1 00:00:00,058 --> 00:00:03,054 By Apit9 2 00:00:03,246 --> 00:00:05,182 Joy and Darnell were out of Witness Protection 3 00:00:05,299 --> 00:00:08,370 and back in Camden, which meant me and Randy had a few things 4 00:00:08,495 --> 00:00:10,356 to fix from our time living in their trailer. 5 00:00:10,414 --> 00:00:12,000 I ain't never seen anything like this before. 6 00:00:12,064 --> 00:00:13,733 It's everywhere. 7 00:00:14,292 --> 00:00:16,971 It's not my fault the cops chased that guy in here. 8 00:00:17,013 --> 00:00:18,264 Or that he fought back. 9 00:00:18,331 --> 00:00:20,843 Just scrub that guy off my wall, dummy. 10 00:00:20,911 --> 00:00:23,548 And then go outside and pull down all that crime scene tape. 11 00:00:23,632 --> 00:00:26,936 After years in hiding, Darnell was excited to surface again 12 00:00:27,011 --> 00:00:28,973 using his real name-- Harry Monroe. 13 00:00:29,014 --> 00:00:31,676 It's nice to finally get on the Internet again as Harry, 14 00:00:31,864 --> 00:00:34,167 but, man, have I got a lot of e-mails to return. 15 00:00:34,225 --> 00:00:36,620 Don't get any ideas about going by Harry again. 16 00:00:36,687 --> 00:00:38,506 It took me a long time to remember to say "Darnell" 17 00:00:38,565 --> 00:00:41,202 during sex, and I'm not starting from scratch. 18 00:00:41,329 --> 00:00:44,241 Mommy, I finished unpacking all your clothes and picked the bugs 19 00:00:44,291 --> 00:00:45,501 off the flypaper. 20 00:00:45,577 --> 00:00:47,780 Will space camp take me now? 21 00:00:49,515 --> 00:00:52,604 Unfortunately, they just called, baby, and said 22 00:00:52,688 --> 00:00:56,902 that future astronauts also have to wash Mama's dishes. 23 00:01:00,304 --> 00:01:04,310 Hey, Dodge, are you going to Chaz Dalton's Space Academy? 24 00:01:04,368 --> 00:01:05,737 Me and Randy went when we were kids. 25 00:01:05,820 --> 00:01:07,915 It's the awesomest camp of all time. 26 00:01:07,973 --> 00:01:10,101 You know, Chaz Dalton went to outer space, 27 00:01:10,211 --> 00:01:11,755 plus he walked on the Moon. 28 00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:15,018 And he was the first person to sneeze in space and survive. 29 00:01:15,135 --> 00:01:17,972 Earl, why are you so gay for space? 30 00:01:18,091 --> 00:01:19,493 I'm not gay for space. 31 00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:22,564 Yeah, he's gay for the men who went to space, there's a difference. 32 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,249 I'm not gay for astronauts. 33 00:01:24,301 --> 00:01:26,537 But if you had to be gay, you'd pick astronauts, 34 00:01:26,604 --> 00:01:28,974 and of all them, you would pick Chaz. 35 00:01:29,066 --> 00:01:30,977 Well, Randy had me there. 36 00:01:31,077 --> 00:01:34,407 Chaz was a true hero, and he was on my list. 37 00:01:34,582 --> 00:01:36,560 The week I spent at the Space Academy 38 00:01:36,660 --> 00:01:38,262 was the greatest week of my life. 39 00:01:38,312 --> 00:01:39,881 At first, I thought it was gonna suck, 40 00:01:39,956 --> 00:01:42,484 like everything else my parents made me do. 41 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:45,933 But that all changed when I met Chaz Dalton. 42 00:01:58,988 --> 00:02:00,465 Good morning, cadets. 43 00:02:00,615 --> 00:02:04,764 I'm Chaz Dalton, and I've been to outer space. 44 00:02:08,861 --> 00:02:11,861 This is the actual suit that I wore on my mission. 45 00:02:11,952 --> 00:02:13,721 Camp was the first time I'd ever been interested 46 00:02:13,805 --> 00:02:17,084 in learning about anything, and I was a good cadet. 47 00:02:17,176 --> 00:02:20,414 You better pay attention, or I'll open your throat like a juice box. 48 00:02:20,715 --> 00:02:22,409 In my own way. 49 00:02:25,244 --> 00:02:28,265 But I wanted to do more than just learn from Chaz Dalton; 50 00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:30,551 I wanted to be Chaz Dalton. 51 00:02:34,662 --> 00:02:35,655 For once in my life, 52 00:02:35,705 --> 00:02:37,791 I stole something for a positive reason, 53 00:02:37,883 --> 00:02:40,804 and I even planned on bringing it back. 54 00:02:45,453 --> 00:02:47,380 I felt like a real astronaut. 