1
00:00:04,404 --> 00:00:06,770
It's good to have you back...

2
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:10,037
you horror-hungry humans.

3
00:00:10,477 --> 00:00:14,811
You know by now
who's here to feed your fear.

4
00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:18,416
It's me, the Crypt Keeper...

5
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:21,711
with another flesh-creeping
scream story...

6
00:00:21,788 --> 00:00:24,154
for your shivering pleasure.

7
00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:29,092
I'm calling this bite of bitter bile:

8
00:00:29,562 --> 00:00:32,759
"Lover Come Hack to Me. "

9
00:00:34,667 --> 00:00:37,363
So plump up that coffin pillow...

10
00:00:37,437 --> 00:00:39,962
and settle back your bones.

11
00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:42,674
We're going to take a little ride...

12
00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:44,869
to honeymoon hell.

13
00:00:53,319 --> 00:00:55,082
I'll go load the car, hon.

14
00:00:56,156 --> 00:00:59,557
Peggy, you'll live to regret this day.

15
00:01:00,026 --> 00:01:03,018
Please don't spoil my happiness,
Aunt Edith.

16
00:01:03,096 --> 00:01:05,564
Peggy, I'm only thinking of your happiness.

17
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:10,196
You'll live to regret this day, too.

18
00:01:11,104 --> 00:01:13,572
Why would I ever regret
marrying the woman I love?

19
00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:16,868
You don't love her. You love the fortune
that her mother left her.

20
00:01:16,943 --> 00:01:20,902
And you love her stocks and bonds
and her real estate and that big house.

21
00:01:21,047 --> 00:01:24,244
And you don't love any of that?
Give me a break, Aunt Edith.

22
00:01:24,317 --> 00:01:26,683
You've been sponging off of Peggy
for 20 years.

23
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:29,847
I've been protecting Peggy for 20 years
from people like you.

24
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,790
- And I'll continue to protect her.
- We'll be back in a week.

25
00:01:32,859 --> 00:01:35,191
Make sure you leave
a forwarding address, okay?

26
00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:38,287
You're putting me out?
You can't make me leave that house.

27
00:01:38,364 --> 00:01:39,592
I was born there.

28
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:42,328
I guess you'll just have to find
someplace else to die.

29
00:01:43,369 --> 00:01:45,269
- Are you ready, honey?
- Yes.

30
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:47,603
- Bye, Aunt Edith.
- Bye.

31
00:02:13,733 --> 00:02:17,601
- Did you find where we are?
- No. I can't read maps.

32
00:02:21,741 --> 00:02:24,835
- Oh, no.
- What? What is it? What's wrong?

33
00:02:25,211 --> 00:02:26,371
Look.

34
00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:30,881
Wow. It must have been the lightning.

35
00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:35,778
Do you think you can move it?

36
00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:39,256
In this weather? Are you crazy?
Look at its size. I'll get soaking wet.

37
00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:44,088
If we turn around and go back, it will
take us all night to get to the hotel.

38
00:02:44,430 --> 00:02:47,957
You don't want to spend
our wedding night on the road, do you?

39
00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:50,832
I guess not. You got a flashlight in here?

40
00:02:51,070 --> 00:02:52,560
Yeah. In here.

41
00:02:59,979 --> 00:03:03,142
- Is this yours?
- No. I've never seen it before.

42
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:08,453
It must be a wedding present
from old Aunt Edith. I'll take care of it.

43
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,357
Wait here.

44
00:03:48,995 --> 00:03:51,156
Shit. I'm soaked.

45
00:03:52,599 --> 00:03:54,226
We've gotta turn around.

46
00:03:57,303 --> 00:03:58,497
Where's the key?

47
00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:02,599
I don't have them.
You probably took them out with you.

48
00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:06,770
Fuck.

49
00:04:09,682 --> 00:04:11,411
What are we going to do?

50
00:04:14,687 --> 00:04:16,314
- Hello.
- Hello.

51
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:21,386
Hello? Anybody home?

52
00:04:21,461 --> 00:04:23,861
- I'm scared.
- You're always scared, Peggy.

