(GATE CREAKING)
(SCREECHING)
(DOG HOWLING)
(SCREECHING)
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
(CACKLING)
(CRYPTKEEPER SPEAKING)
Hello, how're you?
I'm Fearest Gump.
Hi, care for a shockolate?
You sure?
Mummy always said life is like a box of shockolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
Sometimes you get a fudge scream.
Sometimes you get new guts.
Know what else Mummy said?
She said, "Scary is as scary does."
Which brings to mind the man in tonight's terror tale.
He's just dying to get out of the mess he's in.
Literally.
(CACKLING)
It's a little piece of horrid candy I call
"You, Murderer."
LOU: They say when you die, that you're supposed to see this intense white light.
You're supposed to walk into it like it was the gates ofheaven or something.
At least, that's the way I always heard it.
Well, I'm dead and so far I've seen a lot of things
but some cockamamie white light ain't one of them.
That's right, I'm dead.
And one thing I can definitely tell you about it.
It ain't like I expected it to be.
Stick around, you might learn a thing or two.
Just a couple of hours ago I was alive as the rest of you
and then, seemed like destiny had taken a hand.
-Seems that destiny has taken a hand. -What was that, Mr. Spinelli?
It's destiny that today of all days,
you, doll, have come up with a campaign that's gonna save this company.
What was that slogan again?
Here's looking at you, kid.
I like it, Erika. It's got a familiar ring to it.
Thanks, Mr. Spinelli. Now, the way the campaign will work is this.
-Let me just make sure everything is... -Thanks, Jimmy.
Okay.
The first billboard will say,
"Here's looking at ewe, kid."
Spelled E-W-E.
-Then... -LOU: That's pretty good, baby.
Here's looking at you, kid.
-You know, kid, goat. -Sure. That's swell, Erika.
Okay, and the third one...
-Hare's looking at you, kid. -That's good, very good. I like it.
(WATCH BEEPlNG)
-Geez, is that the time? -It's 9:30.
Mr. Spinelli, call for you on three.
It was hard to hear, I think they said it was Oscar.
Oscar, huh? That's strange.
Excuse me, everybody. I'll be right with you.
-Oscar? -No, Lou, it's Betty.
Surprised to hear my voice?
I'm supposed to be dead, aren't l? Aren't l, Lou?
-I hear... -Your pal Oscar
sent a couple of goons over here to kill me.
-I hear... -But, I've got bad news for you.
-I hear what you're... -lt didn't work.
-You hear me, Lou? -Listen.
This won't do any good.
You'll never understand me, but I'll try once then give it up.
Don't bother, Lou. I'm calling the police.
You're going to jail. Do you hear me, Lou? To jail.
Lou, are you okay?
-Lou? -Yeah, everything's all right, Erika.
Just a little emergency at home, that's all.
-Mr. Spinelli... -Everything's okay.
-Mr. Spinelli, are you all right? -Everything's fine, Erika.
LOU: In the part of town where I grew up, you did what you had to do to survive,
whether it was legal or not.
I robbed, cheated, even killed.
I did a lot of hard time before I got wise to what a sucker's game it was.
Unfortunately, no one was offering second chances,
so I busted out of the joint,
got a new name and a new face and put my past behind me.
At least, I thought I did.
OSCAR: She knows? LOU: Yeah, she knows.
What makes you so sure?
Somebody sent her those pictures in the mail. She knows all about me.
Who I was, what I've done, the whole rap sheet.
And there's only one other person in the world who knows the words to that song.
Is that a joke? You think that l...
I'm the one that performed plastic surgery on you.
-I'm the guy that changed your face! -Yeah, and made me look like Bogart.
You know how hard that was?
It would have been easier to make you look like Gabby Hayes.
How could you think it was me?
You're still a wanted man.
Every police department in the country wants to get its hands on you.
And I'm your accomplice. If you go down, I go down.
Why would I spill my guts to anyone, let alone your wife?
Keep your pants on, Oscar.
Now, look, I may have been a little too hasty.
Okay, you're the doctor. What do we do?
If she's wise to us, there's only one thing we can do.
-Kill her. -Kill her?
Don't be screwy.
I know a few guys.
Might cost a little money, but they'll take care of it.
