(GATE CREAKING)
(SCREECHING)
(DOG HOWLING)
(SCREECHING)
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
(CACKLING)
(CRYPTKEEPER SPEAKING)
From overseas and underworld, it's the Crypt Keeper Noose Network.
Good evening, Crypts.
In the news tonight,
wolf-man bites dog,
vampires say "life sucks,"
mummy takes the wrap after years in denial,
and illiterate zombies insist
they're better dead than read.
This just in.
And our top story tonight, is a nasty little sound bite
about an ambulance-chasing lawyer
who is about to bleed the toughest case of her life.
I call it, "Let the Punishment Fit the Crime."
(CACKLING)
(DOOR OPENING)
GERI: Hey, Dick Tracy, is this really necessary for a traffic ticket?
Can we speed this up? I got tickets to the Knicks game.
-Joey here... -Yeah, Joey, listen.
I'm stuck in some chickenshit speed trap upstate.
Where the hell are you?
(GROANS)
What's the name of this burg?
-Stueksville. -Stueksville?
Stueksville.
-Never heard ofit. -Of course. Stueksville.
-You're kidding! -Are you ready for this?
For driving an improperly licensed vehicle.
Oh, come on.
Yeah, well, I'm stuck here another hour, an hour and a half,
so you better meet me at the Garden. Section 8.
All right, all right, what about dinner?
-We'll get something to eat later. -I'm starving now.
You'll survive.
I gotta go.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait.
Geri Ferrett, attorney, specializing in personal damage claims. You know,
I gotta tell you, it makes my blood boil
to see a good man much like yourself who's been grievously harmed
by an irresponsible motorist...
Mmm-mmm.
By an indifferent company...
Mmm-mmm.
By an uncaring government...
Mmm-hmm.
...that thinks they can settle with chump change.
Now, you may think that you already have a lawyer,
but chew on this, my friend.
Last month I got a guy not half as banged up as you a mil-six.
Cash.
(GROANS)
Think about it.
WOMAN ON PA: Fouser, Donald James, case A-5107, to Courtroom B.
B? Not B. No! Not Courtroom B!
Please. Please! No! No! Not Courtroom B!
No! No! No!
What was that all about?
Courtroom B. The judge there's supposed to be real hard.
-So what're you up for? -Felonious auto sales.
What, you sold somebody a hot Studebaker?
No, I turned the odometer back on a car that I sold a guy.
Well, that ought to get you 10 years.
I hope so. This is a very strict town.
WOMAN ON PA: Dreyfus, Purdy Lee, case A-4057, Courtroom A.
Uh-oh.
Hey, hey, hey, pal. You don't want to sneeze on the judge.
No. Thanks.
Hey, hey, hey!
Excuse me.
Miss Ferrett?
Hi, I'm Austin Haggard.
I've been appointed by the Court to handle your case.
What? You...
Look, Mr. Public Defender, I'm an attorney. Brooklyn Law, '79.
I see.
Even if I wasn't, I don't believe I would be hiring an eyesore like you to represent me.
They teach you to dress like that in Law Tech night school?
No, Harvard, actually.
The clothes just go with the idea of being a public servant.
I think we both should consider...
Yeah, well, thank you, Counselor,
but I will be pleading guilty to this little rip-off
and getting the hell out of this town.
No, no, no. I don't think you want to do this.
This is a very strict town.
I can get the charges reduced.
Putz!
I told you what I want.
Mr. Public Defender, report to Courtroom B.
Excuse me. I'm just a little overbooked.
(STATIC BUZZING)
Ferrett, Geraldine, case A-4076, Courtroom A.
No.
JUDGE: Ferrett, Geraldine.
You are charged with Section 86 of the State Penal Code,
driving an illegally licensed vehicle.
Are you ready to enter a plea?
I'm sorry, Your Honor, but my attorney isn't present.
Yes, I am, Your Honor.
Come on.
Hi. I talked to the judge.
Well, we hit him on a good day.
He's agreed to decrease the sentence to "misdemeanor public nuisance."
