79. 56 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,872 - Oh, my God. - That's right, baby, I've got 7O more years. 57 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:52,117 OK, Moss, close that window. I do not wanna know. 58 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,231 - But I've written it all in now. - Moss! 59 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:57,557 I do not wanna know the date of my death. Close it. 60 00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:59,272 (phone rings) 61 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:03,109 Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off? You know what, I'm sick of saying that. 62 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,470 What do you want? 63 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:08,717 OK. Yeah, someone'll be up in a minute. Maybe. 64 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,154 You looked! 65 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:27,317 You know! You know when I'm going to die! 66 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:30,716 - I do, yes. - I told you not to look. 67 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:34,594 - I made a mistake. - Oh! (groans) 68 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,715 When is it? 69 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:44,513 - You don't wanna know. - You can't say that to me now! 70 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:48,076 My advice, Roy, is to forget all about this. 71 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,112 Why, how long have they given me? 2O years? 72 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,630 It's less than 2O? 73 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,354 You see, I don't think this is taking into account leap years, 74 00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,756 so that could well be something to hang on to. 75 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:04,915 What does it say, Moss? Does... does it say I'm already dead? 76 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,994 - Oh, no, that'd be terrible. - Thank God. 77 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,031 - It's Thursday. - What? 78 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,311 - It's Thursday. - Thursday? 79 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,908 Again, remember, leap years. 80 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:21,554 It's Thursday! Thursday's the third! 81 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,877 Although not till late afternoon, so that gives you most of the day. 82 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,117 3pm. How can they be that specific? 83 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:31,073 - Yeah. It's silly. - Yeah. 84 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:36,957 - These things are, at best, 79% accurate. - Oh, good. 85 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:40,231 I would take no further notice of it. 86 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:43,033 Yeah. Yeah, no, you're right. It's silly. 87 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:45,549 I will take no further notice of it. 88 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:52,237 Apparently there's something wrong with all the computers on seven. Who wants it? Roy? 89 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,715 Ooh, you look terrible. 90 00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:56,990 Are you ill? 91 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,429 I don't know. 92 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,754 This idiot's disabled the flipping firewall. 93 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,951 Yeah. Hello? Excuse me. 94 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:11,038 Thank you. Um... Some attention, please. 95 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,720 I know you don't think it's important or cool, 96 00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:18,595 but there is a ruddy good reason why we put up antiviral software and firewalls. 97 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:21,837 It's because there are a lot of dangerous things out there. 98 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,518 - Jesus! - (woman screams) 99 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:28,794 Well, you know... All right, calm down. Just don't disable the firewalls. 100 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,388 OK, 73. That's good, that's good. 101 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:35,433 And, um... Mum, what age did Uncle Tony die? 102 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,676 32?! 103 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,792 Oh, it was a car accident! Brilliant! OK. 104 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:45,071 No, I completely forgot. OK. Oh, Mum, I have to go. 105 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,397 Unbelievable. Some brainiac disabled his firewall, 106 00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:51,637 which means that all of the computers on floor seven are teeming with viruses, 107 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:55,275 plus I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs 108 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:58,472 because the lift is broken again. 109 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,556 - Oh, my God. - What? 110 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,148 - Oh, my God. - What? What is it? 111 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:07,599 - Denholm's dead. - Oh, yes, and Denholm's dead. 112 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,508 OK, everyone ready? 113 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:18,599 Wow, you look great. We should go to more funerals. 114 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:22,110 Yeah, except is there any chance that I could, um... not go to this one? 115 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:23,719 No. Why? 116 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:28,595 It's just, you know... funerals. They're so morbid. 117 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:32,872 Oh, will you please forget this website nonsense? You are not going to die. 118 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,117 Come on, cheer up. You're gonna ruin the funeral. 119 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:40,839 No, you're right, I... I... Pay no attention to me. I'm being an idiot. 120 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,520 Dead man walking. 121 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,672 Very funny. 122 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,155 You crazy little bastard. 123 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,156 So, when did you last exercise, Jen? 124 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:55,999 - Ooh, no, you are not gonna do it to me. - Scared? 125 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:59,351 No. I happen to think I have a good few years left. 126 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,153 I take plenty of exercise and I haven't smoked for three years. 