53
00:04:28,401 --> 00:04:30,198
Looks like the house is all ours.

54
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,363
Are you going to break and enter?

55
00:04:32,672 --> 00:04:36,164
No, we're going to stand out here
all night and catch our death of cold.

56
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,538
Look what I found.

57
00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:47,652
Guess we're meant to go in.

58
00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,621
Charles?

59
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,728
- What?
- Don't you think...

60
00:05:05,905 --> 00:05:07,805
Think what? What?

61
00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:12,336
Don't you think that you should
carry me over the threshold?

62
00:05:16,215 --> 00:05:17,341
All right.

63
00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:34,696
Welcome to the honeymoon suite.

64
00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:42,669
Look, there's a phone. Can I call AAA?

65
00:05:43,209 --> 00:05:46,667
Sure, if it works. I'll get the bags.

66
00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:02,661
How did you know the line was dead?

67
00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:05,856
Well, what'd you expect?
Obviously no one's been living here.

68
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:09,333
- Come on.
- Where?

69
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:11,665
We're gonna go exploring.

70
00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:27,079
It looks like nothing's been
touched here for 20 years.

71
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:29,452
What now?

72
00:06:34,994 --> 00:06:36,427
Well, what's wrong?

73
00:06:37,997 --> 00:06:40,625
It's just a family portrait.

74
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,030
Probably someone's mother-in-law.

75
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:47,100
Get it? Mother-in-law.

76
00:06:48,441 --> 00:06:50,671
Old battle-ax. Aunt Edith.

77
00:06:50,877 --> 00:06:52,469
Was this put here for us?

78
00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:54,875
- What, the axe?
- No, the fire.

79
00:06:54,947 --> 00:06:57,438
It looks like it's just been recently laid.

80
00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:02,514
Yeah. Who cares?

81
00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:08,685
I think fires are very romantic. Don't you?

82
00:07:09,195 --> 00:07:13,029
Yes, dear. Especially when they're lit.

83
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,294
- Take your clothes off.
- What?

84
00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:21,463
Take off your wet clothes
so they have a chance to dry.

85
00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:26,368
It's about time we saw each other naked,
don't you think?

86
00:07:27,213 --> 00:07:28,942
After all, honey...

87
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:34,918
- we are married now.
- Yes, of course.

88
00:07:35,087 --> 00:07:36,645
Just let me get my bag.

89
00:07:38,724 --> 00:07:39,952
All right.

90
00:08:25,204 --> 00:08:27,638
- Peggy, where are you?
- Right here.

91
00:08:32,211 --> 00:08:33,542
Thank you.

92
00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:46,756
I wish I had a drink.

93
00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:50,221
Well, we have other things, you know.

94
00:08:52,131 --> 00:08:54,622
- What?
- Each other.

95
00:08:55,301 --> 00:08:57,064
Yeah, right, each other.

96
00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:04,710
You're not really attracted to me, are you?

97
00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:10,077
What are you talking about?

98
00:09:12,518 --> 00:09:14,748
My aunt was right, wasn't she?

99
00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:18,283
You did only marry me for my money.

100
00:09:21,827 --> 00:09:23,294
Oh, honey.

101
00:09:28,434 --> 00:09:30,334
Hey now, don't be silly.

102
00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:38,637
You know I love you.

103
00:09:40,813 --> 00:09:42,007
Do you?

104
00:09:44,984 --> 00:09:47,111
God, of course I do.

105
00:09:49,355 --> 00:09:50,879
And I want you, too.

106
00:09:52,124 --> 00:09:53,352
You do?

107
00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:55,552
Yeah.

108
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,326
Remember how many times
I tried to make love to you...

109
00:09:59,398 --> 00:10:00,956
before we got married?

110
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:06,099
You were always the one that said no.

111
00:10:06,372 --> 00:10:09,637
That's because I wanted to keep myself
perfect for this night.

112
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:10,971
I know.

113
00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:12,704
No, you don't.

114
00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:16,081
You don't know how important
it is for me...

115
00:10:16,148 --> 00:10:18,013
to have this night be perfect.

116
00:10:18,985 --> 00:10:22,648
- I know. It's important to me, too.
- Do you mean that?

