GOSPEL
Most people only go to church on Christmas and Easter.
We're all usually too hung over to go.
But we always try to make it when they have cheap food and games.
Hey, dum-dums,
I'm hungered.
Me and Randy were eating that.
You'll have to excuse Joy. She hasn't been winning any prizes.
The only booth she's doing well at is the wine tasting one.
How are you supposed to win anything when the church has Jesus on their side?
You don't think he's the one bouncing those Ping-Pong balls
off the rims of the goldfish bowls?
I won two games and the grand prize in the raffle...
AM/FM radio headphones.
Well, congratulations, Slutty Gonzales.
You can listen to the radio on the bus.
We have a car.
It's time to go.
Okay, fine. Give me the keys.
You've had 25 Dixie cups of wine.
Some of those I threw up. Now, give me the keys.
I hate you.
I'm walking.
Very well, then.
These are the days I'm actually glad you stole her away from me, Crab Man.
I'm glad every day.
Joy's shoe was the first thing she lost on her drunk walk home.
The second was her mind.
Oh, snap.
I killed her!
Joy panicked and made a beeline to an abandoned shed.
Well, a beeline if the bee was drunk.
Holy God! I thought you were dead!
And what if I was?
You were just going to leave my body to lay here and rot in some dirty shed?
I was going to pull out all your teeth and just...
light everything on fire.
But I don't have to do that now because you're alive.
So, now this will just be a funny story we tell people.
It's a real funny story. I can't wait to tell the police.
Damn it. Move this thing back, so I can get out.
I got two kids
and two strikes.
I can't go to jail.
You can scream all you want to, but nobody's going to hear you.
That was loud. I heard you.
But that's because I was pretty close to the shed when you were screaming.
So, what I should have said
is, "You can scream all you want, and nobody's going to hear you,
"except for me when I'm walking away,
"and once I'm far enough away, I won't hear you anymore."
That is a more accurate statement
about who will and will not hear your screaming.
That psychic was right...
I am going to die in a shack, pinned to the wall by a lawn mower.
Me and Randy promised each other after we lost 50 bucks at the can toss,
we'd walk away.
So, we did.
Does that guy look familiar to you?
Come on. It's for a good cause.
Give back to your community,
and take a shot at Satan.
Yo, man! You got to warn me!
Randy was right to think he looked familiar.
He was #35 on my list.
A few years back, me and Randy heard you could make a fortune
selling organs on the black market.
At the time, we didn't know they were talking about livers.
Hello, sir.
We're here to pick up the organ for routine maintenance.
We're trustworthy.
- Come on, Randy. - I don't know, Earl.
He's a man of God, he can summon the creatures of the earth to attack us.
You keep saying that, but if I remember correctly,
that theory was given to you by a cricket when you were drunk.
Besides, I'm a man of Karma.
I have to trust that it's telling me the right thing to do.
Gentlemen, like to take a shot for a dollar?
It depends. Who's that supposed to be?
Are you serious? It's the devil.
I always thought he'd be taller.
Reverend, I'm just going to cut to the chase here.
I stole your organ.
We both did actually.
Thanks, Earl. He usually doesn't give me credit.
So I told him all about my list and how I turned my life around,
and then I learned that me and the reverend weren't that different.
I've been there before.
They used to call me Hash Brown.
I used to roam the streets of Camden waiting for somebody to look at me wrong
just so I could grind their face up like some hash browns.
Anyway, I was a pretty bad dude.
Turns out, shooting at the devil wasn't the first time he had used gun.
I'll ask you one more time.
Is my niece Kiki invited to your daughter's birthday party?
So I know what it's like to get your life back on track.
Let us pray.
Heavenly Father,
thank you for providing me with this test of forgiveness
so I can prove my services to you.
Don't worry, I can get that organ back from the people I sold it to.
I hear it survived the circus fire in perfect condition.
Clowns tried to put that fire out, but all they had
was confetti in their buckets, and that just made it worse.
They thought they were going to be heroes.
Me and Randy weren't the only ones trying to fix mistakes.
Hey, girlfriend! How did you sleep?
Pinned to the wall, you bitch.
Still a little upset. Understandable.
You haven't eaten in a day. Brought you some snacks.
Forgot the drink, though.
How thoughtful.
So...
Have you changed your mind about calling the cops?
Hell, no.
Is it because I forgot the drink? I'll be back.
Please don't leave me here again.
I won't call the police. I promise.
We returned the organ
and cleared the burnt clown confetti out of the pipes.
Do it again.
All right. One more time.
My name is Randy Hickey
and I love to smell my shoes.
Hallelujah.
