1
00:00:05,428 --> 00:00:07,928
(GATE CREAKlNG)

2
00:00:24,914 --> 00:00:27,414
(SCREECHlNG)

3
00:00:42,331 --> 00:00:44,831
(DOG HOWLlNG)

4
00:01:06,355 --> 00:01:08,855
(SCREECHlNG)

5
00:01:10,192 --> 00:01:12,692
(lNDlSTlNCT WHlSPERlNG)

6
00:01:19,068 --> 00:01:20,201
(CACKLlNG)

7
00:01:20,202 --> 00:01:22,702
(CRYPTKEEPER SPEAKlNG)

8
00:01:32,248 --> 00:01:37,218
Hello, kiddies. You're just in time
for your driving lesson.

9
00:01:37,219 --> 00:01:41,222
Today we'll be learning
about scare-allel parking

10
00:01:41,223 --> 00:01:44,626
and the right way to look behind
when hacking up.

11
00:01:44,627 --> 00:01:50,207
But first, I thought we'd go over
a few common hand signals.

12
00:01:50,299 --> 00:01:53,368
This, of course,
means you're turning right.

13
00:01:53,369 --> 00:01:56,438
And this means you're turning left.

14
00:01:56,439 --> 00:01:57,839
And this means...

15
00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:00,340
(CAR HORN BLARlNG)

16
00:02:03,779 --> 00:02:07,148
Slow down, it's time to watch
Tales from the Crypt.

17
00:02:07,149 --> 00:02:09,649
(CACKLlNG)

18
00:02:10,019 --> 00:02:14,222
Tonight's moving violation
concerns a disk jockey

19
00:02:14,223 --> 00:02:18,193
who's so cutting-edge,
he may lose his chop.

20
00:02:18,194 --> 00:02:21,288
I call it "In The Groove."

21
00:02:24,733 --> 00:02:27,233
Oh, baby, you're so hot.

22
00:02:28,737 --> 00:02:31,457
You're on fire, you're steam.

23
00:02:32,141 --> 00:02:35,944
I'm gonna take your shoe off.
Is that okay? Can I do that?

24
00:02:35,945 --> 00:02:38,445
Okay.

25
00:02:38,981 --> 00:02:45,320
Only two kinds of girls wear red shoes
and you ain't no Spanish dancer.

26
00:02:45,321 --> 00:02:46,654
(EXHALlNG)

27
00:02:46,655 --> 00:02:49,424
You know what you're doing to me?

28
00:02:49,425 --> 00:02:52,690
And now I think the stocking.

29
00:02:53,996 --> 00:02:58,933
Yeah. Baby, you've got
the most beautiful legs, but l...

30
00:02:58,934 --> 00:03:01,536
I bet you hear that all the time, don't you?

31
00:03:01,537 --> 00:03:04,037
Well, sometimes.

32
00:03:08,444 --> 00:03:11,106
Sometimes? Yeah, right.

33
00:03:13,382 --> 00:03:15,882
Why don't you stand up?

34
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:22,360
I want you out of that skirt,
you nasty little girl.

35
00:03:29,398 --> 00:03:33,018
God, you look so good in that G-string.

36
00:03:34,937 --> 00:03:37,437
I don't wear G-strings.

37
00:03:40,142 --> 00:03:43,712
Okay, what kind of panties do you wear?

38
00:03:45,614 --> 00:03:48,276
You know, regular ones.

39
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:53,421
Fine, whatever.

40
00:03:53,422 --> 00:03:57,172
I don't think I want to do this anymore.

41
00:03:58,193 --> 00:04:00,395
Fine.

42
00:04:00,396 --> 00:04:04,232
Maybe one of our listeners has a fantasy
that's more to your liking.

43
00:04:04,233 --> 00:04:06,701
So, okay, out there, Lancaster,

44
00:04:06,702 --> 00:04:09,771
the lovely Carla is waiting
to hear from you. Let's go to the phones.

45
00:04:09,772 --> 00:04:12,707
The number here is 555-1234.

46
00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:20,415
What, did somebody drop
a bomb on you people?

47
00:04:20,416 --> 00:04:24,614
Hello, Lancaster, are you out there?
Come in.

48
00:04:27,656 --> 00:04:33,094
Or maybe you bumpkins just haven't
figured out how to use a telephone yet.

49
00:04:33,095 --> 00:04:34,762
Screw all of you.