117
00:10:24,523 --> 00:10:25,820
Yes, I do.

118
00:10:29,528 --> 00:10:30,654
I do.

119
00:10:32,431 --> 00:10:33,921
And I want you.

120
00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:39,063
Honey, I want you.

121
00:10:39,538 --> 00:10:41,335
I want you so much.

122
00:10:44,910 --> 00:10:48,437
Charles, please. Please.

123
00:10:49,115 --> 00:10:50,810
Please, Charles. Stop.

124
00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:54,342
- Stop it. Stop!
- What?

125
00:10:55,021 --> 00:10:56,921
I thought that's what you wanted.

126
00:10:57,356 --> 00:11:01,622
It is. I want it desperately,
but not like this.

127
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:06,360
What do you mean?
What's wrong with this? This is perfect.

128
00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:09,765
There's a storm outside,
a cheery fireplace inside.

129
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:12,334
What's wrong?

130
00:11:13,472 --> 00:11:16,771
In a bed, please. In a bed.

131
00:11:18,544 --> 00:11:22,036
All right, in a bed.
If we can find one in here.

132
00:11:22,782 --> 00:11:24,044
Thank you.

133
00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:27,076
Anything to please my wife.

134
00:11:31,957 --> 00:11:35,393
- This is just perfect.
- Well, we can only try.

135
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,391
What's with this clock ticking?

136
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:46,998
It makes me feel safe. The sound.

137
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:51,871
Jesus.

138
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:07,920
- Peggy?
- In here, Charles.

139
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:17,561
Isn't this so beautiful?

140
00:12:18,871 --> 00:12:22,102
Yeah, beautiful.

141
00:12:23,375 --> 00:12:25,900
Look. This is so weird.

142
00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:28,307
The bed looks like it's just been made.

143
00:12:29,148 --> 00:12:30,843
Look at all these candles.

144
00:12:32,518 --> 00:12:36,579
That even makes it more romantic.
You light them and I'll go get changed.

145
00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:40,456
All right.

146
00:12:55,808 --> 00:12:57,708
This is perfect, isn't it?

147
00:12:58,811 --> 00:13:01,473
Absolutely, my darling.

148
00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:05,382
Yeah, right.

149
00:13:06,652 --> 00:13:08,643
The perfect honeymoon...

150
00:13:11,824 --> 00:13:14,258
starting the perfect marriage...

151
00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:23,796
with the perfect wife.

152
00:14:05,077 --> 00:14:06,738
Are you in bed yet?

153
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:09,813
Yes, I'm in bed, honey.

154
00:14:10,082 --> 00:14:13,518
You know, I'd do anything for you.

155
00:14:14,753 --> 00:14:17,381
And I'd do anything for you, too.

156
00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:21,517
And your bank account.

157
00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:33,196
This is anything.

158
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,671
I hope you like it.

159
00:14:37,576 --> 00:14:40,545
- Peggy?
- Yes.

160
00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:47,118
You do like it, don't you?

161
00:14:47,753 --> 00:14:49,345
Like it? I love it.

162
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:51,386
Good.

163
00:14:55,527 --> 00:15:00,226
Because I want this to be
as perfect for you...

164
00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:03,157
as it is for me.

165
00:15:06,872 --> 00:15:09,432
It is going to be perfect, isn't it?

166
00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:14,044
As perfect as I can make it.

167
00:15:18,384 --> 00:15:19,908
And, baby...

168
00:15:22,221 --> 00:15:24,781
I can make it perfect.

169
00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:59,682
You really are a virgin.

170
00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:01,620
Yes.

171
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:03,792
Good.

172
00:17:51,703 --> 00:17:53,500
We made a child.

173
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,306
I know we did.

174
00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,601
And she's only...

175
00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:05,006
this big.

176
00:18:11,890 --> 00:18:13,414
It was perfect.

177
00:18:15,961 --> 00:18:17,986
As perfect as it will ever get.

178
00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:52,657
Peggy?

179
00:19:10,549 --> 00:19:12,039
What the hell?

180
00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:16,953
Looks like somebody
needs a little cooling off.

