Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden,
but it's been a good home to us.
To me, Frank Gallagher and me kids, who I'm proud of,
cos every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip any more.
Ian, a lot like his mam, which was handy for the others when she disappeared into thin air.
And Carl, daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
One, it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.
Two, nits love it.
Debbie. Sent by God. Total Angel.
You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.
Plus lickle Liam. He's gonna be a star some day.
Monica, the wife. She's back, with her bird in tow.
And we can't get shot of her.
And the neighbours.
The neighbours. Well, what can you say?
Nothing if you don't want your arms breaking. Still, nobody's perfect.
But, all of them, to a man, know first and foremost one of
the most vital necessities is... They know how to throw a party!
www.addic7ed.com
Gonna make some toast..
'Cock.
'Cock, cock, cock, cock, cock.
'When I'm not looking for it, I'm looking at it.
'I'm thinking about it.
'Women reckon we're in control of it.
'Blame blokes when they land straight hard-ons.
'Like we know what it's gonna do.'
Liam!
'My mate's cat was settling for a sleep on me the other day.
'I was like the Hilton fucking Tower.
'And I don't want sex with a cat.
'I don't.'
Mandy!
I've just been sacked.
Ian!
It says they can't afford to pay me any more.
I heard the chip shop were looking.
Is now the best time to discuss this?
It's a shit job.
But they can't just sack me like it means nothing.
Right, this is about Kash.
No.
You're not still shagging him, are you?
Speaking of which.
He did it by fucking letter.
Your family. It's like a zoo in here.
You can't do this to me.
Look, Ian. If there was any other way.
You said whatever happened, you'd always want me working here.
This isn't about us and I know what I said previously.
This is about now. Business.
Kash, you're talking to me.
It's just business, OK?
Business.
My arse it is.
Oi!
What the fuck are you doin'? You trashed my bike!
They're gonna kill me, if they catch me.
What have you done?
I'm not really into trust games but...help us.
Why?
Because you're 'ere and you've got a kind face.
And if you don't, I'm gonna get shot with shite.
Look, I dunno.
Fuck the kind face, then.
Save us for a wedge.
Kash is at mosque or Council while his beautiful wife sits at home doin' her nails?
When do I have time for fucking nails?
I'm not a fan of beauty treatments.
I like natural.
Stop looking at me arse.
When were last time he did a full day in his shop? Never.
Cos he has too much fun at his Council...All right, Kash?
Trying to shag my wife again, you can fuck off.
Ian's not turned up so I'm left to do everything!
Unless you're gonna stay and help me.
Sorry, busy.
Big day with the Council. >
Another thing. Red reminder - you've not paid the phone bill!
I said, I'll sort it.
Kash!
When you get angry, your lip curls. It's kinda sexy.
Do as the man says and fuck off!
No! Oh!
(ON PHONE) 'Mimi? Hello?'
Mimi?
Mimi, love?
Jesus Christ.
You gave me the fright of my life.
Kenny. Dead.
What, your brother Kenny?
30,000 volts in his birthday barbecue.
Well, you hated Kenny. You threatened to have him shot if he didn't go to Australia.
Bad things happen in threes, Patrick.
Who's next? What's next?!
Nobody's next.
I'm cursed.
Come on, don't give me that shit from your grandmother.
I told Fergal, me son, not to come home and he's murdered.
I told Kenny, me brother, to stop sending me begging letters, he dies.
What if I tell our baby Katie to stop crying? She might...!
Oh, my God!
Come on. You didn't mean that.
Come on. You've got to speak to me.
You've got to speak to me.
Come on, say something!
You seen my bike?
Yeah, it's wrecked.
Fuck.
You had to pick the bin stinking of fishes, didn't you?
Who's following ya?
People from work.
What's in the bag?
Stuff! Will you fuck off, Colombo?
Oi!
Are these your clothes?
Put 'em back!
How much?
What?
T-shirt?
Er, 20, 30?
Look, just get sorted and get out of here.
Shit!
How many times do I have to tell you?
Next time, I'll shove 'em up your arse. They'll be safer.
What have you done now, Einstein?
Einstein, Einstein!
