OH! HELLO THERE, FRIGHT FANS.
I'VE JUST BEEN SITTING HERE,
WAITING FOR MY BLOOD PACK TO HARDEN.
MY COSMETOLOGIST SAID I WAS STARTING
TO LOOK A LITTLE LIFELESS.
MUCH BETTER, EH?
WHICH REMINDS ME...
TONIGHT'S POISON PARABLE IS ABOUT A COUPLE
WHO TAKE THEIR APPEARANCE VERY SERIOUSLY.
NEEDLESS TO SAY,
THEY'RE GOING TO END UP TRYING TO SAVE FACE.
I CALL THIS ONE
JUDY, YOU'RE NOT YOURSELF TODAY.
Man, British accent: DIE, CRETIN.
Woman: BREAKFAST IS SERVED.
DONALD, MY DARLING,
WHO THE DEVIL ARE YOU TALKING TO?
UH, NO ONE, DEAR. IT'S NO ONE AT ALL.
OH, DONALD.
SOMETIMES, I SWEAR, YOU'RE SUCH AN ODD DUCK.
PERHAPS. PERHAPS I AM.
WILL YOU TELL ME THAT YOU STILL LOVE ME, DARLING?
WHO THE DEVIL CAN THAT BE AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR?
"WHO" IS RIGHT.
DONALD, THERE APPEARS TO BE
SOME SORT OF SOLICITOR AT THE DOOR.
ON A FUCKIN' SATURDAY MORNING?
DONALD, PLEASE!
IS ALL THIS REALLY NECESSARY?
LE BREAKFAST EST SERVI!
DONALD?
BIG GUN.
DONALD!
WHAT?
GOOD MORNING, SIR. I'M FROM THE GUN ELIMINATION
LEGISLATION ACTIVISTS
FOR TOTAL INTERNATIONAL NEUTRALITY.
YOU WANT TO RUN THAT MOUTHFUL BY ME
ONE MORE TIME, PAL?
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
NO. JUST THE NAME.
GUN ELIMINATION LEGISLATION
ACTIVISTS FOR TOTAL INTERNATIONAL NEUTRALITY.
G. E. L. A. T. I. N.
YOU'RE FROM SOMETHING CALLED G. E. L. A. T. I. N.?
UH, PLEASE FORGIVE MY HUSBAND.
HONEY, THIS IS THE MAN FROM G. E. L. A. T. I. N.
HI.
ACTUALLY, THERE'S AN "F" IN THERE SOMEPLACE.
OR MAYBE THERE'S- THERE'S NOT.
SOMETIMES HE JUST GETS CARRIED AWAY!
CARRIED AWAY? YOU KNOW,
THIS IS WHY I GO DOOR TO DOOR.
QUIT YOUR BLUBBERING, YOU BIG BABY!
IT WASN'T EVEN LOADED. SEE?
AAH! DAMN IT, DONALD!
YOU COULD HAVE SHOT HER.
OH, WAKE UP, PAL!
A MAN HAS GOT A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT
TO HUNT WITH THE WEAPON OF HIS CHOICE.
THAT'S ENOUGH!
I AM SURE THAT THIS FINE YOUNG MAN
HAS HEARD ABSOLUTELY ALL THE NRA RHETORIC
HE WISHES TO HEAR TODAY.
THAT'S RIGHT, LADY. I'VE HEARD IT ALL.
WELL, WHERE WERE YOU DURING VIETNAM?
I WAS 6 YEARS OLD!
YEAH, LIKELY EXCUSE.
THAT'S WHAT I HATE ABOUT GELATIN.
IT'S ALWAYS FULL OF NUTS AND FRUITS.
DONALD? LOOK AT ME.
YOU SEE THESE? THESE ARE WRINKLES,
AND THEY ARE CAUSED BY STRESS.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT CAUSES STRESS?
HAVING YOUR HUSBAND POINT A GUN AT YOUR HEAD.
THAT IS WHAT CAUSES STRESS.
JUDY, YOU'RE NOT YOURSELF TODAY.
