(GATE CREAKlNG)
(SCREECHlNG)
(DOG HOWLlNG)
(SCREECHlNG)
(lNDlSTlNCT WHlSPERlNG)
(CACKLlNG)
(CRYPTKEEPER SPEAKlNG)
Hello, boils and ghouls.
It's me, your favorite creep from the deep, Shock Cousteau.
You're just in time.
I'm about to dive into tonight's tale.
Care to join me?
Good, then strap on a couple of scare tanks and prepare yourselves
for a cold, wet hack-sploration of my favorite kind of marine life,
croakers.
(CACKLlNG)
Oops.
It concerns a couple of boo-some buddies
who're about to put their relationship to rest.
I call it "Operation Friendship."
Great presentation, Jack.
That accounting program you wrote was a work of genius.
Thanks.
Hey, Jack, Jack, you gotta take a look at this.
I've been working on the accounting program and...
-Are you going to the meeting? -Coming from it.
Oh, God.
I forgot the meeting. I can't believe I missed the meeting.
-It's okay. I handled it. -THELMA: Jack!
McFarland just called with a question about the program you wrote.
He wants to know, can we make it voice-activated?
-The accounting program? -Jack did a great job.
-Jack. -Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.
Tell McFarland, if he wants it voice-activated, he's got it.
I got a feeling those VP stripes are just a matter of time.
You told them you wrote the program?
Well, I don't think I used those exact words.
Hey, about this voice-activated idea, can we do it?
You mean, can I do it?
Hey, look, I'm going places in this company. You heard what she said.
And when I make the move into a cushy corner office,
who do you think I'm taking with me? You, of course. Right?
-Yeah, well... -Don't make this difficult.
I've got a lot more friends at this company than you do, capisci?
So, how fast can you get this voice thing up and running?
JANE: Right through here, fellows.
Excuse me, right through here.
No, I live right here.
God, I'm sorry. I just...
I gotta run. See you. See you later.
Daddy's home! Daddy's home!
Eddie, not tonight. I've had a really rotten day.
Oh. Well, that's too bad.
'Cause we had a very special evening lined up.
Beginning with a little peeping Tom action
starring the voluptuous blonde in the building across the street.
(EXCLAlMS)
Put it back on, honey!
-Eddie! -And in our cooking segment this evening,
we'll be demonstrating how even the most disgusting leftover
can be made even more disgusting by simply nuking it too long.
(lMlTATlNG BEEPlNG)
Warning, warning, warning, warning.
And finally, we'll pay yet another fun-filled visit to our friends on the lnternet,
in a segment that I like to call, "Am I Bulletin Bored Or What?"
Okay, buster, what is it this time?
Look, I don't want to talk about it.
I'm seeing a name. Yes, a name with four letters,
and the first letter is "J."
Eddie, I told you, I don't want to talk about it.
You know, it's amazing. It's amazing!
You do all the work and that dickhead gets all the credit.
How much longer do you wanna put up with that?
You know what I say, don't you? I say we kneecap the cockroach.
I say we cut him up into little pieces and we give him to the freaking rats.
Aren't you getting tired of this crap?
I mean, is this how you want things to be for the rest of your life?
Don't take this personal, but I am going out of my nut here.
Something's gotta give, or I'm not gonna be held responsible for my actions.
I got work I gotta do.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to be helpful here. I mean, we're friends, right?
Answer the question!
-Yes, you're my only friend. -Well, don't make it sound so appealing.
Look, Nelson, you know how I feel about you.
You mean everything to me. I live for you, man.
What I'm saying is that we're in a rut,
and it's getting deeper and deeper every day.
And pretty soon, we're not gonna be able to climb out of it.
(KNOCKlNG AT DOOR)
You expecting somebody?
-Hello. -Hi.
I'm your new neighbor from across the hall.
-Am I bothering you? -No, not at all.
It's a girl? What's she look like?
The phone company didn't show up today.
I was hoping maybe I could use your phone.
-lf she's a pig, say no! -Typical, right?
Yeah. Sure! Sure, come on in.
A babe? Let me at her! Let me at her.
-I'm Jane, by the way. -Nelson.
-It's very nice to meet you. -The phone's right there.
-Thanks. -Sure.
I just need to check my answering service.
Okay.
Hey, you know of any good Chinese in the area?
Oh, well, you know, I have a program. I'll check for you.
-Really? -Yeah.
Are you in the mood for anything specific?
-Szechuan. -Szechuan.
Hu-Yu's Szechuan. It's a great restaurant, but the delivery takes forever.
Well, the last thing I wanna do is eat at home tonight.
-Well, Hu-Yu's is at Third and Mesa. -Great.
Well, thank you very much for letting me use your phone and...