55 00:02:47,447 --> 00:02:51,369 I was even weightless... at least between jumps. 56 00:02:54,394 --> 00:02:57,298 I stayed up all night living my astronaut dream, 57 00:02:57,356 --> 00:02:59,885 and by morning, that space suit was pretty dirty. 58 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,863 So I decided to wash it and return it 59 00:03:01,921 --> 00:03:04,341 to the Space Academy as clean as I'd stolen it. 60 00:03:04,426 --> 00:03:07,823 Apparently, space suits are a match for space but no match 61 00:03:07,889 --> 00:03:11,411 for a large, energy-inefficient '70s era dryer. 62 00:03:11,628 --> 00:03:13,556 I felt so bad about ruining it, 63 00:03:13,631 --> 00:03:15,866 I never went back to finish camp. 64 00:03:16,517 --> 00:03:19,471 Me and Randy hadn't been back to the Space Academy since, 65 00:03:19,554 --> 00:03:23,084 and as soon as I walked in, I felt like a kid again. 66 00:03:23,677 --> 00:03:25,963 Everybody be aware of where they are. 67 00:03:26,514 --> 00:03:30,219 You have to admit, he wears 20 years well. 68 00:03:30,594 --> 00:03:33,765 I've never been this nervous about a list item before. 69 00:03:33,824 --> 00:03:36,703 Do you think American space heroes like chocolates? 70 00:03:36,740 --> 00:03:38,501 It's not too late to go buy doughnuts. 71 00:03:38,568 --> 00:03:39,231 You know what? 72 00:03:39,298 --> 00:03:42,477 If you go back and forth on this one more time, I'm punching you. 73 00:03:42,585 --> 00:03:44,179 Great work today, cadets. 74 00:03:44,239 --> 00:03:47,201 America would be proud of you, fine men and women. 75 00:03:47,335 --> 00:03:49,755 Now it's time for a potty break. 76 00:03:49,972 --> 00:03:52,717 Even if you don't have to go, try. 77 00:03:57,549 --> 00:03:59,018 Don't embarrass me. 78 00:03:59,060 --> 00:04:00,687 Don't embarrass me. 79 00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:08,083 E- Excuse me. 80 00:04:08,283 --> 00:04:10,144 Mr. Astronaut, sir... 81 00:04:10,236 --> 00:04:12,280 Uh, I was wondering if I could talk to you 82 00:04:12,316 --> 00:04:15,103 about something that happened here when I was a little boy. 83 00:04:15,178 --> 00:04:16,438 I've never had children in the office 84 00:04:16,505 --> 00:04:18,299 unless the door was open-- permanent policy. 85 00:04:18,416 --> 00:04:20,235 No, no, we-we used to go 86 00:04:20,304 --> 00:04:21,973 to camp here... 87 00:04:22,749 --> 00:04:24,501 I stole your space suit. 88 00:04:25,961 --> 00:04:28,223 I told Chaz all about the list 89 00:04:28,324 --> 00:04:29,885 and how I had turned my life around, 90 00:04:29,985 --> 00:04:32,497 and about how sorry I was for what I'd done. 91 00:04:32,614 --> 00:04:36,118 Anyway, I feel awful about what I did. 92 00:04:36,378 --> 00:04:39,766 You're the only American hero I've ever shaken hands with, 93 00:04:39,816 --> 00:04:41,769 other than Ted Nugent. 94 00:04:42,078 --> 00:04:44,890 Of all the bad things I've ever done... 95 00:04:45,341 --> 00:04:47,068 I'm not gonna cry... 96 00:04:47,311 --> 00:04:49,372 I'm just really sorry 97 00:04:49,464 --> 00:04:52,601 I... for what I did to your suit and to you and... 98 00:04:52,785 --> 00:04:54,137 I'm gonna cry. 99 00:04:54,329 --> 00:04:55,964 You don't have to make it up to me, Earl. 100 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:57,149 I forgive you. 101 00:04:57,303 --> 00:04:59,698 It's enough that you finally told the truth. 102 00:04:59,839 --> 00:05:01,634 Oh, my God. 103 00:05:02,451 --> 00:05:04,913 You're still teaching me lessons. 104 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:08,176 Kids like you are the reason why I do this. 105 00:05:08,651 --> 00:05:10,695 You know what fuels the space shuttle? 106 00:05:10,871 --> 00:05:12,798 - Dreams. - Dreams. 107 00:05:21,790 --> 00:05:23,751 I'm gonna get you that space suit. 108 00:05:23,868 --> 00:05:27,548 Earl, I just found out there's a planet called... 109 00:05:27,957 --> 00:05:29,692 Ura... 110 00:05:30,874 --> 00:05:34,796 Ura... Ura... 111 00:05:36,599 --> 00:05:39,336 Wait, I forgot. I'll be right back. 112 00:05:42,227 --> 00:05:43,938 You been on that computer a lot. 113 00:05:44,013 --> 00:05:45,623 Nobody likes a black nerd, Darnell. 