Out. - What?
Are you blind?
That ball was on the line, pal!
Oh, hello, kiddies.
I was just warming up for the Wimbletomb Tennis Tournament.
Normally I love a bit of stiff competition,
but this guy is driving me nuts!
Still, the match isn't over yet.
We're playing beast two out of three.
Which brings to mind the man in tonight's tale.
He's about to play a little die-breaker of his own
in a sickening hacks-hibition I call
"Kidnapper".
It's funny the effects a baby can have on people.
Not "ha-ha " funny, but funny.
One time the vicar at my church said
that children are God's opinion that the world should go on.
I don't know if I agree with him or not.
I guess, deep down, I always thought he stole that off a T-shirt.
Still, it's funny the effects a child can have.
Hello.
Hello, there!
Hello.
Cute.
Is it a boy or a girl?
It's a boy.
My girlfriend had a baby last year.
I mean, there are things you never think about
when a baby comes along.
Until it's too late, that is.
You have to feed them, clothe them and keep them healthy.
Hello, little fellow.
It's a lot of work, and expensive, too.
I mean, you can't believe it.
I'll take him now, thank you.
Back to mummy.
Babies can put a real strain on a relationship,
even the strongest.
Believe me, I know firsthand.
My girlfriend and I, we're no different than any other couple.
When I first met her, she was pregnant and homeless.
It was Christmastime
and nobody had come in for days except to use the toilet.
By the way, my name's Danny Skeggs.
Just like it says on my name tag.
Hello.
I'm sorry, the toilets are for employees only.
I don't want to use your loo,
I just wanted to do a bit business with you.
Oh. Right. Sorry.
Well, let's have a look.
Could you tell me what this is worth?
Family heirloom?
It's my grandmother's.
It's all right. How much?
I'm not sure.
I mean, I'll have to look it up. Stay right there.
Miss?
- What happened? - I don't know. You passed out.
- Do you want me to call an ambulance? - No. No ambulances.
Are you sure? Perhaps you should see a doctor.
Look, can you just tell me how much for the bracelet?
Well, it's worth about £350, but I can only afford to give you 75.
- You should probably hang on to it. - I can't. I need the money.
But it belonged to your grandmother.
Look, I'll just take the £75, okay?
Sit here.
- You all right? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Sorry. Sorry, people, they don't come back here much.
It's okay.
She's pretty.
Don't.
Look, have you got somewhere to live?
Look, if you're not willing to give me the money...
- You could stay with me. - What?
No.
At least until the baby's born. It's an option.
That's very nice of you, but I couldn't.
- I don't even know you. - There's not much to know.
I own this shop. I live alone.
Besides, you could keep your grandmother's bracelet.
And...
And what?
It's Christmas.
No one should be alone at Christmas.
I just wanna help.
Are you lonely, Danny?
Danny...
No one calls me that anymore. I like it.
- Yes, I am. - Me, too.
Look, Danny, I'm gonna be really honest with you.
This baby's father hurt me really badly.
And I'm not looking for anyone to replace him.
What I need is a friend.
Right.
I understand.
Friends.
Teresa was wonderful.
As the months passed by I realized that for the first time in my life,
I knew what it was like to be in love.
It didn't matter that she was pregnant with another bloke's baby.
Or that we didn't...
You know.
I couldn't have cared less.
All that mattered was her happiness.
And he just went splat.
That never happened. You're making it up.
No one's daft enough to dry a wet hamster in a microwave oven.
It happened to a friend of a sister of one of my customers...
- It's true, I swear it. - What do you know?
I know this.
I really like having you here, Teresa.
You can stay here as long as you want.
You and the baby. I mean that.
I appreciate that.
I love you.
I'll clear the dishes.
That look she'd given me clinched it.
She was in love with me, too, in a big way.
It didn't matter how we started.
We were together now and everything was perfect.
Me, Teresa and the baby.
I thought you said we were going to the cinema tonight.
I can't. Not with his tummy hurting. Why can't you go by yourself?
Because I went by my bloody self last time!
I want to go with you, like we used to.
Oh, grow up, Daniel.
Maybe he wouldn't be crying all the time
if he didn't have that bloody, great stupid birthmark on his arse!
Fuck you!
I think it was obvious. I wasn't angry for me.
I was angry for Teresa.
That baby, Mr. Needy, was draining the life out of her.
He always had to be the center of attention.
It just wasn't healthy.
For her own good, and for the good of our relationship,
something had to be done.
I'm sorry about last night. - It's all right.
I think all our problems are just temporary.
I always wanted to do mime. Did you?
Do you want a hot dog?