Am I green? Have I got a bolt sticking out of my head?
No, Shane. You have nothing sticking out of your head.
Tell me you're not being chased by the fucking Maguires.
You know 'em?
They live next door. You can't stay here, they'll kill us both.
They won't look under their nose.
No way.
I paid for a room, I'm staying.
Fine. Keep your money.
It'll take more than a few quid to keep Paddy off my back.
Fine. How much do you want?
There's ten grand's worth of scratchcards in 'ere.
Fuckin' hell.
Come on, just a word.
Well, if not a word, then a smile.
Come on, you know howbeautiful you look when you smile.
Bad things happen in threes, she said.
Fergal, Kenny...
Chuckles.
What happened to it?
Well, I think it must have swallowed something.
Come on, Chuckles. Din-din time.
Tragedy.
She told me to clean out the cage otherwise
she'd flush it down the toilet.
Now it's dead. Third thing.
At least I'm trying something.
I've been skimming off Shane for months.
Well, what would you do if you were left in a lock-up with 10 grand of scratchies inside?
Leave 'em where they are, cos Paddy Maguire'll break both your legs, you know that?
Well, once I've cashed them heain't gonna see me for dust anyways.
It'll take you weeks to get through those.
No, two days are all I've got.
These were on the way to Glasgow when Shane nicked them. When they don't turn up Monday morning
they'll bemade void, the barcodes won't scan.
So you've only got two days to scratch them and cash them?
70/30 split.
Yeah, you see,
I know what Paddy's really like, so...
60/40.
60/40 and a blow-job.
50/50.
Fine.
You missed out, you.
Anna Sampson's blow jobs are t' best in Manchester and
it's not just me saying that.
If you're staying,
you're up in the attic and you don't fucking come down.
We should get to work.
The Chatsworth estate is in trouble
but the trouble is not crime, it's health.
A recent government survey showed Chatsworth to be
a UK heart attack hot spot.
My Brendan was fat.
He had heart attack written all over him. It was crime did him.
Shot.
Mind you, he were carrying a bag of chips at the time.
This 250,000 which I have personally secured from the council
marks a major investment for us.
On Monday, work will begin
on the first Chatsworth co-operative health centre.
And to kick it all off this weekend, the Chatsworth fun run.
Get over it, it's not a real cheque!
You're late.
The bike wouldn't start.
Sorry.
Not looking goodfor the first week, is it?
Fast, hot and extra cheese. You'll do well to remember that.
Right.
You know, I love biking nights like this, the wind in your hair and that.
Under yer 'elmet, obviously.
Not like I've got any hair, but...
Bullshit!
A fun run?
Yes, Frank, a fun run.
Running isn't fun, just an excuse for wankers in vests to show us
how expensive their trainers are.
There's 500 quid if you win.
500 quid, is it?
I should enter. Save you having to wear out
the tread in those new trainers.
Fuck off.
I always wear trainers.
Digging, now there's a fucking challenge.
A fun dig, that'd be thecorrect sort of competition.
Might get a few useful things done round here -
public works, digs for victory, Victorians in the sewers, all that.
But will they sort that out? Will they bollocks.
Because working manwould win at digging, wouldn't he?
Running makes you healthy. I have never heard so much bollocks in all my life.
Look, running man?
Look at him, big legs, no fucking arms.
FuckingGallaghers!
For fuck's sake, can we slow down a bit?
Another tenner!
I haven't had this much fun in ages.
Yeah, cos you're a freak!
DOOR CREAKS
Need a word.
What time is it?
Never you mind.
My wife has a beautifulvoice but she won't speak. Why?
Cos she lost her son and it's sending her mad
so it's time to get her a new one.
What you want? Fertility tips?
Don't be fucking cocky!
You're gonna marry our daughter.
Join our family.
What?
Welcome to the Maguires, son.
Right?
I'll leave you be.
Is there no room in this house you keep fuckingclean?
You know the Maguires'd happily tax us up
then beat the living shit out of us?
Oh, live a little. People pay a fortune
for the kick of extreme sports. And we've invented a new one.
Pure adrenaline rush -
nicking off the local psycho, asleep only a few metres away.
