I'm raising five kids and I didn't miss last week.
What's your excuse?
-Carl! -Mickey's gay, and we're doing it.
I need to see you. And Kash shot Mickey because of me.
KASH: Put the candy back.
IAN: But Mickey would rather go to juvie than admit he's gay.
Mickey's out soon?
In a week. If he doesn't stab anybody else.
-I miss you. -Say that again, I rip your tongue out.
-What the hell is this? -It's an admissions packet.
For West Point?
I'm off for my walk. I might even make it to the mailbox.
One hundred!
VERONICA: How was last night with Jasmine and Grandpa?
FIONA: He's married, she's married. Seems like it works for everybody.
David has a friend coming in from New York. Maybe I could hook you two up.
Liam had me up half the night banging his head.
-I need my own room. -And I want a pony for Christmas.
FRANK: What you doing here? -Came to see Karen.
FRANK: She went with a guy to her group.
-What group? FRANK: Sex Addicts Anonymous.
JODY: You Lip?
JodY-
Ninety—nine, 200...
...201, 202, 203.
Hi, Manny.
Hi, Theresa.
SHEILA: Frank!
Wake up!
Frank, come on, I have something wonderful to tell you.
Hurry. I've had an epiphany.
Do you know what this is?
Eggplant?
Liberation.
No, no, no.
Rebirth.
-Not with all the king's Vaseline. -Freedom.
-That won't fit. -Frank--
MAN: Fuck you, Gallagher!
I made it all the way to Manny's produce truck today.
Two hundred and fourteen steps.
I went to just do my extra 10 steps and then I saw the eggplant...
...and the rows of beets, and the organic squash...
...and ljust kept going.
Manny's pushing organic now?
-This is just the start. -The scourge of gentrification.
Next he'll be hawking that coffee grown in cat shit.
Frank, I am shopping.
I am part of the economy.
I am myself again. Here we go.
Today, a grocery truck.
Tomorrow, the world.
It's over.
I always thought agoraphobia was permanent like autism or AIDS.
She'll be out in the world, she'll go back to work, she'll learn the truth.
KEVIN: You're an alcoholic? -Who owes money to everyone?
-Who's had sex with her daughter? -It's not sex if you can't remember it.
-Ha, ha. Then you're a virgin, Frank. -I'm gonna be out on my butt in weeks.
Why don't you live at home with your family?
I don't like them. And they don't like me.
Frank squatted at my place for six months.
I finally bought tear gas. Smoked him out.
I gave myself crabs to get him out.
—It wasn't the crabs, it was your empty fridge. TOMMY: Ha, ha, ha.
Laugh, laugh. If laughing at me is good for your self-worth, laugh on.
My gift.
ANTOINE: Kev. -Yo, Antoine.
Hurt me with some rum.
Delivering meals on drunk wheels again?
-Only one delivery left. -Go do it and come back.
My last delivery is to Dottie Coronis.
-I can walk there from here. -What's wrong with Butterface?
-Don't call her that. KEVIN: I haven't seen her in a while.
-Why is she pretending to be sick? -She's hiding her face till Halloween.
God gave her one hell of a rack and legs to die for though.
MEN: But her face....
[MEN LAUGHING]
-You're all going to hell. -What's wrong with Butterface?
She had chronic indigestion.
From her steady diet of bourbon and dick.
She got it checked.
Discovered she had a bunch of heart attacks.
Her heart muscle is toast.
Months to live unless she gets a new one.
Shit. All those years of paying into a city pension...
...and no one left to collect.
Frank.
Liam, if you want a popsicle, show me your hands.
Liam, hands off your package or no treat.
Touching it is his treat.
I need my own room, without Liam.
I'm late for work. Carl, quit it.
I can't share a room with someone in a constant state of arousal.
-I'm gonna be a woman soon. FIONA: Hey. Enough.
Frank's been gone for months. You move into Frank's room...
...Lip takes yours, Ian and Carl share with Liam.
