1 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,641 What do I think love is? 2 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:27,807 Uh, it's like when someone makes your stomach feel all tight... 3 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:30,611 but floaty at the same time, you know? 4 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:34,610 And your cheeks hurt from smiling. 5 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,569 You smile so much... 6 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,802 that people think somethings wrong with you. 7 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:40,405 Love is light. 8 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,688 Acceptance. 9 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:48,570 Fire. 10 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:50,165 Pain. 11 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,805 Horrible pain. 12 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:56,124 That you want again and again. 13 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,089 And also fucking. 14 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:02,370 24-7, deep-dick, can't-walk-right fucking. 15 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,250 Oh, you know me. 16 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,767 I got so much to say about love. 17 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,641 And one year, this Wall Street guy... 18 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,007 flew me in a helicopter to DC. 19 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:18,605 For serious? 20 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:21,923 Valentine's Day makes guys go crazy. They love it. 21 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,889 Men hate Valentine's Day. 22 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,405 They don't act like they hate it. 23 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,562 That's because you look like Sofía Vergara. 24 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:31,530 Them things is real. I once saw her jogging in Tribeca. 25 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,921 Ian hasn't visited in so long. 26 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,968 It'd be nice if he showed up tomorrow. 27 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:37,929 But he's only got a Vespa... 28 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,968 and it's too cold to ride this far. 29 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:41,849 One year, Yadriel got me flowers. 30 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:45,208 He stole them from his cousin's funeral. It was so sweet. 31 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:46,884 Please. Valentine's Day was invented... 32 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,964 to make people feel like shit if they're not part of some perfect couple. 33 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,169 - True. - Diablo says there are no perfect couples... 34 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,811 but each couple is perfect in its own way. 35 00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,443 It must be hard being locked up on Valentine's Day. 36 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:02,645 That's all. 37 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,722 Aw. Thank you, Fischer. 38 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,689 That was really empathetic of you. 39 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,650 - You want a cookie? - Oh, sure. Thank you. 40 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:19,600 Ripped By mstoll 41 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:24,083 - You need some water, Fischer? - I'll be fine. 42 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,926 I knew she didn't swallow. 43 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,529 Hi. 44 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,524 Where'd you make reservations for tomorrow night? 45 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:45,726 What? 46 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:49,202 Shh. I'm trying to pretend like we're a normal couple. 47 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,284 Oh. Um... 48 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:56,081 well, I got us a table for two at Lorenzo's. 49 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,650 The one by the fireplace. 50 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,525 I can't wait for you to see my dress. 51 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,206 It's sexy, but not slutty. You know. 52 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,450 I can't wait to see it. 53 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:12,207 Mamita. Uh, can you get me another bag of flour? 54 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:19,406 Here. 55 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,610 What's this? 56 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,409 It's a list. 57 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,721 Wanna keep the mother-in-law happy, right? 58 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:29,122 I figured I might as well make use of Sleepy Hollow... 59 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:30,929 before the other shoe drops. 60 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:32,530 Get it? 61 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:42,127 So this is what Vee negotiated for us- using these broke-ass showers? 62 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,521 - Man, that's some broke-ass negotiating. - You think? 63 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,967 You do know that long showers are bad for you. 64 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:51,762 Yeah. Yeah. Mess with your keratinocytes and whatnot. 65 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:54,161 Hey, Suzanne. Shut the fuck up. 66 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:02,410 Man, why the hell would I leave the library? It's the best job here. 67 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:03,970 Because books do not pay the rent. 68 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:07,487 Books do not bourguignonne the beef. We are startin' something. 69 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:10,404 I don't wanna join custodial. 70 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,050 And yet I am still asking you. 71 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:14,122 No way. No. 72 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,521 Do you know how easy it would have been for me to say no... 73 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,921 when you said, “Vee, get me out of this group home... 74 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:25,891 save me from the sick, fuck-faced foster father I got”? 75 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,041 Huh? 76 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:28,724 It's not fair. 77 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:30,768 Fair? Girl, please. 78 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:34,367 Fair is where you go get you some cotton candy, where you ride the tilt-a-whirl. 79 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:36,363 I'm looking for Jack. 80 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,290 He's not here. 81 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,164 He buys me chocolates every year. 82 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:42,765 We're on a fixed income, of course... 83 00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:46,242 but he's got to treat his Duckie right, he says. 84 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:50,325 And if he can't find me, they'll be wasted. 85 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:57,207 Fuck. Kill me in my sleep if I ever get like that. 86 00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:59,169 Look, you gonna think about it, right? 87 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,164 And then you gonna do as I say. 88 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:03,207 Aah! 89 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,681 It's just chillin', you know? 90 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,280 Kickin' it with somebody, talking... 91 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:10,806 making mad stupid jokes. 92 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:16,410 And, like, not even wanting to go to sleep 'cause... 93 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,205 then you might be without 'em for a minute. 