Tradition at the Crab Shack was,
if you passed out the week before Christmas, you got decorated.
I wanted to join in,
but there were certain times when I needed to be looking after Randy.
Like when he was reading the comics.
Oh, God! That's terrible.
That's not funny at all.
Randy, remember, comics are only on the left.
If y keep reading, you'll run onto the side with the obituaries.
- So what do we do? - Fold the paper.
Three, two, one...
What have I told you? If you're going to decorate the drunks,
please have a fire extinguisher standing by.
ORPHAN EARL
Excuse me.
My wife and I were driving home from building Nerf playgrounds
for autistic children, and we ran out of gas.
She would have come with me,
but she's shy because we had to sell her hair for baby formula.
If you'd loan me a 20, I'll mail it back to you.
Goodness me, that is such a sad story,
and there were so many details, it has to be true.
Would you mind sharing it with my friends inside?
I'm sure they'd love to help.
And then he said he had a bold wife who sold her hair for...
What was it she sold it for?
Baby formula.
What an idiot.
The baby formula is man plus woman.
Everybody knows that.
That hustler coming in here reminded me of #201 on my list:
"Conned an old man out of 100 bucks."
A couple weeks before I discovered Karma,
me and Joy were watching TV.
There are one million orphans in Africa.
These children do not ask, "What shall I eat for diner?"
They ask, "Will I ever eat again?"
Change the channel, I can't eat while I'm looking at that kid.
I'll try, but my hands are saucy.
For pennies a day,
you can make sure little Kwami has rice and broth to eat,
instead of bowl after bowl of mud.
Those kids really pull at your heartstrings.
Makes you think, doesn't it?
We could make a fortune off those scrawny little tearjerkers.
You got rib meat in your teeth.
Well, get it.
Man, that's really in there.
Is this true?
Nine out of ten African children die every minute?
Africa's hard on kids,
what with the hot sun and giant leeches and no...
speed limits.
I suppose you want some cash.
The 1st rule of scamming money
is to look like you aren't looking for money.
We're not asking for money.
But, if you have trouble sleeping tonight,
you can just send a check to the address on the back.
The 2nd rule of scamming was not to tell Randy it was a scam,
there's no better salesman than someone who believes he's telling the truth.
All they're eating is air.
And the orphans' bellies are really big, but it turns out they're totally empty.
And all they're asking for is a cup of coffee a day.
My God! Nine more just died!
Open your eyes, people! Take a pamphlet!
We handed out 100 pamphlets, and even went down and got a "PO" box
so the address would look more official.
Most people saw through our scam,
but we did get one bite.
It worked!
Some guy in Nathanville sent us a $100 check for the orphans!
Sweet!
Why are you getting the money for the African orphans?
Randy, maybe it's time to tell you.
This was a scam.
It was?
You always get me.
Oh, man!
I cried so much.
I didn't even tell you about the nightmares I've been having.
What a relief.
So there's no starving children in Africa, then?
And so me and Randy went to find the guy
who sent us that check all those years ago.
Do you know Aunt Ramona wrote a book about barbecue sauces?
Mom says it bought her a condo.
I think I'm going to write a book about barbecue sauces.
Maybe other sauces, too.
Randy, you don't know anything about sauce.
People write books about things they know.
Think about how much meat Aunt Ramona eats.
Maybe I could write a book about how things taste.
You know, non-food things.
I have a curious tongue.
That could be the name of the book!
Mr. Hill?
I don't know if you remember, but, three years ago,
you sent me $100 to help save an orphan kid in Africa.
Of course.
Mbungo.
That little fella!
Why, he's changed my life.
Excuse me?
Here are some drawings Mbungo made me.
All his letters,
and his report cards from the village school.
Teacher comments,
"Plays well with zebras.
Expert stick thrower."
You can tell he's special.
So, you've been sending checks this whole time?
$100 a month.
But it's worth it.
Take a look at this kid.
Knowing that I make a difference in Mbungo's life,
it makes me feel...
Exactly.
Joy!
Cactus:
painful, but worth it.
Come on, Darnell, let me lick your head.
It'll be in my new book, right after "All of Joy and Darnell's Spoons."
I guess, if it's for research purposes.
You've been scamming that poor man for three years?
I can't believe you're not ashamed of yourself.
If I had only fooled him once, it'd be shame on me,
but I have fooled him a bunch of times, so, it's shame on him.
It's cruel, Joy.
You didn't just con him out of thousands of dollars.
He loves that kid.
How is he going to feel if he finds out Mbungo doesn't even exist?
You better not tell him the truth,
'cause you'll ruin Christmas for a lot of people in this trailer park.
What?
Turns out, Joy was so proud of keeping the African orphan scheme going,
she couldn't resist bragging to her friends in the trailer park.
