(GATE CREAKING)
(SCREECHING)
(DOG HOWLING)
(SCREECHING)
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
(CACKLING)
(CRYPTKEEPER SPEAKING)
So, then I was over in India,
you know, and I whipped up this little monsoon.
Man, I must have reaped hundreds that day.
Hundreds, just like that.
-Really? -Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Of course, I normally prefer to take souls one at a time, one at a time,
but, you know, I had taken some vacation days
and it was the end of the month, and, so, you know how it goes.
By the way, did I mention that I was in Europe?
There was an Elvis sighting there, so I figured I'd check it out,
but it was just a fat guy in a sequin suit. I took him anyway.
CRYPT KEEPER: Is this guy boring or what? All he ever talks about is himself.
I gotta remember that the next time he comes to town and wants to get together.
Oh, really?
-That's very interesting. -Yes, I thought so, too.
But enough about me.
-I want to tell you why I am here. -I know why you're here,
to eat my food and drink my liquor.
-More champagne? -Why, sure. Thanks.
Who are you saving the good stuff for?
You know, you and I have been friends for a long time,
and much as I enjoy these little visits,
it seems to me that this tomb is not quite big enough for the both of us.
What's that supposed to mean?
I want to propose a contest between you and me.
-Winner take all. -And the loser?
You're on, pal.
-One. -Two.
My rock beats your scissors.
-Damn. -Give me your hand.
Well, kiddies, looks like your pal, the Crypt Keeper, is in the fright of his life... Death...
Which is kind of like the woman in tonight's terror tale.
It's a nasty little chopping spree I call...
Chop!
(EXCLAlMS)
..."The Assassin."
That didn't hurt one bit.
-Second round? -Go for it.
Honey.
Perfect.
-I love you. -I love you.
-I want to take you away this weekend. -Where to?
Anywhere you want.
-Just as long as you're happy. -I'm happy when I'm with you.
See you tonight.
Don't forget, the Seldons are coming for dinner.
How you do it I'll never know.
Janet McKay, you are quite a woman.
Of course I am, silly. What else would I be?
(GASPS)
Excuse me, may I help you?
I hope so, Mrs. McKay. My name's Simone Bardou.
I'm with the Los Angeles Police Department.
I'd like to ask you a few questions about your husband.
-My husband? -Yes. When do you expect him home?
-At 7:00. May I ask what this is all about? -Routine matter, ma'am.
When you say 7:00, do you mean he leaves work at 7:00
or he actually arrives home at 7:00?
I think I'd better call my husband right now.
That really won't be necessary. As I said, the questions are merely a formality.
I think you should know
that my husband and I have friends in the Police Department, Miss Bardou.
Friends in high places.
Do you know Captain Landau?
Yes ma'am. I know the Captain very well.
-You do? -lt was his idea I speak with you alone.
We believe that you'd be in great danger if your husband ever found out I was here.
Danger? What're you talking about? Jeremy would never hurt anybody.
Perhaps not the Jeremy you know.
But the man I'm acquainted with
would kill a man as casually as he'd pull the wings off a fly.
You're crazy.
"Say goodnight, Gracie."
(MOANS)
The bitch went for the phone. I had no choice.
TODD: Come on. She had you nailed from the get go.
-SIMONE: You're wrong. -William, am I wrong?
WILLIAM: From the get go.
You walk right into my house, cop or no cop, I'm gonna blow your head off.
-Wasn't very smart. -Smart?
We're not even talking about smart, don't mention the other thing.
What a boner.
You're both so full of shit, like you could have done better.
TODD: Hello, cloak-and-dagger 101. SIMONE: Shut up!
She's coming around.
(MUMBLES)
What did she say?
Well, it sounds like "closer, closer."
She wants the drink moved closer. She's thirsty.
No. If she wanted a drink, she'd say, "drink" or "Scotch."
She wouldn't say, "Puh." Use your head.
Who cares how she says it. Just give her the drink.
No wait.
(MUMBLES)
Look, look, see.
Coaster.
Use a coaster.
-Yes. -Damn it!
How did I get stuck with the two of you as my clean up crew?
Listen, I would look in the mirror if I were you, okay?
'Cause I'm not the only one who's got this bitch figured out back-asswards, all right?
Question time, lady.
This Captain Landau you mentioned, fact or fiction?
-Don't answer. I don't want to know. -Fiction.
She fed you a line. You took it in the cheek hook, line and sinker.
Now, I beg your pardon, but who is stuck with whom here?
Look, I couldn't take the chance.