94 00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:21,169 And you don't want that. 95 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,926 Mmm. 96 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,809 And... done. 97 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,087 Ah, who's next? Who's next? 98 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:39,650 Whoo! 99 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,001 Get a room! 100 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:51,287 German, fool. Talk it. 101 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,124 Zing? Zinger? 102 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,647 Das Zimmer. You're part of a community. Respect its language. 103 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,210 My father's part of a community. 104 00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,965 I'm the unfortunate appendage he drags about... 105 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,850 wherever your fight against terror takes him. 106 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:08,891 How many times have you had to move in your short little life? 107 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,930 Too many. But this is the end of the road. 108 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,729 My pops promised. 109 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:17,129 How do you say “I'd like to watch... 110 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:21,728 as you two make sweet, sweet lady love” in German? 111 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:24,883 Nein, motherfucker. Nein. 112 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,964 This job is bullshit. 113 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:37,283 No. 'Tis a rewarding puzzle. 114 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:42,082 Ain't no puzzle. Makes electrical look good. 115 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,845 I can't believe I let that old bitch talk me into this. 116 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:48,129 I wouldn't speak ill of Miss Parker's methods. 117 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:49,884 She wouldn't tolerate such words. 118 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,531 Hey. Now, Watson got the right... 119 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,171 to express her discomfort for her new job. 120 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,208 Just because cleaning quiets your discombobulation... 121 00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,328 doesn't mean it does so for everyone. 122 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:03,166 Point well made, Moppet. Point well made. 123 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,163 You such a dumb-ass. 124 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,641 Hey, Watson. You look a little tired. 125 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,331 Maybe I could come by later and massage your quads. 126 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,687 Get the fuck outta here. 127 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,808 Whatever y'all got going on in here- 128 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:21,167 taking over custodial- I want a piece. 129 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,129 I use it to cover my eyes. 130 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:26,682 That way, you know, I won't see anything. 131 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:32,290 Tomorrow night, I am going to put the “V” in your Valentine. 132 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,803 That's right. Fuck me. 133 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:39,646 Hey, Warren, who gonna be your Valentine this year? 134 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,564 You always battin' them freaky blacks at somebody. 135 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:48,010 No, no. This year, I'm lovin' someone who deserves me- me. 136 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,010 Loser. 137 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,162 - Shut up. - Whatever. 138 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,208 Depressing-ass time of year, you ask me. 139 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:56,805 Motherfucker! 140 00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,330 Shit! 141 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,164 You pissed your pants? 142 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,322 I'm-a go find you a diaper. 143 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,890 Your attention, please. Visiting hours are now open. 144 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:13,328 All prisoners are free to go to the visiting room. 145 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,407 Tomorrow's Florence Henderson's birthday. 146 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:20,960 - What? - Valentine's Day. 147 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,605 Florence Henderson's birthday. 148 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:25,650 We should be having our annual naked Brady-thon celebration... 149 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,371 and I should be doing some kind of a striptease to “Sunshine Day”... 150 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,842 and then maybe something- maybe something with... Wesson oil, if that- 151 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,206 Piper. 152 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:34,611 Hmm? 153 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,484 Hi. 154 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:40,845 Hi. 155 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,410 Hi. 156 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:48,642 I heard about your grandma. 157 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,405 Larry. 158 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:57,209 I want my home. 159 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,722 When I get out of here... 160 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:04,044 I wanna come home. 161 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,360 That's quite the statement. 162 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,570 You sure about that? 163 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,963 Yeah. 164 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:19,530 I'm sure. 165 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,762 Well, I'm not asking you. 166 00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:26,562 I'm asking future Piper... 167 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,642 free Piper. 168 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,405 Can you guarantee that you still will? 169 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:35,051 Future Piper hopes so. 170 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,730 Present Larry can't live on hope. 171 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,690 Wasabi peas and peanut butter pretzels apparently, but not hope. 172 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,649 Please don't mention those things... 173 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:46,848 unless you're hiding some up your butt for me. 174 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,928 Piper. 175 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:58,242 This, uh- This reporter from City Post, Andrew Nance... 176 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:03,929 he, um- he asked me about financial irregularities here. 177 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:08,244 Uh, vendors that don't exist, buildings that were never built. 178 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,721 And I was like, “Fuck that.” 179 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,883 Why should he write it? I'll write it. 180 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,724 Write what? 181 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,529 An article- 182 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,683 with you investigating from the inside. 183 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:23,969 Freedom of the press shouldn't only be a privilege of the free, right? 184 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:25,769 - Oh, my God. - What do you say? 185 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:30,323 Oh, my God. Larry. Jesus Christ. 186 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:31,845 - What? - You're doing it again. 187 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,883 What are you talking about? 188 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:37,009 We'll- We'll fucking expose this place, Piper. 189 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,048 You're the moon, Larry. 