114 00:05:45,732 --> 00:05:47,034 You know that's why I won't let Earl Jr. 115 00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:48,636 get those prescription glasses. 116 00:05:48,736 --> 00:05:50,188 Baby, I'm just on BuddyBook. 117 00:05:50,221 --> 00:05:52,453 It's a social networking site that connects you with friends. 118 00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:54,414 It's like what MySpace and Facebook used to be 119 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,416 before all the old people ruined it. 120 00:05:57,468 --> 00:06:00,005 Hear that? It means I've got another friend request. 121 00:06:00,122 --> 00:06:01,941 I'm up to 320. 122 00:06:02,418 --> 00:06:04,003 320 friends?! 123 00:06:04,070 --> 00:06:06,215 Are you trying to get on the prom court or something? 124 00:06:06,315 --> 00:06:07,950 I mean, why would you need that many friends? 125 00:06:07,984 --> 00:06:09,820 Everybody knows you only need two-- 126 00:06:09,928 --> 00:06:11,388 a poor friend to make you feel rich 127 00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:13,266 and a fat friend to make you feel skinny. 128 00:06:13,302 --> 00:06:16,848 If you're lucky like me, you get both in one, like Eugenia. 129 00:06:17,833 --> 00:06:19,936 Who's this old bag hanging on you? 130 00:06:20,094 --> 00:06:21,463 That's Margaret Thatcher. 131 00:06:22,511 --> 00:06:24,739 Well, at least I know you're not banging her. 132 00:06:25,899 --> 00:06:27,392 Not anymore. 133 00:06:28,523 --> 00:06:30,400 To find a new space suit for Chaz, 134 00:06:30,493 --> 00:06:33,097 me and Randy went to the nearest NASA field office, 135 00:06:33,255 --> 00:06:35,625 and lucky for us, they validated parking. 136 00:06:35,684 --> 00:06:38,371 I asked, and it seems like we don't sell space suits, 137 00:06:38,429 --> 00:06:40,357 but I'm going to call another office. 138 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:43,171 Cape Kennedy is a little more loosey-goosey. 139 00:06:43,312 --> 00:06:46,200 You can wait over there by the Wall of Astronauts. 140 00:06:46,292 --> 00:06:48,019 Do you have aliens here? 141 00:06:48,707 --> 00:06:51,511 If you'll wait over there, thanks. 142 00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:55,158 They definitely keep the aliens here, don't you think? 143 00:06:55,266 --> 00:06:58,563 Maybe. It was a big issue in the election a few months ago. 144 00:06:58,622 --> 00:07:00,600 Catalina wouldn't shut up about it. 145 00:07:00,742 --> 00:07:02,277 Well, don't tell her I said this, 146 00:07:02,361 --> 00:07:05,532 but I don't think they should have the same rights as us. 147 00:07:06,090 --> 00:07:08,202 Hey, look, it's Chaz. 148 00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:10,914 It was the right name, 149 00:07:10,980 --> 00:07:13,359 but that picture wasn't the Chaz I knew. 150 00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:14,928 No, it's not. 151 00:07:16,095 --> 00:07:18,197 Son of a bitch! 152 00:07:21,837 --> 00:07:23,849 Earl, that's not the dude from Camden. 153 00:07:23,974 --> 00:07:25,609 I know. I can't believe this guy-- 154 00:07:25,668 --> 00:07:27,103 pretending to be a hero? 155 00:07:27,178 --> 00:07:29,590 Getting kids all excited about space camp? 156 00:07:29,723 --> 00:07:32,519 For God's sakes, Dodge's middle name is Chaz. 157 00:07:32,598 --> 00:07:33,984 You know what we gotta do, Randy? 158 00:07:34,042 --> 00:07:36,329 We gotta find the real Chaz and get some answers. 159 00:07:36,429 --> 00:07:38,281 While we went to search for the real Chaz, 160 00:07:38,373 --> 00:07:40,735 Joy was making it easier for people to find her. 161 00:07:40,798 --> 00:07:42,767 Once we get you BuddyBooking, you'll find out 162 00:07:42,809 --> 00:07:44,361 there's nothing to bethreated by, baby. 163 00:07:44,496 --> 00:07:46,224 Okay. Sex... 164 00:07:46,583 --> 00:07:47,642 Love it. 165 00:07:47,985 --> 00:07:48,936 Race. 166 00:07:49,253 --> 00:07:50,338 American. 167 00:07:50,797 --> 00:07:52,057 Sexual orientation. 168 00:07:52,134 --> 00:07:53,544 Reverse Cowboy. 169 00:07:53,719 --> 00:07:54,737 Occupation. 