AH HA HA HA!
OH, HELLO KIDDIES.
TONIGHT'S COFFIN CAPER IS SO CRAMMED WITH GHASTLY GREED
SICKENING SEX AND VOMITUS VIOLENCE.
THAT PARENTAL GUIDANCE IS ADVISED.
SO GUIDE YOUR PARENTS OUT OF THE ROOM SO WE CAN HAVE SOME FUN.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
THIS TALE CONCERNS A GAMBLING MAN
WITH A BAD CASE OF DOUBLE VISION
WHO'S ABOUT TO HIT THEHACKPOT.
I CALL THIS TWIN HELPING OF HORROR...
SPLIT PERSONALITY.
AH, THE BUZZARD TOOK THE MONKEY
FOR A RIDE IN THE AIR
THE MONKEY THOUGHT THAT EVERYTHING
WAS ON THE SQUARE
THE BUZZARD TRIED TO THROW THE MONKEY
OFF HIS BACK
THE MONKEY GRABBED HIS NECK AND SAID, "NOW, LISTEN, JACK"
"STRAIGHTEN UP AND FLY RIGHT"
"OH, COOL DOWN, PAPA, DON'T YOU BLOW YOUR TOP"
WELL, THE BUZZARD TOLD THE MONKEY
"YOU ARE CHOKING ME"
"RELEASE YOUR HOLD, AND I'LL SET YOU FREE"
THE MONKEY LOOKED THE BUZZARD RIGHT DEAD IN THE EYE
SAID, "YOUR STORY'S TOUCHING, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE A LIE"
HIT ME.
I'M SORRY. I'M NEW AT THIS.
THESE GREEN CHIPS ARE WORTH $5.00, RIGHT?
$50, SIR.
NO, NO, NO.
I MADE A MISTAKE I MEANT TO BET 5.
THE BET'S ON THE TABLE.
I MADE A MISTAKE.
THE BET'S ON THE TABLE.
I MADE A MISTAKE. I CAN'T AFFORD THIS MUCH.
I'M SORRY, SIR. HOUSE RULES.
THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO.
HIT ME.
19. DEALER COULD HAVE 20.
WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER CARD, SIR?
UH... YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS,
BUT MY KID, YOU KNOW...
HE CAN'T TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF.
NOW THEY TELL ME
HE HAS THIS KIDNEY THING.
THE INSURANCE WON'T COVER IT
BECAUSE I HAD TROUBLE IN THE ARMY, IN NAM.
WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER CARD, SIR?
GO AHEAD.
YOU MAKE BLACKJACK ON THE NEXT CARD,
THE HOUSE PAYS 5 TO 1.
IF HE GIVES ME A 2.
100 SAYS IT IS.
YOU GOT MORE TO LOSE?
UH, WHAT THE HELL.
DEAL ME A 2.
HEY.
HEH HEH HEH!
THERE.
WHOA, WHOA.
NO, THAT'S FOR YOUR BOYS OPERATION.
ARE YOU KIDDING I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE GAME.
NO. I CAN'T TAKE IT.
NO. IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, DAN.
DON.
LISTEN, DON.
IT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, BUT I CANNOT ACCEPT IT.
YOU KEEP THAT.
MY GUT SAYS YOU NEED THAT MORE THAN I.
MY GUT NEVER LIES,
LIKE KNOWING THAT 2 WAS WAITING FOR YOU.
LET ME TELL YOU, 2'S MY LUCKY NUMBER.
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE COME IN TWOS, UNDERSTAND?
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE COMES IN TWOS.
MAKE IT TWO DOUBLES.
LOOK, DON.
I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU.
I'M NOT IN GREAT FINANCIAL SHAPE,
BUT I CAN STILL CALL A FAVOR.
I KNOW YOU NEED A WAD FOR YOUR MEDICAL EXPENSES,
SO HERE'S THE DEAL.