190 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,361 You have got to stop being the moon. 191 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,523 - What's wrong with being the moon? - It doesn't have its own light. 192 00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:48,281 Right. So what, that- What, that makes you the sun? 193 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:50,328 Are you the sun, Piper? 194 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,084 Huh? You're the center of the solar system... 195 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,209 and I'm just a dead hunk of crap rock? 196 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,567 How am I supposed to become my own planet, Piper... 197 00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:01,087 when your shit is still everywhere? 198 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,925 Huh? You get to move on. 199 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:09,291 You get to fuck Alex or- or whoever's next, and I am stuck. 200 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:13,490 I'm stuck with your-your- your sweaters and your shoes... 201 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:18,088 and your goddamn Sephora fucking outlet store worth of products. 202 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,288 You are everywhere. 203 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:25,887 It's like living inside a-a sarcophagus. 204 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,726 Well, take my stuff to Polly's if it's so in your way. 205 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:36,081 - And you mean “mausoleum,” not “sarcophagus.” - Don't tell me what I mean! 206 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:44,486 At least people can walk on the moon. 207 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,560 Anyone gets near the sun, they burn right up. 208 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,962 Vee says she's too old. 209 00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,566 Don't believe it for a second. 210 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:01,608 What that woman did to me- 211 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,364 People don't change. 212 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:06,011 Hurry it up, will you! 213 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:08,367 I'm trying, Ma. The sparks are burning my cheeks. 214 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:11,171 Then turn your head. Where's your brother? 215 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,208 He got claustrophobic. 216 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:15,567 He's in the woods guarding the entrance. 217 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,246 I'm just so sad, Mamushka. 218 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,970 I'm sorry she left you, Vasily... 219 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,611 but I'm sure you did something to deserve it. 220 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,569 I used to watch her sleep... 221 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:28,884 and pray for the strength to stop ruining everything, Ma. 222 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,361 And how did that work out for you? 223 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,569 Oh, no work today. Come back tomorrow. 224 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:38,008 - Well, Jack said he would be out here. - I saw him get into a taxi. 225 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,969 A taxi? 226 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,684 Out here? 227 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,529 Imagine that. 228 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,206 Thank you, young lady. 229 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:52,086 Hurry it up, will you! 230 00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:04,686 - Mama! - You and your disgusting whining. 231 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,491 If you want your woman back, go get her. 232 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:09,050 Now hand up the shit. 233 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:11,205 Come on! 234 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:17,371 - When you get out of here- - Mm-hmm. 235 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,125 Who do you imagine yourself going home to? 236 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,123 Fiona Apple in the “Criminal” video. 237 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:23,884 Ah. 238 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:27,089 Stupid question. What about you? 239 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:29,724 I always thought it would be Larry... 240 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:32,451 but I think it's time to reimagine. 241 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:36,684 This stupid fuckin' holiday. 242 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:40,685 Listen. If you want, I can help you forget what day it is. 243 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:44,321 - Yeah, or your name, for that matter. - You know, no. 244 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,528 I am not interested in being a prize- 245 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,922 albeit a shockingly undervalued one- 246 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,288 - in your little sex game. - Fine. 247 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:59,049 I lost my manipulative, gorgeous, psychopath ex... 248 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:03,250 and my sweet, kind... 249 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,483 unfocused fiancé. 250 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,048 I don't have a home anymore. 251 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:11,565 Yeah, Chapman. You do. 252 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,049 This shitpile! 253 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:16,963 Home, sweet home. 254 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:18,565 Look, I gotta say... 255 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,927 your unfocused fiancé's on the right track with this article shit. 256 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:24,209 This is, like, my 20th time trying to fix the short in this panel alone. 257 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:25,805 Nobody's spending money here. 258 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:29,964 Hey. 259 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,804 Gallego said you were looking for me. 260 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:35,930 Oh, Joe. These phone calls- they're amazing. 261 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,684 Listen. 262 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:41,207 I said to keep an eye on him, not fuck him. 263 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,487 It was only in the ass. It don't count. 264 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,369 - I'm telling Mom. - Whoa. 265 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,603 I know. Anyway, it's so interesting, all these lives. 266 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,331 - It's like reading Dickens. - That's good. 267 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,482 Showing initiative. 268 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,847 Maybe it'll help get Fig off my ass. 269 00:15:55,920 --> 00:16:00,164 She asked me to impose a shot quota. It's ridiculous. 270 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,766 I love that you stand up to her. 271 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,886 So, how are things going with, um- 272 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,644 What's his name? 273 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,805 They're not... going. He wore a lot of vests. 274 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,609 Ah. 275 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,650 Well, that- that happens. You- 276 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,247 You know, I- I play in this band. 277 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,891 You're in a band? Wow. 278 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:29,521 Yeah? Yeah. 279 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,171 It's no big deal. I- 280 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,961 We play in town tomorrow night. You wanna come? 281 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,771 Oh, I'm working the Valentine's party. 282 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,090 I'll get you off. 283 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:45,570 I'll-I'll get you off the schedule. 