Why would she lie to me about something like that anyway?
'Cause she's onto your pathetic cop routine, that's why.
Bullshit.
Something about this bitch that makes me very nervous.
Why would you lie to me like that?
Because you're dumb.
No policeman in his right mind would break into someone's home.
What a mess.
Women are always bleeding on the furniture.
Let's grab some munchies.
Sorry. Hope that doesn't stain.
That's a real kicker.
Your hubby used to glare at me just like that, real fire in his eyes.
-He ever tell you about us? I bet not. -What about you?
We were an item once upon a time.
But we'll save the girl talk for later, shall we?
I don't know how you eat those things.
It's grain. It's good for you.
I love the decor in the kitchen. Did you do that yourself, ma'am?
Would somebody please tell me what this is all about?
I have a dinner party tonight.
That's a good one.
She has a dinner party tonight. I like that.
Wanna know what this is about?
-We're here to kill Ronald Wald. -Who?
-SlMONE: Your husband. -My husband's name is Jeremy McKay.
But in a former life it was Ronald Wald.
Okay, Ronald was an operative for a covert group within the ClA,
set up to eradicate certain problematic situations.
Radicals on US soil.
Hush-hush situations where the President felt
it was better for that individual to just disappear
than for the entire nation to just air its dirty laundry.
My husband worked for the President?
-Your husband was an assassin. -One of the best.
And then a few years ago, he just up and disappeared.
Left a letter behind saying
he thought that The Company was trying to set him up.
Of course, they were. But in our line of work, you don't just quit.
The Company retires you when they're ready not before.
And this man you think is my husband,
this Ronald Wald, nobody has seen him since?
Exactly. Vanished into thin air until now.
No. No!
You idiots. You have the wrong man.
This isn't my husband. This doesn't even look like my husband.
This...
This is my husband. This is the man I'm married to.
Jeremy McKay, see?
I said the man is an AWOL assassin for the ClA.
He has been missing for five years.
Do you really think he could avoid us for this long walking around in his own skin?
He's changed his appearance, you stupid cow.
He's changed his hair, his face, his fingerprints. He's a new man.
-But he got sloppy. He forgot one thing. -His teeth.
That's right, his teeth.
Two weeks ago, we matched a set of dental records on the NSA computer
with a Ronald Wald and a J. McKay in Chatsworth, California.
Now, after all these years, it just so happens
that your husband decided that he wanted to have a little problem tooth capped.
That little vanity cost him his cover.
Ring a bell?
I don't understand.
Mrs. McKay, your husband has some very unusual bridgework.
So unusual, in fact,
that his dentist plugged into a dental forum on the lnternet
to get some help from his fellow tooth fairies.
Now, it just happens, on pure fluke, one of our spooks was listening to the exchange.
Well, we ran his x-rays through our computer, well...
Here we are.
Your husband's been a very bad boy. Time to clean up his mess.
It's going to take me about three hours to set up.
I'd like to get started, if it's all right with you.
Do it. Take her to the basement. Put a gun in her mouth.
We have a no witness policy here, Mrs. McKay. I'm sure you understand.
Let's go for a walk.
(WILLIAM SCATTING)
I haven't done anything, please.
Chalk it up to being born helpless and pretty.
Okay, here we go.
Problem is we don't want anybody getting in on our business.
Throw light on the subject.
I don't wanna frighten you in the dark, you know.
Coming down these stairs, you know, this is scary.
Look at that.
You know, Mrs. McKay, it's always the toughest first time to whack somebody.
After that, you generally get used to it.
Well, not you, of course, because it will be your only time.
Got one little critique for you, though. The kitchen floor.
Ceramic tile is out. Kitchen carpeting is the way to go.
Trust me, I don't know if you can tell that or not
but just look at me and you'll know it's true.
Oh, gee, I don't want to get into the whole thing, you know.
(BUZZING)
I like this.
This is a nice set up you got here.
Let me ask you a question, Mrs. McKay. What do you prefer?
Do you prefer the StairMaster or the bike?
-Treadmill. -Treadmill? Yeah, me, too. Yeah.
Yeah, tightens the old buns, you know what I'm saying?
Good buns to tighten, too. I got some tight buns. You should feel them.
Go ahead, grab them. It's all right.
-See? See what I mean? Yeah. -You're right.
-That's nice. -Thank you, I know.
-Don't kill me. -Mrs. McKay, just, you know, stop that.
I've got a job to do.
You've got a job to do. Your job is to die. My job is to kill you.
-So sit down and just, you know... -But what about sex, Todd?