170 00:07:54,854 --> 00:07:57,149 Pimp. No, wait-- hustler. 171 00:07:57,324 --> 00:08:00,103 No, wait-- big baller. 172 00:08:00,262 --> 00:08:02,815 You know what, just put "Mom." 173 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:04,184 Hometown? 174 00:08:04,292 --> 00:08:05,536 Your face. 175 00:08:05,886 --> 00:08:07,196 That's funny, isn't it? 176 00:08:07,931 --> 00:08:09,091 Political views? 177 00:08:09,157 --> 00:08:09,967 Gop. 178 00:08:10,035 --> 00:08:10,953 Favorite book? 179 00:08:11,028 --> 00:08:11,954 Phone. 180 00:08:13,339 --> 00:08:15,551 Okay, that's it. You're on BuddyBook. 181 00:08:15,651 --> 00:08:17,370 See, it's not some big secret. 182 00:08:17,470 --> 00:08:19,081 Now we just put out a friend request. 183 00:08:19,130 --> 00:08:20,273 Once the people approve you, 184 00:08:20,332 --> 00:08:21,967 they'll show up in your friend list. 185 00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,312 Oh, snap! There's a place to put a picture. 186 00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:27,233 I'm gonna use the one of me posing with that deer I ran over. 187 00:08:27,342 --> 00:08:29,912 For 50 bucks and a ride to her boyfriend's house, 188 00:08:29,981 --> 00:08:32,601 that NASA lady gave Chaz's address. 189 00:08:32,743 --> 00:08:34,979 I don't know exactly what words I'm gonna use, 190 00:08:35,196 --> 00:08:37,792 but I do know that he deserves to hear the truth. 191 00:08:38,083 --> 00:08:39,960 'Cause what we're dealing with here, Randy, 192 00:08:40,044 --> 00:08:42,455 is a true American treasure. 193 00:08:50,231 --> 00:08:52,025 That guy was an astronaut? 194 00:08:52,109 --> 00:08:54,061 So, he doesn't look like one. 195 00:08:54,112 --> 00:08:55,271 That's okay. 196 00:08:55,572 --> 00:08:57,475 He's still an American hero. 197 00:08:57,583 --> 00:08:59,469 Excuse me, Mr. Dalton? 198 00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:03,000 I got a religion and all the Bibles I need. 199 00:09:03,409 --> 00:09:05,729 Earl, he thinks we're Jojoba Witnesses. 200 00:09:05,829 --> 00:09:08,266 Now get off of my lawn! 201 00:09:09,214 --> 00:09:12,869 L- Look, there's a guy in Camden impersonating you. 202 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,346 He's been at it for years. 203 00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:17,651 He's got a camp called the... the Chaz Dalton Space Academy. 204 00:09:17,726 --> 00:09:20,054 - What? - I know, it's terrible. 205 00:09:20,498 --> 00:09:23,318 This good-for-nothing flimflam man has been lying to kids 206 00:09:23,418 --> 00:09:25,930 for years, telling them he's the real Chaz Dalton. 207 00:09:25,997 --> 00:09:28,400 Is this guy making money off my name? 208 00:09:28,450 --> 00:09:30,119 Hell, yeah, he's been making money 209 00:09:30,204 --> 00:09:32,691 on your glorious coattails-- tons of it. 210 00:09:32,849 --> 00:09:34,744 He drives a Saturn SVU. 211 00:09:34,827 --> 00:09:37,389 He's even got a credit card just for the gas station. 212 00:09:37,498 --> 00:09:39,767 If you'll allow me to escort you to Camden, it'd be my honor 213 00:09:39,817 --> 00:09:43,455 to walk you into that imposter academy-- that hall of lies-- 214 00:09:43,581 --> 00:09:47,461 just to see that faker quake in his fake-faker space boots. 215 00:09:47,605 --> 00:09:50,066 Okay, I'll go. 216 00:09:50,484 --> 00:09:52,712 But I get to pick the radio station. 217 00:09:52,870 --> 00:09:55,616 No deal. Earl, let's get out of here. 218 00:09:56,592 --> 00:09:58,670 He'll ride in the back with your bag. 219 00:09:58,824 --> 00:10:01,228 I was on my way to making a new friend 220 00:10:01,378 --> 00:10:03,114 which was one more than Joy had. 221 00:10:03,189 --> 00:10:04,257 My BuddyBook is broken. 222 00:10:04,299 --> 00:10:06,076 Nobody responded to my friend request. 223 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:08,137 Yeah, BuddyBook probably broke. 224 00:10:08,237 --> 00:10:09,915 Best just to forget the whole thing. 225 00:10:10,025 --> 00:10:12,570 Whatever. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. 226 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,250 All right, listen up everybody. 