"A BOY...
OLIVER TWIST... "
WHAT?
SO WHERE'S THE TWIST?
AND I HAD SUCH GREAT EXPECTATIONS.
AH.
NOW HERE'S A STORY
YOU CAN SINK YOUR TEETH INTO...
A TOOTHSOME TALE OF TOMMYROT
GUARANTEED TO SCARE THE DICKENS OUT OF YOU.
LEAN IN, FRIGHT FANS.
I'M GOING TO LET YOU IN ONTHE SECRET.
Woman: DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?
NOW, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER
IS THAT THESE BOYS CANNOT-
I REPEAT- CANNOT BE TRUSTED.
Second woman: THEY SEEM SO SWEET.
I'M NOT HAVING ANY PROBLEMS AT ALL.
HA HA. OF COURSE THEY SEEM SWEET.
THEY SEEM DARLING, DON'T THEY?
SOME OF THEM HAVE TO BE WATCHED EVERY SINGLE MINUTE.
I HAVE BEEN RUNNING THIS ORPHANAGE FOR 20 YEARS.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY BOYS I'VE RAISED?
NO, MA'AM.
AT THIS POINT...
AND THE WORST THING IS THEY CHEAT.
DON'T YOU EVER SEE THEM CHEAT?
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER'S PAPERS.
I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT HAPPEN.
WELL, I'M TELLING YOU THAT THEY DO.
AND I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
YES. I UNDERSTAND.
YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT DISCIPLINE.
IT'S OUR DUTY TO PROTECT THESE LITTLE RAGAMUFFINS
FROM BECOMING JUVENILE DELINQUENTS.
YES, MA'AM.
THERE'S ONE MORE THING.
WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEODORE.
HE'S WELL PAST THE DESIRABLE AGE FOR PLACEMENT.
MOST ADOPTIVE PARENTS ARE LOOKING
FOR SOME CUTE LITTLE TODDLER.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS REAL PARENTS?
YOU MUST NEVER EVER MENTION HIS REAL PARENTS.
DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?
OR HIS BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS.
YES, MA'AM.
THEODORE! GET OUT OF HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU WERE SPYING, WEREN'T YOU?
NO, MISS HAGSTEAD. I WAS HUNGRY.
YOU LITTLE RAT!
STEALING FOOD WHILE THE OTHER CHILDREN SLEEP?
I'M BIGGER THAN THE OTHER KIDS.
AND THAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO SNEAK AROUND
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? DOES IT?
DOES IT?
TAKE HIM BACK UPSTAIRS.
MAKE SURE...
THAT HE DOESN'T LEAVE HIS ROOM AGAIN.
YES, MA'AM.
YOU AND MISS HAGSTEAD
WERE TELLING SECRETS ABOUT ME, WEREN'T YOU?
WHAT MISS HAGSTEAD AND I DISCUSS AT NIGHT IS VERY PRIVATE.
MISS HEATHER, DO YOU HAVE TO LOCK ME IN MY ROOM?
SHH. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES, THEO.
JUST TRY AND GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
THERE'LL BE OATMEAL AND WARM BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST.
AND WHAT'S FOR LUNCH?
WELL, WE'LL HAVE VEGETABLE SOUP AND CRACKERS
AND LEMONADE AND...
MISS HAGSTEAD!
MISS HAGSTEAD, THEODORE'S GONE.
I WENT TO HIS ROOM TO GET HIM OUT,
AND HIS WINDOW WAS OPEN, AND HE WAS GONE.
OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. HE'LL BE BACK.
HE HAS THESE LITTLE TEMPER TANTRUMS EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
AND RUNS OFF FOR A FEW HOURS.
HE'S INCORRIGIBLE. WE'VE GOT TO TRY TO GET RID OF HIM.
WELL. GOOD MORNING, THEODORE.
CLIMBING OUT THE WINDOW
AND SLIDING DOWN THE DRAIN PIPE IN A STORM
IS DIRTY WORK, ISN'T IT?
