YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME, DR. VISCOUS.
IT'S OUR SON'S EATING HABITS.
YOU SAID YOU WERE CANNIBALS, RIGHT?
YES. THAT'S WHY THIS VEGETARIANISM THING SCARES ME.
NO NEED TO WORRY.
FOR ONE THING, VEGETARIANS ARE PROBABLY MUCH BETTER FOR HIM.
I LIKE TO STALK ONE MYSELF FROM TIME TO TIME.
MY ADVICE IS TO LET HIM FIEND HIMSELF.
THE LITTLE NIPPER WILL NEVER LEARN TO MAGGOT ON HIS OWN
IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY PROTECTING HIM.
OUR NEXT CALLER, LEO,
THINKS HIS WIFE IS CHEATING ON HIM.
LET'S HOPE FOR HER SAKE,
HE DOESN'T CATCH HER IN THE "HACKED."
I CALL THIS SICKENING PSYCHODRAMA
AS YE SOW.
AS YE SOW
HERE SHE IS, EXITING THE PRODUCE MARKET.
I GOT EYES, FOR CHRIST SAKE.
HOW'D YOUR GUY KNOW SHE DIDN'T GO
OUT IN THE BACK FOR A QUICKIE?
I HAD A MAN IN BACK
AND ANOTHER ONE INSIDE THE STORE.
3 GUYS- THAT'S IT?
3 IS ALL THE FBI WOULD USE.
HERE SHE STOPS BRIEFLY AT THE BUTCHER'S.
AND HER DAILY 10:00 VISIT TO ST. XAVIER'S.
I PAID YOU GUYS 30 GRAND FOR THIS SHIT?
HOME MOVIES OF MY WIFE
GOING IN AND OUT OF STORES AND CHURCH?
I TOLD YOU WHEN WE UNDERTOOK THIS JOB
THAT IT WOULD BE EXPENSIVE,
THAT WE MIGHT COME UP WITH NOTHING,
PARTICULARLY IF YOUR WIFE IS UP TO NOTHING.
FACE IT, MR. BYRNES,
YOUR WIFE...
IS A REGULAR CHOIR GIRL.
JUST BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T CATCH HER AT IT
DOESN'T MEAN SHE ISN'T DOING IT.
I KNOW SHE'S UP TO SOME SHIT.
I CAN FEEL IT ON HER SKIN
EVERY TIME I TOUCH HER.
I CAN SEE IT IN HER EYES
WHEN SHE LOOKS AT ME.
IT'S TEARING ME APART, FOR CHRIST SA-
YOU THINK I'M SOME KINDA ASSHOLE, DON'T YOU?
LOOK, MR. BYRNES,
WHEN A GUY MARRIES A WOMAN...
WHAT, 20, 25 YEARS YOUNGER THAN HE IS...
24.
24, A PRETTY WOMAN,
IT CAN GET TO HIM, YOU KNOW, EMOTIONALLY.
IT CAN AFFECT HIS JUDGMENT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE TELLING ME I NEED A SHRINK, HMM?
A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
MIGHT BE A GOOD INVESTMENT FOR STARTERS.
UM, AN ENCOUNTER GROUP, HEALTH FARM, SPA.
HA HA HA HA.
LOOK, I DON'T NEED YOUR NEW AGE BULLSHIT.
AND I DON'T WANT ANY MORE OF YOUR HALF-ASSED SURVEILLANCE, EITHER.
I'M GOING TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE
WHO KNOWS WHAT THE HELL THEY'RE DOING.
FINE. YOU LOOK UNDER ENOUGH ROCKS,
YOU'LL COME UP WITH SOME SHEET-SMELLER
WHO'LL BE HAPPY TO TAKE YOUR MONEY.
IN YOUR EAR, PAL.
YOUR WIFE'S VERY LOVELY.
A CATCH FOR ANY MAN, MARRIED OR NOT.
I CAN ONLY SYMPATHIZE WITH YOUR PROBLEM.
I WOULD, OF COURSE, GIVE YOUR CASE THE HIGHEST PRIORITY.
MM-HMM. YOU KNOW, THOSE OTHER GUYS
WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST IN TOWN.
HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE ANY GOOD?
YOU WOULDN'T GO TO AN OPTOMETRIST
TO GET YOUR KIDNEY STONES REMOVED, WOULD YOU?
WHAT KIDNEY STONES?
I'M MAKING A POINT.
YOU WENT TO A MAN WHOSE EXPERTISE
IS IN INSURANCE FRAUD, EMBEZZLING, THAT SORT OF THING.
AND FOR THIS, CHAPMAN IS VERY GOOD.
I'D GO TO HIM.
BUT...
INFIDELITY...