181
00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:20,248
- Let's do it inside.
- Yeah.

182
00:19:30,769 --> 00:19:33,294
There you go, my lady,
carried across the threshold.

183
00:19:33,372 --> 00:19:34,964
You're wonderful.

184
00:19:35,874 --> 00:19:38,934
I want you. I want you right now.

185
00:19:39,077 --> 00:19:41,011
I want you, too.

186
00:19:42,281 --> 00:19:43,407
Let's go.

187
00:19:43,715 --> 00:19:45,979
No. I don't want to do it in a bed.

188
00:19:46,451 --> 00:19:48,351
I want to do it somewhere special.

189
00:19:48,554 --> 00:19:50,419
Somewhere perfect.

190
00:20:06,572 --> 00:20:08,767
Get it off. Get it hard.

191
00:20:23,021 --> 00:20:25,353
We're gonna make this one really special.

192
00:20:25,691 --> 00:20:29,525
No. We're gonna make this one
really perfect.

193
00:21:00,392 --> 00:21:04,055
It's perfect. Perfect.

194
00:21:20,212 --> 00:21:22,112
She never loved me, either.

195
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:35,722
Why did she marry me?

196
00:21:38,063 --> 00:21:40,054
It doesn't matter.

197
00:21:44,269 --> 00:21:49,002
What matters is,
the marriage certificate is real.

198
00:21:49,574 --> 00:21:50,973
She is mine.

199
00:21:51,443 --> 00:21:55,174
And every goddamn penny
she's got in the world...

200
00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:57,010
is mine, too.

201
00:21:57,416 --> 00:22:00,874
Allen, our love is complete now.

202
00:22:02,054 --> 00:22:03,715
Perfectly complete.

203
00:22:06,792 --> 00:22:08,657
We made a baby girl...

204
00:22:09,561 --> 00:22:12,530
and she's only this big.

205
00:22:13,899 --> 00:22:17,232
And I believed her
when she said she was a virgin.

206
00:22:22,874 --> 00:22:26,366
This is the way love
should always remain, my dearest.

207
00:22:27,212 --> 00:22:29,578
Clean and sweet and passionate.

208
00:22:31,249 --> 00:22:33,979
But it doesn't. Time sours it.

209
00:22:34,486 --> 00:22:36,420
The passion cools.

210
00:22:37,089 --> 00:22:40,923
But that's not going to happen
to our passionate love, my dearest.

211
00:22:41,793 --> 00:22:43,920
I'm not going to let it happen.

212
00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:48,530
I'm going to keep it just exactly as it is.

213
00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:50,767
Preserve it for always.

214
00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:54,703
I'm not going to let time spoil our love.

215
00:22:57,442 --> 00:22:58,773
Where's the ax?

216
00:22:58,844 --> 00:23:00,334
Wake up, darling.

217
00:23:01,179 --> 00:23:02,407
Wake up.

218
00:23:04,015 --> 00:23:06,347
Wake up!

219
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:09,813
Good. Now go back to sleep.

220
00:23:10,856 --> 00:23:12,346
No!

221
00:23:25,036 --> 00:23:28,938
It's not Peggy. They're both ghosts.

222
00:23:31,410 --> 00:23:33,935
- You see, Allen...
- Allen?

223
00:23:34,179 --> 00:23:36,579
...I told you I'd preserve our love.

224
00:23:37,149 --> 00:23:39,777
Peggy's father was named Allen.

225
00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:42,914
He died before Peggy was born.

226
00:23:45,557 --> 00:23:49,049
Peggy's mother killed her husband
in this house...

227
00:23:50,729 --> 00:23:52,356
on their wedding night.

228
00:23:53,098 --> 00:23:55,862
That was the night that Peggy
was conceived.

229
00:24:01,773 --> 00:24:05,675
Don't you think Peggy would be
a nice name for our little girl?

230
00:24:06,812 --> 00:24:09,906
Please. Please, God!

231
00:24:09,981 --> 00:24:12,245
Please, God! Please let me be dreaming.

232
00:24:17,889 --> 00:24:20,221
Easy.

233
00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:22,885
It was just a nightmare.

