Last week on Shameless, this is what we were doing.
Your house is Frank's wet dream. Never gonna get him out.
EDDIE: I can't afford to live somewhere else and support you.
Can't you stay with Uncle Ray?
I want the new stock shelved with the labels facing the same direction.
-We have a whole night together. -Your house where you live with Linda.
I'm gay, dude, not queer.
Five hundred and eighty—seven dollars.
LIP: I'm taking the PSATs for some Polish kid at Ridgedale.
I told Richie your rates went up. He's giving 150.
-See you in three hours. -Be out in two.
I am going to a wedding today. I am really gonna do it this time.
You're coming, Mom?
-I'll just get you a piece of cake, Mom. —That would just be....
[MAN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO]
Brush your teeth. I wanna play.
-Smoothie. -Thanks.
Hello, Liam. Are you having fun?
Didn't Fiona tell you to stop electrocuting dolls?
They have to pay for their sins.
[FIONA AND STEVE BREATHING HEAVILY]
-You almost there? STEVE: What?
-I gotta make lunches. —Tell me more.
—We||, ﬁrst I cut off the crusts. -Uh-huh.
-Then I put the apple slices in a baggie. -Don't stop.
You look amazing.
-Hurry up. -I don't wanna go before you.
You didn't make a sound,
Big family. Thin walls.
When you consider how humans evolved...
...they were probably used to mating in public.
—A pioneer really wanted to get freaky—- -Steve.
-What? -Steve. I'm late. Focus.
FIONA: Damn it. Carl!
CARL: It's not me. Hector‘s at the pole again.
FIONA: Hector.
Hey, Hector. Is there any way you could--?
I can't this time. Third red notice this year. I'm sorry.
Not the ﬁrst time we got shut off. Won't be the last.
-Scrape the money together today? —We have it. She just forgot to pay it.
I took an extra shift yesterday and I just spaced it.
Call my cell when you pay. I'll swing back, end of the day.
Thanks, Hector.
-Arts and Leisure? —So I can read about pagan actors...
...complaining about how America sucks?
I'll stick to my steroid-riddled athletes, thank you.
So. what's the verdict?
-The banana and blueberry are spectacular. —0h.
KAREN: So good, Morn. SHEILA: Really?
So tonight we're going to go off the beaten path.
We are going to have Hungarian night.
-All right? FRANK: Hmm.
Gonna have hurka and toltott tojas and kolbasz krumpli.
Guaranteed to exit your colon at the speed of sound.
[SCOFFS]
Mom, it's Parents Night at school tonight.
Right, right. I will be there, sweetie. I've been working towards that.
That's right. I have it right on my calendar. I circled it.
I've just been-- I've just been busy, busy.
But I will be there.
Dad, will you join us at Parents Night tonight?
Me?
Not you, fuckface. I was talking to Daddy Frank.
Daddy Frank, will you come?
Oh, no, no, ladies. I don't do school.
We all have our phobias and school is mine.
All of it.
Textbooks full of falsehoods, teachers unions full of thugs...
...and tenured imbeciles who still use words like "irregardless."
Not for me. However, the crepes, merci.
Uh, regarding dinner, why not just move it up?
Do the Hungarian thing at 5? What do you say?
Well, think it over. Whatever. I'll be back before 5. I got a meeting.
Karen, sweetie, I'm gonna be there. Okay?
I have a session today.
I'm gonna have a breakthrough, I can see it.
[EDDIE SNICKERS]
Keep laughing and I will slit your throat while you sleep.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
DEBBIE: I'm coming.
-Warren. —Debbie.
-Lip upstairs? -Yeah.
FIONA: Carl, eat, don't organize. Okay? They all end up in the same place.
-Who was at the door? DEBBIE: Warren for Lip.
FIONA: Don't worry about the ketchup, just the milk and meat so it won't spoil.
Enough hot water for at least one more shower.
Did Carl blow up the neighborhood again?
-No, I forgot to pay the bill. —Hey, happens to the best of us.
—Not to me, okay? I'm not like this. -Like what?
-Distracted. -Yeah, by what?
Well, you're the only new thing in the mix.
Wait, am I actually distracting Fiona Gallagher? Really?
I-- Hey, I will make a coffee run after I ﬁnish.
-Fine. -Okay?
Time for school, okay? Lip, feet on the ﬂoor.
Lip?
-Warren. -Where's my paper’!
Where's my money?
-I got it. -Okay.