Frank will be back. In bed by midnight. No exceptions.
MANDY: Here he comes. You didn't have to come with me.
IAN: Bad neighborhood. -We live in a bad neighborhood.
IAN: But we're related to the bad people in our neighborhood.
MICKEY: What the hell's he doing here? IAN: Hey.
He thought I needed protection.
Oh, yeah? You may think you know my sister.
But you don't know my sister till you've fought my sister.
-She's protecting your ass. -You smell like barbecue sauce.
MICKEY: Smell like what? -What did Dad tell you?
MICKEY: Ow! Fuck the police? -No titty twisters now that I'm a C cup.
MICKEY: C cup? Bitch, you wish.
Hey. Fuck you, fuck you, and especially fuck you.
IAN: All right. Jesus. Let's get out of here before they throw you back in.
[KNOCKING]
DOTTIE: Who the hell is it?
FRANK: It's Frank Gallagher, Dottie.
DOTTIE: Get off my property. -I brought your pasta primavera.
Eat shit, Frank.
Well, I would, but I recently went vegan.
[DOTTIE LAUGHING]
[DOTTIE COUGHING]
Honestly, Dottie, Antoine told us your news.
I've had some health setbacks myself.
Wanted to tell you the crew at the bar's thinking of you.
Thought I'd bring your dinner over, tell you in person.
-No lasagna left? -I grabbed the last one he had.
Enjoying your night?
I'm watching one of those "fat people hate themselves for being fat" shows.
Makes me feel healthy.
I love that show. I hate fat people.
[CAR DOOR LOCK CHIRPING]
Did you hear a beep?
Guy locking his car.
Look, I'm missing my show.
You mind if I join you?
I haven't showered, and I'm not gonna.
FRANK: Makes two of us.
And it's not an invitation to stay.
Couch. Fat-people show. Leave.
-I'm not a bed and breakfast. -Roger that.
There you go.
[PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] Igot the fashion that you want a piece of
-Oh, yeah -So full of passion and so full of love
Excuse me.
I'll make you want a piece of me Again and again
I loved that last song.
-I could be bad, but I could also be nice -Oh, yeah
This is the high life This is the fame
Okay, either he doesn't have a dick, or the dick he does have does not function.
Or the five girls a night who give him their number...
...give him more than their number and the man is just tired.
-Ha, ha, ha. -Desperate whore-wife's back with sugar grampy.
Can you say that with head-bobbing and that finger-snapping thing?
She's a married mother flaunting the geriatric she's sleeping with.
-He's 50. -He looks it.
And he's rich, so work that cleavage and smile.
-Hey, Veronica. -Hi, baby.
-Hi, David. VERONICA: Hello, David. Looking sharp.
Jazz says I'm springing for Cristal or I'm going home alone.
We don't want you to be lonely, do we?
Handsome man like this? No ma'am.
JASMINE: Ooh. -Ah, yes.
[LAUGHS]
MICKEY: Hot as balls tonight.
IAN: So I'm taking Geometry, Algebra 2, Trigonometry, Chemistry.
MICKEY: During the summer?
IAN: Well, I'm trying to get into West Point.
MICKEY: Heh. You want the Army to give you a gun, all you gotta do is enlist.
Recruiting station's, like, two blocks that way.
IAN: But I wanna be an officer.
MICKEY: You wanna be an officer, huh?
Don't officers get shot first?
Here. Shotgun.
[COUGHING]
You make a lot of friends on the inside?
You wanna chit-chat more or you wanna get on me?
Plasma?
LED. Shh.
MAN [ON TV]: Isaw this footage my daughter shot of me and I broke down.
FRANK: Nice picture.
-Vibrant. -Can I watch my program, please?
And sit in the chair. I don't want you stretching out on the couch...
...and Rip van Winkling it for the next five years.
MAN: I have taken what used to be a nice, normal body and I have stretched it....
[BEEPING]
Did you hear a beep?
