(GATE CREAKlNG)
(SCREECHlNG)
(DOG HOWLlNG)
(SCREECHlNG)
(lNDlSTlNCT WHlSPERlNG)
(CACKLlNG)
(CRYPTKEEPER SPEAKlNG)
Yeah, kids these days with their long hair.
You can't even tell the boils from the ghouls.
And when they do want a cut, they go to one of those fancy salons
Iike José Slay-ber or Videad Sassoon.
It's enough to make you terror your hair out.
(GASPS)
I guess that towel was a little too hot.
Still, I think it's a good look for you.
Once it's groan out, I'm sure you'll love it.
(CACKLlNG)
Which brings to mind the young men in tonight's terror tale.
They're about to try a new scare-style, as well,
in a delightful little die-job I call "Doctor Of Horror".
Callaghan's Mortuary has a 40-year tradition of service to uphold.
Peace of mind and serenity.
A stolen body would be a scandal. It would destroy this fine institution.
-Do you understand that? -Yes, sir.
-You can count on us, sir. -No, I can't.
You're useless, lowlife shit heads.
If there's so much as a coffin handle missing in the morning, you are fired.
Fuck you, son of a bitch.
Who do you think you're talking to?
Put his stupid ass on a slab.
Richard, please try to remember we need this job.
Okay, Charlie, don't you have any ambition?
What we need, my friend, is a break.
RlCHARD: When do we get to eat?
-Hey. Hey! -Hey!
Jesus Christ. Hey, where you going? Where you going?
-You're under arrest. -You're not the police.
No, but we can darn sure hold you till the real police get here.
-Let's go, old man. -I can't believe this.
-We caught a body snatcher. -Shut up.
How much do you boys make?
-Excuse me? -How much?
-Not enough. -That's what I thought.
Now, I will pay you 500 bucks if you'll help me steal this corpse.
-500 bucks? -Each.
You know, I thought we were going to a hospital or something.
Yeah, right, Charlie.
Hey, he said he was a surgeon, didn't he?
Well, the man obviously works out of the home.
I'm not allowed in hospitals anymore.
CHARLlE: Oh, boy.
Which way?
Oh, here. The wine cellar.
Good, I could use a drink.
(EXCLAlMS)
Jeez, Doc. What stinks?
Never mind that now. Here we are.
Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
So, just what are you gonna do to her, Doc?
Well, that, my boy, is beyond your imagination.
Oh, there...
There's nothing perverted about it, if that's what you're worried about.
I'm searching for her soul.
Oh, shit.
(COUGHlNG)
Dude, he didn't do nothing yet.
RlCHARD: Man, oh, man.
I am convinced that the soul exists
in a microscopic gland that is located somewhere along the spine.
It is the last thing to die,
releasing the life force days after conventional death.
What does the gland look like?
I haven't seen it yet.
I've dissected dozens of corpses and, like some elusive prey,
it vanishes, just when I think I have it in my sights.
When you find it, what are you gonna do with it?
Oh, not that much.
-Just play God. -I feel sick.
Well, get over it, man, 'cause this shit is amazing.
If I can locate the soul, I can unlock the deepest secrets of the human condition.
Why is one man a saint and another a monster?
And can I change a monster into a saint
by manipulating his essential metaphysical substance?
That's trippy, Doc.
-ls that it, there? -No!
No, it will be incandescent.
Perhaps only a pinpoint of light.
Even a skilled surgeon would miss it, unless he believed it was there.
Can it be that ethereal?
Can it shift and move with a will of its own?
Will it elude me forever?
Oh, God. Oh, dear God.
So, the search continues. You still want that drink?
Sure.
ORLOFF: Got some work for you here. It will get you another $500.
Hello.
Normally, I can dispose of them when it suits me,
but this freezer's been acting up. It's 40-years-old.
Well, this is gonna cost you a helluva lot more than $500.
All right, Richard, how much?
Well, a lot more.
Well, say $600.
(EXCLAlMS)
Done.
All right, there's an old well not far from here.
It's ideal for disposing of things.
Okay, come on. We're gonna need some tarp and some rope.
Come on. Come on.
He's trying to steal their souls.
How can the dead rest if they don't have their souls?
Are you kidding me?
Dude, Dr. Orloff's got an excuse for talking that shit. He's nuts.
You're seriously stupid, but the last time I checked, you were sane.
Don't you believe in souls, Richard?
Don't you believe in anything?
Yeah, I believe I got $1,000 right here, baby.
More money than I've ever seen in my life.
They're gonna be lost forever, no way home.
RlCHARD: Oh, good Lord.
(SPLASHlNG)
Yeah, that's plenty deep.
Charlie! Hoist up one of them suckers. I'll be right there.
Charlie, Charlie.
Charlie, hoist.
(SCREAMlNG)
God damn it!
Come here. Damn it.
What the hell are you doing?
We are working here, okay?
Freak out on your own time.
Jesus.
You know, I still don't feel good about this.
Yeah, well, I do, Charlie.
Just gotta keep our story straight, okay? We got a little drunk, we fell asleep.
Because it's exactly what that prick would expect us to do, anyway.
We are off the hook, baby.
Yes, we are off the hook. Yes, we are!
God damn it! Get up, you idiots!
Get up. Where is she?
-Who? -Mrs. Myers.
Oh, yeah.
Sir, I don't know. We were patrolling the halls all night.
-You're lying. -No, sir.
What's this?
Drunk. You're drunk, and I'm going to lose a 40-year business because of it.
You're fired. Get out of here, now.
-We're fired? -You're fired.
Fine, we're fired.
You know what? We don't want your shit job anyway.