I GOT AN INSIDE LINE
ON A NO-RISK, TAX-FREE, LIMITED-PARTNERSHIP INVESTMENT
GUARANTEED TO DOUBLE OUR MONEY.
MINIMUM-10 GRAND.
YOU KEEP THAT CASH. WRITE ME A PERSONAL CHECK.
GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS AND YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
INSIDE TWO WEEKS, WE'RE SITTING PRETTY.
YOUR BOY GETS HIS OPERATION.
FRIENDS DOING EACH OTHER A FAVOR.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, DAN?
DON.
AND HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, SIR?
HUNDREDS WILL BE JUST FINE.
ALWAYS A PLEASURE, JIMMY.
DON'T MENTION IT, SLICK.
I GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS SHIT HOLE.
I'M SORRY TIRED OF DODGING FEDS.
SWEET-TALKING OLD LADIES
OUT OF THEIR RAINY-DAY CASH.
ONE OF THESE DAYS.
ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'M GOING TO SETTLE DOWN.
I'M GOING TO MAKE THAT BIG CON.
WHO KNOWS...
MAYBE I'LL EVEN GET MARRIED.
DID YOU PAY ME TO FUCK OR LISTEN TO YOUR LIFE STORY?
SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
I PAY YOU TO BE, WHAT EVER.
I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I SAW THAT PICTURE
THE PARENT TRAP WITH HAYLEY MILLS.
I USED TO POP A WOODY EVERY TIME I SAW THOSE TWO DO A SCENE.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO MAKE IT WITH TWINS.
CATERINA
OH HO HO
WHEN WE KISS, PRETTY MISS, PRETTY MISS
I'M IN ECSTASY
SI, SI, SI, SI
OH, HOW HAPPY MY LIFE WOULD BE
IF I KNEW THAT YOU LOVED JUST ME
SAY IT'S TRUE
SAY YOU DO
CATERINA
SON OF A BITCH!
TALK ABOUT A WARM WELCOME.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PIECE OF SHIT.
COME IN.
THANK YOU. DON'T MIND IF I DO.
HELLO?
"ETCHYSON DOBBS BLAIR."
WHAT A GOOFY LOOKING FUCK HE WAS.
DON'T MOVE!
UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR BRAINS ALL OVER DADDY'S PICTURE.
HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE ANYWAYS?
TAKE IT EASY, O. K.?
I JUST HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.
I PROMISE.
I'M APRIL.
THAT'S JUNE.
WHAT HAPPENED TO MAY?
EXCUSE ME.
PARDON MY ATTEMPT AT A LITTLE LEVITY.
I'LL JUST USE THE TELEPHONE, O. K.?
DON'T DO NOTHING.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
SEE?
I JUST WANT TO USE THE PHONE.
YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOME.
NEXT TO THE CASE OBSERVATORY UP IN OAK VALLEY,
I THINK THAT THIS HOUSE MIGHT BE BLAIR'S
GREATEST ARCHITECTURAL ACHIEVEMENT.
GERMAN EXPRESSION EASTERN INFLUENCE,
50'S FUTURISM.
YOU KNEW WHO OUR FATHER WAS? YOU KNEW WHO OUR FATHER WAS?
ARE YOU KIDDING? THE MAN WAS A GENIUS.
IF YOU LOOK ATWHO'S WHO IN ARCHITECTURE,
YOUR FATHER'S THE ONLY LISTING.
I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY
WHO TOOK THE INFLUENCE OF THE BAUHAUS SCHOOL
AND ADAPTED IT BETTER TO HIS OWN UNIQUE STYLE.
THE GUY WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
I NEED A TOW TRUCK.
DO THAT LATER.
YOU'VE BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT.
WELL, IT WASN'T A SERIOUS ACCIDENT.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?
I'M APRIL.
A PLEASURE. AND YOU?
JUNE.
VERY NICE TO SEE YOU.
WE DON'T HAVE MANY VISITORS.
REALLY? GIRLS AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU TWO?
I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
THE OCCASIONAL ARCHITECTURAL JOURNAL, BUT...