50
00:04:34,763 --> 00:04:37,432
GARY ON TAPE: This has been
another fun filled excursion

51
00:04:37,433 --> 00:04:39,567
on Gary's Drive Time Desires,

52
00:04:39,568 --> 00:04:43,348
the show that gets you up in the morning.

53
00:04:43,672 --> 00:04:46,040
All right, I'm outta here.
Enough fun for today.

54
00:04:46,041 --> 00:04:50,641
Hank Bodine is up next.
Hey, there's a good time.

55
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:55,450
Thanks for nothing, sweetheart. That was
even more boring than sex with my ex.

56
00:04:55,451 --> 00:04:56,651
Come on, let's go.

57
00:04:56,652 --> 00:04:58,086
-Does this mean it's over?
-Yeah, it's over.

58
00:04:58,087 --> 00:05:00,788
Get the hell outta here and
don't listen to my radio show anymore.

59
00:05:00,789 --> 00:05:04,359
I never listen to your radio show.
Where's my $10, buddy?

60
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:05,426
What're you talking about?

61
00:05:05,427 --> 00:05:06,628
Get outta here before I call security.

62
00:05:06,629 --> 00:05:09,097
Oh, hey, listen.
You're the one who asked me to be here!

63
00:05:09,098 --> 00:05:11,499
-Get outta here, you big old nasty...
-You're such a geek!

64
00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:14,135
-You're a geek!
-Halloween special!

65
00:05:14,136 --> 00:05:17,538
-You know, I'm gonna get my $10.
-Don't come back!

66
00:05:17,539 --> 00:05:22,969
-Jesus, you believe that chick?
-Security? Like you need it.

67
00:05:23,245 --> 00:05:25,480
Up yours, pal. What'd you get last quarter?

68
00:05:25,481 --> 00:05:29,261
Thirty share. What'd you get, mama's boy?

69
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:34,020
(lNAUDlBLE)

70
00:05:34,957 --> 00:05:38,620
Not a 30 share. Not even a 30 share.

71
00:05:38,694 --> 00:05:42,363
-I want him fired.
-You're the one I wish I could fire.

72
00:05:42,364 --> 00:05:46,934
I just got off the phone with
the only sponsor you had left.

73
00:05:46,935 --> 00:05:51,465
-Hendrix Auto Body walked?
-Hendrix Auto Body ran.

74
00:05:51,874 --> 00:05:56,411
I'm moving Hank to drive time.
Shifting you to graveyard.

75
00:05:56,412 --> 00:05:58,946
What? You can't shift me to graveyard!

76
00:05:58,947 --> 00:06:01,816
Hey, listen, every second you're on the air,
this station loses money.

77
00:06:01,817 --> 00:06:03,785
And if your ratings don't improve
in your first week,

78
00:06:03,786 --> 00:06:06,154
I am cutting you down to half an hour.

79
00:06:06,155 --> 00:06:08,556
-You don't have the authority to do that.
-It's all in the will.

80
00:06:08,557 --> 00:06:12,460
No, Mom left us the station 50-50.
I can do whatever the hell I want.

81
00:06:12,461 --> 00:06:17,832
Read the fine print.
I make the corporate decisions, not you.

82
00:06:17,833 --> 00:06:20,666
You think mom was stupid? God.

83
00:06:24,006 --> 00:06:27,041
God, if that woman were alive, I'd kill her!

84
00:06:27,042 --> 00:06:29,177
Show some respect.

85
00:06:29,178 --> 00:06:31,979
By the way,
you won't be alone in your new time slot.

86
00:06:31,980 --> 00:06:34,982
-I've decided to partner you with someone.
-What?

87
00:06:34,983 --> 00:06:37,318
She's a fan of yours,
if you can believe that.

88
00:06:37,319 --> 00:06:39,819
Been bugging me for months.

89
00:06:41,323 --> 00:06:46,423
-I don't want a partner.
-It's not a question of want.

90
00:06:48,030 --> 00:06:50,631
Gary, this is Valerie Cardoza.

91
00:06:50,632 --> 00:06:53,192
Valerie, meet Gary Grover.

92
00:06:53,268 --> 00:06:55,503
It's a pleasure to finally meet you.

93
00:06:55,504 --> 00:06:59,006
I've been a fan of yours
since your Pittsburgh days.

94
00:06:59,007 --> 00:07:03,878
-I went to college there.
-I'm warning you, don't do this.