284 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,369 Uh, I- I- 285 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,966 I-I can get your shift covered. l-It's fine. 286 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,008 Well, I do love music. 287 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,765 - That'd be awesome. Thanks. - Great. 288 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:59,330 - I'll see you there then. - Okay. 289 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:08,201 I had this thing with my boss at Long John Silver's... 290 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,523 and then I found out his wife was wicked hot. 291 00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:15,691 That was nice. 292 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,047 “How do you know I'm mad?” said Alice. 293 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:21,920 “You must be,” said the cat, or you wouldn't have come here.” 294 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:25,243 Mmm. Shit. You right. 295 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,926 Lewis Carroll must have gone to prison. 296 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,201 R.J.'s mom was named Alice. 297 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,846 Oh, yeah? She fall down a rabbit hole? 298 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,207 - Nah, a crack hole. - Ah. 299 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:39,124 She found a little rock said “Smoke me” on it. 300 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:42,647 That's- That's not funny. That shit was serious. 301 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,001 “Smoke me.” Man, you a dumb-ass. 302 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:48,447 Jefferson, say good-bye. You're on custodial now. 303 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,045 Already? 304 00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:51,770 Wait. You leavin? 305 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:53,484 Yeah. 306 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,961 Remember I told you Vee was gettin' something together? 307 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,930 But why would you leave the library, man? You know you love it here. 308 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,490 You don't understand. 309 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,004 I owe her. 310 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,245 She could probably get you transferred, I bet. 311 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:11,803 Nah. Nah, I know when I got it good. 312 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,564 Yeah, okay. 313 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,530 Well, I'll see you at dinner. 314 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,450 Sorry. 315 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,330 Okay. 316 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,242 Yeah? 317 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,041 - Just this. - It's on the list. 318 00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:32,690 It's fucking vapor. 319 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:36,526 Give me a break, Eliqua. Caputo's up my ass today. Put it in your car. 320 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,443 Next. 321 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,725 Pat-downs are mandatory now. 322 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,123 I'm just kidding. 323 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,771 I don't wanna touch that peg-leg shit. 324 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:09,002 Happy Valentine's Day. 325 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:10,570 Next. 326 00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:22,565 Look at this shit. 327 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:27,090 You're lucky you're pretty. You know that, right? 328 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,521 What does that one say? 329 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:34,810 Ian. In case he shows up today. I'm stupid. 330 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,451 I'm so glad we're family. 331 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,050 Happy Valentine's Day. 332 00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:05,610 Thanks. 333 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,883 Are you cooking up something special for me today? 334 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:12,928 The house smells great. 335 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,287 That's what you're gonna expect me to do? 336 00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:18,807 Cook for you, be your little housewife, huh? It's not happening. 337 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:22,202 No, no. I- I thought we were playing the- 338 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:23,725 I don't care if you cook. 339 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:28,362 Sorry. I've just been depressed today. 340 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:30,841 I don't wanna play the normal game anymore. 341 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:34,003 'Cause I don't know how we ever are gonna be normal. 342 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:41,767 Just so you know, counselors can be a great resource... 343 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,446 if you need to talk or cry or something. 344 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,761 - Who'd you get? - Healy. 345 00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:48,365 - Oh. - What's wrong? 346 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:52,240 Nothing. I just get the sense that none of the girls really like him. 347 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,721 But you're tough. You'll be fine. 348 00:23:56,320 --> 00:24:00,962 Have you noticed we've been blowing a lot of fuses around here lately? 349 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:03,042 You're just noticing this place is falling apart? 350 00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:06,090 Doesn't the prison have a budget for infrastructure? 351 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,049 Sure. 352 00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:11,408 And what happened to the electrical budget from last quarter? 353 00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:15,530 It went to upgrading the “A” block grid and loading-dock panel. 354 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:18,405 - Really? We did that? - That's what the budget report says. 355 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,608 - So we did it? - Okay. 356 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,125 - So it happened? - Why not? 357 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:24,043 I don't understand. 358 00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:26,441 Trust me, you don't want to. 359 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:28,648 Congratulations. Hour's up. 360 00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:31,564 You just earned another 11 cents. 361 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:41,089 All right, everybody. Dolphin pose. 362 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,842 I think I can help you with the dolphin pose. 363 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,287 The trick is to make sure that your pelvic basin- 364 00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:55,249 Get away from me. 365 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,771 No way. Thanks, Red. 366 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:21,331 Red. Bless you. 367 00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:25,646 Laundry now available for pickup. 368 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:29,611 Now let's return to dolphin pose. 369 00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:33,410 Kukicha tea. 370 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:37,965 Well, look who's back. 371 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:43,689 Sorry to interrupt, girls. 372 00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:46,240 Continue with your... dolphins. 373 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,122 Just bagged a four-pointer. 374 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:01,565 We're almost tied. 375 00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:05,646 Listen up. 376 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,606 This angry nonsense has to stop. 377 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:14,051 We're going to need each other soon. 378 00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:15,804 All of us. 379 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,241 Medical staff, report to the visitation hall. 380 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:32,163 I'm not kidding, Nicky. 