By Apit9
Joy and Darnell were out of Witness Protection
and back in Camden, which meant me and Randy had a few things
to fix from our time living in their trailer.
I ain't never seen anything like this before.
It's everywhere.
It's not my fault the cops chased that guy in here.
Or that he fought back.
Just scrub that guy off my wall, dummy.
And then go outside and pull down all that crime scene tape.
After years in hiding, Darnell was excited to surface again
using his real name-- Harry Monroe.
It's nice to finally get on the Internet again as Harry,
but, man, have I got a lot of e-mails to return.
Don't get any ideas about going by Harry again.
It took me a long time to remember to say "Darnell"
during sex, and I'm not starting from scratch.
Mommy, I finished unpacking all your clothes and picked the bugs
off the flypaper.
Will space camp take me now?
Unfortunately, they just called, baby, and said
that future astronauts also have to wash Mama's dishes.
Hey, Dodge, are you going to Chaz Dalton's Space Academy?
Me and Randy went when we were kids.
It's the awesomest camp of all time.
You know, Chaz Dalton went to outer space,
plus he walked on the Moon.
And he was the first person to sneeze in space and survive.
Earl, why are you so gay for space?
I'm not gay for space.
Yeah, he's gay for the men who went to space, there's a difference.
I'm not gay for astronauts.
But if you had to be gay, you'd pick astronauts,
and of all them, you would pick Chaz.
Well, Randy had me there.
Chaz was a true hero, and he was on my list.
The week I spent at the Space Academy
was the greatest week of my life.
At first, I thought it was gonna suck,
like everything else my parents made me do.
But that all changed when I met Chaz Dalton.
Good morning, cadets.
I'm Chaz Dalton, and I've been to outer space.
This is the actual suit that I wore on my mission.
Camp was the first time I'd ever been interested
in learning about anything, and I was a good cadet.
You better pay attention, or I'll open your throat like a juice box.
In my own way.
But I wanted to do more than just learn from Chaz Dalton;
I wanted to be Chaz Dalton.
For once in my life,
I stole something for a positive reason,
and I even planned on bringing it back.
I felt like a real astronaut.
I was even weightless... at least between jumps.
I stayed up all night living my astronaut dream,
and by morning, that space suit was pretty dirty.
So I decided to wash it and return it
to the Space Academy as clean as I'd stolen it.
Apparently, space suits are a match for space but no match
for a large, energy-inefficient '70s era dryer.
I felt so bad about ruining it,
I never went back to finish camp.
Me and Randy hadn't been back to the Space Academy since,
and as soon as I walked in, I felt like a kid again.
Everybody be aware of where they are.
You have to admit, he wears 20 years well.
I've never been this nervous about a list item before.
Do you think American space heroes like chocolates?
It's not too late to go buy doughnuts.
You know what?
If you go back and forth on this one more time, I'm punching you.
Great work today, cadets.
America would be proud of you, fine men and women.
Now it's time for a potty break.
Even if you don't have to go, try.
Don't embarrass me.
E- Excuse me.
Mr. Astronaut, sir...
Uh, I was wondering if I could talk to you
about something that happened here when I was a little boy.
I've never had children in the office
unless the door was open-- permanent policy.
No, no, we-we used to go
to camp here...
I stole your space suit.
I told Chaz all about the list
and how I had turned my life around,
and about how sorry I was for what I'd done.
Anyway, I feel awful about what I did.
You're the only American hero I've ever shaken hands with,
other than Ted Nugent.
Of all the bad things I've ever done...
I'm not gonna cry...
I'm just really sorry
I... for what I did to your suit and to you and...
I'm gonna cry.
You don't have to make it up to me, Earl.
I forgive you.
It's enough that you finally told the truth.
Oh, my God.
You're still teaching me lessons.
Kids like you are the reason why I do this.
You know what fuels the space shuttle?
- Dreams. - Dreams.
I'm gonna get you that space suit.
Earl, I just found out there's a planet called...
Ura...
Ura... Ura...
Wait, I forgot. I'll be right back.
You been on that computer a lot.
Nobody likes a black nerd, Darnell.
You know that's why I won't let Earl Jr.
get those prescription glasses.
Baby, I'm just on BuddyBook.
It's a social networking site that connects you with friends.
It's like what MySpace and Facebook used to be
before all the old people ruined it.
Hear that? It means I've got another friend request.
I'm up to 320.
320 friends?!
Are you trying to get on the prom court or something?
I mean, why would you need that many friends?
Everybody knows you only need two--
a poor friend to make you feel rich
and a fat friend to make you feel skinny.
If you're lucky like me, you get both in one, like Eugenia.
Who's this old bag hanging on you?
That's Margaret Thatcher.
Well, at least I know you're not banging her.
Not anymore.
To find a new space suit for Chaz,
me and Randy went to the nearest NASA field office,
and lucky for us, they validated parking.
I asked, and it seems like we don't sell space suits,
but I'm going to call another office.
Cape Kennedy is a little more loosey-goosey.
You can wait over there by the Wall of Astronauts.
Do you have aliens here?
If you'll wait over there, thanks.
They definitely keep the aliens here, don't you think?