SNAP OUT OF IT.
SNAP OUT OF IT?
THAT'S YOUR ANSWER TO EVERYTHING THESE DAYS,
SNAP OUT OF IT.
WELL, I HAVE NO TIME TO ARGUE.
I'M ALREADY LATE FOR THE GUN CLUB.
DON'T THINK ABOUT LIGHTING A CIGARETTE IN THIS HOUSE.
JUDY, WHY?
BECAUSE.
BECAUSE WHY?
BECAUSE THE SMOKE DULLS MY HAIR, THAT'S WHY.
"DON'T SMOKE CIGARETTES.
DON'T POINT GUNS AT MY HEAD."
YOU KNOW, MY GOD, JUDY!
YOU WERE STANDING RIGHT THERE,
AND I STILL DON'T THINK YOU GET IT.
YOU CAN'T LET THE WHOLE WORLD
INTO YOUR LIVING ROOM ANYMORE.
YOU CAN'T EVEN OPEN A FUCKIN' DOOR ANYMORE!
AND IF YOU DO, I'M TELLING YOU,
YOU'D BETTER BE READY.
THIS...
THIS, MY DEAR, IS BEING READY.
Donald.
You are so attractive when you're angry.
WELL...
WELL.
I'M OFF NOW.
LOCK THE DOOR BEHIND ME. CHEERIO.
TA-TA!
OUT, OUT, DAMN SPOTS.
MM-HMM.
OH, NO. NOT AGAIN!
YES?
HI. I'M FROM AVATAR COSMETICS.
WE SPOKE.
Judy: WE DID?
ON THE PHONE.
THIS IS, UH...
300 CHATSWORTH?
WELL, YES, IT IS,
BUT I'M AFRAID I HAVE NEVER HEARD
OF AVATAR COSMETICS, MY GOOD WOMAN.
OH.
I SEE.
SHOULD I HAVE?
HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD THAT, UH,
PROBLEM WITH YOUR PORES?
UH, I DON'T KNOW.
PITY.
WELL, I'M SORRY I DISTURBED YOU.
WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT IF I WAS INTERESTED IN PURCHASING
ONE OF YOUR PRODUCTS?
SAY, FOR MY PORES?
IT'S NOT POSSIBLE. WE HAVE A VERY SELECT CLIENTELE.
WELL, I COULD PAY YOU IN CASH,
AND THEN NO ONE ELSE WOULD KNOW.
WHEN IS YOUR HUSBAND DUE BACK?
HMM?
WELL... HA HA HA!
SURELY A GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN LIKE YOU
HAS A HANDSOME HUSBAND.
I DO, AS A MATTER OF FACT-DONALD.
AND HE WON'T BE HOME FOR HOURS AND HOURS.
PLENTY OF TIME FOR A LOVELY
LITTLE CHAT FOR US, NO?
THAT'S VERY UNUSUAL JEWELRY YOU'RE WEARING.
IS IT BOLOGET?
NO, IT'S JUNK.
NO! I ESPECIALLY LIKE THAT SPARKLY ONE.
OH, YES.
WOMEN WITH TASTE USUALLY DO.
THANK YOU.
IT'S VERY BEAUTIFUL.
HERE.
TRY IT ON.
YOU DON'T MIND?
NO. GO AHEAD.
IT DOES NOTHING FOR AN OLD BAG LIKE ME.
YOU KNOW, AS I SAID BEFORE,
YOU REALLY ARE QUITE BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.
GOT A GREAT ASS, HONEY.
I'LL LIKE IT EVEN BETTER WHEN IT'S MINE!
OH!
AAH!
JUDY?
AAH!
JESUS!
HELP ME.
EW!
WHERE'S MY WIFE?
DONALD, DON'T! IT'S ME. IT'S JUDY.
NOT EVEN CLOSE.
NOW, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY WIFE?
I AM YOUR WIFE.
WE WERE MARRIED JULY 12, 1979.
OH, YEAH? WHAT CHURCH?
FAITH CALVARY.
YEAH, WELL, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE MINISTER?
