THERE YOU ARE, SPORTS FIENDS.
YOU KNOW, DEAD PEOPLE LIKE ME
MAKE EXCELLENT POINT GUARDS.
WHEN WE CAN'T GET OFF A SHOT,
WE SIMPLY PASS...
AWAY, THAT IS. HA HA HA HA!
SPEAKING OF WHICH,
ALLOW ME TO BE YOURFEAR-LEADER
FOR TONIGHT'S HALF-TIME SHOW.
IT'S A PUTRID PLAYLET
ABOUT MY PERSONAL FAVORITE SPORT-
BEING A MORTICIAN.
I FITTINGLY CALL IT FITTING PUNISHMENT.
ROCK OF AGES, CLEFT FOR ME
LET ME HIDE MYSELF IN THEE
LET THE WATER AND THE BLOOD
FROM THY WOUNDED SIDE WHICH FLOWED
Woman: IT'S SO SAD. SHE WAS SO GOOD.
BE OF SIN THE DOUBLE CURE
Man: COME ON UP HERE TO THE CURB THERE,
AND I'LL GET THE CAR AND BRING IT AROUND.
SAVE FROM WRATH...
THANKS FOR THE RIDE, MAN.
Man: YO.
THIS FOR SIN COULD NOT ATONE
THOU MUST SAVE
AND THOU ALONE
Woman: OH, MR. THORNTONBERRY,
I DON'T KNOW HOW I CAN EVER THANK YOU.
SHE LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL.
KNOWING I CAN BE OF HELP TO YOU
IN YOUR TIME OF NEED
IS THANKS ENOUGH FOR ME.
NOW, WHY DON'T Y'ALL HEAD ON TO THE CEMETERY?
YOUR SISTER WILL BE ALONG DIRECTLY.
GOD BLESS YOU, MR. THORNTONBERRY.
THANK YOU, MA'AM. THERE YOU ARE.
THERE YOU ARE, MA'AM. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU'LL MAKE IT. THANKS VERY MUCH.
OH, MY DEAR. AN ANGEL FROM HEAVEN ITSELF.
OH, THE GODS HAVE DESCENDED UPON US
AND BROUGHT US SUCH LOVELINESS OF KIN.
CLYDE...
STOP MESSING WITH THAT DAMN ORGAN,
AND GO PULL THE HEARSE AROUND BACK.
I'LL PREPARE THE CASKET.
YES, SIR, MR. THORNTONBERRY.
YES, SIR.
GET OUT OF HERE, BOY.
THE PARTY'S OVER.
PARTY?
THE VIEWING, YOU IDIOT.
THEY'VE ALL GONE ON TO THE FUNERAL.
ARE YOU BLIND?
I'M NOT HERE FOR NO FUNERAL.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER ME?
THANK THE MERCIFUL LORD, NO.
I'M BOBBY, YOUR NEPHEW?
YOUR SISTER RUBY'S KID.
OH, MY SISTER RUBY...
WELL, YOU CAN TELL THAT NO-GOOD SISTER-
SHE'S DEAD, UNCLE EZRA.
OH, REALLY?
HOW?
WELL, SHE GOT IN A HEAD-ON COLLISION ON I-95.
KILLED MY DADDY, TOO.
HEAD-ON, HUH?
MESSY, I BET.
THAT'S GOOD FOR BUSINESS.
CHARGE A PRETTY PENNY
TO MAKE THEIR LOVED ONES LOOK PRESENTABLE.
HEH HEH.
WHAT YOU WANT HERE, BOY?
WELL, YOU SEE, UNCLE EZRA,
YOU'RE MY ONLY LIVING KIN.
WELL, I-I CAME TO LIVE WITH YOU.
HERE IT IS, ALL LEGAL.
YOU MUST THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY.
LAST THING I NEED IS ANOTHER MOUTH TO FEED.
BUT, UNCLE EZRA, I WON'T BE A PROBLEM.
I PROMISE.
LOOK, I'LL WASH YOUR FLOOR.
I'LL CLEAN YOUR PIANO.
I'LL DO ANYTHING.
YEAH. YOU...
YOU DO LOOK STRONG.
THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING I CAN DO WITH YOU.