381 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:35,441 We have to stick together. 382 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:37,761 We're stronger together. 383 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:39,922 So you try to buy their love back? 384 00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:43,410 Thanks, Red. 385 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:56,328 Why- Why are you asking me that? 386 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,971 You- You shouldn't be talking to me. 387 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,123 You shouldn't be. 388 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,089 Fourteen foot powders. 389 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:05,685 Check. 390 00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:08,604 - Twenty Effergrips. - Check that. 391 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:10,842 Remember when we sold smokes? 392 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,685 God, I swear I'm gonna vote Libertarian. 393 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:15,842 I've gotta run to my car. I'll be right back. 394 00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:24,402 Mind if I step out for a moment? 395 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:26,482 I don't give a shit. 396 00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:34,009 Let me guess. 397 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:36,731 “Yo, Vee, I'm just so mad... 398 00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,525 since y'all got Taystee transferred to custodial. 399 00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:43,446 Just left me in the library with my titties in my hand.” 400 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:45,645 Close? 401 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:49,725 Nah. You left out, "If you get her in trouble, I'll kill you." 402 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:53,930 - Really? - You bet. 403 00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:57,886 - And how would you kill me? - I'll figure it out. 404 00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:01,407 I know she thinks she owes you. 405 00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:05,565 But from what I heard, you're just a bully... 406 00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:08,484 who uses lost kids for her own shit... 407 00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:10,801 and then dumps 'em as soon as the heat comes down. 408 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:13,247 You're a fucking vampire. 409 00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:15,004 There was this kid growing up. 410 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,447 His name was Haro Jones. 411 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:21,324 Oh, he had these arms. 412 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:26,770 I just wanted to lick the length of his arms. 413 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:31,243 Then one day, I walked into the park... 414 00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:34,927 find his hand up Jamela Larkin's skirt. 415 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:36,729 Broke my poor fool heart. 416 00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:39,406 Look, lady, I don't give a fuck about your little stories and- 417 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,006 Taystee... 418 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:44,367 will... 419 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,169 never... 420 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:48,971 love... you. 421 00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:52,407 She will never love you. 422 00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:55,645 Not the way you want. 423 00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:04,721 Yo, I don't want her like that. 424 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:09,805 I'm just looking out for her. That's all. 425 00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:15,287 Corrections officers to “B” block. 426 00:29:15,360 --> 00:29:17,840 Corrections officers to “B” block. 427 00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:32,362 Yo, Pops, some fucking Chinese soldiers was just smoking right outside my window. 428 00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:38,770 I'm so sorry. 429 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:40,564 What? Where's Mom? 430 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:42,563 She's fine. 431 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:45,120 We're being transferred back to the States. 432 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:48,363 I don't know why, but... we are. 433 00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:52,004 What? 434 00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:53,605 I'm sorry. 435 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:57,327 I let you both down, P. 436 00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:01,762 I don't know what to say. 437 00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:19,085 All right. 438 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:30,290 Jesus. 439 00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:46,410 You're out of bounds, Chapman. 440 00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:50,843 Well, I won't tell if you don't. 441 00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:53,685 All first-level trustees check in for kitchen duty. 442 00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:55,762 Treating us like we're prisoners. 443 00:30:57,720 --> 00:31:03,363 Hey. You know, I heard that there were plans to build a gym here. 444 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:06,330 - Do you know what ever happened to that? - What always happens. 445 00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:08,402 I'll take it from here. 446 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:14,883 Just looking for a faulty wire. 447 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:18,009 Then why are you asking Maxwell about a gym? 448 00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:20,367 From what I hear, you're full of questions lately. 449 00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:25,850 You know that I have always been interested in the health and safety of others. 450 00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:28,161 I'm trying to help you with your nana. 451 00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,329 So, again, why are you asking all these questions? 452 00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:43,164 Freedom of the press shouldn't only be a privilege of the free. 453 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:47,285 What the fuck does that mean? 454 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:49,647 What does the press have anything to do with this? 455 00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:54,682 I'm starting a prison newsletter. 456 00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:56,888 - A newsletter? - A newsletter. 457 00:31:58,000 --> 00:31:59,570 A newsletter. 458 00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:04,726 Written by the prisoners with, um, articles... 459 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:07,007 and op-ed pieces. 460 00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:10,527 That is why I've been trying to get out of my bubble and get to know this place. 461 00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:14,161 We- This- This is our home. 462 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:18,126 We should all be communicating more. 463 00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:19,770 Inmates, guards... 464 00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:22,081 administration. 465 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:28,008 This could really, really help us get to know each other... 466 00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:30,890 and this place better. 467 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:37,085 Pending your approval, of course... 468 00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:42,771 Mr. Editor In Chief. 469 00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:44,365 Don't oversell it. 470 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:52,888 - A newsletter. -Mmm. 471 00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:57,210 Okay. I'm not saying yes. 472 00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:00,528 Show me some sample stories by tomorrow. 