95
00:07:03,879 --> 00:07:07,474
Gary, your material sucks.

96
00:07:08,283 --> 00:07:13,653
I think you should listen
to some of Miss Cardoza's ideas.

97
00:07:17,526 --> 00:07:21,796
I wouldn't be here
if I didn't think I could help, Gary.

98
00:07:21,797 --> 00:07:23,965
I think what you're doing is great.

99
00:07:23,966 --> 00:07:27,201
The problem is
the audience hasn't figured you out yet.

100
00:07:27,202 --> 00:07:32,942
All you need is more time
and maybe a little help with some...

101
00:07:33,342 --> 00:07:37,478
Just give me a try.
If it doesn't work, I'll walk away.

102
00:07:37,479 --> 00:07:39,747
Walk away now.

103
00:07:39,748 --> 00:07:44,108
I'm not your enemy, Gary.
I'm not your sister.

104
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:49,891
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: So, for that
really big, huge, monster-sized headache,

105
00:07:49,892 --> 00:07:51,526
use new Noggin Relief.

106
00:07:51,527 --> 00:07:54,028
You won't feel a thing, really.

107
00:07:54,029 --> 00:07:57,659
MALE ANNOUNCER: This is KWMG,
Lancaster.

108
00:07:59,802 --> 00:08:01,636
GARY: Welcome to Grover's Graveyard.

109
00:08:01,637 --> 00:08:05,947
The show that gets you up
from six feet under.

110
00:08:07,676 --> 00:08:08,776
(SlGHS)

111
00:08:08,777 --> 00:08:10,444
Oh, baby.

112
00:08:10,445 --> 00:08:14,040
You are... You are so hot.

113
00:08:15,083 --> 00:08:17,952
I'm gonna take your shoe off now.
Is that okay? Can I do that?

114
00:08:17,953 --> 00:08:20,453
Yeah.

115
00:08:20,656 --> 00:08:23,682
Now, I think the stocking.

116
00:08:26,195 --> 00:08:29,430
Yes, baby, you have got the most
beautiful legs I've ever seen,

117
00:08:29,431 --> 00:08:33,311
but I bet you hear that a lot, don't you?

118
00:08:34,937 --> 00:08:37,531
-VALERlE: Gary?
-Yeah?

119
00:08:40,108 --> 00:08:44,212
You don't have to take my other
stocking off because it's already off.

120
00:08:44,213 --> 00:08:46,314
-What're you...
-ln fact,

121
00:08:46,315 --> 00:08:50,818
all I have on is this white, silk,
see-through dress.

122
00:08:50,819 --> 00:08:54,889
Can't you see the shape of my body
through it?

123
00:08:54,890 --> 00:08:59,760
I don't like underwear, Gary.
I find it too constricting.

124
00:08:59,761 --> 00:09:05,233
I like to feel the nice, soft breeze
hum all over every part of me.

125
00:09:05,234 --> 00:09:09,724
Let me take my dress off
so you can look at me.

126
00:09:14,610 --> 00:09:17,110
Do you like what you see?

127
00:09:19,281 --> 00:09:21,781
Oh, yeah.

128
00:09:22,651 --> 00:09:25,951
Let me feel what I do to you, Gary.

129
00:09:26,688 --> 00:09:29,623
Oh, my. Did I do that?

130
00:09:30,392 --> 00:09:34,595
VALERlE: What're you...
Oh, Gary, you're an animal.

131
00:09:34,596 --> 00:09:39,267
This studio...
I've never even done it like this before.

132
00:09:39,268 --> 00:09:42,795
Oh, Gary, I just can't resist you.

133
00:09:42,871 --> 00:09:45,139
Take me, Gary. Faster...

134
00:09:45,140 --> 00:09:47,341
I'll take your calls right after this message.

135
00:09:47,342 --> 00:09:51,946
Yes, I can take it.
Give me everything you've got.

136
00:09:51,947 --> 00:09:53,714
How was that?

137
00:09:53,715 --> 00:09:57,014
Honey, I'm back.

138
00:09:58,487 --> 00:10:00,488
(VALERlE AND GARY GRUNTlNG)

139
00:10:00,489 --> 00:10:02,790
Yes!

140
00:10:02,791 --> 00:10:07,160
-Did you? You know...
-No. Did you?

141
00:10:08,196 --> 00:10:10,696
No.