REVEREND TENNEY.
HOW MANY BRIDESMAIDS? 3.
WHO WALKED YOU DOWN THE AISLE?
MY UNCLE!
YEAH? WELL, WHERE DID WE SPEND OUR HONEYMOON?
THE BLACK HILLS!
OK, WHAT WAS THE ROOM NUMBER
OF OUR HONEYMOON SUITE?
WE DIDN'T HAVE A ROOM.
WE HAD TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN THE CAR
BECAUSE YOU FORGOT TO CONFIRM THE RESERVATION.
COME ON! HOW COULD YOU KNOW THAT?
IT'S ME. IT'S JUDY. I'M YOUR WIFE.
DONALD, DONALD!
MY BODY WAS STOLEN.
UM...
WELL, NO. JUST STAY RIGHT THERE.
HELLO?
Man: DONALD? YEAH?
DID YOU AND JUDY HAVE A FIGHT TODAY?
NO. WHY?
'CAUSE SHE JUST THREW BACK 3 GIN AND TONICS
AND WHEN I SAT DOWN NEXT TO HER,
SHE TOLD ME TO GO TO HELL-
LIKE SHE KNEW THE WAY.
Donald: WHERE ARE YOU?
TRAIN STATION. LISTEN, MAN.
YOUR OLD LADY'S IN ONE FOUL MOOD.
JUDY IS NOT HERSELF TODAY.
TRAIN STATION, HUH?
OK, THANKS, JOE.
OH, AND JOE?
DON'T CALL MY WIFE AN OLD LADY!
COME ON.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
JUST GET YOUR COAT.
OK.
OH. DO YOU THINK THESE LOOK GOOD TOGETHER?
Judy: WHAT? DONALD! DONALD, WHAT-
LET ME OUT!
DONALD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DONALD!
P. A. Announcer: YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.
Judy: DONALD!
PLEASE, HONEY. LET ME OUT.
THIS IS NO WAY TO TREAT YOUR WIFE.
P. A. Announcer: THE 3:22 TO LAS VEGAS
IS NOW BOARDING ON TRACK 4.
I CAN'T LET YOU DO IT. YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM IT.
OH, BROTHER! ARE YOU KIDDING? DON'T YOU SEE THAT?
ASSHOLE!
JUDY, YOU'VE GOT TO FACE UP TO IT.
THE CANCER IS SPREADING.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU KNOW THERE'S NO HOPE FOR REMISSION.
IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.
DON'T SPEND YOUR LAST FEW WEEKS WITHOUT ME.
JUDY!
DONALD?
JUDY?
DONALD!
OH, JUDY!
OH, DONALD!
IT'S YOU!
WAIT. IT'S NOT OVER WITH YET.
COME ON.
DONALD!
OH, JUDY!
JUDY, JUDY!
Witch: LET ME OUT!
LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! DO YOU HEAR?
CAN'T YOU HEAR ME?
YOU AND YOUR PRISSY WIFE,
YOU'RE BOTH DEAD!
HEY! SOMEBODY LET ME OUT!
AH, I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE.
SPEAK UP, YOU BASTARDS!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
COME ON, UNLOCK THIS DOOR.
UNLOCK THIS DOOR, DAMN IT!
I'M NOT GOING TO-
NOT SO TOUGH NOW, IS SHE?
AARRRGH!
AH!
UGH!
AH!
OH, MY GOD.
THAT WAS GREAT!
WHAT A RUSH!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
AH HA HA HA, I BLEW HER AWAY!
I FUCKIN' BLEW HER AWAY!
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!
OH, SHE'S... DEAD.
OH, AND I FEEL-
I FEEL SO ALIVE.
JUST WATCHING YOU LIKE THIS...
DARLING, YOU'RE SO THRILLING!
I FEEL SO...
I- I FEEL SO HELPLESS
AND YET SO...
SO...
OH!
JUDY!
Donald: HEH HEH HEH!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, DONALD.
DO WE HAVE TO KEEP IT LOCKED UP IN HERE?
