Good evening, fiend fans...
and welcome to my crawly crypt.
This little drama...
is about one of life's unexpected pleasures:
Dying, that is.
Most of us only get to do it once...
and it's all over before you can really enjoy it.
But one man did get to die again.
And he liked it so much he started doing it for a living.
This is the story of Ulric the Undying...
a sideshow performer...
who found death not only fun, but profitable.
In fact, he is dying to put on a show for you...
right now.
Come, gather round. Come from far, come from near.
Gather round, folks, right over here.
Come see the show. 100% natural, nothing artificial...
guaranteed no pesticides, but perhaps a homicide.
Tonight, a special show, two shows in one.
The tragedy of death and the miracle of resurrection!
Tonight, this man, our very own Ulric the Undying...
will be sealed into a coffin...
and buried in a grave six feet under to await his inevitable expiration...
by the grasp of suffocation.
I call your attention to the clock, which hangs above his grave.
Ulric will be buried alive at precisely the stroke of midnight.
But we're not gonna let him out until noon tomorrow...
at which time his precious oxygen will have been exhausted.
Folks, this is an escape...
that Houdini himself couldn't have gotten out of.
I give to you Ulric the Undying!
Ulric!
When they dig me up, I'll be dead.
Just like all those bastards want me to be.
But I won't stay that way.
I remember the day it all began.
Who are you?
How would you like to be rich?
Get out.
Richer than you ever thought possible. Richer than you ever dreamed of.
This money, my life's savings, will be yours...
if you consent to a small experiment.
Yes, my friend. Come.
Wait a minute. What is it?
This, you'll pardon the term, is a CAT scan.
It shows the blood flow into the brain of a healthy house cat.
This shows the brain of a cat near death.
Now, what's your point, Doc?
My point is that this cat didn't die, not permanently.
An hour later, he was healthy as a kitten.
And the same thing happened again and again until the ninth time...
when he finally stayed dead.
Different cat?
- What's all this got to do with me? - Well, I...
I want to give you those nine lives, the next best... Don't touch!
The next best thing to being immortal. It's a simple matter, really.
Removing a gland from a common cat...
and surgically grafting it into your brain.
Wait. Into my brain?
So I can die nine times. Now you're making sense, Doc!
Precisely.
And this is where you're going to do it?
I'm going to get your gland.
And these are the tools of the profession.
Wait a minute.
If this don't work...
If it doesn't work, you'll have no complaints.
Holy Christ!
I've had hangovers before, but this is terrible.
My head.
Wait a minute, Doc. You didn't say you were gonna shave my head.
- How do you feel? - Shitty.
Doc, did it work?
Absolutely. Fabulous. Fantastic.
You now have the nine lives of this poor cat.
Wait a minute.
How do I know I've got nine lives?
- This ought to kill you. - No, Doc!
There's no doubt about it.
No!
Welcome back to life, friend.
You bastard. You tried to kill me!
I didn't try to kill you, I did kill you.
Deader than Kelsey's nuts.
You can still die eight more times.
All right, if that's true...
when do I get my money?
As I promised, right now.
But before you stagger into the nearest bar...
to slurp down your money...
how would you like to make hundred times more?
A thousand times?
- No! What else do you want to do to me? - Nothing, dear boy.
I just thought perhaps your special talent...
could make us both lot of money.
Enough to finance my years of my longevity research...
and enough, of course, to buy you an ocean of alcohol.
What have I got to do?
First thing, you shave, and try not to cut your own throat.
Those extra lives are too valuable to waste.
Why not? Lt'd be worth millions.
No, I'm not interested. I've seen escape acts.
The only thing that disappears is the audience.
But Ulric the Undying is different.
You see, he doesn't escape, he actually dies right before your eyes.
That's why we can only schedule a limited number of performances.
- He dies? - Yes.
Okay, Strangelove, I'll give it a shot.
I hope it works. I can use the money.
My freaks need a new shoe.
Gather round, gather round...
as Ulric the Undying defies the drowning chamber...
a watery nightmare from which there is no escape.
Three minutes is enough to kill any mere mortal...
but Ulric will remain underwater for a full hour...
as verified by the eminent Dr. Manfred Mann.
- Dr. Emil Manfred. - Whatever you say, Doc.
Ulric, are you ready?
- Are you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.
Okay, boys. Fill her up.
Ladies and gentlemen, as the water engulfs Ulric...
I beg you to control your emotions.
Make no move to save him!
You want to have dinner with me later?
...he was a child prodigy who spent his early years...
Dinner.
...I'll be lying.
Dinner with me later? Dinner? Eat?
You want to eat with me later?
After you're dead? I'll wait here, okay?
Speed it up.
That's it.
He's deader than a possum on the Interstate.
He's deader than shit!
Don't worry, folks, we're gonna still keep him in there for a full hour!
May I have the official clock?
He's dead. He is officially dead.
Thank you, Dr. Manfred.
Drain the tank. This may seem like Ulric's last performance.
But don't go away yet, folks.
For Ulric is a man who lives only to die again.