Yeah, you've definitely lost it.
About bloody time!
I'm not paying for these, they're cold. Sod off!
I've gotta pay for them if you don't!
Wanker's cramp?
Fuck off!
Oh, fuck.
Shit, look at this! Five grand.
Five fucking grand. I've just won five fucking grand.
Shit, that's mint!
No, what are you doing? That was a winner.
For prizes above 75
you must provide proof of identity and also fill in the claim form.
You fill your name on the back of us and you're going to fucking jail.
Do not pass go, do not collect five grand.
75 is the maximum for us.
Don't look so upset. I'll let you rip the next one.
You notice we kissed?
Yeah.
You got someone else?
No.Don't you fancy me, then?
No...
Only this says different.
What's the matter?
My life's shit.
Change it, then. It's your responsibility.
What, says girl on run from mob.
At least I know I'm alive.
Yeah, for now.
I've got to get away.
That's sort of obvious.
I'm going to Birmingham.
Good choice!
I've got mates.
Mate. Chance of a job.
Come with us.
New start and all that crap.
And that'd be a good thing?
Dunno yet. It's got to be better than this, though.
What do you know about my life?
Fuck all.
And I was talking about this shitty estate.
Come on.
Let's get scratching.
I always say that after sex!
'Welcome to the Maguires, son.'
# BRIDAL MARCH
'The Maguires, son.'
# BRIDAL MARCH
'Maguires, son.'
# BRIDAL MARCH
Fuck, what's with you?
Nothing.
You've got toothpaste round your gob.
Don't rub it off. It looks kind of sweet.
Fuck, we fell asleep.
Yeah.
How many have we done?
Enough so we'll still be scratching around Wednesday.
Shit!
Don't worry, I've got an idea.
Debbie? Debbie?
Debbie?
We need your help.
Right, we want fifties and highers here, 10 and unders here,
anything in between there and all the duds in the bin bag.
We need to make a list of all the newsagents
within a five-mile radius.
I'll do a dry run to check these cash at all.
I'll do it. Give me one for 50 quid.
All the fifties are here.
You're supposed to be out the front
shouting "fresh fruit", not sat in here.
I told you I couldn't shout. All this healthy eating's well
and good but it won'tsort out my strep throat.
Do you want some bananas, mate? They're Egyptian.
No, ta.
Extra iron content. Healthy Chatsworth.
Thank you.
And no one told me about this tomato being a fruit, neither.
Or I'd have asked for extra if I'd known.
Well, if it isn't the invisible man.
Look, I don't wanna talk about it, I just what this cashed.
Like fuck you don'twanna talk about it.
Two hours late, you didn'teven bother coming in yesterday.
You sacked me!Since when?
"Financial pressures have forced us into a situation where we cannot maintain our current staffing level."
I didn't write this.
Well, it sounds like you.
I don't know anything about it.
Well, Kash knows.
Well, clearly there's been a mistake.
It's simple. You can't bear to have me around any more.
Ian,I think you must've misunderstood.
No, I haven't. He's a bastard! Tell him to fuck his job!
Ian, you work forme.
This ismyshop.
What are you working on, Liam?
A castle.
Where'd you get these cards from?
Let go of her!
Oh, fuck!
Get off me!
You've got to stop her!
Do you know it?
Know what?
Thousands of scratch cardsstolen off my dad by your family.
Fucking Anne Frankhere living in your loft!
You knew, didn't you?
No.You bastard!
I knew nothing!
Good, thenthe rest of you better watch out.
Stop her, she's hurting me!
Lip, you don't understand.
Is this you?
They were wankers to her, she's not gonna rip them off for fun!
Mandy, stop!
What's your dad gonna do if he finds out about this?
This is my familyyou're ripping off!
Yeah, are me and Katie not your family, too?
If your dad gets hold of Ian, he'll rip his bollocks off.
Who do you think'll be next in line? You go round there
and create trouble and that is gonna cause one heap of shit for us.
Lip gets a cut, same as any of you.
Sure.
Thanks.
I'm on time, I know I am.
Back from a run?
Just resting my muscles.
Stiff joints.
You'll have to let me give you a massage some time.