473 00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:03,126 Tomorrow? Sure. Okay. Yeah. 474 00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:07,402 The girls used to like me. 475 00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:12,570 They will again. 476 00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:18,200 Hey, hey, hey. How my girls doin'? 477 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:25,084 Ooh. 478 00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:27,527 Why you got your famous pouty face on? 479 00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:30,888 I don't understand what you're doing. 480 00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:33,247 Yeah, and how many times have you not understood my methods... 481 00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:35,322 only to have everything be made clear? 482 00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:37,641 Yeah, like when the cops were after R.J.? 483 00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:41,088 Goddamn. You done gone for the nuclear option early. 484 00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:43,925 Why don't you ever wanna talk about R.J.? 485 00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:46,805 Because it's in the past, girl. I live in the now. 486 00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:48,570 So should you. 487 00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:52,565 All damn day, I've been scrubbing toilets, defending you. 488 00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:55,120 - And I don't even believe in you anymore. - Taystee. 489 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:57,601 No! You don't have a plan. 490 00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:00,724 You just wanna prove that you can order me around. 491 00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:03,531 - But, nah, not anymore. - Open the box. 492 00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:05,887 - What? - Open the box. 493 00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:15,408 Man, I told you. I'm done cleaning. 494 00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:18,724 What are you doin'? 495 00:34:20,280 --> 00:34:22,601 What? Tobacco? 496 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:28,607 But where's the cleanser? Where- 497 00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:49,650 It's like getting into a bath. 498 00:34:49,720 --> 00:34:53,202 But the water is like warm chocolate pudding. 499 00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:57,291 And The Smiths are playing “There's a Light That Never Goes Out.” 500 00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:59,931 Oh. There's warm lighting all over... 501 00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:03,402 and there are, like, five dudes massaging you. 502 00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:05,767 And you have a pizza. 503 00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:08,844 She's right. And you also have a pizza. 504 00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:17,644 Hey, I got some hooch from that Greek chick with the beard. 505 00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:25,006 - That's pretty good. - Mm-hmm. 506 00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:26,809 Fischer's out today. 507 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:30,282 Apparently having her woman time. 508 00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:32,806 Oh. Um, where's Joe? 509 00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:36,123 He's out too. Yeah. 510 00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:37,964 Let 'em have their stupid little party... 511 00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:39,610 and then don't put enough muscle on. 512 00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:41,409 So typical. 513 00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:43,960 Bronikowski, leave room for Jesus. 514 00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:46,566 I will shut this thing down in a heartbeat. 515 00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:50,682 You know what's funny? 516 00:35:51,720 --> 00:35:54,849 I'm in a women's prison, but, um... 517 00:35:56,080 --> 00:35:58,401 I don't understand women at all. 518 00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:00,881 I'll tell you something about women, Bennett. 519 00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:04,009 With women, you make 'em think you're meeting them halfway... 520 00:36:04,080 --> 00:36:06,560 when really what you're doing is you're meeting them... 521 00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:09,246 about 10 to 15 percent of the way. 522 00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:13,206 Women are really bad at math. 523 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:14,930 Don't forget that. 524 00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:17,765 I won't, sir. 525 00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:25,924 - Did Jack call yet? - Who? 526 00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:39,084 Listen, Daya. 527 00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:41,527 I know we can't be normal, but- 528 00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:43,204 Shh. 529 00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:46,284 Take me somewhere. Now. 530 00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:58,246 Wow. They're bigger. 531 00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:03,804 Let's go. 532 00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:42,445 What is this? 533 00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:45,445 Yo. 534 00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:49,690 Close your eyes. 535 00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:51,524 - What? Why? - Close 'em. 536 00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:56,564 Open your lips. 537 00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:00,205 Less. 538 00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:01,406 - T.- - Do it. 539 00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:12,165 What? 540 00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:14,208 What's this, a cigarette? 541 00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:17,244 We in business, P. 542 00:38:17,320 --> 00:38:19,402 Vee's got a whole sales plan. 543 00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:22,563 We gettin' paid! I told you. 544 00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:25,405 Next-level Mr. Miyagi shit, son. 545 00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:28,370 Yah, yah, yah, ya-yah! 546 00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:23,410 Well, that was unexpected. 547 00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:25,209 Sorry. 548 00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:27,282 I was in a mood before. 549 00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:31,601 You're the sweetest man. 550 00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:35,090 Here. 551 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,364 Look at the dog. 552 00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:47,962 This is so great. 553 00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:51,528 So was this. 554 00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:53,841 Mmm. Here. 555 00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:59,329 Sneaky, sneaky man. 556 00:40:04,320 --> 00:40:06,641 See? We can be a normal couple. 557 00:40:06,720 --> 00:40:09,690 Except you misspelled “Valentine's.” 558 00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:13,165 No, I didn't. 559 00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:16,170 Mendez did. 560 00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:32,050 Hi. 561 00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:36,761 I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions... 562 00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:38,569 for a newsletter we're starting. 563 00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:40,449 A newsletter. 564 00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:42,682 Okay. Good luck. 565 00:40:42,760 --> 00:40:47,766 So, since it's Valentine's Day... 566 00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:50,087 what is love to you? 567 00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:51,685 How would you define love? 568 00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:54,246 That's a retarded fucking question. 