HELLO, PARTY ANIMALS.
ARE YOU READY TO BOP TILL YOU DROP?
DEAD, THAT IS.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
TONIGHT I'VE CHOSEN A FIENDISH LITTLE TALE
FROM MY HOLD OF MOLDY OLDIES.
WE'VE BEEN INVITED TO AN ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION
OF HOLY DEADLOCK.
YOU KNOW, TO LOVE AND TO PERISH,
FOR RICHER, FOR HORROR,
IN SICKNESS AND IN STEALTH,
TILL DEATH DO US PART.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
THIS IS ONE ANNIVERSARY
THE HUSBAND WILL NEVER FORGET.
4 HOURS?
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
UMM... SHOPPING,
JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU.
AND ALAN INSISTED ON BUYING ME THIS NEW COAT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YOU SAID YOU'D BE ONE HOUR,
2 AT THE MOST.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D BE THIS UPSET ABOUT IT.
I'M NOT UPSET.
I'M SURE YOU HAD A LOT-
A LOT OF CATCHING UP TO DO.
I'M SURE YOU WOULD'VE BEEN MUCH HAPPIER IF YOU'D COME OUT HERE ALONE.
RICHARD, NOW DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
ALAN IS YOURFRIEND.
HE WAS THE BEST MAN AT OUR WEDDING.
THAT WAS 10 YEARS AGO.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE SEEN HIM?
ONCE?
TWICE SINCE THEN?
THINGS CHANGE, DELLA.
PEOPLE CHANGE.
RICHARD, PLEASE, DON'T DO THIS.
NOT NOW.
IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY.
I KNOW.
I'M CELEBRATING...
ALONE.
Della: I'M GOING TO BED.
Richard: HE SHOULDN'T BE BUYING YOU THINGS.
DON'T START, OK?
IT BELITTLES ME.
YOU BELITTLE YOURSELF.
LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
HE'S RUBBING MY FACE IN HIS SUCCESS.
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?
ALL I SEE IS AN OLD FRIEND WHO LOVES US
AND WANTS TO SEE US HAPPY.
OF COURSE YOU'D SEE THAT.
RICHARD, PLEASE.
THIS TRIP IS HIS ANNIVERSARY PRESENT TO US,
AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO RUIN IT FOR HIM.
AND YOU'RE DOING A GOOD JOB OF RUINING IT FOR ME.
I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE ALWAYS SORRY.
I LOVE YOU, DELLA.
I LOVE YOU SO GODDAMN MUCH.
I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO LOSE YOU.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LOSE ME, RICHARD.
YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO LOSE ME.
NOT NOW, NOT EVER.
BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY THING I HAVE
THAT'S ANY GOOD.
COME HERE.
COME HERE, SWEETHEART.
COME HERE.
I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN ABLE TO GIVE YOU ANY KIDS.
IT'S ALL GOING TO WORK OUT.
YOU'LL SEE.
IT'S GOING TO BE WONDERFUL.
RICHARD.
DON'T ANSWER IT.
IT'S PROBABLY ALAN. I TOLD HIM TO CALL.
LET IT RING, DELLA.
I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE.
LET IT RING.
HELLO?
HI.
UH-HUH. YEAH.
I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE YOU.
NO, I DIDN'T TELL HIM YET.
IT WASN'T THE RIGHT TIME.
Man: I ENVY YOU GUYS. I REALLY DO.
ALL THE MONEY, ALL THE SUCCESS,
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING WHEN YOU'RE ALONE.
Della: BUT YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING A GIRL COULD WANT.
LIKE WHAT? NAME 3 THINGS.
ON SECOND THOUGHT, NAME ONE.
TRY MONEY.
THAT'S TRUE, RICHARD.
I'VE BEEN VERY LUCKY.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'VE ALWAYS REGRETTED...
NEVER TRYING HARDER
TO STEAL DELLA AWAY FROM YOU.
HA HA HA HA!
I'M JUST KIDDING, RICHARD. COME ON. YOU KNOW THAT.
HEY...
I BLEW MY SHOT. IF YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE. RIGHT, AMIGO?
Della: OH, WELL, THANK YOU.
OH, THIS IS WONDERFUL.
YOU LIKE IT?
YEAH, I A SAW IT. I LIKED IT. IT'S A WRITE-OFF.
Driver, Spanish accent: I'LL GO AND GET THE BAGS.
OH, LOOK AT THIS.
OH, THIS IS-THIS IS WONDERFUL, ALAN.
I'M GLAD YOU LIKE IT. I LIKE IT, TOO.
THIS IS REALLY SOMETHING.
PUT THOSE 2 IN THE MAIN BEDROOM,
AND I'LL TAKE MINE TO THE CABIN.
Did those packages I had sent from the mainland arrive?
SI, SENOR. THEY ARRIVED THIS MORNING.