142
00:10:13,568 --> 00:10:17,505
That's right, Lancaster,
it's Bizarre Sex Act Thursday.

143
00:10:17,506 --> 00:10:21,842
I don't know about you, but things here
in the studio are getting a little fluffy,

144
00:10:21,843 --> 00:10:23,444
if you know what I'm saying.

145
00:10:23,445 --> 00:10:25,646
Now, I wanna hear the weirdest,
the strangest,

146
00:10:25,647 --> 00:10:29,083
the most unquestionably perverse things
that you've ever done.

147
00:10:29,084 --> 00:10:34,989
And I wanna hear it now. I want it hot.
I want it nasty. Deal with it. Deal with it.

148
00:10:34,990 --> 00:10:37,425
And, Mom, if you're listening,
I don't want to know about it.

149
00:10:37,426 --> 00:10:39,994
Let's go to the phones, shall we?

150
00:10:39,995 --> 00:10:43,631
-You're on the air. Shock me.
-FEMALE CALLER: Hi, Gary.

151
00:10:43,632 --> 00:10:45,066
Hi, baby. What have you got for me?

152
00:10:45,067 --> 00:10:47,268
What's the most bizarre act
you've ever done?

153
00:10:47,269 --> 00:10:52,173
Well, I'm doing it right now
while I'm listening to you.

154
00:10:52,174 --> 00:10:54,842
-Oh, it's so good.
-Oh, you're kidding.

155
00:10:54,843 --> 00:10:58,412
Well, I guess that would make you a nasty
little monkey woman, wouldn't it?

156
00:10:58,413 --> 00:10:59,480
I guess so.

157
00:10:59,481 --> 00:11:02,216
Yeah, it sure would. What do you think
I ought to do about that?

158
00:11:02,217 --> 00:11:04,685
I don't know.
I could come down to your studio

159
00:11:04,686 --> 00:11:06,120
and you could spank me, ifyou want.

160
00:11:06,121 --> 00:11:07,221
Is that right?

161
00:11:07,222 --> 00:11:10,157
I live right nearby.
I could be there in just a few minutes...

162
00:11:10,158 --> 00:11:13,260
Mom, I told you never to call me here!

163
00:11:13,261 --> 00:11:15,496
(CAR CRASHlNG)

164
00:11:15,497 --> 00:11:18,399
I'm Gary Grover and we will continue.

165
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,900
I'll be right back.

166
00:11:21,970 --> 00:11:24,470
Sis.

167
00:11:25,674 --> 00:11:27,908
Guess you won't be cutting
my time, after all, huh?

168
00:11:27,909 --> 00:11:31,145
It's only been a week.
Don't flatter yourself.

169
00:11:31,146 --> 00:11:33,047
I want you to have a wonderful night

170
00:11:33,048 --> 00:11:36,117
in that nice little house of yours,
all by yourself.

171
00:11:36,118 --> 00:11:38,753
Hey, why don't you listen to the show?

172
00:11:38,754 --> 00:11:44,974
It's the most exciting thing
that will ever creep into your bedroom.

173
00:11:46,862 --> 00:11:49,932
Damn! Somebody please hose me off.

174
00:11:51,299 --> 00:11:56,829
You're feeling it, too, aren't you?
The chemistry, the heat.

175
00:11:59,841 --> 00:12:02,751
Listen, this isn't really the...

176
00:12:07,482 --> 00:12:10,217
Oh, God, I love having you in my head.

177
00:12:10,218 --> 00:12:12,808
Oh, God, I love being there.

178
00:12:19,461 --> 00:12:21,629
(ON RADlO) Hi, neighbors,
Doctor Hilla-va-drilla here

179
00:12:21,630 --> 00:12:23,130
from the Lancaster dental office.

180
00:12:23,131 --> 00:12:26,133
When's the last time you opened your
mouth up nice and wide

181
00:12:26,134 --> 00:12:28,769
and had somebody give you
their professional opinion?

182
00:12:28,770 --> 00:12:34,575
At the dental office, the inside of your
mouth is very important to us.

183
00:12:34,576 --> 00:12:36,477
GARY: So, Larry from Lancaster,
let me get this straight.

184
00:12:36,478 --> 00:12:38,946
You tell me
you have a problem with the fact

185
00:12:38,947 --> 00:12:42,183
that you came home and caught your wife
in bed with another woman.