The smoke—alarm battery is dying.
If they find a heart, they're supposed to beep me on this thing.
It means I go straight to the hospital.
They gotta find different sounds for different things. Everything beeps.
Smoke alarms, hearing aids, microwaves, cell phones.
I'm gonna have a heart attack waiting for my transplant.
You got a nine-volt battery? I can change that for you.
In the junk drawer, under the microwave.
-Frank? -Antoine.
I borrowed your keys so I could help.
I went to White Castle and bought this, I thought she'd be starving by now.
She's not. Thank you.
Frank?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
I need a lover
Uh-huh
I need a man, a fucking man
JASMINE: Whoo! -Huh!
[JASMINE LAUGHING]
Sorry. Two mudslides and a line of blow, I get grabby.
David's doing a rail. Want some?
FIONA: Can't. -Can.
You gotta slow down on the work and enjoy the summer.
I'll keep that in mind when I'm feeding my family dog food in January.
David's friend Richard is coming to town tomorrow.
Meet him.
We'll make them take us out on the town.
Instead of worrying about making money, we'll spend theirs.
-Not into married guys. -I never said he was married.
Meet him.
Before you know it, shit will start sagging, leg veins will pop up...
...and you won't be able to screw without handfuls of Astroglide.
I'm 21.
Doesn't make you a kept woman, makes you a smart one.
Who wants to move this party back to my pied-a-terre?
Me. You. Fiona?
Uh, another time.
-You ask about Richard? -She's thinking about it.
Come on, I need an accomplice.
Plus, when I tell Hal we're going out for a girl's night, I won't be lying. Heh, heh, heh.
Bye.
[JASMINE LAUGHING]
[COOINGI
Liam.
MICKEY: Ah....
Always wanted to do that here!
[CHUCKLES]
Get back at that commissioner who kicked me off my baseball team...
-...for pissing on first base. -I remember.
MICKEY: You heard about that?
I was playing second.
MICKEY: Fucking tough guy, huh?
Not much to do in the joint but work out.
-You could read. -Fuck off.
I'm fucked for life anyway, man.
Wanna sneak into the Sox game tomorrow?
No, man. I gotta get me a job. If I don't get one in two weeks...
...my probation skank's gonna do it for me.
And I'm gonna end up losing a limb at the meat-packing plant.
-Maybe she'll find something better. -She ain't gonna find fuck all.
My dad had to threaten this mook he knows to get me a job tarring roofs.
Maybe you could head to Malcolm X, take some vocational training.
Why the fuck are we talking about community college right now?
You wanna spread a blanket out and look for shooting stars next?
[MICKEY BURPS]
I could talk to Linda.
I'm sorry, you want me to work at the place I got shot?
Redemption tale.
-What would I be doing? -Helping.
-I ain't cleaning up after people. -It's a pretty clean store, Mickey.
What about security? You know, scaring people like me...
...who come into the store trying to steal.
Stea|ing's been down since your shooting.
Do whatever you want, man. You brought it up.
All right.
You ready to go again or you need some time, fire crotch?
[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE]
-How's Jody? -He's good.
As good as me?
—We're still not having sex. -Right, because his name's Jody.
-Heh. -Is that a real name or a nickname?
You know, isn't it kind of creepy that a guy who's twice your age...
...keeps hanging around you but hasn't tried to get in your pants yet?
KAREN: Ah. -You two getting serious?
Stop talking about my boyfriend and fuck me.
Smoke alarm working, fan back up to speed. What now?
I could give you some rope to hang yourself from it.
-Or you could just leave. -How's your daughter?
-Same. -Any complications from that skin graft?
Haven't talked since she moved to Sweden.
-What the hell's she doing in Sweden? -Avoiding me.
-I'm off to bed. -Bed?
|t's11.
-We used to close the Alibi every night. -We used to do lots of things.
Anything else I can do for you?
What's the deal, Frank?
What, did Sheila Jackson finally throw you out?
Just offering my services.