Her friend Sylvia used some barbecue ashes
to fake a disaster photo.
Then she sent Mr. Hill a letter
asking for donations for families who lost their homes in wildfires.
Tammy went the other way.
She sent Mr. Hill a letter
asking for donations for families displaced by floods.
And, pretty soon, he was sending monthly checks to everybody.
- This is wrong and you know it. - Says you.
Sure, I took from one person, but I gave the idea to two other people,
which means I have given twice as much as I have taken.
So suck on that!
Hair:
tastes like marijuana.
Joy's not going to budge on this.
I don't want to, but maybe I should just write Mr. Hill a check
for all the money Joy and her friends conned him out of.
Snoopy tastes horrible!
I think writing a check is the only way I can cross Mr. Hill off my list.
That's terrible.
Just fold the paper over, okay?
I hope you're happy.
Oh, my God! Mr. Hill had a stroke and died?
This is horrible!
I just took a picture of Earl Jr. with flies in the corner of his eyes.
Do you know how hard it is to get a kid and a fly to hold still for a picture?
Read the rest of the obituary.
"Mr. Hill is leaving everything to his three favorite charities:
"Pimmet Hills African Relief,
"Pimmet Hills Wildfire Victims,
"and Pimmet Hills Flood Helpers Give Us Money Fund."
Mbungo's sugar daddy just took a dirt nap,
and we're rich!
Not if I have anything to say about it. I'm going to cross Mr. Hill off my list
by making sure you and your friends never get that money.
That's my money, Earl Hickey! Don't you mess with me.
You know what I'm capable of. You know why you only got nine toes!
So me and Randy headed over to Mr. Hill's house.
This will be just like old times, breaking into a house.
You think we could steal a few things, too?
I brought a grocery list of stuff we're out of.
Deodorant, Fig Newtons, underwear...
We're not taking anything.
We just have to find something with Mr. Hill's lawyer's name on it
so we can tell the lawyer those charities are fake.
I knew it. That bastard's trying to screw up our inheritance.
Oh, my God! This is it!
It's his will.
"Charities shall receive monies
"in the amount of $280,000."
The lawyer's name and address are right here.
They found the will!
That old coot was holding on to $280,000!
I want to buy a fur coat with the little head still on it
so people will stare and I'll be all, "Yeah, this bitch is real!"
Get down. They're coming out.
We gotta get that will away from them.
We'll just keep following them real quiet.
It's Joy.
She must have figured out we have the will.
We gotta split up.
You take the will and start walking to the lawyer's office.
Joy will be sure I kept it. She'll follow me.
- What are you doing? - I'm pretending I'm mad at you,
and that's why I'm getting out of the car.
What do you mean, you hate our troops?
They're protecting our freedom!
I'm getting out of your car!
Give me the will, dummy.
Maybe you should give me the will.
I don't have the will.
Well, I do.
Not, not, not.
Hello, we're here to pick up our checks from the dead guy.
You are Mr. Fischer, the lawyer, aren't you?
Yes, I'm Mr. Fischer and I believe you know Mr. Hickey.
Son of a bitch.
Hello, Joy. I knew you'd follow Randy.
That gave me enough time to get here and tell Mr. Fischer everything.
Thank you, Mr. Hickey.
You can cross Mr. Hill off your list.
See you around, Joy.
You had to stop for tacos.
A counter offer?
Excuse me?
I could...
do a little paperwork magic,
make your charities legal, then you could collect the cash.
And what's your kickback?
Well, I don't need any money.
It's just that
I'm a very lonely man.
My wife's dead.
To me.
She lives in Oregon now, with the kids.
I'm not supposed to know that, but the cops slipped up and...
I see where you're going with this.
You'll help us out with the documents
as long as you have sex with Sylvia here.
Stop whining! It's a lot of money and you are not married!
Well, actually, what I had in mind was
something in a blonde.
Oh, I don't have...
Zip it!
Blonde's not on the menu.
How about we give you Sylvia and $6,000?
- Or Tammy and $3,500? - Can you go to five on Tammy?
- I don't know if I'm down with... - Deal.
For crying out loud!
While Tammy and Mr. Fischer were getting busy under his desk,
Joy and Sylvia were busy
getting the $5,000 in bribe money from a local loan shark.
Five grand.
Thank you very much.
Here's a check for you,
and one for you,
and one for you.
Pleasure doing business with you.
- It worked. - You got all the money?
Every penny. What are you going to do now?
I'm going to take it back where it belongs.
Which was to Mr. Hill, who wasn't really dead.
You see, I'd just pulled a huge scam.
First, I got Mr. Hill out of town for a few days by arranging for him
to win a vacation to the National Rodeo Championships.
Then the old scam rules still applied.