Keep your cock in your pants, Callum Best. I'm not having your filthy hands all over me.
Yeah,well, don't overdo it, will you?
I'm fine.
I was going out again, actually.
Great.
Maybe you and I should run together.
36p.
What?
36p.
Ian's still not shown his face.
He could be anywhere, considering you've sacked him.
See, he's thinking you've done it because you're bored of him.
What I'm wondering is, when every bill's coming in red, why you're not paying 'em.
Look, I had to cut some overheads, that's all.
We need to talk to the bank, take out a temporary loan on the shop.
Onmyshop?
It's only temporary! Look, three months - tops.
As soon as the health centre gets started, it'll be kickbacks.
Plenty enough to pay it off.
We're talking, what - 15 grand, max.
15 grand? What the fuck have you spent all that money on?
Look, you know what I do.
It's important I project a good image of myself.
I've got to travel, for council business.
Meeting and getting to know my constituents.
It's not cheap!
I've made an appointment to see the bank manager - tomorrow.
No, not the shop.
If we're gonna borrow, we'll borrow on the house.
I've already done that.
This is to save the house.
Hey, please, Ron,
I really need you to do this for me.
Last time.
You can fuck right off!
I changed my religion for you, I looked after your kids, I looked after your mam, I even looked
the other way when you fucked my fucking staff!
And now you want my shop?
The only thing I've ever had that were mine?
You're not having anything ever again.
It's over, Kash!
You're leaving me?
No, I'm not.
You're leavingme.
You fixed it yet?
Very funny.
You're gonna have to hurry up. I need it this afternoon.
Fuck off! I'm supposed to be using it for work in case you hadn't noticed.
Hello there, Philip.
Hiya.
The name's Patrick, don't wear it out.
But you can't call me Dad just yet either.
Allow me.
In there?
Come here.
I just wanted to give you this.
A bit of a family heirloom.
That's very kind, Paddy.
Dad?
I kept that diamond up my...
The only place wherethe screws wouldn't look,
for three months inside Strangeways.
Ooh!
It's very treasured.
But as I've only one daughter, I want her to have it.
Thanks, Paddy.
Dad? Why don't you shut up, Shane?
That's the bike.
Where are they?! D'you know what you're dealin' with right now?!
Answer me! Come on!
Where are they?!
Fuck! Get yer 'ead down! And stay down, now!
Both you and I know you were on that bike!
So you can do this the easy way or the hard way!
If you've done something bad, Carl, you've gotta own up to it!
Mum, I dunno what he's talkin' about!
It were me!
Ian!
I crashed it!
Right!
You fucked ma bike up?! You little...!
Where is she?
I dunno. She were too quick for me - I couldn't keep up.
Wrong answer.
I'm not lying.
Actually, she fucked ma bike...
It's not your bike! It's not even mine! It's the pizza bike!
Shut it!
Carl, shut up!
Answer me!
Seriously, Paddy, she damaged ma stuff, so when you find her, I wouldn't mind a word.
Search the 'ouse, Dad.
No way! This is our property!
It was our property that went missin' in the first place.
He's tellin' you the truth, Dad.
You stay out of this.
I live 'ere. Don't you think I'd notice if they were nicking off yer?
He's tellin' the truth.
You'd better be.
Come on, Shane. We're outta here.
Shane!
Thanks, babe.
Don't you ever make me do anything like that again!
OK?!
Get in.
Thanks.
For what?
For standing up to Paddy.
I thought that you'd give me up.
In your place, I might have.
Took some guts.
I didn't really think about it.
Could have got your head kicked in.
Sorry.
Oh, I didn't think of that!
Shit, you reckon it's too late to put in a phone call?
Tell Paddy you're here?!
This is a lot of money.
And I wouldn't ask, it's just...
My dad spends all the social on a scratchies and,
maybe it was stupid of me,
but...when I found out he finally won,
I promised my brother I'd buy him sausages.
It's not often we can afford meat at our house.
Where to next?
Try Rusholme, there's loads you can hit round there.
How's it going?
It's fine.
Is Mandy?
Yeah, she's fine.
Right.
What are you looking at me like that for?
