Hey!
I just won 45O quid playing poker.
- Well done. - Saw that one coming, Mikey 73.
That's my rent sorted this month. Ooh, and I can buy that new...
Oh, no, I've lost it all again.
- (clears throat) Jen? - Oh, Philip. Hello. Hi.
This is Philip from six. This is Moss and Roy.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hiya.
So, what brings you to my lair?
Not that I'm some sort of animal.
Or... or maybe I am.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Oh, um, I was just, uh, wondering if, uh, you, um, had the latest Heat.
Ha. Yes, yes, there it is.
Thanks. And... Sorry about this, I don't suppose maybe...
you'd like to come to the theatre tomorrow night? Maybe? Or?
I'd be delighted.
- He means me, Moss. - He was looking at me.
- No, he wasn't. - I think he was.
- You're not even in his eye line. - Philip, who are you talking to? Me or Jen?
- Do you like the theatre? - Never been.
But I've, uh... I've always liked the idea of the theatre -
the smell of the grease, the roar of the paint.
I've often thought if I hadn't ended up in computers,
I would have gone into the theatre.
- But you've never been to see a play? - No.
Why not?
Never had the interest.
- Are there any famous people in it? - No.
It's a pass from me, then, thank you.
- You haven't been invited anyway. - Oh, wait. Uh, Laura Knightly's in it.
Laura Knightly from The Bill?
She's gorgeous. You know what?
I will come, Philip, thank you.
There's no invitation. Show me the invitation.
I guess you could come too. I know people in the show, so tickets aren't a problem.
- Great. That's settled, then. - Right.
Well, I'll give you a call later, then, give you the details. How's that?
That is perfection itself, Philip. Thanks for coming down, man.
Catch you later.
That could have been a date there.
Now it's a...
work outing.
- Sorry, I nearly forgot the Heat. - Oh, yes.
It's, uh... That's... Um...
(Jen sighs)
Ahh.
What?
He actually did want to borrow the copy of Heat.
- So? - Well, it's just... you know.
- Huh. No, I don't. What? - I'm just surprised.
Why?
It's just I don't know many heterosexual men who read Heat.
Huh. What, he's gay just because he reads Heat magazine?
Um, well, he's either gay or a woman in her early twenties.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Why else would he ask me out on a date?
Are you sure he meant it as a "date" date?
Are you sure you're not going along as his gal pal?
If you're talking about who I think you're talking about, the answer is yes, he is gay.
- How do you know? - Oh, everyone knows.
And what's more, he's been gay since Wham!
We're talking about Philip.
- He borrowed Heat. - He borrowed Heat? Ooh, la la.
And he "knows people in the theatre".
That's not a euphemism. He actually does know people in the theatre.
Anyway, it's a date, I'm sure it is. Why else would he ask me out?
Well, don't take this the wrong way, but could he have thought you were a man?
- Let's get a taxi. - It's a ten-minute walk.
No, I don't like walkin'.
Why don't you just not come? You wouldn't have to walk anywhere.
I won't spoil your romantic evening with the gay man.
- He's not a gay man. - He reads Heat.
- Hey, where are you lot off to? - Oh, look. Richmond's still alive.
- We're going to the theatre. Want to come? - Oh, no. No, thank you.
- And you shouldn't go either. - Why not?
An ill wind is blowing.
Last night I was stirred from my slumber by a crow calling three times.
Caw.
Well, you know what a crow sounds like. Passing to my window,
I trod on a piece of Lego. Oh, it went right in the heel.
Turning on my television set, I noticed the reception wasn't great.
Not terrible, just not great.
Hear me well - no good can come of your trip to the theatre tonight. No good at all.
And if you ask me...
That's just bloody rude.
Where's my Heat?
A gay musical called Gay!.
That's quite gay.
Gay musical? Aren't all musicals gay?
This must be, like, the gayest musical ever made.
It's got some pretty good reviews.
"The story of a young man trying to find his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years."
"Warning - includes scenes of graphic homoeroticism."
Ugh! No!
It's set in the '8Os.
"Graphic homoeroticism." Does that mean they're gonna get them out?
- Not comfortable with your sexuality? - I'm very comfortable with mine.
I just don't want to be slapped in the face with their sexuality.
Oh, look, there's Philip.
Oh, look, he's leching at that lady.
Thank God for that. He's just an ordinary ignorant man.
- Oh, hey. You're already here. - Yes.
What are we doing, Roy? This isn't us. It takes place in the past.
Forget the play. Philip knows the cast.
It's all about the backstage party afterwards. Those things are great.
You go up to everyone, tell them they were brilliant, and it's free white wine all night.
And besides, I really wanna meet Laura Knightly.
Hey, the guys. Wow!
Looks great, doesn't it?
Right, we should really pick up our tickets.
I know someone who gets the tickle.
- Sorry, I love doing that to him. - (Philip) Hey!