186
00:12:42,184 --> 00:12:44,051
Is that what you told me?

187
00:12:44,052 --> 00:12:46,320
LARRY: I've got a big problem with that,
but I figured,

188
00:12:46,321 --> 00:12:48,823
if she's going to have an affair,
why couldn't it be normal?

189
00:12:48,824 --> 00:12:49,890
You know, like, with another man.

190
00:12:49,891 --> 00:12:52,460
Let me tell you something, pal.

191
00:12:52,461 --> 00:12:55,996
You catch colon cancer,
that's a problem.

192
00:12:55,997 --> 00:12:58,999
Your dog dies, it's your best friend,
that's a problem.

193
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,403
You catch your wife in bed
with another woman, not a problem.

194
00:13:02,404 --> 00:13:06,073
Know how many losers from Lancaster
would die to be in your shoes, Larry?

195
00:13:06,074 --> 00:13:08,075
-Do you?
-Oh, heck, my friends, they...

196
00:13:08,076 --> 00:13:10,678
You out of your mind?
Why didn't you jump in?

197
00:13:10,679 --> 00:13:12,646
Grab the moment. Jump in there.

198
00:13:12,647 --> 00:13:14,748
You know what?
You don't even deserve to jump in.

199
00:13:14,749 --> 00:13:16,484
Here's what you do.
Send them down to me.

200
00:13:16,485 --> 00:13:19,186
That's right, baby. Send them to me.
Me and Val will tighten them up.

201
00:13:19,187 --> 00:13:21,789
We know what to do with nasty little girls
like that, don't we, Val?

202
00:13:21,790 --> 00:13:23,224
Oh, now, come on. If you're trying to...

203
00:13:23,225 --> 00:13:25,126
You're a loser, Larry,
you always were a loser.

204
00:13:25,127 --> 00:13:27,627
Get off my radio station.

205
00:13:27,896 --> 00:13:30,865
So, insomniacs, that ends another evening

206
00:13:30,866 --> 00:13:35,035
of the sexiest show
you'll ever see on the radio.

207
00:13:35,036 --> 00:13:39,056
Those of you just going off to work, suffer.

208
00:13:40,142 --> 00:13:42,642
That was great.

209
00:13:42,978 --> 00:13:47,148
-What's the matter?
-That was definitely cool.

210
00:13:47,149 --> 00:13:49,383
Thanks a lot.

211
00:13:49,384 --> 00:13:51,894
I was talking to the chick.

212
00:13:55,790 --> 00:14:00,094
Don't get too comfy
in that drive time slot, buddy.

213
00:14:00,095 --> 00:14:03,135
Val! Val, will you wait a minute?

214
00:14:03,732 --> 00:14:06,367
What's the matter?
Why'd you run outta there?

215
00:14:06,368 --> 00:14:08,369
It's the show.

216
00:14:08,370 --> 00:14:10,304
What is wrong with the show?
The show's great.

217
00:14:10,305 --> 00:14:13,641
Next rating book that comes out, we'll be
ready to expand to the entire station.

218
00:14:13,642 --> 00:14:16,510
-What's the problem?
-Not if we keep doing what we're doing.

219
00:14:16,511 --> 00:14:17,645
What're you talking about?

220
00:14:17,646 --> 00:14:20,014
-All we ever talk about is sex.
-Yeah, so?

221
00:14:20,015 --> 00:14:21,115
What's the problem with that?

222
00:14:21,116 --> 00:14:22,283
That's what our audience wants to hear.

223
00:14:22,284 --> 00:14:24,185
No, that's all we give them.

224
00:14:24,186 --> 00:14:25,653
-We're better than that.
-No.

225
00:14:25,654 --> 00:14:28,422
You see, they want to forget
about their pathetic, impotent lives.

226
00:14:28,423 --> 00:14:29,823
It's called escapism, entertainment.

227
00:14:29,824 --> 00:14:33,184
-Whats the matter?
-Do you trust me?

228
00:14:34,629 --> 00:14:37,398
-Just take me home and find out.
-Jesus!

229
00:14:37,399 --> 00:14:39,899
Val!

230
00:14:40,101 --> 00:14:42,601
Am I gonna see you later?

231
00:14:44,105 --> 00:14:46,440
FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
Haven't gotten any action lately?

232
00:14:46,441 --> 00:14:49,043
Okay, so, we'll start off
with the "Unfaithfully Yours" sketch.