I wanna see it.
-Thirty-ﬁve, right? -No. 50.
[SPEAKING IN KOREAN]
Stop speaking fake Korean, Warren.
I never said 35.
Not for the paper I wrote you last month.
Not for the paper I wrote you last semester. Not for this.
All right? It's 50.
Can you do 36?
-No. —Thiny-eight?
Oh, Warren, once again proving that Koreans are the Asian Jews.
That's racist.
No, facts cannot be racist.
Many Irish are drunks, many French smell, most Chinese hate children.
That's why they sell them to Americans.
Now, the fact here is that you, the one Korean I know...
...made a deal of 50 bucks for an original essay...
...about The Great Goddamn Gatsby...
...yet, once again, you're trying to get me to lower my agreed-upon price.
Okay? So I want you to give me 50...
-...or GFY. -GFY?
Go fuck yourself.
LINDA: You're short again. —What?
Inventory, gone, out the door without being paid for.
Soup, beer, chips, cigarettes, Iollipops, salt.
People are stealing salt, Kash. What the hell?
Kids, why don't you go get some juice?
Boys, stay right where you are. You need to hear this.
Other than genetic markers for heart disease and bad teeth...
...this dump is the sum total of what we're leaving you.
The shoplifting is out of hand.
Three hundred and twenty dollars in one week?
This is not a food bank.
What are you doing when all this thievery is taking place?
You playing "Brick Breaker" on your phone?
Do I need to get the security cameras ﬁxed?
Because that's a $2500 bill we cannot afford.
Do me a favor while I take the kids to school: Grow a pair.
Come on, boys. You guys have your lunches?
[MAN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO]
[CLEARS THROAT]
[ROBERT GRUNTS]
[MAN GRUNTS]
-Sure this is it? —Yeah. Can I please go now?
When the kids leave.
Oh, Liam, we gotta get you onto this potty.
We can take some of the money we spend on diapers...
...and we can buy you candy and cars.
Don't you like candy and cars?
Ah, rewards for shitting. The good old days.
-Hey, let me help. -Okay, cool.
When Liam starts holding his breath and squinting, put him on this.
The power bill.
-I'm almost living here. -No, you're not.
Lip gave me enough for it yesterday.
I picked up a shift and forgot to walk it to the payment center.
Four hundred and thirty bucks? Lip's ﬂush this month.
-It's SAT season. —He's always ﬂush during SAT season.
-SAT? -College tests.
-He tutors? -Uh, no, takes.
[FIONA GRUNTS]
Okay, go play with your cars.
-Oh, hey, I got another lead for you. LIP: Set it up, douche.
I'm taking it for someone else today, but, uh, there's another session in two weeks.
-All right. -Don't take the phone today.
-Ineedit —Ineedit
-For what? —CoId calling for babysitting gigs.
I sound more mature on the phone.
I'm using the phone today. Go. You're gonna be late.
STEVE: I'll give you guys a ride.
[GRUNTS]
IAN: Thank you.
CARL: Teacher told me to give this to you.
-What did you do? CARL: Nothing.
This is from last Friday. It's Wednesday. Carl.
-What did he do? —Nothing.
Hey, bat stays here.
Why do we keep having this conversation?
-Because you never take the money. -Because I don't need it.
Don't you have someplace to be?
VLAD: Catholics. Look at them all.
They replicate like rabbits.
But, you know, if the pope ever approves of condoms, I get baptized.
A lot I like about the Catholic Mass.
[ooo BARKING]
Good to know.
Let's get this over with.
[ROBERT GRUNTS]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
[DOOR OPENS]
FIONA: Who forgot what?
ROBERT: Frank forgot to pay.
Get out of my house.
Deadbolt your door. Dangerous neighborhood.
Frank doesn't live here anymore.
Just because he don't live here doesn't mean you don't know where he lives.
Put the bat down, pick up the phone and tell him to get us the 6 grand he owes.
-What? -Or bring back the car.
Or we'll come back and use the bat on you.
[noon CLOSES]
KAREN: It's a buck 50 up-front.
When you get your SAT results back and see how great Lip did...
...it's another buck 50.
-And we do this today? -No.
Today's session is booked. Three weeks.
So I sit next to you while you take the test?
IAN: No. He's pretending to be you.
You can't be there.
Why would they think you're me?
I'll have an ID that says that I am you.
But what if they ask me for my ID?
I'm going to make a fake ID.