How did you get that mud on your boots?
-How did you get that tear in your jeans? -Charlie, let's go.
-What have you two been up to? -Charlie, let's go.
You took her, didn't you? I'm going to the police.
You stay right here. I'm going to the police.
-Damn! -Sir. Sir?
Sir, I just wanna explain one thing, okay? One second?
Sir, sir, could you stop running, please, sir?
Sir, please don't go for the cops, sir. Can I just say one thing?
Sir, please. Hello?
Sir. Oh, sir? Sir? Sir?
Sir? Sir!
-Sir! Sir! Sir! -That's enough! Stop it!
-Get off me! -Stop it!
-Hey, get off me! -Listen, you are killing him!
What do you think I'm trying to do? Sir!
Listen, listen, do you want to go to jail for murder?
Is that what you want?
(ANDREWS MURMURS)
Oh, thank God.
He's still alive.
Okay, all right. Look, look.
Let's get him to Dr. Orloff, okay? All right?
-Yeah. -He can take care of him.
Yeah, Doctor Orloff will take care of him real good.
This wasn't very smart of you, Richard.
You know what, Doc? I really don't need another lecture right now.
I don't suppose you do.
All right, you two wait in the hallway. I'll have more work for you.
Yes, sir.
I can't do this, Richard. I quit.
What? Security watchman? I think we already handed in our resignation.
You know good and well what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about working for that doctor.
Why? Why would you want to quit? We got a good thing going here.
-'Cause it's wrong. -It's wrong?
-Yeah, it's wrong. -Charlie, we're carting around dead people.
-I don't think they care. -Their souls care, Richard.
Oh, God, would you please change the tape?
Look, bud, I'm real sorry if you're having troubles with our career move,
but you quit when I tell you, you can quit.
-Okay? -Boys! Come in here. Hurry.
All my years of searching and I finally found it.
The soul gland. The moment I went to extract it, it disappeared.
Then this shit heel up and dies on you, huh?
Well, that's just plain rude.
I don't fully understand why I found it now.
-But I did. -I know why you found it.
He was alive when you started to cut him up.
You thought
that you could get the soul gland out of dead people,
but, by then, it's already disappeared.
See, souls don't just hang around.
No, you were wrong about that.
They go on to their just reward.
That is, unless you steal them.
Of course.
You're absolutely right, Charlie.
Positively brilliant.
You know,
you shouldn't steal souls, Doctor.
It's all in the name of science, Charlie.
You know, Doc, I think Charlie's right.
I mean about being wrong, doing what we're doing here.
Charlie, why don't you... It's all right, it's all right.
Just go wait out in the truck. I wanna try to explain to him what I mean.
Go ahead. I'll be right there.
-We got a Charlie problem here, Doc. -Well, he's, he's...
He's simple-minded and good-hearted, and that is a dangerous combination.
Yeah, well, he is going to get us busted.
Just to ease his conscience? He must have a vigorous soul.
Do you want to find out?
Yeah, I though you might like that idea.
I tell you, this is a pretty interesting gig you got here, Doc.
How long do you have to go to school
before you can start cutting things up and stuff?
-Career planning? -Maybe.
Told you I was ambitious.
Say, "Ah."
(SPLASHlNG)
Okay, all right. That's it.
-I'm finished. -Charlie. Dude, dude, dude, listen.
I'm real sorry I went off on you like that before. I just...
Anyway, you want to quit working for Dr. Orloff,
you go right ahead and quit.
-I've already quit. -You want a drink? Have a drink.
(COUGHS)
That's not all I'm gonna do. I'm going to the cops.
I'm gonna turn myself in.
There is no way I'm gonna live with this on my conscience.
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. I knew you were gonna do something stupid like that.
That's why you're drinking ether.
Still alive. Just like you wanted.
You gonna cut him up?
Just the usual incision. Don't be so disappointed.
Once I've removed the gland, you can cut to your heart's content.
Extraordinary. The better the soul, the stronger the light.
I must preserve this immediately.
Doc?
You do what you want. You're my assistant now.
(WHlRRlNG)
Here we go, Charlie.
Now, you get to hang out with all those lost souls you were worried about.
(SPLASHlNG)
-Hello, Richard. -Hi.
Hey, Doc. Champagne's on me.
-Guess what we're celebrating. -What are we celebrating?
My new pay raise.
(ORLOFF LAUGHS)
-Richard, you're not getting a raise. -Yes, I am.
All the deliveries I've been making, all the souls you've been collecting.
And I've been so quiet about it. So far.
I'm feeling very, very unappreciated right now, Doc!
Oh, you pathetic loser. Yeah! Yeah!
-What did you call me? -You think you gonna kill me,
and then you're gonna get appreciation?
What the hell was that?
What have you done with my soul?
(SCREAMS)
Pull back the skin and cut through to the muscle.
Right, Doctor?
Charlie, no. Charlie, what're you doing, man? Come on.
Not much. I'm just going to play God.
-I'm gonna steal your soul, Richard. -Oh, no.
Charlie, come on.
You don't wanna hurt me. Come on, you're good.
On the contrary, Richard,
I was good.
You stole my soul. Remember?
(LAUGHlNG)
Charlie, no. Charlie, no.
That Charlie. And you thought he was mixed up before.
(CACKLlNG)
As a matter of fact, I just got a card from Charlie.
He went on to open up a chain of private clubs, for dismembers only.
And Richard went into medicine, specializing in intensive scare.
So, I've got a free chair.
How about a little trim? I promise I won't take off too much.
(SCREAMlNG)
Shave and a haircut, two bits.
(CACKLlNG)