(GATE CREAKlNG)
(SCREECHlNG)
(DOG HOWLlNG)
(SCREECHlNG)
(lNDlSTlNCT WHlSPERlNG)
(CACKLlNG)
(CRYPTKEEPER SPEAKlNG)
(EXCLAlMS)
Hello, creeps, it's your old pal, the big scare-huna,
enjoying a little surf and sand.
Hey, babe, want me to rub a little sun tan lotion on you?
(GlRL MOANS)
Boy, I do love the beach.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, you, watch it!
MAN: Get a tan.
Boy, I hate getting sand kicked in my face.
I'm not your average 98-pound weakling, you know.
For one thing, I don't weigh that much.
I tell you, kiddies, I'm going to get that guy.
Which brings to mind the two men in tonight's terror tale.
They're on a little shriek-and-destroy mission of their own,
in a nasty undertaking I call "Comes the Dawn."
(GULPlNG)
(BURPS)
(EXCLAlMS)
A bottle of schnapps and two glasses.
Little late in the season for a vacation getaway, isn't it, boys?
Let's see,
I'm in Butthole, Alaska.
It's colder than a witch's left one out there, no one else around.
That's very astute, bartender.
Now,
I've a Sherlock Holmes moment for you.
Your favorite blender speed is...
Purée.
You get the hell out of here.
You'll have to forgive the sergeant, my dear.
He just got off a very long flight and he's not a big fan of flying.
That don't mean he's got to be nasty.
No, it doesn't.
COLONEL: I apologize.
But maybe you can help us.
You see, we're looking for a very special kind of hunting guide.
Somebody who's not only concerned with limit laws or the endangered species list.
Sounds like you'd be talking about my ex.
Jeri Drumbeater.
Used to be game warden around here.
Till the sheriff caught Jeri fishing with dynamite.
Dynamite?
Well, it sounds like Jeri's our man.
Yeah. Sure does.
-Except for one little problem. -And that is?
I turned Jeri in myself.
I don't take kindly to poachers.
(TELEPHONE RlNGlNG)
-OFFlCER: Sheriff's office. -Yeah, give me the...
(GUN COCKlNG)
What the hell do you want?
Schnapps.
Please.
I'm sorry.
But I'm gonna have to ask you this again.
Are you sure you're Jeri Drumbeater?
I'm sure.
Good.
So what do you say?
You help us bag one good-sized grizzly,
and we will pay you the generous sum of $100, cash money.
I don't do that anymore.
You sure we can't convince you otherwise?
It'd be a hell of a lot more exciting than watching static on TV.
Sergeant.
Enough of this.
On your feet, soldier!
That's a direct order from your Commanding Officer,
retired Colonel Parker Thomas,
477th lnfantry, Desert Storm.
Doesn't that medal mean anything to you?
That's the Purple Heart. You should display it proudly!
It's not something that I'm proud of, Colonel.
I was wounded in a firefight.
Our APC was hit by mortars.
-We were two clicks outside of... -City of Jalib ash.
I know, 'cause I was there.
Twelve dead, twenty-two casualties.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Those lraqi bastards caught us with our pants down.
We showed them who was boss. We shelled the shit out of them!
-I know because I gave the order! -You did?
That's an affirmative, soldier.
The Colonel here saved your ass. It's payback time, soldier!
Now, what are you gonna do about it?
Corporal Drumbeater reporting for duty as ordered, sir!
Outstanding, Soldier.
Now let's bag ourselves a bear.
Is this where we're going?
It's been abandoned for years, but the bears love it.
Perfect place for a winter hibernation.
Very good, Colonel.
Great. Indoor hunting with Grandpa and his new girlfriend.
BURROWS: What are you doing now?
Would you prefer to work in the dark?
What is this place, anyway?
It used to be a government weather station.
Get in.
BURROWS: Weather station?
Some sort of covert Cold War military base, more like it.
The kids took over this place once Uncle Sam moved out.
Had their own playhouse.
Then, some kids started to disappear.
Parents thought it was too dangerous to leave as is,
so they had the whole place boarded up.
Good.
If you can't protect your own children, who can you protect?
Spoken like a true leader.
Thank you.
Here.
-What have you got? -Grizzly.
From the look of them, about six hours old.
Grizzly.
What do you say we get some bear, huh?
-She finds some tracks? That's it? -Can it, Sergeant.
Now, here's the plan.
While you and Miss Drumbeater here set the traps,
I'll go out and assess the perimeter for any sign of live target.
I find something, I'll radio my location
and await your arrival.
Any questions?
No, Colonel.
Good.
Wait a minute. Where are you going?
-Aren't you going to help us here? -I'm in charge here, Sergeant.
And though you may think of my advance scout
as an attempt to avoid strenuous labor, I choose to see it as
the culmination of 20 years of military protocol and training.
Now, partnership or not, somebody always has to lead.
And in this man's army, that's me, Sergeant.