But I'm tall.
Yeah, that's a chance we'rejust gonna have to take.
Yeah.
Saturday night. What time can I pick you up?
-Seven. -Done, heh.
You're dating Oompa now?
He doesn't talk. It's fun.
Come in.
I need a breakthrough, Malaya. Parents Night.
-Oh, very important. —My daughter, Karen.
We've met.
-I'm a little geared up. -I understand. It's good.
Children need to know their parents care about their education.
ltell my son:
"Finish eighth grade and we'll talk about you working in construction."
Not that I couldn't use the extra paycheck now.
Oh, right.
okay-
I'm ready.
Jesus, Frank, two assholes busted into our house looking for you and some car.
-They follow you here? -Where is it?
I was invited to participate in a business venture.
-What did you do with the money? —I wasn't given any money up front.
I was simply promised that money would be shared with me...
...once an insurance claim was settled.
Has that promise been delivered upon? No. No, it has not.
-I warned you. -You knew about this and didn't tell me?
I don't call you every time Frank has a bad idea.
I'll talk to them.
And say what? "Sorry I forgot to light the car on ﬁre."
I was not doing the igniting.
I was just doing the park in a remote location.
Unfortunately I had to make a pit stop and when I got back, the car was gone.
You're gonna take care of this now.
Could go to Jersey, stay with your Great UncIe—-
No, you're staying here. You're gonna take care of this car.
You're gonna be here to take care of Carl.
He needs you to show up at Parents Night to discuss behavioral problems.
[GROANS]
[SCREAMS]
[GIRL SCREAMS]
CARL: I'm watering the plants.
Ow! Ow! Owl
-They sound like solutions, not problems. -The school disagrees.
He's a boy. This is what boys do.
When I was growing up, Joe Palazzo bit off a kid's ﬁnger.
Oh, that's gotta be bullshit.
Sister Irmalita picked up the nub and wrapped it in Kleenex.
She always kept her snot rag stuffed in her sleeve.
-They're threatening to expel him. -Well, go talk them out of it.
They want a parent. A real parent.
I guess you're off the hook, Frank.
[ALL LAUGH]
I have never been threatened by teachers and I am not going to start now.
I am fed up with these pan-gender hermaphrodites...
...who hate that human beings are a species with two distinct genders.
It's like they've declared war on testicles.
They wanna remove all the masculinity from the schools...
...fill the world with yogurt-eaters.
Well, do your research.
We're all descendents of barbarians and the sooner we face it...
...the sooner we'll have a civilization worth celebrating.
So hell, no, I won't go, because no one scares Frank Gallagher.
[DOOR OPENS]
HGYA
Frank!
[GRUNTS]
[PANTING]
Can you pretend to be Frank tonight?
Sorry, Fi. I'm working.
Why can't you do it?
Say you had Carl when you were like 14 or something. You could pass for 23.
No? Heh.
How about Kenny?
I'm trying to keep Carl out of a foster home...
...not give them a reason to put him in one.
Frank will show up for Carl.
I know you think he won't.
But deep down, I think Frank is capable of doing the right thing.
VLAD: Frank!
FRANK: Hey, give me the board.
-Give me the board. KID: Hey!
KID: Hey, give it back. VLAD: Frank, stop! Frank!
Whoa!
God! My-— My hammY»
[LAUGHS]
You losers.
I'm ready.
You know what I'm thinking? Indian.
So let's go get some curry.
Excellent.
And now how about we go ﬁnd some fresh chicken?
Ooh, yes, a yummy tikka masala, tsk.
You're doing great, Sheila.
Thank you. You know, I feel terriﬁc.
It's really-- It's really kind of nice to be out and about.
Do you see any fellow shoppers?
Oh, yes.
Hi.
Good, Sheila, good.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, that wasn't so bad.
Okay, now, this one's coming a little bit close.
Well, sometimes when we're out and about...
Mm—hm.
...peopIe shop for the same things...
SHEILA: Uh-huh.
...and they enter our space for a moment.
-Yes, that's happening. -Say "hello" to her.
Hello.
Oh, that wasn't so bad, ha ha.
That wasn't so bad at all. She seemed really nice.
Okay, so—- Oh, God. Wait.
Time to check out and head outside.
No, no, no, we just started.
And I still need vanilla and raisins and peaches.
I need to get some peaches.
-No peaches in Indian food. -Yes.
-No, there's peaches. —Concentrate.