You're starting to scare me, Oscar.
And they'll make it look like a break-in, or an accident.
An unfortunate mishap while you were at the office.
You're talking crazy.
Don't go soft on me, Lou.
We did it for each other then, we do it for each other now.
I know that.
Look, I'm not in love with the idea.
I know that, too.
But what's our alternative, Lou? The electric chair?
I wish you hadn't said that.
LOU: That Oscar, he sure had a way with words.
He was almost as good with them as he was with a scalpel.
He always was the smart one, that's why he stayed in school.
Got off the streets and never went to the big house.
The big house.
There was one thing I had promised myself the last time I was inside.
I ain't never going back.
I know what you're thinking.
"What's this mug complaining about?
"He did wrong and he got what he deserved."
But I tried hard to be Joe above a verage citizen.
I built a successful business, paid my taxes without griping.
I even did charity work.
Unfortunately, I made one other mistake
that brought down the whole house of cards.
Betty.
I'd married a monster and no matter what little good I did,
she was determined to punish me for saying, "I do."
I had no idea what was waiting for me when I walked through my front door.
But whatever it was, I was ready for it.
My senses weren't just tingling, they were chiming like church bells.
But where were the cops? Where the hell was Betty?
And then I saw it.
A body lying on the sun room floor.
Betty must ha ve gotten the drop on him.
Oh, no, Oscar.
-Drop the gun, Lou. -Oscar, what the hell is going on?
I said, drop it.
All right, relax. I'm dropping it.
(LOU GROANS)
-Betty. -Hello, Lou.
-Good work, sweetheart. -How long has this been going on?
Almost a year. Not that you've noticed.
But what the hell, it's one of the things that I came to love about you.
That and your predictability.
I told Oscar you were gonna be here in eight minutes.
And you made it in seven and a half.
Pretty good time for a man who's about to kill himself.
-Get up. -Kill myself?
-Go on, get up. -Now, why would I do that?
Over to the couch.
Hey, that's a good-looking rod you've got there, Oscar.
Move it!
And I got a feeling it ain't your finger on the trigger, is it?
LOU: I'd been set up and the plan was a beaut. Hell, it was perfect.
You could sure make a case that I had every reason to kill myself.
They even found an audience for me.
Are you okay, Lou?
Was there anyone in that boardroom
who didn't think my whole world had just come to an end?
Let me tell you, sweetheart, they had me.
I'm disappointed, Oscar. It's one thing when your wife double-crosses you.
You expect that. But your best friend? Now, that hurts.
-And I thought you had class. -What do you mean...
(EXCLAlMlNG)
Relax, honey. Don't let him rile you.
You'll be pleased. Your suicide note is rather eloquent.
-I almost cried when I wrote it. -I'm touched.
You know, you won't get the life insurance if I kill myself.
I know. That's two million we have to do without.
Isn't that right, honey?
There's no point in being greedy.
I'm gonna call the car.
Sit down, Lou.
I said, sit down.
Here.
Have a drink.
(SNlFFS)
Great bug juice.
What is this? Some sort of a Jim Jones cocktail?
Drink up, Lou.
Sometimes, chum, you go soft-headed.
I'd like to see any blonde do that to me. She's got you crazy.
You're wasting your breath, Lou. Come on.
It'll be quick. Heck, you're my best friend. I wouldn't make you suffer.
-I'm glad friendship counts for something. -I'm waiting, Lou.
And then it hit me. Their plan required a massive dose ofpoison in my system.
Not a slug from a.45.
You know, Oscar, I don't think you'll do it.
Oh, no?
No, but go ahead and shoot. You'll be doing me a favor.
Here's looking at you, kid.
(GRUNTS)
Nice move, Lou. You learn that in prison?
No, that's a little trick I picked up in Benny's shooting gallery in Coney lsland.
And if you don't quit stalling, I'll show you some other tricks I learned in Brooklyn.
No!
(LOU GROANS)
LOU: In that first moment, with the whiteness all around me,
I felt kind ofpeaceful.
I wondered, am I dazed,
-paralyzed, or am l... -He's dead.
-He's dead? -He's dead.
Are you sure?
No pulse. No breathing.
His pupils are dilated. He's dead, all right.