569 00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:57,689 Okay. Um- 570 00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:00,930 How about this? 571 00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:03,485 When was the last time... 572 00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:07,645 you saw any major plumbing work being done around here? 573 00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:09,324 Hmm. 574 00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:12,131 '04, '05 maybe. 575 00:41:12,240 --> 00:41:13,924 '04 or '05. 576 00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:18,847 This fatso named Donna Cusio broke three toilets in one week. 577 00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:22,042 It was a mess, man. 578 00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:27,530 I bet. 579 00:41:28,720 --> 00:41:30,245 Big, big woman. 580 00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:35,042 Inmate 3429 to the infirmary. 581 00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:52,444 I just wanted to call and wish you a happy Valentine's Day. 582 00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:07,728 I learned that for you. 583 00:42:09,720 --> 00:42:12,041 I'm a good man, Katya. 584 00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:14,965 You'll see that. 585 00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:18,731 I'm gonna make you really proud... 586 00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:21,531 to be married to this big galoot. 587 00:42:21,640 --> 00:42:23,324 I swear to- 588 00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:40,048 The fuck you mean there's no Ferris? 589 00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:41,605 No, okay, hear me out. 590 00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:44,729 Ferris is just a projection of Cameron's inability... 591 00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:46,290 to stand up to his domineering father. 592 00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:48,488 But here's the mind fuck. 593 00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:51,006 Cameron never actually leaves his room. 594 00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:53,128 Remember, he's sick. 595 00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:56,170 He invents this idealized self, Ferris... 596 00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:58,242 plus his, like, 30-year-old girlfriend... 597 00:42:58,320 --> 00:43:00,402 and then imagines this epic adventure... 598 00:43:00,480 --> 00:43:02,482 with car chases, parades... 599 00:43:02,600 --> 00:43:04,443 ball games, blah, blah, blah. 600 00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:06,767 So this day off is actually just a day off... 601 00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:08,649 from his rigid coherence to mind/body alignment- 602 00:43:08,720 --> 00:43:10,961 Would you please shut the fuck up? 603 00:43:12,720 --> 00:43:15,485 Sorry. It's just a theory I read. 604 00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:20,881 Next time, just sit on her face. It shuts her right up. 605 00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:23,361 I'll keep that in mind. 606 00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:41,045 Why are you ignoring me? 607 00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:46,449 Why are you ignoring me? Spit it out! Come on! 608 00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:48,961 Look, you've been lording over this group... 609 00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:50,690 like some Hillary Clinton dictator. 610 00:43:50,760 --> 00:43:52,205 - What? - And we wanna be a democracy. 611 00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:53,884 Are you calling me Hillary Clinton? 612 00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:57,321 If the pantsuit fits. 613 00:43:57,400 --> 00:44:00,051 Look, we're done with you. Right? 614 00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:03,771 Y'all are done with me? 615 00:44:03,840 --> 00:44:06,366 That's really funny. That's really funny, Leanne. 616 00:44:06,440 --> 00:44:08,522 'Cause if I'm Hillary Clinton... 617 00:44:08,600 --> 00:44:12,491 then y'all must be some “sister-wife, tweaker, Slurpee-drinkin'... 618 00:44:12,560 --> 00:44:14,324 fourth-grade-readin'-level... 619 00:44:14,400 --> 00:44:19,247 Daddy-on- Cops, trailer trash” nothin'. 620 00:44:19,320 --> 00:44:22,927 And you know what? It's okay, 'cause you ain't even challenged me anyway. 621 00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:25,480 Actually, you know what? None of you did. Not one. 622 00:44:25,600 --> 00:44:28,171 You keep playing tennis with someone worse than you... 623 00:44:28,240 --> 00:44:31,050 and you ain't never gonna get better, so thank you. 624 00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:34,203 - You play tennis? - It's a metaphor, you potato with eyes. 625 00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:37,525 You know what? 626 00:44:37,600 --> 00:44:40,683 Pardon my French, but you can eat my shit. 627 00:44:40,760 --> 00:44:42,762 Whore! Whore! Whore! 628 00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:47,883 Man, that was awkward. 629 00:44:50,600 --> 00:44:52,329 - Angie? - Yeah. 630 00:44:52,400 --> 00:44:54,402 Go get me some punch. 631 00:44:56,480 --> 00:44:58,005 All right. 632 00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:19,767 Great party. 633 00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:23,367 Listen. We are so happy that you and Daya... 634 00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:27,889 are having such fun, special, secret times together. 635 00:45:27,960 --> 00:45:29,086 Oh, uh- 636 00:45:29,160 --> 00:45:31,242 And we really admire you providing for her so well... 637 00:45:31,320 --> 00:45:33,243 you know, despite the circumstances. 638 00:45:33,320 --> 00:45:34,810 We just wanted to let you know... 639 00:45:34,880 --> 00:45:38,566 that we support you 500% with our continued silence. 640 00:45:38,640 --> 00:45:42,087 Considering as such, in your next round of leg-based contraband... 641 00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:45,403 we had a couple requests that could make our aforementioned silence... 642 00:45:45,480 --> 00:45:47,005 a little bit more comfortable. 643 00:45:47,080 --> 00:45:50,687 I mean, I personally request an iPod shuffle, you know... 644 00:45:50,760 --> 00:45:54,287 loaded with Alt and Post-punk, Depeche Mode, Erasure. 645 00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:57,842 And I need Yoo-hoo and ACT fluoride rinse for my teeth. 646 00:45:57,920 --> 00:46:00,969 A cell phone with a camera. Thank you. 647 00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:03,327 Happy Valentine's Day. 648 00:46:03,400 --> 00:46:05,323 - Thanks. - Okay. 649 00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:13,729 That's a fucking low blow even for a filthy sewer rat like you, Nichols. Really? 650 00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:15,882 You told people I have crabs. 651 00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:18,446 You just found out about that? 652 00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:20,488 - It is cheating. - Come on. 653 00:46:20,560 --> 00:46:23,040 A-Rod doesn't cry when he gets plunked in Beantown. 654 00:46:23,120 --> 00:46:25,043 He sucks it up and tries to steal second. 655 00:46:25,120 --> 00:46:27,282 I've been trying to both suck and steal second... 656 00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:29,249 but I can't because everybody thinks I have cooties. 657 00:46:30,760 --> 00:46:33,161 Speaking of a set, how many you got? 658 00:46:33,240 --> 00:46:37,962 Thirty-six, after I gave Pirkle the double shocker in the showers just now. 659 00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:39,644 Really? You Pirkled? 660 00:46:39,720 --> 00:46:41,961 Oh, I Pirkled. And then I Pirkled again. 661 00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:43,485 And? 662 00:46:43,560 --> 00:46:46,609 It was gnarly. It's macro-clit. 663 00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:48,125 It was like blowing a toddler. 664 00:46:48,240 --> 00:46:50,322 - Oh, my God. - It was so uncomfortable. 665 00:46:50,400 --> 00:46:52,209 That's fucking hilarious. 666 00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:55,329 Oh, God. So, 36? 667 00:46:55,400 --> 00:46:57,129 We're tied. 668 00:46:57,200 --> 00:46:59,202 - Yep. - Yeah. 669 00:46:59,280 --> 00:47:01,726 - Have you considered maybe we just stop? - Do you wanna maybe just stop? 670 00:47:01,800 --> 00:47:03,370 - I don't have to. - If you want to. 671 00:47:03,440 --> 00:47:07,411 I'm okay with it. 'Cause we both fucked- 672 00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:08,970 Lots. 673 00:47:09,040 --> 00:47:11,441 Remind me why we did this to ourselves in the first place. 674 00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:13,727 Because I am insanely competitive. 