234
00:24:24,196 --> 00:24:27,131
I guess it was a nightmare.

235
00:24:28,900 --> 00:24:31,164
- You need a towel.
- Yes.

236
00:24:31,903 --> 00:24:33,632
What were you dreaming about?

237
00:24:35,707 --> 00:24:37,368
It was about your parents.

238
00:24:37,909 --> 00:24:41,572
I dreamt that your mother
killed your father on their wedding night.

239
00:24:42,347 --> 00:24:43,746
That's weird.

240
00:24:43,949 --> 00:24:47,578
That's exactly what happened
on the night I was conceived.

241
00:24:47,819 --> 00:24:48,911
What?

242
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:52,589
And I want what my mother had.

243
00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:55,489
A perfect honeymoon.

244
00:24:56,361 --> 00:24:58,454
A perfect love...

245
00:24:59,297 --> 00:25:03,393
that I can make sure
that time does not spoil.

246
00:25:03,635 --> 00:25:07,867
We don't have a perfect love. I married you
for your money. I've never loved you.

247
00:25:07,939 --> 00:25:09,065
That's not true.

248
00:25:09,174 --> 00:25:11,734
Yes, it is.

249
00:25:13,044 --> 00:25:14,204
See?

250
00:25:15,113 --> 00:25:18,241
Now I brought this to kill you
on our wedding night.

251
00:25:19,150 --> 00:25:22,142
I was going to blame it on a burglar
and inherit your money.

252
00:25:22,220 --> 00:25:25,018
But you didn't shoot me
because after we made love...

253
00:25:25,090 --> 00:25:27,786
you realized that our honeymoon
was perfect...

254
00:25:28,426 --> 00:25:30,417
- and that you love me.
- No.

255
00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:34,097
I'll shoot you now. I swear to God
I'll shoot you right now.

256
00:25:34,299 --> 00:25:36,324
You love me too much to kill me.

257
00:25:37,235 --> 00:25:38,497
You wanna bet?

258
00:25:43,441 --> 00:25:44,738
See?

259
00:25:45,143 --> 00:25:49,170
Our love is perfect.
That's why I'm going to preserve it...

260
00:25:49,481 --> 00:25:52,575
- for always.
- No!

261
00:26:10,769 --> 00:26:12,600
Sleep tight, Charles.

262
00:26:23,448 --> 00:26:24,972
Aunt Edith.

263
00:26:32,691 --> 00:26:36,183
- I'm so happy you came.
- I'm so glad you called.

264
00:26:37,462 --> 00:26:40,693
- How was your wedding night?
- It was wonderful.

265
00:26:41,199 --> 00:26:43,565
- I'm going to have a baby girl.
- Really?

266
00:26:43,802 --> 00:26:46,669
- Yes and she's only this big.
- That's lovely, dear.

267
00:26:49,174 --> 00:26:52,610
- You'll love her, won't you?
- Well, of course I will.

268
00:26:53,311 --> 00:26:55,836
Just as I loved your mother, as I love you.

269
00:26:57,182 --> 00:27:00,310
Only no more men, understand?

270
00:27:00,785 --> 00:27:02,047
I promise.

271
00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:06,220
Besides, I don't need one anymore,
now that I have my little girl.

272
00:27:08,493 --> 00:27:11,326
But she's gonna need one, someday.

273
00:27:13,131 --> 00:27:14,996
Of course she will, dear.

274
00:27:16,401 --> 00:27:17,732
Of course she will.

275
00:27:28,446 --> 00:27:31,904
Talk about family traditions.

276
00:27:32,050 --> 00:27:35,247
All you bouncing bachelors out there...

277
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:36,947
a word of warning:

278
00:27:37,589 --> 00:27:41,320
Before you take that matrimonial plunge...

279
00:27:41,626 --> 00:27:44,060
check out the bride's background.

280
00:27:45,330 --> 00:27:47,662
Open her closet door...

281
00:27:47,732 --> 00:27:51,759
and see if any family secrets fall out.

282
00:27:52,570 --> 00:27:57,132
Beware of skeletons,
unless they're yours truly.

283
00:28:33,845 --> 00:28:34,834
English