This is Jerome. He does publicity for the show. He got us our tickets.
- Oh, great. Thanks. - This is Jen, and Moss, and Roy.
- Hello, hello. - Hello. How's it going?
Oh, my God, you're Irish. I love Irish people.
They're just mad, aren't they? They're just mad.
- We're all insane, yeah. - Well, you'll luv dis.
It's groit crack.
- I'm mad for crack. - (bell rings)
OK, well, quick, everyone. Show's about to start.
I hope Laura Knightly isn't gonna be dressed up like Toyah or something.
Who is she in The Bill again?
She plays that heroin addict that gets stabbed in the face.
- Oh, she is lovely. - Isn't she lovely?
- Oh, God, here we go. - It might be all right.
Yeah. How bad can it be?
(grand musical introduction)
Welcome to the United...
Queendom!
(dance music)
Brilliant.
"The United Queendom"? He can't say that. Can he?
# Today's the day the homophobes
- # Get their arses kicked - Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah, kick their arses!
# I'm a friend of Dorothy, I'm a friend of Dorothy
# She is my friend
This is insanely brilliant.
# Hold my hand
# No
# That's not my hand
# Willies, willies, I love willies
# I love willies
OK, I'm completely satisfied.
Don't leave. It's rude.
It's too gay for me. Thought I could handle it, but I can't.
- It'll be the interval soon. - Well, I'm captivated, Roy.
- Calm down. At least it can't get any worse. - (applause)
All right, get them house lights up. Let's have a look at you.
You wearing that shirt for a bet?
Audience participation. Go, go, go.
Ooh, what have we here?
Hello.
So, tell me, who wears the trousers in this relationship?
What? Oh, right. No, we're not homosexuals, we're just very good friends.
- So you never had a look? - At what?
His bum!
I've seen it, um, when he squatted in front of my desk,
or should he bend over to pick something up.
I'd love to work in that office.
Oh, there's nothing sexual going on.
I do like Roy, but I'm not "curious".
What were you engaging him for?
He was asking me questions. I couldn't just ignore him. It'd be rude, Roy.
- So what do you think of it? - I think it's fabulous.
Every value I've ever held is being questioned, and I'm loving it.
- You don't like it, do you? - The songs are good.
No, they're not. Hum one of the songs.
# Willies, willies, I like willies
- It's "I love willies". - What?
- I love willies. - Sir, could you keep it down?
- I'm not going back in there. - Oh, yes, you are.
Oh, no. I'll wait out here for you, but there is no way I'm going anywhere near that thing.
Oh, you can't leave me alone. I don't know what the hell's going on.
He's laughing like an idiot at every single gay reference.
- Why didn't he come out for a drink? - He doesn't want to miss anything.
I need to wee-wee.
Yeah, me too.
- Oh, what's wrong? - They've got a toilet guy.
Ohh! I hate toilet guys.
Oh, let's just get it over with.
Thank you.
Cheers, dude.
- Did you go? - No. Did you?
No. How could I with that bloke stood looking at us? What was that?
- It's not my fault he works in a toilet. - How much did you give him?
A pound. I just paid a pound not to go to the toilet.
He's a terrible toilet guy.
He should work somewhere where people don't want to go to the toilet.
- I'm gonna use the disabled. - You can't use the disabled.
- What? Why not? - You're not disabled. You'll get in trouble.
It's not like a parking space, Moss.
I think... I think it's OK. Isn't it? It's OK, I'm always using the disabled.
It's illegal.
I don't think so.
Oh!
Ah...
- (banging) - (man) Hello? Hello? You all right in there?
Um...
(man) Do you need help?
- (high-pitched) I'm disabled. - (woman) He sounds disoriented.
- (man) Move back from the door. - What? No.
- (banging) - Oh!
- What are you doing? - (woman) Don't panic.
(banging)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's happening?
- Someone's had an accident. - What?
Well, you'd better keep going, then.
(whimpers)
- Oh, my God. What happened? - I fell off the toilet.
Well, come on, let's get... let's get you upright.
Thank you.
So, uh, what happened?
- I'm disabled. - How?
- How what? - How are you disabled?
- Uh, leg disabled. - Uh, wh-which?
Do you have a wheelchair?
- Yes. - Where?
Stolen.
How did they get in?
- I don't know. - All right, all right, all right.
Let's get you out of here. Come on. Give me a hand.
There you go. There you go. There you go, mate.
All right. You're all right. You're all right. There you go.
(manager) All right. That's it. There you go. Easy, now.
- (man) That way. - (manager) Right. Nice and steady.
Easy. Gently, gently.
All right, bring him. Careful, careful. That's it, that's it.
Excuse me, you know this is the staff toilet?
Yes. I'm staff.
I really am feeling much better.
You can all go now.
We're not going anywhere until we've got you sorted out.
- Ah, here's Paul with the wheelchair. - Oh, right. What?