GIVE YOU ROOM AND BOARD,
BUT DON'T EXPECT TO GET PAID.
THANKS, UNCLE EZRA. YOU WON'T BE SORRY.
WE'LL SEE.
NOW, LET ME TELL YOU
ABOUT THE MORTUARY BUSINESS, BOY.
LIKE IT SAYS IN THE BIBLE,
"GOD HELPS THE MOURNERS,
FOR THEY ARE BLESSED."
AND GOD ALSO HELPS THOSE...
THAT HELP THEMSELVES.
YOU KEEP MESSING WITH THAT BALL,
I'LL BOUNCE YOUR BALLS RIGHT OUT OF HERE.
SORRY, UNCLE EZRA.
Ezra: YOU CAN SLEEP HERE.
HERE?
THAT'S RIGHT, BOY.
THANKS, UNCLE EZRA.
PUT SOME BEDDING ON IT, IT'LL BE FINE.
YOU KNOW, THE RIGHTEOUS NEED THE DIVINE LIGHT
TO SEE THE TRUTH.
BESIDES, ELECTRICITY COSTS MONEY.
LEAVE THE LIGHTS ALONE, BOY.
Ezra: SHAKE A LEG, BOY.
THIS IS WHERE THE ACTION IS.
YES, SIR.
HERE WE ARE.
WH-WHAT DID HE DIE OF?
NATURAL CAUSES.
YOU'LL KNOW WHAT I MEAN
IF YOU'RE EVER FOOL ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED.
NOW HAND ME ONE OF THOSE ASPIRATORS OVER THERE.
ONE OF THESE?
YEAH. YOU KNOW, THE HUMAN BODY
IS ONE BIG CESSPOOL.
FOOD FLOWS IN,
SHIT FLOWS OUT,
AND BLOOD FLOWS ALL AROUND.
AND IT'S GOT TO BE DRAINED.
Ezra: YES, SIR.
Bobby: OH...
Bobby: OH!
UGH.
IT'S ONLY BLOOD.
GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE OF THESE.
THIS TUB OF LARD WILL START TO STINK
IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
THAT'S WHY WE'VE GOT TO EMBALM HIM.
PASS ME THAT TUBE OVER THERE.
CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS.
DON'T YOU KNOW
HOLD THIS.
GET IN THERE.
Bobby: AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO USE CHEMICALS
OR SOMETHING?
HE'S DEAD, YOU DAMN FOOL.
HE DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
BESIDES, THOSE CHEMICALS COST MONEY.
LIKE IT SAYS IN THE BIBLE,
"A PENNY SAVED IS A PENNY EARNED."
UH, DIDN'T BEN FRANKLIN SAY THAT?
DON'T YOU CONTRADICT ME, BOY!
UNH! UH!
HELLO, MR. FOO, MR. YUK.
HOW YOU DOING TODAY?
Ezra: COME ON OVER HERE, BOY.
Man: ALL RIGHT. LET'S GRAB IT FROM THE BACK.
ALL RIGHT.
PUSH! PUSH!
NOW ALL TOGETHER.
THE CHINESE ARE LATE.
OH, YES, SIR.
MR. FOO SAY THEY GOT STUCK IN TRAFFIC.
STUCK IN TRAFFIC! YEAH, STUCK IN TRAFFIC.
WE ONLY ORDER WHAT WE NEED.
LOW OVERHEAD.
AND I PASS ON THE SAVINGS TO ME.
STUCK IN TRAFFIC. HEH.
GIVE ME THAT CROWBAR OVER THERE, BOY.
WHAT'S ALL THIS CHINESE WRITING ON THE BOX?
MADE IN TAIWAN, YOU DUMMY!
HALF THE PRICE OF U. S. MADE.
THEY'RE 6 INCHES SHORTER, YOU KNOW.
THE TAIWANESE ARE A SMALLER PEOPLE,
AND I CAN USE THE COFFINS FOR MOST FOLKS.
NOBODY KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE,
AND I CHARGE FULL PRICE.
THE FAUCET'S DRIPPING, YOU FOOL.
HUH?
WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
YOU THINK WATER GROWS ON TREES?
LORD ALMIGHTY, YOU GOT SHIT FOR BRAINS.