227 00:10:16,584 --> 00:10:17,568 Y'all been ignoring 228 00:10:17,694 --> 00:10:20,239 my BuddyBook request and I want some answers. 229 00:10:21,118 --> 00:10:22,670 Pickled Egg Guy? 230 00:10:24,940 --> 00:10:26,609 Black Cowboy? 231 00:10:28,494 --> 00:10:30,197 Fat Dude's Brother? 232 00:10:31,513 --> 00:10:33,507 I thought we were friends. 233 00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:36,670 What, none of y'all cowards are gonna answer me? 234 00:10:37,329 --> 00:10:38,681 And TV's Tim Stack-- 235 00:10:38,873 --> 00:10:40,867 how long have we known each other? 236 00:10:41,543 --> 00:10:42,695 Joy, I didn't accept 237 00:10:42,763 --> 00:10:45,917 your friend request because you're mean. 238 00:10:46,685 --> 00:10:49,639 And you commented on a photo of me and wrote, 239 00:10:49,698 --> 00:10:52,343 "Your face looks like it has syphilis." 240 00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:53,612 That was a joke. 241 00:10:53,729 --> 00:10:57,234 It's not a joke when you really have syphilis. 242 00:10:57,705 --> 00:10:59,983 Then I finally made it back to Camden with my brother 243 00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:01,827 and the guy I wished was my other brother, 244 00:11:01,898 --> 00:11:03,868 and I was ready to see the fireworks fly. 245 00:11:03,926 --> 00:11:06,630 Olly-olly-oxen-fraud! 246 00:11:08,814 --> 00:11:10,892 I found the real Chaz Dalton. 247 00:11:10,984 --> 00:11:11,777 Take a good look, 248 00:11:11,868 --> 00:11:14,889 'cause this what a real American hero looks like. 249 00:11:15,457 --> 00:11:16,867 Fight, fight, fight, 250 00:11:17,053 --> 00:11:19,147 fight, fight, fight, fight. 251 00:11:19,256 --> 00:11:21,709 You scared, impostor Chaz? 252 00:11:21,901 --> 00:11:23,370 My name is Wayne. 253 00:11:23,553 --> 00:11:24,788 Oh, is it Wayne? 254 00:11:25,058 --> 00:11:27,887 Or is Wayne another name you stole from an American hero? 255 00:11:27,954 --> 00:11:29,506 Like John Wayne, 256 00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:30,941 or Wayne Newton, 257 00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:32,986 or Dwayne Wayne. 258 00:11:33,153 --> 00:11:35,506 He's telling the truth. 259 00:11:35,766 --> 00:11:38,854 It turns out Wayne worked with Chaz back at NASA. 260 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:41,524 Wayne wanted to be an astronaut more than anything, 261 00:11:41,691 --> 00:11:43,251 but he kept getting passed over 262 00:11:43,327 --> 00:11:45,580 'cause he was born with female-sized lungs. 263 00:11:45,665 --> 00:11:46,750 Hey, Wayne. 264 00:11:48,728 --> 00:11:52,158 Hey. Oh, that throttle looks clean. 265 00:11:52,368 --> 00:11:53,820 Listen, I wanted to ask you something. 266 00:11:53,870 --> 00:11:56,374 Do you think you could maybe go to this park opening thing 267 00:11:56,457 --> 00:11:58,268 in Camden for me? 268 00:11:58,489 --> 00:11:59,983 I'll pay you 50 bucks. 269 00:12:00,058 --> 00:12:01,010 I hate crowds. 270 00:12:01,135 --> 00:12:03,204 Nobody's going to believe I'm you. 271 00:12:03,271 --> 00:12:05,533 Oh, Wayne, people respect astronauts. 272 00:12:05,583 --> 00:12:07,218 They don't know what we look like. 273 00:12:07,302 --> 00:12:09,138 It's the helmets, you know. 274 00:12:09,298 --> 00:12:10,366 Come on. 275 00:12:10,533 --> 00:12:11,718 Give it a try. 276 00:12:11,985 --> 00:12:13,070 If you're lucky, there might be 277 00:12:13,103 --> 00:12:14,923 some space groupies there. 278 00:12:15,156 --> 00:12:18,416 Maybe even some John Glenn hasn't gotten to yet. 279 00:12:19,318 --> 00:12:20,628 Doubtful. 280 00:12:21,078 --> 00:12:23,140 And the next day, Camden gathered a group 281 00:12:23,281 --> 00:12:25,852 of American heroes to honor the late Paul Lynde, 282 00:12:25,994 --> 00:12:28,414 who had once stopped in town for a sandwich. 283 00:12:28,613 --> 00:12:30,774 And then the space shuttle reaches the speed 284 00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:33,461 of 17,000 miles per hour. 285 00:12:33,536 --> 00:12:36,566 Wow, you're the greatest American hero I've ever met. 286 00:12:36,732 --> 00:12:38,426 Sorry, Dad. 287 00:12:39,076 --> 00:12:40,729 And Wayne pulled it off. 288 00:12:40,887 --> 00:12:43,266 He was a hero among heroes. 