Decrease it?
Okay, fine, fine.
-What's it gonna cost me? -Ten.
All this bullshit for ten bucks? Here. Keep the change.
Not $10, Miss Ferrett. Ten lashes.
They can flail you now and you can be on your way.
As soon as you regain consciousness, of course.
What the hell? Are you nuts?
Mr. Haggard, the Court's offer is good for about another five seconds.
Your Honor, nowhere in New York is corporal punishment...
(GROANS)
Okay.
I would like to enter a plea of not guilty to the original charges
and depend on the Court's swift delivery of justice.
You want swift justice? Well, you've got it.
What you got there?
Miss Ferrett was apprehended with this plate
on the rear of her Mercedes convertible.
Under New York State law,
five-digit combinations are reserved for local governments.
Is this yours, Miss Ferrett?
Well, Miss Ferrett?
Begging the Court's pardon, that is not a five-digit plate, Your Honor.
Oh, it is. You see?
This is, one "S," one "U," two "E's," one "M."
One, two, three, four, five.
Five digits. You see?
Actually, the space between the two "E's" counts as one digit,
making it a six-digit plate
of the type reserved for passenger vehicles.
The space between the two counts!
Your Honor, I have exculpatory evidence that speaks to the public-spirited quality...
-You what? -...of the accused.
Thank you.
No problem.
Ah, yes, yes.
Yes. So, you were the lawyer who took down Mediheart.
Yeah, $56 million. Not a bad payday.
-Amazing. -Thank you.
That a jury could fall for such a load of garbage.
Hey, I proved my case.
And my clients were victims of a callous medical establishment.
In 10 years of use outside the laboratory,
the Cardi-Tark-7 pacemaker never failed. Ever.
That's irrelevant. We all know mechanical devices break.
We provided the jury with a range of psychological proofs
that the wearers of the Mediheart pacemaker, my clients,
burdened with that knowledge,
suffered life-shortening daily trauma.
Your Honor, my client is a woman with a noble cause, who...
-Yes. Will you shut up? -Thank you.
I know exactly what your client is, a cynical and immoral woman,
a discredit to her profession.
She's lucky I don't charge her for illegal solicitation of services
for this snotty license plate.
Guilty as charged.
Guilty? Like hell!
Your Honor, I would ask at this time for a sentence of public service.
Public service? No, no.
No, you see, not in this case.
No, the fine is 100 lashes,
to be administered immediately.
Hey, hey. No.
Hey, I was... Hey, what are you doing? What are you...
I'd like a jury trial!
I will sue you for false arrest!
I'll sue your ass, your fresh little ass!
Let go of me!
You have no idea who you're dealing with.
Help me! Help me, I'll pay you!
You're in deep shit, you...
Get your hands off me! Let go! Let go, you...
I'm telling you...
(SOBBlNG)
What are you crying about?
They cut off my nose.
No! No, please.
This is all a terrible mistake!
You sons of bitches!
This is cruel and unusual punishment!
Stop!
Good news, Miss Ferrett.
The judge looked up the State Code.
Your license plate has six digits after all, exactly like you said.
Your case has been thrown out.
I told you I'd get you off.
You little turd, I had this thing beat until you showed up with that file folder.
How dare you go digging through my car?
You stink, you hear me?
You're a nag on his way to the glue factory.
I'd rather be dead than you.
Miss Ferrett? Is this yours?
Why? You got a legal problem, too?
No, you do.
-You have the right to remain silent... -No.
-Ferrett, Geraldine... -No, no, no.
-...case A-4099... -No. No!
-...to Courtroom B. -No!
Hi.
-I've been appointed by... -What the hell is going on?
Well,
it seems you gave your business card to a man upstairs
who had already retained counsel.
Yeah, so?
That's not illegal.
I'm afraid it is illegal.
-You see, this is a very... -Strict town. I get the picture.
That's the same judge.
Why do you say that?
Oh, I see.
No, but they are related.
This one's a lot more conservative.
Don't worry.
I have a strategy.
Case number A-4099, Ferrett, Geraldine.