IS ANOTHER KETTLE OF FISH.
HE WAS INSENSITIVE TO YOUR SUSPICIONS, CORRECT?
MADE ME FEEL LIKE A FUCKIN' ASSHOLE.
BUT THEN, THEY WERE THE ASSHOLES.
IN MY SUBSTANTIAL EXPERIENCE,
A MAN OR WOMAN'S SUSPICIONS ABOUT THEIR OTHER HALF
ARE INVARIABLY CORRECT.
THINGS BETRAY.
A MOUTH THAT HESITATES TO ANSWER A QUESTION,
A SHOULDER THAT CRINGES TO THE TOUCH,
EYES THAT HAVE TO LOOK AWAY.
THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN BE ABLE TO PUT INTO WORDS,
BUT NEVERTHELESS ARE A SMOKE SIGNAL
THAT SOMETHING IS GOING ON.
AND WHERE THERE'S SMOKE...
THERE'S FUCKIN' FIRE!
EXACTLY.
MR. BYRNE, WHEN DID YOU FIRST SUSPECT
YOUR WIFE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR?
A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO.
YOU KNOW, WHEN SHE...
WHEN SHE STOPPED...
STOPPED HAVING CONJUGAL RELATIONS WITH YOU?
OH, CHRIST.
IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S SOMETHING YOU CAN TALK ABOUT.
TELL ME, MR. BYRNE...
DOES YOUR WIFE WEAR EASY ACCESS CLOTHING?
WHAT?
DOES SHE WEAR FULL OR PLEATED SKIRTS,
STRETCH PANTS THAT JUST SLIP OVER THE HIPS?
DOES SHE PREFER GARTER BELTS TO PANTYHOSE?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE IN THE DRY CLEANING BUSINESS
AND YOU DON'T NOTICE YOUR WIFE'S CLOTHING?
I KNOW ABOUT CLOTHING, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?
ALL I'M SAYING IS,
YOU OUGHT TO THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS.
MR. BYRNE, I DON'T KNOW YET
IF YOUR WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR OR NOT.
BUT WE DO HAVE A SAYING IN THIS BUSINESS...
IF YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT, SOMEONE ELSE IS.
SO...
SHALL WE GET TO WORK?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT'S THIS?
IT'S LINGERIE.
I KNOW THAT.
I MEAN, WHAT IS THIS?
THIS HERE, EH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS, HMM?
I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THAT.
IT'S FOR GOING TO THE LOO.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME UNDERTHINGS?
REALLY? IT'S FOR THAT?
WHAT A SILLY QUESTION.
WHAT ELSE WOULD IT BE FOR, EH?
WELL, UH...
LEO, LOOK AT THIS MESS.
DARLING, YOU KNOW, SINCE WE'RE BOTH HOME...
NOT NOW, LEO.
COME ON, IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME.
HMM?
YOU KNOW THE TIME IS A WEEK AWAY
WHEN YOU CAN DO YOUR DIRTY BUSINESS.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT A WEEK. I WANT IT NOW.
LEO. NO, LEO.
COME ON. NO.
LEO, NO. NO.
IT'S ONLY BEEN A WEEK.
YOU GOT SOMETHING FOR ME ALREADY?
FOR A PROFESSIONAL, A WEEK'S ENOUGH.
WHAT'S THIS? THIS IS THE SAME SHIT AS THE OTHER GUYS GOT.
IS IT?
TAKE A LOOK AT THE LAST TWO AGAIN.
CAREFULLY.
SO-SO WHAT'S THIS? SO SHE'S HAPPIER COMING OUT
THAN WHEN SHE WENT IN. BIG DEAL.
SHE'S BEEN SPIRITUALLY UPLIFTED.
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?
I'M SORRY, MR. BYRNE,
BUT WHAT YOUNG WOMAN IN THIS DAY AND AGE
GOES TO MASS EVERY DAY?
BUT SHE'S FROM IRELAND. THEY ALL DO THAT OVER THERE.
DO YOU KNOW THAT THEY DO THAT,
OR DOES SHE JUST SAY THAT THEY DO THAT?
I'M NOT SURE.
ALL RIGHT, SO WHO'S THIS?
WHO DO YOU THINK? IT'S HIM.
A PRIEST?
SHE'S BANGIN' A PRIEST, FOR CHRIST SAKE?
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
AM I?
HIS NAME IS FATHER JOHN SEJAC.
HE'S A RADICAL.
HE WAS FIRED FROM HIS LAST POSITION
FOR DISOBEYING THE POPE'S ENCYCLICAL ON CONTRACEPTION.
NOW TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THAT PICTURE
OF YOUR WIFE LEAVING THE CHURCH.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
CHECK IT OUT FOR YOURSELF.