GOOD.
THEN WE'RE ALL SET.
WHAT PACKAGES?
SUPPLIES-FOOD, BOOZE, DRUGS!
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU AN ANNIVERSARY
YOU'LL NEVER FORGET.
MI CASA ES SU CASA.
SO UNPACK, MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.
I'M GONNA RUN THIS DOWN TO THE CABIN.
THANKS, ALAN.
Della: HEH. AND I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T REMEMBER HER.
Alan: DONNA WHO?
DONNA COSTELLO.
DONNA COSTELLO...
OH, YES! THE ONE WITH THE BAZOOKAS!
MM-HMM. BUT WE HARDLY TALKED.
I THINK I WENT OUT WITH HER MAYBE ONCE
THE ENTIRE TIME WE WERE IN SCHOOL.
WELL, ACCORDING TO HER, IT WASN'T JUST ONCE,
AND YOU DID A LOT MORE THAN TALK.
HA HA HA! GIN.
WAS THIS BEFORE OR AFTER WE BROKE UP?
IT WAS AFTER.
OH, WELL, AFTER YOU MARRIED RICHARD
AND BROKE MY HEART,
I WAS CELIBATE UNTIL GRADUATION.
RICHARD, DO YOU WANT TO PLAY?
NO, THANKS.
I'M GOING OUT TO GET SOME AIR.
Driver: YOU ARE A LUCKY MAN.
YOU HAVE VERY BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
TO BE MARRIED THAT LONG IS HARD THING.
I KNOW. I TRIED.
3 TIMES.
NOT SO GOOD.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I WAS INTO FREE LOVE.
HEH.
THEY WERE NOT THAT FREE.
AS YOU CAN SEE, I'M A POOR MAN.
I'LL GO INTO TOWN NOW.
LE ENTREGO, AMIGO.
SALUD.
NO. NO, YOU DON'T.
NO, YOU DON'T.
Alan: HE'S ACTING STRANGE.
HE DOESN'T SUSPECT ANYTHING, DOES HE?
Della: OH, GOD, I HOPE NOT.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?
I KEPT THINKING THAT THINGS WERE FINE
JUST THE WAY THEY WERE, BUT NOW...
I NEVER KNEW I COULD FEEL SO HAPPY.
THE OLD LIFE ENDS,
AND THE NEW ONE BEGINS.
YEAH.
IT'S JUST BEEN SO HARD NOT TELLING HIM.
IT'LL BE ALL OVER TOMORROW.
HE'LL KNOW.
ARE YOU COLD?
YEAH, A LITTLE.
IT'S THE WIND.
YOU SHOULD'VE LET ME BUY YOU THAT FUR.
NEXT TIME.
WANT TO GO INSIDE?
WE BETTER BEFORE HE WAKES UP.
HE HASN'T BEEN SLEEPING WELL LATELY.
RICHARD?
RICHARD.
ARE YOU ASLEEP?
HE'S BOUGHT HER NEW THINGS.
WELL, WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?
DOING A LITTLE SHOPPING, ALAN?
Richard: WHERE ARE THEY?
YO NO SE, SENOR.
SPEAK ENGLISH, GOD DAMN IT.
THESENORAASKED ME TO WATCH OVER YOU.
I'LL JUST BET SHE DID.
WHERE YOU GO?
THE OTHER CABIN. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
NO, NO PROBLEM WITH ME,
BUT THESENORA ASKED ME TO KEEP YOU OUT.
YOU'RE IN ON THIS, TOO.
AREN'T YOU, OLD MAN?
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
JUST BEAUTIFUL.
THEY REALLY HAD IT PLANNED.
A REAL PIECE OF WORK.
PLEASE, SENOR,
I'M JUST DOING MY JOB.
JOB?
HOW MUCH DID THEY PAY YOU TO DO THIS JOB?
I AM SO EXCITED, I CAN HARDLY-
RICHARD! YOU'RE UP.
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
THAT GUY'S CRAZY. I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABY.
WHERE WERE YOU? SHOPPING?
NO, UH...
YOU WEREN'T UP YET,
SO WE THOUGHT WE'D TAKE A WALK.
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL HERE, RICHARD.
IT'S LIKE A DREAM.
THE NIGHTMARE STARTS AGAIN MONDAY MORNING, DOESN'T IT?
BUT YOU AREN'T GONNA BE HERE, ARE YOU, BABY?
RICHARD, PLEASE.
NOW, DON'T START.
NOT TODAY.
WHY NOT?
IT'S WHAT I DO.
IT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT.
DID DELLA TELL YOU I'M BARTENDING
AT THAT DIVE ON SPEEDWAY WE USED TO DRINK AT?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SELLING INSURANCE.
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
I DON'T LIE, ALAN.
DO I?
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME, DELLA?
PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE WAS ASHAMED.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I DIDN'T TELL HIM
BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY.
HA HA HA HA HA!
THOSE TEMPORARIES LAST A LONG TIME.
YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE.
RIGHT, AMIGO?
LOOK, I'M SORRY, RICHARD. I DIDN'T KNOW.
DON'T BE SORRY.
IT'S A JOB,
JUST LIKE THE ONE YOU GAVE ALVAREZ.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO,
YOU KNOW I'M HERE FOR YOU. JUST NAME IT.
THANKS, ALAN.
I THINK YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH ALREADY.
BOUGHT DELLA A NEW COAT.
OH, RICHARD.
IT'S REAL NICE.
HOW MUCH DID IT COST YOU?
ABOUT 6 OF MY PAYCHECKS?
MAYBE MORE?
8, 9, 10? HOW MUCH?
FOR CHRIST'S SAKES, RICHARD. IT'S A PRESENT.
AND THIS TRIP YOU SO RIGHTEOUSLY OFFERED US-
YOU KNOW, IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR YOUR GENEROSITY,
DELLA AND I WOULD BE CURLED UP RIGHT NOW
IN SOME CHEAP MOTEL IN TUCSON WORKING ON THAT KID AGAIN.
BUT THE WELL HAS RUN DRY,
HASN'T IT, BABY?
RICHARD, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.
YOU PROMISED.
NO, YOU PROMISED!
"TILL DEATH DO US PART."
YOU REMEMBER THAT BIT, DO YOU, BABY?
DO YOU?
YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLE ASSHOLE, RICHARD.
I'M THE ASSHOLE?
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S FUCKING MY WIFE!
Alan: RICHARD?
RICHARD, ARE YOU HERE?
RICHARD!
OH, THERE YOU ARE.
COME ON, RICHARD.
DELLA'S WAITING. WE HAVE A SURPRISE.
I LOVE SURPRISES.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
MY CABIN.
ALAN!
COME HERE.
I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU, TOO.
BEEN PRACTICING.
SEE?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
OH, THINKING ABOUT USING IT...
ON YOU.
SURPRISE!
HA HA HA!
THAT'S NOT FUNNY. THE THING IS LOADED.
I KNOW. I LOADED IT.
HOW WAS SHE, ALAN?
WAS SHE AS GOOD AS SHE WAS 10 YEARS AGO?
WAS SHE AS GOOD AS DONNA COSTELLO?
ENOUGH'S ENOUGH. THE JOKE'S GONE TOO FAR.
SHE HAVE THAT LITTLE SOFT GURGLE
IN THE BACK OF HER THROAT WHEN SHE COMES?
THAT-
LIKE A SMALL ANIMAL DYING.
IT'S NOT FUNNY, RICHARD.
YOU'RE CRAZY.
YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND.
AND YOU'RE DEAD, FRIEND.
ANOTHER TROPHY FOR YOUR WALL, AMIGO.
HEH HEH.
ALAN, YOU'RE BLEEDING.
HEH. HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA!
ALAN?
RICHARD?
WHAT ARE YOU TWO STILL DOING IN HERE?
ALAN?
RICHARD?
HELLO!
OH! DON'T DO THAT. YOU SCARED ME.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING MY COAT?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WHERE'S ALAN?
ALAN...
OOH, HE'S HANGING AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
AAH!
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABY.
AAH!
DELLA?
OPEN THE DOOR, DELLA.
I WANT YOU, BABY.
I WANT YOU REAL BAD.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.
AN ANNIVERSARY PRESENT.
COME ON OUT AND SEE WHAT IT IS.
OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
OPEN THE DOOR...
AND I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.
I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN SAVING IT FOR ALAN.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WANT YOU TO WEAR IT FOR ME.
YOU FUCKING WHORE!
AAH!
DELLA!
YOU SLUT!
AAH!
FUCKING WHORE! DELLA!
YOU COCK-SUCKING BITCH!
COME HERE AND GET YOUR PRESENT, BABY.
AAH!
DELLA!
UNH!
DO THESE TURN ALAN ON?
DO THEY, BITCH?
COME ON, BABY.
LET'S GO TO ALAN'S CABIN
AND WORK ON THAT KID AGAIN.
I FEEL GOOD.
SURPRISE! SURPRISE!
Man: DADDY!
Woman: WHERE'S DELLA? SHE'S MISSING THIS.
THAT'S WHAT I CALL
DRAGGING YOUR WIFE TO A PARTY.
I GUESS RICHARD
WAS THE GUEST OF HORROR AFTER ALL.
JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU WHAT CAN HAPPEN
WHEN YOU LET YOUR IMAGINATION
RUN AWAY WITH YOU.
HERE'S TO YOUR BAD HEALTH.
SEE YOU NEXT TIME, BOYS AND GHOULS.