I give you resurrection.
Resurrection!
- Is he gonna come back for dinner? - Of course.
Resurrection! Doc?
- Resurrect! Resurrection! - You better come back!
Come back.
Folks, don't go away. Doc!
Doc, you get in trouble in some states for this.
- Resurrection! - Resurrection!
- Folks, don't go away. - Resurrection!
I'd be happy to give you a rain check.
Resurrection!
Shut the fuck up. Folks, listen to me.
What the hell happened in there?
How could you let him do it? It's your fault he's dead.
It's his fault I'm rich!
- What's your name, honey? - Coralee.
How would you like to have some Italian food? I'm buying.
Good.
- Doc, get me a towel. - He's alive!
I'm resurrected!
Resurrection! He's alive!
Gather round!
Just think, Doc.
$10,000 just to let them watch me drown on the 10:00 news.
Don't forget, Ulric, that 60% goes to continue my longevity research.
Doc, relax. We got a partnership...
and I got a date.
Hi.
That's one thing I'll say for old Doc Manfred.
He wasted no time getting me killed again.
Gather round, gather round for a little frontier justice...
as our own Ulric the Undying is gonna have a little necktie party...
as he gets his neck stretched before our very eyes.
Seems like a nice day to die.
I became a sensation.
Crowds would gather from miles around just to see me bite the big one.
Hey, how is it going? Nice to come back. Seen you last time.
Ladies, gentlemen, Texans, and other faint-hearted...
may want to turn your eyes away...
from this horrible example of what happens...
when you do the dirty in the dirty town of Dastardly.
- Pull the lever. Pull it. - I said I don't wanna do it.
Coralee, pull the lever.
- You do it. - Pull it.
There's not much riding upstairs, but downstairs is what counts.
- Coralee, pull the lever. - I don't wanna do it.
He's dead!
He's alive.
Coralee, the rope. Grab the rope. I don't want to waste a life.
There's an awful lot of money in dying, isn't there?
- As long as I get my percentage. - Doc, no problem.
After all, you're the guy counting the money.
All I want is my share.
- Hi, baby. - Hi, baby.
Doc, thanks a million.
I want to see Mr. Friendly.
I figured it was time to boost my profits.
So I waited just for the right moment.
Think what a strange machine the human body is, Ulric.
Yeah, how about that.
You can kill a man by destroying less than 1% of his body.
- He can be 99% healthy, and dead. - Amazing, isn't it?
Every human body is like a walking chemistry set.
If anything happens to upset that delicate balance...
Death.
That's why you're so amazing, Ulric.
Because your body fixes itself.
And it is going to make us both a lot of money.
Doc, you're half right about that. See, it's going to make me a lot of money.
See, I gotta breach that contract, Doc.
You're about to die in a terrible car accident.
What are you talking about? That's murder.
Yes, but who's gonna suspect me?
I mean, after all, I'll die with you.
But I got six lives.
- How many lives do you have? - Wait! Slow down!
No hard feelings, Doc.
Gather round, gather round. Tonight, a special delight.
This is no hoax, folks.
In a few minutes, our own Ulric, the man who lives to die...
will be quick-fried with a burst of electrical energy.
And one of you lucky folks is gonna be the one to pull the switch.
Coralee, will you draw the lucky number?
And the lucky number is...
- five, two... - That's a one, doll.
- It's a five. Five... - That's a one.
10590!
That's me!
Come up here and claim your prize.
Congratulations, you get to fry my boyfriend!
- Ulric, do you have any last words? - Yes, I do.
I'd like to dedicate this death...
to the memory of Dr. Emil Manfred, my dear friend...
who would have wanted me to continue...
Shut up and cook him!
- Are you ready? - You bet your ass I'm ready.
I'm ready to die.
- Then nuke him. - Go for it, Grandma.
Shocking, isn't it?
Go for the burn.
Looks like that's the end of old Ulric.
Shake and bake.
Resurrection!
Or are you going to make a liar out of me?
Resurrection!
Okay, Ulric.
Resurrection!
Just a gag, folks. He's a kidder. Come on, Ulric.
- Resurrection! - Resurrection!
Grandma killed my boyfriend!
He's going for a new world record.
That's one thing I hadn't figured.
Some resurrections take longer than others.
Appreciate your business.
All right, now, first we drain the...
- Please, I'm trying to... - No!
Come on, what is it?
No, you can't embalm him. He's not really dead.
You could've fooled me.
Now, please excuse me, I have a very tight schedule.
Welcome back.
- Coralee, baby, what was our take? - $50,634.
First time for money worth dying for.
- I missed you while I was dead. Miss me? - I missed you.
That one.
That one was too close for comfort.
I mean, if this guy embalms me, I don't know if I can come back.
And even if I can...
So the next time, I made special arrangements.
Coralee was gonna get my body, no matter what.
Gather round!
Shoot it down! Lay the bear on the ground!
Now, for your pleasure, for a limited time only...
is a chance to kill a real, live human being.
Come on, I'm dying to die! Come on, hit me.
In the heart!
