I'm Charlie by the way, uh, Charlie Cale.
So, what's it like, leavin' everything behind and startin' fresh?
It suits me.
You get to meet all sorts of people,
-all sorts of lives. -All sorts of lies?
I got no idea.
-I have this thing... -Bullshit.
...I can tell if someone's lying.
-Bullshit. -It's a whole thing.
It would take too long to explain.
-It's fine, I don't care. -Bullshit.
The real trick of it is to figure out why someone is lying.
You ever think about joining the FBI?
I'm not really about helping the man.
[Sterling Frost, Jr.] I'm giving you an opportunity to work with me.
We're gonna fleece this son of a bitch.
[gunshots]
[Charlie Cale] I lost a friend.
Natalie. She was my best friend.
She did the right thing when she saw something awful,
and you killed her for it.
[* intense rock music playing]
[sirens wailing]
[Beatrix Hasp] [over phone] Charlie Cale.
Beatrix Hasp, right?
[Beatrix] I'm here with the five families.
There is no corner of the country
deep enough to hide from us.
We're gonna find you.
Well, Bea, let's all of us find out together.
[* music fades out]
[* classical music playing]
[oven dings]
**
[* upbeat music playing on TV]
[speaker] Lunch time!
[Kid Cop] [on TV] You have the right to an attorney.
[suspect] Hey, no fair.
It's way past your bedtime.
What's that supposed to be?
Uh, it's us.
I'm moving into portraiture.
I have to branch out
if I want to develop as an artist.
-Artist? -Mm-hm.
That spangled garbage.
Artist?
You'll be the Gauguin of Etsy.
Well, I wouldn't expect you to understand, Mother.
Oh, no. But you do expect me to keel over,
leave you my fortune,
and bankroll your little artist's journey.
Mother, don't be so morbid.
I see you.
I see what you're doing.
Oh, that faithful child.
So selfless, caring for that mean old woman.
[laughs]
Can I get you anything else?
Four daughters,
and the one I kept closest
is my biggest disappointment.
Yes, well, my other sisters are not here
washing your foot rags, cutting your charcuterie,
and making you delicious homemade soup.
-It's tepid. -[fork clangs]
[doorbell rings]
Oh, good. Paul's here.
Lawyer Paul?
Yes, I have to get my affairs in order.
But... we already, we already made your will.
We-We-We did it together.
The doctor says that within weeks,
my heart will give out.
Once you're staring into the eyes of death, Amber,
you realize what's really important:
Rewarding those people who didn't...
disappoint you in life.
[* poignant music playing]
Fetch me my ham.
[door rattles]
-Paul? -[Paul Fletcher] Amber.
You look very nice.
Paul, please, um,
you have to tell me, what did she do?
Look, no matter how much sympathy I have
for your situation, I legally can't say.
It-It's a confidential matter,
and I could lose my license if I--
-Please. -Norma's cut you out of the will.
-She what? -Oh, God.
Sorry, that was, like, involuntary.
I'm a, I'm a people pleaser, and I, and I... That's my problem.
But please, don't tell her that I told you that.
She can't.
She-- I-I-I've taken care of her
when she's been sick this whole time,
and my sisters have gone off and lived their life.
And I've been here.
I deserve this! I earned this!
How could she be so cruel?
No, not your sisters.
They're, they're not getting anything either.
Well, then, who's getting the fortune?
My mom doesn't have any friends.
She calls charity "organized malingering."
No, Amber. No. I-I-I-I can't tell you, legally, morally.
The-The-The trust that is a bedrock of my profession forbids me--
Please.
A woman named Felicity Price.
Shit.
Um...
she gets the house, the money, the royalties.
I'm not to make contact until after Norma dies.
She doesn't want to be disappointed.
And now I'm getting in the car before you can
ask me anything else. Sorry.
[car engine starts]
Who the fuck is Felicity Price?
[* suspenseful classical music playing]
[keyboard clacking]
Holy butt-munch.
**
[crackling]
Felicity Price?
Hi, I'm Amber.
And I think we may be--
[helmet squeaks]
[* curious music playing]
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
This is a lot to process.
-I mean, I-I never knew. -Thank you.
[Felicity Price] How did you find out?
Well, um, I was at a gallery show,
uh, asking about a piece
that I just loved when I, uh, saw your artist's photo.
And I just-- I almost passed out.
Wow. Just wow.
It's... cool look.
Oh, I took that before I moved out here.
Off the grid.
If you ask anyone in the art world
who Felicity Price is,
that's who they will describe.
And I don't even recognize that person anymore.
-[can pops] -I, um...
I've been completely isolated for about a year now.
Stripped everything away...
fashion, style...
to see what was left.
Only the art can reveal the artist, right?