Stalking up on your corporal works of mercy.
One friend helping out another.
The upstairs bathroom's clogged pretty bad.
I could lie and say it was roots growing in the pipes, but it's all me.
And a half dozen of those adult wipes.
I never used those wipes myself. Thought they were an extravagance.
Little did I know how nice it feels to polish things up down there.
Let yourself out.
There's nothing worth stealing you can carry.
Mother of God.
Jesus.
[FLUSH]
Shit. Shit.
Oh, fuck.
Wanna go to a rave up in Lake Forest this weekend?
If I hated myself.
Jody knows a guy, Henry Woodhouse, who can send out a tweet...
...and get over a thousand people to show anywhere in less than two hours.
Like a flash mob, but more fun.
Excepting the fact that it's in Lake Forest...
...and Lake Forest kids are there.
You wanna do something tomorrow night?
Probably watching I/l/lpeout with Jody. He loves that show.
People running around, wiping out. Big balls. It's hilarious. Ha, ha.
We make popcorn and laugh.
Yeah, it sounds like a crazy summer night.
We're keeping each other company trying to avoid familiar patterns.
Mm-hm. And, um, how do you characterize this?
Helps me sleep.
Text me when he leaves, all right?
You sleeping here now?
No, just leaving actually.
Good to see you, son.
GFY, Dad.
Shit.
[WOMAN SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
FIONA: Wha--?
Who the hell are you?
I rent room. Frank give me key.
Have baby.
Got time for my legs? Gotta drive old people around all day.
-Too hot out for stubbly legs. -Old people excursion day? Yay.
Do me a favor and kill me ifl start losing my mind when I'm old.
KEVIN: Will do. -In my community...
...if one of the elders felt they were too much of a burden...
...they would wander out into the snow and give themselves to the elements.
KEVIN: You come from twisted stock.
VERONICA: Alrighty, I'm all lathered.
Have at it.
Jody has hair longer than Fiona's and a motorcycle with a luggage compartment.
Test me on the theorems.
-|fA equals B, then B equals A. -Symmetric.
He might as well get a windshield and call it a car.
-A equals A IAN: Reflexive.
-Maybe it's a phase. -She hasn't even slept with him yet.
DEBBIE: Come, honey. IAN: What's next?
-Maybe he's a eunuch. -Maybe she just likes him.
FIONA: Lip, why are you sleeping in my bed?
-Ask her. DEBBIE: I moved Liam.
I can't be in the same room where Liam is constantly masturbating.
It's not masturbating if nothing comes out.
FIONA: According to whom?
-My friend Jack O'Donnell. -Not true.
-It's kind of true. -Not legally true.
-Liam can be arrested for masturbating? -No. Listen up--
What is the age where it's inappropriate to arouse yourself in front of others...
-...even if nothing comes out? -Two years old.
Hey, Gallaghers. I need focus and cooperation.
Unfortunately, Frank has rented out his room to a pregnant woman.
-I told them. -You let her in last night?
She let herself in. She has a key.
Besides she's from China. They kill extra babies there.
-Liam needs to go back in with you. -No.
-Debbie-- -What's done is done.
[LIAM CRYING]
FIONA: Okay.
-For now, Liam's in the boys room. -What?
-Four guy in one room? -Isn't that a health violation?
I'll find Frank and figure this out. Until then, four in the room.
[WOMAN COUGHING]
Five hundred. Five hundred.
Frank. Frank.
It's 500 more steps.
Five hundred more steps, sweetie, and I get to the L.
Honey, and I can maybe get my job back at St. Stephen's cafeteria.
Sweetie, and go off disability. Frank, isn't that exciting?
-Do you wanna walk with me today? -Gotta work.
-Those are Eddie's tools. -Yes, they are.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello. Oh, hi, Fiona. He's right here.
-It's Fiona. -What now?
Somebody just dropped off $200 for you.
-Said he owed you and thanks. -Who?