Oh, God.
Oh.
No, no, no, I can't do it, I can't. Stop it. Make it stop.
[sesame]
No.
[WHIMPERS]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Sorry I threw you out this morning.
I love a woman that knows what she wants.
Yeah, I want to be someone else today.
-How's work? -Backbreaking.
Can I swing by and take you to lunch?
Ilove that there's a world where people go out to lunch.
[CAR ALARM WAILS]
WOMAN: Next.
Carl's in trouble at school. Parents Night's tonight.
And they want Frank to show up, but he says he won't...
...so I gotta ﬁx it before nobody shows and he gets bounced.
Sounds fun.
I'll text you later?
Make it dirty.
So you guys going to the parent-teacher conference?
-No, ha-ha-ha. -Need a parent for that, don't you?
Hey, Louise got an A on the paper you wrote for her English class.
-How do you keep doing that? -Well...
...to master the art of the book report...
...you just take any novel, no matter when it was written...
...and you argue that the main character is a latent homosexual.
No, seriously, seriously.
Now, most English teachers are either gay and agree...
...or they're straight, but too scared to disagree and get labeled as intolerant.
[LAUGHS]
Hmm.
DOUBLE F: Eighteen seventy! -All right.
-Thanks, man. Appreciate it. -Perfect for the Big Ten.
-Happy to help. -You more than helped.
Now I'll deﬁnitely be a beer swilling, rooﬁe slipping, Fighting Illini next year.
-All right? -All right.
Awesome.
What happened, Tire? Not satisﬁed with your results?
Haven't come back yet.
Any day now.
-I better not look stupid. -Impossible.
Hey, listen, there's one last testing session this year, so tell your friends.
Don't tell me what to do.
Why do we help people we hate?
I believe we're just taking our cue from American foreign policy.
[CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS]
[PANTING]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Hello? Hello? FRANK: It's Frank.
Frank?
[WHIMPERS]
-Frank. —Yeah.
-Okay, good. Perfect. -Shoes, shoes.
-Shoes? Yeah. -There was a bag. The bag.
Hon, you gotta lighten up about the shoes, okay?
Shoes in bag.
-I appreciate you seeing me. —You're Carl's mother?
-Ah, no, sister. -Legal guardian?
Formally, no.
DEVELIN: Mr. Munroe. -Where's that papier-mache?
Right here.
The kids have been making papier—maché sculptures...
...about what they love about themselves.
This is Carl's.
What is that?
That is a papier-maché pile of shit.
Wait. He has a very developed sense of humor.
We're not laughing.
Carl's future is speaking to us through art.
A dark future.
Filled with what, even to the untrained eye, is a budding psychosis.
We need to speak to his father or his mother.
Well, they're out of town.
-It's important that-- -I need a parent, not a sister.
I've had what seems to be 15 of you goddamn Gallaghers at this school...
...and I have never once met a parent. Not once.
Who in the hell is raising this degenerate?
Come back tonight with a parent or a call will be placed...
...to a place you don't want me to call.
Please? I just want someone to be there for her.
To bear witness to her achievements.
If this was about Karen, I would. But these nights are not about kids.
They're about teachers giving themselves a platform to worship them.
Asking you to applaud with gratitude...
...for all the crap they've been teaching your kids...
...while in reality, they're asking you to validate them...
...for the choice they made to waste their lives as educators.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Who's that?
I'm expecting some granola from Oregon.
From Oregon? People wonder why oil prices are so high.
Shipping oats and sugar all the way....
Can I help you?
-Uh, looking for Frank. -Oh.
VLAD: It's Tommy and Joey from down at the bar.
SHEILA: Oh. VLAD: We got a darts tournament...
...raising money for paralyzed kids, and, uh, we need Frank.
We can't win and help the kids without our star player.
Well, he's kind of in an uncooperative mood today.
But I'll see if the paralyzed kids can get him out.
Let's see.
You, uh-—? You play? We need women too.
No, I am not a darts person.
[CHUCKLES]
Would you mind, urn, taking your shoes off?
Ugh, my mother, God rest her soul...
-...would be upset if! didn't. -Mm-hm.
-Lovely house. -Oh, thank you.
So, uh, where's Frank?
Um, Frank? Frank? Frank?
Frank!
Jesus.
Oh, heads up, man. You're out of BBQ Pringles.
Hey, did Mickey pay for that?
-You have to stand up to him. -What was I supposed to say?
