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GOSPEL
2
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Most people only go to church
on Christmas and Easter.
3
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We're all usually
too hung over to go.
4
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But we always try to make it
when they have cheap food and games.
5
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Hey, dum-dums,
6
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I'm hungered.
7
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Me and Randy were eating that.
8
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You'll have to excuse Joy.
She hasn't been winning any prizes.
9
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The only booth she's doing well at
is the wine tasting one.
10
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How are you supposed to win anything
when the church has Jesus on their side?
11
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You don't think he's the one
bouncing those Ping-Pong balls
12
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off the rims of the goldfish bowls?
13
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I won two games
and the grand prize in the raffle...
14
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AM/FM radio headphones.
15
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Well, congratulations,
Slutty Gonzales.
16
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You can listen
to the radio on the bus.
17
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We have a car.
18
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It's time to go.
19
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Okay, fine. Give me the keys.
20
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You've had 25 Dixie cups of wine.
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Some of those I threw up.
Now, give me the keys.
22
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I hate you.
23
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I'm walking.
24
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Very well, then.
25
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These are the days I'm actually glad
you stole her away from me, Crab Man.
26
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I'm glad every day.
27
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Joy's shoe was the first thing
she lost on her drunk walk home.
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The second was her mind.
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Oh, snap.
30
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I killed her!
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Joy panicked and made a beeline
to an abandoned shed.
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Well, a beeline
if the bee was drunk.
33
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Holy God! I thought you were dead!
34
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And what if I was?
35
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You were just going to leave my body
to lay here and rot in some dirty shed?
36
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I was going to pull out
all your teeth and just...
37
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light everything on fire.
38
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But I don't have to do that now
because you're alive.
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So, now this will just be
a funny story we tell people.
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It's a real funny story.
I can't wait to tell the police.
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Damn it.
Move this thing back, so I can get out.
42
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I got two kids
43
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and two strikes.
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I can't go to jail.
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You can scream all you want to,
but nobody's going to hear you.
46
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That was loud. I heard you.
47
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But that's because I was pretty close
to the shed when you were screaming.
48
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So, what I should have said
49
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is, "You can scream all you want,
and nobody's going to hear you,
50
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"except for me
when I'm walking away,
51
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"and once I'm far enough away,
I won't hear you anymore."
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That is a more accurate statement
53
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about who will and will not
hear your screaming.
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That psychic was right...
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I am going to die in a shack,
pinned to the wall by a lawn mower.
56
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Me and Randy promised each other
after we lost 50 bucks at the can toss,
57
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we'd walk away.
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So, we did.
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Does that guy look familiar to you?
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Come on.
It's for a good cause.
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Give back to your community,
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and take a shot at Satan.
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Yo, man! You got to warn me!
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Randy was right
to think he looked familiar.
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He was #35 on my list.
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A few years back, me and Randy heard
you could make a fortune
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selling organs on the black market.
68
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At the time, we didn't know
they were talking about livers.
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Hello, sir.
70
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We're here to pick up the organ
for routine maintenance.
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We're trustworthy.
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- Come on, Randy.
- I don't know, Earl.
73
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He's a man of God, he can summon
the creatures of the earth to attack us.
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You keep saying that,
but if I remember correctly,
75
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that theory was given to you
by a cricket when you were drunk.
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Besides, I'm a man of Karma.
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I have to trust that it's telling me
the right thing to do.
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Gentlemen,
like to take a shot for a dollar?
79
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It depends.
Who's that supposed to be?
80
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Are you serious? It's the devil.
81
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I always thought he'd be taller.
82
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Reverend, I'm just going to cut
to the chase here.
83
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I stole your organ.
84
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We both did actually.
85
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Thanks, Earl.
He usually doesn't give me credit.
86
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So I told him all about my list
and how I turned my life around,
87
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and then I learned that me
and the reverend weren't that different.
88
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I've been there before.
89
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They used to call me Hash Brown.
90
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I used to roam the streets of Camden
waiting for somebody to look at me wrong
91
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just so I could grind their face up
like some hash browns.
92
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Anyway, I was a pretty bad dude.