Now you just set the traps.
Jerky, bears love it.
And teriyaki is their favorite.
You need some help over there?
Give it all that sexy body can give, honey.
You know, Burrows, you don't have to try so hard.
I'm all yours if you want me.
What about your friend, the bartender?
I like men, too.
Burrows, you know, it's all meat, some you eat and some you kiss.
(CLEARS THROAT)
The lesbian thing I can understand.
It's you I can't figure.
I mean, how can you be with a woman with such a rotten mouth?
That's what made the relationship possible.
Kidding, right?
What's the matter?
You find me a little too intense?
Too bad, I had high hopes for you.
I thought you had high hopes for the Colonel.
I mean, you wouldn't be trying to play us against each other, would you?
Why would I do that?
Now tell me about this little hunting expedition.
I get the feeling it's not for pleasure.
You're hunting endangered species, grizzlies and brown bears.
Why would we be doing that?
A gallbladder alone is worth about $64,000.
64,000 for one organ?
How much did the Colonel tell you they were worth?
-Or isn't it a 50-50 split? -70-30.
He's the one with all the connections.
But what if the Colonel wasn't around?
What if he died?
Accidentally.
Life goes on, I guess.
-It's a seller's market. -Sure is.
Poaching is a very dangerous job.
So I hear. Shit happens.
I guess if something like that happened to the Colonel,
you'd have to find a new partner.
A 50-50 partner.
You?
Yes.
(JERl MOANS)
I want out of this frosty freeze.
I'm ready to try again. Let me show you.
(ZlPPER OPENlNG)
What do you think...
Colonel?
I think we'll have two dead bitches in this compound pretty soon.
Somebody already beat us to the first one.
But then again...
I think you knew already knew that, too, didn't you, Miss?
What's your game, lady?
Sorry, Drumbeater, but you don't fix what's not broken.
Besides, Colonel, here, he pays the bills.
So you better tell us what's up
or I'm gonna have to blow your brains out.
You dumb son of a bitch.
(SCREECHlNG)
What the hell was that?
(DOOR CLOSlNG)
You got the key?
Sure.
We just saved ourselves $100. Come on.
(GENERATOR PUFFlNG)
Oh, damn.
She's killed the generator.
Here.
Take the lead.
(SCREECHlNG)
Go on. Go!
How did you get back inside?
One of these tunnels is open-ended.
(BABY CRYlNG)
Did you hear that?
Check it out.
BURROWS: What the hell are they?
(BABY CRYlNG)
Come on. Let's just get out of here.
Hello, Mister?
Me and my friends are lost. Can you help us?
Where did you come from? Huh?
Whoa!
Whoa, you're freezing. Feel her.
I don't get it. Something's wrong.
Her body temperature is way too low.
-She'd have to be... -What?
Dead.
(SNARLlNG)
Hey, where are you going?
(SNARLS)
(DOOR OPENS)
At ease.
Drumbeater?
At one point in my life, I hated this town and everything it stood for.
But now, they need me, as much as I need them.
It started with the children and after that,
it spread pretty quickly to everyone but me.
-You want her, she's all yours. -I don't want her.
-Corporal, I order you... -No more orders, Colonel.
It was your order that led to the shelling of Jalib ash.
Yes. I saved your life. You owe me.
Oh, yes. I owe you. I owe you for this.
Look!
You shelled the enemy that day at Jalib ash.
You shelled your own men!
I live among the undead, because of you.
You destroyed my life.
Now, I will destroy yours.
(VAMPlRES GROWLlNG)
We're outcasts.
I cannot even join these vampires, even if I wanted to,
because my blood is poison to them.
But yours is not.
I didn't have anything to do with Jalib ash.
It was the Colonel.
I offered you a chance, so now you'll serve me, too.
Kill her.
Someone must be sacrificed in any battle.
It's a military fact.
And in this army, that person is you.
Colonel.
(GUN FlRES)
Okay?
Don't let him get away!
(SNARLlNG)
JERl: You can't run. The night belongs to us.
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMlNG)
Bastards!
Blood-sucking bastards!
Own the night, do you?
Well, I own the day.
And when the sun comes up, you will fry!
(ALARM CLOCK BEEPlNG)
10:00 a.m. It's still dark out.
Jeri is mine!
No!
It's gonna take a lot more than a lesbian vampire biker whore
to ruin my day!
Don't be afraid. It's only me.
Where is the sun?
In Alaska, the sun isn't coming up for another two months.
No.
No!
(EXCLAlMS)
The Colonel should be a little more careful who he picks a fright with.
Still, I think he'll get used to being hunted for a change.
Once he gets the fang of it.
And if it doesn't work out,
he can re-enlist...in the Marine Corpse.
(CACKLlNG)
As for me, kiddies,
I decided to get even with that bully
by showing off some of my surfing prowess.
I may not be able to hang ten,
but I can sure hang one.
(CACKLlNG)