Looks like it's curtains for me, kiddies.
Then again, maybe the Venetian blinds would look better.
I don't know.
When I started this little makeover I was pretty excited.
I thought a little Slaytex Paint, some new scream doors,
maybe even some scare conditioning,
I could turn my little doomicile into a regular pied-à-terror.
But, I tell you, kiddies, between the dust and the ghost overruns,
your pal, the Crypt Keeper is going out of his mind!
Which is kind of like the woman in tonight's terror tale.
It's about a comic book artist
who's about to experience a terrible case of déjà boo.
I call it "Whirlpool. "
Hey, Velma, you getting in the tub with me or not?
Sure thing, doll. I'll be right there.
Well, I hope you like it hot.
Velma?
Where did you...
Kill him! That's right. Get him.
Kill the slimy rat!
Do it! Squeeze the life out of him. Come on!
Die, you son of a bitch!
Put some clothes on!
You had him in the kip, didn't you?
You told me to do whatever it took. And that's what it took.
Actually, I feel kind of bad about Jerry.
He was pretty good.
What the hell.
I'll always have my memories.
I'm glad you feel that way, Velma. I'm all choked up.
I didn't mean it.
Now, wait a minute.
Maybe I'm stupid or something, but I don't get it.
No, it's simple. This guy is really dead.
- What, he's dead? - No, he's dead.
Oh, you mean he's dead.
He's dead.
What, are you kidding me?
- What's the matter, you don't like it? - What's to like?
What kind of ending is that?
- It's a twist. - It's a piece of shit.
Even the artwork sucks.
There is no edge to it. It's predictable.
What are you talking about?
You don't expect the guy in the tub to be alive.
He's alive? Jeez, I thought he was a ghoul or something.
He's not?
Okay, he's a ghoul. I'll change it.
For Christ's sake, I gotta get this issue to the printer's in two hours.
Except now I'm a story short. Thank you!
Iggy, you got anything in your files?
I got that he's-a-werewolf-she's-a-vampire- but-neither-of-them-knows-it story.
Hal, save me!
You know that guy-who-wants-to-head-the-company-
so-they-cut-off-his-head thing I been working on?
Oh, Christ.
I can have it on your desk in a half hour.
Do it. Just do it.
It's not that bad, is it?
Rolanda, I want you in my office right now.
Trust me. It's worse.
How dare you walk in here and try to pass off that garbage to me?
I wouldn't line a birdcage with that story.
- I'm sorry. - Sorry don't cut it.
I need stories. I need them on time and I need them great.
And I can't remember the last time you delivered either.
For crying out loud, Rolanda,
you used to be the thoroughbred in this stable.
What happened to you?
Are you drinking again?
Honest to God, Vern, not a drop.
Yeah. Then maybe you should start.
I don't know what to tell you except
clean out your desk.
Please, please, Vern, we got a history, you and me.
You want me to beg?
I'll beg.
I've seen you on your knees before and it ain't a pretty picture.
Security!
Hey, let go of me, you big palooka!
That poor kid.
Can't say you didn't see it coming.
You're a little later than I expected.
I wasn't gonna wait much past midnight.
I took your advice and I stopped in that cozy little bar around the corner.
- They remembered me. - Why not?
They've been in mourning since the day you climbed on the wagon.
Funny, that's what they said.
Can we speed this up? I gotta get to work in the morning.
I got a great idea for a story, Vern.
It's about a gal who loses her job.
And something inside of her snaps
and she finds that thing
that gives her back her edge.
Sounds a little thin.
Trust me, the visual's going to sell it.
Rolanda, what are you doing?
I ain't begging for my job anymore, that's for sure.
Look, you gotta understand I did what I did for a reason.
Garbage! On your knees.
You're the one who's going to beg.
And I've seen you on your knees and it's not a pretty picture.
- Rolanda. Rolanda. - Come on. Come on.
I don't hear you begging.
No! No! No!
Move! Move! Freeze!
No, no, no! No! No!
No!
Actually, I feel kind of bad about Jerry.
He was pretty good.
What the hell.
I'll always have my memories.
I'm glad you feel that way, Velma. I'm all choked up.
- What, he's dead? - No, he's dead.
- You mean he's dead. - No, he's dead.
What, are you kidding me?
What's the matter, you don't like it?
What kind of ending is that?