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO KEEP IT, UNDER YOUR PILLOW?
WE SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE IT HERE.
I TRIED MELTING IT,
I TRIED CRUSHING IT.
YOU CAN'T DESTROY IT.
WELL, COULDN'T WE JUST KEEP IT
ON THE VANITY OR THE NIGHT STAND?
YOU KNOW, SOMEWHERE WE COULD LOOK AT IT ALL THE TIME?
NO.
NO?
BABE, YOU'VE GOT A WITCH BURIED IN YOUR BASEMENT.
GET A GRIP ON REALITY.
OH!
AAH!
JUST ME.
THESE NIGHTMARES MUST BE CONTAGIOUS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I- I WAS COLD.
WHAT WERE YOU DREAMING ABOUT?
SAME THING THAT'S BEEN BOTHERING YOU-
THAT MOLDY OLD BITCH WE GOT BURIED IN THE BASEMENT.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN THINKING
MAYBE I'D DIG HER UP.
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
NO, NOT NOW.
I JUST THOUGHT
THAT MAYBE IT WOULD HELP THOSE NIGHTMARES
IF WE BURIED HER SOMEPLACE ELSE.
THEY'LL GO AWAY.
IT JUST TAKES TIME.
REALLY.
MINE AREN'T SO BAD ANYMORE.
COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.
I'LL GO GET A GLASS OF MILK.
OH, JEEZ!
SHIT!
HELP ME.
AAH!
DONALD, HELP ME!
OH! OH, GOD!
JESUS, WHERE DID IT GO?
LIGHT, LIGHT, LIGHT, LIGHT!
OPEN UP!
JESUS!
WHERE IS IT? COME ON!
WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?
PLEASE. PLEASE. THERE IT IS!
OH, GOOD. YAAH!
YAAH!
JUDY?
AAH!
DONALD, HELP ME.
JUDY!
KILL HER! DONALD, IT'S A TRICK.
KILL HER!
NO, DONALD!
SHE SWITCHED BODIES AGAIN. IT'S ME.
DONALD, DON'T LET HER TAKE MY BEAUTIFUL BODY.
DON'T LET HER DESTROY IT.
DONALD, NO!
SHOOT IT. DONALD, SHOOT IT.
SHOW IT WHO'S SMARTER.
SHOW IT YOU CAN'T BE FOOLED.
NO, DONALD, I'M YOUR WIFE.
I'M JUDY.
NO, DONALD! I AM YOUR WIFE. I'M JUDY.
NO, DONALD. I'M YOUR WIFE. I'M JUDY.
UH...
Donald: JUDY.
PULL THE JAG AROUND FRONT AND WAIT FOR ME.
THIS COULD GET MESSY.
Donald: JUDY?
YES, HONEY?
WE DON'T HAVE A JAG... YET,
HONEY.
LET ME SEE YOU PULL THAT QUICK-CHANGE ACT ONE MORE TIME.
DONALD, BE CAREFUL. I BRUISE EASILY.
WHAT?
ARGH!
OH!
YOUR WISH...
IS MY COMMAND.
JUDY?
OH!
JUDY?
DONALD.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, DONALD.
HANG ON, HONEY.
YEAH.
UH!
What...
does the NRA handbook...
suggest... you do now?
JUDY?
OH, NO!
REST...
DARLING...
OH, HOW CAN IT BE SO?
OH.
SAY IT ISN'T SO.
BOND.
JAMES BOND.
YOU'VE BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY!
NO!
I STILL THINK DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND.
YOU'LL BE GLAD TO KNOW THAT THAT WITCH
GAVE UP DOOR-TO-DOOR SALES
AND JOINED THE PEACE CORPSE!
POOR DONALD.
YOU CAN'T REALLY BLAME HIM.
HE WAS ONLY TRYING TO GIVE HIS MARRIAGE
A SHOT IN THE ARM...
AND IN THE LEG...
AND IN THE HEAD!
SOMETIMES I CRACK MYSELF UP!
UNTIL NEXT TIME, KIDDIES,
PLEASANT SCREAMS!