-Unshaven, flannel shirt, cauliflower ear. -What happened?
-Tommy Armada? -I'm leaving 50 for you...
-...but I'm buying groceries with the rest. -That is my money, Fiona!
IAN: Bravo.
Give him hell, sis. We're off to work.
Sheila, when I'm talking on the phone, I can only talk to one person at a time.
We've talked about this. Whispering doesn't help.
The rush is starting.
-Ever eat a dog? -Where Frank?
Chocolate-covered sparrow?
FRANK: Where's the money? -Ask Kung Fu Panda.
-You tricked me? -You gave somebody a key?
-Are we gonna get bird flu? FIONA: No. Go watch the kids.
FRANK: INS raided her maternity hideout.
I was clearing my stomach outside the Alibi.
-I found her huddled by the dumpster. -So you dumped her on us?
We're giving her a home till the baby is born American.
-How much she paying you? -Democracy is built one baby at a time.
I'm calling INS. Give me what's left of the money.
This is a human rights issue.
Chicago. Immigration and Nationalization Service, please.
-"Natura|ization." -Naturalization.
Ninety bucks a week.
For bed, rice and tea.
You know, historically, ifl double your lie, I get the truth.
So she's already given you 180?
A little over 200.
Why always the deception stutter-step before the truth?
Because it extends our quality father-daughter time.
-Give me what's left. -Let immigration do its job.
-You spent all of it. -Wrong. Wrong.
-Seventeen dollars? -And change.
Please, just go.
Leave and go do whatever it is you do that doesn't require you being here.
People are in and out of here like it's a whorehouse.
-I didn't think you'd notice. -I notice that you're here.
And the only reason why is that you thought money came.
You know what goes on when you're not here? Life.
FIONA: You can stay until the baby's born, but you're helping with the daycare.
-Get in the kitchen and fill sippy cups. -No English.
Start filling cups with juice, or I'll have you...
...and your commie fetus deported faster than you can say Saigon.
Okay, guys, I'm going upstairs to my office.
Debs and Ethel are in charge.
Keep away from the pool, or you'll drown.
-Any spare rooms at Sheila's? -No.
We gonna have a brother that looks like Jet Li?
I didn't knock that woman up.
I am giving her sanctuary in a hostile country.
Your sister doesn't get that.
I don't like the way she talks to me in my home.
You just gotta laugh it off.
I don't need platitudes from an 8-year-old.
I'm 10.
Well, if you wanna make it to 11, don't tell me what to find funny.
And every day you wake up breathing...
...you should be coloring me a note of gratitude...
...that the half of you that came from me...
...wasn't spooged on your mother's neck, but guided by yours truly...
...to get up inside of her to start the life of you.
So walk and talk with gratitude, son.
[CHUCKLES]
I was just kidding.
Funny, huh? Laugh it off.
Fifteen minutes, Joe. It's excursion day.
Fifteen minutes.
Van leaves in 15.
Excursion day.
Fifteen minutes.
Excursion day. Excursion day. Fifteen minutes.
Whoa, a little heads—up, guys.
-Fifteen minutes, Ms. Clare. -Where we going?
Some driving, some appointments, some shopping.
Ooh. Thrill a minute.
I don't make the schedule, Clare, ljust drive the van. Fifteen minutes.
Yoo-hoo.
You look ridiculous.
Thought I'd bring my tools by, last-minute tweaks.
You're tweaking my nap time. Come back in two hours.
I'm headed to the store. You got a grocery list?
-I'm all set. -How about some ice cream?
Snacks?
-What's the deal, Frank? -The new me, Dottie.
Just trying to help out, change my course, make amends.
-You in AA now? -Oh, God, no.
But I like everything about AA, except the no alcohol part.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Thanks for fixing my toilet.
Sure I can't get you some pop?
Frank, my heart muscles are decomposing as we speak.
You wanna pump up my triglycerides?
All right. All right.
I could use some Cool Ranch Doritos and some Zantac.