- It's a twist. - It's a piece of shit.
Even the artwork sucks.
There is no edge to it. It's predictable.
I didn't expect the guy in the tub to still be alive.
He's alive? Jeez, I thought he was a ghoul or something.
For Christ's sake, I gotta get this issue to the printer's in two hours.
Except now I'm a story short. Thank you!
Iggy, you got anything in your files?
I got that he's-a-werewolf-she's-a-vampire- but-neither-of-them-knows-it story.
Great. Hal, save me.
You know that guy-that-wants-to-head-the-company-
so-they-cut-off-his-head thing that I been working on?
I can have it on your desk in a half hour.
Do it. Just do it.
It's not that bad, is it?
Rolanda, I want you in my office. Now!
It's worse.
Vern, there's something strange going on here.
How dare you walk in here and try to pass off that garbage to me?
I wouldn't line a birdcage with that story.
You gotta listen to me. I had this dream last night.
I need stories. I need them on time and I need them great.
I can't even remember the last time you delivered either.
For crying out loud, you used to be the thoroughbred in this stable.
Are you drinking again?
Honest to God, Vern, not a drop.
Then maybe you should start.
Before you fire me?
Somebody call security!
That poor kid.
Can't say you didn't see it coming.
Oh, no.
You're a little later than I expected.
I wasn't gonna wait much past midnight.
I want to apologize for today. I haven't been drinking.
But I have a great idea for a story.
It's about a gal who loses her job.
And something inside of her snaps
and she finds that thing that gives her back her edge.
Sounds a little thin.
No, I really think I have something, something good.
One step closer and I'll blow you away, you sick bitch.
What are you doing?
You didn't come here to beg for your job.
- You came here to kill me. - No! No!
You're about as predictable as your cockamamie stories.
On your knees.
I said get down on your goddamn knees! Come on!
- Come on. - What are you doing?
You think I'm gonna wait around here for you to nail me?
I didn't come here to kill you. I came here to beg for my job.
Everybody saw you attack me today. They had to run for security.
Then tonight you came back. I had to shoot you in self-defense.
I think it'll sell.
Vern, no!
Oh, shit!
Freeze!
No! No!
No!
Tales from the Crypt. - Hello, Hal?
Is Vern there?
- He went out. - Went out?
Well, you know that guy-who-wants- to-be-the-head-of-the-company
thing you've been working on?
You better get cracking.
Probably won't take you more than a half an hour to finish it.
Why's that?
Because I'm not coming in today, that's why.
Could you hold on just a second?
Vern, what are you doing here?
What do you think? Where's the story?
I was just calling to tell you... Something came up. I don't have it.
You idiot!
I gotta have this issue to the printer's in two hours!
- Except now I'm a story short! - I fixed it.
I called Hal and I told him to finish
that guy-who-wants-to-be- the-head-of-the-company thing.
I hate that frigging story!
It's even stupider than Iggy's goddamn he's-a-werewolf-she's-a-vampire story!
Oh, Christ! Are you drinking again?
Honest to God, Vern, no, not a drop!
You're fired, you hear me? Fired!
Vern, don't do this to me.
I can't take this anymore!
Vern, no!
- Oh, my God. - Freeze!
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
You cold-blooded bitch.
I didn't do it!
You're going home, sweetheart.
Poor kid.
Can't say you didn't see it coming.
I know what's going on here!
You'll shoot me and I'll wake up in a minute and it'll start all over again.
OFFICER: Ready.
Aim!
Fire!
What, are you kidding me?
What's the matter? Don't you like it?
What kind of ending is that?
- It's a twist. - It's a piece of shit.
- Even the artwork sucks. - I can fix it.
Don't bother!
And I don't appreciate you using my likeness
in your goddamn story, either.
I gotta get this issue to the printer's in two hours!
Rick, grab something from your files, will you?
Yeah.
You
in my office.
Now!
Oh, shit.
Poor Rolanda, all she wanted was another shot.
And that's exactly what they gave her.
Talk about character assassination.
So, what do you think, kiddies?
Am I ready for Architectural Digest or what?
It took a while, but this old haunt is finally coming together.
Nice shudders over there.
A lovely fright fixture over here.
As a matter of fact,
I've even started thinking of some new improvements I want to make.
And I'm going to use the same contractor.
I'm already taking bits.