Totally.
I'm also an artist.
I, um, I make polymer clay figurines,
um, and I've been featured three times on Etsy, hm.
Cool.
Wow.
A long-lost twin.
It's like finding a missing piece of myself.
[coughs quietly]
It's hilarious, isn't it?
[chuckles]
Uh, did you, uh, did you grow up with our dad?
Oh, shit. Uh... yeah. Uh...
we have the same dad.
Benny's dead.
Yeah, I'm-I'm sorry if you wanted to meet him.
If it's any consolation, he was a complete asshole.
He drove us drunk straight into a light pole
when I was 17.
Wow. How horrible.
What about our mom?
Dead. Yeah, dead.
Norma, she had this rare disease.
All of her bones shattered inside her.
And it was so agonizing.
So much pain and so much screaming.
Wow.
-Uh... -Yeah, mm. Hey!
Um, I am actually a photographer,
kind of, on the side,
and I could take a new, uh,
artist's photo, if you want,
maybe outside with your work?
[sighs]
Sure.
[camera shutter clicking]
[Amber Kazinsky] That's great.
You look really cool.
These are fantastic. You photograph so well.
Do you have a cell? I-I can text them to you.
No, but, um, I check my email
at the public library every couple of days.
-I can write it down for you. -Oh, wow, yeah. That'd be great.
[* suspenseful music playing]
[box thuds]
[paper rustling]
[camera shutter clicking]
Amber, are you feeling okay?
My mother's dying, Paul. How do you think I'm doing?
[machine beeping]
[container clicks]
[Norma wheezes]
Mom? Mom?
[laughs] You...
you look like that little fat plumber in the movies.
Mario wears red overalls.
You knew who I was talking about, didn't you?
[laughs, coughs]
[wheezes]
**
It's okay.
You can go now.
I'm ready.
**
[machine beeps]
[siren chirps]
[phone chiming]
Uh, Felicity, uh, exclamation point.
Uh, I've been thinking, period.
Uh, you showed me your home, period.
I ought to show you mine, period.
Are you free next Friday, question mark.
Heart emoji.
**
-You're late. -I'm sorry, Ms. Kazinsky.
My sisters are inside. You can just drop it with them.
[car engine rumbles]
**
[Amber] You can leave the key inside.
Nobody comes out here.
So, I got this weird email from this lawyer guy
who says our mom died and there's a will.
But you said our mom already--
What in the living fuck?
I thought you'd be flattered.
You got to be kidding me. This is...
this is ridiculous. Wh-Wh-What is this?
You have everything I want.
Everything I deserve.
What is happening?
[both grunt]
[screaming]
[* dramatic music playing]
Hi, sisters. I'm...
I know you all didn't love Mom,
but, but she was my world an-an-and, and I loved her,
and, and I can't go on without her.
So, I've come to the bluff to jump.
So when you see my body at the-the bottom of the bluff
by our house, that's me.
I'm sorry.
**
[prosthetic clinks]
[* suspenseful music playing]
Oh, no.
No! No, no, no! No! No!
**
No! No!
No. You're supposed to be me.
They're all going to know that you're not me.
Well, how am I supposed to fake this?
What am I supposed to do?
Oh, why is nothing ever easy?
[train horn blares]
**
[train rumbling]
Holy butt-munch.
[car engine rumbling]
I'm Felicity Price.
[lowers voice] I'm Felicity... Price.
[car engine rumbling]
**
[sisters] Amber...
Paul Fletcher?
You emailed me about an inheritance.
Mm-hm. I'm Felicity Price.
[Charlie] [sighs] Gosh, man.
Tell you something, Cookie. Uh...
It's Cookie, right?
Hmm.
I tell you, you know, I've been driving by
these parking lots every day of my life, right there.
Yeah. You stop and, uh,
you sit in one, uh, all day long,
and you get a whole other perspective, you know?
Just the sheer life on display.
[chuckles]
Yeah, secrets in every glove box.
I mean, motel matchbooks, baby shoes.
The unobserved pageant of the ordinary.
Ah, I mean, the tales these cars could tell, yeah?
Hey, how's that book?
Very second wave.
[chuckles] Yeah.
[glass shatters]
Charlie Cale!
Beatrix Hasp says hello!
-[gunshot] -[bullet clangs]
[Charlie] Oh, shit!
-[Charlie screams] -[car engine rumbles]
[bullets pinging]
-[* whimsical music playing] -[Halloween decor laughing]
Well, that's what I'm saying. Late stage capitalism
is turning us all into zombies.
That's why we have to unionize.
[decor laughs]
I'm sorry, a-are you saying I'm a zombie?
'Cause I'm pretty sure I'm a mummy, so.