Life is good.
The guy who plays Satan in my shooting gallery
dropped the lawsuit and now the church's organ is back.
We're all settled up.
Awesome. 'Cause Randy had sort of worn out
the "Earl, stop playing with your organ," jokes.
It's funny.
I'll just grab my tools and be on my way.
Hold on a second.
These are my tools. Where did you buy these?
Wait, these are your tools?
Have my initials on them.
Look, I could lie to you,
and I kind of want to
'cause you already had to forgiven me once, but...
It looks like you're on my list twice.
Back when I was a petty thief, I used to steal things that were, well,
petty.
And I used to do things that were kind of petty, too.
Randy, check this out.
Get me out of here!
It landed door-down.
I had to kick my way out through the emptying hatch.
I swore whoever had done this,
I was going to take them and put them six feet under.
But that was Hash Brown, and he's dead to us, right?
- Right? - Right.
Right, I'm different now.
Let us pray!
Dear Lord,
thank you for this glorious test.
You're bringing it.
This is some good stuff. You are bringing it.
Squeezy hand. Hurts a little.
Because, Lord, you know what the old me would have done.
I would have cut open the big one. Then I'd have knocked out the little,
then put the little inside the big
then sewed up the big one, then I would have waited
and listened for the little one to scream
as he woke up inside his own brother.
But not now, Lord.
I've changed!
Hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.
I'm a better man because of you, God.
I said Amen.
But don't worry, Reverend. I'll make up for this, too.
If you really want to make it up,
we need volunteers for Sunday service.
Of course. We'd love to.
Okay, promise me you won't be mad.
Thank God, Crab Man. Get me out of here.
Your wife ran me over with this mower and has kept me pinned here for days.
We have to call the police.
See? I knew it! You lied to me!
- You are going to tell the cops. - Of course I'm going to, you lunatic.
- Liar! - Lunatic!
Shut up, everybody! Shut up! I got to think.
I got two strikes.
I can't go to jail for the rest of my life, baby.
I've used every trick I have to keep you from getting that third strike.
Framed Dodge's principal. Free crabs for the Asian meter maid.
Replaced the panda at the zoo.
Think before you get thrown in the Big House
and I'm left with the boys.
If you don't move this lawn mower soon, you're both going to jail,
I sell my story to Hollywood,
they'll make a movie starring J. Lo as me,
and Sally Struthers as you.
I told you not to drive drunk,
but no, you couldn't listen to me.
You do what you want, when you want.
'Cause all that matters to you is that you're happy.
Well, I hope you're happy now. 'Cause we're gonna have to kill her.
What?
Darnell, I know I said I wanted your help,
but we can't kill her!
Maybe we can cut out her tongue, but we can't kill her!
There's nothing we can say to her to convince her not to go to the cops.
I was taught a very specific moral hierarchy...
God, family, country.
Strippers who threaten my wife are not on my list.
We've got no choice. We have to kill her.
- Do I have a say in this? - No.
But we've been friends for almost ten years.
And I like you, but I've killed people I've liked way more than you.
I came to you for help because you're always the voice of reason!
I still am.
Now, you need to shut your hole and start digging one.
When I agreed to help with the Sunday service,
I thought I'd be handing out the crackers. I was wrong.
Forgiveness!
That's right, ladies and gentlemen. It's an easy thing to say,
but it's a hard thing to do.
Meet my friend here.
Hi, my name is White.
I mean, Earl.
Now, this man has done some pretty terrible things to me.
Earl didn't have to come down here and confess, but he did.
He told the truth and let it out.
And I forgave him.
You see, that there is a twofold test that God has laid before us.
Can you confess your sins
and can you forgive the sins of others?
Now, you know that you done done something to somebody.
And you also know that somebody
has done something to you.
But what God is saying,
he wants you to let it out!
He doesn't want you to let it
fester all in your gut,
all in your soul,
down in your body, in your bones.
He wants you to let it out!
A lot of times,
when I ask people how they're doing,
I don't really listen to their answer.
I forgive you. Do the church forgive her?
We forgive you!
I hate kids!
- Daddy? - I just love sex.
I forgive you. Do the church forgive him?
We forgive you!
I touched a boob on that statue outside.
We forgive you!
It is me who's been farting all service.
We forgive you!
I have something to confess.
My lovely wife, Jackie.
I slept with Earl.
You did what?
- We forgive you! - No! Shut up!
You slept with my wife?
Apparently so.
About ten years back, me and Randy figured out
that prison is a great place to pick up chicks.
You just had to do it right.
Thank you so much for getting me out of jail
and back home to care for my sad, lonely wife.