-Sure. -lt was wonderful meeting you.
Oh, yeah.
-Bye-bye. -Bye.
-Hey, you want to see my egg roll? -What is wrong with you?
-I'm sorry? -Oh, nothing, nothing. I... Nothing.
-Okay. Well, bye. -Bye.
-Boy, a lot of fun you are. -Don't ever do that to me again.
I didn't do anything. She was hot. You should have asked her out.
I don't know who she is.
So, what are we gonna do instead? Nothing again?
(KNOCKlNG AT DOOR)
I hate eating alone. Would you have dinner with me?
Say yes.
Yes!
(NELSON SPEAKlNG CHlNESE)
Wow, where did you learn to speak Chinese?
Well, I taught it to myself.
My company had a Chinese client, a corporation,
and I just figured it would be easier to learn the language
if I was programming for them, so... And I was fascinated with the culture.
-Really? That's amazing. -Well.
Don't you think it's amazing?
You know, you're allowed to think it of yourself.
-Well, sometimes, anyway. -I guess. Yeah.
Well, believe me. It's pretty amazing.
Listen, I just wanted to thank you for coming out with me.
I have a real thing about eating alone.
The whole idea of being alone is hard enough.
It just seems that much harder over dinner.
I know exactly what you mean.
Holy mackerel, what set of knockers!
You all right?
Hey, relax. You're the one who brought me here.
-So, what do you do? -I work for the school system.
Doesn't look like any of the teachers that I remember.
-That must be very rewarding for you. -Yeah.
-Would you like some tea? -Oh, yeah.
Oh, baby, I love your dumplings. Yes, indeed.
Yeah, there's nothing like a hot tea... Yeah, that's good...
Bring on the entrée!
Oh, I'd like to check out tonight's special, please.
Excuse me, I dropped my...
Looks mighty tasty.
Eddie, just give me a break, would you? Just this once.
Just leave me alone. I'll do whatever you want, all right?
Think I'll have that to go.
-Hi! -Got it.
Yeah.
-So, you're a teacher? -No, actually, I'm a psychologist.
Say what? Ow!
-Really? -Yeah.
Someday I'll go into private practice, but for now I really enjoy what I'm doing.
Tell her you gotta go. Tell her you're not feeling well.
Tell her you got work to do.
Tell her that the dog pound makes daily deliveries to this place.
You know, I could have used someone like you to talk to when I was a kid.
-Why is that? -EDDlE: Are you out of your mind?
Will you shut up?
Well, I didn't have a lot of friends. I was a lot younger than most of my classmates.
So was l.
Do you remember the last time you told someone about me?
Do you remember Sister Mary What's Her Name,
back in the second grade, how she tried to break us up?
-Would you excuse me? -Nelson, don't you do it! Don't you do it!
So, what were you saying?
I was the third youngest to graduate from my college.
-Really? -Yeah.
I can't imagine the hell that the other two people went through.
Yeah.
Well, that was a lot of fun. I had a really good time and...
-Yeah. Yeah, it was... -Thanks.
Maybe I could knock another night?
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm right here, so, you know, you don't have to go far.
-Well, good night, neighbor. -Good night.
Don't you ever do that to me again.
I was trying to have a conversation.
You are the one who wanted me to go out in the first place.
That's before I knew what she was like.
This is bad for us. Don't you get that?
-Why, because she's a psychologist? -Yes, that's got something to do with it.
Also the fact that you like her doesn't help a whole lot, either.
-Eddie... -Let me clue you in on something, mister.
I've been with you almost 30 years.
Thirty years at your beck and call.
Now, how much longer you think that bimbo's gonna stick around?
A week? Two, maybe?
Eddie, don't be like this. I don't know her.
All we did was go out to dinner.
Spare me.
Look, I know what you're feeling, okay? I know everything.
I don't want any part of this.
I always wondered when this was gonna happen.
Nothing happened. Where are you going?
You think that I'm gonna wait around
while you decide you don't need me anymore?
-Well, thanks, but no thanks. -Eddie.
You know what day it is, Nelson? Friday.
I told Thelma you'd have that voice-activated thing ready by Tuesday,
Iast Tuesday.
(STAMMERlNG) I'm sorry, I just...
I can't really concentrate. I'm having some personal problems.
Well, you're gonna have an even bigger problem
here at the office if you don't get that program written.
And another thing...
Come on, Jack, just leave me alone.
So, this is the office, huh? And that dickhead, I take it, was Jack.
Eddie! Thank God you're here.
Where the hell have you been?
Well, you know, I've been here and there. You know, thinking about things.
Boy, no wonder you never brought me here. Snooze-o-rama!
So, how are things with you and the missus?
