(GATE CREAKlNG)
(SCREECHlNG)
(DOG HOWLlNG)
(SCREECHlNG)
(lNDlSTlNCT WHlSPERlNG)
(CACKLlNG)
(CRYPTKEEPER SPEAKlNG)
(CRYPT KEEPER HUMMlNG DECK THE HALLS WlTH BOUGHS OF HOLL Y)
(SlNGlNG) La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
Deck the halls with parts of Charlie
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Make the Yuletide gross and gnarly
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
(CACKLl NG )
Oh, hello, creeps.
It's me, your favorite holiday spirit, doing a little Cryptmas decorating.
Boy, do I love this time of year.
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your...
(SNAPPlNG)
Hey, Jack, get away from me.
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMlNG)
I guess he's off my Christmas chopping list.
Which brings to mind tonight's terror tale.
It's about two martial artists who do some chopping of their own
in a tasteless fright to the finish I call "The Pit."
SPORTSCASTER: We're down to the final moments here
in this brutal, awesome display ofraw power and stamina.
Both of these fighters ha ve endured more punishment
than any fight that I can remember.
A vicious exchange.
Ladies and gentlemen, I can't believe these guys are still on their feet.
Will you look at the punishment each one is doling out
and the punishment each one is taking?
Scott is downed by a vicious blow to the head,
but he is back up, unbelievably.
Don't these guys know when to quit? What is their limit?
How can they endure this much pain?
Another vicious exchange and a crushing reverse kick.
Ladies and gentlemen, Johnson comes back
with a quick exchange of blows.
I've never, in all of my years of broadcasting,
seen anything as vicious and fabulous as this fight.
How can any one human being endure this?
Oh, and a vicious cross to the face.
They're squaring off.
Neither one is standing very steadily,
yet they're still viciously fighting it out.
Another vicious cross, and a counter.
Ladies and gentlemen, this can't go on much longer.
Neither one has any strength left.
(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
Man. That's incredible, don't you think? That really is amazing.
Now, since the match was declared a draw,
a certain amount of controversy has developed as to how it all went down.
-I thought it was a good fight. -Yeah, it was a clean fight.
I mean, people got their money's worth.
Of course, if I had another round, I would have finished it.
Yeah, right.
Hey, I had the only knockdown, remember?
Look, I still had you on points.
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
All right, now, but what about the rumors
that sabotage forced the judges
to disqualify all weapons during the match?
I mean, that could have affected the outcome.
-Yeah, well... -The only person who needed sabotage
to help win the fight would be Felix Johnson.
Now, that's just the low-class kind of remark you'd expect
from someone with Aubrey Scott's background.
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
Excuse me, Miss Private School (BLEEP).
I'd just like to know if either of you ladies ever feel trapped
in the shadows of your husbands,
or if you've ever considered resuming your own careers.
Well, as long as promoters are unwilling to pay the same
for women's events as they do for the males',
I am more than happy to let old Felix here bring home the bacon.
Amazing. This old cow finally said something I can agree with.
I mean, why should we go out and punish ourselves
when these guys can make double, triple, what we can?
Besides, who would pay money to see a burnt-out has-been like Aubrey
do anything except maybe rinse her hair to see what color she's using this month?
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
If I hear the name Johnson one more time,
I'm gonna personally come down there, dip your face in battery acid,
and send pictures to your kids!
I don't care how you do it, Lou.
All I care about is that Aaron gets this part.
You tell those wimpy producers,
if they can't make up their puny little minds...
I'm going to pay them a visit and help focus their attention.
I don't care if Schwarzenegger wants to bend over for all of them.
You get Felix that part or you're gonna be dangling by your you-know-what
over lnterstate 10 during rush hour.
My husband will be the Pulverizer, or else.
Jesus, Andrea, I'm only eight-tenths of a second off my pace.
I am not willing to concede eight-tenths of anything
to that slime, Aubrey Scott.
-Honey? -Yeah?
I'm gonna slip out for a while.
How about getting a little slippery right here first?
Oh, come on.
-Aaron, please. Come on, stop it. -Come on, baby.
Knock it off, you moron.
I'm sorry, Aubrey.
Look, why don't you order up some room service,
watch a little Three Stooges on TV?
I'll be back in time to tuck you in, okay?
Okay.
You hold that thought.
Don't start without me, baby.
It's got drama, it's got pathos,
not to mention 20 million viewers worldwide.
Evander Holyfield versus Mike Tyson, live from the lndiana State Prison.
What more does he want?
Jesus Christ, how the hell did this idiot ever become governor?
Hold it, hold it.
Just tell me what his favorite perversion is.