127 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:06,068 - I didn't know you smoked. - Oh, yeah. I was on 4O a day by the end. 128 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:10,512 4O a day? That's 146,OO2 a decade, presuming there's two leap years. 129 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:14,918 - How the flip did you give up? - Basically pure self-control, Moss. 130 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,999 No, no, I'd never smoke again. I'd rather lick a tramp. 131 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,918 Derek, hello. 132 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:25,749 Hello, Jen. Thank you for printing up those funeral announcements. 133 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,633 Oh, no, no, I enjoyed doing it. 134 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:34,397 You know, in a... in a... in a... in a... in a sad way. 135 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:37,478 - Can I have a word, please? - Sure. 136 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,716 (Roy sighs) 137 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:41,068 - Hey. - Oh, hey. 138 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,589 Oh, my phone. Oh, cool. Have you, um... souped it up? 139 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:48,077 Yeah, I've totally pimped your phone, girlfriend. 140 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,320 (roaring vibration) 141 00:08:56,760 --> 00:09:01,311 - Is that the highest setting? - That... is the lowest setting. 142 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,193 It should come as no surprise to you that I don't like this department. 143 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,915 Never have, never will. I see no need for an IT department 144 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:14,717 and I would much rather use this basement for something important, like a big toilet. 145 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:18,469 Ooh, I have to say that actually is a bit of a surprise. 146 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:19,953 Really? I did send out a memo. 147 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:23,117 I didn't get it. I... I had no idea you felt like this. 148 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:27,597 Well, I do. However, I am prepared to give you another chance. 149 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,598 Another chance? But I didn't know we'd already had a chance. 150 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:35,840 This should be the first chance. You should give us this chance and then another chance. 151 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:38,679 (Roy and Moss laugh hysterically) 152 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,909 (phone vibrates loudly) 153 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:48,000 OK, OK. Now give me a go, give me a go. 154 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,315 - I'm gonna put it up to five. - OK. 155 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,590 Oh, I'm gonna put it in my pocket! 156 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:57,275 (shrieks) 157 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:00,878 Put it up to eight, put it up to eight. 158 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,595 I'm not putting it up to eight, Moss. It'll blow my cock off. 159 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,114 - Go on, go on. Put it up. - OK, OK, I'll put it up. 160 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:14,791 You do know we are burying a great man today? 161 00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:19,438 Did someone else die? 162 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,755 I mean Mr Reynholm! 163 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,118 Yeah. 164 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,638 - "Did someone else die?" - Well, I didn't know. 165 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:30,433 You have to be careful. He's our new boss. 166 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:33,870 Oh, he hates us. He keeps saying that there doesn't even need to be an IT department. 167 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,956 Why did no one tell me this? 168 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:39,436 There was a memo. It just said, "I hate the IT department." 169 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:46,755 Oh, no, no, no. No, you are not coming to the funeral, Richmond. 170 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,236 What funeral? 171 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,676 (church bells) 172 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:00,998 Oh. 173 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:04,471 Has anyone got the right time? 174 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,512 - It's twenty to three. - I make it a quarter to. 175 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:11,553 Why? Oh, yes, because that website said you were going to die at three, didn't it? 176 00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:14,831 - Did it? I... I can't remember. - But how could you forget? 177 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:19,431 It clearly stated that you were going to die, today, at precisely three. 178 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:23,553 Unless it was tomorrow. But, no, it's today at three. 179 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,114 Will you put it out of your mind? 180 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:29,198 Right. You're right. Out of my mind. 181 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,513 OK, there's Denholm's wife. 182 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,511 I never know what to say to people at funerals. 183 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,039 No, neither do I. I'm terrible. 184 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:57,153 Oh, just say, "I'm sorry for your loss" then move on. 185 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,676 - He'll be in our prayers. - Thank you. 186 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,754 - (sighs) I'm sorry for your loss. - Thank you. 187 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:07,474 Move on. 188 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,830 - Sorry for your loss. - Thank you. 189 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,029 It's not like you've lost a pen, is it? 190 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:17,958 It's... it's so much worse. 191 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:23,074 - Would you like a pen? I have a spare one. - No, thank you. 192 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:26,590 - Please take it. - Why are you giving it to me? 193 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:29,515 I don't know. 194 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,959 Swings and roundabouts. 195 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:39,400 (organ plays) 196 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,675 (organ plays) 197 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:45,308 Death! 198 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,235 Death is coming. 199 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,590 Death is here. 200 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:54,395 (whispers) Death is outside. There is no escape. 