No need to thank me, son. That's what I do.
I'm a prisoner's advocate.
There is one thing I don't understand.
You are expensive because you are the best,
but how could my wife afford your services?
We are so poor.
She had relations with me.
- I know you must be mad... - Nope.
I'm so relieved to be out of prison that I forgive her.
In fact, I would be angry if she hadn't done everything she could.
Thanks again.
Enjoy your glorious freedom.
Excuse me.
Can you really help get a prisoner released?
I'll do my best.
Well, you are kind of cute.
Good night, Eddie.
So, while I was in prison,
you were grinding on Jeff Foxworthy over here?
Reverend,
first of all, thank you about Jeff Foxworthy.
And regarding your wife,
if it makes you feel better,
it only happened in your house once.
Let us pray.
Oh, Lord,
please give me the strength to forgive this...
lowlife piece of scum.
Because you know what
Hash Brown would've done to a man who stole his woman.
Please give me the strength!
You seem pretty strong to me.
Oh, Lord, I think I'm failing this test!
Please, help me, Lord!
Yeah, please do help him.
Okay, Lord,
you want me to be Hash Brown, that's why you're not helping me.
Fine! You want me to be Hash Brown?!
I'll be Hash Brown!
You know,
sometimes it's hard to interpret God's...
I didn't tell you to get up!
He had turned into Hash Brown, all right.
And not just the violence.
You're the one that convinced me to stop selling crack
but the way I see it,
you owe me ten years of lost income.
So, I'm taking some stuff.
I'm taking this candlestick.
I can probably get something for this.
This thing, uh,
this is worth some money.
I'm also gonna take those coats in the lost and found.
And this!
Give me this!
Hash Brown is back!
- Reverend Greene! - Say another word and I will kill you.
- But... - I will kill you!
Son of a bitch.
That truck was the last thing I wanted to see at that moment,
'cause that meant the reverend was on my list yet again:
#172.
A while back, me and Randy had snuck into a magic show and
we were wowed by a trick that involved catching a bullet in your hand.
Naturally, we decided to give it a shot.
After a case of beer.
All right, Randy. Abracadabra!
Oh, crap, I missed your hand and blew out that guy's taillight.
Let's get out of here before we get in trouble.
You didn't miss, I caught the bullet.
I can feel it in my hand, it's hot!
And bloody.
Oh, God.
Reverend, look,
I know you said you'd kill me if I said another word but...
- Yep, and you just said about eight. - I was scared,
but just 'cause the reverend had lost his faith in God,
didn't mean I had lost my faith in Karma.
A few years back I shot out the taillight of your truck.
Make it quick!
You broke that taillight?
Reverend Greene got pulled over for having a busted taillight,
but the cops forgot about that
once they looked in the back of his truck.
AK-47s, cop killer bullets, plastic explosives.
Fine, those are all legal in this state.
But black market flu shots?
I guess public safety means nothing to you.
That night I got pulled over
I was supposed to meet up with my gang.
We were selling some flu shots and some dynamite
to a Dominican gang with the sniffles.
But it all went bad.
Somebody pulled a tissue and one of my guys thought it was a gun.
All hell broke loose.
By the time the smoke cleared,
everybody in my crew was dead.
I don't get it.
If you hadn't broken that taillight, I would've ended up a dark blob
in a bunch of body parts and Dominican snot.
All this time I've been thinking God wanted me
to forgive you for ruining my life.
But what he wanted...
was me to thank you for saving it.
God, huh?
What can you say about that guy, isn't he something?
Brothers and sisters, I'm sorry.
We forgive you!
Me and the reverend had been tested,
and sure, he had strayed from his path,
but that's the cool thing about having a path.
Even when you get lost,
it's still there waiting for you to find your way back.
I'm not doing this to scare you. I'm doing this so it will hurt less.
Thank you.
You may want to turn away.
I do apologize for this.
I promise to put flowers on your shallow unmarked grave.
I couldn't let it happen.
I want the Lifetime movie they make about me to be for something good.
Not because I let my husband murder an immigrant in a shed.
You saved my life.
As a "thank you" you can tell the cops
I'm headed to Mexico since I'm going to Canada.
Our white neighbors to the north.
How about as a "thank you" I don't tell the cops anything at all?
Seriously?
Anyone who gives their husband a concussion to save me
from getting my throat slit is okay by me.
That's why I'm still friends with my bitchy cousin Judy.
I forgive you for all of this, Joy.
I forgive you.
Thank you so much!
I knew if I hugged you
you would smell like burritos and stripper pole.
Tease all you want.
Now I know you love me.
Feygnasse Team Jarick & loky