I WANT YOU TO GET OUT OF THOSE CLOTHES
AND HELP JOEY IN THE KITCHEN. NOW!
YES, MA'AM.
HE'S GETTING WORSE.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN BOOGERS AND BROCCOLI?
I DON'T KNOW.
KIDS DON'T EAT BROCCOLI.
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
BUT DON'T TELL THAT TO MISS HAGSTEAD.
THEO, I HAVE SOME EXCITING NEWS.
JOEY, WHY DON'T YOU RUN OFF AND PLAY?
PLAY, PLAY, PLAY.
I NEVER GET TO STICK AROUND FOR THE GOOD STUFF.
THEO, THERE'S SOME SPECIAL PEOPLE COMING HERE TONIGHT.
THEY'RE VERY INTERESTED IN MEETING YOU.
IT'S IMPORTANT THAT WE MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION.
YOU DO UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS COULD MEAN, DON'T YOU?
CHEER UP, BUCKAROO. IT'S OK.
Miss Hagstead: MISS HEATHER.
YES, MA'AM. COMING.
Woman: YOU ARE PERFECT.
ISN'T HE PERFECT?
MMM.
HE'S PERFECT.
WE'LL TAKE HIM.
ALL THE REST OF YOU ARE EXCUSED.
EXCELLENT CHOICE.
WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO GO?
THEODORE.
OH, I UNDERSTAND.
THIS IS YOUR HOME, THEODORE.
BUT WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO COME AND LIVE WITH US
IN THE LAP OF LUXURY?
IMAGINE...
HAVING YOUR OWN BATHROOM
WITH TOWELS THAT HAVE YOUR INITIALS ON THEM.
BUT COULD I TAKE JOEY?
DOO-DOO-DOO. THEODORE.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST DISCUSS IT OVER A CUP OF TEA.
THEODORE, YOU WANNA COME HELP ME IN THE KITCHEN?
EXCUSE US.
NOW LISTEN TO ME, YOU PESKY LITTLE SPUTNIK!
IF THESE PEOPLE WANT YOU, YOU'RE GOING.
WHERE ARE MY REAL PARENTS, MISS HAGSTEAD?
YOUR REAL PARENTS?
OH, THEODORE.
THEODORE, THEY WERE KILLED
WHEN YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE BABY.
HOW DID THEY DIE?
WHAT?
I...
THE DETAILS AREN'T IMPORTANT.
OH, THEODORE.
THE COLBERTS, THEY'RE A LITTLE ECCENTRIC,
BUT THEY'RE GOING TO PROVIDE YOU
WITH A LOVELY HOME,
GOOD, SWEET THINGS TO EAT.
YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?
Mrs. Colbert: HOME AT LAST.
OH, IT WON'T BE LONG
BEFORE YOU'LL FORGET
ALL ABOUT THAT NASTY OLD ORPHANAGE, THEODORE.
WON'T IT BE WONDERFUL HAVING HIM?
Mr. Colbert: MMM.
WONDERFUL...
HAVING HIM.
WOW.
IT'S LIKE A MUSEUM.
LILITU, HUSH.
YOU MUST NEVER TOUCH ANYTHING, THEODORE.
SOME OF THESE OBJECTS ARE EXTREMELY OLD,
AND OTHERS HAVE...
SENTIMENTAL VALUE.
WOW.
THANKS A LOT-
YOU'VE BEEN SO PATIENT.
WE'VE WAITED SO LONG.
MMM.
MRS. COLBERT.
WHY DID YOU LOCK THE DOOR?
MR. COLBERT?
WHAT DID MISS HAGSTEAD TELL THEM?
BREAKFAST, YOUNG SIR.
WOW.
I'LL BE SERVING ALL YOUR MEALS
WHILE THE COLBERTS ARE AWAY AT WORK.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN GET FOR YOU, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.