I'll have it delivered with bells on.
No, just call me when it's done.
God, am I bored.
We had waited three years for this match-up,
and we were not disappointed.
Take a look at this action.
It was wall-to-wall, non-stop body blows, body slams, killer kicks.
Just when you thought one had the advantage,
here comes the other, exploding like a bomb.
We knew there was no love between Johnson or Scott,
but this is unbelievable stuff.
It's hard to imagine how one of them was going to beat the other
without killing him first.
Maybe they're both better off that the match was declared a draw.
You know, word out west is that both of these guys are up for the lead
in the new 20th Century Fox film Pulverizer.
Supposed to be a war going on between Johnson and Scott's agents
as they each try to land the role for their client.
Well, you tell that slut Aubrey Scott
that The Pulverizer is an action-drama, not slapstick comedy.
But if she's determined on embarrassing her husband,
I hear they're casting Police Academy 10. Excuse me.
Oh, gosh. Felix Johnson. He couldn't act his way
out of a locker room towel fight.
You know, I think the only reason
the producers are going through with this whole charade is for publicity.
You know, maybe Andrea and Felix have a future in game shows.
I don't know.
Be careful what you wish for, guys. You just may get it.
In other sports, plenty of NFL action for you. In fact...
Miss P., Miss P., get me Judd Campbell's office in Hollywood.
I've got a $100 million idea.
A Malaysian-rules death match, Johnson versus Scott.
The match of the century.
Kaos in the Kage!
It's magnificent.
Is this magnificent?
Well, the Romans would surely approve.
You know, I remember staying up all night watching you
when you won the gold medal in Barcelona.
I was sure you were going to turn pro after that.
In fact, I was kind of looking forward to promoting
some special events with you.
Let me get this straight. You said Malaysian rules?
Yeah. No time limit. No restrictions on moves or weapons.
Anything goes, you know, till one man concedes
or is rendered totally unconscious.
Define "totally unconscious."
Kind of like your husband is already.
I knew I smelled dead fish in here.
My, my, my. Would you look at this? Would you look at this?
You're even more beautiful
than when I saw you win the nationals in Minneapolis.
Oh, yeah, I remember that night.
Felix and I were stranded in a blizzard in Denver.
Had to forfeit my match.
Lucky break for you, Aubrey.
Listen, you bitch, I've already kicked your ass
earlier this year in Johannesburg.
I had the flu.
Well, I'll kick it again, right here, right now,
unless, of course, you're coming down with something.
-Are you forgetting Pittsburgh, May '92? -No, I remember.
Heard you only had to fuck, what, two judges to win that one?
Oh, you lying whore.
I ought to rip that ugly wig you call your hair right off your head.
You go ahead, baby. You give it your best shot.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Girls, girls, let's try and be gentlemen about this, huh?
Now, we're talking about 30 million pay-per-view subscriptions worldwide,
not to mention the live game, not to mention HBO.
And the winner of the match will become the new star
of the brand-new Fox feature Pulverizer.
Now, I just happen to have in my pocket the signed contracts
from the Judd Campbell office guaranteeing the role to the winner.
Need I say more?
Now, let's get a grip on this, girls.
In my scenario, even the loser of the match,
and his wife, of course,
are gonna walk out of that pit with about $10 million.
Now, that's enough dead presidents to make anybody forget
about a little old Hollywood premiere, don't you agree?
Malaysian death match? How could you agree to that?
What's the big deal?
It only took you 10 minutes
to put Hong Lee on permanent disability last year.
Yeah, that's right, but Hong Lee is no Aaron Scott.
And besides, the last time me and Felix went at it,
the judges called it a draw.
Well, there's not gonna be any draws this time, baby.
Listen, that's exactly what I mean.
I mean, we're gonna have to hurt each other.
Oh, you're gonna have to do more than hurt him.
You're gonna have to drop him dead.
But I kind of like the guy. He's cool.
No, you don't like him. You hate him.
He is a piece of gum stuck to your shoe.
Listen, honey, even if I lose, I mean, we'll still be richer than God.
I don't give a rat's ass about the money.
I am not about to let this stuck-up Boston bitch...
That no-class Texas tramp...
24-karat phony...
That trailer park trash...
-Get one over... -On me.
-You're gonna go in there... -And you're gonna kick some butt.
You're gonna win that match...
And get me to Hollywood.
-ls that... -Clear?
-Okay, sugar. -Okay, honey.
SPORTSCASTER ON PA: And here in the grand auditorium,
Felix Johnson is in the best shape ofhis career
as he continues to train
for the long-awaited rematch with Aaron Scott.
Now, this will be one of the biggest pay-per-view events in history.