201 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:59,036 - I don't like the way Derek's looking at us. - (priest) Death will catch you. 202 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,116 "Hi." 203 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,959 "Who's that knocking at the door?" 204 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:08,995 - Yes, it's Death. Let him in. - (whispers) Is this normal? 205 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:13,671 Death came for Denholm just as he will come for you. 206 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,030 Who will be next? 207 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:17,957 You? (laughs) 208 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,310 Maybe you. 209 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:24,636 - We are gathered here today... - What's wrong with you? 210 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,479 ...to mourn the passing of a great man. - Nothing. 211 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,433 (clock ticks) 212 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:37,516 I've never seen a grandfather clock in a church before. 213 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,471 Yes, or one with a second hand. 214 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:43,479 (priest) Yes, he had more money than most of us here today... 215 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:46,558 (echoing)... but did that make him a better man? 216 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:52,914 We know Denholm was a man of money. 217 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:57,556 Yes, he had more money than any of us here. 218 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:00,869 (sigh of relief) 219 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,958 Argh! Oh! Argh! 220 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,752 (screams) 221 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:09,839 Oh, no, Jesus! Argh! Argh! 222 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:16,236 Jesus Christ! Someone call me an ambulance! 223 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:20,194 I'm not (bleep) joking! I need an ambulance! 224 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,197 I'm not (bleep) joking! 225 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,356 Call me a (bleep) ambulance! 226 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:26,710 I'm not... Oh. 227 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,076 Oh, no, wait. 228 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:33,678 - It's my phone. - (vibrates) 229 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,274 I shouldn't take it... I'll just... 230 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:41,671 They'll leave a... 231 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,951 I'll turn it off. I'll just put it on... 232 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:47,196 Oh, thank (bleep) 233 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,029 Go on. 234 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,390 - Oh, it's gone to message. Um... - (beep) 235 00:14:55,520 --> 00:15:00,719 Hello, Roy. Nothing important, just wondering how the funeral went. Call me back. 236 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,150 If we are all quite ready, 237 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:09,478 Denholm instructed that this short film be played before the service. 238 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:17,750 (whispers) You're all out of here. You are out of here. You're history! 239 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:25,149 Hello. If you're watching this it means I'm dead now, 240 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,157 and it's all thanks to these little things. 241 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:30,192 - Ha! Wrong! - Shut up! 242 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:37,118 Cigarettes have finally killed me, like they killed my father, my father's father, 243 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:41,074 my mother's father, my mother and her father. 244 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:45,112 I just can't seem to give the damn things up. I love them. 245 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:48,228 Sweet, smoky cigarettes. 246 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,311 Ah! 247 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,230 You delicious bastard. 248 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,834 (gasps) 249 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:13,914 Final thought, Stephanie, 250 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:17,555 could you categorise the personnel files alphabetically from now on? 251 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,477 That rhyming thing just isn't working. 252 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,433 Also, call "Who's Who" and get them to update my entry. 253 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,471 Well, thanks, everyone, for coming. 254 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:27,034 Enjoy the rest of the funeral. 255 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,914 Well said, sir. 256 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:39,508 I will now ask Mr Pippen to read the eulogy. 257 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:48,634 I see a lot of faces out there. 258 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:54,153 Some of you I know, some of you I hope to get to know better over the coming months, 259 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:58,478 some of you I probably won't be seeing very much of after today. 260 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:04,038 The reading of the eulogy is a duty normally left to the eldest child, 261 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:07,994 but, as you all know, Denholm's son Douglas mysteriously disappeared 262 00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:11,430 after a lengthy court case seven years ago. 263 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:19,072 Let me start by reading this poem that I saw in the film Four Weddings and a Funeral. 264 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:23,837 "Stop all the clocks..." 265 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:33,950 Father! 266 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,349 (grunts) 267 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,954 Argh! 268 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,799 Tits! 269 00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:01,235 Unhand me, priest. I'll go all day. Where is your God? 270 00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:03,316 Where is your God now? 271 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,193 Here lies a great man. 272 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,231 A great man! 273 00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:10,874 Father! 274 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:15,273 (anguished sobs) 275 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:19,518 - (whispers) I miss anything? - Just the start of Derek's eulogy. 