LOU: Well, ain't that a kick in the ass.
If he's dead, how come he looks like he can still see us?
-Yeah. It's creepy. -lt was a lot more than creepy.
Let's get him up.
It was screwy.
(OSCAR GRUNTlNG)
Come on, get his feet.
None ofit made any sense, the white light was gone.
My soul, as far as I could tell, hadn't risen from my body.
-Put him down. -What the hell was going on?
So far, death was full of surprises.
-I could still see, still hear. -Damn!
Damn! Damn!
-And I sure as hell could feel. -What is the matter?
Look at him, he's got a dent in his head.
What did he do, beat himself to death?
Let's throw him off the balcony, say he jumped.
He better hit a piece of naked sculpture on the way down.
The guy's got a pair of nipples punched in the top of his head.
The police aren't that stupid.
Why the hell did you hit him with a statue?
Well, I'm sorry. I was trying to help, all right?
So Betty had hit me with the Picasso.
I always said it made quite an impression.
Oh, the whole plan's screwed up.
Our alibi, everything... This is never gonna look like a suicide!
Okay, okay.
What if he didn't commit suicide?
What if he just disappeared? We get rid of the body.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
He was afraid the cops were onto him so he ran, he vanished without a trace.
If anybody asks you, you don't know.
Nobody knows, it's perfect.
Come on. Let's get his feet.
Being dead was beginning to scare me. Where the hell was heaven?
Maybe my soul had already risen and I missed it.
-What are we doing? -We take him down to the garage.
I'll explain it when we get there.
When was Saint Peter gonna meet me at the Pearly Gates?
The hell with him.
I would've settled for my Uncle Rosco waving me in.
ERlKA: Hello? Lou, are you there?
-(WHlSPERS) Who's that? -(WHlSPERS) I don't know.
Lou?
(THUDDlNG)
Lou, are you all right?
Damn, now we have to open the door.
-Are you kidding? -We can't risk it.
-She might call the police. -Hello, is someone there?
-Lou. -We'll put him in the closet.
Come on, come on. Help me out here.
-Hello? -Here.
I'll get him. You stall her.
-Lou! -I'm coming.
-LOU: Maybe this was karma at work. -Just wait a minute!
Maybe God had a sense ofhumor and this was his idea ofjustice in the universe.
-Everything okay in there? -Just a minute.
An eternity ofbeing dragged around my apartment and dropped on my head.
If that was how death was going to be, I thought, I'm gonna kill myself.
Okay, open up.
BETTY: Erika, what a surprise. What are you doing here?
It was Erika, all right.
Is everything okay? I heard a crash.
Right on cue.
I tripped on the stairs, knocked over a lamp and broke a coffee table.
I don't believe we've met.
I'm Oscar Charles. I'm a friend of the family.
Is Lou here?
I'm right over here, sweetheart, hanging in the closet like a side ofbeef.
He left the office in such a state. We're all very worried about him.
We haven't heard from him.
Actually, we were hoping that you could tell us where he is.
When I spoke to him this afternoon, he seemed very upset about something.
-Well, wait a minute, you're Oscar? -Yes.
Well, just before Lou left, he got a phone call from somebody named Oscar.
Oh, that phone call.
I was calling Lou to tell him that someone was enquiring about his medical records.
-Some gentleman from the FBl. -FBl?
-Betty, I think we should tell her.
-Tell her what? -Tell me what?
Apparently, Lou is not the man we all thought he was.
He is a criminal on the run from the police, yeah.
When I told him that the FBl was asking questions about him, he flipped.
Why don't you go on back to your office
-in case he tries to contact you. -That's a good idea.
-Betty and I are going to the police -We'll call you
-and see if there's anything -as soon as we know something.
-they know about all this. -We'll call you immediately.
(CRASHlNG)
LOU: This being dead was starting to give me a real headache.
Lou, you bastard! You were having an affair with her.
Here, we'll put one of these on his head. It'll hide the dents.
He was having an affair with her, I could see it in her eyes.
Forget about it. We gotta think about getting him outta here.
Oh, Oscar.
I don't know what's right any longer.
You have to do the thinking for both of us.
Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time.
I can't believe I'm listening to this.
With that damn hat stuck over my eyes, I couldn't see.