Like whiskey and a chaser, eh?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Get your change purses out. First stop, Dollar Tree.
So I'm bringing your drawings to the old folks tonight.
They loved your ones from last week.
But this week's assignment is anything other than rainbows.
They're sick of rainbows. And when they get sick, they die.
ETHEL: That's so pretty. What are you trying to draw?
LINDA [ON RADIO]: Ian, bring me a cheese sandwich. Cheddar with hot mustard.
IAN: You got it. -And tell Mickey...
...a packet of gum goes missing, he's gone.
And tell your buddies, I'm keeping tabs on how many cases they're moving...
-...so don't get cute. I know my Inventory. -We're taking six cases of beer, Linda.
MICKEY: You two can put that back, or I can crack your skulls on the pavement.
Can you and Sergeant Slaughter here help me out with some cases of pop?
Hey, you want me to get you some blow? Uppers, downers, Special K?
You know, thanks, Mickey, but we're keeping it old school.
You know, beer, joints, cigarettes. That kind of thing. No one under 14.
MICKEY: That's giving up a big market. LIP: Helps keep my conscience clean.
Hey, Ian. Can you have Linda order some more Rocket Pops? They're moving well.
And keep it up with those geometry theorems, all right?
-We'll hit them tomorrow. -Will do.
Geometry theorems? For the Army?
Artilleries. Mortars. Bomb trajectories. It's all geometry.
I mean, it's confusing at first, but you put in enough hours...
...study hard, you can learn anything.
FRANK: So not true.
Sometimes effort does not enhance ability.
Study if you must, but if it don't stick, move on...
...focus on something you're good at.
Put this on Dottie Coronis' account.
-We don't have accounts, Frank. -I'm just the errand boy.
I gave my last cash to Fiona.
Dottie's dying. You know where her house is.
Nineteen-oh-six.
She's in trouble. She's gonna die next week.
When that happens, take it out of her estate.
MICKEY: Hey, Frank.
Why don't you check your pockets again? Maybe you overlooked something.
-You work here now? -Trial basis.
You know what, Mick, you may be-- Look at that.
That should cover it.
Hey, have a great sabbatical from your incarceration.
That the kind of leadership you plan on bringing to the Army?
Said last night's bottom.
Whatever. Liking what I like don't make me a bitch.
HARRY: Can you turn on the AC please?
VERONICA: It's on full blast, hon. GINGER: I'm chilly.
VERONICA: CVS. I've got coupon packets. Who needs one?
Clare?
Chock-full of paper towels, thanks.
Why'd you even come if you don't wanna do any of the things we're doing?
Beats watching Judge Judy and waiting for my brain to collapse in on itself.
Shot of Maker's Mark, Kate.
You and I had a good thing once, didn't we?
-We did not. -I always liked you.
You were fun.
-What happened? -I stopped drinking.
-Why? -I kept waking up next to you.
Better hit me again.
Antoine told us what you did.
I brought a hungry, sick friend her dinner.
It is amazing how low you're willing to go.
Did you lecture Antoine about getting loaded...
...whi|e Dottie starved waiting for him?
You actually went over there?
Feed the hungry, tend to the sick. I'm walking the walk.
She's gonna die soon. What are you after?
Her home? Her pension?
I may love her.
I don't know.
Time will tell.
"And so the pizza decides to go look for his friends. The end."
BOY: That is not the truth.
Who wants a bonus story?
This is called Fiona's Thoughts: Sophomore Year, 2006.
"Flirted with Craig Heisner today. His ass looked great in his jeans.
I bet he could really pick me up and throw me around.
I thought about him doing me the rest of the day.
Craig Heisner, Craig Heisner, Craig Heisner.
Part of me wishes I saved my virginity...
...so Craig could be the one who popped my--"
Story time's over. Who wants to go outside and blow bubbles?
ALL: Me. FIONA: Okay.
DEBBIE: Come on, everybody. Get with your buddy.