276 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,477 You stink. 277 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,239 I just smoked a cigarette from the drain. 278 00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:26,349 (moans) 279 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,675 Well, who's this? 280 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,075 - Hi, I'm Douglas. - Jen Barber. 281 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,432 That's a beautiful second name. What are you doing after the funeral, Jen? 282 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:38,070 - Douglas. - Speak, priest. 283 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:42,113 No, I'm a bit... Your father prepared a second tape in the event of your sudden arrival. 284 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:45,915 A second tape? I see. 285 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:49,237 - Actually, I don't follow. - I'll just put it on. 286 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,273 Hello again. 287 00:18:56,400 --> 00:19:00,951 If you're watching this, it's because my son from my first marriage has arrived, 288 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:04,311 caused a scene and is currently chatting up some nearby trollop. 289 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:05,998 - Hey! - Quiet, woman! 290 00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:08,475 Douglas, I have something important to tell you. 291 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,079 I'm here, Papa. 292 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:12,839 Reynholm Industries is now yours. 293 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,155 - (all gasp) - My Lord. Thank you, Father. 294 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,350 But it's yours at a price. 295 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:20,677 I want you to promise me now, in front of all your new employees, 296 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,075 that you will never again become embroiled 297 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:26,272 in a sexual harassment case that damages the company. 298 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,709 I promise, Father. 299 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,398 There's one more thing, Douglas, but it's for your ears only, 300 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:37,433 so I want you to stop the tape, take it home and watch it again later in private. 301 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:41,599 But these are my new family, Father. I hold no secrets from them. 302 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,359 OK, Douglas, now we're alone I can speak frankly. 303 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,755 You may well receive a visit from the police at some point 304 00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:49,348 concerning irregularities in the pension fund. 305 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:50,879 Turn that off. 306 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:55,073 I've been using a very creative accountant, recently released from jail, 307 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:58,272 - to manage what I call a suck fund. - Let me do it. Where's the remote? 308 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:03,269 - Now, the suck fund... - I'll do it myself! 309 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,755 Goodbye, Father. (sobs) 310 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:10,638 Right, I'm off. I'll see you all on Monday. 311 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,320 Douglas, Douglas. Sorry... didn't mean to, um... 312 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,591 Derek Pippen. I worked very closely with your father. 313 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:18,438 Oh, Derek, good to meet you. 314 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:22,473 I'm afraid I'll be bringing in my own people, so you're immediately fired. 315 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:27,276 OK, good luck, everyone, and, uh... I'll see you later. 316 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,875 And you are ready to go. 317 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:37,072 Brilliant. Thank you, computer man. 318 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:41,834 I'm told my father was particularly proud of the IT department, 319 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:46,272 run by a dynamic go-getter, a genius and a man from Ireland. 320 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:52,356 Yes, one last thing. How do I erase files like this one here marked "pensions"? 321 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:54,757 Um... just like this. 322 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,474 All gone. Wonderful. Thanks, guys. 323 00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:00,910 I'll be working very closely with your department, 324 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:06,797 and I have a feeling I'll be needing you for a lot more than just deleting incriminating files. 325 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:08,114 (laughs) 326 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,310 I just mean files. 327 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:14,117 OK, we'd better be off. 328 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:19,758 By the way, where's that hootsie-tootsie, humdinging, coochie mama boss of yours? 329 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,553 Um... she went home early. 330 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,989 She said she had some catching up to do. 331 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:28,271 (# "EastEnders" theme tune) 332 00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:33,151 Oh, one last thing. 333 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,157 I sorted out this for you. 334 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:38,750 Now, I'm afraid the vibrate setting is still a little weedy, 335 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,633 so you may wanna put her all the way up to ten. 336 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,152 Ten? 337 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,191 Shall do. 338 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:49,710 Done, and done. 339 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,476 OK, bye-bye. 340 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:59,633 Sorry about this, old man. 341 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:08,549 Oh, yes. 342 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,033 (giggle silently) 343 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:11,513 Shh! 344 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:14,837 - (phone vibrates, coins jangle) - Ooh. 345 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:18,669 - (vibration) - Ooh. Now, I like that. 346 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,950 - (vibration) - Ooh. 347 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,594 - (vibration) - Ooh. Mm. 348 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,393 Mm. Ohh. 349 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,431 (Douglas, breathlessly) Nearly at the station!