How about, "Cut out the shit or I'll call the cops"?
Tried that once with his father.
TERRY: What do I owe you now?
Mickey's father's in prison now, all right?
I don't need any new enemies.
You're just gonna let him keep coming in here and taking what he wants?
It's the cost of doing business.
[DOOR BELL CHIMES]
[noon CLOSES]
I forgot the dip.
[DOOR BELL CHIMES]
Jesus, Kash.
Hey, Mickey, why don't you steal from a neighborhood you don't live in?
Have some civic pride, huh?
Hey, hey. Jesus. Fuck.
You know where I live if you have a problem.
Here. Go to the store, replace the stuff he stole.
-We're cowards. -We're smart men in a stupid world.
Hurry, before Linda gets back and sees what's missing.
Bathroom break?
You'll need to be escorted.
Oh, no, thanks. I'm all done.
[CLEARS THROAT]
FIONA: Thanks for turning us back on. -Sure.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
STEVE: How'd the meeting at school go? -Badly.
Gonna sic Social Services on us if Frank doesn't show.
Since he's never shown up at a school event for any of us...
...I'm trying to ﬁgure something out.
Why don't I come tonight and pretend to be him?
I'll say whatever people say, like, you know:
"I'm traveling a lot and Carl's probably just acting out because he misses me."
You're way too young.
I thought you were gonna say too handsome.
-There's other people I can try. —Yeah? Who?
People, okay?
I'll see you later. I can't keep burning up the minutes on my phone.
Hector, you busy tonight?
Hey, Morgan, it's Lip. Uh, test went well.
No problem with the ID, one of the beneﬁts of your androgynous name.
I'm thinking I scored you like a 2200.
So send me that postcard from Stanford, all right?
Later.
MAN: Morgan.
Or is it Greg Powers or Pete O'Brien or Jammal Jackson?
You taking tests for girls now, Morgan?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah. Welcome to your shit—show.
I'm an investigator for the Educational Evaluation Service.
-The people who administer-- —I know.
Oh, you do? So why don't you tell me how you cheat?
-I don't cheat. -Oh, right.
-I don't. —Uh—huh.
Let's see. You got a 2360, 2290, 2400.
And all from this crappy high school.
Yeah, I know my shit.
I got a test we just ﬁnished creating.
So why don't we go see if you know your shit or you're just full of it?
FRANK: Karen. Here.
Daddy Frank. What are you doing?
Freezing my gonads off, that's what.
You see a pickup with the two scary-looking dudes in it?
Yes.
Divert their attention so I can slip back into the house.
Daddy Frank, I really, really want you to come to Parents Night tonight.
Nobody's ever there to see how great I'm doing...
...and I'm really, really doing great.
Distract them and we'll talk.
Promise me you'll come to school for me tonight and I'll do it.
All right, all right, Jesus.
Everything's gotta be quid pro fucking quo.
Go. Distract. Distract.
So, what have you allowed to be stolen today?
-Can we try some optimism? —Optimism is for children and presidents.
Not for minimart owners in a land of 30 million jobless.
LINDA: Where the hell were you? -Uh....
LINDA: Why are you looking at him?
-Where are you going with all that stuff? -Nowhere. I--
Who? Is it the Milkovich kid again?
LINDA: That's it. We're closed.
Follow me.
SHEILA: I cannot thank you enough...
...for representing our family tonight at Parents Night.
Karen is going to be so happy.
And make sure you ask lots of questions and then report back to me.
I need details. Lots of details, okay?
Details, details. Yeah, yeah, lots of details.
I'd stay down here and entertain you with my lips...
...but it's getting kind of late.
No, no, those things never start on time.
-You sure? -Yeah, pretty sure. They never—-
-We've got time. —Positive?
-We've got time. We've got time. -Okay.
HEARST: Come here.
Well, you missed one.
No, I didn't.
The wording is ambiguous.
You're gonna get mail on that.
HEARST: Hmm.
I'll take it up with the board.
Twenty-four hundred.
You know how rare that is? Out of a million and a half kids...
...who take the test every year, only 300 get a perfect score.
How did you catch me?
Well, as smart as you are, we got people working for us who are even smarter.
So, what now?
Well, punishment or redemption. Your choice.
What's the punishment?
You entered into this without researching the consequences of getting caught?
Jail?
[CHUCKLES]
We're not in the business of sending kids to jail.
Our only mandate is to send universities valid scores.