289 00:12:44,234 --> 00:12:45,953 I can't believe you did that. 290 00:12:46,094 --> 00:12:48,289 You put the "ass" in astronaut. 291 00:12:48,389 --> 00:12:50,484 You put the "not" in astronaut. 292 00:12:50,574 --> 00:12:51,776 Zing! 293 00:12:52,510 --> 00:12:53,712 I'm sorry. 294 00:12:55,180 --> 00:12:56,148 I, uh... 295 00:12:58,643 --> 00:13:01,080 ...I guess this place belongs to you. 296 00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:01,991 Do you mind 297 00:13:02,058 --> 00:13:04,469 if I get the other half of my sandwich out of the fridge? 298 00:13:04,686 --> 00:13:06,622 I was going to have that for din... 299 00:13:06,881 --> 00:13:08,049 Never mind. 300 00:13:10,864 --> 00:13:12,892 It better not have been a hero sandwich. 301 00:13:12,984 --> 00:13:14,319 Bye, Chaz. 302 00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,981 The next morning I was so excited about announcing 303 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,368 that a real astronaut was taking over the academy. 304 00:13:19,446 --> 00:13:21,132 Me and Randy even made a curtain 305 00:13:21,182 --> 00:13:22,525 out of comforters from the motel. 306 00:13:22,634 --> 00:13:25,246 So any of you kids allowed on BuddyBook? 307 00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:27,140 Good morning, campers. 308 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:29,627 We have a special surprise for you. 309 00:13:29,729 --> 00:13:34,302 It's my pleasure to introduce a true American hero. 310 00:13:35,495 --> 00:13:38,115 Get off of my lawn! 311 00:13:47,265 --> 00:13:50,236 All right, I can walk from here. 312 00:13:52,423 --> 00:13:53,766 What the hell are you doing? 313 00:13:53,883 --> 00:13:56,011 I just took some anxiety pills. 314 00:13:56,161 --> 00:13:59,941 Well, anxiety pills smell a lot like scotch and Dentyne Ice. 315 00:14:00,158 --> 00:14:02,136 Don't make me go back out there. 316 00:14:02,196 --> 00:14:04,107 I'm not a real hero. 317 00:14:04,749 --> 00:14:06,485 I'm also a fraud. 318 00:14:06,802 --> 00:14:10,958 Turns out Chaz wasn't exactly who I thought he was either. 319 00:14:11,058 --> 00:14:14,104 He only got to be an astronaut 'cause his dad was a senator 320 00:14:14,204 --> 00:14:15,823 who gave funding to NASA. 321 00:14:15,968 --> 00:14:18,722 And the other astronauts hated him for it. 322 00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:24,290 Some people might have worked hard 323 00:14:24,365 --> 00:14:26,326 to prove themselves in that situation, 324 00:14:26,568 --> 00:14:27,836 but not Chaz. 325 00:14:27,937 --> 00:14:29,923 All he cared about before takeoff 326 00:14:30,231 --> 00:14:32,994 was eating as much real food as possible. 327 00:14:37,292 --> 00:14:39,254 And after the shuttle finally launched, 328 00:14:39,372 --> 00:14:41,901 Chaz suddenly discovered he was claustrophobic, 329 00:14:42,009 --> 00:14:43,336 had motion sickness 330 00:14:43,444 --> 00:14:44,755 and was afraid of heights. 331 00:14:44,838 --> 00:14:48,735 I don't like it! I don't like it! 332 00:14:56,882 --> 00:14:58,434 I'm not a hero. 333 00:14:59,010 --> 00:15:00,553 I blew it. 334 00:15:00,634 --> 00:15:02,186 They had to cut the mission short, 335 00:15:02,236 --> 00:15:04,297 'cause I threatened to kill myself. 336 00:15:04,648 --> 00:15:06,158 I thought enough time had gone by, 337 00:15:06,267 --> 00:15:09,479 but when I thought of those little kids, I just... 338 00:15:10,222 --> 00:15:11,808 I just couldn't do it. 339 00:15:12,105 --> 00:15:13,390 But they look up to you. 340 00:15:13,457 --> 00:15:15,042 I can't let you break their hearts. 341 00:15:15,126 --> 00:15:17,187 They don't look up to me. 342 00:15:17,296 --> 00:15:20,596 There's Chaz Dalton the man and Chaz Dalton the myth. 343 00:15:20,621 --> 00:15:22,332 They look up to the myth. 344 00:15:22,490 --> 00:15:24,685 This whole place is a myth. 345 00:15:25,081 --> 00:15:26,766 You know, I'm going to go out there and tell them 346 00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:28,611 I'm shutting the camp down. 347 00:15:29,855 --> 00:15:31,316 I mean, they're all paid up, right? 