-I don't know. -[truck honks]
Here they come. Ready?
[both grunting]
Oh, shit!
[gunshots]
[Charlie yells]
-[all clapping and cheering] -[child] Jason versus zombies!
Jason versus zombies!
[all] Jason versus zombies!
**
Hey, pick up the picking pace, please.
Oh, gotcha. Sorry. Yeah.
I-I just, uh, taking in the rich pageant of...
Yeah. Uh, yeah, yeah. Sorry about that.
[car rumbling]
[Jimmy] You. Hey! Hey, you.
We know this girl's working here. You seen her?
Oh, she quit yesterday. Uh, couldn't take the heat.
Shit. She say where she was going?
Nope. Sorry.
[car engine rumbles]
Shit.
Hi, uh, thank you.
Yeah. Picking pace.
Pick it up, pronto.
Yeah, no problem. Apples all day.
**
[apples thud]
Can I ask you who you're hiding from?
Oh, I'm not.
Well, you know how it is.
Uh, you cross the wrong, uh,
crime boss or five.
But it's a long story. You don't need to hear this.
-No, not really, no. -Yeah.
-Are you alright? -Me? Yeah.
-Yeah, I'm cool. -Okay.
Uh, it's just like, uh, that uncanny thing
where it's like, uh, you know,
you've seen somebody before,
like, you grew up with them or something.
Uh, when you were little, did you ever watch
a show called "Kid Cop: Nights"?
-No way. -Yeah.
-Excuse me, "Kid Cop: Nights" over here! -No, no, no, stop that!
-Stop. -Oh, my God.
-Please. I'm so sorry. -Oh, my G...
-Wait, what? -Did you...
I knew it.
-Well, can we just let it go? -I knew it the second I saw you.
-Come on. I can't. -Holy shit.
[* upbeat music playing]
[siren wailing]
I went in too deep, Chief.
I don't know where I start
and Crystal the drug mule ends.
[crying] Butt-munch.
Pew-eee. Phew.
Delia, no offense, man, but that is some bad acting.
None taken. That-That's not me.
That's Amber, my sister,
or "Hamber" as we like to call her.
Get out. So, you're an identical twin?
Oh, no, no, no.
[Charlie] Clone, two, three, four.
What do you call that? "Freaky"?
Uh, quadruplets. We all played Kid Cop.
It's the only way you can make 23 episodes a year
when you decide to set a kids' show
shot entirely at night.
Gosh. Boy.
Man, that sounds like a fun childhood, right?
Ah.
Could have been.
If it wasn't for Norma.
[Charlie] Mm. It's like a stage mommy type.
[Delia Kazinsky] Mm. Norma pitted us against each other
every chance she got.
I don't think we ever really recovered.
She gave me my first drink, my second drink,
and my fifteenth...
to settle my nerves on set.
I went to five rehabs before...
I realized I had to cut her out of my life to get sober.
Damn.
Yeah, this show ran forever. I'm doing the math.
Why are you picking apples for a living?
Norma took every cent.
If I had a tenth of what I made back then, I could...
buy the old man out of his apple operation
when he retires, and I could be my own boss.
Every man's dream.
Mm. What's yours?
Well, uh, not getting shot.
Oh, come on. It's got to be more than that.
Introspection, it just makes me queasy.
I, uh, tumble up. Uh...
What I would love, me personally,
the one where Kid Cop faces off against the Zodiac Killer.
Come on, you know it's a classic. Come on.
-Alright. -Oh, yes.
[* theme music playing]
Yeah.
Good, good apple.
[indistinct chatter]
Hiya, partner. How you doing?
-Uh, Norma died. -What?
Ah, shit. I'm sorry. I think.
-How are you doing? -Funeral's tomorrow.
I asked if I could borrow a truck,
but the old man can't spare one.
It's going to take at least a day to get there by bus.
I'm not going to make it.
Are you sure you really want to go to the funeral?
Well, it's the only chance I can get my money back,
but-- And I'm sure Norma gave it all to Amber.
Maybe I can talk her into sharing it with us.
No, no. Hey, it's okay. I'll-- I-I'll drive.
Well, he is not going to hold your job.
Oh, no.
Oh, I'm going to lose my pension. Come on.
Shit, man, I'm sorry.
[Charlie sighs deeply]
Alright, so listen.
Just, like, uh,
get in, get out, get the cash,
buy the orchard. Presto.
Good luck, buddy.
Do you, um, do you want to come in for a minute?
I mean, will your sisters
really want to have me at the wake?
Oh, trust me, nobody in there is mourning.
Please?
Well, I am a little curious
to see all four Kid Cops in action.
Leave the keys in the car.
Nobody ever comes here.
Alright, boss.