93
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Turns out, shooting at the devil
wasn't the first time he had used gun.
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I'll ask you one more time.
95
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Is my niece Kiki invited
to your daughter's birthday party?
96
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So I know what it's like
to get your life back on track.
97
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Let us pray.
98
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Heavenly Father,
99
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thank you for providing me
with this test of forgiveness
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so I can prove my services to you.
101
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Don't worry, I can get that organ back
from the people I sold it to.
102
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I hear it survived the circus fire
in perfect condition.
103
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Clowns tried to put that fire out,
but all they had
104
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was confetti in their buckets,
and that just made it worse.
105
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They thought
they were going to be heroes.
106
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Me and Randy weren't
the only ones trying to fix mistakes.
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Hey, girlfriend! How did you sleep?
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Pinned to the wall, you bitch.
109
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Still a little upset.
Understandable.
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You haven't eaten in a day.
Brought you some snacks.
111
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Forgot the drink, though.
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How thoughtful.
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So...
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Have you changed your mind
about calling the cops?
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Hell, no.
116
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Is it because I forgot the drink?
I'll be back.
117
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Please don't leave me here again.
118
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I won't call the police. I promise.
119
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We returned the organ
120
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and cleared the burnt clown confetti
out of the pipes.
121
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Do it again.
122
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All right. One more time.
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My name is Randy Hickey
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and I love to smell my shoes.
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Hallelujah.
126
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Life is good.
127
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The guy who plays Satan
in my shooting gallery
128
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dropped the lawsuit
and now the church's organ is back.
129
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We're all settled up.
130
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Awesome.
'Cause Randy had sort of worn out
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the "Earl, stop playing
with your organ," jokes.
132
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It's funny.
133
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I'll just grab my tools
and be on my way.
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Hold on a second.
135
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These are my tools.
Where did you buy these?
136
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Wait, these are your tools?
137
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Have my initials on them.
138
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Look, I could lie to you,
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and I kind of want to
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'cause you already had
to forgiven me once, but...
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It looks like
you're on my list twice.
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Back when I was a petty thief,
I used to steal things that were, well,
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petty.
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And I used to do things
that were kind of petty, too.
145
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Randy, check this out.
146
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Get me out of here!
147
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It landed door-down.
148
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I had to kick my way out
through the emptying hatch.
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I swore whoever had done this,
150
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I was going to take them
and put them six feet under.
151
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But that was Hash Brown,
and he's dead to us, right?
152
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- Right?
- Right.
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Right, I'm different now.
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Let us pray!
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Dear Lord,
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thank you for this glorious test.
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You're bringing it.
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This is some good stuff.
You are bringing it.
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Squeezy hand. Hurts a little.
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Because, Lord, you know
what the old me would have done.
161
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I would have cut open the big one.
Then I'd have knocked out the little,
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then put the little inside the big
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then sewed up the big one,
then I would have waited
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and listened
for the little one to scream
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as he woke up
inside his own brother.
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But not now, Lord.
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I've changed!
168
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Hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.
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I'm a better man
because of you, God.
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I said Amen.
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But don't worry, Reverend.
I'll make up for this, too.
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If you really want to make it up,
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we need volunteers
for Sunday service.
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Of course. We'd love to.
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Okay, promise me you won't be mad.
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Thank God, Crab Man.
Get me out of here.
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Your wife ran me over with this mower
and has kept me pinned here for days.
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We have to call the police.
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See? I knew it! You lied to me!
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- You are going to tell the cops.
- Of course I'm going to, you lunatic.
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- Liar!
- Lunatic!
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Shut up, everybody!
Shut up! I got to think.
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I got two strikes.
184
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I can't go to jail
for the rest of my life, baby.
185
00:10:03,895 --> 00:10:07,077
I've used every trick I have to keep you
from getting that third strike.
186
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Framed Dodge's principal.
Free crabs for the Asian meter maid.
187
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Replaced the panda at the zoo.
188
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Think before you get thrown
in the Big House
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and I'm left with the boys.
190
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If you don't move this lawn mower soon,
you're both going to jail,
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I sell my story to Hollywood,
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they'll make a movie
starring J. Lo as me,
193
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and Sally Struthers as you.