Are you ready to stand trial?
Yes we are, Your Honor.
You are charged with the illegal solicitation of services in this court.
How plead you?
We plead not guilty, by reason of temporary insanity.
Your client, my honor is...
Your Honor, my client is the actual victim here.
As a child, she was psychologically
abused by her entire family.
She repressed these horrors until recently,
and this inner turmoil made her act irrationally on the occasion in question.
What a load of...
Guilty as charged.
You ready for sentencing?
Is that your strategy? Are you crazy?
I believe you used the same defense yourself on a number of occasions.
I guess I just did not do it right. I am sorry.
(MAN SCREAMlNG)
At this time, I would ask for a sentence of public service?
No, no, no. Not a chance.
The prisoner is to be pilloried for a period of one year.
-Pilloried. -What the fuck is pilloried?
For God's sake, you gotta appeal.
-There was no due process... -Really, Miss Ferrett,
don't you think you ought to just quit while you're ahead?
(SCREAMlNG)
You can't do this to me! You can't do this...
When I get back to the city, I'll sue you, every last one of you!
Oh, my God!
(MAN SCREAMlNG)
Oh, my God.
(MAN LAUGHlNG)
Hello?
WOMAN: You're not scared, are you?
Who's there?
Hell, this ain't scary.
Scary, is not being able to get a pacemaker
because you sued the company into bankruptcy,
and then having to spend my life savings on surgeries instead.
Or dying because you can't afford a doctor,
because the doctor has to charge so much
to pay for his malpractice insurance.
Who are you? What do you want?
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Oh, a pound of flesh will do.
Miss Ferrett?
Hi.
Good news, Miss Ferrett.
They've granted your appeal, if you still want to do it.
Get me out of here. I think I'm going nuts.
I'll take that as a yes.
-No, no, this way. -What?
Where are we going?
Courtroom C, of course.
Oh, no.
No! No!
-Oh, God. -I know,
and he's the strictest one of all.
This is good work, Mr. Haggard. Very nicely argued.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Miss Ferrett, I have read your attorney's brief and,
however persuasive his presentation,
find no reason to overturn the other judge's verdict.
See, your actions were cut and dried.
You've violated the law, and you must pay.
However, the sentence handed down by my colleague
-was wholly inappropriate. -Yeah.
I sentence you to death by electrocution.
Sentence to be carried out immediately.
Your Honor, begging the Court's pardon, may I approach the bench?
Oh, very well. Yes?
Hi.
(JUDGE SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY)
I see. I see.
Very well.
It is this Court's opinion
that, while your client is an unmitigated scumbucket,
her skills are worthwhile and should be put to work for the public weal.
Now, I hereby sentence you to return home to do public service
for a time yet to be specified.
Thank you.
Let's get out of here before he changes his...
What the hell? I thought this was the way out.
It is.
No!
Welcome back, Ger.
Had a feeling we might bump into you again.
And this time, you're gonna get what you deserve.
No! I'm not supposed to get the chair!
Come on. Have a seat.
No! The judge! The judge said I get to go home and do public service!
Isn't that what he said?
Yes! Get out of my way!
All right!
Strap me down, boys!
What are you doing?
I'm getting out of Stueksville for good.
Yeah, I thought I'd be stuck here forever, until you came along.
What?
In my day, I got off more big-time dirtbags with a slap on the wrist
than a lowlife ambulance-chaser like you could count.
We didn't use any cheeseball victim defense, either. We just bought the jury.
But I get to go home and do public service, right?
You are home, Counselor.
And I'd rather be dead than you.
HAGGARD: Hit it, boys!
No! Not this!
WOMAN ON PA: Ms. Public Defender, report to Courtroom A.
No.
No!
Talk about trial and terror!
Still, I think Geri will do just fine.
I mean, aside from the occasional attack of motion sickness!
(CACKLlNG)
And now it's time for business news.
So, Chip, what happened on the shock exchanges today?
Oh, sorry.
Looks like it's time for the spurts report instead!
Oh, boy!