Give him a heart-on as it will.
Yes, come on up here. A man of the sea.
Come on up here, son. Come on up here, Admiral.
Come on, Navy, let's go. Show that bimbo what you've got.
That will be $1,000, please.
Come on. What's $1,000 when you get to kill a real human being?
Come on. What are you, afraid?
Yes?
No? Well, then, anchors away, Popeye. Okay, move away.
Come on, let's go. Who'll be next? Come on, what an opportunity.
Here's a macho man.
Been pumping iron, I see.
Yes, we do take credit cards.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Okay, step on up there, son. Time is money.
Come on, Bonzo!
Don't play to the crowd, play to the bear.
The one you're trying to kill. He's dying to die!
Come on, asshole.
Waiting to get that heart shot, huh?
Get the bear. One shot, you have here.
Come on, boy. You can do it. I know...
- The bear's over there. - I'm getting out of here.
He's going to kill us all!
Are you ready? Aim, fire!
So near and yet so far. As the French say, "C'est tough shit. "
Who's next? Come on! Fun for the whole family!
Junior's gonna give it a try.
A father-and-son team!
Come on, I know you can do it.
- $1,000, please. - Well worth it for my son.
Come on... Junior, don't be a sissy now.
- I don't want to. - Listen to your father, son.
Come on, I'm gonna get you a junior membership in the NRA.
Some kids kill rabbits, you can kill people. Put your hand up.
- I don't want to kill anybody. - I've been killing people for years.
- Now it's your turn. You can line it up. - No.
Steady. Now!
- You did that on purpose. - I didn't do it, Dad.
I didn't mean to hit him in the balls.
You little fat fucker.
All right, who'll be next? Come on!
A personal check? Yes, we take personal checks.
I'll need two pieces of identification.
Look at this!
"State Fair Archery Champion, 1987!"
If anyone can hit him, I guess he can.
Go get him, sir. And good luck to you.
Sweet dreams, Ulric.
He's dead!
So what do I win?
The lovely Coralee.
- Congratulations, sir. - Awesome.
I need someone to help me move the body.
I'm sorry, but you can't move him.
I have a special arrangement with the deceased.
Doesn't make any difference.
He told me to give you this if there was any objection.
Holy shit. This is more money than I make in a year.
You're welcome.
- Can I help you move the body? - Yeah.
You made the front page.
Shitty picture.
How're you feeling, honey?
Baby, this dying shit is taking years off my life.
Oh, my poor baby.
- I'll get it. - Who is it?
Gather round. Here we go. 80% of the box office take...
payola from HBO, and some side-bet money, too.
You know, Ulric baby, on a more personal note...
I want you to sincerely know how...
$60,000.
Remember, me carny es su carny.
- $60,000. Coralee, baby? - Yeah?
What do you say we take a vacation?
Go to Vegas, catch Wayne Newton's act...
hop over to the Bahamas, then we'll skip over to Paris.
Did I tell you? Polanski wants to film my life story.
- All of them. - Yeah?
That sounds wonderful.
But I have an even better idea.
I'll go on vacation...
and you...
can stay here!
Sorry.
I gotta go now.
No hard feelings for that, okay, 'cause I'm...
Just, you know, enjoy the rest of your...
Bye, Mr. Friendly. The rest of your lives.
Look out, Vanna.
That bitch double-crossed me.
She killed me and took the money that I died for.
Well, I still have one life left.
And this life is going to pay me plenty.
You want what?
I want everything, all of the profits, 100%.
But that'll leave me with practically nothing.
Look, asshole, don't you remember...
what a shithouse this place was before I showed up?
Besides, think what the audience will do when their star attraction pulls a no-show.
- That's blackmail. - That's right.
- All right. - All right, what?
All right, 100%.
Man, I don't know how you can live with yourself.
I don't.
That sucker.
If I wanted, I could have got his share from those corndog concessions.
By the old clock on my wrist, it seems that its hour has approached.
Come on, boys. The time has come. Lower him down.
Here we go. And it's lowered.
When you get to hell, don't forget to write.
Here's mud in your eye.
Although I do feel a little bad about the Doc.
But what the hey!
I'm already set for life.
And all because of that poor little kitty.
Poor dead little kitty.
Too bad he had to die.
Wait a minute.
That cat, it died.
If it already died once...
it only had eight lives left.
Oh, my God!
I don't have nine lives.
Hey, somebody!
Well, he ought to be about out of air by now.
Are you kidding? Grow up. It's all a fake.
- Yeah, you think so? - Of course.
They won't let someone really die.
Somebody wait. I don't have nine lives.
- Did you hear something, Al? - No, probably just a cat.
Yeah, right. Just a cat.
Somebody, I don't have nine lives.
Somebody, let me out!
There, there. Nice kitty.
Get!
Hope you enjoyed our little bedtime story, kids.
Alas, poor Ulric, missed a bet.
Though Dying for Dollars could have been a popular game show.
They could have put it in between Wheel of Misfortune...
and the Newly Dead game.
Unless they buried it in the wrong time slot.
English