194
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I told you not to drive drunk,
195
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but no, you couldn't listen to me.
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You do what you want, when you want.
197
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'Cause all that matters to you
is that you're happy.
198
00:10:35,005 --> 00:10:37,719
Well, I hope you're happy now.
'Cause we're gonna have to kill her.
199
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What?
200
00:10:42,005 --> 00:10:43,869
Darnell, I know I said
I wanted your help,
201
00:10:43,994 --> 00:10:45,441
but we can't kill her!
202
00:10:45,566 --> 00:10:48,313
Maybe we can cut out her tongue,
but we can't kill her!
203
00:10:48,501 --> 00:10:51,422
There's nothing we can say to her
to convince her not to go to the cops.
204
00:10:51,547 --> 00:10:53,486
I was taught
a very specific moral hierarchy...
205
00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:55,161
God, family, country.
206
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Strippers who threaten my wife
are not on my list.
207
00:10:57,820 --> 00:10:59,533
We've got no choice.
We have to kill her.
208
00:10:59,879 --> 00:11:01,743
- Do I have a say in this?
- No.
209
00:11:01,939 --> 00:11:04,037
But we've been friends
for almost ten years.
210
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,915
And I like you, but I've killed people
I've liked way more than you.
211
00:11:10,046 --> 00:11:12,963
I came to you for help because
you're always the voice of reason!
212
00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:13,982
I still am.
213
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:16,883
Now, you need to shut your hole
and start digging one.
214
00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:24,068
When I agreed to help
with the Sunday service,
215
00:11:24,193 --> 00:11:26,977
I thought I'd be handing out
the crackers. I was wrong.
216
00:11:27,289 --> 00:11:28,389
Forgiveness!
217
00:11:30,653 --> 00:11:33,727
That's right, ladies and gentlemen.
It's an easy thing to say,
218
00:11:34,265 --> 00:11:36,165
but it's a hard thing to do.
219
00:11:37,198 --> 00:11:38,698
Meet my friend here.
220
00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:43,085
Hi, my name is White.
221
00:11:44,050 --> 00:11:45,200
I mean, Earl.
222
00:11:45,883 --> 00:11:49,082
Now, this man has done
some pretty terrible things to me.
223
00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:52,377
Earl didn't have to come down here
and confess, but he did.
224
00:11:52,944 --> 00:11:54,880
He told the truth and let it out.
225
00:11:55,135 --> 00:11:56,535
And I forgave him.
226
00:11:56,987 --> 00:12:00,991
You see, that there is a twofold test
that God has laid before us.
227
00:12:01,441 --> 00:12:03,564
Can you confess your sins
228
00:12:04,097 --> 00:12:06,597
and can you forgive
the sins of others?
229
00:12:07,237 --> 00:12:10,537
Now, you know that you done
done something to somebody.
230
00:12:11,566 --> 00:12:14,455
And you also know that somebody
231
00:12:14,879 --> 00:12:16,526
has done something to you.
232
00:12:18,009 --> 00:12:19,659
But what God is saying,
233
00:12:20,131 --> 00:12:21,981
he wants you to let it out!
234
00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:24,318
He doesn't want you to let it
235
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fester all in your gut,
236
00:12:26,252 --> 00:12:27,565
all in your soul,
237
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down in your body, in your bones.
238
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He wants you to let it out!
239
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:34,816
A lot of times,
240
00:12:34,941 --> 00:12:37,001
when I ask people how they're doing,
241
00:12:37,133 --> 00:12:39,216
I don't really listen
to their answer.
242
00:12:39,627 --> 00:12:41,676
I forgive you.
Do the church forgive her?
243
00:12:42,144 --> 00:12:43,428
We forgive you!
244
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:44,697
I hate kids!
245
00:12:45,319 --> 00:12:47,490
- Daddy?
- I just love sex.
246
00:12:48,951 --> 00:12:51,436
I forgive you.
Do the church forgive him?
247
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:52,854
We forgive you!
248
00:12:53,629 --> 00:12:56,179
I touched a boob
on that statue outside.