NAME IS TOBIAS.
THANK YOU, TOBIAS.
MAY I HAVE A GLASS OF MILK?
HOW ABOUT A MILKSHAKE?
I THINK I'M GOING TO LIKE IT HERE.
ONE MILKSHAKE COMING RIGHT UP.
AND IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE YOU DESIRE,
PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO CALL.
WHY ARE THERE BARS OUTSIDE THE WINDOWS?
THERE ARE BARS OUTSIDE ALL THE WINDOWS IN THIS HOUSE...
FOR SECURITY.
THE COLBERTS COLLECT ANTIQUES.
MMM.
OH, WHAT A GLORIOUS NIGHT.
MMM. GLORIOUS.
MRS. COLBERT?
WHY DO I HAVE TO STAY IN MY ROOM ALL DAY
WHILE YOU AND MR. COLBERT ARE AT WORK?
YOU'RE THE MOST PRECIOUS THING WE HAVE, THEODORE.
WE DON'T WANT TO RISK YOUR GETTING LOST
IN THOSE WOODS. MM-HMM.
AND TOBIAS IS MUCH TOO OLD TO BE CHASING AFTER YOU.
I'VE BEEN THINKING.
MAYBE SOMETIME, COULD WE GO OUT?
YOU KNOW, LIKE TO THE MOVIES
OR ROLLER SKATING OR A BALL GAME,
LIKE A REAL FAMILY.
WHAT A LOVELY IDEA, THEODORE.
UNFORTUNATELY, MR. COLBERT AND I HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW.
BUT WE'RE IN THE MIDST OF PLANNING
SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL FOR YOU, THEODORE.
VERY SPECIAL.
REALLY? WHAT?
OH, IT'S A SECRET. WHEN?
YOU DON'T WANT US TO SPOIL THE SECRET, DO YOU?
I HATE SECRETS.
MMM.
Tobias: LUNCH TIME.
WE HAVE STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE
AND A CHOCOLATE SUNDAE WITH EXTRA SYRUP.
HERE WE ARE.
WE NEVER GOT FOOD LIKE THIS AT THE ORPHANAGE.
TOBIAS.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN COME BACK AND VISIT BEFORE SUPPER?
I SUPPOSE I COULD COME BACK,
AND WE COULD PLAY A LITTLE CARDS OR SOMETHING.
Miss Hagstead: IT'S OUR DUTY TO PROTECT THESE LITTLE RAGAMUFFINS
FROM BECOMING JUVENILE DELINQUENTS.
Miss Heather: YES, MA'AM.
IT'S OUR DUTY.
YES, MA'AM.
YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT DISCIPLINE.
DISCIPLINE, DISCIPLINE, DISCIPLINE.
Miss Hagstead: MISS HEATHER!
IS THAT KITCHEN CLEANED UP YET?
IS SOMETHING WRONG, THEO?
NO.
I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE PLAYING ANYMORE.
WHERE ARE THE COLBERTS?
WELL...
THEY'RE INDISPOSED.
SURPRISE!
A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, THEODORE
HURRY, THEODORE. BLOW OUT YOUR CANDLES.
OH, GOOD!
BUT IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.
WELL, OF COURSE IT ISN'T, DEAR.
THEN IT WOULDN'T BE A SURPRISE.
IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD, BUT I'M REALLY NOT HUNGRY.
I HAD A COUPLE BOXES OF CRACKER JACKS ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
WELL, SAVE IT FOR LATER, THEN.
WELL, YOU BOYS ENJOY YOURSELVES.
YOUR FATHER AND I ARE GOING OUT
TO PAINT THE TOWN RED.
OPEN YOUR PRESENTS, THEODORE.
GOOD NIGHT... SON.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU WORKED FOR THE COLBERTS?
FOR A LONG TIME.
SINCE I WAS A YOUNG MAN.