Fuck it.
Four Kid Cops.
-Wow-wee. Oh, boy. -[Delia] Yeah.
Hello?
Whoa, "Kid Cop" money, huh?
-Oh, shit. -Hello?
Bebe?
-[Charlie] Hello. -Good day.
Cece?
[Bebe Kazinsky] In here!
-[both] De-De. -[Charlie] Oh.
This is not going to get confusing at all. Hi.
No, thank you.
Oh, right. Yeah.
I forgot.
You're boring now.
Okay, everyone,
this is Charlie from work.
She gave me a ride.
Oh, hey, I'm, uh,
I'm really sorry for your loss.
Okay. Uh, Charlie, this is Bebe. She's a DJ.
Yeah, I noticed. Hey, cool cans. Hey.
And this is Cece, she's a teacher.
[French accent] Associate Professor of Comparative Literature.
Whoa, uh, how'd you get French?
Cece took a year of post-grad in Quebec City,
and now she can't get over it.
What Bebe does not understand is that one adopts
the accent of one's peer group.
This is where Dede sounds like she grew up
-on a trawler ship. -[Bebe snickers]
Oh, okay.
Have you guys seen the will?
I assume that's why we're all here.
Norma's lawyer's on the way.
We all know who's getting everything.
The best we can hope for is that
Amber throws us a crumb.
Well, then where is Amber?
Uh, Amber took a walk
to process her new life as an orphan.
She-- She's been really bonkers lately.
Even for Hamber.
You will love this.
-Hi. -That's Amber?
[Cece Kazinsky] And she's been blowing up the group chat
for weeks with this craziness.
Look at that nose ring.
Ugh. It's just a cry for attention.
Oh, gosh. I mean, I-- doesn't that mean
she might just need help or something?
Merde, non.
-Merde? -[phone chimes]
[Bebe] Oh, geez.
Hamber just sent another video.
Oh, I cannot take Hamber right now.
Oh, wow.
Ah, gosh.
Boy, oh, boy.
You guys were really hot stuff
for a minute, huh?
Oh, what's this big boy for?
Pointy. [chuckles]
Uh, that's the Latvian Critic Award
for Best Inter-generational Kiss.
We won it five times in a row.
Oh, I'm sorry.
[trophy thuds]
So, favorite co-star?
Oh, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Kid Cop's first love.
Ah.
[Cece] No. Tamara Dobson.
She played the ghost of our paternal
great-great-grandmother
in "Kid Cop: Civil War Christmas."
I forgot that it was so metaphysical.
It's ahead of its time, really.
[Delia] Well, season nine took place entirely
in the mind of a coma patient
that Kid Cop's evil twin shot in the neck.
That was a beautiful season in a coma. It's gorgeous.
Oh, my gosh! Hamber on the bluff.
[car engine rumbling]
[sisters] Amber...
-Holy mole. -Yeah.
[overlapping animated conversations]
-Did Amber know about this? -Who is "Felicity Price"?
And how was Norma making that much in royalties?
Yes. Amber knew about the will.
Felicity Price is your secret fifth sister.
"Kid Cop" is huge in Indonesia.
Paul, heh, our mom just died.
Amber just jumped off a bluff,
and now there's a secret sister
that's getting our inheritance!
Gee, it's-- Yeah, it's a lot when you say it all together
-like that. -[doorbell rings]
I'm sorry, that's probably her now.
Thanks for coming.
Can't find this missing foot.
Lady Diana here, she got the best nose in the biz.
She'll find it.
Uh, wait, I-- Sorry.
You couldn't find the foot?
What could have happened to it?
[scoffs] On a public beach?
Anything.
This is fucked.
[Amber] [as Felicity] I mean, long-lost twins.
It sounded so funny.
I-- It's like discovering a piece of myself,
uh, pieces of myself.
-[Amber chuckles] -Another one.
Man, they got to stop feeding these girls after midnight.
I'm a mixed media artist.
-Uh, I work out of Vermont. -Bullshit.
I-I grew up on the run with our father, Benny.
No, you didn't.
Uh, he was a, a gambler, died in a car crash
when I was 17.
I was with him in the car.
What are you going to do with our money, Felicity?
What my sister means is,
we understand that this must feel like
a crazy windfall for you.
-But... -Yeah.
...we earned that money from our TV show.
Norma stole it from us when we were kids.
She treated us like trash.
[Cece] Especially Amber.
Ooh, I wish I'd have taken her more seriously.
-You do? -[Bebe] Well,
she was a hard person to take seriously.
-Mm-hm. -We could have tried, though,
even with her hammy acting.
-Oh, merde! -Oh, Hamber.
But I thought she won a, a People's Choice Award in '03.