I knew the best way to convince Joy it was real
was to make Randy think it was real.
Oh, God. That's terrible.
I also knew hearing about all that money would make Joy greedy.
Mbungo's sugar daddy just took a dirt nap and we're rich!
I knew Joy wouldn't let me out of her sight,
but before we broke into the house,
I had to make sure she'd followed me there.
Then I just had to pretend to find the will
I'd planted in Mr. Hill's house.
Oh, my God. This is it. It's his will!
I needed to make Joy think she was a step ahead of me,
so I gave the fake will to Randy,
knowing she'd get it away from him.
But to actually get these marks to hand over the money,
I needed someone to gain their confidence.
Somebody willing to scam people,
who also had a grudge against Joy.
Of course,
my 1st rule of getting money out of people still applied.
Look like you're not looking for money.
Well, actually, what I had in mind was
something in a blonde.
And after I knew we had the money,
there was only one thing left to take care of.
I'm going to take it back where it belongs.
Mr. Hill gets back from the rodeo championships next week.
I think he's going to be very happy.
I'm sorry, Earl,
but I let Joy get the will.
That was my plan, Randy.
This whole thing was a scam.
Oh, man, Earl.
You got me again!
This was a long one, though.
All that running around, Karma...
I believed in that crazy list for three years!
Bravo, Earl.
Bravo!
And when Mr. Hill got back from his vacation,
I was there waiting to tell him the whole story.
From my original scam,
all the way up to getting his money back from Joy.
This money covers every nickel Joy and her friends conned you out of.
Plus another $100 for breaking your front door lock.
And I think Randy took some of your underwear.
I can't believe it.
There were no hurricanes?
No fires?
No Mbungos?
I'm such an idiot!
But wait!
The important thing is you got your money back now.
Well, how's that supposed to make me feel better?
I'm still the moron who thought he bought
an entire African village athlete's foot vaccinations.
You know what you need?
Let's go laugh in their faces. It'll feel great.
I took Mr. Hill to the trailer park,
so we could laugh at the people we'd gotten revenge on.
I had hoped that the opportunity to do a victory dance
in front of the lowlifes who raped him off
would cheer him right up.
But when we got there,
things had changed.
What was once a middle to low-end trailer park,
now looked like a Third World country.
What happened to all of you?
You happened, you jackass!
Turns out that raising the money to pay back the loan shark
had hit Joy and her friends harder than I expected.
Since the lawyer's checks bounced,
Tammy had no way to pay the loan shark.
I'm sorry they took your plumbing truck, baby.
We'll be okay. What's the worst that could happen?
The answer? A busted water heater.
We probably should have kept a couple of wrenches.
Sylvia gave the loan shark her furnace
and had to find other ways to keep warm.
Hey, that's better.
Move over.
And Joy had to hand over all her appliances.
What do you want me to say, Darnell? It looked like a sound investment.
Besides, joke's gonna be on him
when he finds out that crisper don't work for squat.
Once Joy and Darnell lost their refrigerator,
Christmas came early for all the neighborhood flies.
All 10,000 of them.
Without money for an exterminator,
the Turners had no choice but to move outside.
Did you come here to gloat
or is it just natural that after flies, maggots show up?
Excuse me?
How much would it cost to hire an exterminator
to get rid of all these flies?
I don't know. A couple hundred bucks.
- What are you doing? - Excuse me, miss?
Could you use a donation to help with your flood damage?
Is this some kind of scam? 'Cause if it is,
it's someone else's turn to have sex with the gross guy.
Don't give me that look, Don. We already talked about this.
Okay, stop! I put a lot of effort
into getting this money out of them.
How can you just give it back?
Laugh at them. They're fools.
I don't have that much going on in my life.
I mean, I'm a rodeo fan and I do like to whittle,
but not that much.
But when I gave to those charities,
even though they weren't real,
I thought I was helping people.
Now, that made me feel good.
Looks to me like these people really have been through
some floods and fires and such.
This is a chance for me to help people for real.
I really think you're missing the point.
These are the exact people who've been ripping you off.
I know.
I was amazed by Mr. Hill's generosity.
And it definitely had an effect on the people he helped.
When you've been a jerk and someone's still nice to you,
it's a powerful thing.
Seeing what Mr. Hill had done really put me in the Christmas spirit.
Wakey, wakey. Christmas snow flakies.
Thanks, Earl!
And to my surprise,
he ended up teaching me something pretty important, too.
Merry Christmas, Joy.
Oh, my God! You got our old refrigerator back!
We don't have to keep the kids' antibiotics
up against the AC anymore!
He taught me that being generous to someone who's done you wrong
can be the best kind of charity there is.
It's empty.
That's okay. It's still nice.
Come on in.
Subtitles: Jarick & loky