249
00:12:56,569 --> 00:12:58,122
We forgive you!
250
00:13:00,048 --> 00:13:02,598
It is me who's been farting
all service.
251
00:13:02,825 --> 00:13:04,075
We forgive you!
252
00:13:04,503 --> 00:13:06,284
I have something to confess.
253
00:13:06,504 --> 00:13:08,078
My lovely wife, Jackie.
254
00:13:08,564 --> 00:13:09,663
I slept with Earl.
255
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:11,915
You did what?
256
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,667
- We forgive you!
- No! Shut up!
257
00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:16,820
You slept with my wife?
258
00:13:17,719 --> 00:13:18,919
Apparently so.
259
00:13:19,311 --> 00:13:21,533
About ten years back,
me and Randy figured out
260
00:13:21,658 --> 00:13:23,962
that prison is a great place
to pick up chicks.
261
00:13:24,128 --> 00:13:26,028
You just had to do it right.
262
00:13:26,939 --> 00:13:29,130
Thank you so much for
getting me out of jail
263
00:13:29,255 --> 00:13:32,686
and back home to care
for my sad, lonely wife.
264
00:13:33,210 --> 00:13:35,605
No need to thank me, son.
That's what I do.
265
00:13:35,774 --> 00:13:37,574
I'm a prisoner's advocate.
266
00:13:37,845 --> 00:13:40,187
There is one thing
I don't understand.
267
00:13:40,312 --> 00:13:42,904
You are expensive
because you are the best,
268
00:13:43,291 --> 00:13:45,552
but how could my wife
afford your services?
269
00:13:45,677 --> 00:13:46,700
We are so poor.
270
00:13:47,412 --> 00:13:49,411
She had relations with me.
271
00:13:49,703 --> 00:13:51,788
- I know you must be mad...
- Nope.
272
00:13:52,125 --> 00:13:55,314
I'm so relieved to be out of prison
that I forgive her.
273
00:13:55,439 --> 00:13:59,213
In fact, I would be angry
if she hadn't done everything she could.
274
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:00,338
Thanks again.
275
00:14:01,127 --> 00:14:02,674
Enjoy your glorious freedom.
276
00:14:04,127 --> 00:14:05,127
Excuse me.
277
00:14:05,876 --> 00:14:08,138
Can you really help
get a prisoner released?
278
00:14:08,564 --> 00:14:09,848
I'll do my best.
279
00:14:11,877 --> 00:14:13,602
Well, you are kind of cute.
280
00:14:16,818 --> 00:14:18,218
Good night, Eddie.
281
00:14:21,129 --> 00:14:22,694
So, while I was in prison,
282
00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:25,664
you were grinding on
Jeff Foxworthy over here?
283
00:14:25,789 --> 00:14:26,789
Reverend,
284
00:14:27,543 --> 00:14:30,198
first of all,
thank you about Jeff Foxworthy.
285
00:14:30,323 --> 00:14:32,017
And regarding your wife,
286
00:14:32,142 --> 00:14:33,971
if it makes you feel better,
287
00:14:34,096 --> 00:14:36,291
it only happened in your house once.
288
00:14:40,459 --> 00:14:41,559
Let us pray.
289
00:14:42,845 --> 00:14:43,845
Oh, Lord,
290
00:14:44,436 --> 00:14:46,813
please give me the strength
to forgive this...
291
00:14:46,938 --> 00:14:48,887
lowlife piece of scum.
292
00:14:49,350 --> 00:14:50,472
Because you know what
293
00:14:50,641 --> 00:14:52,849
Hash Brown would've done
to a man who stole his woman.
294
00:14:53,017 --> 00:14:54,643
Please give me the strength!
295
00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:56,394
You seem pretty strong to me.
296
00:14:56,682 --> 00:14:59,232
Oh, Lord, I think
I'm failing this test!
297
00:14:59,874 --> 00:15:01,399
Please, help me, Lord!
298
00:15:01,621 --> 00:15:03,371
Yeah, please do help him.