And we invalidate the ones that aren't legitimate.
I'm at the University of Chicago.
Come to my ofﬁce.
And don't you ever, ever take a test for someone else again...
...or I will ﬁnd you and I will beat you senseless.
Hmm?
[H EARST WHISTLING]
-Where'd you learn how to do that? —I lived a lot of years before I met you.
Come on.
Now, hold it like you wanna do something with it.
-Hand it here. —What?
Left shoulder. Right shoulder.
Left leg. Right leg.
Stomach. Neck. Face.
Heart.
ROTC.
LIP: Hey, sorry I'm late. -I brought you a shirt.
-Okay. -Okay, now listen up.
We are gonna stand united and show them we are a family that is thriving.
-You got it? Let's go. -Yup.
LIP: Come on. FIONA: Come on.
This is it?
This is his brother.
Uh, Phillip. Very good to see you again, sir.
Uh, Phillip is 17, I'm 21.
Uh, while we may not be the legal guardians of our brother, we do supply—-
I told you I wanted to see a parent.
We just opened the letter today.
I gave Carl the letter last week.
So you're relying on a 9-year-old to deliver important correspondence?
You don't seem to have a home phone.
Carl is taken care of at home by loving siblings.
This is not up for negotiation.
Your brother is on the verge of being expelled.
And unfortunately, there are steps the state requires to be taken...
...before he can be bounced.
And a meeting with his legal guardian is the next step.
Please, you can't do this. I mean, he loves school.
-Heh. -More potential victims here, I suppose.
No, all his friends are here.
Can you stop that? I'm serious.
He needs more structure, we know.
[LAUGHING]
What Cari needs is medication, a near-death experience...
...or a Iobotomy.
You should be proud of your daughter. She's prompt, poised, cheerful.
Vivid imagination. Expansive vocabulary.
Karen has greatness in her future.
She gets it from me.
It's all the time I spent with her when she was a youngster.
Flashcards and the like.
Pounding, pounding, pounding, relentlessly.
Never underestimate the power of ﬂashcards.
I'm sorry.
I'm placing a call to Social Services.
A home without a legal guardian is a home we cannot condone.
Hello, all.
Uh, sorry I was late. I got held up at the ofﬁce.
So now that Fiona and I are engaged, I've ﬁled the paperwork...
...so that we can become the legal guardians of the children.
Do you realize Carl's report card has seven U's?
-Uh, U's? —As in "unsatisfactory."
But don't think of U as in "unsatisfactory."
Think of U as in F.
As in ''failed''?
As in "fucked."
I am not a religious man.
But every now and then, a child comes along...
...who makes me believe in the existence of Satan.
Now, something drastic must be done...
...or he's going to slip down through the cracks...
...right up into a clock tower with a sniper riﬂe.
Given our resources, he is beyond our ability to help.
It's just a phase and now that we're aware of it—-
Too late. This Norman Rockwell display may warm the cookies...
...of some other fool who believes no fucking child...
...not even the budding psychotics, should be left behind.
But the fact is the sooner Car! is put in prison, the safer this world is gonna be.
More a Mickey Hart fan when it comes to paintings.
-What? What's that? -More of a Mickey Hart fan...
...than a Norman Rockwell fan?
Mickey Hart's an all right painter for a drummer.
-Could you all excuse us for a second? -For what?
If we could just take a walk and talk in private, get a breath of fresh air.
Frank.
Hey~ Ooh!
[GRUNTS]
All you had to do was drive the car and park.
FRANK: It was an extraordinary circumstance.
It was the night the Bears were playing Green Bay.
There was an after--
[FRANK GROANING]
I'd be kicking you had I not pulled a hamstring chasing after you.
You're a fast little bastard.
Second team all-state in the mile.
IYELLING]
-Daddy Frank? —Hey,
Sell a kidney, prostitute your 12-year-old.
I don't care how you get it, but I want 6 grand in cash by Saturday...
...or this ear will be hanging around my neck.
No one around here really knows those terrapins are a Grateful Dead thing.
[CHUCKLES]
The kids call them Mr. G's turtles.
Shit, man. They don't even know who the Grateful Dead are.
Oh, man.
The summer of 1979.
Heh, the best summer of my life.
Followed the Dead around the Midwest.
Supported myself selling grilled cheese in the parking lot.
Yeah, they made great music.
Their music blows.
But their female fans...
...were a bunch of patchouli-soaked sluts...