Yeah. Yeah, that would be lovely.
Are you warm? Are you happy?
Stop it, Bernard.
Don't throw it so high, you're ruining my pacing.
I warned you,
but you had to go ahead and do it anyway, didn't you?
I always end my act with it.
It's my pièce de résistance,
but you, you just couldn't leave well enough alone.
Oh, you're jealous.
The box within the box within the box has always been my illusion!
- Mine! - Not anymore. I do it better!
You stuck up bitch!
Turn around!
I told you. Don't criticize me!
Stop it, you bastard, or I'll call the police!
Danny!
Stop! My baby!
Stop him, he's got my baby! Someone!
My baby!
My baby! Stop him!
- You all right? - Catch him! Get my baby!
Stop!
Come back!
Stop!
Everything had gone as planned.
We were free.
There must be something you could do.
Look, I'd give up a month's pay if I could hand you that baby tonight.
We're going to do everything we can.
The birthmark helps,
but if we could just have a better description of the guy who...
I told you! I couldn't see him. What do you want from me?
Teresa, come on, now.
You did everything you could.
We both did.
Why did they take my baby?
Here, give her these, they'll make her sleep.
- Give you a chance to rest. - Thank you.
For what it's worth, I've got three of my own.
If I ever caught someone looking funny at one of them,
I'd kill the bastard faster than he could scream police brutality.
Look, Mr. Skeggs,
I have to level with you.
Over 100 babies turn up missing in this country every year.
Most are what we call custody snatches,
a few are grabbed by the emotionally disturbed,
then there's the black market.
The rest...
So you're telling me the odds aren't good?
I'm telling you to prepare yourself.
If this doesn't work out, it's gonna be a long road back.
I want my baby.
- I want my baby back. - Don't worry.
Please, God, give me back my baby.
We'll get him back.
Danny?
Yeah?
Will you sit with me?
Please.
Yeah, sure.
Remember, no matter what happens, you've still got me.
I'll still be here.
It'll be like the old days.
Better, even.
We can have our own baby, if you want.
I love you.
Danny, don't.
Stop it.
Danny, stop.
I want to show you.
Danny. Danny, stop it! Stop it!
Fuck, don't touch me!
Don't you understand? I don't want you.
I want my baby.
Teresa needed a hero.
If I could return the baby to her, she'd have to love me.
You what?
Get the fuck out of here.
- I want my baby back. - You can't have him back.
He's gone.
What do you mean? You only picked him up the other day.
Yeah, and he's already been placed, you Mancie.
Do you have any idea what a white newborn baby is worth?
Yeah.
Exactly what you paid me. £2,000.
Ten times that, idiot.
I know doctors and lawyers who'd queue up
round the block for a placement like him.
That kid was signed, sealed and delivered in under two hours.
Now, look, you get my baby back
or I'll have the police in here so fast your head will spin.
Okay, okay. Sit down.
- You made your point. - Just get me my baby back.
Snaps!
Meet Daniel Skeggs.
- How's it hanging, Skeggs? - All right, I suppose.
Mr. Skeggs here was just telling me he wanted his baby back.
He said if we don't, he's going to call the police.
Sounds pretty grim.
I'm desperate.
My girlfriend...
We paid you good money for the kid.
That makes you an accessory to kidnapping.
The police wouldn't like that much.
But they wouldn't have to know.
You're still not getting it, Skeggs.
It's like this!
If I ever see you again,
if I ever even hear your name,
you are a dead man!
Now...
Get him out of here.
Teresa?
- Teresa? - Danny,
can't you see he's asleep?
Mummy's little baby was hiding in the rubbish behind the flat, weren't you?
Yes, you were. But I found him.
No! No!
No!
I'll take him back.
Sorry, what did you say?
My baby.
Please, give him to me.
Holding the baby suddenly got me thinking.
I can make Teresa better and be her hero.
All babies look alike.
They all eat, sleep and cry.
What's the difference?
If you ask me, one baby's as good as another.
Thank you.
No!
My baby!
It's all right.
The boss was right about you, mate.
- He had a feeling you'd try something. - Over here.
- There he is! - Come on, let's get him!
- Get him! - Give me that kid!
- After him! - Stop him!
Give me that kid!
Get the baby away!
Bastard!
Give him to me.
It was Teresa's baby, my baby.
But there was nothing I could do about it now.
It's funny the effect a baby can have on people.
Poor Daniel.
I bet he never thought he'd get such a kick from falling in love.
At least in the end, he did the writhe thing.
As for me, kiddies, I've got to get back to my game.
I've been on quite a winning shriek.
Now, that's what I call a service break.