(GATE CREAKING)
(SCREECHING)
(DOG HOWLING)
(SCREECHING)
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
(CACKLING)
(CRYPTKEEPER SPEAKING)
(GRUNTS)
Greetings hack and field fans.
I hope you're in the mood for a little fiendly competition.
It's that time of fear again.
The annual All Crypt Die Cathalon!
I've been working out like crazy to get ready.
This year I'm really going for the cold.
Kind of like the woman in tonight's tale.
It's a putrid portrait of an up-and-coming young artist
that's sure to leave a nasty taste on your palette.
I call it...
(GRUNTS)
"99 and 44/100% Pure Horror."
(BED SQUEAKING)
(WOMAN MOANING)
Get out.
-What? -Get out.
My husband will be home soon.
-I wasn't finished. -Ask me if I care.
How can you say that?
-Well, you told me I was special. -I lied. Go home.
Willa.
I love it when you beg.
Okay. I tell you what.
I'll give you a couple of minutes
to do what you gotta do in the bathroom, and then you're out of here.
And tomorrow, don't be late.
Honey, where's the antacid?
They're in the kitchen. You're gonna OD on those things.
Hereditary.
Would you mind not throwing your soiled clothes on the floor?
It's gonna stain the carpet.
Wonderful, Luden. You've come to criticize me in the shower?
No. I'm sorry.
We'll start over.
-Mind if I join you? -Yes, I do mind.
Greetings, shareholders, I'm Luden Sandleton.
Now, soapmaking has come a long way since my grandfather
started Derma Smooth back in 1927.
Back then, it took two and a half days to make a single bar of soap.
But, today, with a single flick of a switch,
the patented Derma Smooth Soap-o-Matic 5000 can heat,
blend, cool and package an entire case of soap in less than eight minutes.
Also, in the old days, most companies rendered animal parts for their products.
But not Derma Smooth.
There are over a dozen kinds of acids in animal parts,
including hydrochloric acid.
Think about it.
Would you want the stuff that digests food in your stomach
doing the same kind of thing to your face?
That's why, for the past 70 years,
Derma Smooth has been all natural and cruelty-free.
But enough about the past. Let's talk about the future.
(WlLLA APPLAUDS)
Bravo.
They're showing it at the shareholders' luncheon next week.
So, where's the future?
We haven't shot it yet. We got problems.
I mean, sales are at an all-time low.
You're the president, Lu. Fire someone.
Yeah, well, we've been doing a lot of work getting ready for the luncheon
and market research indicates that your designs
aren't scoring the kinds of points that they used to.
Fact.
This design made Derma Smooth the number-one shampoo!
Well, nobody's saying that your work isn't good.
It's just it's not very fresh anymore.
So, this is why you're so excited to see me doing my own stuff, huh?
Well, don't take it personally. I mean...
The board of directors wants to
scrap all of the existing artwork.
They want an entirely new look for Derma Smooth.
I think it's a great idea!
-You do? -Absolutely!
I mean, my designs have been copied so much,
they are old news.
(SIGHS)
So when is this shareholders' meeting?
Thursday.
-I'm really happy that you understand... -Thursday. Thursday, Thursday.
That gives me just enough time to give you your future.
What?
They want a fresh new look? Let me give it to them.
I'll wow them, Luden, you'll see.
Welcome back.
We are talking to the hottest artist on the scene today, Renaldo Escuarita.
Renaldo, when did you first make the transition
from doing graffiti to more serious artwork?
Hey, I don't use the "G word," because that's like, vandalism, you dig?
I am an urban guerrilla artist.
It's like, the city is my canvas, man.
I'm just working on a smaller scale now.
Bam!
I call it "Welfare Cheese."
When is it time for me?
Right about now.
You know my next guest from her provocative
and controversial designs for Derma Smooth beauty products.
Say hi to Willa Sandleton.
Willa, thanks so much for joining us.
So, now that Derma Smooth beauty products
are no longer the flavor of the month,
do you think your 15 minutes of fame are up?
No.
Actually, I am in the middle of redesigning the entire Derma Smooth line.
-Really? -Yes. Yes.
But what I'm really excited about is my new work.
I feel like I've really grown as an artist
and I'd like to take this opportunity to debut my new art to the world,
if you don't mind.
-This first painting I call... -Oops! Actually...
We're out of time, Willa, I'm so sorry.
When we come back, you're going to be meeting some very special children.
BRlAN: We're clear!
Brian, we got tape on those retarded kids that draw with their feet?
-They're physically impaired, not retarded. -Whatever.
Excuse me, I thought you were gonna show my work on this show.
That's the reason I agreed to come on this program.
Are you nuts?
The network won't let us show that gory goop on the air.
Besides, who'd want to look at that first thing in the morning?
Renaldo, thanks for coming on the show, can't wait to see yours.
RENALDO: Right on, right on.