-You still wanna blow Craig? FIONA: Where'd you get this?
-Under the stairs. -Why is your mattress here?
-Need a place to sleep. -You have a place to sleep.
Take it back upstairs.
And when you find something that isn't yours, keep it that way.
Carl, where are you going?
I've got some hard candies.
Some lemon and some cherry.
DENISE: My bag is almost full, Veronica.
Good, Denise. Did you get some good stuff?
No, my pee bag.
Yeah, okay. I'll change it out at the next stop.
Can't you take us to the movies or bowling or an Indian casino?
Foot clinic. Who needs help walking in?
I know you were just trying to be funny, but privacy's important.
What are you doing?
I need my own room too. Privacy's important.
Tell you what. How bought we spruce up the van for you for a week or two?
-Like camping? -Without a tent.
Awesome.
Veronica, please, couldn't we walk around the park?
They only pay me to be upbeat and on time.
Yeah, but we're stopped in traffic.
Let us touch some grass before we drop dead.
But they put out cookies at 4:00 back at the home.
I will buy you a case of cookies, Denise.
So now I'm the jerk.
Just for once let us go off schedule...
...and excursion somewhere worth excursioning to?
HARRY: It is a great day for a walk. -We could make snow angels.
-Ten minutes. CLARE: Thank you.
God loves you.
Yeah, if that were true, he'd have made me white and rich.
They were out of the Cool Ranch. I think it's the heat.
People will go anywhere for relief, huh? Heh, heh.
"Refrigerator vents need dusting and vacuuming.
Clean gutters, remove hornet's nest in garage...
...scrape windows and repaint them, remove wallpaper."
-Big list. -You can always just leave.
No, no. It's always good to have some tasks.
I brought you some bubble bath.
I know the upstairs bathroom was out of commission for a while...
...and a nice bath might be, you know, very relaxing.
Frank.
Bit early, isn't it? Nobody ever asked me to bed before 2:30 in the morning.
-Dottie. -I know everyone calls me "Butterface."
There's nothing I can do about it. Not now, anyway.
-Let me draw you a bath. -You're not getting in with me.
How is it that you and I both spent so much time at the Alibi...
...but we never hooked up?
Only good thing about being a female butterface...
...is I actually get better looking to men as the night goes on, whereas you....
Whereas I what?
Wait, am I the male butterface?
CLARE: Yay, Harry! Go, Harry, go! GINGER: Yay, Harry.
-Yay, Harry. -That Harry still has it, huh?
Oh, I like Harry.
MAN: Good shot, Harry. Way to go.
I like Bruce too.
And Tony.
HARRY: Whoo!
[KIDS LAUGHING]
KEVIN: There you go. Thank you. MAN: Thank you.
We are crushing it.
Nothing pays like hipsters, minors and the elderly.
V, start bringing those geezers every day.
-They love their sugar. -Shit, Denise needs her insulin shot.
-Love you. -Love you.
‘Bye, Lip. ‘Bye-bye.
-How much you got? KEVIN: About 50.
Hey, um—— Ahem.
If a chick, you know, she's taking it slow with a guy...
...not sleeping with him, what do you think that means?
Means you're not getting laid.
Timmy, this is your third one. That's it for today, okay?
Don't come back unless it's to buy pot.
Gotta watch out for the chicks that don't sleep with you.
You know what it means? Means they like you.
Like, ''like you" like you.
Like, ''love you" like you.
They keep, you know, holding back because they're so into you...
...but they're also waiting for you to grasp how awesome they are.
So when you do end up having sex for the first time...
...you're, you know, making love or some shit.
Oh, and the experience, because you've been waiting so long for a little action...
...that when you do have sex, it's some other-worldy, connected thing...
...which makes you think you can be in a long-haul kind of commitment.
-Two Buds and a spliff, please. -How old are you?
Fifteen. Here's four 53. Keep the change.
Raise your arms.
Come back when you grow hair on your pits.
-I shave. -Get out of here.