348 00:15:31,616 --> 00:15:32,868 Hey, kids! 349 00:15:33,018 --> 00:15:34,887 Camp's closing! 350 00:15:36,823 --> 00:15:38,367 There are no heroes! 351 00:15:38,431 --> 00:15:39,491 That's it. 352 00:15:39,675 --> 00:15:41,227 I knew what I was doing wasn't right, 353 00:15:41,302 --> 00:15:42,312 but I was pissed. 354 00:15:42,403 --> 00:15:44,173 Let go of me! 355 00:15:46,302 --> 00:15:48,914 I'm not gonna let those kids find out how bad it hurts 356 00:15:49,006 --> 00:15:50,583 when you lose your hero. 357 00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:52,978 And then you think you find your real hero, 358 00:15:53,011 --> 00:15:55,898 and it turns out he's not your real hero either. 359 00:15:56,236 --> 00:15:57,679 Are you crying? 360 00:15:57,880 --> 00:15:58,697 No. 361 00:15:59,106 --> 00:16:01,376 Dealing with Chaz was going to have to wait... 362 00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:04,163 because there was an entire room of kids 363 00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:05,866 hoping there was more to space camp 364 00:16:05,942 --> 00:16:09,230 than watching a drunk astronaut battle with gravity. 365 00:16:11,149 --> 00:16:12,877 So, me and Randy decided to try 366 00:16:12,944 --> 00:16:14,496 running the space camp ourselves. 367 00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:17,044 Unfortunately, we didn't know a lot about space. 368 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:19,547 Three, two, one... Three, two, one... 369 00:16:19,648 --> 00:16:20,791 blast off! blast off! 370 00:16:20,924 --> 00:16:21,976 Or camp. 371 00:16:23,787 --> 00:16:24,955 Or running things. 372 00:16:25,038 --> 00:16:27,647 All right, campers, helmets on. 373 00:16:31,059 --> 00:16:31,998 Hey, Earl, 374 00:16:32,144 --> 00:16:33,416 mine's really working. 375 00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:35,868 I'm actually starting to see space. 376 00:16:36,066 --> 00:16:38,329 Hey, look, there's Grandma. 377 00:16:40,638 --> 00:16:43,048 Bags off, bags off. 378 00:16:44,467 --> 00:16:46,522 Eventually the kids caught on. 379 00:16:46,647 --> 00:16:47,742 We tried our hardest, 380 00:16:47,825 --> 00:16:50,141 but sometimes your hardest just sucks. 381 00:16:50,225 --> 00:16:52,290 Show us how to walk on the Moon. 382 00:16:52,577 --> 00:16:54,048 Okay. 383 00:17:00,369 --> 00:17:02,664 That's not how you do it. 384 00:17:04,542 --> 00:17:07,009 Chaz, you show us. 385 00:17:08,647 --> 00:17:10,493 I know I said I wouldn't come back, 386 00:17:10,639 --> 00:17:13,539 but I really do want to get that half a sandwich. 387 00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,823 Will you show us the right way to walk on the Moon? 388 00:17:15,959 --> 00:17:18,504 Yeah, Chaz, please. Yeah. 389 00:17:22,031 --> 00:17:24,232 All right, but then you have to leave. 390 00:17:25,483 --> 00:17:26,234 Okay. 391 00:17:26,328 --> 00:17:27,277 Everybody up. 392 00:17:27,392 --> 00:17:31,231 Now remember, you never move too fast. 393 00:17:31,502 --> 00:17:34,164 And you look before you step. 394 00:17:34,362 --> 00:17:37,346 'Cause there's lots and lots of craters. 395 00:17:37,450 --> 00:17:41,216 And I think Alan Shepard left a few golf tees up there. 396 00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:43,208 Do you think I could be an astronaut? 397 00:17:43,385 --> 00:17:45,086 Definitely, with some hard work. 398 00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:46,765 What about me? 399 00:17:46,852 --> 00:17:47,592 I didn't like it, 400 00:17:47,676 --> 00:17:50,482 but I couldn't deny Wayne was good with the kids-- 401 00:17:50,628 --> 00:17:51,900 and Randy. 402 00:17:52,036 --> 00:17:53,507 I didn't know what to do. 403 00:17:53,580 --> 00:17:55,760 Luckily, someone else did. 404 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,661 Chaz, can I have your autograph? 405 00:18:00,349 --> 00:18:02,029 I'd love to. 406 00:18:04,199 --> 00:18:06,212 Kids, there's something I got to tell you. 407 00:18:06,339 --> 00:18:07,507 Go ahead... 