(SlGHS)
Hi.
How was the TV show?
I don't wanna talk about it.
What are you doing home in the middle of the day?
I need to talk to you about the shareholders' luncheon tomorrow.
Oh, great, because I have just finished with the last set of designs and...
I'm afraid we're not gonna be able to use your stuff.
What?
Why not?
-You don't like them. -No, no. It's not that.
Damn it, Luden!
I created an image for your stupid company.
You know, I turned it around! I think you owe me!
-Well, it's just business, Willa. -Then treat it like a business!
Test the damn things!
I have worked round the clock for five days straight,
I think you could do a regional test, something!
No! I'm sorry.
But we've just closed a deal on an up-and-coming new artist.
He's very hot now and we're lucky to have him.
Who is it?
-His name is Renaldo Escuarita. -What?
Renaldo Escuari... You know him?
He's a graffiti artist.
Luden, I have studied. Do you understand me? Studied!
-My whole life for this! -Now, Willa, calm down.
-How dare you do this to me? -I'm not doing anything to you.
Look, it's not the end of the world.
You can do your own work full-time now.
Oh, yeah. Who's gonna buy my paintings, Luden? You?
Willa.
-Willa, there's a silver lining here. -Are you kidding?
Well, I'm concerned about us, about our marriage.
Now, I figure between taking the pressure off of you
and getting past the board of directors meeting,
we'll have a chance to spend a little time together.
-You know, maybe take that trip. -Don't touch me.
I'll go to a marriage counselor. I'll do whatever you want.
Give me my job back.
-Well, that's not gonna happen. -Fine. I want out.
-What are you saying? -I want a divorce, you idiot.
I don't care about this relationship.
I never have. Sorry. That's just the way it is.
And if I can't put my drawings on your stupid soap boxes,
well then I'm just gonna take your money. Half.
Half sounds good to me.
I'm entitled to it.
I'm sorry it's come to this.
-You son of a bitch! -Well, that's good.
You let your anger out. No, I get it...
No, I realize that I'm probably as much to blame for this as you are.
Now, Willa, listen. Let's start over again.
We'll erase everything. Let's give it another chance.
What do you say?
You are such a wimp!
Now, maybe, but I'm not gonna let you go.
Willa.
Come on. We used to have some fire in the past.
Let's bring it back.
I'll give you fire, Luey.
Willa!
Sorry, Lu, but you got me on a bad day.
(DOORBELL BUZZlNG)
Hey! Drop me the key!
What are you doing here?
What do you mean? I'm right on time for our afternoon delight.
Come back later!
Oh, come on. Don't go teasing me like this!
-I'm begging on my hands and knees! -Go away!
TOM: I'll bark like a dog if you want!
(TOM IMITATES DOG BARKING)
Not now, Tom! I mean it.
Forget about the key. I think somebody's coming out.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Hey, babe, open up.
I know you need a strong, hunky man like me in there!
Come on, babe. Open up.
Willa, come on.
Willa, open the door.
Open, open, open, open, open.
Hi.
Man, you've been painting up a storm, huh?
Oh, yeah. Listen, I need you to do me a favor.
Sure. I'll do you.
A favor, that is.
I need you to come over here and help me get this carpet into the car.
God, Willa, I'm so hot for you.
Let's do it on the carpet right now.
No, you don't! No.
Kinky.
Tom.
(WlLLA MOANS)
(YELLS)
Wait, wait, wait. We'll pick this up later, baby. Okay.
Could you go get me some aspirin? They're in the bathroom. I got a headache.
-You got a headache, now? -Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'll make it up to you later. I promise.
Okay.
What's this?
That's for later.
All right.
Now help me get this into the car.
Well, get your husband to do it. I ain't your slave.
Luden is out of town and you are my slave.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Man, this stuff's looking realer every day.
It's a mixed media piece. It's a gift for Luden.
Now beat it.
Hey, wait a second. You promised me. Willa!
I said, "Scram."
(SCREAMS)
Gee, Lu, you were never this lively before.
Acid to acid, dust to dust.
Long day, huh, Lu?
Hey, Lu, you don't mind if I leave this...
There.
Or how about these...here.
Or, how about this, there.
C'mon, Lu, let's go have some fun.
Now, you just sit right there and don't move a muscle.
You always wanted to shower with me, Lu.
Here's your chance.
(YELPS)
LUDEN: There are over a dozen kinds of acids in animal parts,
including hydrochloric acid.
Think about it.
Would you want the stuff that digests food in your stomach
doing the same kind of thing to your face?
(SCREAMS)
Looks like Willa's changing her school of painting.
From art gooveau to ghost-lmpressionism.
That'll get her into Ooze Who.
(CACKLlNG)
Okay, kiddies, it's time for my big event.
Wish me luck.
Caught it!
Ah, the kill of victory.
(CACKLlNG)