Chicks that hang out with you and don't sleep with you...
...run the other way, dude.
Because she's ready to stop playing and settle down.
-Thank you. -You're welcome.
All right, everyone. Party time is over. Let's go.
Let's go, let's go. Come on, Ms. Clare.
Come on, Clare. I got you.
Did you have fun? Harry, come on.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
-I knocked in two runs. -You were sensational, Tony.
-Harry. -I'm hurrying.
CLARE: Veronica, thank you. -You're welcome.
How about next week we...?
We go on one of those booze-cruise things?
On the lake at sunset.
That costs money, Clare. Money most people here don't have.
[HARRY GROANS]
[THUMPI
VERONICA: Harry?
Cal 911.
[SHOWER TURNS ON]
DOTTIE: Frank. -Roger that.
DEBBIE: Veronica? -Debbie?
I brought some artwork from the kids.
For Ginger and Harry.
-Did she--? -My grandson Paul has died.
It's, uh—— It's Harry, Debs.
CLARE: Veronica.
Sell this for me.
And then I'm taking everyone to the Indian casino.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
-Ooh. Thank you. -Mm-hm.
You went to high school with this Craig Heisner?
He's hot. You should poke him.
Fuck Facebook.
I'll poke him for you, if you want.
-What are you doing? -Sending a message.
-Don't. -Did. Sent him your number.
-What's the opposite of "thank you"? -Hey, guys.
H9)’-
-I can get laid on my own. -He's cute, huh?
—Richard. Hi. RICHARD: Hey.
-Nice to see you. JASMINE: You too.
Fiona, this is Richard, who you wanted to meet.
-Hi, Richard. -Hi.
Shall we begin with some appletinis?
I'll put the order in right now.
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
JASMINE: Oh! Ha, ha.
Wanna watch the lotto numbers?
DOTTIE: That's enough of a visit for today.
Finish the list tomorrow.
FRANK: Wait. I want you.
Frank.
-How is it that I never had this? -Stop.
Two drunken ships passing in a harbor swill hole.
We'll make up for lost time.
Frank, I can't have sex. Okay?
I'm not thrilled about it.
-The one thing I'm good at, I can't do. -We'll go slow.
—I don't know slow. -I'll teach you.
Frank, I haven't exactly lived a life of restraint.
I can't push it while I'm waiting for my transplant.
If my BP goes above 120 over 80, my heart explodes.
Don't you get it?
If we fuck, I die.
Hey, Gary. See you tomorrow. Thanks.
You had no interest in my showing up tonight, did you?
What'd she tell you?
That you saw a photo and couldn't wait to meet me.
-I saw no photo. -Well, she has no photo.
So why'd you come?
Well, my company does about $250 million worth of business...
...with David's company, and he's fond of Jasmine.
I didn't wanna be the one to upset the concubine.
How much longer do we need to keep talking...
...to make it seem like we really gave it a shot?
Two or three more minutes. Tops.
-You wanna see a photo of me now? -I'm good.
Fully decent. It's me in grade school after I lost my first tooth.
[FIONA CHUCKLES]
-The sty|e's coming back. -Did it ever arrive?
With the Iroquois. And punk rock.
So how does this arrangement work?
I dress pretty, hang on your arm, we have sex a couple times a month...
...then you give me credit cards to buy shit that I like but don't need?
I have no idea.
I'm just here because I was invited.
I don't make it a habit...
...of hanging around women that don't have any interest in being with me.
-Ho-ho-ho. You think you always know. -How does anybody know anything?
I mean, if I'm not laughing and the woman's not laughing...
...that's a good sign that's it's not working.
But if we're both smiling?
There are worse ways to spend an evening.
-You're not married? -What do you got against married guys?
-I'm not into liars. -They're not lying to you.
[CHUCKLES]
Night, Richard.
You should go get that Mohawk. Could restart the trend.
Nice to meet you, Fiona.
Fuck!
[English - US - SDH]