Yeah, well, I haven't seen her since you left.
I knocked on her door a few times.
I guess you're right. You are my only friend.
Well, I hate to be the one to say that I told you so, but I told you so.
It's too bad you didn't get anything, though.
I mean, she had some great tits.
EDDlE: Boy, you could fit a whole army inside those underpants.
Anything on the Net tonight?
No, nothing but newbies. I'll probably have some dinner.
Oh, goodie. Crank up the microwave.
(KNOCKlNG AT DOOR)
-Hi. -Hi.
-How are you? -Well, much better now, actually.
The day after we had dinner, I woke up sick as a dog.
Are you kidding? Oh, my God, it was the...
It was the Chinese.
-Was it the Chinese? -No, no, no. It was nothing like that.
You know, you work around kids and you pick up all sorts of things.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You know, you should have called me 'cause I would have come over.
-I knocked but... -Well, I couldn't even get out of bed.
And I would have called you
but, you know, the phone company didn't hook up my phone until today.
So, anyway.
I'm back and I'm healthy and I'm hungry as a horse.
So, how about dinner?
(STAMMERlNG) Yeah, that would be great.
Great, because I've already cooked it.
Oh, great. Can l... I'll be there in a second. If I could...
-I just... I'll be right back. I'll be there. -Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
How sweet! The lovebirds are reunited.
-Eddie. -I won't say another word.
Wow, this is such a great place.
Well, I still have a lot of unpacking to do. Thank you.
Sure.
You know, I've been thinking a lot about you.
-Yeah? -I'm not usually this forward.
Well, not recently, anyway.
But I had such a great time with you the other night.
I just...
I don't know, I felt so relaxed. And yet...
It's strange. It's almost as if...
As if there was something touching me.
-Touching you? -Yeah, like hands,
here, here.
Never felt anything quite like it.
Do you mind if I kiss you?
No, I don't mind.
Was it good for you, too?
Eddie, please.
Okay, you got what you wanted. Now, let's move on.
-What do you mean, move on? -You and her, over.
I'm afraid I can't let you do that to me anymore.
-Close, but no cigar. -Eddie!
I figured out lots of things while I was away, Nelson.
-Lots of things. -Eddie, it's okay. You don't have to go.
I wasn't planning to.
The way I figured, she's the one going someplace.
-I'll tell you what. Pick up a pillow. -What?
Yeah, pick up a pillow and put it on her face.
Pick it up!
No, I'm not gonna pick it up.
Okay, that's fine.
Let me show you another trick that I learned.
Nelson Patrick DeMers,
you think you're so smart. I'll show you what smart is.
Pretty good, huh? Sister Mary What's Her Name.
She never did like you much. Check this out.
Hey, DeMers, you better start running!
Jaimie McKenna. Boy, did he used to kick the shit out of you.
Well, you're gonna have an even bigger problem
if you don't get that program written.
-Oh, please. -Nelson Patrick DeMers,
you think you're so smart. I'll show you what smart is.
Hey, DeMers, you better start running!
JACK:...if you don't get that program written.
-...you better start running. -...don't get that program written.
-...you think you're so smart. -...get that program written.
-I'll show you what smart is. -JAlMlE:...you better start running.
Tip of the iceberg, Nelson.
Man, this shit runs deep and dark inside your head.
You think Sleeping Beauty there is gonna save you from all this like I have?
I don't think so.
Pick up the pillow!
(PEOPLE CONTlNUE CHATTERlNG)
That's right.
You know what to do. Do it.
Do it. Come on, Nelson. Do it.
You can run but you can't hide.
Damn you!
I'm gonna miss you, pal.
(SCREAMlNG)
(LAUGHlNG)
Yeah, of course I'll be home for dinner.
I just got a few finishing touches to do on this program
and then I got a few finishing touches that got your name on it, all right?
I love you, Jane.
Jack, get in here!
Jack.
What?
Where's the schedule for the voice-activation presentation?
It was supposed to be on my desk yesterday.
(STUTTERlNG) I'm working on it.
Oh, you're working on it? Well, work faster, dickhead!
Watch it.
Nelson, I can't tell you how impressed we've been with your performance lately.
These past few days, it's like you're a new man or something.
Oh, well, I'll tell you, Thelma.
The only person holding me back before was me.
So I simply got me out of the way.
Well, whatever you did, it worked. I see VP stripes in your future.
Poor Nelson. One minute he's in charge, the next, he's aghast in his own home.
(CACKLlNG)
As for me, kiddies, I'm afraid I've given up my water wings for dry land.
My producers insist I get a little R and horror.
Uh-oh. Looks like I've got something!
(SPLASHlNG)
I just love eyes fishing.
(CACKLlNG)