-Hmm. A weak year. -It was a weak year.
[Bebe] And she kept trying to make "butt-munch" happen
as a catchphrase.
Like, read the room.
Vaguely homophobic.
How? Oh.
And then, after the show, she just lived a tragic,
pathetic life.
Groveling to Mom.
Dressed like a dust bowl Okie.
And begging us to, like, post her sad Etsy sculptures.
And the spangles. Oh, my gosh. Ugh.
The spangles.
She would put spangles on a Holocaust memorial.
They bring visual interest...
to the ones I've seen, incidentally.
To answer your question, I'm taking the money...
all of it.
I grew up never knowing a mother's love.
This is my reward.
-But we're sisters. -This is very unfair.
We never knew a mother's love either.
Okay. Uh, I think I'll take a quick gander at that buffet.
If you don't share that money, we'll sue.
Right, Paul? We can do that, right?
Uh, any heir can contest a will.
Now, see, I, I thought this might happen.
Give me just a second.
[Amber clears throat]
Present for ya. [chuckles]
If you don't file a lawsuit,
I'll give each of you $150,000.
If we fight this, what are the chances we win?
Yes, what are the chances?
Not high.
Norma was of sound mind
when she drew up her will.
That is correct.
[sighs]
Bebe, no. If we, if we stick together--
Dede, just take the money.
It's not worth the fight.
Fuck you!
I'm not having my money stolen twice.
Well, two out of three isn't bad.
[Paul] It-It might be.
If Delia files a suit,
it'll hold up the estate for years,
and nobody can get anything out of it.
Oh, my gosh.
Ugh. Merde.
[accessories clinking]
Delia!
Delia, look, I know this isn't going
exactly the way you planned, but if you just--
You cannot understand how painful this is!
Norma was a monster. She, she killed Amber.
She-She may not have pushed her off that cliff,
but she whittled my sister down to a compliant little nub.
And all that's left is the money that Norma stole from us.
I won't let you take it.
Oh, I know the pain.
-[car door slams] -Years of it.
I've been hurt terribly...
Tell my friend that I will be back with her car soon.
I have to clear my head.
[car engine growls]
Ugh!
[* suspenseful music playing]
Fucking fine then. Give me the fucking forms.
I'll fucking sign.
That's a lot of fucks, Dede.
Okay. So, when can we get the money?
**
-[Charlie] Delia? -Shit.
[Charlie] Hey, Delia.
Delia.
-Oh! -[Charlie] Heyo. Hi. Oh, good.
I thought I saw you come in here.
You got to check out the buffet.
You know what? The old man should hire this guy
for the retirement party.
Oh, yeah. Old man, yes. Thank you.
What's going on? You going somewhere?
Oh, oh, cold.
Huh, okay.
Cold. Oh, so, uh, what exactly do you want?
Oh, well, [sighs] look, it's no big deal,
but at least, like, 60% of what your secret sister
out there is saying is, like, total bullshit.
-How could you know that? -Mm.
Well, just now when you said you were cold,
that was a lie, right?
-Maybe. Yes. -Mm-hm.
[Charlie] Yeah. Well, anyway, I got this thing.
I can just, uh, tell when someone's lying.
It's kind of a thing I do.
This will be fun. Okay.
Tell me a fact about yourself.
But don't dig too deep.
Uh, you're freaking me out.
True. Let's up the ante.
Why don't you grab one of these, uh, spangly buddies
from the peanut gallery, uh.
And I'll turn my back, and you tell me what you have.
-Squirrel. -Bullshit.
-Elephant. -Bullshit.
-Hammer. -Mm. True.
Although not technically a spangly buddy, actually.
So, kind of a weird move. Anyway, you see my point.
-Believe me now? -Um, how exactly does it work?
Well, I'm not exactly sure, but it's not really the point.
Okay. What we got to do is talk to your mom's lawyer.
I mean, surely, he ran some kind of
a background check when he found this chick, you know?
Well, I mean, even if Felicity's lying,
it doesn't change Norma's will.
Well, it does, if she committed fraud.
-Oh. -Hang in there, okay?
Whoever the hell this Anastasia,
dirty, rotten scoundrel, Felicity,
whatever the hell her name is, it's going to be okay.
Alright? We're going to figure this out.
-Fuck yeah. -Fuck yeah!
**
[mic hums]
Hey.
Hi.
Norma's lawyer.
Oh, gosh, that must have been a hell of a gig.
Um, Paul Fletcher. Who are you?
Uh, I'm-- I-- Nobody. Yeah, I just,
uh, Delia's apple dumpling gang, uh...
So, this, uh, long-lost sister you dug up, uh, Felicity Price.
Is-Is she really a mixed media visual artist?
Are you asking if she's a, a real artist?