675 00:47:13,800 --> 00:47:16,883 Yeah, and I need to feed my addictive tendencies at all times. 676 00:47:19,440 --> 00:47:21,090 Cookie-eating contest. 677 00:47:21,160 --> 00:47:24,323 Son, have you ever actually seen me? 678 00:47:24,400 --> 00:47:26,289 You are going down! 679 00:47:40,040 --> 00:47:42,725 Thanks, guys. That was for Cora. 680 00:47:42,800 --> 00:47:44,689 We're gonna miss your laugh, Corn-Dog. 681 00:47:44,760 --> 00:47:46,808 And we're gonna take five. 682 00:47:50,240 --> 00:47:52,049 Hey! 683 00:47:52,120 --> 00:47:54,487 You made it. We're just going on break. 684 00:47:54,600 --> 00:47:57,570 Wow. You look so different. 685 00:47:57,640 --> 00:48:00,962 Well, you know, I like to keep things profesh at work. 686 00:48:02,120 --> 00:48:04,168 I saved you a stool with a view. 687 00:48:04,240 --> 00:48:06,049 Oh. Actually, we're gonna need a table. 688 00:48:06,120 --> 00:48:07,690 I didn't know you were coming. 689 00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:09,649 You heard me say it sounded fun. 690 00:48:09,720 --> 00:48:12,041 I hope you don't mind. I told some of the guys about your show. 691 00:48:12,120 --> 00:48:13,849 I almost didn't make it. Get this. 692 00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:17,003 The sellers are now refusing to drop the replacement contingency. 693 00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:18,804 Would you shut up about real estate? 694 00:48:18,880 --> 00:48:21,360 I asked you to move in with me and you said no... 695 00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:23,647 so you have no talking rights here. 696 00:48:23,720 --> 00:48:27,202 This is nice. Like a double date. 697 00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:28,725 - We're not together. - We're not together. 698 00:48:28,840 --> 00:48:30,888 Actually, we're gonna need another chair. 699 00:48:30,960 --> 00:48:32,485 Why? 700 00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:39,888 You look like the gay Edge. 701 00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:45,321 Hey. 702 00:48:59,520 --> 00:49:02,126 It's like you become more you... 703 00:49:02,200 --> 00:49:05,443 which... normally is like- 704 00:49:07,200 --> 00:49:10,124 But... now it's okay... 705 00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:13,761 because the person, like... 706 00:49:15,720 --> 00:49:17,927 whoever... 707 00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:21,402 they chose to take all that on. 708 00:49:21,520 --> 00:49:23,204 All that weird stuff. 709 00:49:23,280 --> 00:49:28,446 Whatever's wrong or bad or hiding in you... 710 00:49:28,520 --> 00:49:30,568 suddenly, it's all right. 711 00:49:32,160 --> 00:49:35,243 You don't feel like such a freak anymore. 712 00:49:37,720 --> 00:49:39,245 Larry. 713 00:49:40,720 --> 00:49:42,722 Would the moon do this? 714 00:49:46,960 --> 00:49:50,043 I won! 715 00:49:53,320 --> 00:49:55,721 Larry. Good to see you, mate. 716 00:49:55,800 --> 00:49:58,565 Ooh! Sorry about the stink. I killed a caribou. 717 00:49:58,680 --> 00:50:00,808 Less gamy marinated in pineapple juice. 718 00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:02,928 Also makes your spunk taste good. 719 00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:05,207 So you're in luck, babe. Mwah. 720 00:50:05,280 --> 00:50:06,850 What's that? 721 00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:08,843 Oh. It's, uh- 722 00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:10,490 It's Piper's stuff. 723 00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:12,164 Oh, brother. Come on. 724 00:50:12,240 --> 00:50:15,164 We were just heading out for some ramen. We have a babysitter. 725 00:50:15,280 --> 00:50:16,805 I'll leave these with the doorman. 726 00:50:16,880 --> 00:50:19,770 - Pete, really, I should- - It's Valentine's Day, asshole. 727 00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:21,444 Come join us. 728 00:50:31,880 --> 00:50:33,609 Ooh! Ha! 729 00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:44,323 Um- 730 00:50:44,400 --> 00:50:47,051 I... found this in your trash. 731 00:50:47,120 --> 00:50:49,088 What is this? 732 00:50:52,840 --> 00:50:55,810 This is the guy you're always talking about? 733 00:50:57,360 --> 00:50:59,010 Mmm. 734 00:50:59,080 --> 00:51:01,731 I know something about lovin' people... 735 00:51:01,800 --> 00:51:04,451 who aren't smart enough to wanna be loved back. 736 00:51:04,520 --> 00:51:07,569 But I learned a secret that I can tell you. 737 00:51:07,640 --> 00:51:09,802 They don't deserve it. 738 00:51:14,320 --> 00:51:17,449 He's ruined this day for me forever. 739 00:51:17,520 --> 00:51:20,091 Nobody knows that we're not together. 740 00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:22,970 Yeah. But you do. 741 00:51:30,000 --> 00:51:32,446 I do. I do know. 742 00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:41,043 You know what is crazy? 743 00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:44,687 I still wanna believe in all of this stuff... 744 00:51:44,760 --> 00:51:47,923 even after everything that's happened. 745 00:51:49,560 --> 00:51:51,722 Isn't that sad? 746 00:51:51,800 --> 00:51:53,609 Oh, no. 747 00:51:53,680 --> 00:51:56,047 I think that's brave. 748 00:51:57,360 --> 00:51:59,249 Thank you. 749 00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:14,809 Seriously. 750 00:52:14,880 --> 00:52:18,521 Do you think I should get fake tits? 751 00:52:20,640 --> 00:52:23,689 Yeah. Probably. 752 00:52:31,680 --> 00:52:33,921 Asshole. 753 00:52:36,120 --> 00:52:38,566 You know what gets me? 754 00:52:38,640 --> 00:52:43,441 We're wasting the best years of our lives in here. 755 00:52:43,520 --> 00:52:46,683 Like, our tits are never gonna look better. 756 00:52:46,760 --> 00:52:50,401 Our asses are never gonna look better. 757 00:52:50,520 --> 00:52:52,887 You know, no one's touching my ass. 758 00:52:52,960 --> 00:52:55,088 No one's kissing my lips. 759 00:52:56,360 --> 00:52:57,850 Shit. 760 00:52:58,840 --> 00:53:00,842 I'll kiss your dumb lips. 761 00:53:07,760 --> 00:53:09,285 Do it again. 762 00:53:30,640 --> 00:53:33,723 No. No. 763 00:53:35,240 --> 00:53:36,765 Come here. 764 00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:04,242 Yo, P., come and show these fools how to cabbage patch for real. 765 00:54:04,320 --> 00:54:05,560 Nah, I'm good. 766 00:54:05,640 --> 00:54:08,007 - Man, don't act like everything fine. - Yo! 767 00:54:08,080 --> 00:54:11,448 I don't interrupt you when you going to town on a bunch of spaghetti. Damn. 768 00:54:11,560 --> 00:54:15,326 Yo, why don't you head on back to old Erykah Badu over there? 769 00:54:16,960 --> 00:54:18,689 I'm gonna forget you said that. 770 00:54:18,760 --> 00:54:21,843 I don't give a fuck what you forget or remember. 771 00:54:22,960 --> 00:54:25,850 Aw, shit. Great. Thanks a lot, man. 772 00:54:32,840 --> 00:54:34,365 Poussey. 773 00:54:36,640 --> 00:54:38,847 Hey! 774 00:54:39,680 --> 00:54:41,170 Hey! 775 00:54:41,240 --> 00:54:43,049 - Well? - We're not leaving. 776 00:54:43,120 --> 00:54:45,282 - Talk to the Americans. - Fuck you. 777 00:54:45,360 --> 00:54:48,921 Fuck you, man. This is your doing. You. 778 00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:51,844 Been drinking, little girl? 779 00:54:51,920 --> 00:54:54,685 You don't get to decide what happens to my life. 780 00:54:54,760 --> 00:54:56,683 Not you. 781 00:54:56,760 --> 00:54:58,728 I love her. 782 00:55:01,880 --> 00:55:04,611 And that is why you're going home. 783 00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:10,531 I'm done. I'm not going anywhere. 784 00:55:16,280 --> 00:55:18,442 Pardon us, Oberstleutnant. 785 00:55:20,200 --> 00:55:22,089 Enjoy your ice cream. 786 00:55:22,160 --> 00:55:23,844 You know, there are programs... 787 00:55:23,920 --> 00:55:28,562 that can change your daughter's... confused predilections. 788 00:55:29,760 --> 00:55:31,250 Thanks. 789 00:55:32,160 --> 00:55:33,685 But she's fine. 790 00:55:57,880 --> 00:55:59,530 Fun party. 791 00:55:59,600 --> 00:56:02,922 A party with no men, booze, real food or drugs. 792 00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:05,890 Good thing we're too old for any trouble. 793 00:56:07,040 --> 00:56:08,690 Right. 794 00:56:08,800 --> 00:56:10,450 How's the gardening going? 795 00:56:14,360 --> 00:56:18,445 Once the thaw comes, we'll really get going. 796 00:56:18,560 --> 00:56:21,131 Now, I'd ask you to join, but... 797 00:56:22,120 --> 00:56:24,885 you clearly have your own hobbies. 798 00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:27,770 We gotta have people. 799 00:56:27,840 --> 00:56:31,128 You know this will not end well. 800 00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:08,002 What about you, Chapman? 801 00:58:09,440 --> 00:58:12,364 It's like coming home after a long trip. 802 00:58:17,680 --> 00:58:19,682 That's what love is like. 803 00:58:22,680 --> 00:58:24,409 It's like coming home. 804 00:58:28,200 --> 00:58:29,770 Thanks for asking. 805 00:59:42,200 --> 00:59:50,200 Ripped By mstoll