I keep one in the office for emergencies. Let's get you up.
Nice and gently now. That's it, that's it. There we are.
- OK? There we are. - (Roy whimpers)
- Oh, the police. - Everything all right here?
I'm disabled.
- So, someone stole your... - My wheelchair.
I... I'm disabled.
- Some lazy bastard just waltzed in there. - Can you describe him?
- It was all over so quickly. - Well, just tell us what you can.
Caucasian male.
Um... bearded.
Red hair.
Glasses.
Possibly a disguise. I...
All right, thank you. Do you need any help getting home?
No, I'm fine. I'm with people.
Here they are now.
Hey, fellas.
- I'll take it from here. - Nonsense. It's the least I can do.
OK.
- You slacking off in there? - Um...
Go and get changed.
Excuse me, sir. Can I have a word with you, please?
Amazing. So powerful. Thanks.
The... (grunts) The grit of it. (imitates five gunshots)
- Five stars. - (laughs weakly)
- So what did you think? - Of the musical?
Did you not just love it?
- Well, no. Sorry. - Why not?
I don't know. It's just, maybe you have to be...
gay.
- I loved it. - I guess it's more of a... gay thing.
You know, you have to be gay.
A gay man.
- A homosexual. - All I know is I loved every last second of it,
and I'm not...
usually a fan of musicals. Hey, do you wanna meet the cast?
- Come on. - The thing is, I have to meet Moss and Roy.
Hey, listen. I told the cast about what happened,
and they told me to get you all to come back and meet them.
- Yeah! - (clapping)
Come on, everybody, off the van.
Hey, James!
Oh, wow, Edgar.
Hi.
Oh, brilliant.
Jeremy!
How do you know all these... young, good-looking men?
Oh, you know, just from around.
Hey, Jerome. Come here, you.
- Great show. - Hello, darling.
Can't talk at the mo. Got a disabled group coming in for a chat. Here they are now.
He's had quite an evening. Someone stole his wheelchair.
Really?
Did you see who it was?
- Red-bearded man. - Uh-huh.
How long have you been disabled?
- Ten years. - Ten years.
And how did it happen, if that's not a rude question?
Acid.
What are the chances of that happening?
Ooh, a hundred to one.
- You look like you could do with a drink. - Whisky, please. Double.
- Excuse me. - Yes, Miss?
OK.
Can I have a double whisky, please?
- Double whisky. - And a glass of white wine.
- Glass of white wine. - Thank you.
You're very welcome, madam.
- Hello. - (high-pitched) Hello, Laura Knightly.
- How are you? - I'm disabled.
It must be so difficult being gay and disabled.
It's very difficult.
Yeah.
Oh, come here, my little soldier.
- Oh, what's the matter? - I don't know.
- You're from telly. - I am.
And do you know, a little birdie told me that you couldn't make the show tonight.
So I've got you two tickets for tomorrow.
Brilliant.
- You're doing so well. - Yeah.
- High-five. - High-five.
Laura, couple of photos?
- Is he from the newspaper? - Yes, he's from the Standard.
Oh, good.
What? What's?
I... I get it. Very funny.
You Irish!
Oh, I'm a bit tired. Can I have a wheelchair too? Ha-ha! Hilarious!
(fake Irish accent) Oh, me ligs don't work.
Help, help! I need a wheelchair. Come on, get up.
Come on, stop mucking around. I want a go.
Oh!
And then it goes like that...
Well, uh, I guess this is good night.
Yeah.
Oh, for God's sake! Are you gay? Are you a gay man?
- No! - Are you?
- No! - No, brilliant, good.
Cos that's all I wanted to know. I don't mind one way or another.
It's just, I like being clear. I don't want any... ambiguity.
What on earth made you think I was gay?
Well... Well, you know, I didn't just pull it out of the air.
You know, you've just brought me to a gay musical called Gay!.
You've been laughing like mad at every gay reference.
Your friends... all of who are gay, say hello by tickling you.
Jen! What century are you living in?
Do you think that a man has to be gay to like a gay musical?
Can a straight man not have homosexual friends?
And since when was tickling gay? I missed that meeting.
Jen. Jen, come here.
I'm sorry. You just threw me when you borrowed that copy of Heat.
Oh, God, it's true, it's true. I'm gay! I'm a gay man.
I tried to run from it, to deny it, but I can't, I can't, I can't!
Oh, Jen, what am I gonna do?
I thought I could make it work between us because you looked a bit like a man.
(sobbing) Oh, God!
Taxi!
Hello there.
I didn't see you on the way out.
All right, lads, let's get a singsong going.
It's a long way back to Manchester.
(men) # Willies, willies, I love willies
# Willies, willies, I love willies
- Good night, Steve. - Good night, Moss.
- Good night, Milly. You be good. - Not if I can help it.
(sighs happily)
The theatre!