Uh, I'm-I'm not sure I'm qualified to assess that.
I did take an Intro to Art History course
during my semester at sea,
but the professor was not very engaging.
That's too bad. No, no, no. I, uh--
Look, we just want to know if she is who she says she is.
Oh, I see. Yes, she-she is.
Here's her... here's her art.
Huh.
Alright. That's her.
Okay, you got celebrities. Cool.
Oh, boy. Sandwiches. Okay.
It's hella eclectic. But, yeah, I guess that's art.
Uh...
Hey, what about the, uh, the backstory, uh,
raised on the run by gambling addicts and so on.
Does that really check out?
Yes. Her father had the, uh,
shady creditors of a, a gambling addict.
And he died in a car crash, just as Felicity said.
[Charlie] Gosh, uh...
and was she really in the car
with him when that happened?
Yeah, I-I looked up the, the hospital records.
What-What is this all in aid of?
Well, here's the thing, Paul the lawyer,
when you say something about Felicity, it's true.
But when Felicity says the same thing, it's bullshit.
So, "I'm a mixed media artist." Bullshit.
Uh, "My father was a gambler. He died in a car crash." True.
Uh, "I was in the car with him when he died." Bullshit.
Uh, it seems like she only lies
when she's talking about herself or something.
But, but Paul proved all of that,
so maybe your-your truth thing is just broken.
**
Huh.
So, you all play the same kid, huh?
Yes. And?
And, uh, think about it.
So, the lies, the wildly wavering accent.
Uh, really? I hadn't picked up on that.
Oh, sweetheart, Felicity's acting
is second only to Hamber's "Crystal the drug mule."
And God rest her soul, but--
Well, this is getting a little crazy.
Yes. Stay with me here.
So, what if this Felicity Price is some sort of a,
I don't know, a... an impostor?
Uh, you know, another, another one.
So, it's not, uh, quintuplets, it's a--
What-What do you call that?
-Sextuplets? -Sixtuplets.
-Sextuplets. -Yeah, that's what I said.
-No, no, sextuplets. -Yeah. Six.
-Sex. -Yeah.
'Cause there's six of 'em, right?
-No. -Yeah.
-So, there's six. -Sex.
-No, that's why you call it six. -It's sex.
-It's six, six, six... -Sex, sex...
-It's Latin. Sex, sex, sex. -[Charlie] It's Latin.
Dude, I'm just fucking with you. Come on.
Sexytuplets. Saucy, okay?
And number sex is pretending to be number five.
Well, is she fucking right or not?
Th-There's only one secret sister.
Norma registered five births.
Amber, Bebe, Cece, Delia, and Felicity.
I-I've seen the documents myself.
God, I'm starving.
Delia, I know this is hard to accept...
[* loud EDM music playing]
[announcer] "Kid Cop: Nights."
-There's no legal-- -Thank you so much.
* Freeze *
-I was still eating. -* Yeah, yeah *
* Tell it to the judge *
Well, that's that then.
-No, no. Hey, new attack... -What?
-...confront the punk. -[sighs]
Fuck, come on.
Whoa. Givin' up that easy?
That doesn't seem like you.
Yeah, I mean, no, I mean, fuck it.
-I'll go. -Hey, dummy.
Bullshit detective, remember?
Right, you have to do it.
Yeah. Mm. Don't worry
'cause I actually have conducted, like,
a shocking number of these ad-hoc interrogations.
So, the first line out of Felicity
and then, boom, I'll just crack her wide open.
Good. Um... go get 'em, tiger.
Okay.
[* suspenseful music playing]
[door creaks]
Oh, hey, one more thing. You think we can get some of these turkey legs to go?
Uh, I don't see why not.
Um, I left your keys in the car.
Yeah, I remember. Appreciate it, though.
Oh, yeah, I did prefer the other beanie.
What?
**
-[yelps] -Hi there, Felicity Price.
What in the hell are you doing in here?
Why are you lying about who you are?
-I'm what? -Well, I mean,
everyone gilds the lily, but you?
Every sentence out of your mouth is a porker.
It's makin' my ears ring.
Just what gives?
I-I don't know what you mean.
Okay. Well, I mean, y-you're lying about being
in that car when your father died.
-I am not. -Oh, there you go again.
You're also fibbing about growing up on the run.
Well, we weren't on the run all the time,
obviously, but--
Okay, and-and-and you're not
a mixed media visual artist
from rural Vermont, whatever your bio says.
So, you're, obviously-- Y-Y-You're scamming
these sisters out of their inheritance
one lie at a time.
So, who are you?
I am Felicity Price.
Nope. Try again.
-I am. -Bullshit.
God, it's so obvious you're not who you say you are.
