Before I get to tonight's terror tale...
I'd like to introduce you to my pet, Peeves.
He has a terror tale of his own.
Tonight's skin-pimpling story...
is about a couple with their own pet peeves.
I call this chunk of chilling charnel chatter:
"Collection Completed. "
It's almost time. Everybody stay in the kitchen now, okay?
He's gonna be so surprised.
He's here!
Everybody be quiet now.
Welcome home...
Oh, you poor little thing.
What's your name?
Mew Mew?
I'll just bring you inside.
Yes, we will.
You shut the door right on my face.
Jonas, you're home!
We've been so excited all day waiting for you to get here.
Here, let me take those for you. You just relax.
No, I got it. It's okay.
No, you've had a hard day. Come on. Let me...
I've got it!
How did that thing get in here?
Here, let me help you up.
Here, I'll put your things away for you.
Oh, look at this!
My, that is beautiful. What is it?
That's 47 goddamn years. That's what that is.
Forty-seven years, Suntime hand tools...
six days a week, 52 weeks a year. Look at that thing.
Some thanks. Can't even tell time with it.
I think it's beautiful. You should be proud.
Proud? Sure, real proud.
Proud to be put out to pasture.
Day I hit 65, I'm out of there.
Never mind I'm 17-year regional sales leader.
Never mind, just throw the old duff away.
I'm sure they'll miss you.
Anyway, you've done enough for them. This is your time now.
So let's start right now.
You come sit over here...
because we have a surprise for you.
Who's we? You didn't! Now you know I hate that.
Goddamn your cats to hell!
What do I have to do? Search my own cotton-picking chairs...
every goddamn time I wanna sit down under my own roof?
Is that what I have to do?
I don't know how it got there!
The cats know that that is your chair.
They would never...
I'll just throw it away.
You can throw away that new cat while you're about it, too.
- He's my new friend. - You get rid of him now...
'cause as of tomorrow you won't be lonely anymore.
You won't be needing any animals. I'm gonna be home all day...
right here in the goddamn halls I've worked for all my goddamn life.
Right here sharing our golden years together.
Finally, I'm gonna get some time for you, Anita.
But now I got to hit the sack.
But the party!
Too tired.
I'm so sorry, but Daddy's called the party off.
Oh, my God!
Anita, what have you done? You've turned off the alarm!
- I'm gonna be late. - Late for what?
I gotta get started, but you can sleep as long as you like.
Good morning, sunshine.
That's not such a bad idea.
Stay in bed as long as feel like it.
I can get up whenever I want.
I can't stand it.
- Excuse me. - That's all right, you can come in.
What's the matter with you?
You look like a mad dog foaming at the mouth.
- What are you doing? - I'm going to take my bath.
Now? Bath? In the morning?
Of course. It's okay. I don't mind if you're here.
Couldn't you take it later?
I always take my bath at this time.
Goddamn it all, you had to make me say it, don't you?
I have to sit down. All right?
I'm embarrassed now, and now I'd like a moment or two of privacy, please.
I'm sorry. You go ahead. I'll leave.
Eat your breakfast.
You're just jealous.
There you are.
The golden years.
Retirement. My first free weekday since I was 17.
Why don't you just take the day and do nothing? Just relax.
You could pass out in your chair with the TV on.
Damn it, I don't wanna watch TV. I'm a productive citizen.
I got mandatory retirement. Mandatory.
But I thought you liked to pass out with the TV on.
I was working then. I had a right to pass out.
So do a little work and then pass out.
Gabby!
Here's your breakfast, honey.
What the goddamn hell is going on?
Are you running some kind of luxury resort...
for every flea-bitten parasite that trips across my doorstep?
What's that dog eating? A steak?
These are my friends.
Must be costing a fortune.
I can't believe I worked 47 years...
just to shell out for every mangy cat and dog...
that's hungry enough to be your friend just because you feed it!
They keep me company. They're all I've got.
Now what the hell is that supposed to mean?
All right, so I've been a little busy the last 47 years.
I just didn't have time to sit and gab with you night and day.
I had a living to earn.
Now, now.
It isn't that important. Just eat your breakfast.
Beat it, you freeloader!
Get away from my counter, damn you!
Anyone down here? Jonas?
- Jonas, it's me, Roy. - Oh, great.
Hey, Roy, buddy. How you doing, neighbor?
Anita tells me you retired.
I saw your car outside and it had me going for a while.
I figured either you're sick, which I've never seen you get...
or your car broke down. One or the other.
Retirement just never occurred to me.
Sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking about this.
Better run to the newspapers. Inquiring minds will want to know.
Say, now that you've got plenty of time on your hands...
I thought you might like to try one of these.
Terrific, Roy. Really terrific.
But I've got real work to do, Roy.
Pruning.
It's like a jungle out there.
There's no shortage of things to be done around this place.
That's just fine. I'd go nuts with nothing to do.
I'm not gonna be one of those geezers...
that just sits on the porch waving at cars.
To each his own, I always say.
Look who's back.
Hey, beat it, you mangy mutt!
God, bold as brass tacks.
I tell you, I'm worried about Anita, Roy.
She's obsessed with animals.
I don't like to air our dirty laundry out.
I think she needs some help.
By the way, I'd appreciate it if you didn't spread that around.
She's been that way since anybody in the neighborhood could remember.
It's funny you wouldn't know. I've seen her sitting on the green...
with a squirrel perched right on the top of her head.
- And it was like she was talking to him. - Squirrels?
God, that's disgusting. Tree rats, that's all they are.
And birds. You should see her with the birds.