MOST PEOPLE THINK WE'RE NAIVE.
THEY'D LOVE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF US.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE WORTH 2 BILLION?
SO THERE I WAS AT SOTHERBY'S.
WHEN MY GOOD FRIEND, PRESTON CHATFIELD.
THE HYANNIS PORT, CHATFIELDS.
AND I WAS READY TO MAKE A BID ON THIS EXQUISITE LAMP.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I NOTICED A TINIEST SCRATCH ON THE FINISH.
I SAID, OH, MY CAT DID THAT TWO YEARS AGO.
THAT LAMP USED TO BE IN MY COLLECTION.
COULD YOU IMAGINE.
DO YOU LIKE CATS?
DO I LIKE CATS?
SOMETIMES I TRUST CATS MORE THAN I DO PEOPLE.
SOMEBODY CALL FOR A TOE TRUCK?
I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO LAST.
WELL, LADIES THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY.
I HOPE I DIDN'T CAUSE TOO MUCH OF AN INCONVENIENCE.
I AM TRULY HUMBLED.
MR. STETSON?
MY SISTER AND I...
IF YOU'D CARE TO COME BY AGAIN.
I FIGURED I MUST OF DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN.
AT FIRST I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHY A COUPLE RICH BABES LIKE THAT
HOLED UP LIKE HERMITS?
HEY, WHEN FISH COME TO YOU ALREADY IN A BARREL,
A GUY CAN'T COMPLAIN TOO MUCH.
SO, I WENT TO WORK.
EVERYBODY LOVES SOMEBODY SOMETIME
EVERYBODY FALLS IN LOVE SOMEHOW
SOMETHING IN YOUR KISS JUST TOLD ME
MY SOMETIME...
AND SLOWLY BUT SURELY,
THEY STARTED TO COME OUT OF THE SHELLS THEY WERE IN.
ICEBERGS STARTING TO THAW OUT.
THERE'S NO TELLING WHERE LOVE MAY APPEAR
SOMETHING IN MY HEART KEEPS SAYING...
I WAS REELING THEM IN, ALL RIGHT.
ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?
I ONLY WISH THERE WERE TWO OF HIM.
THEN THE DAY CAME I HAD TO MAKE MY MOVE.
I HAD TO GET EACH OF THEM ALONE.
AND WHEN I DID,
THAT'S WHEN THINGS GOT REAL INTERESTING.
YOU SEE, DADDY DESIGNED BOTH BEDROOMS EXACTLY ALIKE...
LIKE TWO SIDES OF A MIRROR.
KIND OF LIKE ME AND JUNE.
OH, YEAH?
MM-HMM.
WHERE IS JUNE ANYWAY?
APRIL? OH, SHE WENT OUT.
HASN'T BEEN OUT OF THE HOUSE IN MONTHS.
JUNE'S ALWAYS BEEN
A LITTLE MORE OUTGOING THAN ME, ANYWAY.
WE NEVER NEEDED TO GO OUT BEFORE DADDY DIED.
WE FOUGHT OVER HIM CONSTANTLY,
BUT NOW WE HAVE EACH OTHER.
YOU TWO ARE PRETTY CLOSE, AREN'T YOU?
INSEPARABLE.
UNTIL NOW.
SHE SEEMS SWEET.
OH, SHE IS... UNLESS YOU CROSS HER.
COME AGAIN?
WELL, I MEAN,
EVERYONE HAS A DARK SIDE, DON'T THEY?
THE SIDE YOU DON'T SEE.
SHE'S GOT A TEMPER, HUH?
ALMOST LIKE A SPLIT PERSONALITY.
I CAN'T SEE YOUR SISTER OR YOU HURTING A FLY.
YOU DON'T KNOW.
LOOK, I WOULD NEVER SAY THIS TO HER,
SO IT'S GOT TO BE OUR LITTLE SECRET, O. K.?
MY SISTER AND I DON'T HAVE SECRETS.