NOW GET THE MOLASSES OUT AND CLEAN THIS STIFF UP.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY MORE DISINFECTANT.
THEN TAKE THIS.
YOU'RE ABOUT AS STUPID AS YOUR MAMA, BOY.
MY HEART BLEEDS FOR YOU, MR. JOHNSON.
THANK YOU, MR. THORNTONBERRY.
I FEEL AS THOUGH I LOST ONE OF MY OWN.
THAT WAS A VERY NICE SERVICE.
Ezra: THERE YOU ARE, MA'AM.
I TOLD YOU TO STOP MESSING WITH THAT DAMN ORGAN!
BOBBY, CLOSE THAT DAMN COFFIN.
I CAN SMELL MRS. JOHNSON ALREADY.
YES, SIR.
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, UNCLE EZRA?
NO, BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE.
GO MEASURE THE JEFFRIES BODY
SO I CAN ORDER HIS CASKET.
YES, SIR.
"OAK."
5 FOOT 6.
WE'RE ALL VERY THANKFUL FOR YOUR HELP, MR. THORNTONBERRY.
THESE LAST 2 DAYS HAVE BEEN RATHER TRYING.
YES, I CAN IMAGINE.
YOU AND YOUR FAMILY
HAVE MY CONDOLENCES, MR. JEFFRIES,
BUT DON'T WORRY.
I'VE TAKEN CARE OF EVERYTHING.
HERE WE ARE...
THE PERFECT VESSEL TO SEND YOUR SON
ON HIS WAY TO THE REALM OF GLORY.
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?
THIS CASKET IS MADE OF PINE.
WELL, THAT'S RIGHT.
THE HIGHEST QUALITY OF PINE FROM THE FORESTS OF MAINE.
BUT I SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR OAK.
OAK?
THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT I'VE ALREADY PAID-
I WANT NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR MY SON, MR. THORNTONBERRY.
BOBBY!
YES, UNCLE EZRA?
YOU STUPID HALF-WIT!
HE ORDERED OAK, NOT PINE!
WHO? MR. JEFFRIES?
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS GONNA COST ME?
YOU GOT ANY IDEA?
I'M GONNA HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT DAMN PINE COFFIN.
BUT UNCLE, I TOLD YOU OAK.
DON'T YOU LIE TO ME, BOY.
I'M NOT LYING, UNCLE. I SWEAR TO GOD I-
DON'T YOU DARE USE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN.
NOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BE PUNISHED...
SEVERELY.
NOW, UNCLE, PLEASE-
AAH!
OH! AAH!
GET UP! OH, HELP ME!
GET UP, I SAID! YOU GOT WORK TO DO.
MY LEGS!
TO HELL WITH YOUR LEGS.
GET UP, YOU NO-GOOD, LYING DOG.
MY LEGS. HELP ME.
YOUR NEPHEW HAS SUFFERED
A SEVERE SPINAL INJURY, MR. THORNTONBERRY.
HE'LL NEVER WALK AGAIN.
HOW ON EARTH DID THAT HAPPEN?
HIS OWN CARELESSNESS, I'M AFRAID.
HE FELL DOWN THE STAIRS.
IF I'VE TOLD HIM ONCE, I TOLD HIM 1,000 TIMES,
NO RUNNING INSIDE.
HE'S A SPIRITED BOY, YOU KNOW-AN ATHLETE.
NOT ANYMORE.
DAMN THAT BOY.
HE'LL PUT ME IN THE POORHOUSE YET.
Bobby: UNCLE EZRA?
WHAT YOU WANT, BOY?
EZRA!
DON'T YOU EZRA ME!
WHERE ARE MY AIR JORDANS?
I SOLD THEM. YOU SOLD THEM?
GOT A PRETTY GOOD PRICE FOR THEM, TOO.
HOW COULD YOU SELL MY SHOES?
DON'T YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME, BOY!
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A HELPLESS CRIPPLE.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH SHOES?
ALL YOU'RE GONNA DO IS COST ME MONEY.
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A GODDAMN BURDEN!
WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT
BEFORE YOU HIT ME WITH THAT CROWBAR!
I OUGHT TO CALL THE SHERIFF.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
THE SHERIFF, HUH?