It's not healthy, Roy. It's driving me crazy.
You shouldn't let all of these things bother you so much.
Retirement takes some adjustment.
Maybe you ought to try that model plane I brought you.
Or if you don't like it, you can find yourself another hobby.
That's not for me, Roy.
I say hobbies are just a waste of time.
I'd say you about got it.
It's so nice to have a man around the house to take care of.
What the hell is this crap?
It's tuna. It's good for you.
- Where'd you get this from? - I got it out of the cupboard.
- Looked all right to me. - Where is it? Let me see the can.
Anita! This is cat food.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize.
This is just too much.
Jonas! Where have you been?
Come here, boy.
Jonas? You named this dog Jonas?
I'm sorry.
He reminded me of you.
- I mean... - Don't ruin it with an apology.
And I'm flattered. Honored, in fact.
Why don't you just invite him in? Have him sit down at the table.
I think we have a sandwich already made for him.
The spirit of Elvis is in the body of her Doberman pinscher...
claims Annie Weebler of northern Iowa.
That sounds bad.
It's nothing. Must be coming down with a little cold.
I'm not so sure. It sounds like a hairball to me.
A hairball? Oh, God, you're unbelievable!
It's just a cold.
- I'm getting a headache. - All right, little fishes.
Do you think you could please get me some aspirin?
Sure. I think I have some in the kitchen.
Cougars, originally thought to be scavenging food...
left by homeless drifters are now verified...
as feeding on the homeless themselves.
Lassie!
I brought you a little treat.
- A brownie? I asked for aspirin. - Go ahead. Try it.
- What was in that? - Your aspirin.
- I put it in the brownie for you. - God damn it, Anita!
I'm not like your dogs or your cats!
You don't have to put my medicine in food!
I am not an animal! I am a human being.
Anybody here?
It's me again.
I brought you the B1 bomber this time.
Hey, thanks. Can't wait to get at it.
Listen, old buddy, I know how this must look.
But for me these models...
It's not just about building planes.
You want to slow up a bit.
Let life pass you by a little.
When you start letting life pass you by...
that's the day you start to die.
No, I don't need to slow down.
You know what Anita did last night?
She gave me medicine like you would a dog.
I mean, I'm not her husband, I'm like one of the pets.
Have you talked to her about this?
She may not be used to having you around the house all day.
I don't know.
Maybe you're right. I guess I could be partly to blame.
I think you two ought to sit down and have a nice long talk.
I've been so wrapped up in my own problems...
I couldn't see that you had problems, too.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
Well, that's all in the past now.
We can make a brand-new start.
We'll be the way we used to be.
I'll rub your stomach, and you can lick the back of my leg.
I thought you might be thirsty.
I'll just set it down on the table here for you.
If you need anything, I'll be cleaning out the fish tanks.
You miserable...
Here, kitty.
Here!
Come here, little Mew Mew.
Wait, I'm cleaning the fish...
Honey, it finally occurred to me.
The perfect hobby.
A hobby I know I'll just love.
Oh, Jonas! Skippy's bone. But Skippy didn't mean it.
Run along, little fellow.
I'm going out for a while.
He's been so happy the last couple of weeks.
I wonder what that man's been up to down there in that dingy old basement.
Whatever it is, we were just in time.
Anymore of his yard work...
and this place would begin to look like a parking lot.
By the way, you haven't seen the other Jonas anywhere, have you?
That old bulldog. Nope. Can't say as I have.
Jonas? Have you seen Skippy?
What are you doing here? Get the hell out of here!
I didn't tell you you could come down here.
I can't find Jonas, either.
He never stays away this long.
Jonas is out back. I just heard him.
Jonas? Come here, little baby. Mommy's looking...
Jonas! Is that you?
Jonas, where have you been?
Mommy's been worried about you.
What do you think?
What is this? What's happening?
He's the prize of my collection.
Part of my new hobby: Taxidermy.
You can't be serious.
How could you do this?
I'm doing this for you. I'm making adjustments...
so we can share our common interests in our golden years.
I mean, you love animals. Now I can learn to love them, too.
But these animals are like my children.
Good children ought to be seen and not heard.
What have you done to my babies?
Mew Mew.
You're not going to touch Mew Mew!
Mew Mew? Come to Mommy.
Mew Mew, it's very important.
Come here, little baby.
Oh, please! Where are you?
Where's Mew Mew?
She's around.
But first, it's show time.
Here they are. My complete collection.
What do you think?
Jonas, please.
I'm really proud of my handiwork.
You'd think it's the large animals that are most challenging.
Actually, it's the small ones that require the special technique.
I bet you can't imagine how many bones there are in a chipmunk's foot.
What are you doing? What are you looking for?
Oh, yeah. Something is missing, isn't it?
The final piece in my collection!
Something like this!
Give her to me, Jonas.
I can't give her to you like this. I haven't finished with her yet.
- I haven't really even started. - Jonas, please!
I believe in using chloroform.
Doesn't shock the system.
Muscles don't tense up and they pull away from the bones like butter.
You're not going to kill that cat.
Anita, no!
Is this show all right with you, Jonas?
That's nice.
I made tuna for lunch.
Your favorite.
As I've said before...
it's so nice to have a man around the house to take care of.
Hi, there. I just dropped by to see how you two were doing.
- Come on in, Roy. - How's Jonas?
He's really slowed down and learned how to enjoy life.
He's much happier.
He really is.
I guess Jonas learned that a hobby can be very self-fulfilling...
as long as you're not too stuffy about it.
So, until next time, I want all of you...
to sit, stay, play dead.
Good boy.
English