WHEN YOU WERE A KID,
DID YOUR MOM AND DAD WORK EVERY DAY LIKE THE COLBERTS DO?
I NEVER KNEW MY MOTHER AND FATHER.
YOU, TOO?
YES.
I WAS AN ORPHAN, LIKE YOURSELF.
WERE YOU EVER ADOPTED?
NO.
THERE WAS A TOBIAS AT THE ORPHANAGE,
BUT WE CALLED HIM TOBY.
DOES ANYBODY CALL YOU TOBY?
NO.
BUT YOU MAY IF YOU INSIST.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE, TOBY.
Mrs. Colbert: TOBIAS!
TIME FOR BED.
TOBY?
GOOD NIGHT, TOBY.
GOOD NIGHT, MY BOY.
Mr. Colbert: WAKE HIM UP WHEN WE RETURN.
Mrs. Colbert: NO. THIS WAS MY IDEA.
I'LL CALL THE SHOTS,
AND I'LL DECIDE
WHEN OUR LITTLE ORPHANED DELICACY IS READY FOR...
IS READY FOR-
SHH! I CAN HEAR HIS LITTLE HEART BEATING.
SUCH A SWEET BOY.
I DON'T THINK I CAN WAIT MUCH LONGER.
WHEN WE GET HOME,
WE'LL TELL HIM OUR SECRET.
WAKE UP, THEODORE. WE HAVE TO GO.
HURRY!
I DON'T FEEL WELL.
I HAVE TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE.
IT MAY ALREADY BE TOO LATE.
WELL, WELL.
HELLO, BOYS.
MAKING OFF WITH THE GOODS, ARE WE, TOBIAS?
BUT WE HAVEN'T TOLD HIM OUR SECRET YET.
I CAN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT.
WE MADE A DEAL, TOBIAS.
YOU ASKED FOR IMMORTALITY.
TONIGHT WE GIVE IT TO YOU.
NOT BAD COMPENSATION
FOR A LITTLE BABY-SITTING JOB.
TOBIAS!
DON'T YOU WANT EVERLASTING LIFE?
I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYTHING MORE TEDIOUS AND BORING.
YOU QUIT, I TAKE IT.
PLEASE.
LET THE BOY GO.
BUT HIS BLOOD IS SO SWEET NOW.
NO! THEODORE, RUN!
NO! TOBY!
TOBY!
LILITU!
LEAVE SOME FOR US!
Mr. Colbert: GOOD DOG, LILITU.
WHEW.
IF WE WEREN'T ALREADY DEAD, THEODORE,
YOU'D BE THE DEATH OF US. HA HA HA.
NOW I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PARENTS.
I KNOW WHY MISS HAGSTEAD WANTED TO GET RID OF ME.
I HAVE A SECRET, TOO, MRS. COLBERT.
I'M SURE YOU HAVE, DEAR.
AND MINE IS BETTER THAN YOURS.
I'M A WEREWOLF.
AND I HAVE AN APPETITE FOR VAMPIRES!
AAH!
WHO IS IT? WHO'S THERE?
SHH! SHH! SHH! SHH!
YOU'LL WAKE THE WHOLE DAMN LOT OF THEM.
GOOD EVENING, MISS HAGSTEAD, MISS HEATHER.
I'M HOME.
YOU'RE BACK.
I KNOW MY SECRET, MISS HAGSTEAD,
AND I THINK SOME THINGS
ARE GOING TO CHANGE AROUND HERE.
AAH! AAH!
FINALLY THE KID GETS THE UPPER HAND,
OR SHOULD I SAY THE UPPER PAW?
JUST WHEN MOM AND POP ARE ABOUT TO SATISFY THEIR SWEET TOOTH,
THEODORE DECIDES TO WOLF DOWN SOMETHING BESIDES SWEETS.
WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, KIDDIES.
AS ONE COW SAID TO THE OTHER
AS THEY HEADED OFF TO SLAUGHTER,
TILL NEXT WE MEAT.