There's some lucky buggers around here.
20, 40...
And...
I've...
let...
everyone down.
I can no longer...
A few things got blown in the canal, but we think we got everything.
It could be a while before the body
shows up and, you know, sometimes it never does.
Even then, you might not recognise...
What's going on?
It's Kash. He's taken his own life.
There was a note.
Fucking coward! He's left me in loads of debt.
Well, we'll leave you to it, Yvonne, OK?
OK.
Come down the station later and we'll have your forms to sign.
Thank you.
I don't believe this.
Tragic, in't it?
I can no longer...
face...
the embarrassment...
Shame...
The family are never going to believe this, you know that, Von?
The shit you've left behind, Kash, they're gonna want to believe it.
Tuck me right into the Muslim bosom, because I'm keeping them.
Family, kids and the faith and the shop.
You'd better hurry if you're going to make that 3:15pm at Sheffield.
He has fucked with us once too often.
We've got the money.
Are you still up for Birmingham?
Look...
..I'm not a bastard...
I was sort of assuming that.
Not like...
Well, I'm not...
I'm gay.
I'm sorry. I should've told you.
Brew?
I'm gay.
Is that it?
Do you want me to go into a fit or something?
I fuck blokes.
You're the only woman I've ever slept with.
I'm...
Gay?
So what? I've had it off with girls.
Why put yourself in a box?
We made each other come, no-one died.
I knew you were a virgin!
No, you didn't.
How?
I'm not sure.
Well, what did I do wrong?
Could've turned it up a couple of notches.
I'll show you mine, again...
G, A, Y.
So you S, A, Y.
I know you fancy me.
Try it again?
Why cut things out?
There's a world of possibilities, especially in Birmingham, so I hear.
Don't try and bum me though, the Maguires might hear me screams!
Kenny touched many lives in many different ways.
It's so nice to have people whose lives he touched with us today.
By webcam from Chatsworth, England,
we welcome Kenny's sister, Mimi and family.
And here, in Rafferty's Creek, the two Petes.
Bruce, Little Jo and,
of course, Ritchie.
In fact, they were all with Kenny at his birthday barbecue....
I just don't see why I've got to wear this monkey suit.
That suit did me for four trials and 15 funerals and a wedding as a boy.
You look a fine young man in it, son. Doesn't he, Mimi?
It's too tight, it doesn't even fit me properly.
You'd better be wearing underpants.
Ah...
...and not the coffin.
So any of you that have a few words to say about Kenny, say 'em now.
Why don't you say a few words, love?
Any friends.
We could put a phone call in.
Any acquaintance.
Anyone from Chatsworth. Anyone at all.
I'm sure they'd like something.
No takers.
In sure and certain hope of the resurrection...
How long you gonna keep this up?
Because I'm not sure I can take this much longer.
...our brother, Kenny.
And we commit his body to the ground.
Earth to earth, ashes to ashes...
And lo,
as the child slept...
there came three kings from the East...
bearing...
..gifts.
MUSIC PLAYS
Come on, everyone!
Lovely firm buttocks.
He'll do anything I ask.
Close one eye, could be David Beckham.
Keep the change, pet.
She's taking me to Gran Canaria at the end of the month, aren't ya?
Yeah!
Who's paying for that, then?
357 hits I had, but I chose you, didn't I, Bradford?
Ooh!
Lucky man.
She spoils me.
Travel agents this afternoon?
Well, maybe. I find it really hard to think money matters through,
cos I have migraine, you see. But, if we lie down together we could...
discuss it!
Right you are.
I want what she's having.
A pint and two Es, Karen, please.
Money first, Frank.
Ah.
Job done.
That's a scratchcard, Frank.
Correction, that is a winning scratchcard. 20 quid.
Oh, fuck off, Frank.
It's legal tender!
So go and cash it, come back and I'll serve yer.
Fucking Pol Pot behind the bar.
# Do I see you... #
Oh!
Where'd you get the scratchcard, Frank?
You dirty bastard!
Not the face, anything but...!
Where did you get the fucking scratchcard!
Liam!
I wasn't gonna, you know, steal it off... I'm not going to steal it
of little Liam, am I now? You can have it back!