WE SHARE EVERYTHING... 50-50.
BUT THIS MIGHT HURT HER FEELINGS.
YOU DON'T WANT THAT, DO YOU?
SEE, I'M AFRAID YOU TWO AIN'T EXACTLY IDENTICAL.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
ONE OF YOU IS A LITTLE MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN THE OTHER.
NO OFFENSE, BUT FOR A COUPLE OF WALLFLOWERS
WHO DON'T GET OUT MUCH,
THESE TWO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A NUN.
I GOT THEM IN THE PALM OF MY HAND.
EITHER ONE WOULD MARRY ME IN A NEW YORK MINUTE.
ALL I GOT TO DO IS POP THE QUESTION.
BUT THAT ONLY GETS ME HALF THE FORTUNE.
THEY BOTH GOT EQUAL SAY IN EVERY CENT-
50-50.
THE ONLY WAY I CAN GET IT ALL IS IF I MARRY BOTH OF THEM.
PPFFT.
AND THE ONLY WAY I COULD DO THAT...
HUH...
IS IF THERE WERE...
TWO OF ME!
TWIN BROTHER? TWIN BROTHER?
I WAS EMBARRASSED TO BRING IT UP TILL NOW.
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
HIS NAME IS JACK. HE'S IN SOUTH AFRICA.
WE HAVE HOLDINGS THERE.
BUSINESS DEMANDS THAT ONE OF US STAY THERE AT ALL TIMES.
HE STAYS THERE A MONTH.
I SPOT HIM THE NEXT.
THIS MEANS...
YOU'RE LEAVING?
I'M AFRAID SO.
IT'S ONLY FOR A MONTH.
MY BROTHER WILL BE HOME IN A FEW DAYS.
I TOLD HIM ABOUT YOU TWO.
MAYBE HE COULD DROP BY FOR A LITTLE VISIT?
BUT, I MUST WARN YOU, HE'S MORE OUT GOING THAN I AM.
HE'S NOT AS EDUCATED OR WELL SPOKEN.
YOU KNOW HE TALKS THAT CALIFORNIA JARGON.
AND HE'S VERY FLAMBOYANT.
WHOA, LADIES.
VIC TOLD ME YOU WERE RADICAL BABES,
BUT I MUST CONFESS
TO BEING TOTALLY STOKED AND OVERWHELMED, YOU DIG?
HEE HEE! HEE HEE!
HA HA HA!
I'M TOO SEXY FOR MILAN
TOO SEXY FOR MILAN
DO YOU, APRIL DOBBS BLAIR,
TAKE THIS MAN TO HAVE AND TO HOLD
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
AS LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LIVE?
I DO.
DO YOU, JUNE ETCHYSON BLAIR,
TAKE THIS MAN TO HONOR AND CHERISH
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
AS LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LIVE?
I DO.
BY THE POWERS VESTED IN ME,
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND AND WIFE.
BINGO.
HO! HEY! SHUT THAT!
CHARLIE CHAN, EXCUSE ME.
I DON'T MEAN TO INTRUDE,
BUT I'D LIKE TO CATCH A FEW ZZZS.
DO YOU MIND? GO PLAY SOMEPLACE ELSE, O. K.?
CHARMING.
SEE? NICE AND QUIET, CALM, SERENE.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HA HA HA!
LIFE'S A BITCH, AIN'T IT, WONG?
APRIL LOVE IS FOR THE VERY YOUNG
ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?
THAT WE CAN PUT THE PAST BEHIND US?
WE DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
DADDY WOULD HAVE WANTED IT THIS WAY.
I WISH BOTH OUR HUSBANDS
COULD BE WITH US AT THE SAME TIME.
WE COULD ALWAYS SHARE.
DARLING, WHY CAN'T I COME WITH YOU TO SOUTH AFRICA?
I TOLD YOU IT'S HOT, IT'S STICKY, YOU'D HATE IT.
WHEN'S YOUR BROTHER COMING BACK ANYWAYS?