Now, if orders continue at their present rate,
we're looking at an audience of about 50 million people
from 40 different countries.
-You okay? -Y eah.
Whirling dervish. Whirling dervish!
(YELLlNG)
The whole world said you could not put these two fighters together.
This is a promoter's dream, a...
MAN: Somebody get Security!
Ladies and gentlemen, amateur hour is over.
Say hello to the one, the only, the phenomenal Aaron Scott.
Bitch!
(GRUNTlNG)
Get him! Get him!
And that's merely just a taste
of what Felix Johnson will be getting this Friday night.
-Come on, Felix! Me and you, right now! -Come on. Come on.
I'm gonna kill her.
I'm gonna rip her heart out.
Come on, you chickenshit. I'll take you right now.
Come on, you bitch. Let's go right now. Right now, bitch!
Let go of me. Get... What the hell? Come on!
I'm gonna kick your ass!
Trust me, folks, you've never seen anything like this before,
and you will never see it again.
Johnson versus Scott. Kaos in the Kage.
Don't miss it!
Wondering how much launch you need to get up on that platform?
Nope.
I'm wondering if coyote dung is a good cactus fertilizer.
-I grow them, you know. -No, I didn't.
-Cactuses. -Cacti.
I got a whole farm of them over in Arizona.
But I got these coyotes shitting all over the place,
and if they mess up my crop,
I swear, I'll single-handedly put the little bastards
on the endangered species list.
A man's gotta have a hobby, right?
I mean, can't keep doing this forever, can we?
Yeah, it's gonna be a mess, all right.
I can handle it.
-You bet. -So can you.
You bet.
How did it come down to this, I wonder?
I mean, how did we let it go this far?
There's only two reasons I can think of,
both of them female.
No turning back now, I guess.
You having second thoughts?
Not really. You?
No.
I guess I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Yeah.
I guess I am, too.
I'll take it. Just put it on our bill.
(TELEPHONE RlNGlNG)
-Yes? -MAN: Andrea Johnson?
What?
That dismal bitch!
(TELEPHONE RlNGlNG)
-Hello? -MAN: Aubrey Scott?
Who is this?
Are you sure?
Are you sure about this?
(GRUNTS)
Damn her!
I'm done.
You can go.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
-What the hell are you doing here? -You first.
I came down to see what a cheating, low-life scum your husband is.
Really?
Looks to me like you're the only one doing the cheating, low-life scum thing.
Well, rumor has it Felix modified his weapons,
added a few little nasty surprises.
You know, you are such a lying sack of silicone.
The only surprise going on around here
is how you actually thought that you could sabotage his weapons.
I don't need to sabotage weapons. Felix is a loser.
But then again, I guess you'd know that.
That's how he ended up with you, isn't it?
Funny, I don't remember being the loser
working in a Cleveland mud wrestling dump.
-That was just an exhibition. -Oh, for two years?
You know, Aubrey, I don't really give a shit if Felix gets that job or not.
All I care about is that you never see the inside of a movie studio, ever.
Well, isn't that a shame?
'Cause as soon as I get done kicking your gold-plated, fat ass
into the has-been locker room, I'm on the first plane back to LA.
What the hell?
(MAN APPLAUDlNG)
(CROWD APPLAUDlNG)
-You! This is your doing. -Fuck you.
(CROWD CHEERlNG)
SPORTSCASTER: Underway, live from Las Vegas,
a Malaysian-rules death match.
Johnson versus Scott, the match of the century.
Kaos in the Kage!
Come on.
FELlX: Man! Andrea never hit me that hard.
AARON: Yeah. The last time Aubrey used her claws like that,
I had to get three stitches in my back.
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
Okay.
Well, guys, the producers loved your idea,
and they're putting the writers on it first thing tomorrow.
Yeah! Well, how hard can it be to rewrite a movie script, anyway?
-Yeah. Besides, I like buddy pictures. -Hey, that makes two of us, bro.
I can see it all now.
The new Newman and Redford. The new Glover and Gibson.
We have got Johnson and Scott starring in...
-The Pulverizers! -The Pulverizers!
They're gonna kill each other down there.
That's the whole idea, isn't it?
I guess, in the end, the choke was on the girls.
Choke hold, that is.
(CACKLlNG)
I don't know about you, kiddies, but my money's on Aubrey.
I think she's a little fester to the punch.
Well, you know what they say. The scream always rises.
(CACKLlNG)
There, all done.
Now I'll have a little eggnog, listen to a few helliday tunes
and wait for Santa Claus to come.
Maybe I should throw another Yule log on the fire.
I wonder how Yule will feel about that.
(CACKLlNG)