TALK TO THE MAN. YOU'LL BE ABLE TO TELL.
GOOD AFTERNOON. CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, WHERE'S FATHER SEJAC?
HE'S UP IN THE CHOIR LOFT.
THANKS.
FATHER SEJAC?
WHENEVER I'M STRUGGLING WITH A SERMON,
I FIND THAT PLAYING A LITTLE MUSIC HELPS SMOOTH THE WAY.
CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. YEAH.
I JUST MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
I THOUGHT I'D CHECK OUT YOUR PARISH
FOR MY WIFE AND ME AND THE KIDS.
AH, FAMILY MAN. THAT'S NICE TO HEAR THAT, MR...
LEO... LEONI.
I'M JOHN SEJAC.
FATHER.
WHY IS IT NICE TO HEAR THAT?
WELL, WE HAVE A LOT OF OVERSTRESSED YOUNG PROFESSIONALS
HERE IN THE FLOCK, AND...
UNSTABLE RELATIONSHIPS AND ALL THE ISSUES THAT ARE CONNECTED TO THAT
ARE PART OF THE INEVITABILITY I HAVE TO DEAL WITH.
COULD I JUST-WHOA, WHOA.
ROLL THAT BACK A MINUTE.
WHAT ISSUES?
WELL, PRE-MARITAL SEX, MARITAL INFIDELITY,
CONTRACEPTION, ABORTION, DIVORCE.
YOU KNOW, THAT SORT OF THING.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I GREW UP, THAT KIND OF SHIT-
THAT STUFF WAS IMMORAL, PURE AND SIMPLE.
IT'S NOT IN YOUR BOOK?
WELL, MR. LEONI, IT'S MY OPINION
THAT THE CHURCH HAS TO ACKNOWLEDGE
CONTEMPORARY VALUES AND PROBLEMS,
OR ELSE IT CEASES TO BE OF ANY VALUE TO THE PEOPLE.
NOW, IT'S MY GOAL TO RE-ESTABLISH THE CATHOLIC CHURCH
AS A LIVING, POTENT ORGAN,
THROBBING WITH VITALITY,
BURSTING WITH LIFE!
NOW, I WANT TO EMBRACE THE PEOPLE AS THEY ARE,
WITH ALL THEIR CONTEMPORARY PROBLEMS,
TAKE THEM IN MY ARMS AND HOLD THEM,
AND SAY, "HEY, IT'S OK TO BE YOU."
NOW, YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO HEAR A CONFESSION.
EXCUSE ME, FATHER. WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT YOU'RE WEARING,
THAT-THAT-THAT-
THIS IS A CASSOCK.
WHY DO YOU WEAR THAT INSTEAD OF A SUIT?
WELL, IT'S MORE COMFORTABLE.
NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT
SOMETIMES IT... COMES IN HANDY.
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO.
I'M READY FOR YOU NOW.
WHY DON'T YOU COME IN?
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
YOU, TOO, FATHER.
BLESS ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.
MY LAST CONFESSION WAS A WEEK AGO,
AND SINCE THEN I'VE HAD IMPURE THOUGHTS.
AND WHAT WERE THOSE THOUGHTS?
THAT I AM A WICKED WHORE,
WORTHLESS IN GOD'S EYES.
HEY...
IT'S OK TO BE YOU.
HOLY MARY, MOTHER OF GOD
PRAY FOR US SINNERS
NOW AND AT THE HOUR OF OUR DEATH.
AMEN.
OUR FATHER...
I GOT YOUR LIVING, POTENT ORGAN,
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
FACE THE FACTS, MR. BYRNE.
YOUR WORST SUSPICIONS ARE TRUE.
BUT I DON'T WANT IT TO BE OVER
BETWEEN BRIDGET AND ME.
I STILL LOVE HER.
I'M NOT A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR,
BUT OFFHAND I'D SAY IT'S ALREADY OVER BETWEEN YOU.
UNDER THE PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES, THAT IS.
MAYBE IT'S TIME TO SEE A LAWYER.
NO, NO, NO, NO. NO LAWYER.
I CAN STILL GET HER BACK.
IT'S JUST THAT FUCKING PRIEST.
WHY DID YOU COME BACK HERE?
WHAT DO YOU WANT,
REALLY?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY IT?
YOU WANT THE PRIEST DEAD.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I WANT THE PRIEST DEAD.
I WANT THE SON OF A BITCH
SHOT IN HIS DICK,
THEN IN HIS EAR!
AND I WANT BRIDGET TO BE THERE WHEN IT HAPPENS.
THAT'S A TALL ORDER, MR. BYRNE.
FORGET IT.
BUT NOT TOO TALL...
IF YOU HAVE THE MONEY.