299
00:15:04,488 --> 00:15:05,488
Okay, Lord,
300
00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:08,156
you want me to be Hash Brown,
that's why you're not helping me.
301
00:15:08,497 --> 00:15:10,992
Fine! You want me to be Hash Brown?!
302
00:15:12,434 --> 00:15:13,884
I'll be Hash Brown!
303
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:21,169
You know,
304
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:24,005
sometimes it's hard
to interpret God's...
305
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:26,675
I didn't tell you to get up!
306
00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:29,061
He had turned into
Hash Brown, all right.
307
00:15:29,186 --> 00:15:30,986
And not just the violence.
308
00:15:32,562 --> 00:15:35,339
You're the one that convinced me
to stop selling crack
309
00:15:35,464 --> 00:15:37,014
but the way I see it,
310
00:15:37,271 --> 00:15:39,986
you owe me ten years of lost income.
311
00:15:40,685 --> 00:15:41,940
So, I'm taking some stuff.
312
00:15:42,626 --> 00:15:43,996
I'm taking this candlestick.
313
00:15:44,121 --> 00:15:45,935
I can probably
get something for this.
314
00:15:46,060 --> 00:15:47,311
This thing, uh,
315
00:15:47,436 --> 00:15:49,072
this is worth some money.
316
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:51,992
I'm also gonna take
those coats in the lost and found.
317
00:15:52,736 --> 00:15:53,736
And this!
318
00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:56,582
Give me this!
319
00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:02,343
Hash Brown is back!
320
00:16:07,498 --> 00:16:10,051
- Reverend Greene!
- Say another word and I will kill you.
321
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:11,761
- But...
- I will kill you!
322
00:16:16,745 --> 00:16:18,522
Son of a bitch.
323
00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:22,496
That truck was the last thing
I wanted to see at that moment,
324
00:16:22,621 --> 00:16:25,432
'cause that meant the reverend
was on my list yet again:
325
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:27,526
#172.
326
00:16:29,184 --> 00:16:32,228
A while back, me and Randy
had snuck into a magic show and
327
00:16:32,353 --> 00:16:35,745
we were wowed by a trick that involved
catching a bullet in your hand.
328
00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:38,142
Naturally, we decided
to give it a shot.
329
00:16:38,267 --> 00:16:39,868
After a case of beer.
330
00:16:39,993 --> 00:16:41,993
All right, Randy. Abracadabra!
331
00:16:44,619 --> 00:16:48,181
Oh, crap, I missed your hand
and blew out that guy's taillight.
332
00:16:48,306 --> 00:16:50,300
Let's get out of here
before we get in trouble.
333
00:16:50,749 --> 00:16:52,741
You didn't miss,
I caught the bullet.
334
00:16:52,866 --> 00:16:54,929
I can feel it in my hand, it's hot!
335
00:16:56,118 --> 00:16:57,168
And bloody.
336
00:16:58,261 --> 00:16:59,261
Oh, God.
337
00:17:02,119 --> 00:17:03,369
Reverend, look,
338
00:17:03,708 --> 00:17:06,024
I know you said you'd kill me
if I said another word but...
339
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,432
- Yep, and you just said about eight.
- I was scared,
340
00:17:08,557 --> 00:17:11,175
but just 'cause the reverend
had lost his faith in God,
341
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:13,198
didn't mean I had lost
my faith in Karma.
342
00:17:13,442 --> 00:17:15,617
A few years back I shot out
the taillight of your truck.
343
00:17:15,742 --> 00:17:16,942
Make it quick!
344
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,287
You broke that taillight?
345
00:17:19,554 --> 00:17:22,967
Reverend Greene got pulled over
for having a busted taillight,
346
00:17:23,092 --> 00:17:24,757
but the cops forgot about that
347
00:17:24,882 --> 00:17:26,693
once they looked
in the back of his truck.
348
00:17:26,818 --> 00:17:30,770
AK-47s, cop killer bullets,
plastic explosives.
349
00:17:31,204 --> 00:17:33,865
Fine, those are all
legal in this state.
350
00:17:33,990 --> 00:17:35,840
But black market flu shots?
351
00:17:36,052 --> 00:17:38,310
I guess public safety
means nothing to you.