I mean, the accent alone,
it's like, uh, dinner theater Blanche DuBois.
I-I-If I called one of Felicity's friends right now,
would they even recognize you?
Give it up, lady. You cannot lie to me.
I mean. Well, I suppose...
Fine.
You're right.
Felicity Price is, uh, an invention.
A... reaction to the cruelty I've suffered.
The years of abuse.
Do you know what it takes to become a real artist?
Ah, gosh, I don't know.
I guess, uh, big financial safety net.
Maybe some family connections to the art world.
Pain and sacrifice.
[British accent] You must kill the old you
to birth the new you.
Reinvent everything.
Your accent, your image,
your entire personality, if you must.
Every moment of every day.
[German accent] Felicity Price is
who I was supposed to be.
[Southern accent] Proof of the passion and creativity
that was smothered out of me.
But no longer.
Now...
I am Felicity Price.
She is me.
[British accent] You call it a lie.
[normal accent] I call it my truth.
Okey-smokes, man.
That's true.
Excruciatingly pretentious, but, uh... true.
Get out.
Alright. Uh, hey, I'm sorry for overstepping.
Uh, so is there any shot that, uh,
you could consider channeling some
of that artistic empathy towards your sister Delia?
I mean, she's just-- she's been through a lot.
Please leave.
-[door creaks] -Sorry.
[door closes]
Holy butt-munch!
Oh. [panting]
[* energetic music playing]
Rest in spangled power, Amber.
We love you.
**
Oh, great. There you are.
Hey, hey, buddy. I-I'm sorry, but I-I,
you know, I did that whole lie detector routine
on Felicity, just like we planned,
and I'm sorry to say, but I just--
I don't think she's an imposter.
Imposter syndrome maybe.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Alright. If you were just, like, tooling around
the neighborhood for two hours, like some angsty teen,
then who was I even gabbing to?
I-I mean, are you even you?
I'm me, Delia.
We met at an apple orchard.
Charlie.
Alright. I, I see it.
I don't understand why any of my sisters
would pretend to be me.
Hey, there you are, um.
I wanted to get this to you before you leave.
I-I'm glad you changed your mind, Delia.
G-Good luck.
That's why.
[sighs] Felicity offered us $150K to not contest the will.
I guess one of my sisters wore my coat.
Oh, and your beanie, right. The different color.
God, I'm a moron.
And, uh, signed the contract.
No, no, no, no. You, you got to tear this up.
We can prove that's not your signature.
Charlie, I have been staring
at that drinks table ever since we got here
trying to remember why it's not
a fantastic idea to get wasted.
Whoever did this had it right.
Take the money and run.
I mean, you can't even buy a whole orchard
for $150K, I-I'd assume.
I am financially illiterate. It does keep me up at night.
Money is replaceable. I pick peace of mind.
Well, you know what? Sorry, buddy,
but, fuck it, I'd love for you to have both.
Hey, Lady Diana.
-Lady Diana. -Hey. Whoa.
-Lady Diana. Come here. -Hey, hey, mine.
Come here. Wrong leg, baby girl.
Alright, we're gonna get 'em next time. I promise.
Sorry.
No, it's, uh, Lady Di's now, uh.
Oh, okay.
[Charlie] Hey, uh, how's that going?
You still can't find that missing foot?
Oh, God. Who would take Amber's foot?
The wild boars, passing hobos riding the rails, seagulls.
You can't expect a human foot to just stay
on the beach and no one take it nowhere.
I don't know. It seems a humble enough expectation.
And that's not even the worst part.
Well, okay. Sh-Shoot. What's the worst part?
I got that song stuck in my head. Um, "Footloose."
Um...
* Everybody cut loose, footloose *
* Kick off your Sunday shoes *
All day.
-Well, I did ask. -Mm.
[hums "Footloose"]
Um, goddamnit.
It's like the smallpox of movie plot songs.
I blame Bacon.
[chuckles] Bacon.
-Hold on a second. -What?
Well, portrait.
Kevin Bacon in "Footloose." Life-sized bust.
Daniel Day-Lewis circa "My Left Foot."
Right.
Footlong, Five Dollar Subway, cast in bronze,
and a, a marble ruler, approximately 12 inches,
always known as a foot.
Is this a riddle or an aneurysm?
All of Felicity Price's artwork is foot-related.
-And? -And,
and Amber's dead body is missing a foot.
So that means I... don't know why.
Geez. Synchronicity?
-No fucking way. -[Charlie shudders]
* Dance *
[* EDM music playing]
[Amber] [as Felicity] I always say
that art reveals the artist.
[* music stops]
[Charlie] Faux-licity.
I figured you out.
Before Amber saw Norma's new will,
she was coping just fine
with her mother's illness, right?