Look, Paddy, I'm going to do it, OK?
I just need time to do it right.
There's a slightly more pressing matter needs discussion first.
That's a whole lap of the estate you've fallen behind now.
Aah! Aah!
You all right?
Pervert!
You've pulled a hamstring.
I'll be fine.
I just need to run it off.
Aaah! Let me go! Let me go!
You don't half kick up a fuss, you.
Let me go right now, or I'll grab you in the bollocks!
You're injured.
This is the last time, bozo.
Let me go right now!
Fine.
Frank here tells me there's a pile of scratchcards in your house.
Bollocks. What you on about?
Liam...scratchcards.
Scratchcard. There may only have just been the one.
You said there were fucking loads.
Shut up, the pair of yous.
Does Mandy know?
Course she doesn't.
So you lied to my daughter as well as me?
Let's get this straight. I don't give a shit about
these missing scratchcards. That's Shane's worry.
This is about the lack of respect you're showing me,
your family.
I want the girl.
Your brother will be fine. But you bring her to me. Understand?
Yeah.
Right.
Shall I leave you to it?
Stay there.
Sit down.
Paddy knows you're here.
What?!
Fucking hell. I didn't know you had it in you.
Piss off!
You have to go that way.
The Maguires live that way!
Yes, but they're waiting in the yard.
but you've got to get out of here.
I'll sort some transport out.
Get the bag!
I will do. Go on.
You know what? I didn't like that job anyway.
Birmingham, here we come!
Too late, Paddy. She's gone.
To think I wanted you in my family!
Think he deserves his pound of flesh, don't you?
Don't you touch him.
Your boyfriend has been keeping one or two things secret from you.
No, he hasn't.
That's another fucking lie he's been telling me!
Shane's a bully, so people steal from him. It's his own fault.
You hit Lip and you're hitting me and I'll never speak to you again.
Really?
You can forget me and forget Katie. I'll be dead to you. Understand?
Noooo! Stop! That's the third bad thing.
You spoke. She spoke!
She said she'd be dead to us.
I thought you couldn't fucking speak.
I've broken the curse.
I've saved Mandy!
You heard what she said. Don't touch him.
Oh, my darling!
As if I'd do anything to hurt you!
No pressure, Ian, but there's psychos coming to jump on my head.
I don't know what to do.
I can see how we fit.
We do!
But I can't imagine a future. This isn't real.
It can be.
You know when a bloke goes past and you check out his arse?
I don't care.
You do! You will!
I don't want to go on my own.
I know.
Things happen around me.
You'll never get bored.
Don't go for a man who prefers men.
It's really fucking demeaning.
You should have someone who worships you.
"Worships"?That is gay.
Someone who wants you, then.
You want me.
Not enough.
No?
Doesn't look like we've got the balls, does it?
Or the heart.
That's the clincher.
Yeah.
What, Liam gets some and I get nothing? >
Yeah, Liam did some of the scratching.
Did anyone order pizza?
Nobody ordered pizza.
This is a social call, isn't it, Carl?
Where's the fucking bike?
Shit!
You liked it,
but you're still a bender?
Yeah, but are you?
Yeah, course I am.
It's not like I've got a choice.
You liked it, didn't you?
Yeah.
What's that?
Maguire family heirloom.
Jeez, where'd you find that?
Paddy give it us. Wanted me to give it to Mandy.
Fuck! >
You gonna?
Don't know.
Thought I would.
But now I don't have to, I'm not sure!
So did you go down on her, Mr Pussy Hound?!
What's that got to do with anything?
Well, did you?
No.
Yes!I knew it!
You can get off but you can't get on. You're a total gayer!
Well, that's what I've been saying!
'Knowing how ignorant you are is the first step on the path to wisdom.
'I thought the cock was the ruling organ - convinced. And wrong.'
See where that went?
What?
Paddy's ring.
Fuck!
'It's the heart calls the shots, and it's a nutjob.
'Oh, Christ, then there's the brain.
'Here's a thought: all those straight men I've had sex with.
'You tell me what that's about.
'I have no fucking idea.'
www.addic7ed.com
You lying bitch!