352
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,140
That night I got pulled over
353
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,396
I was supposed to meet up
with my gang.
354
00:17:46,739 --> 00:17:49,146
We were selling some
flu shots and some dynamite
355
00:17:49,271 --> 00:17:51,069
to a Dominican gang
with the sniffles.
356
00:17:51,734 --> 00:17:53,234
But it all went bad.
357
00:17:54,795 --> 00:17:57,617
Somebody pulled a tissue
and one of my guys thought it was a gun.
358
00:17:57,942 --> 00:17:59,369
All hell broke loose.
359
00:18:00,133 --> 00:18:02,133
By the time the smoke cleared,
360
00:18:02,803 --> 00:18:04,801
everybody in my crew was dead.
361
00:18:05,503 --> 00:18:06,753
I don't get it.
362
00:18:08,544 --> 00:18:12,110
If you hadn't broken that taillight,
I would've ended up a dark blob
363
00:18:12,235 --> 00:18:14,509
in a bunch of body parts
and Dominican snot.
364
00:18:16,388 --> 00:18:18,477
All this time I've been thinking
God wanted me
365
00:18:18,602 --> 00:18:20,391
to forgive you for ruining my life.
366
00:18:20,751 --> 00:18:22,299
But what he wanted...
367
00:18:22,424 --> 00:18:24,269
was me to thank you for saving it.
368
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:26,062
God, huh?
369
00:18:26,737 --> 00:18:29,357
What can you say about that guy,
isn't he something?
370
00:18:36,864 --> 00:18:38,964
Brothers and sisters, I'm sorry.
371
00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:41,388
We forgive you!
372
00:18:49,678 --> 00:18:51,553
Me and the reverend had been tested,
373
00:18:51,678 --> 00:18:53,798
and sure,
he had strayed from his path,
374
00:18:54,051 --> 00:18:56,423
but that's the cool thing
about having a path.
375
00:18:56,548 --> 00:18:57,800
Even when you get lost,
376
00:18:57,925 --> 00:19:01,225
it's still there waiting for you
to find your way back.
377
00:19:23,773 --> 00:19:26,581
I'm not doing this to scare you.
I'm doing this so it will hurt less.
378
00:19:27,043 --> 00:19:28,043
Thank you.
379
00:19:29,478 --> 00:19:31,278
You may want to turn away.
380
00:19:33,392 --> 00:19:35,092
I do apologize for this.
381
00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:38,134
I promise to put flowers
on your shallow unmarked grave.
382
00:19:48,734 --> 00:19:50,021
I couldn't let it happen.
383
00:19:50,551 --> 00:19:53,358
I want the Lifetime movie they make
about me to be for something good.
384
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:56,736
Not because I let my husband
murder an immigrant in a shed.
385
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,077
You saved my life.
386
00:20:06,433 --> 00:20:08,129
As a "thank you"
you can tell the cops
387
00:20:08,254 --> 00:20:10,250
I'm headed to Mexico
since I'm going to Canada.
388
00:20:10,547 --> 00:20:12,697
Our white neighbors to the north.
389
00:20:13,423 --> 00:20:16,422
How about as a "thank you"
I don't tell the cops anything at all?
390
00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:18,425
Seriously?
391
00:20:18,738 --> 00:20:21,085
Anyone who gives their husband
a concussion to save me
392
00:20:21,210 --> 00:20:23,671
from getting my throat slit
is okay by me.
393
00:20:23,893 --> 00:20:26,224
That's why I'm still friends
with my bitchy cousin Judy.
394
00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,643
I forgive you for all of this, Joy.
395
00:20:29,173 --> 00:20:30,373
I forgive you.
396
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:32,760
Thank you so much!
397
00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:36,672
I knew if I hugged you
398
00:20:36,797 --> 00:20:38,778
you would smell like
burritos and stripper pole.
399
00:20:39,250 --> 00:20:40,700
Tease all you want.
400
00:20:41,113 --> 00:20:42,763
Now I know you love me.
401
00:20:43,769 --> 00:20:46,452
Feygnasse Team
Jarick & loky