AND WHERE YOU GOING TO GO NEXT?
THE STATE HOSPITAL, THAT'S WHERE,
RIGHT THERE WITH ALL THE REST OF THE CRIPPLES.
THOSE SHOES WERE GOING TO GO TO WASTE
JUST LIKE THAT DAMN PINE...
COFFIN YOU ORDERED.
PHEW.
WHEW.
AHH.
HELLO, BOBBY.
UH, HI, UNCLE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY BALL?
OH!
WASTE NOT, WANT NOT.
THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.
HERE WE ARE,
IN SILENT REPOSE,
JUST THE WAY I WANT YOU.
DAMN.
YOU'RE A NUISANCE EVEN WHEN YOU'RE DEAD.
I'M SURE AS HELL NOT GONNA ORDER ANOTHER COFFIN.
HMM.
UH...
BOY AIN'T AS DUMB AS I THOUGHT HE WAS.
DAMN FLUORIDE.
STRANGE HOW HE SHOULD HAPPEN
TO FALL DOWN THE STAIRS AGAIN,
ISN'T IT, MR. THORNTONBERRY?
WELL, PERHAPS IT'S FOR THE BEST.
THE BOY WAS YOUNG AND FULL OF VIGOR.
HE WOULD'VE MADE A MISERABLE CRIPPLE.
SUCH A SHORT COFFIN
FOR A BOY SO TALL.
WHAT YOU WANT, CLYDE?
BYE, MR. THORNTONBERRY.
WHERE THE HELL YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
YOU GOT WORK TO DO.
I AIN'T DOING NOTHIN'.
I'M QUITTIN'.
LOOK, I KNOW THAT NICE YOUNG MAN
DIDN'T DIE IN NO ACCIDENT.
I KNOW IT.
I CAN'T PROVE IT,
BUT I KNOW WHAT I KNOW.
THEN GOOD RIDDANCE,
YOU NO-ACCOUNT ORGAN FREAK.
I DON'T NEED YOU!
I DON'T NEED ANYBODY!
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE AND STAY OUT, YOU PERVERT!
OH, UNH...
WHO COULD THAT BE AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR?
MESSING WITH ME THIS TIME OF NIGHT.
DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE.
Ezra: WHO'S THERE?
WHAT DO YOU WANT, YOU GODDAMN HOOLIGANS?
DAMN PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS MESSING WITH ME.
DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE.
THEY'RE ALWAYS TALKING AND SAYING THINGS...
NOW, WHO THE HELL LEFT THIS ON?
DAMN FOOLS.
YOU TURNING MY LIGHTS ON, CLYDE,
WHEREVER YOU ARE?
THINK YOU CAN COME CRAWLING TO BEG FOR YOUR JOB BACK?
WELL, THEN YOU CAN GO TO HELL.
YOU TRYING TO SCARE ME, CLYDE?
IS THAT IT?
WELL, I GOT NEWS FOR YOU.
I DON'T SCARE EASY.
TAKES A LOT MORE THAN YOU GOT, THAT'S FOR SURE.
AAH!AAH!
UNH...
MY LEGS.
OH, MY GOD.
I CAN'T...
I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS.
OH, MY GOD.
IT CAN'T BE!
OH, MY GOD.
AHH! AH! AH!
GOD, NO, NO, NO.
AH!
LIKE IT SAYS IN THE BIBLE, UNCLE EZRA,
BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER.
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
SOMEBODY...
SOMEBODY HELP ME!
NO! NO!
NO!
WELL, LOOKS LIKE OLD EZRA
LEARNED RAISING A TEEN
IS NO WALK IN THE GRAVEYARD.
NOW HE'S GOING TO NEED
ONE OF HIS CHEAP COFFINS FOR HIMSELF.
THAT'S WHAT HE GETS FOR HAVING A NAME LIKE EZRA.
AS FOR POOR BOBBY,
HE GOT A PRETTY NASTY CASE OF ATHLETE'S FOOT, DIDN'T HE?
I MEAN, I'VE HEARD OF FOOTLOOSE, BUT YIKES!
OH, WELL!
I GUESS THE NEXT BEST THING TO MAKING A GOAL
IS BECOMING A GHOUL.
RIGHT, KIDDIES?