...who all wanted to ball their ﬁrst black guy.
[BOTH SNICKERING]
I never embraced tokenism with more gusto.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Ah, those terrapins were a parting gift...
...from this Skidmore chick...
...who sucked me off like I had diamonds buried in the bottom of my ball sack.
Woo!
Man, this is some good shit.
You know, we're onna turn Carl around. 9
Thanks for the joint...
...but I'm not gonna lose my pension...
...over some little wack job going postal on my watch.
Though I do not distribute high-quality medicine such as this...
...I could hook you up with discreet people who'd give you a favorable price.
We talking a teacher discount?
[CHUCKLES]
My man.
What the hell did you do?
Saw an opening, made my move, got lucky.
[FIONA CHUCKLES]
-Daddy. —lfl hadn't had such a....
Debbie, we gotta go.
I wanna say hi to Daddy. Daddy.
-Hi. -Hello, pumpkin.
Karen, what's going on?
You said you never come to these, so I thought you weren't gonna come...
...so I asked Frank to stand in for my worthless father.
Did they expel Carl?
What did I tell you? Drama and threats, all for naught.
[FRANK CHUCKLES]
Come on, guys. Let's go.
Bye, Daddy.
Yeah, see you.
Carl, we're serious. The stakes are really, really high.
We love you and we need you in this family, in this house.
You need to stop biting and punching and hurting people.
-Well, how else do I make them cry? —Gossip and slander.
You know, when I get really angry, I usually just count to 10.
Hey, little man, tell you what we'll do.
We're gonna get you some pads and skates, get you out on the ice.
Take your frustrations out with a hockey stick.
You can come to karate with me.
Remember when I broke Kyle's leg? Took three pins to put it back together.
You can't beat karate...
...when it comes to regulated, sanctioned violence for children.
SHEILA: Will you tell me one more time what the teacher said, Frank?
How many more times?
Mm.
Just one more time. Just one more time.
I would have known if I'd been there, but just one more.
They said she was developing into an incredibly poised young woman.
-Poised? -Mm-Hm.
Oh, she is.
She's quite the young lady.
Frank, how am-?
How am I gonna help her be the woman she's supposed to be...
...if I'm locked up in this house?
I can't even get through the doors of a pretend supermarket.
How am I gonna show her the Grand Canyon?
Life is going on all around me and I'm missing out.
Why am I so pathetic?
Hey, you are going to get through those doors any day now...
...and never look back.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES]
[SHEILA SNIFFLES]
Frank.
Thank you for being my light.
My Frank, my light.
Hey, um.... Listen, Morgan, it's Lip.
We gotta talk. I got some bad news regarding your SAT scores.
They're invalidating your score.
I'll go into more detail when I speak with you.
Sorry to leave this on your phone.
All right.
Okay. Hit me back.
You know, I didn't need your help.
You know, it looked like you did.
You're upset that I actually did help.
You're afraid that if I keep on showing up and actually helping...
...that you'll like it, and liking it will lead to relying on it.
By relying on it, you'll be less of the you you've made yourself into:
A kick-ass you that you like and I like too.
You're afraid that if you rely on me...
...one day when you really need me to show, I won't.
You'll be angry at yourself for believing something you only see in movies...
...something that I'm determined to prove to you actually exists.
How come every time I wanna fool around, you can't shut up?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
TIRE: Hey, I'm here for Lip to pay him the balance for the SAT test.
-Tire. .|_ip, my man.
-They invalidated my score. LIP: I was gonna call.
-I'll get a six on this test. -Get at least 200 for spelling your name.
Shit. Wait, wait, wait, I can ﬁx this, all right?
-I won't be able to play ball in college. LIP: You'll go straight to the pros.
[GRUNTS]
[THUMPING AND LIP GRUNTING]
LIP: No, no, no, please. -You think you'll live...
...if I drop you on your head?
-I don't. -Lip.
Shit.
IAN: Get back inside. —Back off or I'll throw you out too.
[LIP GRUNTS]
Let him go.
Get my brother back or the kid swings the bat.
TIRE: Okay. -Now.
-Keep your shit straight. I'll pull him in. IAN: Now. Come on.
-What the hell is going on? —CarI‘s got it covered.
[BOTH PANTING]
I was just joking. Okay? Okay?
[ALL SHOUT]
Uh, uh, you ever been with a black guy?
Uh....
I was acquitted.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[English - US - SDH]