Maybe. It was a big issue in the election a few months ago.
Catalina wouldn't shut up about it.
Well, don't tell her I said this,
but I don't think they should have the same rights as us.
Hey, look, it's Chaz.
It was the right name,
but that picture wasn't the Chaz I knew.
No, it's not.
Son of a bitch!
Earl, that's not the dude from Camden.
I know. I can't believe this guy--
pretending to be a hero?
Getting kids all excited about space camp?
For God's sakes, Dodge's middle name is Chaz.
You know what we gotta do, Randy?
We gotta find the real Chaz and get some answers.
While we went to search for the real Chaz,
Joy was making it easier for people to find her.
Once we get you BuddyBooking, you'll find out
there's nothing to bethreated by, baby.
Okay. Sex...
Love it.
Race.
American.
Sexual orientation.
Reverse Cowboy.
Occupation.
Pimp. No, wait-- hustler.
No, wait-- big baller.
You know what, just put "Mom."
Hometown?
Your face.
That's funny, isn't it?
Political views?
Gop.
Favorite book?
Phone.
Okay, that's it. You're on BuddyBook.
See, it's not some big secret.
Now we just put out a friend request.
Once the people approve you,
they'll show up in your friend list.
Oh, snap! There's a place to put a picture.
I'm gonna use the one of me posing with that deer I ran over.
For 50 bucks and a ride to her boyfriend's house,
that NASA lady gave Chaz's address.
I don't know exactly what words I'm gonna use,
but I do know that he deserves to hear the truth.
'Cause what we're dealing with here, Randy,
is a true American treasure.
That guy was an astronaut?
So, he doesn't look like one.
That's okay.
He's still an American hero.
Excuse me, Mr. Dalton?
I got a religion and all the Bibles I need.
Earl, he thinks we're Jojoba Witnesses.
Now get off of my lawn!
L- Look, there's a guy in Camden impersonating you.
He's been at it for years.
He's got a camp called the... the Chaz Dalton Space Academy.
- What? - I know, it's terrible.
This good-for-nothing flimflam man has been lying to kids
for years, telling them he's the real Chaz Dalton.
Is this guy making money off my name?
Hell, yeah, he's been making money
on your glorious coattails-- tons of it.
He drives a Saturn SVU.
He's even got a credit card just for the gas station.
If you'll allow me to escort you to Camden, it'd be my honor
to walk you into that imposter academy-- that hall of lies--
just to see that faker quake in his fake-faker space boots.
Okay, I'll go.
But I get to pick the radio station.
No deal. Earl, let's get out of here.
He'll ride in the back with your bag.
I was on my way to making a new friend
which was one more than Joy had.
My BuddyBook is broken.
Nobody responded to my friend request.
Yeah, BuddyBook probably broke.
Best just to forget the whole thing.
Whatever. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
All right, listen up everybody.
Y'all been ignoring
my BuddyBook request and I want some answers.
Pickled Egg Guy?
Black Cowboy?
Fat Dude's Brother?
I thought we were friends.
What, none of y'all cowards are gonna answer me?
And TV's Tim Stack--
how long have we known each other?
Joy, I didn't accept
your friend request because you're mean.
And you commented on a photo of me and wrote,
"Your face looks like it has syphilis."
That was a joke.
It's not a joke when you really have syphilis.
Then I finally made it back to Camden with my brother
and the guy I wished was my other brother,
and I was ready to see the fireworks fly.
Olly-olly-oxen-fraud!
I found the real Chaz Dalton.
Take a good look,
'cause this what a real American hero looks like.
Fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight.
You scared, impostor Chaz?
My name is Wayne.
Oh, is it Wayne?
Or is Wayne another name you stole from an American hero?
Like John Wayne,
or Wayne Newton,
or Dwayne Wayne.
He's telling the truth.
It turns out Wayne worked with Chaz back at NASA.
Wayne wanted to be an astronaut more than anything,
but he kept getting passed over
'cause he was born with female-sized lungs.
Hey, Wayne.
Hey. Oh, that throttle looks clean.
Listen, I wanted to ask you something.
Do you think you could maybe go to this park opening thing
in Camden for me?
I'll pay you 50 bucks.
I hate crowds.
Nobody's going to believe I'm you.
Oh, Wayne, people respect astronauts.
They don't know what we look like.
It's the helmets, you know.
Come on.
Give it a try.
If you're lucky, there might be
some space groupies there.
Maybe even some John Glenn hasn't gotten to yet.
Doubtful.
And the next day, Camden gathered a group
of American heroes to honor the late Paul Lynde,
who had once stopped in town for a sandwich.
And then the space shuttle reaches the speed
of 17,000 miles per hour.
Wow, you're the greatest American hero I've ever met.
Sorry, Dad.
And Wayne pulled it off.
He was a hero among heroes.
I can't believe you did that.
You put the "ass" in astronaut.
You put the "not" in astronaut.
Zing!
I'm sorry.
I, uh...
...I guess this place belongs to you.
Do you mind
if I get the other half of my sandwich out of the fridge?
I was going to have that for din...
Never mind.
It better not have been a hero sandwich.