That's true. She was, she was very strong.
[Charlie] Yes. But then, Norma names Felicity Price
as the new heir of the "Kid Cop" gazillions.
And, uh, well, Amber begins to transform.
New hairdo, weird piercings, starting to dress
like some kind of a cartoon plumber.
[Cece] Excusez-moi.
She was having a breakdown.
Yes, but, uh, not for the reason you think.
You see, uh, those changes that Norma made to the will,
well, they were causing Amber to become homicidal,
not suicidal.
Isn't that right, Fauxlicity?
Well, I wouldn't know.
You stopped my set for this?
May I?
[phone clicks]
-Thanks, pal. -You're welcome.
[Amber] [on phone] And I can't go on without her.
So, I've come to the bluff to jump.
-So, when you see-- -Bullshit.
And pretty lame acting on top.
Suffice to say, I can tell
based on this video alone that, uh, well, she's lying.
Amber had no intentions of jumping.
You really shouldn't speak ill of the dead like this.
Ah, well, that's okay because Amber isn't dead.
Felicity Price is.
Amber's new look was a disguise.
Designed to make everyone believe
that the body at the bottom of the bluff was her.
When, in fact, it was actually the body
of your long-lost sister, Felicity Price.
-Sacré bleu. -Oh, my God.
It was a crazy-smart scheme. Oh, boy.
But there was just that one thing about Felicity
that you couldn't fake, wasn't there?
Something that you found out about
after you murdered her.
Her prosthetic foot.
-No. -Shut up.
You know, it was, uh, really
some very quick thinking what you did with the train.
And, uh, well, those cops,
yeah, they bought it.
Take off your left boot.
That is wildly inappropriate to ask her to do...
[knuckles thud]
Oh. Oh, wow.
Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.
-[both sigh] -[Delia] This is...
[Charlie] Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
No, dude, I'm sorry--
How very dare you.
I come here to meet my long-lost family
at the wake
of the mother I never knew.
And how do you welcome me?
You force me
to bare my disability to you.
-[both whispering indistinctly] -Are you happy now?
-No. -Or is there
more humiliation in store?
[* suspenseful music playing]
Uh...
hold on.
[trophy thuds]
-Oh! -[gasping]
-[blood spurting] -[* suspenseful music playing]
-[both gasp] -[Bebe] Ew!
Oh, my God, that's so gross.
-[Cece] No. -Holy butt-munching shit!
[Amber thuds]
-Hamber? -Hamber!
The art reveals the artist.
The spangles. Yikes.
You know, I'm-I'm gonna call the cops.
I, I did everything right.
Everything Mom asked. It all should have been mine.
Hi. Yeah.
I'd like to report a crime.
[knocking]
-[Charlie] God, that was quick. -Yeah.
[officer] I'm sorry to barge in like this.
We just fingerprinted the corpse's body.
That wasn't your sister, Amber, down on those tracks.
-It was-- -Oh, we know, Felicity Price.
Wait, so that means... Uh, did one of you...
-She did it. -It was her.
-Uh, she did it. -Oh!
-Which one is this? -Amber.
Does that mean we all have different fingerprints?
Of course. You're twins, not clones.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
Oui, merde.
[siren chirps]
I wish I'd have gotten to know her, you know?
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
So, uh, who gets all the money now?
Well, Felicity had no surviving family,
so all the "Kid Cop" money comes to us.
-Oh, shit. -Yeah.
-Whoa. -Mm.
So, enough to buy the orchard off the old man, huh?
Well, two orchards. Thanks to you.
Me? No.
Uh, come on, I just asked a few questions.
Why don't you, um, come in on it with me?
We make a good team
and if nothing else, it'll give you time
to figure out your dream.
Uh...
Yeah. I don't know. Uh...
Well, maybe I could use a little settling down.
Form a little human connection and,
oh, maybe get to know the name of a few apples.
Don't set your bar too high.
-[both laugh] -Nah, I mean, you're right.
Shit. Like, what am I even running from, right?
-[plastic pops] -[water splashes]
[car engine roaring]
[gunshots]
Oh, right.
-[* "I Palindrome I" by They Might Be Giants playing]
* Someday Mother will die and I'll get the money *
* Mom leans down and says, "My sentiments exactly" *
* You son of a bitch *
* I palindrome I *
* And I am a snake head *
* Eating the head on the opposite side *
* I palindrome I *
* Manonam *
* I palindrome I *
* Manonam *
* See that bulletproof dress hanging from the clothesline *
* See the medical chart with the random zig-zag *
* Now I'll help it decide *
* I palindrome I *
* Manonam *
* I palindrome I *
* Manonam *
* I palindrome I *
[* song ends]