233
00:14:49,044 --> 00:14:51,879
Ought to get some juicy confessions
on that one.

234
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:56,800
About 2:30,
I think we'll go to "Fantastic Fetishes."

235
00:15:00,589 --> 00:15:04,091
Okay, let's say we did
talk about something else.

236
00:15:04,092 --> 00:15:05,859
What, for instance, might that be?

237
00:15:05,860 --> 00:15:07,528
You have a lot of strong opinions, Gary.

238
00:15:07,529 --> 00:15:09,530
Why don't you say what you feel
for a change?

239
00:15:09,531 --> 00:15:12,031
About what?

240
00:15:12,801 --> 00:15:15,703
Hey, Lancaster, it's Gary Grover.
How're you'll doing?

241
00:15:15,704 --> 00:15:18,204
Tonight...

242
00:15:18,740 --> 00:15:21,240
Tonight, I though that...

243
00:15:21,376 --> 00:15:25,579
I have something for you
that's gonna be a little...

244
00:15:25,580 --> 00:15:28,080
A little different.

245
00:15:29,384 --> 00:15:31,018
I don't know about you,
but I've got a headache,

246
00:15:31,019 --> 00:15:34,669
so I thought that we might talk about...

247
00:15:35,557 --> 00:15:38,057
Come on.

248
00:15:41,730 --> 00:15:45,670
Anger, let's talk about anger for a minute.

249
00:15:47,068 --> 00:15:49,568
Anger is a good thing.

250
00:15:49,971 --> 00:15:55,971
Not that it's, you know,
good to be angry at someone but it's...

251
00:15:58,046 --> 00:16:00,746
But sometimes there are things

252
00:16:00,815 --> 00:16:08,885
in our lives that we are legitimately angry
about and if you don't let that anger out...

253
00:16:11,293 --> 00:16:13,894
Let's talk about authority figures,
shall we?

254
00:16:13,895 --> 00:16:18,866
I just can't stand anyone in this world
who has authority over me and abuses it.

255
00:16:18,867 --> 00:16:23,947
You give some loser... A loser!
...a uniform or a suit,

256
00:16:24,406 --> 00:16:28,275
and all of a sudden, they think they're God,
making our lives miserable. Why?

257
00:16:28,276 --> 00:16:30,776
Because they can.

258
00:16:38,987 --> 00:16:43,087
Have I ever told you people
about my mother?

259
00:16:44,125 --> 00:16:48,362
My mother owned
a lot of radio stations in her day.

260
00:16:48,363 --> 00:16:50,097
Not that I was ever employed
in any of them

261
00:16:50,098 --> 00:16:53,767
because, you see,
she didn't wanna spoil us.

262
00:16:53,768 --> 00:16:57,438
And when she died, what do you think
this loving, nurturing woman

263
00:16:57,439 --> 00:16:59,707
Ieft me in her will?

264
00:16:59,708 --> 00:17:02,700
Her Chicago station? No.

265
00:17:03,912 --> 00:17:06,412
Her Minneapolis station? No.

266
00:17:07,882 --> 00:17:13,320
All she left me was half
of her Lancaster station.

267
00:17:14,322 --> 00:17:16,822
Half.

268
00:17:16,958 --> 00:17:20,048
And do you know why she did this?

269
00:17:20,228 --> 00:17:24,358
Because after holding me back
my entire life,

270
00:17:24,599 --> 00:17:30,869
she wanted to keep me under her thumb
from beyond the grave as well!

271
00:17:31,506 --> 00:17:36,643
Have you ever heard anything more sick,
anything more perverse?

272
00:17:36,644 --> 00:17:39,012
In spite of all her success,

273
00:17:39,013 --> 00:17:45,851
my mother was just a greedy, hateful,
wretched, old, shriveled up bitch!

274
00:17:46,454 --> 00:17:52,774
I hope you're in hell, Mother,
because that's what you made my life!

275
00:18:03,004 --> 00:18:06,414
I'll be back right after these words.

276
00:18:06,908 --> 00:18:09,276
Do you realize what you just did?

277
00:18:09,277 --> 00:18:13,647
That was unbelievable.
That was better than sex.

278
00:18:13,681 --> 00:18:18,685
I am hereby giving you notice.
Tomorrow is your last show.

279
00:18:18,686 --> 00:18:20,888
You can't do that. Remember?