Bye, Chaz.
The next morning I was so excited about announcing
that a real astronaut was taking over the academy.
Me and Randy even made a curtain
out of comforters from the motel.
So any of you kids allowed on BuddyBook?
Good morning, campers.
We have a special surprise for you.
It's my pleasure to introduce a true American hero.
Get off of my lawn!
All right, I can walk from here.
What the hell are you doing?
I just took some anxiety pills.
Well, anxiety pills smell a lot like scotch and Dentyne Ice.
Don't make me go back out there.
I'm not a real hero.
I'm also a fraud.
Turns out Chaz wasn't exactly who I thought he was either.
He only got to be an astronaut 'cause his dad was a senator
who gave funding to NASA.
And the other astronauts hated him for it.
Some people might have worked hard
to prove themselves in that situation,
but not Chaz.
All he cared about before takeoff
was eating as much real food as possible.
And after the shuttle finally launched,
Chaz suddenly discovered he was claustrophobic,
had motion sickness
and was afraid of heights.
I don't like it! I don't like it!
I'm not a hero.
I blew it.
They had to cut the mission short,
'cause I threatened to kill myself.
I thought enough time had gone by,
but when I thought of those little kids, I just...
I just couldn't do it.
But they look up to you.
I can't let you break their hearts.
They don't look up to me.
There's Chaz Dalton the man and Chaz Dalton the myth.
They look up to the myth.
This whole place is a myth.
You know, I'm going to go out there and tell them
I'm shutting the camp down.
I mean, they're all paid up, right?
Hey, kids!
Camp's closing!
There are no heroes!
That's it.
I knew what I was doing wasn't right,
but I was pissed.
Let go of me!
I'm not gonna let those kids find out how bad it hurts
when you lose your hero.
And then you think you find your real hero,
and it turns out he's not your real hero either.
Are you crying?
No.
Dealing with Chaz was going to have to wait...
because there was an entire room of kids
hoping there was more to space camp
than watching a drunk astronaut battle with gravity.
So, me and Randy decided to try
running the space camp ourselves.
Unfortunately, we didn't know a lot about space.
Three, two, one... Three, two, one...
blast off! blast off!
Or camp.
Or running things.
All right, campers, helmets on.
Hey, Earl,
mine's really working.
I'm actually starting to see space.
Hey, look, there's Grandma.
Bags off, bags off.
Eventually the kids caught on.
We tried our hardest,
but sometimes your hardest just sucks.
Show us how to walk on the Moon.
Okay.
That's not how you do it.
Chaz, you show us.
I know I said I wouldn't come back,
but I really do want to get that half a sandwich.
Will you show us the right way to walk on the Moon?
Yeah, Chaz, please. Yeah.
All right, but then you have to leave.
Okay.
Everybody up.
Now remember, you never move too fast.
And you look before you step.
'Cause there's lots and lots of craters.
And I think Alan Shepard left a few golf tees up there.
Do you think I could be an astronaut?
Definitely, with some hard work.
What about me?
I didn't like it,
but I couldn't deny Wayne was good with the kids--
and Randy.
I didn't know what to do.
Luckily, someone else did.
Chaz, can I have your autograph?
I'd love to.
Kids, there's something I got to tell you.
Go ahead...
...give it to him.
Believe it or not, me getting pissed
and throwing Chaz in a closet
was the best thing that could have happened.
He found a bunch of boxes
filled with thank-you letters.
There were hundreds of kids who looked up to Chaz,
just like I had--
kids who might never grow up to be astronauts
but who Chaz had inspired.
Kids who had learned to love science,
kids who had learned to love adventure,
kids who had learned to love chasing their dreams.
And one creepy guy from Nathanville
who wanted Chaz to have sex with his wife.
Every kid deserves an autograph from their hero.
Are you sure?
You're good with people, and with explaining stuff
and you're fun.
Not all astronauts are.
Chaz realized that the myth of Chaz Dalton
was more important than the man.
'Cause the myth had inspired hundreds of kids
and that was real.
So it turned out the camp would be both of their legacies.
Wayne-Chaz was good at talking about stuff
and Chaz-Chaz had access to all the real stuff,
including another spacesuit,
which means I got to cross Chaz Dalton off my list.
It turned out pretending to be someone else
could help a lot of different people--
even if it meant staying up all night
making 351 fake profiles on BuddyBook.
"Holden Caulfield, New York.
Occupation-- catcher."
Hot damn, I did it.
Baby, I won BuddyBook!
Yesterday the only friend I had was you,
but now I got 352.
That's more than Catalina,
and most of hers are probably roommates.
That's great, baby. I knew you could do it.
I don't remember this one woman who friended me,
but she said she was my choir teacher in the third grade.
She kind of looks familiar.
Bless her little Asian heart.
I'm gonna throw a sheep at her.
It goes to show, whether it's space heroes
or computer Net friends,
sometimes a fake one works just as good as the real thing.
Joy wasn't the only one who got what she wanted.
Chaz made a phone call to NASA
and somebody finally made his first trip into space.
All systems are go.
Houston, we're totally awesome.
It may have just been a simulator,
but the feeling was real.