408 00:18:08,259 --> 00:18:09,322 ...give it to him. 409 00:18:09,552 --> 00:18:11,450 Believe it or not, me getting pissed 410 00:18:11,596 --> 00:18:13,192 and throwing Chaz in a closet 411 00:18:13,286 --> 00:18:15,362 was the best thing that could have happened. 412 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:27,410 He found a bunch of boxes 413 00:18:27,483 --> 00:18:28,965 filled with thank-you letters. 414 00:18:29,090 --> 00:18:31,280 There were hundreds of kids who looked up to Chaz, 415 00:18:31,426 --> 00:18:33,210 just like I had-- 416 00:18:34,156 --> 00:18:36,472 kids who might never grow up to be astronauts 417 00:18:36,659 --> 00:18:38,871 but who Chaz had inspired. 418 00:18:39,476 --> 00:18:41,656 Kids who had learned to love science, 419 00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:43,836 kids who had learned to love adventure, 420 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:47,080 kids who had learned to love chasing their dreams. 421 00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:52,757 And one creepy guy from Nathanville 422 00:18:52,924 --> 00:18:55,897 who wanted Chaz to have sex with his wife. 423 00:18:56,481 --> 00:18:59,381 Every kid deserves an autograph from their hero. 424 00:18:59,537 --> 00:19:01,175 Are you sure? 425 00:19:02,317 --> 00:19:06,354 You're good with people, and with explaining stuff 426 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,263 and you're fun. 427 00:19:08,586 --> 00:19:10,725 Not all astronauts are. 428 00:19:11,956 --> 00:19:14,355 Chaz realized that the myth of Chaz Dalton 429 00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:16,076 was more important than the man. 430 00:19:16,138 --> 00:19:18,183 'Cause the myth had inspired hundreds of kids 431 00:19:18,318 --> 00:19:19,476 and that was real. 432 00:19:19,664 --> 00:19:22,668 So it turned out the camp would be both of their legacies. 433 00:19:22,824 --> 00:19:25,151 Wayne-Chaz was good at talking about stuff 434 00:19:25,349 --> 00:19:28,144 and Chaz-Chaz had access to all the real stuff, 435 00:19:28,306 --> 00:19:29,923 including another spacesuit, 436 00:19:30,111 --> 00:19:33,960 which means I got to cross Chaz Dalton off my list. 437 00:19:36,411 --> 00:19:38,675 It turned out pretending to be someone else 438 00:19:38,758 --> 00:19:40,615 could help a lot of different people-- 439 00:19:40,732 --> 00:19:42,307 even if it meant staying up all night 440 00:19:42,411 --> 00:19:46,031 making 351 fake profiles on BuddyBook. 441 00:19:46,197 --> 00:19:49,828 "Holden Caulfield, New York. 442 00:19:49,932 --> 00:19:52,698 Occupation-- catcher." 443 00:20:00,740 --> 00:20:01,961 Hot damn, I did it. 444 00:20:02,065 --> 00:20:04,516 Baby, I won BuddyBook! 445 00:20:05,592 --> 00:20:07,292 Yesterday the only friend I had was you, 446 00:20:07,344 --> 00:20:09,055 but now I got 352. 447 00:20:09,149 --> 00:20:10,129 That's more than Catalina, 448 00:20:10,265 --> 00:20:12,310 and most of hers are probably roommates. 449 00:20:12,456 --> 00:20:15,335 That's great, baby. I knew you could do it. 450 00:20:15,741 --> 00:20:17,337 I don't remember this one woman who friended me, 451 00:20:17,494 --> 00:20:19,528 but she said she was my choir teacher in the third grade. 452 00:20:19,603 --> 00:20:21,481 She kind of looks familiar. 453 00:20:21,575 --> 00:20:22,962 Bless her little Asian heart. 454 00:20:23,087 --> 00:20:24,808 I'm gonna throw a sheep at her. 455 00:20:25,142 --> 00:20:27,666 It goes to show, whether it's space heroes 456 00:20:27,802 --> 00:20:28,981 or computer Net friends, 457 00:20:29,106 --> 00:20:32,882 sometimes a fake one works just as good as the real thing. 458 00:20:32,993 --> 00:20:35,455 Joy wasn't the only one who got what she wanted. 459 00:20:35,528 --> 00:20:37,260 Chaz made a phone call to NASA 460 00:20:37,395 --> 00:20:39,892 and somebody finally made his first trip into space. 461 00:20:39,959 --> 00:20:40,777 All systems are go. 462 00:20:40,835 --> 00:20:42,679 Houston, we're totally awesome. 463 00:20:42,821 --> 00:20:44,715 It may have just been a simulator, 464 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,899 but the feeling was real.