280
00:18:20,889 --> 00:18:22,656
Christ, will you look at those phone lines?

281
00:18:22,657 --> 00:18:25,793
Our mother's will was very, very specific.

282
00:18:25,794 --> 00:18:28,829
No one is to defame her on the air, ever.

283
00:18:28,830 --> 00:18:30,297
I'm the hottest thing you got, baby.

284
00:18:30,298 --> 00:18:32,266
You couldn't get rid of me
even if you wanted to.

285
00:18:32,267 --> 00:18:33,500
Oh, you're finished.

286
00:18:33,501 --> 00:18:35,936
All right, you wanna get rid of me? Fine.

287
00:18:35,937 --> 00:18:39,440
I don't need this place.
I can get a job in another station like that.

288
00:18:39,441 --> 00:18:42,509
Well, I'm not firing you.
I'm just taking you off the air,

289
00:18:42,510 --> 00:18:45,290
and holding onto your contract.

290
00:18:45,947 --> 00:18:50,837
No one else is gonna be able
to touch you for years.

291
00:18:54,055 --> 00:18:58,859
You can't do that to me!
I won't let you do that to me!

292
00:18:58,860 --> 00:19:01,361
-I'm sorry. This whole thing is my fault.
-It's not your fault.

293
00:19:01,362 --> 00:19:02,996
Listen, she lives for vengeance.

294
00:19:02,997 --> 00:19:07,167
Ever since we were kids, she would take
the prize out of the box of cereal,

295
00:19:07,168 --> 00:19:09,603
-or eat all the little tasty treats.
-But if l...

296
00:19:09,604 --> 00:19:14,041
Listen to me, what happened last night
was great radio. You heard the callers.

297
00:19:14,042 --> 00:19:17,444
We are onto something
and I'm not gonna let my sister stop us.

298
00:19:17,445 --> 00:19:19,813
She's got us.

299
00:19:19,814 --> 00:19:22,984
What are we going to do? Kill her?

300
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,900
That was a rhetorical question.

301
00:19:36,664 --> 00:19:39,164
Give me your hands.

302
00:19:42,203 --> 00:19:45,072
I'm gonna put something in your head
for a change.

303
00:19:45,073 --> 00:19:47,573
We won't get caught.

304
00:19:47,675 --> 00:19:49,710
-We'll kill her while we're on the air.
-What?

305
00:19:49,711 --> 00:19:54,811
She's doing this to both of us.
Val, just hear me out.

306
00:19:55,116 --> 00:19:57,985
We'll pre-tape a segment,
say 20 minutes worth,

307
00:19:57,986 --> 00:20:01,686
and around 1 :30 we'll start rolling it.

308
00:20:01,956 --> 00:20:04,992
You'll drive me to Rita's house.
I know her house.

309
00:20:04,993 --> 00:20:08,862
GARY: I'll go in the window
and make it look like a burglary.

310
00:20:08,863 --> 00:20:10,931
I'll go to her bedroom.

311
00:20:10,932 --> 00:20:16,142
And while she's asleep,
I'll kill that little rat bitch.

312
00:20:24,546 --> 00:20:27,586
What do you say, partner? For us.

313
00:20:31,753 --> 00:20:34,253
Let's do it.

314
00:20:38,426 --> 00:20:40,661
FEMALE CALLER:
Because planning so many meals a week

315
00:20:40,662 --> 00:20:42,129
and trying to keep my family satisfied

316
00:20:42,130 --> 00:20:43,530
can be hard work.

317
00:20:43,531 --> 00:20:46,900
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Mrs. Anderson
discovered the newly opened Kitchen Cove

318
00:20:46,901 --> 00:20:48,635
in downtown Lancaster.

319
00:20:48,636 --> 00:20:49,736
You ready?

320
00:20:49,737 --> 00:20:51,572
CALLER: It's great because it has
all sorts of things on the menu

321
00:20:51,573 --> 00:20:53,974
and everybody can buy things
that they like.

322
00:20:53,975 --> 00:20:58,278
Even my son, he's a tough one.
He usually doesn't like anything.

323
00:20:58,279 --> 00:21:01,348
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: The Kitchen Cove,
at 609 Main Street.

324
00:21:01,349 --> 00:21:03,849
(MUSlC PLA YlNG ON RADlO)

325
00:21:06,888 --> 00:21:10,958
GARY: It's 1:28, Lancaster,
and we are back in Grover's Graveyard.