JUNE MISSES HIM SO MUCH, SHE'S BESIDE HERSELF.
TOMORROW NIGHT. WHY IS THIS DRAWER ALWAYS LOCKED?
WHAT THE HELL'S IN IT, ANYWAY?
WHERE'S MY SHIRT?
OH. THANK YOU.
HONEY.
WHAT?
YOUR BACK.
OH, YEAH, YEAH. I GOT A LITTLE SUNBURN.
SUN'S A LOT HOTTER IN SOUTH AFRICA.
I'LL TELL YOU, THE MAN IS AN ANIMAL.
LAST NIGHT, HE TIED ME TO THE BED WHEN WE...
YOU KNOW.
AND IT WASN'T THE FIRST TIME EITHER.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
VIC DOES THAT TO ME, TOO.
NO!
THEY'RE ALIKE IN ALL SORTS OF WAYS.
WHEN JACK TOOK OFF HIS SHIRT FOR BED,
HIS BACK WAS ALL TANNED
EXCEPT FOR THIS LITTLE PALE STRIP.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
JUST BEFORE VIC LEFT FOR SOUTH AFRICA,
HE SUNBURNED HIS BACK.
HE HAD THE SAME...
THING.
I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY HAIR
TOO SEXY FOR THIS EARRING
TOO SEXY
I'M TOO SEXY FOR THIS HOUSE
TOO SEXY-
HEY, HONEY!
YOU TWO BITCHING BABES BETTER BE GETTING DRESSED!
I'M TAKING YOU OUT FOR THE MOST AWESOME FEAST EVER!
GET THE FUCK OUT.
"TWINS ACQUITTED OF FATHER'S DEATH
BY JUVENILE COURT."
YOU GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING!
HEY.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING?
LET ME GO. LET ME GO.
HELLO, DARLING. HELLO, DARLING.
O. K., SO I LOVED YOU BOTH.
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?
DIDN'T I MAKE YOU HAPPY?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FATHER.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU DID ANYTHING.
EVEN IF YOU DID, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DIFFERENCE?
WHAT DO I CARE?
GIRLS, YOU WERE FRIVOLOUS LITTLE KIDS.
WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU DID?
WE DID DO IT.
WE SHARED EVERYTHING.
WE DIDN'T WANT TO SHARE HIM ANYMORE.
IT WAS TOO HARD.
WE WERE TOO SELFISH.
LIKE NOW.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WHERE'S SHE GOING?
HEY! HEY!
WHAT'S SHE DOING?
I'M GOING TO LET HER DO THE HONORS.
WHAT HONORS?
SHE WAS ALWAYS THE MORE OUTGOING ONE,
RIGHT, JACK?
HEY!
SCREWBALLS!
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
COME ON.
GET OUT OF HERE WITH THAT!
ARE YOU CRAZY?
AH, THE BUZZARD TOOK A MONKEY
FOR A RIDE IN THE AIR
IT'S ALL RIGHT NOW, HONEY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THE BUZZARD TRIED TO THROW THE MONKEY
OFF HIS BACK
THE MONKEY GRABBED HIS NECK AND SAID, "NOW, LISTEN, JACK"
"STRAIGHTEN UP AND FLY RIGHT"
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT FROM NOW ON.
"STRAIGHTEN UP AND FLY RIGHT"
"OH, COOL DOWN, PAPA, DON'T YOU BLOW YOUR TOP"
I GUESS, VINO VIC, THOUGHT HE COULD DOUBLE HIS FUN AND HIS BANK ACCOUNT.
TO BAD HE WAS ONLY HALF RIGHT.
OH WELL, IT JUST PROVES THE OLD SAYING.
BEHIND EVERY BAD MAN
THERE'S TWO WOMAN
WITH A CHAIN SAW!
HA HA HA HA HA!
SO, KIDDIES, CARE FOR A LITTLEMAIMOF CHANCE?
DEADS, I WIN, TAILS, YOUOOZE!
AH HA HA HA!