But I felt like they had crammed me into my car
and it sounded like they were headed pretty far out of town.
I had decided that this wasn't hell. Hell couldn't possibly be this stupid.
Anyway, I got to thinking about things like my old pal, Oscar.
Don't go soft on me, Lou.
We did it for each other then and we do it for each other now.
I know that.
At last now I know what he meant by, "Doing it to each other."
And speaking of doing it, that got me thinking about Erika.
You see, Betty was right about Erika and me.
Oh, Lou, you're the best, you know that?
You're warm, sensitive, caring.
You're great in bed.
What would you say if I told you I'll never leave you?
Nobody ever loved me that much.
And I did a lot ofthinking about Betty.
Lou, you're a bastard. You're scum, you know that?
You're cheap, insensitive, stupid and lousy in bed.
What would you say if I told you I'm leaving you?
Nobody ever loved me that much.
I wouldn't exactly say I was getting used to being dead,
but I was beginning to see a pattern.
OSCAR: Hurry up. Get the other shovel. There's a spot over here.
BETTY: No, there's a spot down there, at the bottom of the hill.
All right. Hurry up. We gotta get him in the ground before the sun comes up.
Time was beginning to take forever.
It felt like I had been cooped up in that car for an eternity.
I was starting to get cramps.
Thanks, pal.
Nuts, rigor mortis.
And let me tell you, it's no picnic.
Every last cell in your body goes rigid and it hurts like hell.
They're taking me out to a piece ofproperty I'd bought in the hills.
I'd planned on retiring there.
I just hadn't planned on doing it so soon.
How deep you gonna make that thing?
-Deep. -Well, help me get him out of the car.
He's starting to stiffen up.
That's more than he ever did for me.
(LAUGHlNG)
Come on, come on.
That Betty was pretty talented.
She could lie, murder and tell jokes.
She was the comic from hell.
Hold it right there. Put your hands where I can see them.
Don't shoot.
-Lou. -LOU: Well, what do you know?
The ca valry comes to the rescue.
Oh, God, what did they do to you?
Maybe God had decided to give me a break after all.
-Put your hands back up. -What a relief.
Like I said, being dead is certainly full of surprises.
How the hell did you get here?
-I followed you. -I knew it.
Put your hands up.
-Hello. -AUTOMA TED VOlCE: You've reached 911...
Hello, can you hear me?
All our lines are currently...
Hello, you're breaking up. This is an emergency.
LOU: Poor Erika.
-So beautiful. -Can you hear me now?
So loyal.
Thank God, listen, this is an emergency.
-So trusting. -Yes, there's been a murder.
Erika.
So dumb.
WOMAN ON PHONE: Hello?
Not again. We lost another one.
Yes!
-I feel much better. -LOU: Then something strange happened.
Turned out that Betty was a hell of a shot.
We're talking something the Warren Commission would ha ve been proud of.
That bullet killed Erika, smashed the windshield,
tore through my chest and severed my spine.
BETTY: Look out, the car.
OSCAR: Oh, my God! BETTY: Run! Run!
(CRASHlNG)
LOU: So, where was l?
Oh, yeah, the things you learn when you die.
Did I mention about the light yet?
Well, I'm still waiting to see that big bright light.
I'm beginning to think that there is no...
Hey, wait a minute. There's a light.
Got one in the car. Dead from the looks of it.
Give me a hand, here.
Well, well, well.
Here's looking at you, kids.
Yeah, well, this whole dying thing isn't what it's cracked up to be.
First there's all this talk about the light. Now, there's no damn light.
It's all a bunch of crap.
Then there's the pain and suffering.
Ow!
Now, that's for real. It never stops. It just gets worse.
And in the end, all you really ha ve to look forward to is...
Haven't I seen this guy someplace before?
-No. -No.
What the hell, he'll find out soon enough.
(LOU LAUGHlNG)
You know, I kind of feel sorry for Lou.
Surely, there's got to be an easier way to get an Oscar.
(CACKLlNG)
I hope my story didn't scare you too much, Mr. Hitchcock.
Actually, I'm a very big fan of yours.
If you want, you can tell me a story.
(CROW CAWlNG)
I guess he knows the pecking order now.
(CACKLlNG)