326
00:21:10,959 --> 00:21:13,860
I thought tonight we might stroll down
a different path than last night

327
00:21:13,861 --> 00:21:15,929
just lighten it up a bit, what do you say?

328
00:21:15,930 --> 00:21:21,270
Let's talk about the crazy things
we ha ve done for love.

329
00:21:26,808 --> 00:21:30,107
-Be right back.
-Hey, be careful.

330
00:22:31,539 --> 00:22:34,841
Thanks for helping me
break in my new on-air talent.

331
00:22:34,842 --> 00:22:35,942
Rita?

332
00:22:35,943 --> 00:22:38,412
I wasn't too sure about this
self-defense thing,

333
00:22:38,413 --> 00:22:41,381
but Val's plan has worked perfectly,
right from the beginning.

334
00:22:41,382 --> 00:22:44,251
-Please.
-Hey, if it's any consolation,

335
00:22:44,252 --> 00:22:47,692
I think you finally found an audience.

336
00:22:47,822 --> 00:22:51,558
-You might've been pretty good after all.
-Don't do this.

337
00:22:51,559 --> 00:22:55,462
-I'm your brother, for God's sake.
-An accident of birth.

338
00:22:55,463 --> 00:22:57,963
Give my love to mom.

339
00:22:58,332 --> 00:23:00,832
(SCREAMS)

340
00:23:09,610 --> 00:23:12,379
GARY ON RADlO: You see,
the problem was I was nuts about her.

341
00:23:12,380 --> 00:23:16,083
And I was totally blinded
from seeing what a fool I was.

342
00:23:16,084 --> 00:23:20,187
I tell you, it's amazing sometimes,
what you'll do to close the deal.

343
00:23:20,188 --> 00:23:26,228
(ON RADlO) Folks, this is Valerie
and something awful has happened.

344
00:23:26,861 --> 00:23:29,262
I just popped out for a sandwich

345
00:23:29,263 --> 00:23:31,998
and when I got back, Gary wasn't here.

346
00:23:31,999 --> 00:23:33,100
(SNlFFLES)

347
00:23:33,101 --> 00:23:35,851
But he left this tape playing.

348
00:23:37,972 --> 00:23:43,182
I've just been notified by the police
that Gary is dead.

349
00:23:44,679 --> 00:23:47,179
He's been killed.

350
00:23:50,017 --> 00:23:52,517
It's just...

351
00:23:56,657 --> 00:23:59,667
I know that this is hard for me,

352
00:24:01,095 --> 00:24:05,156
and I'm sure it's hard for all of us,

353
00:24:09,170 --> 00:24:12,130
but at least we have each other.

354
00:24:12,940 --> 00:24:15,610
And the phone lines are open.

355
00:24:23,017 --> 00:24:24,684
Hi, this is Val.

356
00:24:24,685 --> 00:24:28,021
FEMALE CALLER: My gosh, Val,
this is such a terrible thing.

357
00:24:28,022 --> 00:24:32,392
I mean, all I can say is, I'm just so glad
we have you to talk to tonight.

358
00:24:32,393 --> 00:24:35,796
And I feel I can speak
on behalf of everyone here.

359
00:24:35,797 --> 00:24:38,165
People are gonna be talking,
let me tell you.

360
00:24:38,166 --> 00:24:41,126
We all loved the show so much...

361
00:24:42,937 --> 00:24:44,471
Poor Gary!

362
00:24:44,472 --> 00:24:48,241
Talk about being number one
with a bullet!

363
00:24:48,242 --> 00:24:50,243
(CACKLlNG)

364
00:24:50,244 --> 00:24:53,680
Looks like he'll be
the mourning man after all!

365
00:24:53,681 --> 00:24:56,181
(CACKLlNG)

366
00:24:56,184 --> 00:24:57,651
(POLlCE SlREN WAlLlNG)

367
00:24:57,652 --> 00:25:02,856
As for me, kiddies, I guess I better
start practicing what I preach.

368
00:25:02,857 --> 00:25:06,893
I got caught going a little fester
than the speed limit.

369
00:25:06,894 --> 00:25:11,814
But the officer decided to let me off
with a warning.

370
00:25:18,573 --> 00:25:22,509
See?
It pays to know the ghouls of the road.

371
00:25:22,510 --> 00:25:25,010
(CACKLlNG)