HOW MUCH?
A FRACTION OF WHAT THE DIVORCE WOULD COST.
$50,000 FOR THE PEOPLE.
YOU GOT IT.
AND ANOTHER 50 FOR ME,
ALL IN ADVANCE,
TO BE LEFT IN A PLACE OF MY CHOOSING.
IN ADVANCE?
WHAT, I LOOK LIKE A MORON OR SOMETHING?
I'LL OVERLOOK THE IMPLICATIONS OF THAT, MR. BYRNE,
BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN UNDER A GREAT DEAL OF STRESS.
FORGET I MENTIONED IT.
FORGOTTEN.
ONCE YOU LEAVE HERE TONIGHT,
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU OR HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN.
JUST GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS
AS CONSPICUOUSLY AS POSSIBLE.
GO PLACES. SEE PEOPLE. MAKE A LOT OF NOISE.
FORGET ALL ABOUT THIS.
YEAH, BUT...
BUT WHEN WILL IT HAPPEN?
MAYBE A WEEK. MAYBE A MONTH.
BUT IT WILL BE HANDLED.
THE LESS YOU KNOW, THE BETTER.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
IN HIS EAR!
BUS NUMBER 57 DEPARTING FOR DETROIT ON PLATFORM 2.
WILL PASSENGER ED KONINGER
PLEASE GO TO THE INFORMATION OFFICE.
BUS NUMBER 14 ARRIVING FROM NEW ENGLAND AT PLATFORM 4.
I WOULDN'T MISS THIS FOR THE WORLD.
ALL RIGHT.
MMM. THAT'S GOOD.
OH, YEAH?
I'M SORRY, BRIDG.
LEO, I-
I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE ANGRY AT ME,
AND I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY.
IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S NOTHING, DOLL.
LEO, I'M REALLY TIRED.
NIGHT-NIGHT.
BRIDGET.
BRIDGET!
I CAN'T TAKE THIS!
SON OF A BITCH.
HEY.
SHIT!
FATHER, ARE YOU THERE?
FATHER?
YES. ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.
JUST ONE MOMENT.
BLESS ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.
MY LAST CONFESSION WAS A WEEK AGO.
SO, WHAT ARE YOUR SINS?
IF YOU HAVE TO SEEK ABSOLUTION,
YOU HAVE TO TELL ME YOUR SINS.
I'VE BEEN A BAD...
NO, I'VE BEEN A TERRIBLE WIFE.
A LIAR WHO HAS CAUSED ME HUSBAND TOO MUCH SUFFERING.
WHAT DID YOU LIE ABOUT?
MY REASONS WHY I DON'T PERFORM
THE DUTIES OF A WIFE MORE OFTEN.
WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT?
I WANTED TO TELL HIM, FATHER, SO MANY TIMES,
BUT I WAS AFRAID HE WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU SEE, MY MOTHER DIED GIVING BIRTH.
AND I'M SO AFRAID IT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME
IF EVER I GOT PREGNANT, I JUST-
WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THAT IT?
YES.
I'M TRULY PENITENT IN ME HEART,
AND I'M READY TO MAKE AN ACT OF CONTRITION
IF ONLY YOU CAN GRANT ME ABSOLUTION.
YOU DIDN'T DO IT.
YOU DIDN'T DO IT!
LEO?
OH, BRIDGET.
IS THAT YOU?
IT'S ME. BRIDG, COME ON.
GET OUT OF THERE.
COME ON.
OH, LEO!
LEO...
IT DOESN'T...
WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THERE?
IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, BABY!
ALL IS FORGIVEN! IT'S ALL RIGHT.
LET GO OF HER, FATHER.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE. NO...
THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
SEE, LOOK-LOOK-
I'M NO PRIEST.
I'M THE GUY WHO HIRED YOU.
Who is it?
AND I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE. YOU'RE-
IN YOUR EAR, FATHER.
OH, LEO.
LEO!
OH, LEO.
OH, LEO?
NO.
NO, LEO.
NO!
NO.
IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER,
AND THE SON, AND THE HOLY SPIRIT.
OH, LORD, DO NOT BRING YOUR SERVANT TO TRIAL,
FOR NO MAN BECOMES HOLY IN YOUR SIGHT
UNLESS YOU GRANT HIM FORGIVENESS OF ALL HIS SINS.
ON THE AIR
TALK ABOUT A PAIN IN THE APSE!
THAT'S LOVE FOR YOU.
EERIE TODAY, GAUNT TOMORROW.
AS FOR ME, KIDDIES, MY SHIFT'S UP.
IT'S THE TOP OF THE HOUR.
TIME FOR YOUR FAVORITE MORNING MAN...
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A "SHOCK JOCK" BEFORE?