Well, what about it? I mean, you know, personally speaking,
I think it's, you know, a lot of hard work to smell somebody's bad breath,
personally. But that's just me.
-That's not true. -You know...
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Mrs. McKay.
-Slow down, okay? You know... -I could show you.
-You could? -Don't you like girls?
Yeah, I like girls just fine, Mrs. McKay.
I... I...
I just think they kind of find me creepy, you know what I mean?
I don't find you creepy.
-You don't? -No.
-Come on. Come on. -Mrs. McKay.
-I really think you should stop now... -I know just how you like it.
No, you don't.
-Yes, I do. -You couldn't possibly know
-how I like it, all right? -Come on.
Okay? All right. Just stop, please. Take your hand off me.
Take your...
-Take your hand off of me, Mrs. McKay. -Just the way you like it.
Come on, Todd.
-Hey, Mrs. McKay... -Why don't you take me this way, Todd?
Yeah...
Mrs. McKay, that is the way I like it.
Mrs. McKay, I'm still gonna kill you when I'm finished.
(YELLS)
Whoa! Whoa!
Hey, Mrs. McKay. Mrs. McKay. Stop it. Stop it!
Stop it! Stop! Mrs. McKay!
Mrs. McKay, stop it.
(SCREAMlNG)
Help me. Help...
Help me.
(NECK SNAPS)
(WHISTLING)
Are we ready yet?
You know, I would very much like to make my 12-step program tonight.
Oh, don't worry. We'll be out of here way before then.
I'd like them both to leave in a two-ply garbage bag.
-Drawstring or twistie top? -Which ever.
What the hell is keeping him?
-I'll be right back. -Chop-chop.
(SCATTING)
(WHIRRING)
So, did she go out sniveling or did she take it like a man?
Todd?
(EXCLAIMS)
(GUN FIRES)
(GASPS)
Son of a bitch!
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Okay.
We have to talk.
Who are you?
I'm your worst nightmare, a woman with balls.
You don't have balls, lady.
You don't know the first thing about them.
I've disemboweled a man while he was screwing me.
That took balls.
I've shot my own people in the head so as not to blow my cover.
I even let your husband use me up while he held a loaded gun to my head.
Why? Because I knew it really turned him on.
Does he still like the rough stuff, huh?
Does he still like it when you bite his neck so hard that it draws blood?
-Does he? Does he? -Yes.
See, you can change the way you look, but you can't change what you're made of.
To tell you the truth, it's gonna be really good to see him.
-It's been such a long time. -Not long enough, Gwen.
-What did you just call me? -(IN MAN'S VOICE) I called you Gwen.
At least that's what you told me your name was when we were dating.
I would've thought you of all people would have something nice to say
about my new bridgework.
Ronald?
Goodbye, Gwen.
I'd love to reminisce a little longer, but as I said before,
I have a dinner party at 7:00.
(GUN FIRES)
(BEEPING)
Oh, my God, it's 5:00.
I really have my work cut out for me.
Well, you and your friends will just have to help.
Round we go.
JEREMY: And the ball was heading straight for the hole.
I am looking at a birdie,
and out of nowhere comes this ground squirrel, steals the ball
and I suppose is putting it away for the winter.
Honey, only a squirrel could ruin your perfect putting.
-More salad anyone? -No. Fine, thank you.
Darn it.
Honey, look what Larry found.
(GASPS)
Sweetheart, it was a joke. Larry's just kidding around.
Well, it isn't funny. I nearly had a heart attack.
-What are you doing later? -I don't know. What did you have in mind?
-I bought a new paddle. -You did?
Yes, I did.
And when daddy gets through spanking mommy, maybe we can play spy.
Only if you bite Ronnie right here, just where I like it.
-Bite who? Who's Ronnie? -I said "mommy". Bite mommy.
Great flavor. What's in it?
Just a little something some friends helped me throw together.
How you do it I'll never know.
Janet McKay, you are quite a woman.
Of course I am, silly.
(IN MAN'S VOICE) What else would I be?
-CRYPT KEEPER: One, two, three. -Damn!
That Janet, she must be a hell of a cook.
I don't know about you, kiddies, but l found Simone pretty hard to swallow.
(CACKLING)
Personally, I wouldn't have made them into a stew.
I think creeps suzette would have been much more appropriate.
(CACKLING)
Ready?
Well, looks like I won.
Hey, what are you talking about? I am still here.
Let's play again. Come on. Double or nothing.
Take my advice, pal, quit while you're a head.
(CACKLING)